It's been called the most unpredictable
general election in living memory.
Let the people decide, but only the clever ones.
You know Viktor Goraya. We've got to get them out.
We've got to get him into a country that grants asylum.
But to do that, he's got to cross the border.
You mean illegally?
We need the money. I'm the man who lost a million quid, remember?
What are the five jobs? Celeste said you had five.
Don't use her name, not here.
This is an extraordinary result.
They can come to me,
and I will decide.
This programme contains some strong language.
CHEERING
Happy New Year!
Has everyone got a glass?
Bethany, you do the honours.
It's in your "sync devices."
CHEERING Happy New Year!
No more than that. Hush now.
It is my honour to say congratulations,
a very happy engagement to you both.
Yeah, second time lucky, Dan.
Sorry, everyone. Happy new Year.
You wouldn't believe how busy the roads are.
Hey, congratulations.
I can't believe you had to work.
Double pay. So, how are you? Is that the new flat?
How is it?
It's not a flat, it's a room in a house with 16 people.
Yeah, but it's in one of those tall back streets in the centre
of Madrid, so... I mean, it's handy.
They are OK. They're mostly Somalis.
The detention centres were full, so they pushed us out,
but, you know, it's better, I think.
And are they all right
with two men getting married, Somalis?
Well, if you think about it, Muriel, Somalia's a Muslim country,
so obviously that's tricky.
That was my point, wasn't it?
Well, now I've told you, so...
And it's greatly appreciated.
All right, you two - ding-ding. Just pointing out a fact.
Which I have absorbed, thank you. See what it's like?
I go to work to get out of the house.
The thing is, you lot,
I've got a sort of announcement to make.
They are never going to let Viktor back in the UK,
so we thought, when he gets his residency here,
well, it's obvious, really, I'll have to move out
and become a Spanish citizen.
Yes!
I thought so. I said so.
That's brilliant, good move.
Yeah, but it takes about ten years for the whole process to happen.
That's ages, though. I'll be 25.
Trust me, it flies past. It'll be here before know it.
Will you still be alive?
Bethany! You can't say that.
What kind of question is that?
But you had that radiation.
It's a very good question.
I promise I will cling on for dear life to get a free drink
out of my brother. Good luck to all of us.
And here's to you beautiful Spaniards.
Yeah. Danny and Vic.
Danny and Vic!
To us. To us.
It's on the Costa Brava, this little town.
And just outside, they've printed this village.
This complete village - houses, squares - all 3D printed
on these clifftops, overlooking the sea.
That's my job, housing.
I could do that.
I could print whole towns, whole cities, right here in Spain.
Costa del Danny.
I never call you Danny.
I quite like it now.
I hated it when I was a kid, but...
Danny.
Vicky!
LAUGHING: That's no good!
No. Uh-uh? Uh-uh?
Hola.
Buenos tardes, Vicky.
EXPLOSIONS AND SHOUTING
Sounds like a party.
NOISES CONTINUE
GUNFIRE, SCREAMING
GUNFIRE INCREASES IN VOLUME
Spain's calling it the January Revolution,
as the so-called People's Party, Nueva Esperanza, declares itself
the new government.
Link TV, news channels, now!
The situation in Spain means a left-wing government
is being replaced by a far-left government.
What can we do about Spain?
Well, I'm stuck in the middle of a hung parliament.
There's nothing I can do.
They're saying Nueva Esperanza has a policy of repatriation.
Anyone without citizenship is sent home.
I thought they were left-wing.
You've got far-right, you've got far-left -
eventually you meet in the middle.
They won't let you into France. Where else can you go?
Outbreaks of violence in Athens as the country withdraws
from the eurozone, and the Grexit begins.
Martial law has been declared as the government of Italy resigns.
Hungary has been declared bankrupt.
The whole world is on fire.
How long have you got?
About an hour.
The United Nations has threatened to remove its headquarters
from American soil.
After the suspension of same-sex marriage,
the Supreme Court has overturned Roe versus Wade.
There she is! No justice!
Go back, go back! Right, rewind. There she is. Oh, my God!
I've been banned from America, banned for life.
And the government does nothing. Exactly, that's what I keep saying.
Ask the Home Office about Spain, they haven't got a policy.
