♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪
♪ Timmy, Timmy, liv-a-la, Timmy! ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
Be careful with my baby!
What have we got?
Not sure. Looks like a possible code 56.
Kenny...shut up, Kenny!
You're going to be okay, baby.
Get me 50cc of ketamine stat!
And get something for the kid, too.
Is he going to be okay?
Let the doctor do his work, ma'am.
Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong with him?
I'm afraid he's... running out of time.
Why? What's wrong with him?
It's his time -- It's running out.
Well, what does he need?
He needs to have more time.
What can we do?
Well, I suppose we could try a time transplant.
I'll have to call in a specialist.
It's going to be okay, baby.
We're going to get you more time.
Kenny! God damn you, Kenny!
Hello, there, children.
Chef, Cartman is in the hospital.
They think he might die. - Yeah.
And we don't know whether or not we should care.
Well, what's wrong with him?
Nobody seems to know, but we think
it's because he drank Kenny's soul four weeks ago.
Kenny's ashes were in an urn, and Cartman drank it,
thinking it was chocolate-milk mix.
Children, why didn't you tell me about this sooner?
Like we said, we didn't know whether or not we should care.
Well, you should.
Cartman is your friend, whether you like him or not.
Now, come on! We got to get to that hospital!
He's looking a little better today.
Yes, but his time is still getting weaker.
It will give out soon unless we do something.
Hey, guys! How's it going?
Cartman?
No, that's Kenny.
What the hell are you assholes doing here?
That's Cartman.
Oh, my God!
Eric, how long have you been channeling Kenny?
About a month.
Let's not validate his delusions.
Kenny? Kenny, do you know what you need to get free?
He's gone again.
Ms. Cartman, we need to get Eric to a medium
who can speak with people who have crossed over.
What?! That's preposterous!
What this child needs is a time transplant!
This hospital isn't gonna do any good.
We need to take him to see John Edward.
I've seen that guy.
He has a show where he brings people on
and talks to their dead relatives.
That's right. We have to go see him in New York.
I warn you, Ms. Cartman --
your son's time could give out at any minute.
He needs to be kept here, where his time can be monitored.
What should I do?
I'm playing roulette with my child's life!
Wait. "Hairspray" is showing in New York, isn't it?
Let's go there. - Good.
You children need to come, too.
Eric needs all the support he can get right now.
We're going to New York?
Welcome aboard flight 673 to New York.
We are happy to show you a feature film during the flight.
In a moment, we'll be showing a preview.
Oh, cool! We get to watch a movie?
Awesome.
Rob Schneider was an animal.
Then he was a woman.
And now Rob Schneider is...
...a stapler!
And he's about to find out that being a stapler...
is harder than it looks.
Rob Schneider is... "The Stapler."
Rated PG-13.
Weak. - Weak.
That was Kenny laughing, not me.
This must be the place.
Okay, audience members. Hi.
Welcome to the taping of the show.
It's all general seating in there.
Just remember, Mr. Edward might not hear
from the particular dead person you want to talk to.
So just keep an open mind.
Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure he'll be able to help you.
Ladies and gentlemen, John Edward.
Thank you. Thank you.
All right. Let's get started.
It's coming from over here.
Does the name Mike mean anything to anybody?
I'm getting -- I'm getting Mike. Definitely an "M."
Maybe Matt.
Mike. Matt. M...Mike.
M-Mary.
Mary was my mother!
Okay. Okay. And she -- she's -- she died?
Yes. Y-Yes, she did.
And she's telling me there's something about the money,
that the money is safe -- Is that making sense?
Mm. Not really.
It must be from somewhere else in the audience. Money? Someone?
Uh, over here, please. - We have a dead friend.
Quiet -- Quiet down, boys. It doesn't work that way.
Uh, okay.
I-I'm getting someone now whose name is J...
T... It's an L...
It's an M... It's a K...
Kenny! - Kenny says hi.
Wow!
Okay. Now I'm getting that Kenny died.
We told you that. - And this wasn't a good death.
It was, like, a sad death. It was, like, a --
It was, like, a death that made people sad.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
Oh!
Look, uh, Mr. Edward, can you just ask Kenny
how we can get him out, please? - Doesn't work that way.
Kenny is telling me that you were his best friends
and he's in a safe place.
No, no. He's trapped in Cartman's body.
Ooh. There's somebody with him. Who's Kyle?
I'm Kyle!
Oh, right. And did an older woman pass?
She's asking for Kyle. Maybe a grandma.
Yeah! My grandma! She's here?
She says there was something she asked you to do
and you're not doing it.
She wants you to look for four white doves.
Oh, my God!
Oh, now she's sending me a "P" word.
Maybe it's a "B" or a "H."
My Harry died last year!
Oh, it's coming from over here.
I'm getting all kinds of voices today. Whoo!
Hey, wait a minute, dude.
Okay. Now, Harry. He's telling me...
Oh. Well, he's saying that you two used to do things.
Mm-hmm.
And that those things involved...stuff?
The things did involve stuff! Yes!
Oh! - Oh, wow! Wow!
Oh, man.
I can't believe I got fooled by that asshole.
He seemed better on TV? - Yeah.
They must edit his shows down on television
to only show him getting mostly right answers.
Grandma's watching me. Always watching me.
You don't believe that guy talked to your grandma, do you?
Ah-ba-ba! Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba! - Eric?
It must be his time. I think it's running out!
We've got no choice.
The only people I know now who might be able to help Eric
are my parents.
We'll have to take the next flight to Scotland.
Okay, children. This is your flight back to Colorado.
Your parents are meeting you at the airport in Denver.
We don't get to go to Scotland?
It's too far, and your parents want you back home.
Oh, well. Good luck getting Kenny out of you, fatso.
Thanks, asshole.
Come on. We got to catch our plane.
You children get right on that plane, now!
This is a final boarding announcement
for flight 342 to Denver.
That's us. Come on.
Four white birds! - Huh?
There's four white birds!
This is what Grandma wants!
She wants me to attend Jewleeard.
Dude, you were going to see four white birds eventually.
So is it a coincidence that Grandma did talk to me
about me going to Jewleeard someday?
Yes. Now, come on. Our plane's gonna leave.
I'm not going back. - What?!
I have to join Jewleeard and make Grandma proud.
Tell my parents I'll call them. - Kyle! No! Kyle!
Aw, crap!
Hey. I need to talk to Mr. Edward, please.
He doesn't do private readings.
I'm not here for a reading. I need to ask him something.
All right. Come on in.
Just wait here. I'll go fetch him.
Jesus Christ.
Here he is.
Ladies and gentlemen, John Edward.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey, I need to ask you a big favor.
You did a reading of my best friend,
and, uh, you kind of messed him up.
Oh.
"'The John Edward Show' is not liable for opinions
and materials given for entertainment purposes only."
Look, my friend Kyle won't fly back home to Colorado.
All I need you to do is talk to him
and tell him the whole talking to dead people isn't for real.
Maybe it is for real.
Right. But it's not. It's a trick you do.
I need you to let my friend know that
so he can go on with his life.
People have the right to be skeptical.
I really hear voices in my head.
Yes. We all hear voices in our heads.
It's called intuition.
Get over yourself and tell my friend it's just for fun.
What I do doesn't hurt anybody.
I give people closure and help them cope with life.
No, you give them false hope
and a belief in something that isn't real.
But I'm a psychic.
No, dude. You're a douche.
I'm not a douche!
What if I really believe dead people talk to me?
Then you're a stupid douche.
I think I've had enough of your bullying me.
Get out of my house, or I'll run upstairs,
lock myself in my panic room, and call the police!
I'm 9 years old.
I'm not talking to your friend, and I'm not a douche!
You better get out of my house,
'cause I'm gonna call the police!
You are so a douche!
I'm nominating you for Biggest Douche in the Universe Award,
you douche!
Son of a bitch.
Kenny! Shut up, Kenny!
You shut up, fat-ass!
Hang in there, sweetie. We'll be there soon.
Welcome aboard Scotland air.
Our trip to Edinburgh should take about 12 hours.
Twelve hours?! Jesus Christ!
In the meantime,
we'd like to show you a complimentary film.
Oh, good.
Rob Schneider is a Wall Street executive
with everything going for him.
Only problem is he's about to become...
...a carrot!
I'm a carrot?!
It's 24-carrot comedy.
Rob Schneider is..."A Carrot."
Rated PG-13.
Oh, for the love of Christ -- I want to watch, fat boy!
No, Kenny! It's not funny!
Kyle! Kyle!
Don't try and stop me, Stan. This is what my grandma wants.
I went and saw that John Edward guy.
He's just a big douche.
He's not a douche. He talked to my grandma.
You can't run your life based on what some douchy psychic said.
They all just use a technique called cold reading.
They've used it for hundreds of years
to make people believe them. - Hey. Whoa, now.
John Edward is for real.
No, he's not. - Yeah.
My sister told me he knew our mother's name and when she died.
John Edward? Oh, yeah.
I heard he walked up to a guy on the street
and said his dead father wanted to say happy birthday,
and it was his birthday!
Yeah, kid. How do you explain that?
All right. Look. I'll show you.
I just need a volunteer. How about you?
Oh! Me?
I'm gonna pretend a dead person is talking to me about you.
Okay.
Watch, Kyle.
It's an older man.
Someone very close to you. - My father?
Does this month, November, hold a special significance?
My birthday's in November!
Right. Because he's saying, "Tell her happy birthday."
Oh, my God! - See, Kyle?
I started with something really vague.
I chose "older man" because I'm betting that,
based on this woman's age, her father is most likely dead.
But if her father wasn't dead,
I could still say it was some other older man.
But how'd you know her birthday was in November?
I didn't. I just asked her if November meant anything.
Her father could have died in November,
or Thanksgiving could've been really special for them.
But I go with the birthday and validate it now as if I knew
by saying, "He wishes you a happy birthday."
What else does he say?
Okay. I'll just use an old standard.
He's saying, "The money. Stop worrying about the money."
Oh, my God!
My sister and I have been fighting over his inheritance!
That's amazing. - No, it isn't.
When a father dies, inheritance is usually an issue.
And money is something everyone worries about.
That sounds a little too coincidental.
Yes. There's only one explanation.
This kid can communicate with the dead!
Oh! - Wow!
What?! - I want to talk to my mother.
Can you try to reach my grandfather?
No. Wait!
You have to tell me if my sister is in a good place, okay?
Yeah, help me out, too! - I'm next!
Hey! Get out of my way! - Here. D-Do me!
Kid, how would you like your own talking-to-the-dead show?
Hi, Pop!
Junior! Aw, son, it's good to see you, now.
These are my friends -- the Cartmans.
Well, come on in out of the cold, now!
There's heavy fog on the moors tonight.
Well, look what the cat dragged in, Nelly!
Oh, my baby come home!
Hi, Mama!
Lord, I thought you wasn't coming till 9:00.
Mom, this is my friend Ms. Cartman.
Please call me Liane.
So nice to have you here, Liane.
And is this the children you told us about?
Yeah, Pop. This is Eric.
Well, let's see here.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Yep. There is definitely more than one children in there.
Oh, dear.
Nelly, you best have at it, now.
Oh, Lord, and I just put the roast in the oven, too.
Ain't gonna have no time now to baste it.
Don't nobody blame me.
Woman can't baste no roast
and do everything else at the same time.
I ain't saying the roast is gonna be terrible.
Maybe just a little dry.
But I suppose we can make some extra gravy
to take the dryness out later.
All right, children. Stand up on this chair, now.
Right now? - Yes, right now.
