♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
Friends, we gather in this place
to mourn the victims of yesterday's tragedy,
nine good people who were run over in the street
by an elderly woman driver.
Oh, God, memorial services are so boring.
You insensitive asshole, Cartman!
Nine people died!
Yeah, but like eight of them were hippies.
Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets.
Mostly.
It is sometimes hard in times like these
to understand God's way.
Why would he allow nine innocent people
to be run down in the prime of their lives
by a senior citizen who perhaps shouldn't be driving?
It is then that we must understand
God's sense of humor is very different from our own.
He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke.
No.
God needs complex irony
and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me.
All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh
and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.
Look out!
Ah! Was that a stop sign back there?
Oh, I think I hit a pothole.
Hey, Dad, how come they let old people drive?
Well, Stan, it's a very fragile issue.
But they kill people.
Sometimes, yes.
But senior citizens have to be dealt with very gingerly, Stan.
We can't just take their licenses away.
I'll be God damned if they think they can take my license away!
Oh, hi, Dad. - I heard what you said!
You want to take driving privileges away from seniors!
Well, let me tell you something, pecker face,
I worked 55 years in a steel mill...
Yes, Dad.
...and I flew Spitfires over Germany in World War II...
Yes, I know.
...and I will be God damned if the government thinks
it can step in and take away my right to drive!
I think old people should have rights, Grandpa.
I just don't want to die.
Damn it, Mona, this isn't the fastest way
to Country Kitchen Buffet.
No, but it's the shortest. Save the most gas that way.
You save more gas
if you take the highway to Country Kitchen Buffet!
Less miles means less gas, you old fool.
There's Country Kitchen right there!
Where?
Back there! You're gonna miss it!
Aah!
Is this the parking lot?
I think so.
Another death tonight by senior-citizen motorists.
Carl Zorn of Pine Junction was killed instantly
when struck by a vehicle driven by Pete and Lydia Melman,
who were trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet.
This latest tragedy comes only two days
after the accident in Deer Creek,
where three construction workers in a bulldozer
were run down by senior citizen Paul Thom,
who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet.
Public outcry is forcing the DMV to consider
suspending the licenses of all seniors over 70,
though no decision has yet to be made.
Seniors of South Park,
I don't know about you, but I am mad as hell.
Yeah!
I am sick of having my mental condition come into question.
Yeah!
That's right!
We need to let everyone know we're pissed off
and we're not gonna take it anymore.
Hear, hear!
That's right, Pete.
That's right.
Now...
can anybody remember what we're pissed off about?
I remember we're all pissed about something.
That's why we had this meeting,
but I can't for the life of me...
Ooh!
Was it the kids skateboarding on the sidewalks?
No.
Oh, I remember.
They're going to take our licenses away!
Yeah! - That's right!
That's right. They're gonna try and take our licenses away.
And I, for one, am mad as hell.
Me too! - Yeah! That's right!
I'm mad, too.
I am sick of having my mental condition come into question.
So now what are we gonna do about it?
Do about what?
They're gonna take our licenses away.
They are?! They can't do that!
You said it! - You said it!
That's right.
So you know what I think we should do?
I think we should have a senior-citizens meeting --
get all the seniors together at the community center and unite!
Great idea, Marvin.
Wait. I-I think we're having that meeting right now.
Oh. Right. This is the meeting.
Right, to get them damn kids
to stop skateboarding on the sidewalks.
Yeah!
That's right! - This will stop 'em.
Sharon, have you seen Dad?
He's not here, hon.
He's having a meeting with all the seniors in town
at the community center.
Oh.
Wait a minute.
If all the seniors in town are at a meeting,
that means that when the meeting gets out...
Every senior in town will be driving home...
At the same time.
Oh my God.
Get inside!
Seniors meeting getting out! Get off the streets!
All right. Great meeting, everyone.
Let's do it again sometime.
So long, everybody.
Goodbye, Lucy. - See you later.
Goodbye, Bill!
Get off the streets!
Old people are driving!
Run! - Run!
Oh my God!
Gerald! Where are the boys?!
We've got to get out of here!
The boys, Gerald! Where are they?!
T-They're...
They're playing street hockey!
Oh my God!
With just 10 seconds to go, the offense makes its move.
Marsh heads for the goal and passes the ball to the poor kid.
The poor kid hands it off to the Jew.
The Jew shoots! Oh!
And the shot is blocked again,
proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey.
It isn't fair. Cartman's fatter than the goal.
I'm not fat. I just have a sweet hockey body.
Get off the streets!
Dude, look.
Get off...the streets!
Get off the streets!
- What is that? - I don't know.
Get off!
Get! Streets! Off the streets!
Dude, is that your dad? - I think so.
Looks like Stan's dad's been hittin' the bottle again.
Streets!
What is he saying? - I can't understand him.
Aah!
Calm down.
We cannot understand you.
Mrph rm!
Oh, Jesus!
Old people!
Come on!
Oh, God! They're coming!
Get over there. Stay low!
Why are they all out driving at the same time?