Nothing. It's been eight weeks now.
Don't start with this again. Did you see today -
they are not calling it a hung parliament any more.
They're calling it the Parliament of Water.
Just flows through your fingers - gone!
It's our fault - we voted them in. Well, that's helpful.
Yeah, but it's true, you know?
It just proves that democracy was a very nice idea for a while,
and now it's worn out.
Well, there's always Vivienne Rook.
No, stop it. Viv could smash the system.
Tell you what's weird, though, do you remember years ago,
we used to think the news was boring?
Oh, my God, golden days.
The news would come on and we'd just yawn.
Now we hide. I have to hide my eyes, literally.
It's like at school, when they tell you about the olden days,
with Sun Kings and plays and people electing pigs.
It's coming back, it's happening again.
We were lucky for a bit, born in the '80s.
We had, like, 30 years, the first 30 years of our lives.
Couple of wars. Yeah, all right, but you and me, we had a nice time.
Basically, we had a really nice time.
Turns out we were born in a pause.
MESSAGE ALERT
Oh, you see, somebody heard me relaxing.
Duty calls. I'm off.
See you Friday, yeah?
How many jobs have you got now?
11.
Here, I'll give you the hack thing.
See you. Bye.
OK, so take this. They are the new ones.
They've got Mo Farah on.
I don't need this, thank you very much. It's only Chinese.
Take it, though. Save your money for the kids.
You get paid tuppence at Glover's. Well, I might not be there for long.
Why, what are you doing? You've been away.
I've got plans.
There she is - the beast. It cost £20,000.
If you bought that from scratch, it'd be 50,000, 60, more.
I've checked, and that's a really genuinely knock-down price.
Yeah, how come?
It's owned by Jonjo's brother and he's gone to jail,
and now they need to sell it to raise cash for his kids.
Went to jail for what?
Well, he was selling fish and chips out of this side,
and drugs out of that side, if you must know.
Oh, it's a drug dealer's van.
It's a bargain.
I've done a business plan, which they approved.
They liked it.
And you can have a look. I'm not daft.
I know are risks, and there are costs way beyond the van.
We'll have to get it all kitted out for me,
and I'll need kitchen space for prep and storage,
but Jonjo says I can have his brother's for half price.
How much, then, in total?
Well, I can get a loan and a grant, and Jonjo says they'll
knock off another 10%, but I still need 10,000.
I haven't got that! I don't mean from you.
Well, what are you telling me for? I mean from Gran.
Oh.
I just haven't asked her yet.
Oh, she'll say yes. She'll do anything for you.
I thought you were going to ask me. That's a relief.
No, I'm asking you if I can ask Gran,
because her money belongs to all of us, really.
But I need it.
Of course you can. Really? Yeah.
I think it's brilliant.
I mean, it's a lot of work.
What about Stephen and Danny boy?
Have you asked them yet? No, I wanted to ask you first.
But you know what Dan will say. What?
Can we give Viktor a job? Oh, stop it.
Can we buy Viktor a truck?
Can we give all the money to Viktor?
You are so bad.
I know, really.
Honestly, you know.
So, tell me, who's Jonjo?
Because my brother, he's just thick.
I used to slap him on the head
when he was five years old and say, "Oi, thick boy!"
He says me hitting him on the head made him thick.
I said, "You would say that, because you're thick. QED."
My sister, though, brilliant.
You know those areas in London they've sealed off?
Won't let commoners in, like Kensington?
Yeah. She's got a pass. She's allowed in.
Whoops! Get off! Sorry.
SHE SHRIEKS Oh, my God! You're an arse.
Get it off me!
Now, that grill, it can reach temperatures of 300 Celsius,
which is a bit unnecessary.
Burgers would be carbonised.
But handy if there is another Ice Age.
We can all huddle in here and start a new civilisation.
We've lowered the handles for you.
No good news on the gearbox,
which means you still need me to drive.
That's OK, as long as I get free chips.
You want to watch that drawer, it keeps sticking.
Apart from that, I think it's about time I kissed you.
No, I don't think so.
For real? Why not?
Jonjo, it's too soon, I think we should wait.
OK.
Have we waited long enough? No.
OK, we've waited long enough.