La-kah-ma! Ka-ras-beh-ma!
Come on, now! - Whoa! Whoa! Watch it, lady!
Just stay still, Eric. Mom knows what she's doing.
Come out there, now!
At a very young age,
one young boy learned he had a special gift.
This is "The Other Side."
Okay. Listen to me.
Listen very carefully.
This is a trick that I am doing. Okay? Watch.
All I'm gonna do is say a name
that I'm gonna pick at random, okay?
They want me to acknowledge Pete or Peter.
Yes! Yes! My Peter!
No! Stop clapping!
All I did was pick a random name
and wait for somebody in the audience to give a response.
Now that I see that there is a lone woman crying,
my instinct tells me Peter was her husband.
So I say, "Peter was your husband?"
Yes! Yes! Yes! My husband, Peter!
Oh! - Oh, wow!
Stop it! I didn't do anything!
You knew Peter was dead!
I didn't start by saying, "Peter is dead."
I started by saying, "They want me to acknowledge Peter."
That could've meant Peter was in the audience
or Peter was somebody's friend or Peter had died.
I couldn't be wrong. See?
Now, I can look at this woman and that she's fairly young.
So odds are her husband was fairly young when he died.
So I can say something like,
"I'm getting that Peter's death was very untimely."
Yes, it was.
Oh! - Amazing!
Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy!
Okay. Let's back up.
Not literally!
Lord, come out! Come out, spirit, now!
Come on, now!
In the name of all that is holy,
we demand this spirit be set free!
There we go. We're getting something, now.
Come on out, spirit soul!
Come on out, now! It's safe!
Aah!
Here it comes! The spirit is coming out now.
Ooh. That's the potatoes.
Well, hold on the potatoes two seconds, woman!
The soul's coming out now.
Aah-ga-ga! Aah-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga!
It's almost out.
All right, son. Now bring me the victim child.
The victim child? - Yeah!
You know -- the child that we sacrifice
so we could put Kenny's soul into its body.
Oh, Lord. They didn't bring a victim child.
Where were we gonna find a child to sacrifice?
We weren't gonna ask you where you got it from.
Raba-raba! - God damn it!
The spirit's out, and it don't have nowhere to go!
Oh, Thomas, don't let it get on the curtains!
Rob Schneider derp-da-derp.
Derp-de-derpity-derpy-derp.
Until one day... a-derp-a-derp-a-derp-a-derp.
Derp-de-derp, ta-tittaly-tum!
Oh! Whoa! Whoa!
From the creators of "Der" and "Tum Ta Tittaly Tum Ta Too, "
Rob Schneider is...
"Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb."
Rated PG-13.
Here. Look, Kyle.
I found tons of testimonials on the Internet
saying John Edward has the entire studio wired
to hear what people are talking about before the show
and he pays actors to be plants in the audience.
You're just jealous he's a better psychic than you.
Fine! I give up!
You want to stay in New York, then go ahead!
So, you think you can talk to dead people better than me, huh?
No. I don't think either one of us can.
They told me your show is getting better ratings,
that you're saying I'm a fraud on your show.
You better not ever call me a liar or a fake
or a douche again or else I'll sue you for slander!
I am saying this to you, John Edward.
You are a liar, you are a fake,
and you are the biggest douche ever.
Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope.
How does that make me a douche?!
The big questions in life are tough -- Why are we here?
Where are we from? Where are we going?
But if people believe in asshole douchy liars like you,
we're never gonna find the real answer to those questions.
You aren't just lying,
you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche.
I'm not a douche!
And I challenge you to a psychic showdown!
I'll prove to the world that I'm psychic and you're not!
Fine, douche!
I'm not a douche!
Come on! The soul's in here!
It's panicking now! It's going to the light!
Unfortunately it's the living-room light.
I'll open a window. You try to chase it out, Thomas.
Go on, now, soul, now!
Here, spirit! Come out the window!
I'll give you three-fitty!
Now, don't go offering the soul no three-fitty, woman!
I'm just trying to persuade it. - Well, I know!
But you could at least start at a buck-o-five or something.
Aw, Christmas! There it goes again!
It's heading for the kitchen! Oh, Thomas! The pot roast!
Over here! - Don't let it get in the roast!
Oh. Well.
I guess the child's a pot roast now.
What do we do with it now?
Well, I'll wrap it up with some plastic wrap
so you can take it home with you.
Should last a few months in the freezer.
Hey, I feel a lot better.
Eric! You're okay!
Oh, baby! Your time is back!
This child is clean.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's "Psychic Showdown."
Here are John Edward and Stan Marsh.
Thank you.
All right, asshole.
I know you're here to try to throw me off.
So go ahead -- give me your best shot.
No, I don't want to talk to you.
I want to talk to the audience. - W-Why?
You see, I learned something today.
At first I thought you were all just stupid,
listening to this douche's advice, but now I understand
that you're all here because you're scared.
You're scared of death, and he offers you
some kind of understanding.
You all want to believe in it so much.
I know you do.
You find comfort in the thought that your loved ones
are floating around, trying to talk to you, but think about it.
Is that really what you want -- to just be floating around
after you die, having to talk to this asshole?
We need to recognize this stuff for what it is -- magic tricks.
Because whatever is really going on in life and in death
is much more amazing than this douche.
You're right, Stan!
My grandma isn't floating around,
judging me and watching what I do.
She's dead. Dead and gone forever!
Yeah.
But I do have a special power! I know I do!
There's nothing special about you, dude.
Get over yourself. - God damn it, I'm special!
What the...
Greetings from the Janax galaxy. We seek the great John Edward.
Why, that...that's me!
Sir, it is an honor to meet you.
Well, thank you very much!
No. It can't be.
I am Quagmar,
and this is the intergalactic BDIU Committee.
Mr. Edward, it is my honor to inform you
that you have been nominated for Biggest Douche in the Universe!
What?!
You are the first nominee from the Milky Way galaxy.
Congratulations. - Oh, dude!
If you'll step into our Blavlafrede,
we'll give you a first-class ride to the awards show.
No! Wait! I'm not a douche!
I make people feel good about themselves!
I give people resolution!
Now do you people believe me?
I don't know.
How'd Edward know my father died in March?
God damn it! That was a long flight!
I thought we'd never get out of stinky-ass, smelly Scotland!
It's so good to have you acting like yourself again, sweetie.
Well, come on. We better get Kenny back to his parents.
Wait a minute. Who's got the pot roast?
I thought you got it. - It's still at baggage claim!
Aw, damn it. Come on! We got to find him!
Kenny!
Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor
who seemed to have it all... until one day
- he came across a pot roast...
...and his life changed forever.
Now he's sharing his body with an 8-year-old boy.
And he's about to find out that being 8...
Oh! - ...ain't so great.
Rob Schneider is "Kenny."
Rated PG-13.
Live from the space station Zyed in the Voxlyn galaxy,
it's the Biggest Douche in the Universe Award!
This year's nominees are...
Graglar the Destructor, Andromeda galaxy, planet J-11.
Dormanta unit five, Jalax galaxy, planet Heelym.
Der-r-r-r!
John Edward, Milky Way galaxy, planet Earth.
I'm not a douche!
And finally Ursala the Giant Douche
from the Horsehead nebula, station J-12.
And the winner for Biggest Douche in the Universe is...
It's John Edward, Milky Way galaxy, planet Earth!
Oh, now -- Come on, now!
♪ Here he is ♪
♪ The biggest douche of the universe ♪
♪ In all the galaxies ♪
♪ There's no bigger douche than you ♪
♪ You've reached the top ♪
♪ The pinnacle of douchedom ♪
♪ Good going, douche ♪
♪ Your dreams have come true ♪
A-derp-a-derp-a-derp-a-derp.
Da-derp-dee-derp da-teetley derpee-derpee dumb.