♪ I'm going down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
Ready? 1, 2, 3, 4.
Yeah, yeah! Do you like to rock?!
Yeah, I like to rock!
Hello, Baltimore!
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
I'm playing the drum.
Well, you have to hit it softer!
You can't just hit a drum.
You have to beat the shit out of it.
Shut your pie hole, or I'll kick your ass,
you fucking drum!
That's how you rock, dude.
You're not supposed to rock.
You're just supposed to keep the beat.
I am keeping the beat. Your flute playing sucks!
That's it, Cartman. You can't be the drummer.
Hey, I'll get it!
Dude, the Civil War reenactment is tomorrow.
You're not going to get it by tomorrow. - Yes, I will!
Alright, alright. Let's just try again. 1, 2, 3, 4.
Yo! Does Cleveland like to rock?!
Yo! God damn it! Aah!
What?
Give me the drum and you play the flute.
No way! Flutes are totally gay. - Mrph phm rmh?
Cartman, I'm the leader of the reenactment fife-and-drum squad,
and I say you play the flute.
Oh, well, you know what I say?
Screw you guys. I'm going home.
You dick! - Later.
Alrighty, everyone.
We just have a few things to go over
before we head out to the reenactment battlefield.
First of all, I have great news--
there are over 200 folks from around the state
that have come to see this year's reenactment,
and that's the best turnout ever!
Where the hell is Cartman? If he misses the orientation,
they're not gonna let him in the reenactment.
He'll show. - He better!
I'm also very proud to announce that this year's alcohol sponsor
is Jagerminz S'more-Flavored Schnapps,
the schnapps with the delightful taste of S'mores.
Mmmm!
Hey, it does taste like S'mores!
Yeah and it's got quite a kick, too!
And now to clarify how the reenactment should unfold,
let's bring up our master historian,
Grandpa Marvin Marsh!
The only man old enough to have actually seen the Civil War...
Reenactment of 1924.
Wow, dude! Your grandpa still isn't dead?
Dude, that's not cool.
Good morning, gentlemen. - Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
Yeah, you're dressed up like the South.
Yes, this year I've decided to fight for the glorious South.
Screw you guys...home.
And may I say that we're going to whup your ass this time?
You can't just come to a Civil War reenactment
dressed up like General Lee, fat ass.
Oh, really? I'm pretty sure I just did.
Okay, you all know the rules.
You must fire your blanks into the air,
and if someone says they killed you,
you gotta play dead.
The South loses this battle, Cartman.
They lose the war.
Nuh-uh. The South is gonna win.
No, they're not, stupid.
Yes, we are!
How much you want to bet?
Now, remember, everybody,
for a good reenactment,
we've got to pretend down to the last detail
that we're really in the Civil War.
So, when the North wins,
all of us on the Confederate side
should act all bummed and depressed...
How much you want to bet the South doesn't win?
Well, this war's about slavery,
so how about if the South wins,
you two assholes have to be my slaves for a month?
And if the North wins, you're our slave for a month?
Right! - You're on!
Then I shall bid you good morning, gentlemen,
and see you on the battlefield.
What a dumbass!
Yeah, he doesn't even know that the South
loses the Civil War.
It's gonna be rad having Cartman be our slave.
And with that, let's all head to Tamarack Hill
and put on a good show!
Yeah!
Welcome to the South Park Reenactment of
the Battle of Tamarack Hill.
The men in gray are the Confederacy from the South.
In the blue, the Union from the North.
It was a cold morning in 1862.
The Union army had to get the Bell of Appomattox
down from Tamarack Hill.
What ensued was a bloody battle,
but after many hours, the Union army prevailed.
Here now is the reenactment of that great battle.
Forward!
Let's bring those Confederate bastards down!
Fire!
Alright, men, fire!
Hey, I shot you, Ned. You have to fall down.
Ow.
Yeah!
Wow, so this is what it was like.
Hey, what's that guy doing?
Whee-hee! Long live the Confederacy!
Huh?
What the hell?
Hey, he took the bell!
He can't do that!
The Confederacy doesn't take the bell!
Hooray for the South!
Cartman, you can't do that!
God damn it, now we have to start over.
Alrighty, everyone.
We're going to do the entire reenactment again
because of some confusion over the bell.
Now, I know you're just trying to help, Eric,
but we have to let the Union army capture the bell this time.
But why? Why should they get the bell?
Well...'cause we're supposed to lose.
But we don't have to lose. - What?
Gentlemen, we can win this battle.
Sure, we could lose,
and tonight we could go back to our families
and say, "we did it. We lost like we were supposed to.
Aren't we proud?"
Or...or we take that hill,
we take that hill, and when we stand tall upon it,
we hold our heads high, and we yell,
"Not this year!
This year belongs to the Confederacy!"
By God, he's right! - Jimbo!
No, I've been reenacting this war for 22 years now.
And for 22 years, us Confederate reenactors
have had to spend the evening being ridiculed and made fun of
by the Union reenactors.
Well, I'm sick of it!
Yeah, why do we have to be their bitches
every year?
I'm tired of losing this battle.
And I say it's high time we kicked some ass!
Who's with me?
Yeah!
Alright, folks, sorry for the false start.
We're ready to go again.
It was a cold morning in 1862.
The Union army had--
What the hell?
You're not gonna live to see another day!
Uh, what are they doing?
You yankee sons of bitches!
Ow! That hurt!
Damn it, what the hell are they doing?!
What do we do?
Run for your life, dude!
God bless those men that fight for their freedom.
God bless those men and God bless the Confederacy!
Surrender your men, General!
Jimbo, have you lost your mind?
Surrender your men, General!
Alright, alright, we surrender!
The South wins?
The South wins!
God damn it!
Well, we can all be friends now.
Come on, Randy, have some S'more Schnapps.
I can't be happy. You ruined the reenactment.
Aw, come on, have a little sip.
So, you guys about ready to start being my slaves?
You cheated, Cartman!
Yeah, and it doesn't matter because the bet was
that the South doesn't win the war.
And the South still didn't win the war, dipshit.
Yeah, too bad you're such a dumbass at history,
or you would have known that.
I hate you guys so much...
So very, very much.
And this is not over, not by a long shot.
All I'm saying is that...
I-is that the Confederates
would have just gotten their asses kicked in Topeka.
That ain't true.
The Confederates would have whupped ass in Topeka, too!
Yeah!
You're dreaming!
Perhaps we should take Topeka - Huh?
They mock us in Kansas, soldier.
They think the South is a joke.
They don't respect our authoritah!
They don't?
No, I say we take Topeka.
You know what?
I'll bet we could take Topeka right now
and prove them all wrong!
Huh? - That's right.
Maybe we should do what the Confederates
would have done and march on to Topeka.
I'll bet we could!
I'll bet we could, too!
I'll bet you can't.
What?! Is that a challenge?
I'll bet we can!
I'll bet you can't
because you guys are all pussies!
Pussies? Oh, yeah?
Men, it's time to show the world
what this Confederate army has got!
We're gonna take Topeka, once and for all!
Yeah!
All you men, you may have lost in the Union today,
but join us now and win back your pride!
Yeah!
The Union be damned!
Let's go!
Yeah!
Oh, what was our bet again?
Let's see...
Yes, I remember... if the South wins,
you have to be my slaves for a month!
They're just drunk, Cartman.
As soon as they sober up, they'll stop.
Enjoy your freedom, gentlemen.
Soon you will be my propertah!
Come, Kenny, come fight for us,
and I'll make sure you get
lots of plunder and womens. - Mrph rm!
Good morning, Mrs. Hollis.
Hello, Ralph!
Did you happen to catch that ballgame last night?
I'm afraid I was grading papers pretty late--
What's that noise, officer?
Charge!
Ow!
Freeze, buddy!
These are blanks but they still hurt like hell.
It's ours, it's ours!
We've taken Topeka!
Alright, yank, tell us where you keep
your Jagerminz S'more-Flavored Schnapps!
S-Schnapps?
Uh, I guess it would be at the liquor store.
Where?!
At the liquor store!
Come on, boys!
This is the most bizarre thing I've ever seen!
Excuse me.
Dude, my mom is so pissed at my dad for going to Kansas.
I know but why do they have to take it out on us?
Why do we have to wait around for them to come back?
Here comes the bus.
Butters, are you the only one that came back?
C-Confederate messenger Butters reporting, sir.
I have a message for you from the battlefield. - What battlefield?
Topeka. We're raising all kinds of hell, see?
It's probably the most fun I've had in several months.
W-well, you gonna read your message or not?
"Dear guys...
"words cannot express how much I hate you guys.
"as we fight our way northward into the great unknown,
"only that one thing remains certain,
"that I hate you guys
"with every tired muscle in my Confederate body.
"We have taken Topeka,
"and now I must rally the men onward to Missouri
"because I will not stop until we have won it all
"and you guys are my slaves.
"Because...I hate you guys.
"I hate you guys so very, very much.
Yours, General Cartman Lee."
Damn it, that fat piece of shit.
Dude, what if Cartman really does succeed,
and we really do have to be his slaves?
That would suck so much ass.
We have to stop him, dude.
I'll go get my grandpa. He'll help us.
Where's the Confederate army now, Butters?
Uh, I ain't supposed to tell you that.
If I told you that, w-well, I'd be a...
a no-good yankee son-of-a-bitch.
We'll give you 10 bucks. - Oh,oh...okay.
...And was forced to live off her own feces for several days.
In national news, a frightening radical group from Colorado
is making its way across the southern states of America.
The group is recruiting new members
in each town they pass through and rapidly growing in number.
So authorities have decided to call in the National Guard.
The group seems to be led by military mastermind
and right-wing radical Jimbo Kern,
who is known for his guerrilla fighting and leadership skills.
Gimme some more S'more Schnapps! I'm gonna be sick!
Oh, boy, this is worse than I thought.
Well, come on, Billy,
we gotta make these little peckers stop
before they get themselves killed.
They say we can either fight them or join them.
Well, I'm joining them. Those blanks hurt!
Dad, Dad! Mom wants you to come home!
Not now, Stan. I'm pillaging!
Get over here!
You've got to stop, Dad.
If the South wins, me and Stan have to be Cartman's slaves.
This is a reenactment, Kyle.
My name is Private John Farcastle,
and I have to do what my general tells me.
Hey, there's S'more Schnapps over here!
More Schnapps!
I'm Sergeant Larson of the National Guard.
We're here to stop the terrorists.
They're not terrorists.
They're just a bunch of drunk wankers from Colorado.
Well, we can't just shoot 'em.
There's innocents and children about.
Dawkins! - Sir!
Fire a warning flare. - Yes, sir!
Medic!
Oops! - Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
You bastards! - Hey!
We can't fire at them, sir.
There are too many children.
Then how do we stop them?
I know how...
but we'll have to wait until dark.
"Dear Ms. McCormick,
"It is with a very heavy heart that I must inform you
"that your son Kenny was killed in battle
"on the morning of November 18th
"at Ruby Hills Funland in Chattanooga.
"This war has taken something from all of us
"and although your son appears
"to be the only casualty so far,
"know that we all share your pain.
"Your son did not die in vain.
"I shall persevere
"and make Stan and Kyle my slaves
"because I hate those guys.
"I hate them so very, very much.
Yours, General Cartman Lee."
There, you see?
We take the S'more Schnapps,
and by morning, they're all gonna want to go home.
Nice thinking, Billy.
Let's go!
Where to next, General?
Where did the Confederates go, son?
Well, I guess to Fort Sumter in South Carolina.
That's where the Civil War really escalated.
Ah, splendid.
Then to Fort Sumter we shall go.
Well, that sounds great.
I'm gonna get some S'more Schnapps.
You want anything?
Yeah, could I get some of those animal cookies?
Those frosted ones with the sprinkles on 'em?
Uh, sure.
What the--
Hey, where's the S'more Schnapps?
We're out of S'more Schnapps?
That can't be!
I guess we drank it all.
Now what?
Now we just wait until morning.
Checkmate, Cartman.
Pretty soon you're gonna be our slave.
Yeah!
Ouch.
Oh, my head.
Where am I?
Ned, I think I can say without any doubt
that that was the longest drinking binge we've ever had.
Oh, oh. My head.
Oh, no, I'm supposed to be at work today.
Me too!
Well, come on, everybody.
We've got to get to the nearest bus station quick.
Where are you going?
We're going home, kid. Come on!
We can't go home. We have to take Fort Sumter!
The only thing we got to do is get home
before our wives leave us.
No.
What about the Confederacy?
What about freedom?
Ha ha. You lose, fat ass!
God, I hate you guys!
Yeah, but, you know,
I think you've learned something today.
You've learned that you can't rewrite history.
You see, history is forever.
And everything happens for a reason.
You can try to change the past,
but usually, you kn-- where are you going?
This isn't over. Oh, no.
Oh, no, not by a long shot.
Oh, I don't believe we came all the way out here.
Yeah, well, I don't think the bus station
is too far from here.
How much do you think a bus ticket back to Colorado
is gonna run?
Hello, I am Suzette, the S'more Schnapps girl.
We are pleased to sponsor you
with all the S'more Schnapps you need.
Uh, I can't drink any more of that stuff.
Me neither.
Uh, come on, guys,
just one little drink.
A toast to how far you came and all that you saw.
Yes, please. Do shots out of my breasts.
Well, I guess one little cheers is in order!
Hey, look, Ned's doing his trick again.
Hey, guys, let's all play a game of grab-ass!
What's grab-ass?
We just run around in circles
and try to grab each other's asses.
Hey, that sounds fun!
I got you!
Oh! Ooh!
Gentlemen, I hate to break up the party,
but I believe we have a fort to take.
You heard the general!
Yeah!
Oh, no!
We'll never stop them now.
Whoo-hoo!
Yes, yes!
Throughout 1861, the Confederate authorities
tried to drive out the Union occupants
of Fort Sumter Peacefully.
But Abraham Lincoln's administration
would not surrender the fort to the Confederates,
so Jefferson Davis decided to take action.
And the Confederates won the fort?
Yes.
Imagine what it must have been like.
You're a Union soldier stationed at this fort.
And one day you look out
and see thousands of Confederates
ready to pounce on you!
Uh...
Take the fort! - Charge!
We got it! The fort is ours!
What was that?
Attention, political activists.
You are on government historical monument property.
Surrender the monument with your hands up.
If you would like a tour of the fort, one can be arranged
through the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce.
Give up, fat ass.
There's over 100 National Guard guys here.
Stuck my ass!
What do we do, general? We're outnumbered!
We ask the state of South Carolina for recruits.
Some reinforcements are bound to show up.
Alright, that does it. Blow the whole thing up.
You can't do that. Our dads are in there!
Sorry, son, we tried it your way.
Now we do it our way.
Prepare the mortar!
Hold it right there.
Wow, look at that!
The entire state of South Carolina showed up.
I knew they would.
Aw, damn it!
We're ready to fight with ya.
Long live the Confederacy!
Yee-haw!
Now our numbers are truly great.
It is time.
It is time to march to Washington, D.C.
Hey, government!
You can't ignore our anguished cries anymore!
You hear that, government?
Oh, boy, this doesn't look good.
It's just like the Million Man March,
except there actually are a million people.
Mr. President, a message for you from the extremists.
"Dear Mr. President...
"there are times when humans can no longer
"endure their government's authoritah.
"You must declare the Confederacy its own nation
"so that we may enter into a new millennium of prosperitah.
"if you do not meet our demands,
"we will be forced to show the videotapes
we have of you with Marisa Tomel."
Oh, dear God!
We have to meet their demands!
What? Sir, there's not that many of them!
As vice president, I think we better give them what they want.
It's just the southern states. Who really needs them?
My hands are tied.
Tell General Lee
that I'll meet him in front of the Capitol.
Sir!
I'm so glad I don't have your job.
Dude, let's just give up now
and accept that we have to be Cartman's slaves.
Damn it, Billy, this isn't about you having to be slaves.
This is about history.
We can't let them change it.
But we've tried everything Grandpa. What else can we do?
Wait a minute, they're all still doing a reenactment.
What we have to do is play into that.
Come on, Billy, you boys need a quick history lesson.
Alright, I'm gonna sign the document
declaring the Confederacy winners of the Civil War.
Hooray!
Boy, we really got the president by the balls.
Good thing you have that videotape
of him and Marisa Tomei.
I don't. I made it up.
Hey, who's that?
Hello, I'm Abraham Lincoln,
President of the United States.
Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis,
President of the Confederacy.
Boy, this just keeps getting weirder, doesn't it?
What the hell are you guys doing?
Hey, general! He's reenacting Jefferson Davis!
You can't talk that way to a superior officer!
Men, I want you all to know
that as President of the Confederacy,
I am hereby surrendering. - What?!
Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I accept your surrender
and agree to your conditions.
You and all the Confederates
will have all the S'more Schnapps
you can drink for a year.
Whoa!
A whole year? - Alright!
Well, I think we got what we wanted.
That's it? I don't have to sign this thing?
Hey, come on, we should take a tour of the Smithsonian
before we head back.
No! We still have to fight!
Lincoln and Davis signed a treaty, General.
The war is over.
Noooo!
It's finally over, Cartman. You lost!
Yeah, and now you can take that stupid beard off!
Owwwwww!
Boys, as President of the United States,
I want to commend you
for stopping the rebel uprising.
Don't touch me.
Well, Cartman, the South lost.
That means you're our slave for a month!
Damn it, damn it. I was so close! Damn it.
The first thing I want you to do for us is--
Wait a minute! I don't have to be your slave! - What?
The North still won the Civil War.
That means slavery is abolished.
He's right, boys. Slavery is illegal and immoral,
partially in thanks to the North winning the Civil War.
Awww!
Oh, to hell with it. Let's just go home.
Thanks a lot, Bill Clinton! Yeah, thanks, dick!