HORN BEEPS
Hello, here we are!
Bravo!
What do you think? Be honest, do you like it?
Just say yes. Well I better had, it cost me enough.
And you must be the man with designs on my granddaughter?
That's me. And I stamped my designs all over her lovely bum.
Nice to meet you, Mu. Come here.
Roll up, folks, the Rosie Lyons Experience is now open.
CHEERING Whoo!
If you want burgers, we've got acorn burgers,
membrane burgers, ersatz burgers, bulk burgers, non-burgers,
no burgers, not burgers,
burger substitutes and paper burgers.
Nicer than it sounds. What do you think, Mu?
You look like a traditional
quarter pounder with cheese, am I right?
I'll have a crocodile sandwich - and make it snappy.
Mum used to say that. It's still funny.
Telegram @ckhunter
It's never not funny.
He's all right, Jonjo, yeah?
He's the sort of man who's happy when he finds a big crisp.
Rosie's not daft, she kept an eye on him.
He's good with the boys.
So, I need to get Viktor out.
OK, you mean out of Europe? Yes.
And into the UK?
Yeah. Illegally? Yeah.
Do you want me to go?
No, it's OK. But what do I do?
I mean, it's safer now, because this Spanish revolution,
it's like any revolution, it's a mess,
no-one knows what anyone's doing,
but if they get organised, send him back home,
well, it could be a death sentence.
It's like that in the Ukraine, people just disappear.
I can't believe I'm saying this
sitting here in the garden, but it's a fact.
He could be executed.
So, what do you need?
A fake passport.
You know, really, I'll leave you to it.
I didn't like to ask her to go.
You think she's OK these days?
She's living with Gran.
So, I just thought - you know some dodgy people.
Do I?
Oh, come on, Edith, your mates - God knows what you get up to.
Well, yeah, I suppose years ago, I could have taken you in a pub
down Cheetham Hill, 300 quid, done.
But these days, you need a breath scan -
identification by breathing, I don't know anyone who does that.
Well, there must be away.
Because we're not stupid, we're not poor, we're not lacking.
I'm sorry, but we're clever.
We could think of something, surely.
I don't think refugees are refugees because they're thick.
No, don't do that, I'm saying the system is stupid.
Well, do you know the people that designed Brexit?
For God's sake, don't tell me we can't outthink them!
OK.
I suppose half your job is get ex-cons back into housing,
if anyone knows anyone.
I know, but that makes it worse. I can't ask at work.
One wrong word and...
I like this terrine.
Yeah, Celeste made it.
Even if you can get him into Britain,
he'll never be a legal citizen.
So? He'd be a criminal forever.
It doesn't matter, does it?
Just live our lives.
No-one would know.
How often did the police come to the door?
Like, never, not for people like us. Never.
And we could move.
So, no-one would even ask, he would just be my boyfriend.
I'd earn the money and he could be safe.
I mean, that's better than a death sentence, isn't it?
I mean, for God's sake, a death sentence.
It's...
Hey, hey, hey!
Careful, you two.
It gets slippery. OK.
Are we calling that a T-shirt, or are we calling that a dress?
I don't think it matters.
No, he looks beautiful.
So, what are you going to do?
PHONE RINGS
SENOR: Telephone call, Edith Lyons.
Yeah. Telephone call... Shut up!
..Edith Lyons. Ugh!
Hey. Hello?
This party is brilliant.
Yeah, I know, I can hear it.
Come and have a drink.
I'm in me pants!
That won't affect Fran.
Tell her I said happy birthday. Where are you now?
I'm out the front.
Oh... All right.
Hello!
Hello.
Hey, can I ask though -
what is it with you and Fran, really?
Nothing, nothing, just friends, just mates.
Sort of. Now and then.
But the thing is, she says she's going to Spain in October.
They are taking that tour, songs and fables, the African thing.
No, no, they're cancelled, the FCO has labelled Spain,
"We advise against all but essential travel."
You still go.
I'm engaged.
But she's sponsored by the British Council -
if you are funded by the arts,
you can just drive into war zones, no-one cares.
Fran once took sonnets to Syria,
never mind food, have some sonnets, but no-one stopped her.
Drove in, drove out.
Yeah, Viktor helped her.