Shh!
It's okay, boys. They're gone.
Let's just lay low for a minute until we can find --
I don't remember there being a building here.
Run!
I told you to turn left, Larry.
Get up the stairs! Up the stairs!
Come on! Come on!
Aah! There's another one!
Excuse me. Is this Costello Avenue?
In here!
They're not gonna stop until we're all dead!
Quiet! Keep quiet!
Dad, I'm scared.
Just keep your voices down.
We'll stay the night in here.
We'll stay the whole winter if we have to.
I'm not staying the winter in this room.
You just need to tell old people they can't drive anymore.
Stan, it's not that simple!
Just relax while I find the lights.
Here we go.
How the hell did we get up here?
I told you this was the wrong way.
Tom, I'm standing outside of the Department of Motor vehicles,
where senior citizens have until 3:00 p.m.
to hand over their driver's licenses.
The new law was passed just three days
after the night of horror
in which all seniors were out driving at the same time,
causing 14 deaths and $3 million in damage.
All righty. There we go.
Next.
It ain't right what you're doing.
I never had an accident in my life!
That's right. You shouldn't punish all of us.
We're sorry, but this is the only way to be sure.
Next, please.
There we go.
But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store?
Or the pharmacy to buy medicine?
Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home, hmm?
Some of us would rather die!
Well, we can certainly help you with that, too.
We aren't second-class citizens.
That's right.
You can take our licenses, but you'll never take our pride!
Yeah.
Oh, isn't this great, you guys?
Being able to walk the streets now that old people
are confined to their homes, where they belong.
Billy, get in the car.
I need you boys to help me pick up my new Hoveround.
Uh, Grandpa, I don't think you're supposed to be driving.
God damn it, Billy!
You're supposed to listen to your dad, right?
Well, I'm your dad's dad!
And that means you get in this car before I tan all your hides!
Well, look at it this way.
Statistically speaking, we're safer inside a car
with an old person driving than outside.
My God, he's right.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
I shall not walk through the valley of death.
Guys, I don't know if I ever told you this, but...
Well, I love you guys.
Except for you, Kyle.
Okay. All set?
Asshole!
Mrph!
Uh, I think there's a police car behind you, Grandpa.
Huh?
Go around.
Go around, you moron!
Blue Impala, pull your vehicle over.
I believe that's us. Thank God.
Could I see your license, please?
I ain't got one! You peckers took it!
Well, then I'll have to take you to jail.
You just try taking me to jail, scrotum head.
You just try.
Stupid son of a --
God damn it.
I've just got him right here, Mr. Marsh.
Oh, brother.
Well, good job, Dad. Look at you now.
Oh, God damn it, don't you lecture me, you son of a bitch.
You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?
Now my son is gonna talk to me like I'm 12.
We're not treating you like children, Dad, all right?
Now, I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology.
Who needs to apologize, hmm? Who's a sorry-sorry?
Kiss my sagging ass!
Well, fine, I was gonna bail you out,
but maybe you can just sit here and think about what you did.
I won't be sitting here long.
- 've already called the AARP. - What's that?
The American Association of Retired Persons,
the largest political group in the country.
When seniors like me are being discriminated against,
the AARP comes and sets it right.
And you're gonna be sorry when they get here.
And so you see, children, Genghis Khan was a Mongol,
not to be confused with a mongoloid,
like the actor Nicolas Cage.
Okay. Now, who can tell me in what year...
the first film... by the mongoloid...
That's odd.
Those ROTC guys are way off course.
More old people!
The American Association of Retired Persons.
Stay in your seats, children. I'll be right back.
Set up a perimeter. Bring Bravo team to Point Delta.
Bravo team is go.
Move! Move! Move!
Let's go! Let's go!
Uh, can I help you folks find something?
Old people have gone mad!
Contact!
Put your hands up, young man!
Marvin Marsh?
Yes?
I'm Bill Stewart, president of the AARP.
We've come to help the seniors in this town fight back.
Oh. It's nice to meet you, Bill.
Huh?!
We came as fast as we could.
We just had to stop by Country Kitchen Buffet first.
It's the nursing home!
Liberate our comrades!
Let's go! - Get out of there!
There, now, Mr. Johnson.
We can go to the cafeteria
and get you some nice cream corn and toast.
Can I help you?
- Help this.
The revolution is on, brother!
We're taking control of the town!
We are? Well, it's about damn time.
Hey, everyone, we're taking the town.
All right.
Oh.
Seniors? We're taking the town over.
The revolution is on!
Oh, the revolution?
Oh, I better get my other sweater.
Mrs. Ryland, seniors are taking over the town.
Would you like a gun?
Oh, I suppose so.
What the hell is going on?
Shut your piehole and get over there.
Randy, what is this?
Huh?! You are now under the authority of the AARP.
Ha! There you go, Mr. Smart Mouth.
Look at you now!
Dad, what are you doing?
The AARP is going to help us take this town
until we get our licenses back!
Yeah. And we're gonna ask for more money in Medicare, too.
That's right. - Yeah!
Have you all got Alzheimer's?
They're not gonna listen
to a bunch of whacked-out senior citizens.
Huh?!
We'll tell 'em if they don't give us our demands,
we'll start killing hostages.
Right. They're gonna really believe that.
Isn't that a little extreme, Bill?
Huh?! No. We got to be tough.
Just like with those damn Japs.
This is insane, Dad.
You all need to stop right now before more people get hurt.
The time when you can tell me what to do is over, bucky boy.
We 're in charge now.
All right.
We've got control of the mayor's office and the fire station.
Reinforcements have arrived
from the nursing home in Conifer.
Good!
Hell, us senior citizens could take over the entire country.
We've got company.
Attention, seniors.
Lay down your weapons and turn yourselves over.
Mrs. Applegate, show 'em we mean business.
All right.
Ooh!
Aah!
What do you want?
Huh?!
We want our licenses back!
Yeah!
That's right. And we want more money in Medicare!
Yeah!
And we want those damn kids
to stop skateboarding on the sidewalks!
Yeah!
Hey, Dad.
Stan! Boys! You're safe.
Dad, why is everyone letting the old people do this?
Why doesn't somebody stop them?
They've tried to stop them, son,
but the seniors get up so early in the morning,
they get everything done before everyone else is even awake.
They're saying something about taking over the whole country.
Yes.
And now, seeing how early they get up,
I don't see how anyone can stop them.
Wait a minute. You boys!
You get up almost as early as they do.
You can fight them.
Oh, come on, Dad. Can't you guys do it?
No, son. We...like to sleep in.
Two hostages come front and center!
They're coming.
Get out of here before they see you.
Run to the hills and find a way to fight them. Go!
Boys! Avenge me!
All right. Check it out.
Kenny did reconnaissance on the town.
The old people have blockades here and here.
Old ladies are keeping watch in towers around the perimeter.
The leaders, along with my grandpa,
are most likely in the mayor's office.
So our only solution is to cut off their life force.
We can't fight them, Cartman.
No, but we can sneak into town
and shut down their food supply -- here.
Country Kitchen Buffet?
Yeah. You take out Country Kitchen Buffet,
and old people won't know what to do.
That's a retarded idea, Cartman.
Is it? Two years ago they closed the Country Kitchen Buffet
in Steamboat Springs,
and all the old people died of starvation in less than a week.
Yeah. I remember hearing about that.
Even if it could work, how would we go about shutting it down?
I think I have a plan. But we'll have to do it tonight.
We'll start by sneaking into town
cleverly disguised as black people.
At 5:45, Kenny and Kyle split off
and set a diversion on the east side of town.
Meanwhile, Stan and I sneak into the mayor's office
and steal some of the explosives the old people have stashed.
09:00, we rendezvous at the Country Kitchen Buffet,
where we strap the explosives and the timer to Kyle's chest.
We say our tearful goodbyes to Kyle,
and then we send him inside.
Yeah! - All right!
Mrph rm! - I did it!
Yeah, or we just go to Country Kitchen Buffet
and lock it from the inside so the seniors can't get in.
Well, right. Or we do -- do that.
All right, everyone.
Round up your ammunition and get ready to move.
We're taking this war further out!
All right! - Revolution!
Let's go! - Look, Bob.
Uh, I appreciate what the AARP is trying to do for us,
but, uh, all we want is our licenses back.
Huh?! Heck, no!
This is going too well.
We're gonna take the whole country back,
wipe out everyone below the age of 65.
Wipe 'em out? What are you, senile?
Come on, everyone!
It's time to plan phase two!
What the heck?
Huh? What is this?
It's 6:00 a.m. Country Kitchen should be open.
I-It's not open? H-Has to be.
Try a window.
They're blocked from the inside!
No.
No. Let us in! Let us in!
Open the doors!
It's 6:00 a.m.! - It's 6:00 a.m.!
We're hungry!
Open the Country Kitchen Buffet!
You have to let us in!
All right, everyone. Area secure.
Collect their weapons and free the hostages.
That was a great strategy, boys.
You may very well have saved this entire country.
What happened? Is it over?
Everything is fine.
Control of the town is back to you folks.
Country Kitchen. W-What happened?
Sir, what should we do with this one?
It's up to the townspeople.
Well, I think he learned his lesson, huh?
Don't you feel silly now, Dad?
I think somebody owes us all an apology.
Yes, he does.
Oh, stop it, Dad. This is partly your fault.
Huh?
All Grandpa wants is not to be talked to like a child.
I think half of what he was angry about
wasn't what you were doing, but how you were doing it.
That's right.
And, Grandpa, you should be proud
you made it though life to be a senior.
But you should also realize that when you get behind the wheel,
you're a killing machine.
I know.
I guess sometimes us seniors need to know
when to stop driving
so we don't put the responsibility on our families.
Well, I think this has been a real learning experience
for the Marsh family.
People died, but we all grew a little.
Let's just go home.
Sure. I'll drive.
That's our Grandpa.
Dude, I hate my family.