♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headin' on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
This Saturday,
pox presents the musical event of the new millennium.
You all remember playing the recorder in elementary school.
Well, this Saturday, in Oklahoma City,
over 4 million third grade students
from all over the country
will gather in one place, and, at the same time,
play My Country 'Tis Of Thee on their recorders.
It's the largest third grade recorder concert ever!
Special guest conductor, Yoko Ono,
and woodwind virtuoso Kenny G, will lead this fantastic event.
This Saturday at 11:00 Eastern, 10:00 Central...
the world will be watching.
Okay, children, we've still got some time
to practice the song
before we load up the bus and head out for Oklahoma.
Now, come on.
There's gonna be over 4 million third graders
from all over the country there,
and I want to make sure that South Park is the best, okay?
Recorders up.
And-a one, and-a two, and-a...
♪ Of liberty ♪ You're late!
♪ My father-- ♪ What the hell was that?
God damn it, I don't think you children
have been working on your fingering!
That's not true, Mr. Garrison.
Kyle was working on his fingering
with his mom all night long.
Shut up, fat ass!
No, seriously, Kyle's mom says
Kyle's getting really good at fingering.
Shut up, Eric.
There's gonna be 4 million children
playing this song at the same time
on their recorders, and so help me God,
South Park Elementary is not gonna be the only ones
that don't know the song.
Try again!
Recorders up.
And-a one, and-a two, and-a...
Mm-kay, that's sounding great, kids.
Sure, if you like the sound
of a peacock getting its neck broken.
Mm-kay, kids, we have some news.
Uh, there's been a terrible flood in Oklahoma, mm-kay?
So the 4 million recorder children's event
is being moved to Arkansas.
Arkansas?
What's Arkansas? Is that a state?
The trip shouldn't take any longer,
but i'll hand out these updated contact sheets
so that your parents will know where you are, mm-kay?
Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you for a second?
Mm-kay.
Mr. Mackey, I can't go to Arkansas.
Somebody's gonna have to fill in for me.
What? We can't find anybody to fill in for you.
Why can't you go to Arkansas?
Arkansas is where I grew up.
My parents live there.
My...father still lives there.
Well, don't you want to see them?
I haven't seen my father for 23 years.
Uh, perhaps you should sit down, Mr. Garrison, mm-kay?
Mr. Garrison, I know this is very difficult, mm-kay?
But I must ask--
is there a history of sexual abuse in your family?
Some, yes.
There was my uncle, Richard.
He--he molested me.
When was that?
Saturday.
Last--last Saturday.
He's a paraplegic, but it didn't--
Mm-kay, and-- and your father?
He molested you when you were a boy?
Mr. Garrison, I think when we get to Arkansas,
you need to see your father.
You need to face this demon in your closet, mm-kay?
Don't look at me.
I'll go on your bastard trip,
but just don't look at me!
That was pretty cool.
Mm-kay.
Okay, how about this one, Kenny?
Uh-uh.
No? How about this?
Nope. - Hmm, interesting.
Let's see. How about this?
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
We're trying to find "the brown noise".
It's this one pitch, this certain frequency,
that makes people lose bowel control.
What's "lose bowel control"?
That's a scientific term for crapping your pants.
Oh, brother, here we go again.
Cartman, there is not a sound frequency
that makes people crap their pants.
Yes, there is!
The French experimented with it in World War II.
Nuh-uh. - How about this one, Kenny?
Uh-uh.
There is no brown noise, fat boy.
That's nice.
When I find it, I'll just make you crap yourself
so you look like Karen Carpenter.
Who's Karen Carpenter?
Mr. Garrison, are you alright?
Mr. Garrison isn't here right now.
Mm-kay, Mr. Garrison, you're just having a hard time
dealing with the memories of your father's sexual abuse,
so you switched personalities to Mr. Hat, mm-kay?
Oh, good one, Sherlock.
You figure that out all by yourself?
Mm-kay, I think the best thing for Mr. Garrison to do
is to go see his father.
No! No, you moron!
Mr. Garrison can't let the memories in!
Just leave us alone!
Mm-kay, Mr. Hat, you need to let me talk
to Mr. Garrison, mm-kay?
Why would he want to talk to a second-rate,
dopey-ass, elementary school psychologist?
What did you say?
You heard me, jackass.
There's monkeys that make better counselors than you.
Why, you son of a bitch!
Whoa, Mr. Mackey and Mr. Hat are fighting.
I'm gonna kick your ass, mm-kay?
Be quiet back there!
Uh, no!
You may have won this time, Mr. Hat.
Mm-kay, I want everyone to stay together, mm-kay?
Nobody move.
School?
Excuse me?
What school are you from?
Oh, uh, we're from South Park, Colorado.
Alright, South Park school, you go over there
next to the kids from New York.