With the tour, he introduced her to that couple,
the ones who put on the festival.
Well, then...
She owes him.
Pity she can't smuggle him out.
With the vote of no-confidence,
the Parliament of Water has been dissolved.
The date for the general election has been set
for Thursday, the 21st of October.
But for the first time in history, voting is compulsory.
Like Australia, every British citizen must vote,
or break the law. It's going to change everything.
I was really looking forward to the campaign.
There's nothing I like more than a fair fight.
But these deep fake videos are ruining the debate,
and they're threatening democracy.
Deep fakes are videos in which a living person's face
and voice are recreated in CGI to say anything
the programmer wants.
There is one obvious solution to all the foreigners in this country.
That's not me.
Arrest them, throw them out.
I didn't say that, I would never say that.
And if they resist...
That face and that voice are completely fake!
Ex-ex-execute them.
Ask me what to do with the rich, and I say...
That is literally not me.
..take their homes, burn them down...
It's a fake!
..and throw those bastards to the w-w-wolves.
It CGI, it's a lie!
So, you are saying these videos are fake?
Oh, of course they're fake videos.
Everyone can see they're not real.
All the same, they really did say those things.
Didn't they?
What do we do?
How do we make a stand? How do we stop it?
Fran. I need a favour.
Hi, yeah, a woman called Vita put me through.
My name's Daniel Lyons, I'm coming to the bank tomorrow,
I need to close my savings account ending 3032,
and my extra account ending in 5061.
I need the money in cash and I need it in euros.
Thank you very much.
And with campaigning in the final week,
it's fair to say that polls have no idea what will happen.
Now that voting is compulsory, no-one can predict how the entire
British population will vote en masse.
Call!
Family link, audio only.
SENOR: Daniel calling. Senor, accept.
Hiya, bit busy, what's up?
Hello there, Danny, how are you?
I'm trying to work!
Hi, Gran. I'm at the doctor's.
Make it quick.
BREATHLESSLY: Oh, good morning.
Stephen, is that you? What are you doing?
Parcel on board.
Well, it sounds like you're doing something else.
Sorry, Celeste, didn't mean to interrupt.
No, Celeste's at home with me.
Well, she better have a word with him then, the dirty dog.
For God's sake!
Just to say this man at work's moved his days about,
so all of a sudden, I've got a holiday. I'm off to Spain.
Gran, I won't be around on Sunday, OK? I'm sorry about that.
Cast your vote for Thursday, it's the law.
Give Viktor our love.
Warn him, I might fly over there myself one of these days.
Fran is in Madrid, right now.
I know. we're going to meet up.
Should be nice.
Fingers crossed.
Edith Lyons? That's me.
Good luck, Dan.
I'll see you soon.
PANTING: Have a...nice...time.
I will. I'll see you soon.
Yeah, bye. Family link off.
So, Fran is, like, plan number one,
but failing that, I've got 15,000 euros.
Well, strictly speaking, 15,240 euros.
We are going to buy our way out of here.
Even if I have to commandeer a yacht to get us across the Channel,
we will do it. Please say yes.
My God! I'm saying yes.
If you leave Spain and you get stopped without your papers,
you'll get sent back to Ukraine.
I know. I'm saying yes.
All the yes, completely yes!
I just never thought you'd, you know...
What? Never thought I'd what?
Well, you are always kind of boring.
Oh, thank you!
But I like the boring. I love it.
And all the time...
..I kept your front door key.
To get me home.
Let's go have a boring life.
PHONE RINGS
OK, they said to keep one of these at all times
under the shirt, because it's harder to steal.
Wallet, keys, emergency cash.
You've got 200 euros in there,
so if we get separated, you've got that.
OK. OK?
Oh, yeah. We've got to do this now,
before the rest of the company get
on board, because I haven't told anyone, OK?
No-one knows about this. I'd lose my job. All right.
Go as far back as you can and we'll surround you with bags.
Is it safe? Oh, now you ask?
Well, I have to check. It's safe, it's OK.
I can manage.
Plenty of people do this.
Now feel the wall, hide yourself behind the bags.
And it's 500 quid for Jim.
You said 200. Do you want to argue with him?
What's that in euros?
650.
