♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
Mom! Mom, get up! We have to go!
Mom, get up!
Oh, poopykins, it's very early.
Mom, I told you --
The new Sony PSP game machine goes on sale at 7:00 a.m. today.
I have to be the first to get one.
Come on!
Sweetie, can't we go after school?
Everyone's moms are taking their kids after school.
We're outsmarting everyone
by getting to the store right when it opens.
Let's go!
I can't wait to see the look on everyone's faces
when I show up to school with a PSP.
I wonder if Kyle will cry.
Oh, please, let Kyle cry.
What the hell?!
Kenny, when did you get here?
Mrph rm.
Friday?! Aw, Jesus!
I'll just... sort of get in -- in here.
Hey, dickhole, what do you think you're doing?
Uh, my friend Kenny was saving my place in line.
There's no saving places, fourthie.
Get to the back or we'll beat your face in.
Oh, God damn it!
They'd better not sell out.
That thing is pretty cool. What games did you get with it?
It's a game called Heaven vs. Hell.
Kenny commands the armies of heaven
against the forces of Satan.
Dude, you see what Kenny got?
Yes, yes! I know! Up yours, Kyle!
W-What'd I do?
Just shut your Jew mouth!
Congratulations! You have reached level 9.
Wow! Level 9 already?
Dude, you kick ass at Heaven vs. Hell.
Yeah, Kenny finally found something he's really good at.
Kenny?
Kenny, are you still playing with that thing?
Kenny, it's been two weeks, and you've done nothing else.
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Who cares if you almost made it to level 60?!
You're wasting your life, Kenny!
If you died tomorrow, what would you have to show for it?
You're gonna end up wishing you'd done more with your life,
just like your deadbeat father!
Hey, I heard that, bitch!
I wasn't talking to you, asshole!
How about I come in there and kick your teeth in?!
I'd like to see you try!
You have to smart off to me in my own house?!
It's my house, too, you no-good loser!
You have reached level 60!
Mrph!
Mrph rm! Mrph rmhmhm!
Mrph rmhmhm --
Oh, yeah! Level 4! Sweet!
Mrph rmhmhm rm.
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rm! Mrph rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rm!
Open the gate!
Welcome to the kingdom of heaven, Kenny.
I am Peter.
Mrph rmh mrph rmphm?
There isn't much time, Kenny.
You are dead, but your death was no accident.
Heaven needs you.
Mrph?
Come. There's much to discuss.
Things are not good in heaven, Kenny.
Satan is planning a massive attack,
and he knows we are too few in number to stop him.
God has changed the rules here.
For ages, only Mormons were allowed into heaven.
- Hey! - Hi there!
- Hello! - Oh, hi!
But knowing that hell was becoming much larger,
God decided to let more people cross over
so that he could build an army as well --
an army that you must command.
Mrph rm?!
The Sony PSP was built by God to determine who on earth
had the best skills to defeat the armies of Satan.
You are the best.
You are the only hope for the universe.
Satan's army grows as we speak.
The dark lord knows that our armies are few in number
and unorganized, so our only hope is perfect strategy.
A child? This is God's solution?
He beat Satan's army in over 3,000 separate simulations.
Archangel Michael, what say you?
The child did something none of us could --
reach level 60 on the PSP.
I don't know if that's luck or perseverance,
but it's goddamned impressive.
All right, Kenny, let me show you what we're up against.
This is the kingdom of heaven.
Satan's army will attack the gates here.
They are 10 billion in number, maybe more.
Our armies are here, here, and here --
just under 10,000 strong.
We are outnumbered and in need of someone
who can single-handedly bring the whole dark empire down.
Basically, Kenny, you are Keanu Reeves.
My fellow damned souls, now is the time for our assault.
You know no fear!
You will drink the blood of angels!
We go now! Nothing can stop us!
Move aside! Step aside, I say!
Satan, God has mocked Thee once again.
My spy.
God has found a way to defeat your army.
Impossible. How?
A young man.
Basically, he -- he's like Keanu Reeves.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
My lord. My lord, we must attack now.
What's the point? They have a Keanu Reeves now.
Do not fear, my lord. Your army is great.
Very well.
Demon army, begin your march on heaven.
Up here you get the best tactical view
to protect the fortress.
It is from here, Kenny,
that you shall command the armies of heaven.
Mrph? Mrph rmh rmphm?
Simple.
You will use...this.
This golden PSP is king of all PSPs.
Hail the Holy PSP.
It works just like the ones we sent to earth.
All the commands you make
will be sent to the troops down on the battlefield.
All you have to do is play the game, Kenny.
Only this time, it's for reals.
Gabriel returns with news.
Hell's army is departing.
They head now for the gates of heaven.
Prepare the troops! We must be ready for them!
The time is at hand, Kenny.
The stage is set, and the final battle
between heaven and hell is about to begin!
The fate of the outcome is in your hands.
Where'd he go?
Doctor! Doctor, we have a pulse!
Then that's it! We've brought him back.
Amazing, Doctor.
You've revived somebody
who's been legally dead for almost a day.