No, no, don't put the Florida kids in the building.
Hey, look at the freakin' Eskimos
in their little hats and gloves.
Yeah, huh.
Whoa, look at this kid's coat.
Hey, kid, what's the matter?
You a freakin' burn victim or somethin', what?
Who the hell are these guys?
I didn't know they was inviting rednecks to this event.
We're not rednecks.
Yeah, that's Texans, butthole.
Oh, yeah?
Well, you look like a bunch of queefs to me, huh?
You guys, what's a "queef"?
Kenny? - I don't know.
Oh, brother, you guys don't even know
what a queef is, huh?
Of course we know what a queef is, you queef.
Oh, yeah? Well, what is it then?
Uh... - Why, don't you know?
Are all redneck queefs from Colorado
as stupid as yous?
Alright, dick hole--
I need everyone's attention, please.
We will now all be moving in an orderly fashion
to our assigned hotels.
Please follow your group leaders to check in.
Yeah, see ya later, queefs.
I can't find the word "queef" anywhere.
Well, keep looking.
We got to find out what it means
before we see those New Yorker kids again.
Well, let's try the dictionary.
"Queasy, Quebec, queen, quelch,"
no "queef," damn it!
Hey, I found it, you guys! I found it!
You did? What's it mean?
What's it mean? What's it mean?
I told you guys. Here it is, right here,
"the brown noise"!
Ah! - Damn it, Cartman.
"An oscillation of sound
that causes the bowels to loosen."
See, that means crap your pants.
"The brown noise is believed to be 92ȼ
below the lowest octave of E Flat."
What does that mean?
Who cares? Come on.
We have to find out what "queef" means.
Keep reading.
I can do this.
I have to do this.
Hello, Dad.
Oh, hello, Son.
Can I...come in?
Uh, sure, of course.
Your mom's out at Bridge night.
You want a beer or somethin'?
No, I don't think that will solve any of our problems,
though you seem to think it did.
Wh-what?
I have a lot of demons that I need to face, Father.
I need to know some things.
Okay, like what?
Alright, alright, let's just cut right to it.
I’ve come to ask you about the sexual abuse, Dad.
What? - I have to know why.
Right here and now, we're gonna talk about this!
What the hell are you talking about?
I never sexually abused you.
I know.
I want to know why not.
What? - Was it that I was ugly?
Oh, my God!
I wasn't good enough for you, was that it, Dad?
Well...no!
Sure, you could go off
and screw any whore on Ryland Street,
but when it came to your own son, you were just too busy!
alright, everyone, quiet, please.
There are over 4 million of you,
so we must have quiet.
At this time I would like to introduce the woman
who is making this all possible:
Yoko Ono!
...My Country 'Tis Of Thee.
You heard her.
We'll start the rehearsal in a few minutes.
Those New Yorker kids are gonna be here any second,
and we still don't know what queef means.
Well, we can still pretend like we know what it means.
No, they'll catch on.
Hey, wait a minute, I've got a great idea.
Let's make up our own word.
We can make up a word and then use it.
And then they'll act like they know it and we'll bust 'em.
Yeah, that'll make 'em look stupid.
What word could we make up?
How about "finkleroy"?
No, no, not finkleroy.
How 'bout "geebo" or--or "mung"?
Yeah, mung! - Mung's good.
Shh, here they come.
Well, hello there, queefs.
All bundled up nice and warm, are we?
You know what you guys are?
You guys are nothing but mung.
What did you call us?
We're not mung, you're mung.
Oh, so you know what mung means, huh?
Of course we know what mung means.
Yeah, do you think we wouldn't know what mung means?
We busted you.
Yeah. Mung isn't even a word.
We made it up.
You guys are even stupider than I thought.
Mung is so a word.
It is?
Yeah, it is. Uh-huh.
Yeah, mung is the stuff that comes out
when you push down on a pregnant woman's stomach.
Ew! - Oh.
You guys didn't know that?
Come on, guys,
let's get away from these rednecks
before we get redneckasitis or somethin'.
You dumbass, Cartman.
Yeah, next time you make up a word,
don't make up one that already exists!
It's so nice to see you, son.
I'm so proud that you're part
of the Four Million Child Recorder Blow.
Yes, I hope it's okay
if I stay here a few nights, Mother.
I-I have some things
I really need to talk to you about.
About what?
Mother,
did you know that Dad never sexually molested me?
That--that can't be.
He never did, Mom, not once.
That's not true!
Your father loved you...often.
He never did, Mom,
and I think you knew he never did.
No, no, if I knew, I would've made him do it.
You stood by and let it happen.
You saw him come home drunk and then just go right to sleep.
I'm not listening.
Face it, Mother, he never abused me!
Wh-what's going on?
Mother won't hear the truth.
