♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
Hey, fellas.
Oh, hey, Jimmy. Hey, Timmy.
Timmy!
Say, fellas, Timmy and I were wondering
if maybe you would come and cheer for us next S-Saturday.
We're both competing
in the Special Olympics down in Denver.
The Special Olympics? What's so special about them?
They're Olympic Games for handicapped people.
What?
Timmy and I are competing in a variety of events.
Yeah, sure. We'll come cheer you and Timmy on.
- Yeah. That'd be cool. - Thanks a lot, fellas.
Well, we got to get to the training center and start working out.
Word is we have a lot of stiff competition this year.
All right. See you on Saturday, guys.
Timmy!
Dude, I can't believe they exploit
handicapped people like this.
I mean, making them compete against each other
just for our amusement.
You're an asshole, Cartman.
What? What'd I do?
S-Six.
Timmy.
S-S-Seven!
Timmy. Timmy!
S-S-Seven!
Timmy! Timmy!
I ca-- I can't!
Oh, man.
Gee whiz, Timmy.
It looks like we have some pretty stiff competition
this year.
All the special athletes seem to be in tip-top condition,
and I can't even get past seven r-reps.
Well, that's it for me, Timmy.
I'm p-p-p-pooped.
I'll see you in the locker room.
Timmy!
Hey, Jimmy, good luck on Saturday.
You too, Francis.
Hey, Jimmy.
Oh, h-hey, Nathan.
So, uh, I see you're training pretty hard.
Yeah. It sure is tough.
I'm training really hard,
but I'm not improving fast enough,
and the Special Olympics are a week away.
Well...maybe I can help you out.
You know, there are...shortcuts.
What kind of shortcuts?
You know.
Steroids.
S-S-S-S-Steroids?
But aren't those illegal?
Yeah, sure. But these are new.
They don't show up in a urine test.
So, uh, how do they w-work?
You just take one of these little blue babies
three times a day
and inject this directly into your bloodstream
twice a day before meals.
How much would this cost me?
Uh, it isn't cheap.
I've got to keep vice off my back
and secure shipments from overseas.
Well, m-maybe I'll just use them a-a little bit --
you know, as a performance enhancer.
Whatever you say, Jimmy, my friend.
Whatever you say.
- Vrr! Vrr! - Beep-beep!
- Mrph! Mrph!
You guys! You guys! I have the best idea ever!
- I'm gonna be rich! - What?
Dude, I was looking at the Special Olympics brochure,
and check this shit out.
"At the end of the Special Olympics,
a grand champion special athlete is crowned
and given a cash prize of $1,000."
So?
So?! So, dude, think about it.
If somebody just pretended to be mentally handicapped,
they could easily win the competition
and get the thousand bucks!
Oh, no. Cartman, no!
It's flawless!
I'll act like I have a disability,
and when the time comes to compete,
I'll kick ass against all the handicapped!
That's really, really terrible, dude.
Terrible?! Whatever.
You guys' brains just can't compute
complex plans like mine can.
It'll work. You'll see.
Cartman, I will not stand by
and let you cheat your way to winning the Special Olympics!
- Why? - Because!
What are you gonna do, Kyle, tell on me?
Then you'll be a great big, no-good,
double-faced, poopy-pants tattletale.
Is that really how you deal with your problems?
Grow up, Kyle.
All I have to do is make people think I'm handicapped,
and I get $1,000.
It won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.
♪ Push it to the limit ♪
♪ The limit ♪
♪ Walk along the razor's edge ♪
♪ Don't look down ♪
♪ Just keep your head or you'll be finished ♪
♪ Open up the limit ♪
♪ The limit ♪
♪ Past the point of no return ♪
♪ Reach the top ♪
♪ But still you got to learn how to keep it ♪
♪ Hit the wheel and double the stakes ♪
♪ Throttle wide open like a bat out of hell ♪
♪ You crash the gate ♪
♪ Crash the gate ♪
♪ Going for the back of beyond ♪
♪ Nothing gonna stop you ♪
♪ There's nothing that strong ♪
♪ So close now ♪
♪ You're nearly at the brink, so push it ♪
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
♪ Welcome to the limi-i-i-i-t ♪
- ♪ Push it to the limit ♪ - Duhrr! Duhrrrr!