Right, turn your phone on silent.
I have, it's done, it's good.
Now hide yourself, OK?
Hiya. You all right?
I found that restaurant.
It was brilliant.
This is Dan, he's a mate from Manchester.
He's coming back with us.
I told him there's no free rides, he's got to pay his way.
I'll buy you a drink on the ferry.
You're lucky the Schengen Agreement's still in place -
by the skin of its teeth -
so we can drive straight into France.
And if they find him, it's nothing to do with me
or the company.
He's just a stranger who's climbed on board.
Have you got that? Yes.
And you can tell your bloody sister I will not help her ever again.
I know. But we can do this, Fran.
People travel across the world to be safe.
We've just got to get to Dover, that's all.
I'm off.
Tuesday means drug test day.
I'll be back for dinner.
What are you testing this time?
Some epilepsy drug.
300 quid, that's what matters.
Bye, see you later.
OK, so I haven't got long,
because I've got one of those blood test things at 12 o'clock.
God, I know you've got your own key, but you could text.
I haven't got long.
Is that supposed to be sexy?
Well, yes.
Here I am.
OK, it's working.
Morning, you lot.
Right, no-one in the bathroom, thank you very much,
it's all mine.
And your Uncle Jonjo stayed over last night -
say hello. Hi.
Right, Lee, don't forget that thing for school.
All right.
Can I make myself a coffee?
Help yourself.
Do you want anything, anyone? No, we're fine.
OK, you two, I want you to go to Leslie down the hall
and ask her what time the shuttle bus leaves.
Oh, it leaves on the hour.
I want you to go to Leslie and ask her, and take five minutes.
Split this with your brother.
£2.50. Now go. Vamoose!
You all right? Yeah.
It's a nice little kitchen.
It's like this on board ship -
we had the galley, same sort of layout.
Rosie said you were like Greenpeace, weren't you? A bit more ramshackle, but, yeah.
She said you went all over. Yeah.
Atlantic, Pacific, the Bering Straits,
we sailed up to the north of Greenland, saw the last of the ice disappear.
It's terrible, that.
It's funny, because volunteers would come on board and say, "Oh, I'm a vegan,"
but after three months of eating dried pulses, they'd be fishing with the best of us.
I bet.
In the end, I could fillet a fish with three strokes.
Head, gut, spine.
One, two, three.
Became a dab hand with a knife.
Cos you're more than a fling, Jonjo.
Looks like you're staying.
And it strikes me that when a man enters a family with two kids,
a family with two little boys right at the heart of it,
then I'd better be on the alert.
You understand?
Yeah.
Because there are terrible men out there.
But I'm watching.
And believe me, Jonjo, I've done some shit.
Have you got that?
Honestly, I swear, it's all about Rosie.
I think she's amazing.
Good.
There's no side to me.
My mother always says I've got no layers,
and I think your sister's really, really lovely.
Yeah.
I think you do.
All right.
I'm still watching.
I don't like the sound of it.
Are they safe, these drugs tests?
300 quid, cash in hand.
Ever since we left the EU, the medicines agency moved
to France, so now we have to test all the drugs from scratch.
It's a bonanza for people like me.
Time's up.
Duty calls.
300 quid.
If you could blow there.
And there.
Thank you.
We'll be taking blood, so I'm legally required to ask,
do you want to know your life expectancy?
Um, no. No, thanks.
Right. That should take about an hour.
I'll come back to keep an eye on you.
Thanks.
Lyons in five, he's had a reaction, we might need to flag him up.
Sure, I'll pull up his file. Thanks.
Dr Scott said there's nothing to worry about.
It's a little bit of a side effect, that's all.
Yeah, I can't stop...
I keep...
I'm looking left all the time, I can't stop turning my head left.
You are mimicking symptoms of an epileptic seizure,
but without the seizure itself.
Give it a couple hours, it will pass.
You came here on your bike, is that right?
OK, I don't think that's safe to get you home.
Have you got someone who can pick you up?
I could try Elaine. I can't focus.
Yeah, it's all right, I'll do it. Elaine Parris.
Oh, this is weird.
Gran would kill me.
I'll go to Elaine, until it passes.
Ohh...
PHONE RINGING
Hi there, how did it go?
