♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
- Oots! - Oots!
Oots bung sah!
Oots!
Oots bung sah! Kyah!
Cartman-san, what are you doing?
I'm doing some sweet bung sah moves.
I'm a little better than everyone else here.
Eric-san, you must follow direction.
You rack a dis-a-prin.
Nuh-unh! I don't rack a dis-a-prin!
Yes! You all need more dis-a-prin!
True dis-a-prin come from within.
We are out of time. I will see you on Tuesday.
Oots!
Dude, we got to hurry home!
The final episode of "Lost" is on soon!
Yeah, let's go!
Wait. Where's my dad?
He knew he had to take us all home, too, right?
Yeah.
Dad? Where the hell could he have gone?
Oh, hey. Sorry, boys.
Later, Randy!
All right. See ya, Nelson.
Dad, weren't you watching?
I ran into Nelson from work.
We were over at the bar, watching the game.
Two-dollar margaritas! It was great.
All right. Come on. I'll drive you boys home.
- Are you sure you're all right? - Oh, yeah. I'll be fine.
I got some beers to keep my buzz going.
Dad, aren't you supposed to, like, not drink and drive?
I'm not drinking and driving. I'm driving while I'm drinking!
Right, boys?
Sure. Whatever, dude.
Oh, I got to pee. Hand me that empty bottle, Stan.
What? Just pull over.
Stan, you need to learn some things about being a man.
Give me that bottle.
There's a reason
God made our penises like little hoses, boys.
Hold the wheel, Stan.
When you boys start driving,
you're gonna need to learn to do this, too.
- Oh! Whoa. - Dad, we're gonna crash!
Shh! I'm trying to concentrate!
Just hold the damn wheel.
Dude, I think you're being followed.
Oh, yeah?
Get off my ass, dickhole!
No, dude, it's the police.
Oh, crap!
Here, hold this!
Aw, it's all warm!
Everybody just stay calm. I can handle this. No problem.
I know how to deal.
License and registration, please.
What seems to be the officer, problem?
Sir, why don't you step out of the car for me?
Okay.
Sir, I'm going to give you a sobriety test.
Okay. No problem. Easy.
Stand over here, please. Right there.
Now I want you to hold your arms out at your sides.
Ooh.
There! I did it. See? No problem.
And now touch your finger to your nose.
Do what?
Touch your finger to your nose.
Oh, come on! That's impossible!
Just bring one hand to your nose like this.
Okay.
Hang on.
Okay.
All right. H-Hang -- Hang on.
Hold -- Hold on.
Oh, hang on. Hang on.
Dude, what the hell is he doing?
I think his pants are falling down.
What? What did I do? What did I do?!
Keep blowing. Keep blowing. Keep blowing.
Oh, Jesus!
This is so embarrassing.
You know, Stan, I'd say that your dad racks a dis-a-prin.
I know. I didn't even get home until 2:30.
Man, that was such a bummer.
Look, guys, about last night --
Can you just keep quiet about it?
Why?
Because I don't want everyone knowing, okay?
Can we please just keep this to ourselves?
All right, Stan. Sure.
Okay, children. Let's take our seats.
Today we will be continuing our study of economics.
But first we're going to hear from a motivational speaker.
The state has sent over somebody to talk to you all
about the dangers of drunk driving.
Please welcome Stan's dad.
Oh, Jesus.
Well, uh, I'm supposed to tell you kids
about how bad drinking is.
I did a little drinking and driving,
and as part of my punishment,
I'm doing community-service work at schools like these.
Oh, that's very interesting, isn't it, kids?
Uh, y-you shouldn't drink because it leads to bad things.
I was in jail for the night, and, well, I guess --
I don't know. I -- Just don't drink.
But if you must drink, definitely don't drive.
I've definitely learned that firsthand.
Uh, that's all, I guess.
Well, I think we've all learned an important lesson,
haven't we, class?