I want to be in the Thpecial Olympicth.
Bull's-eye.
Uh! Uh, j-just a second!
Jimmy?
Hang on. I-I'm c-coming!
Jim, it's your father.
I said I'm coming! Give me a goddamn s-second.
Jimmy, were you masturbating?
N-No, Dad.
Okay. Well, you have a visitor.
Hi, Jimmy.
Oh. Hi, N-N-Nancy.
I was hoping we could study for the spelling test tomorrow.
Oh, sure thing. Come on in.
I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Jim.
Yeah, Dad. We've been going out
since we met in free period last week.
I'll leave you two alone.
You sure you weren't masturbating, Jim?
It's okay if you were.
Dad! Jesus C-Christ!
Okay, then.
Mrph!
Duhhh-ee!
Duhhh!
Hey, guys. What's going on?
Duhhh!
God damn you.
You see, gentlemen,
the Special Olympics championship and my $1,000
is just four days away.
I'm going to go sign up now.
No, you're not.
I read the brochure, Cartman.
If you're under 18, you have to have a parent with you
to sign up for the Special Olympics.
What?
It says right there a parent has to be with you to sign up,
and you'll never get your mom to agree
to something so horrible, so ha!
Mo-o-o-m?
Yes, hon?
Um, could I get you to do something for me?
What's that, hon?
Um, okay, this is going to sound a little strange,
um, but stick with me.
Um, Mo-o-o-m... would you mind coming with me
to sign up for the Special Olympics
so I can beat all the handicapped kids and win $1,000?
Oh. No, sweetie.
I believe those Olympics are just for special children.
I'm not special?
I thought you always said I was special.
You are, hon, but I don't think that's a very good idea.
I'll split the money with you.
I'm sorry, Eric. The answer is no.
All right, Mom. Look.
Here's the truth.
God, this is gonna be hard to say.
I think, Mom, that I've been hard
on some of the handicapped kids at school in the past.
I've sometimes looked at people with disabilities
as people God put here on earth for my amusement, but...
now I'm starting to think,
if I could just spend one day in their shoes,
if I could just see the challenges they face every day,
maybe I wouldn't be so cold.
I just want a chance to change.
Help me change?
Oh, a-all right, sweetie.
I-I'll take you tomorrow.
Awesome.
You did a great job in the 500, Timmy.
You're really imp-p-roving.
Timmy!
I think I've got a shot at the gold
in the swimming competition.
Coach says I'm the fastest he's ever seen.
I'll see you bright and early
for p-practice tomorrow, Tim-Tim.
Oh, hey, could you hand me my bag?
Timmy!
T-Timmy?
Oh, uh...so, hey, Timmy,
h-how about we go out for a d-doughnut later?
I'll, uh, I'll see you later, Tim-Tim.
Timmy.
Look, it's really none of your b-b-b-beeswax, Timmy.
Timmy.
Timmy!
Because maybe I don't have what it takes to win w-without them!
Timmy.
Ti-- T-Timmy.
You -- You aren't gonna t-tell anybody, are you?
Timmy! T-Timmy!
Look, it's my b-body, and it's my choice what I put in it!
Timmy. Timmy, Jimmy!
Ah, Timmy! Jimmy!
Don't lecture me on the complexities of sportsmanship.
You know as well as I do most of the kids in Special Olympics
are shooting up to compete.
I'm just trying to k-keep up.
Huh.
Timmy...Timmy.
S-So, what are you gonna do now, huh?
You gonna be a fucking narc and show that bottle to the coaches?
Don't think you're any better than me, Timmy!
I'm just living in the real world!
Fuck!
Timmy!
Hyah! Timmy!