I'm calling on behalf of Mr Stephen Lyons,
he needs you to come and collect him.
Lyons in five, nothing to worry about,
but he's taking transport home. OK, thanks for letting me know.
SENOR: Phone call, Claverton Facility.
Accept, thank you, Senor. Hello?
Hello, I'm phoning on behalf of Mr Stephen Lyons.
He needs someone to come and collect him.
Hi, my name's Celeste Bisme-Lyons.
I'm here to get my husband, Stephen Lyons.
Hey. Darling. Hello.
It's nice to see you.
It's Elaine. We met at that party thing?
Yeah, I remember.
I was just visiting and I just popped in,
and it turns out he's not very well. The big lump.
Like a bad reaction, they said.
Yeah, I can't stop turning my head left.
I was just on my way into work.
Well, good.
Thanks, Elaine, I can take him home now.
OK.
See you soon then, bye.
Yeah, thanks.
It's weird, I just keep turning my head.
I know there's nothing,
but I can't stop myself from looking.
I think it's getting better though.
Ruby! Are you home?
I want you downstairs, now.
I'm home!
Ruby, I know you're up there.
I want you downstairs this very second.
That's an order. So, what's wrong with him?
Ask him yourself.
I'm sorry, it's weird, it's my head.
What do you mean, your head?
What have they done to you this time?
Senor, call Bethany at work.
Tag it urgent so she answers.
What's that for?
I think we should tell them.
I've only got a funny head.
What is it? I'm busy.
Your daft old dad's just got a funny head, that's all.
Hello? Is it really urgent?
I've only got two minutes for personal calls.
No, it won't take long.
Your dad wants to tell you something, girls.
OK.
I go to that clinic on Tuesdays, and I tried this drug...
No, I don't mean that.
I mean tell them about Elaine, Stephen.
Tell them about the affair you're having with Elaine Parris.
What on Earth do you mean?!
And you can shut up.
Senor, end the call.
What's she talking about, Dad?
SENOR: Phone call, Bethany Bisme-Lyons.
Senor, accept.
Now, tell them.
Tell your daughters, tell your gran,
and let's tell your whole bloody family -
you're always yap-yap-yapping away to them.
Tell them all how you've been having an affair.
No, that sounds too classy, doesn't it?
Tell them how you've been rutting and snorting
and fucking that greasy-haired little sack for weeks.
For months.
For years.
I've got an idea. Let's ask her.
Senor, call Elaine Parris.
Calling Elaine Parris.
THUDS
Get out as fast as you can! They're searching every vehicle.
Come on, mate, we've had it!
Got word down the line, they're stripping them bare, let's go. What will you do?
Don't worry about us, there's always an option.
We're heading to Calais.
Oh, I think we've blown your cover.
Never mind that, just go.
Can we walk? Is it far?
Yeah, I'm just getting... Right, got it, come on.
Thanks.
It's OK, because I budgeted, 35 euros, cheap hotel,
base of operations, get you that passport,
then the breath test, and get us back onto that ferry.
You missed all the drama.
14 missed calls.
Turns out Stephen has been having an affair
with a woman called Elaine.
Phone call Rosie, thanks.
I've met Elaine. She's a bit tough.
There you are. So, what the hell?!
My God! where have you been?
This is like the biggest day in history.
Can you believe it? What's happening?
How did it happen? Does everyone know?
Celeste announced it like the town crier -
even Gran knows, and the kids, Beth and Ruby, and everyone.
The thing is, she was always out of his league, really.
Who was, Celeste? Yeah, I mean, look at her.
She's beautiful. Stephen's just Stephen.
Oh, my God, I'm never turning my back on you two. You OK though?
How are you? Are you with Viktor? Is he there?
Yeah, we're good, we're fine.
There's nothing to worry about, honestly.
It's all under control.
Oh, my God, though!
Stephen - I mean, Stephen?!
You sit there, saying to my face it didn't mean anything.
But it didn't. Let me tell you how nice it is
to have your whole life wrecked by something
that didn't mean anything! Do you think that helps?
No. I'm sorry.
All of it, ruined!
In some dirty little bedsit in Egerton Road.
But how do you know?
I looked her up, long time ago.