If you don't make the right choices in life,
you could end up being a big loser, like Stan's dad.
Drinking and driving is for idiots.
Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they?
I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad
and say, "Is that who I want to be in 30 years,
getting tickets and having to go to elementary-school classrooms
and talk about how pathetic I am?"
Thank you, Mr. Marsh. I think you made your point.
Hello again, everyone.
My name is Michael, and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Michael.
As most of you know, I once lost my job and my family
because of my drinking.
But with the help of A.A., I've been sober for 10 years now.
Anybody have anything they want to tell the group for starters?
My name's Bill, and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Bill.
I've been using the 12-step program
for about two months now,
and -- and I'm really turning my life around.
No more blowing guys on Colfax Avenue
for a pint of vodka for this cowboy!
That's great.
And I understand this is somebody's first A.A. meeting.
Is that right?
Y-Yes. You, sir. Stand on up and introduce yourself.
Uh, my name's Randy, and...I just really like beer.
You have to admit you're an alcoholic.
But I don't know if I'm really an alcoholic.
Then why are you here?
Because I got a D.U.I.,
and so I'm required to attend A.A. meetings for two weeks.
I was stupid one night and drank too much
and then drove a car.
That was dumb, and I'm not gonna do it again.
Randy, you are powerless to make that decision.
The only thing that works is the 12-step program.
Step one is admitting
that you are powerless to control your drinking.
Only then can you move on to the other 12 steps,
like believing that only a higher power, God,
makes you stop drinking,
and then turning your life over to that god
and humbly asking God to remove your weaknesses.
W-Wait. Wait. Hold on.
I never knew that Alcoholics Anonymous was a religious thing.
It's not religious.
You just have to admit there is some kind of god
which has power over you, and turn your life over to that god
and ask him for forgiveness.
That's the 12-step program, not religion.
Look, I-I really just need to cut down on my drinking
and never drive a car drunk again.
You can't just cut down on your drinking, Randy.
You need to know something.
You have a disease.
A-A disease?
That's right. Alcoholism is a disease.
You're sick, Randy. You're very, very sick.
And just like with most diseases,
you can't cure it yourself, and it's deadly.
Oh, my God.
Dad, what the hell are you doing?
Hello, Stan.
Dad, it's the middle of the day!
I thought you weren't gonna drink as much anymore!
No, Stan. You don't understand.
I have a disease.
Daddy's very sick.
What?! Did you go to your A.A. meeting?
Yes! They're the ones that told me.
I thought I could just quit drinking on my own,
but it's an illness, son.
I have to admit that I'm powerless
to this terrible disease.
Dad, you've had enough. Just stop now.
I can't! I'm sick!
It's not fair!
Why did you give me this disease?
Stan!
Stan.
Aw, God damn it!
Stan, I...need your help.
Dad, what are you doing in Grandpa's extra wheelchair?
I've got to try to take it easy from now on, son.
Get Daddy another beer, will you?
No! You don't need another beer!
I know that!
But this disease is just eating me up!
I hate my illness!
Dad, you just need to not drink so much.
It's very simple.
I wish it was that simple, son.
But if I don't give myself up to a higher power,
this disease is gonna kill me dead.
I'm afraid that the only thing that will cure me
is a miracle.
Es un milagro.
Es un milagro!
Tom, I'm standing in the garden of St. Peter's Church in Bailey,
where what some call a miracle is taking place.
The statue of the Virgin Mary has started to bleed...
out its ass.
The phenomenon was first seen by Father Harold Barnes,
who saw the blood coming from the Virgin Mary's ass
late last night.
People from all over the state have flocked here to the church
to witness the apparent miracle firsthand.
Well, we just heard that this miracle was happening,
and we wanted to see it for ourselves and come and pray.
Why do you believe the Virgin Mary is dripping blood?
Well, it may represent her sorrow
over all the bad things going on in the world.
Why do you believe the Virgin Mary
is dripping blood out her ass?
As news of the miracle spreads,
hundreds are expected to show up here at the church,
hoping to witness the miracle and even cure their diseases.
Cure...Cure disease.
Stan!
My name is Harry, and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Harry.
I've been sober now for five years,
and I've learned that drinking iced tea
and getting more involved with my relationship with God
is -- is -- is way more fun than partying!
I-It sure is.
Once I accepted that I was powerless
to control my drinking and my life, I put it in God's hands.
And now these meetings are the most fun thing I do!
Yeah!
Uh, excuse me. Who's in charge here?
None of us are in charge. We're all powerless.
- We sure are. We're powerless. - That's right.
Uh, look, my dad was here yesterday,
and you all kind of messed him up
by telling him he had a disease.
Alcoholism is a disease.
No, i-it's not.
And you can't just go around
saying stuff like that to people like my dad.
H-He's a kind of a hypochondriac.
It is a disease because it's a physical dependency.
That makes it a disease.
No. Cancer is a disease.
My dad needs to drink less.
He can't quit by himself. None of us could.
He needs divine intervention, spirituality.
No, he just needs a dis-a-prin.
But thanks to you people, my dad now thinks he has a disease
that he can't cure himself.
Young man, do you know anything about the 12-step program?
Yeah, and I also know a thing or two about cults.
I was the leader of one for a while.
God damn it.
The crowd grows larger every hour
as the statue of the Virgin Mary
continues to miraculously cry blood out her ass.
Cardinal Mallory has been sent by the Vatican
to determine whether this is a true miracle or not.
Right this way, Cardinal.
The blood always comes from the same area --
sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.
It's a miracle.
Okay. Here we go.
Dad! Dad, what are you doing?!
I got to drive to Bailey.
Dad, you're drunk. You're not driving a car!
No, Stan. You don't understand.
There's a church in Bailey.
The statue of the Virgin Mary is bleeding out her ass.
What?!
They say her divine ass blood has miraculous healing power.
She can cure my alcoholism!
I'll be back soon!
Dad, you can't drive.
Your license is suspended, remember?
If you get pulled over again,
you're gonna go to jail for 10 years!
All right.
Then you drive.
I'm 8!
This is my only hope, Stan!
Either you drive this car or I will!
I sure hope this works.
No. No. It will work.
I have to put my faith in a higher power.
I have to believe that this will work.
There! There's the church! Stop right here, Stan!
Where? I can't see!
Right here is good! Big pedal! Left pedal!
All right. Get my wheelchair out of the back.
Is that the line?
Oh, God!
Is this whole line people waiting to be cured?
Yeah. I was diagnosed with brain cancer two months ago.
I feel like this is my only hope.
I know exactly how you feel.
I've got alcoholism.
Oh, my God.
Wait a minute.
Stan, isn't that Josh Garrett up there?
He's from South Park. Maybe he'll let us in line with him.
Dad, let's just wait our turn.
I could die waiting in this line, Stan!
Come on. Let's go!
Hey, Josh Garrett! How you doing?
Oh. Hey, Randy. What happened to you?
I've got a disease -- alcoholism.
It's pretty serious. You?
My daughter has elephantitis.
We are the same, she and I.
Hey, what do you think you're doing, kid?
You're trying to cut in line!
I just -- My dad was --
You're a butter! You're a dirty line cutter!
Praise Jesus.
This is taking too long. I'm gonna run out of beer.
- Stan! - What?
You see that guy up there? I think he has a kidney disease.
Every couple minutes,
he gets out of line to go to the bathroom.
When he leaves next, let's take his place.
No, Dad! People will see!
The guy behind him is blind!
There he goes! Come on! Come on! Go, go, go!
Hey. I smell a butter!
He did! That kid just cut in line!
Back of the line, butter!
I'm going to die!
Dad, we're going back!
What's going on here?
This kid's cutting in line!
Please, Officer, you have to understand.
I need a miracle way more than these people.
I'm an alcoholic, and I'm powerless over it.
I understand. My -- My brother's an alcoholic.
Here. Let me push you to the front of the line.
Oh, bless you, sir! Bless you!
Excuse me. Out the way, please!
Alcoholic coming through!
She's beautiful.
Ahh.
Ahh!
I'm...not going to drink this.
I'm not going to drink this!
It's a miracle! I'm cured!
Yahoo-hoo!
Praise Jesus!
Praise Mary, the blessed Virgin Mother!
Thank you! Thank you, God!
Good morning, family.
The Lord has truly blessed us with another beautiful day.
It's just amazing.
I haven't had a drink in five days.
Praise Christ.
Praise Him.
- Praise Christ. - Praise Christ.
I've got another A.A. meeting today,
and guess where it's gonna be, Stan.
At Whistlin' Willy's Pizza, so you can come with me!
Dad, all the guys are going to Kyle's house
to watch the Bronco game.
Kenny and Kyle's dads were hoping you'd come.
Stan, those people drink.
I have new friends now --
my A.A. friends, who have faith in a higher power.
Boy, this lemonade is great!
Who knew how fun being sober could be?
Your dad doesn't drink either?
No, my dad doesn't drink.
Does that mean we're friends?
Excuse me. I'd like to address the group, if I may.
Sure, Randy. Go ahead.
I'm Randy, and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Randy.
But I put my faith in a higher power,
and I haven't had a drink for five days now.
An incredible update from the bleeding Virgin Mary statue.
Oh, hey. Shh. Shh. Hold on a second, gang.
Earlier today, the new pope, Pope Benedict XVI himself,
visited the statue here in Bailey
to witness the miracle firsthand.
It was an amazing sight to behold
as Pope Benedict made his way through the throngs of people.
Right this way, Your Holiness.
The pope then examined the statue closely.
After witnessing the phenomenon firsthand,
the pope then cleaned himself off
and then declared that the bleeding Virgin Mary statue
is not a miracle!
What?
Having investigated closely, the pope determined
that the blood was not coming from the Virgin Mary's ass,
but rather from her vagina.
And the pope said, quote...
Back to you, Tom.
Thanks, Edward. That's a very shocking story.
That means...I'm not cured.
I still have the disease.
Bartender, I need a drink!
Three shots of Macallen, two small bottles of vodka,
three bottles of beer, and some jello shooters!
Come on! Let's go!
Randy, what are you doing?
You heard what he said! The higher power didn't cure me!
I'm powerless again!
I-I-I'm powerless, too!
Yeah! Me too!
Get me seven martinis!
Jack and Coke!
Dad! Dad, stop!
I'm sorry, son. I'm off the wagon.
Dad, you don't have to do this.
You have the power.
You haven't drank since seeing the statue.
But the statue wasn't a miracle.
Yeah, the statue wasn't a miracle, Dad.
So that means you did it.
That means you didn't have a drink for five days
all on your own!
You're right, Stan.
If God didn't make me stop drinking, then I did.
Maybe...Maybe I can force myself to never drink again.
No!
No?
Dad, you like to drink, so have a drink once in a while.
Have two!
If you devote your whole life
to completely avoiding something you like,
then that thing still controls your life
and you've never learned any discipline at all.
But maybe I'm just the kind of person
who needs to have it all or nothing.
No. All or nothing is easy.
But learning to drink a little bit, responsibly --
that's a dis-a-prin.
Dis-a-prin come from within.
How did I manage to raise such a smart kid?
I've had a great teacher.
Thanks, son.
No, not you. My karate teacher. He's really smart.
Oh. Well, tell you what.
Let's leave the car here, walk home, and watch the game.
I'd like to have another beer or two.
- All right! - Come on!
Or maybe I'll have three beers.
That's probably okay if you spread it out.
- Well, how about four? - I think you're pushing it.
- How about 20? - That's not dis-a-prin.
Right, right. Does vodka count?
Dad!