He says you didn't molest him as a child.
I didn't! You knew I didn't.
No! I didn't know.
I'm not listening!
You can't close your eyes forever, Mother.
Mother, wait.
Alright...
We must have...
Imagine sung for the performance tomorrow.
Okay, children,
we need to pay closer attention to the sheet music.
Remember, if you get lost,
just follow along with Mr. Kenny G here.
Hey, that's it, Kenny.
Maybe Kenny G can show us
where 92ȼ below the lowest E Flat is.
Then we'll know the brown noise.
Yeah!
And-a one...
Stop! Stop, stop it!
That was a terrify! That was a horribly!
What am I gonna do?
What the hell is that lady talking about?
I have no idea.
Uh, Mr. Garrison Senior?
Uh, that's me.
Uh, my name is Mr. Mackey.
I'm your school counselor, mm-kay.
What can I do for ya?
I want to talk to you about your son.
I'm his...therapist, mm-kay.
Oh, brother.
Look, I didn't sexually abuse my son when he was younger.
You didn't?
No! He's upset because I didn't molest him.
Oh...hmm.
Well, I guess that's a little different.
A little, yeah.
He thinks if I don't molest him, it means I don't love him.
Well, now, uh, what's he supposed to think, Mr. Garrison?
I mean, look at all the media--
all the magazine ads and television ads
talking about sexual molestation, mm-kay.
He sees all that and assumes that you didn't molest him
because of some flaw in his looks or personality.
I didn't do it because it's wrong.
I know, I know, but I'm afraid this problem
has run very deep through Mr. Garrison's mental state.
I'm worried that if you don't something,
well, it could kill him.
Hold on a second.
Are you actually suggesting
that I have sex with my 41-year-old son?
There comes a time in every father's life
when he must ask himself,
"how far will I go to save my son's life?" Mm-kay?
Well, I won't have sex with him!
Well, I've said all I can say.
I know it's difficult,
but family is about compromises, mm-kay.
Don't lose your son over this, Mr. Garrison.
Don't lose your son.
Mm-kay?
Am I the only sane person left on Earth?
Tomorrow the world will be tuning in
as over 4 million children play My Country 'Tis Of Thee
on their recorders.
It is by far the largest gathering
of little plastic recorders in human history.
Yoko Ono has--
Well, Mom said I could sleep in the guest room tonight.
Good night, Dad.
Good night.
Guess I'll just go on up to bed now.
Uh-huh.
Don't really have any pajamas.
Guess I'll just sleep in my boxers or something.
Should be fine.
Uh, I'll leave the door open a little
in case you need to see me about anything.
Won't be necessary.
I'll just-- just be going up to bed now.
G-guess maybe I won't even wear those boxers.
I'm not going to molest you!
You don't love me!
I want to die!
God damn it!
I wish we could find a way
to get back at those New Yorker kids.
Yeah, they think they're so cool.
You guys!
You guys, we found it! We found it, you guys!
Calm down, Cartman. You found what?
The brown noise!
Kenny and me found the brown noise!
Here, look, look, okay, let's see, okay.
Okay, okay.
Ready, Kenny? - Ready.
Ooh, ooh!
No way. I don't believe it.
I'm seriously, you guys.
Come on, watch.
Okay.
Whoa, oh, my God!
Oh, I crapped my pants!
That's amazing.
I told you guys.
Dude, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
That they should bring back Chicago Hope
for another season? - Totally!
No, that we could use the brown noise
to get back at those asshole New Yorker kids.
Oh! - Yeah, dude.
They should bring back another season
of Chicago Hope though, seriously.
Hey, what's the matter there, Garrison?
You look kind of sad.
Oh, I'm havin' some troubles at home.
Well, come on, tell us about it.
We always help each other out, don't we, fellas?
Yeah! - Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
Alright, it's just that--
I mean, we're all family men here, right?
Sure! - Sure are!
I am, I know that.
Well, can I ask you guys a difficult question?
Absolutely. - Of course.
Come on, Garrison.
Alright, would you have sex with you son
to save his life?
Oh, this is one of them scruples questions,
ain't it?
No, no, I got a better one:
would you have sex with your mother
to save your father's life?
Ooh! - Oh, yeah.
Oh, like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said,
"have sex with your mother, or else I'll shoot him"?
Yeah. - Ooh, that's a tough one.
Hmm...
No, no, wait, uh...you don't understand.
How 'bout if someone made you
have sex with your mother and father
to save your own life?
No!
No way.
But if it was to save my mother's life,
I think I would have to have sex with my father.
Yep. - Me too.
Well, I think that goes without saying.
Actually, I'm just talking about a son.
Well, personally,
I would have sex with my son to save my mother's life.
It depends--how big a gun are we talkin' here?
Uh, he doesn't have a gun.