All right! Thirty yards, Timmy! Keep it up!
Aah, Timmy! Liv-a-la!
Hyah!
Wow! Jimmy, I can't believe how much you've improved!
You're bigger and stronger than I've ever seen you!
Yeah. I've been working out r-really hard.
You keep going like this,
and you'll break Special Olympic records on Saturday!
Okay. So this is all the stuff we need to sign Michael in?
Yep. Just take the sign-up sheet to the next table,
and they'll get it all finalized.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Good luck, Michael!
Thanks!
Okay, Next in line, please.
Duhhhhh! Duhhhhh!
Hello there.
Hello.
Um, I would like to sign my son up, please.
Duhhhhh!
Oh, great. What's his name?
Eric Cartman.
Cartman!
Duhhhhh!
Okay. Age?
He's 9.
Okay.
And what's his disability?
Um, he's retarded.
No. I'm asking what his specific condition is --
Down syndrome, cerebral palsy?
Oh. Oh, I'm not sure.
Sweetie, what is your condition?
How should I know? I'm retarded.
Duhhhhh!
I'll just leave that blank for now.
Yeah. B-bigger. S-Stronger.
Oh, hi, Timmy. Come on in.
I understand you have something important
you want to talk to me about, m'kay.
Timmy.
Well, Timmy, as your counselor,
I want you to know that you can tell me anything, m'kay.
And whatever is troubling you, I want to try and --
and help you with it.
Timmy.
M-M'kay. Right. You're Timmy.
Y-You have a problem?
No, not Timmy! Jimmy.
J-Jimmy?
Oh! Oh!
Jimmy!
Oh, Jimmy Valmer. Oh, okay. What about him?
Timmy! Timmy, Jimmy!
Here Jimmy.
Timmy! Ti-- Oh! T-Timmy?
Timmy?
Jimmy! Jimmy -- Timmy, Timmy, Timmy.
Timmy, Timmy!
Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy, Timmy!
Timmy!
Mmm'kay.
I don't quite follow, Timmy.
Jimmy...
Right. Jimmy Valmer.
Ah, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jim--
Thhh!
Jimmy, Jimmy! Jimmy, Jimmy!
Right. He's Jimmy. Yeah.
Aah!
"How I Will Spend My One Thousand Dollars,"
by Eric Cartman.
Enter.
Cartman, I really, really have a problem
with what you're doing.
I object to it morally, and I find it grossly offensive.
Go on, Kyle.
I know that I often have serious moral objections
to the things that you do, but...
this time I think you really need to reconsider.
Because if you do this, I believe you will go to hell.
So I feel it is my responsibility as your friend
to tell people what you're doing and to put a stop to it.
Well, Kyle, I understand where you're coming from,
and I appreciate your being so direct.
Um, the thing is, you really have
kind of a warped view on morality because you're Jewish.
Now, Kyle, you haven't gone to see
Mel Gibson's film "The Passion," but --
I didn't come here to talk about "The Passion," Cartman.
Let me finish.
If you had seen "The Passion," you would know
that hell is reserved for the Jews
and all those who don't accept Christ.
That being the case, it is actually me
who is worried about your soul.
I came here to talk about you.
Yes.
And instead, you had a breakthrough yourself.
This is really the beginning
of a whole new chapter of your life, Kyle.
Good luck.
Come on. Push it! Push it!
Yeah. Nice p-pecs.
Sweet b-biceps.
Jimmy, I thought we were meeting at the doughnut shop.
The games are in two days, Nancy.
I can't be w-wasting my time.
I guess I didn't realize I was a waste of time.
Oh, Jesus. You gonna start running your mouth off again?
P-Push it. Push it!
Jimmy, everyone's worried about you.
You seem different.
T-They're all just jealous.
You're not the boy I fell in love with
last week during free period.
I'm leaving you.
You're not leaving me.
You try to leave me, and I'll kill you, bitch.
You can't treat people like this!
I said shut your mouth, bitch!
Why did you make me do it, huh?
You're not leaving anybody!
You just keep your g-goddamn mouth shut
and do as you're t-t-tol-- told!
Jimmy, what's the -- Jimmy!
- Oh, my God! - Oh, Jimmy!
Stay away from me, you stupid b-b-bitches!
Welcome, everyone, to the 2004 Special Olympics!
We will be holding various competitions throughout the day.
And at the end of it all,
we will have some very special celebrity athletes here
to present the trophy for top athlete,
along with a cash prize of $1,000.
Top athlete. Yeah.
$1,000. Yeah.
So let's have all our athletes report
to their first assigned events, and...let the games begin!
Will those athletes in heat one of the 100-meter dash
please report to track area B?
Okay, racers. Are we ready?
Take your marks!
Duhhh! Duhhh!
On your marks. Get set.
W-What the hell?!
Great job, everyone!
You three advance to the next heat.
- All right! - We did it!
Yeah. I guess I -- guess I just have to kick ass
in the other events.
Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
He's got it!
That's a new Special Olympics record, folks!
♪ Push it to the limit ♪
♪ The limit ♪
♪ Walk along the razor's edge ♪
- God damn it! - ♪ Don't look down ♪
♪ Just keep your head or you'll be finished ♪
Winner -- Jimmy Valmer!
♪ Open up the limit ♪
♪ The limit ♪
♪ Past the point of no return ♪
♪ Reach the top ♪
All right. This one I can win. Here. Hold this.
I'll show you goddamn retards.
♪ Hit the wheel and double the stakes ♪
♪ Throttle wide open like a bat out of hell ♪
- Ah, Timmy! - ♪ You crash the gate ♪
God damn it!
♪ Welcome to the limit ♪
That's another Special Olympics record!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! I did it! Yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen,
our day of competition has come to an end,
and we have an Ultimate Grand Special Champion for 2004.
Here to present the award are baseball legends
Mark McGwire, Jason Giambi, and Barry Bonds!
The 2004 special athlete is... Jimmy Valmer!
Yeah! Fuck, yeah!
Yeah! I did it!
I'm the b-b-best!
Congratulations, Jimmy.
But we all know that the Special Olympics
isn't just about winning,
and so we will now give out the Spirit Award
to the handicapped person who came in very last --
Eric Cartman!
Aw, screw you, hippies!
For winning the Spirit Award,
Eric will receive this gift certificate to Shakey's for $50!
Come on up, Eric!
I can go to Shakey's.
Uh, duhhh! Duhh!
Dyee! Dyeee! Deh!
Hey! Just what the hell do you think you're doing, Eric?
Uh... Uh, duh.
You f-faked being handicapped to win?!
I should k-kick your ass right here,
you lousy, no-good ch-ch-cheater!
Timmy.
What?
Timmy.
Oh, my God. Y-You're right, Timmy.
You're totally right.
Everyone, can I have your attention, p-please?
I'm afraid I have to give back my medal.
The truth is, I haven't been playing fair either.
I've been using s-s-steroids.
I was willing to do anything to be the best,
and the steroids made me blind to the people I was hurting.
A good friend even tried to talk me out of it,
and I wouldn't listen to him.
Timmy.
Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped
at the Special Olympics,
because you're taking all the fairness out of the game.
But I know now that even if you do win on steroids,
you're really not a winner.
You're just a p-pussy.
You're just a big fat p-p-pussy.
And if you take steroids,
the only decent thing to do is come forward and say,
"Remove me from the record books because I am a big stinky
p-pussy, steroid-taking jackass."
That's how I feel about myself
and why I must decline this medal
and my place in the history books.
And if you let me,
I'll be back next year to compete with honor.
Hey, kid, good for you for being honest.
Well, guys, I guess now you see what I was up to all along.
I dressed up like a handicapped person
and lost the Special Olympics on purpose
so that Jimmy could learn his lesson about steroids.
G-- Oh, yeah?!
Well -- Well, you guys are assholes!
Grow up!