Call the parents.
They're going to be shocked to find out their son is alive.
It's the latest in electroplastilical science.
Your son's organs are all functioning again.
It's a miracle.
Kenny, you're alive.
I'm afraid he can't respond to you.
You see, being dead for that long,
most of Kenny's brain cells died from lack of oxygen.
Your son is alive
but in what we call a persistive vegetative state.
Will he ever recover?
I'm afraid no.
Brain cells cannot be repaired once dead.
But his soul is still in here.
Almost trapped in here, if you will.
Kenny is the same as he ever was.
It's just that now he's more like...a tomato.
He can't move on his own? How will he eat?
A feeding tube.
It pumps a nutrient paste directly into Kenny's stomach.
With it we can actually keep Kenny the tomato
alive for years.
A feeding tube?
Yes. Apparently they're using machines to keep him alive.
But that's not natural!
God intended Kenny to die! What are these people doing?!
The child's soul is now trapped inside his vegetative body.
We have no one to command the troops with the PSP.
And Satan's armies are approaching.
Oh, God damn it.
Boys, I want to thank you for coming down to my office
on such short notice.
Are we in trouble or something?
No. Boys, I'm a lawyer.
Your friend Kenny passed away,
and I've called you here to read his will.
Kenny had a will?
"In the highly likely event of my death,
I, Kenny McCormick, wish to leave all my belongings
to my good friends Stan and Kyle.
Dudes, you were the best friends a guy could have."
Oh, wow.
That's...really touching.
Fags.
"To Eric Cartman -- Eric, I never really liked you.
But, then, nobody does.
You have no ability to feel,
and you are going to die alone and miserable.
It is only because I feel so sorry for you
that I leave you my Sony PSP."
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, baby!
Who's the man?! Who's the man?!
"There is one more thing I would like to ask you all
as my friends.
If I should ever be in a vegetative state
and kept alive on life support, please..."
Please what?
I don't know. I lost the last page.
Who cares?! Kenny's dead!
When do I take possession of my PSP, sir?
It's right here, along with Kenny's other belongings.
They're all yours.
Yes.
- He's alive! - What?
Kenny McCormick! He's alive at the hospital!
Oh, my God!
Your army nears the kingdom of heaven, my lord.
I don't know if we should continue
without knowing more about this Keanu Reeves God has.
Satan, I come bearing good news.
The Keanu Reeves boy has been revived on earth.
His soul is no longer in heaven.
Then God is helpless.
Full march to the gates of heaven!
Victory is ours!
Kenny?
Kenny, you're alive!
Dude, how'd you do that?
He can't respond to you, boys.
Being dead for that long caused severe damage to his brain.
Well -- Well, then he's not alive.
He's alive. He smiled when I talked to him.
I think.
That's not Kenny!
Kenny sniffs paint and sets things on fire. Here. Look.
Kenny? Kenny, look. You want a dollar?
I don't know if it's right
to keep Kenny alive on that machine.
I-I just -- I don't know what he would want.
Yeah. The lawyer lost that page.
Oh, I just remembered!
Kenny told me this one time
that he wouldn't want to be kept alive by a feeding tube.
He did? When?
Um, it was, um, this one time.
He did not say that.
You just want him dead so you can have his stupid PSP!
Stupid? PSP is stupid?!
Did you all hear that?!
I mean -- I mean this isn't about PSP, Kyle.
This is about my friend and his wishes.
And Kenny said he didn't want to live like this.
- He did not! - Did so!
- Did not! - Fine!
We'll see about this, you frickin' Jew!
I'm gonna get that feeding tube removed
if I have to go all the way to the Supreme Court!
Satan's army has crossed over the plains of limbo.
Then they will be here on the morrow.
Without Kenny's soul here,
there will be nobody who can use the Holy PSP.
No! There is another.
A Japanese boy did make it to level 59.
Are you stupid, Uriel?
Japanese people don't have souls.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
- Yeah, Uriel.
Oh, right, right. I'm sorry.
Kenny remains our only hope. Here is what we must do.
Gabriel and Uriel, you go down to earth
and try to get that feeding tube removed.
In the meantime...
...we will put all our troops at heaven's gate.
We will try to keep hell's army from breaking through
as long as possible.
Hopefully, it will be long enough
to get our Keanu Reeves back.
You see, Your Honors, I was the only one
that Kenny McCormick told his wishes to.
And Kenny told me specifically
that he would never want to be kept alive on machines.
What they are doing to him is not right.
Well, I'm sorry, young man,
but the parents want their child kept alive.
I don't believe you have any legal authority here.
I do have legal authority, Your Honor.
You see, I was Kenny's BFF.
Best friends forever?
That's right.
Kenny and I have been BFFs since first grade.
Here. Look.
Kenny has the other half of this BFF necklace.
I believe you all know what that means
and how serious this is.
Look, Kenny. Your friends are here to visit you again.
But this just doesn't seem right.
W-What's the matter, Doctor?
I'm afraid I've been given a court order
to remove Kenny's feeding tube.
What?
He's right in here.
Cartman!
Kenny's BFF says
that Kenny didn't want to be kept alive artificially.
The courts have determined we must obey his wish.
Cartman is not Kenny's BFF!
Sir, take a look at this.
That's all the verification we need.
Pull the feeding tube, Doctor.
No, Doctor, you can't!
I'm sorry. I have no choice.
Here is the hospital.
This is hopeless, Gabriel.
We cannot interact with anything on earth.
How can we possibly get a feeding tube removed?
That dirty, evil, no-good son of a bitch!
Now that Cartman got Kenny's feeding tube out,
he's gonna die for sure.
The tube has been removed?
How can they let an 8-year-old decide Kenny's fate?
Apparently some blessed child has done our work for us.
Good.
Now all we must do is pray nobody interferes
with the child's death a second time.
Dude, we have to do whatever we can
to get that feeding tube put back in.
- Yeah. - No!
Let's go to the, uh, media.
We'll make everyone in the country know
they're killing Kenny.
Yeah! Come on!
No. No. No! Boys!
Aw, God damn it!
This is HBC news.
A right-to-die debate is heating up in Colorado,
where Kenny McCormick's feeding tube
has been removed by his BFF.
Two boys are bringing national attention to the story
by protesting outside the hospital.
Don't kill Kenny!
You bastards!
Don't kill Kenny!
You bastards!
No! No, they're not killing him.
They're letting him die!
You bureaucrats have no right to play God
and take that tube out!
No, no. See, they were playing God
when they put the feeding tube in.
A woman was arrested for trying to bring food to the patient.
Get your man hands off of me!
However, a growing number of people
are also standing behind Kenny's BFF, Eric Cartman.
We must respect the wishes of people's BFFs.
Otherwise, all our BFF necklaces would become meaningless.
We all have BFFs,
and we believe a BFF is the highest legal authority.
That's right. Respect our authoritah.
What mockery is this?!
My lord?
The feeding tube has been pulled.
If the child dies and his soul returns to heaven,
God will have his Keanu Reeves.
Perhaps the child won't die in time.
Forget it! I'm calling the attack off.
No!
Keep your army marching, my lord.
I will get that feeding tube put back in.
How?
I will do what we always do -- use the Republicans.
We Republicans are deeply saddened
by the tragic events in Colorado.
Removing the feeding tube is murder.
Who are we to decide that Kenny should live or die?
It is God's will that he live.
It is God's will that he live!
No, no. You don't say that part.
Jesus. Their army is massive.
Heaven help us.
The biggest battle of all time is about to begin --
the battle of the feeding tube --
as people on both sides of the argument
vie for media attention.
We want all the country to see that Kenny is alive and in pain.
I believe the people at home can see he's not in pain
because he's a tomato.
You say tomato, but I say Kenny!
You say Kenny, but I say tomato!
- Tomato! - Kenny!
- Tomato!
Uh, excuse me.
I, uh, just found the last page of Kenny's will.
What?
I found the page where Kenny specified his wishes
about being on life support.
Well, what does it say?
"If I should ever be
in a vegetative state and kept alive on life support,
please...
...for the love of God, don't ever show me in that condition
on national television."
Ooh.
Whoops.
Oh, geez.
Maybe we let this thing get out of hand.
This issue is so complicated,
but maybe we should just let Kenny go in peace.
You mean Cartman's side is right?
Cartman's side is right for the wrong reasons,
but we're wrong for the right reasons.
Yeah.
Come on, everybody.
I think Kenny wants to be left alone.
We've just received word that Kenny McCormick has passed away.
The debate still rages on in America,
but at least now Kenny is in a much more peaceful place.
Satan's army has broken through the gates!
We're gonna die!
Send all troops to the battlefield.
I will command as best I can.
Michael! Michael!
The humans finally did the right thing!
Oh, my God. They killed Kenny!
Get him into the command station! Hurry!
Satan's army charges.
Tell our troops what to do, Kenny.
So it begins.
Now we shall see the final battle
between heaven and hell play out.
Yes! Good, Kenny.
The angel spearmen are taking out their demon soulrippers.
Oh, the calvary angels are clashing
with their black knights.
Oh, my God! My God, this battle is epic!
Oh, they're bringing in their demon dragons.
Look at the size of them!
My God, this is even bigger than the final battle
in the "Lord of the Rings" movie!
It's like -- it's like 10 times bigger than that battle.
No! No! How are we losing?
The child's soul is in heaven! God has his secret weapon!
Full retreat!
Patience, my lord.
No, Kevin!
That's it -- I'm breaking up with you!
Yes. Yes, Kenny!
Satan's forces are retreating!
This is truly a sight to behold.
Oh, I wish I had a camcorder!
We have done it!
We have defeated the armies of Satan!
Yay!
Kenny, bless your soul!
You've saved all of heaven!
Yes, Kenny.
And to thank you for what you've done,
we are going to give you a very special gift.
For saving the entire universe from the forces of evil,
we give you this...
...Keanu Reeves statue.
Congratulations.