The father doesn't have a gun?
No! Nobody's got a gun!
I think if someone said
"have sex with your mother,
or else I'm gonna kill your son,"
but he didn't have a gun,
I wouldn't do it.
He could have a knife, though.
Yeah. - Right.
Sure, a knife.
If a killer put a knife to my throat and said,
"have sex with your father
"or else I'm gonna kill your mother
while having sex with you,"
I would have sex with myself.
Yeah, I would. - Uh-huh.
That makes sense.
What's he talking about? What'd he say?
How do we write the note, Cartman?
"Lowest E Flat..."
I think it looks like this.
Alright, now all we do
is wipe out the last note on their sheet music
and change it to the tone Cartman played.
Come on.
There!
That should do it.
Sweet, I can't wait to see 'em crap their pants
in front of everybody, you guys.
Okay, let's get back to the room.
What's this?
Revised music for tomorrow?
Chip, did you get revised music for tomorrow?
What?
Miss Ono has made revisions again.
We've got to get these copied 4 million times
and make the revisions to the projected music.
Come on, hurry!
Dad?
I--I'm just fast asleep, not hearing anything.
Oh! Whoa!
Oh, Dad!
Oh, goodness gracious!
Don't stop, Dad, stop! Well, how could you?
Well, Mom, Dad... I guess I better be going.
The concert's gonna start soon.
Are you sure you can't stay one more night, Son?
No, I think all my work here is done.
Dad, I don't know what to say.
I feel closer to you than I ever have.
Well, I just hope that now we can put the past behind us
and--and try to be a normal family again.
We sure can.
Well, I’ve got a worldwide telecast recorder concert
to get to.
We'll be watching on TV. Make us proud, son.
I will.
Good bye, Mom. Good bye, Dad.
♪ Gray skies are gonna clear up ♪
♪ Put on a happy face ♪
You did the right thing, Papa.
I didn't do squat.
Here you go, a hundred bucks.
Oh, that's okay, keep your money.
Thanks.
Live from Oklahoma City,
4 million third-grade students
from all over the country,
playing My Country 'Tis Of Thee on their recorders.
Fasten your seatbelt.
Dude, I can't wait till those New Yorker kids
play the brown noise and crap their pants.
We have to watch them. We can't miss it.
Are we all ready to play?
Thanks.
Okay, let's see the music.
This is gonna be sweet!
Oh, no, dude, look! It's the music we changed.
Uh-oh.
Dude, if 4 million people
play the brown noise at the same time...
One, two...
No!
Stop, stop!
Aren't those our boys?
Oh, no! What are they doing?
No!
Tom, I'm standing in New York city,
but it could just as well be any town on Earth right now.
The desolation, the damage is exactly the same
in every city the whole world over.
It's been just under 20 hours since everyone on Earth
pooped their pants,
and people still roam their damaged homes
with disbelief and loss.
Rick?
Alan, I'm standing at ground zero.
Here, the damage is greater than anywhere.
Like the rest of the world,
everyone here has crapped their pants.
Some crapped themselves to death,
and still others ruined perfectly good pairs of pants.
A nation mourns and tries to rebuild,
but the big question that remains is:
how did this happen?
Well, I’d say other than making everyone in the world
crap their pants,
our event went over really well.
Really well? Really well?
You're gonna be-- I tell you again.
Alright, come on, everybody.
We've got a long bus ride back to Colorado, mm-kay?
Well, that whole experience sure did suck.
Yeah, but you know, I learned something today.
We were so worried about how cool we looked
to those New Yorker kids that we forgot--
we're already totally cool,
even if we don't know what queef means.
"Queef" is a vaginal expulsion of gas, mm-kay.
Huh?
Here they are. - Yeah!
Oh, brother, let's just get out of here.
Hey, not so fast.
We know it was you guys that changed the music
and made everyone on Earth crap their pants.
Uh...
Yeah, we knows all about it.
Oh, no!
Yeah, me and the guys,
well, we was talkin', and well...
Well, we just want you to know that
we think you're pretty cool.
Huh? - You do?
Sure. I mean, everybody on Earth
shat themselves 'cause of you,
and that's pretty cool.
I mean, that's pretty amazing.
Yeah, we was wrong about you guys.
We're sorry.
Well, that's fine, that's fine.
Next time, just remember that we're all pretty cool
on the West Side, too,
if you know what I'm saying.
Yeah, see you guys later.
Come on, boys, you're holdin' up the bus.
Oh, wow, look, it's Kenny G himself.
Thank you for a wonderful concert, Mr. G.
G-good bye.
Oh, well, thank you.
You know, it's funny, you kiss just like my Dad.
Well, Miss Crabtree, this certainly has been a great trip.
Let's head home.
Which way should we go?
Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning.