♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪♪
Look, Eric!
Mommy got you a present!
A present-- is it a "Rocket Racer?!"
No, let me guess!
It's a "Frogman Dave" doll!
No wait, I know, it's a "Police Power Chopper"!
No, I got you something that's going to help you
win the big spelling bee tomorrow!
Mom, I'm not gonna win the spelling bee.
I never do.
This year's gonna be different!
Look!
I got you "Hooked on Monkey Fonics"!
What the hell is "Hooked on Monkey Fonics"?
It's a new way to learn how to read and spell,
and it comes with everything you need
to help win that spelling bee!
Wagh!
It says we just put the cassette into a tape player...
Welcome to "Hooked on Monkey Fonics"
Level 1!
I will read the sounds and the monkey will keep the beat.
If your monkey arrived in the box dead
call 1-800-555-4500 to get a new monkey.
Ready? Let's begin!
The learning monkey is here to say,
that reading is easy and it's okay!
Work with the monkey and you will learn,
to spell hard words like "morbid" and "fern".
Start with card 1, ready begin--
C-h, ch-chalk.
C-h,ch-chalk.
Good, Card 2!
T-h, th-there.
T-h,th-there!
Hey, this is easy!!
I'm gonna win the spelling bee for sure, Mom!
Alright, everyone!
Welcome to the 15th annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals!
Woo-hoo!
This should be very interesting.
We have with us 12 of the brightest spellers from South Park Elementary.
Kyle, Kyle, he's our man
if he can't win it, I'm out 50 bucks!
You bet money on my son to win?!
Sure, when it comes to spelling bees,
I always bet on the Jew!
You're going down, bitch.
Shut up, fat ass.
Everyone knows I can spell better than you.
Yeah, well this year I have a secret weapon.
And joining us this year,
are the two home-schooled children,
Rebecca and Mark Cotswolds!
What?!
Home-schooled kids?!
Who the hell are they!?
Hey, that's not fair!
You can't let home-schooled kids
into a public school spelling bee!
What's a home-schooled kid?
I don't know, dude, I've never seen them before.
Go Mark! Go Rebecca!
Our first contestant is Mark Cotswolds from home-school.
Alright, Mark, your word is: "conscientious".
What?! What the fuck does that mean?!
Conscientious... may I have the definition, please?
"Closely attentive to details, careful".
Conscientious--could you use it in a sentence, please.
"Mary's analysis of the spreadsheet was conscientious."
Conscientious... C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-t-i-o-u-s.
Holy crap!
Way to go, Mark, alright!
Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman.
Alright, Eric, here is your word: "chair."
Cha-ir.
Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum!
Come on!
Eric, your word is "chair"!
Uh... definition?
Something you sit on.
Country of origin?
English!
Could you please use it in a sentence?
Oh for Christ's sake, kid, the word is "chair"!
Uh... chair... C-h-a-r-e.
Bzzzt! - Aw, dammit!
How come I get the hard ones?!
Get over here you son-of-a-bitch Fonics Monkey!
Alright, we're down to just three finalists.
First up is Rebecca Cotswalds from home-school.
Alright, Rebecca, here is your word: "litoral."
Litoral... Definition?
"Having to do with a lake or ocean."
Litoral... will you please use it in a sentence?
"Gary was most interested in the litoral features of Michigan."
Litoral... L-i-t-o-r-a-I!
Correct!
Wow...
Alright, Rebecca! Good job honey!
And now we have Kyle Broflofski.
Here we go: "kroxldyphivc."
What?!
"Kroxldyphivc".
Definition?
"Something which has a Kroxldyph-like quality."
Uh... could you use it in a sentence?
Certainly.
"Kroxldyphivc is a hard word to spell."
Kroxldyphivc...
You can do it, kid! You can do it!
Kroxldyphic... C-
Bzzztt! - Dammit!
You little bastard! You cost me 50 bucks!
Why don't you run away and join the circus,
you stupid little son-of-a-bitch!
Aghghgh!
Congratulations, Mark and Rebecca.
You are truly South Park's finest!
Damn, dude, those home-school kids are smart!
Yeah, too bad they have the personalities of a wet dishcloth!
What's your name?
What's in a name?
Wow.
It was nice competing against you boys.
We will have to do it a-gain sometime.
Oh yes, we must do it a-gain.
We've never seen you before,
do you live in the woods or something?
No, I live right over there.
I've lived there all my life.
How come you don't go to school?
Because I'm home-schooled. - What's that?
My parents teach me,
so I stay at home instead of going to school.
You what?
Stay at home-- all day--no school?!
Right.
♪ Who would have thought such a miracle could be ♪
♪ Who could have known that this moment I would see ♪
♪ A new way of living, a chance to be free--♪♪
Shut up, Cartman.
You shut up, butthole.
You shut up, gay wad.
You shut up, ass logger.
Oh my goodness, are you two enemies?
No, we're friends.
Strange, friends would call each other names and fight.
What?
Come, children, let's take our trophies home
and place them high upon the mantle!
Dude, what a bunch of freakin' nerdos.
Papa?
Yes, Mark?
Why can't I go to school with the other boys?
Oh...
Well, because son, public schools are inefficient and dangerous.
But I want to play with the other children.
Oh, how they laugh and play, Papa.
Mark, you have play time.
You get to play in the afternoons.
I just feel like I should go to public school,
if only for a little while.
To see what other little boys are like.
Mark, public schools are no good.
Your mother and I were both home-schooled
and we turned out much better because of it.
Please, Papa, just let me try it for a few days.
Alright, fine, Mark!
You go ahead and go to public school.
You can just find out for yourself
how flawed and treacherous it is!
Hooray!
You don't want to go to public school, too, do you Rebecca?
Oh, heavens no.
Well, thank God for that.
At least my daughter will remain safe!
Oh, hi... is, uh... is Rebecca home?
Yes, she is.
Uh... can I talk to her?
Oh, well... I suppose so.
Rebecca, this little boy wants to see you.
Hello?
Uh... hi.
Hello.
Uh... I just...
Well... that's all.
Who was that?
A little boy wanted to see Rebecca.
Oh no.
I told you the spelling bee was a bad idea!
But the children won,
and they were happy to meet the other children.
Yes, but now I think we may have opened
a Pandora's Box that we can't close!
Okay, children, we have a new student joining us today
from home-school.
Now, his parents are very worried about his safety,
so please don't be too cruel too him.
Mark?
Hey guys, what's up?
Dude, what's wrong with you?
Do you have some kind of John Travolta disease?
Alright, children, let's just try to pretend
there isn't a little boy in a huge plastic hamster ball here
and go on with our studies.
Now, who can tell me when Columbus sailed the seas
and discovered America?
Yes, Mark?
Ay! How come you never pick me?
Because you never know the right answer, butt-for-brains.
Yes, Mark?
The answer is 1492.
However, the Americas had already been discovered
by many before him,
including the Vikings and the Native Americans,
and therefore your question is a charade.
Aw, see, that's what I was gonna say!
Very impressive, Mark.
You should be able to throw the grading curve
and flunk all these little bastards.
Oh God, this kid's gonna last about five seconds
out on the playground.
Now, who can tell me what country Columbus was from?
Put your hand down, cream puff.
That does it!
I do not need to sit here and be ridiculed!
I'm gonna be home-schooled from now on!
You don't wanna be home-schooled, fat ass.
I'm gonna be home-schooled
and leave all the pain and suffering of public school behind me!
Screw you, guys... I'm gonna be home-schooled.
Oh please God, let it be forever.
Come on, Pip, say it, say "please hit me."
But if I say that, you'll hit me!
No, I'm gonna hit you if you don't say it.
If you say "please hit me," I won't hit you.
"Please hit me."
Alright. - Ow!
Alright, let's try this again, Pip...
I don't understand.
You seem to like that boy,
yet hate him at the same time.
Hey, kid, get out of that hamster ball.
Oh, I promised my father I wouldn't.
Oh, boy.
Sorry, dude, you're on your own.
You best do what he says, home-school kid.
Why this is our part of the playground, see,
and if you don't follow our rules,
we're gonna duct-tape ya to a bench.
You mean you would actually duct tape my entire body to a bench?
For what purpose?
Just get out of the hamster ball
or else you're gonna find out!
Have a nice second half of the day, nerdo.
Yeah, why... why, you shouldn't be such a smart mouth
Mr. Know-It-All.
Oh, dear.
Oh, where could he be?!
He should have been home from the public school by now!
I'm sure he's alright.
That must be him!
Aaaaaaaaaaghhh!
Oh my God, son!
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Mark, what have they done to you?!
Well, they duct-taped me to a bench.
But why?!
I don't know, Mother.
It didn't make any sense at all.
Well, you see?!
This is what happens at public schools!
But I want to go back tomorrow, Papa.
What?!
Please, just give me one more day.
What do we do?
Well, if we're going to let him go back...
It looks like I need to have a little talk
with those other boys' fathers!
♪ Everywhere I go I'm thinking of you, Rebecca ♪
♪ I don't know what to do, Rebecca ♪
♪ You're so nice, I'd like to get to know you better ♪
♪ So what do you say we get together ♪
♪ You really are quite good looking, Rebecca ♪
♪ Rebecca, you really are quite good looking ♪
♪ You're a fox ♪
Uh... good evening, gentlemen.
If I could have your attention for a few moments...
My son Mark was beat up in school today, by your sons.
I think it would be appropriate for you to talk with your sons,
and instruct them to no longer tease or bother my boy.
Look, Mr...
Cotswolds.
Mr. Cotswolds, we can't completely control
what our kids do socially.
That's for them to figure out on their own.
Well, obviously they need to be to be coached a little better.
And furthermore, your son has been harassing my little girl.
I would like you to tell him to stop.
Hey, my son is just discovering love.
Maybe your daughter is, too.
They need to know about that stuff.
Oh, hello?!
My girl is eight years old!
What does she need to know about love?!
Well, something.
I mean, you can't just wait until she's a teenager
and expect her to figure out everything all at once.
I will not tell you how to raise your children
and you will not tell me how to raise mine.
You want a beer or something, Catswall?
No, I don't drink beer.
I just like wine coolers.
You what!?
See ya, Cotswolds, thanks for stopping by.
Yeah, see ya.
I can't even get her to understand.
It's like she's from another planet.
Can I sit here with you?
Oh man, if you have to.
Attention students.
Don't forget that this Friday night is
the South Park Elementary "Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance".
We will have a very special band performing so please come early.
Hey, that's it, the dance!
I can ask Rebecca to go to the dance!
Dude what happened to you?!
You're a total wuss now!
Ha ha!
Mrfm frm mrm!
Why do you call Kyle names and laugh at him?
Is he not your friend?
Yeah, dude, but guys just do that.
We rip on each other and stuff.
I see--it's like you have to mark your territory as a boy.
You have to socially find your place.
What?
Enjoying your lunch, nerd-o?
Ah, sticks and stones may break my bones
but words will never harm me!
Oh, dude, you don't say that!
Huh?
Get him!
Boy, that kid's having a hard time adjusting to public school.
Yeah, I wonder how Cartman is doing with his home-schooling.
Uhhh... seriously...
Uhhh...
Hon, are you ready for some math problems?
Oh, not right this second, Mother.
Put them there by the door.
Oh, alright.
Mom...
Yes, hon?
Could you turn up the heat just a little?
Sure, hon.
Uhhhh...
Dude, home-schooling rules!
Yes!
Oh, hello.
Oh! Uh... Rebecca!
There's this dance, see... at the school... and, um--
Hey, would you like to come up to my room?
Huh?
Would you like to come up to my room?
Uh... okay?
I'm sorry, Son, there's nothing we can do to stop those bullies.
We have to pull you out of public school.
Oh, Papa... can I at least go to the dance tomorrow?
Alright, you can go.
But I'll be there to supervise.
Alright...
Mark, where is your sister?
She's upstairs playing doctor with that Kyle boy.
Oh, alright.
What?!
Rebecca?!
Don't play his perverted games!
I have to extirpate a lesion in his cerebral cortex
or risk infection to the synaptic responses.
Uh... alright, Rebecca,
but it's time to start your home-schooling.
Rebecca, there's this dance, see.
The South Park Elementary Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance.
And I was wondering, if you want to go.
Hmmm... alright, I guess I'll go.
You will?!
I guess.
Are you gonna go? Maybe I'll see you there.
No, no... I mean... go with me.
Oh I'm sure Father will give me a ride.
Aaahh..
Ughhhh...
Eric, I got you a new history textbook.
Why don't you come downstairs?
Waaaaghhh... not right now, Mom.
Eric, please, we have to do some studying today.
I am studying, Mom.
I'm learning with the Fonics Monkey.
Mach maaach, mach!
Waaaaghhh....
Hey, fat ass, how's home-schooling going?
Oh, it's so sweet, you guys.
Well get your ass out of bed,
we have to go deal with that home-school kid.
I can't, I'm too tired.
Maybe tomorrow.
But the big dance is tomorrow
and all the guys are going to duct-tape him to a flagpole.
That sounds cool, maybe I'll go to that.
No, Fonics Monkey!
Wach wach waaaaach! - No, Fonics Monkey!
That's a bad Fonics Monkey!
Wach wach waaaach!
Oh my God, Fonics Monkey killed Kenny!
You're damn straight he did.
You got my note?
Of course, you taped it to my dog,
how could I not see it?
Uhh... can we sit down?
Why not?
Isn't Papa's garden beautiful?
He works so hard on it.
Rebecca... don't you ever look at the town?
At that flicker of light over there?
I have looked at it.
Well, that's a public school.
And in it, there are children, just like us.
How can children go to school on a flicker of light?
From public school, your house is just a flicker of light.
Don't you want to go out?
All you do is stay in your house and study.
What else would one do?
Love... for one thing.
And what is love?
Love... Is the most important thing on Earth.
When boys and girls feel love...
they kiss.
What means "kiss"?
When a man and a woman feel love
they put their lips together.
Oh, you mean a mate?
When it is time to increase the herd,
my provider will select one for me.
Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate.
In public school, men and women get together,
make each other happy.
You certainly come from a silly place.
Still, I should like to try this... kiss.
So I could write about it.
How do we do it?
I'm not completely sure.
Should we... look it up?
No, I think its just something you have to try a few times
until you... get it... right.
Mmmm...
Wow!
Wow, that was fun!
Does that--
does that mean you'll go to the dance?
You bet your sweet ass I will!
Alright, here's the plan.
Tomorrow night at the dance,
when none of the chaperones are looking,
you guys go grab Mark, bring him out here
and then we're gonna duct tape him to this flagpole.
Are you sure?
He could be out here all night on the flagpole.
That's the point, buttpipe!
Don't call me a buttpipe, buttpipe!
Well, come on, we gotta go buy us some more duct tape!
Hooray!
Alright, here's the plan:
all we gotta to is volunteer to chaperone the dance tomorrow.
Why do we all wanna chaperone the dance?
Because Cotswolds is gonna be there.
And we he shows up, we all grab him,
bring him out here...
and duct tape him to the flagpole!
The flagpole, that's great!
Come on we gotta buy more duct tape!
Alright!
Dude, we're gonna go duct tape that Mark kid to the bleachers,
you wanna help?
I can't.
I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.
Oh, brother!
Don't you oh brother me!
She's the woman of my dreams!
You suck now, Kyle.
You suck!
Boys and girls can I have your attention please?
This year we have a very special guest performing
at the South Park Elementary Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance.
He was a musical force in the Seventies and Eighties.
Please welcome... Ronni James Dio!
Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?!
I said... are you ready to rock?!
Uh, sure, I guess.
Then let's hit it!
I know you'll all remember this one.
It's off my first solo album.
The song that you all helped me make number one!
♪ Holy diver ♪
♪ You've been down too long in the midnight sea-- ♪
Hey, there he is, there's the home-school kid!
Come on, let's go duct tape him to the flag pole.
Hey, isn't that the home-school kid's sister?
Hi, guys!
Holy cow!
Hey, baby, come see me later, 'kay?
What the-- damn, baby!
Hey, Kyle, wanna go make out?
Rebecca... you...
Rebecca, what the devil are you doing?!
I'm having fun, Mark!
Oh, goodness!
You're out of control!
You did this to my sister!
Uh... all I did was show her how to--
You made my sister into a slut!
I'll kill you!
Aaaghgh!
You bitch!
I'm gonna whoop your bitch-ass!
Oh my God!
Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!
Yeah, he's a bad-ass!
Alright, alright, that's enough, boys!
I'm not through with you, bitch!
Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark.
Yeah, that was real bad-ass
how you stood up for your sister.
I'd a kicked Kyle's bitch-ass too.
You wanna have grab some cake with me?
No, he's my friend!
He said he'd hang out with me!
They've got to be here somewhere!
Hey, there's Cotswolds!
Come on, let's duct-tape him to the flagpole!
Yeah!
Where are my children?
I'm taking them out of this God-forsaken place!
Calm down, Papa.
Everything is alright.
You see, I've learned something today.
Public schools may be a bit lacking in education,
but it's the main place where children learn
all of their social skills.
You can't teach a child social skills,
they have to learn them themselves,
and the only place to do that is on the playground
in the cafeteria and so on.
Don't you see, Papa?
That's what happened to your daughter.
You tried so hard to keep her from anything sexual,
and now look at her, she's a Goddamned whore, Papa!
Wow, she sure is.
I know letting your kids out into the world is scary.
I know you wish nothing bad would ever happen to us.
But bad things will happen,
and we have to start learning now
how to deal with those things.
Mark... you're absolutely right...
Okay, children, if it's what you want,
you can start going to public school!
Alright!
Nice speech, nerd-o.
Thanks, gay wad.
Now you're getting it!
Well, come on guys, if I'm not mistaken
we still have someone to duct-tape to the flag pole!
Hooray!
What?!
See ya, Papa!
Well, I'm glad we all learned something today, kids.
Now let's dance!
♪ Holy diver ♪
♪ You've been down too long in the midnight sea ♪
♪ Oh what's becoming of me ♪
♪ Like the tiger ♪
♪ You can see his stripes but you know he's clean ♪
♪ Oh, don't you see what I mean ♪
♪ Gotta get away ♪
♪ Holy diver... ♪♪