Elaine Parris, 120 Egerton Road. Simple as that.
Because what else could I do?
Stuck in this house with no money.
So, I did the only thing I could do, I drove there.
This was last year, Stephen, last year - this was September.
I sat outside in the car, and I thought,
"This is where he does it.
"This is where he makes that noise and slops it into her."
I'm sorry, Celeste, but I think that's actually a little bit weird.
You can think whatever you like, because you can pack your bags
right now and take your arse back to Egerton Road!
But I'm not with Elaine. We're not...
SHE SCOFFS
Besides, I don't think you realise - I can't leave.
This is my family's house.
Hold on. If you don't mind.
Excuse me, I think if you look at the deeds,
this is still my house.
I'm really, really sorry, but not now, Gran. Seriously.
No, it's highly pertinent.
We've got two young girls upstairs who have had more than enough
trouble for one night.
And I agree with Celeste, get out.
Thank you.
I am so disappointed to discover
that you are your father's son.
Your mother would've been disgusted.
Don't say that. She would've been disgusted.
I am so sorry.
Do what Granny says, then.
Out.
You're so stupid, Dad.
I know.
I'm sorry.
What colour is she?
Elaine? She's white.
Bye.
You're not taking the car. I need it for the girls.
You can bike.
There is a man I met at Three Bridges,
and he says for a passport and a breath test
we need to find a woman called Elodie.
All right.
Bonjour.
Nous cherchons Elodie.
HE SPEAKS IN FRENCH
Oui?
It is 2,000 for the breath test, it is 4,000 for the passport.
I need the money now. Er, no.
No, we're only going to pay when we've got them.
Money in advance, or you can go.
So, the passports cost more than the breath test?
Well, the breath test is easy, it's like a mint in the mouth,
but the passport is not easy.
It is not paper any more, it is a polymer.
And I'll need your passport.
Mine? What for? To copy.
Where do you think the fake's come from?
With a different photograph, of course.
Have you? Yes. Right, I've got that.
Thank you.
I'll get this back straight away?
If you don't trust me, please, go to another. I don't mind.
It's all right.
Daniel Samuel Lyons, born in 1989, Manchester?
Council officer.
Explain to me, how did the council officer find himself here?
Because of him.
Now, breath test.
Won't take long.
To be precise, we should have a qualified dentist in attendance,
but we only have a nurse, so if you'd like to sue us
for malpractice, we will fight you through the courts.
Wait here. Two minutes.
All right.
Just a small cap on the tooth, it needs fixing.
They say it hurts, but I'm sure you can manage.
Boys like you, little bit of pain...
Oh, my God.
She hates us!
She really hates us.
What does she mean, this tooth cap thing?
I hate teeth.
I don't care.
Just fix it in place with a hammer,
just let me through!
God, 6,000 euros.
Jesus. I'm sorry.
Hey, no...
It's worth every penny.
Really... Don't do that.
I said... I said, duh, whatever it takes, didn't I?
Hmm?
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...
Oh! What was it? Was it her?
She's coming back.
She has to print that stuff...
She's printed...
She's coming back, yeah?
Do you think?
SCREAMS IN ANGUISH
You could still go home.
Walk up to customs... "Hey, my passport was stolen."
"OK, no problem, this way, sir."
Yeah...
Bye, then.
Well, you could. I'm taking you home.
We can't get on the ferry.
Well, we just have to try a different sort of plan.
22 miles, that's all.
Just need to cross 22 miles.
Mummy.
In you get.
What an idiot.
OK.
I don't want you criticising your dad,
but, yeah, blasted fool, fool man.
I can't believe you knew for ages.
So, you knew at Christmas?
Yeah. And that party on New Year's Eve?
Yeah. And on my birthday, you knew then?
How did you do it?
No choice.
I was trapped here with him.
No house, no money, no savings.
I mean, what else could we have done?
Go and live with your gran in Port Maria?
Oh, no way. No, thanks.
You know what she'd say?
SHE IMITATES GRAN IN PORT MARIA: You not too wicked and bad. It's hell you're heading for!
And as for you, Bethany, now bringing dem sodomite nastiness around you!
The thing is, I get up at six.
That's OK.
I get up at six and I do my exercises.
I do callisthenics in here.
Well, I'll stay in bed, if you don't mind.
No, but I don't particularly want you watching.
Why? What does callisthenics involve?
Nothing.
But it's mine, it's my little hour,
all to myself.
Well, I'll be asleep. But you won't.
And we've only got the one room - you'll be staring.
So I thought you could get up at six and go for a coffee and come back
at seven, is that all right? Um...
Yeah, if you want.
Thanks.
Is that every day?
Yes.
OK.
OK, transport - 3,000 euros per person.
So, 6,000 total.
OK, but I refuse to give you the money until we're on the boat.
You pay now.
Yes, I understand, but I want to wait until I can see the boat.
No, you have to pay now.
Look, this has happened before and we have been robbed.
Unfortunate! You pay now.
Well, I absolutely refuse.
OK, good luck.
We finish.
No, no, no, just wait, wait, wait, wait!
Just look.
I'll pay half.
You give all.
OK.
FRENCH FEMALE NEWSREADER TALKING
That's him.
Yes! Come on, get the bag.
THEY SPEAK IN OWN LANGUAGE
It said Cran de Quette. It's a bit of headland.
Hey, do you see? We're actually closer to England now. More like 20 miles.
THEY SPEAK IN OWN LANGUAGE
Is that the boat?
That's not the boat that takes us to the boat?
No, I think that's it.
OK.
Well, never mind, good. 20 miles - that's all.
20 miles.
THEY SPEAK IN OWN LANGUAGE
OK, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold that, hold that.
Danny, what are you doing?
I'm keeping them dry - you should do the same.
Danny, look, we're going to get wet.
No, but I've worked with people, I've seen this, you get foot rot.
Come over, come on!
HORNS BEEP
Oh, shit!
Oh, they're not getting on board, are they?
There must be another boat, there's got to be another boat!
There is no room! There's no room!
There's not enough room, you can see, you can see, there's not enough room!
HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE
Oh, shit! OK, budge up, budge up! No, no. Wait!
It doesn't matter, doesn't matter! Come. Come.
SHE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE
Danny, we can get off. We can get off.
No, we can do this. No. We can do it. No.
THEY SPEAK IN OWN LANGUAGE
SCREAMING
Are you on your own?
HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE
What's your name?
HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE
Have you got any paperwork with you?
HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE
Where have you come from?
HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE
Astonishing, astonishing, astonishing!
BEEPING
BEEPING STOPS
Call link.
No, call family link, audio only.
Calling family link.
Danny, have you seen the news over here?
Your favourite woman Prime Minister! I've actually met her.
I love it, she's a nightmare, the whole system's in pieces.
Oh, Dan, mate, no, take me off the family link.
We've got to catch up. A lot of things have changed since you went away.
Sorry, Celeste.
I don't mind. It doesn't bother me, you stay on the link.
Just do what you want. You're very fond of saying
it's your family.
Don't start.
Excuse me! I think, if anyone started this, it was you, Stephen.
Can I just point out - Daniel left his husband for someone else, no-one had a go at him.
Me, it's the end of the world.
Why is that?
I thought I'd better say.
Oh, Viktor, sorry, are you OK?
Hello! Where are you?
Oh, Vik, mate, do us a favour - put Daniel on.
It's a long story.
Wait, sorry, but it says you're home.
You're phoning from Uncle Dan's. You're in Britain?
Oh, my God, no way!
You did it.
How did that happen?
Oh, that's brilliant!
That's amazing! How did you do it, Dan?
Danny, are you there?
I'm at the house and Daniel's dead.
I'm sorry, but he drowned.
We thought we could get across the Channel,
but on the news it says 17 bodies - that was Daniel.
He's dead.
He drowned.
We got half a mile from the shore, but that's a very long way.
What? The police don't know.
His passport was gone, his wallet was in his bag,
and his bag was lost.
So, he's in a town on the coast called Rye, unidentified.
I didn't want to do that.
But I thought, if I came here, they'd never find me.
That doesn't work, I know.
I apologise to you all, but we got on the boat,
and the boat sank.
And he's dead.
I came home. Is this home?
OK.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Viktor, please, are you there?
Viktor!
Viktor?
Open the door!
Viktor!