♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
Okay, children, let's take our seats.
We have something very important to discuss.
Due to recent events around the country
I have been instructed to teach you all about
sexual harassment in school.
About what?
Now, does anybody know what "sexual harassment" means?
Yes, Eric?
When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend,
and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.
No Eric, that's not what I'm talking about!
The school board has sent over a special guest
to teach us all about sexual harassment in schools.
Please welcome Peetie, the Sexual Harassment Panda.
♪ Who lives in the East 'neath a willer tree ♪
♪ Sexual Harassment Panda ♪
♪ Who explains sexual harassment to you and me? ♪
♪ Sexual Harassment Panda! ♪
♪ Don't say that don't touch there ♪
♪ Don't be nasty says that silly bear ♪
♪ He's gonna tell you what's right and wrong! ♪
♪ Sexual Harassment Panda ♪
Hi, boys and girls!
Say hi to Sexual Harassment Panda!!
Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.
Did you know that when one little panda
pulls on another little panda's underwear...
that's sexual harassment?
That makes me a saaaaad panda.
This is freaking me out, dude.
And when one little panda puts his furry little willy
in another panda's ear...
that makes me a very sad panda.
Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets,
and we're going to go through
each and every sexual harassment law.
Aww!
Article Thirty Six: Section Nineteen.
"One panda may not make sexual comments
"about another panda's appearance.
"if said panda--"
Aw, dude, get me out of here.
I think Sexual Harassment Panda is cool.
You would think that, you little ass-sucker.
What did you call me?
An ass-sucker.
It means you suck ass.
You see an ass, and you suck it.
You're an ass-sucker.
That does it!
I am suing you for sexual harassment!
Uh-oh!
What?
You have sexually harassed me for the last time!
It says right here, that now I can sue you
and take all of your money!
That's right, he can.
No you can't, you little ass-sucker.
Ooh! He did it again!
You all heard him!
"The first party of the first panda
"may sue the second party panda
unless that panda was said panda aforementioned panda."
This is Cartman vs. Marsh, case number 3-4-3-3.
What is your complaint, Mr. Cartman?
Your Honor, my lawyer is just parking the car.
He should be here any second.
Dude, he got a lawyer!?
Sorry I'm late.
Dad?!
Oh, hi Kyle.
Alright, let's move this along, shall we?
Now, Eric Cartman,
you claim that Stan Marsh has sexually harassed you in school.
That is correct, my Honor.
Oh, whatever.
He said talked about having oral sex with my ass.
I called you an ass-sucker!!
Yes, that was it.
I was so upset...
I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day.
And the way his eyes kept looking at me.
Slowly going up and down my body.
Like he was undressing me with his eyes.
What?!
Cartman, you call people names all the time!
As you can see, your Honor,
my client is too upset to continue.
Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say?
What do you mean?
I need to hear your defense.
Uh... I'm eight?
Alright, this seems pretty open and shut.
Stan Marsh under the new sexual harassment in schools law,
I am forced to find you guilty.
Huh!?
Alright, we did it!
Hooray!
Since the defendant is under age and has no monetary resources,
it is the judgement of this court,
that 50 percent of Stan Marsh's belongings
are to be handed over to Eric Cartman immediately.
I have to give him half my stuff?!
Sweet.
Let's see... I want that Climb Criminy game...
And that Power Jim doll...
And, let's see...
Do you really like this remote controlled truck?
Yeah, dude, that's my favorite toy.
Oh, well I'll just take that then...
And what about this?
Is this one of your favorites?
Uh, no, I hate that toy!
Oh, then you don't mind if I take it.
Dammit!
Here you go, as your legal fee,
you can choose between the green choo-choo
or the squishy football.
Hmmm...
Y'know, Eric, I've been thinking...
Uh-huh, that model airplane kit...
Go on.
You know, the people really responsible
for your harassment is the public schools.
Perhaps we should sue them next.
Why should I sue the schools?
Well, because they're the ones that let this harassment go on,
and they have a lot more money.
I think we could get a lot more out of this
than half of Stan's belongings.
Interesting...
Ooh, Stan's asthma inhaler!
I want that!
Answer the question.
Did you know that sexual harassment
was going on in the classroom?
No, I had no friggin' idea.
Mr. Garrison, do you know the definition of sexual harassment?
Of course, and so does Mr. Hat!
We do not tolerate sexual harassment!
You are the witness here, Mr. Garrison, not Mr. Hat.
I'm sorry, toots.
Did you or did you not
hear my client being called an ass-sucker?
Yes.
And you did nothing?
He is a little ass-sucker.
Mr. Garrison, I will remind you that we are in court!
Okay, baby, I'm sorry.
Principal Victoria, were you aware that my client was being harassed at your school?
Well, not any more than any other student.
Oh, so you admit that harassment goes on?!
I don't know!
You don't know?!
You're the principal!!
I can't be around every second!
So it does go on!
Alright, alright I killed him!
I hit him over the head and I cut up the body!
I tried to burn it but it wouldn't burn!
Oh, the smell of it!
I put the legs in garbage bags
and hid the torso under a bridge.
I had to do it!
Aaaggh!!
Oh God!
Principal Victoria, was Eric Cartman called an ass-sucker?
Yes or no?
I believe so, yes.
Last, I'd like to bring up my expert witness,
Sexual Harassment Panda.
♪ Who lives in the east 'neath a willer tree? ♪
♪ Sexual Harassment Panda! ♪
Expert witness, did South Park Elementary
allow sexual harassment to go on?
Well, when one little panda asks another little panda
to perform oral sex... that is sexual harassment.
And who is to blame?
I'm afraid the law states
that the school must be held responsible.
There you have it!
Straight from the horse's mouth!
Panda.
P-Panda's mouth.
After careful review, it is the judgement of this court
that South Park Elementary pays Eric Theodore Cartman
1.3 million dollars in damages.
Alright! We did it, Eric!
♪ Get down, get down and party... ♪
That goes in the master bedroom!
Well Kyle, what do you think of your new house?
It's... big.
Yes, it is big, isn't it.
It is very... big.
Dad, if the school has to pay you and Cartman 1.3 million dollars,
where does that money come from?
Well, Kyle, schools have lots of money.
You see, we all pay taxes,
and part of that tax money goes to public schools.
And it's from that money that we got our 1.3 million.
And you don't see a problem with that?
No, it's a very fragile system that nature has designed.
All things flow into each other.
You're trying to confuse me now, aren't you?
Sort of, yeah.
Okay, children, there's a few changes being made here at school,
but lessons will go on as normal.
Any questions?
Yes, Stan?
Where's our desks?
Right, desks...
Well, a lot of cuts had to be made
since the school's funding is short for lawsuits.
You see, Cartman?!
You see what this has done?!
All I know is I got this sweet digital watch,
and these cool shoes...
I'm telling you guys, suing people kicks ass.
Wow, I wanna sue somebody!
Me too, I wanna get a lawyer!
Yeah!
Well, let's just try to cope with the changes
and do our school work.
Now, I'm going to write a sentence
and I want you to tell me the noun...
Agahaghhh!!
I know, I know. I'm sorry, children
but we can't afford chalk anymore.
I have to write on the chalkboard with this rusty nail.
Anyway, children, in the sentence "the ball is red"
Aaaghhhh!!
Kids?
Are you tired of being harassed at school?
Sick of being called a "homo"?
A "farty pants"?
A "butt...
...face"?
Then call me, Kyle's dad, and I'll help you
close the lid on sexual harassment in school!
After a boy in my class tried to put his tongue in my mouth,
I knew I needed legal help...
Kyle's dad helped me get a 1.6 million dollar settlement
and this bright, new, shiny bicycle!
Thank you, Kyle's dad!
Kyle's dad got me 1.4 million and he can do it for you, too!
Just look at all these beautiful girls!
So call me, Kyle's dad!
Because it's not about money, it's about--
wait, what am I saying, call me!
♪ Kids picking on you ♪
♪ Well, don't be sad ♪
♪ Just sue their asses ♪
♪ With Kyle's dad ♪
Alright, what other cuts do we have to make
to the school budget?
Uh, next we have Tom Morris,
he plays sexual harassment panda at the schools.
Oh, right.
We certainly can't afford him anymore.
I warn you, Mr. Evans, Tom Morris takes his job a little seriously.
Hello sexual harassment cubs!
♪ Who lives in the east 'neath a willer tree? ♪
♪ Sexual Harassment Panda! ♪
Uh, have a seat, Mr. Morris.
Who?
Uh... Sexual Harassment Panda.
Oh, alright!
Mr. Morris, we at the school board have been thinking,
And we've decided that perhaps a panda
isn't the best way to explain sexual harassment to children.
You see, Mr. Morris, we believe that a panda
doesn't really have anything to do with sexual harassment...
at all.
I'm afraid we're just going to have to let you go.
I'm a saaaaaaad panda.
Eric Cartman, it is the judgement of this court
that you sexually harassed Pip Phillip at school.
No way!
I won!
This is ridiculous!
You asked Pip to suck your... You know what.
You must give Pip half your stuff.
And the school must give Pip 1.6 million dollars.
Oh dear God!
Wow, I'm good!
Next!
This girl touched my thigh.
Half her belongings,
school is sued for 2.1 million.
We're ruined!
Next!
Uh, your honor, this young man
commented on the shape of my ass.
Agh!
Half his stuff.
Two million from the school.
Ahh!
Okay, children, let's all take our seats...
We have a lot to learn today.
Okay... uh, Clyde,
Can you tell me when Ulysses S. Grant was president?
Um... - Don't answer that!
Uh, Craig how about you?
Uh-huh... okay...
I refuse to answer on the grounds that
it may incinerate me.
Incriminate.
Okay, children, I'm having a real problem
with you all having lawyers.
It is really disrupting class time.
Uh-huh...ri--oh, oh. I see. Oh, okay. Right.
Kids, what I meant to say is that
I fully condone you all having lawyers
and support your legal recourses in every way.
Now, let's get back to Ulysses S. Grant,
if that's okay with you.
Let's trade sandwiches.
Hello there, children!
Hey, Chef.
How's it going?
Bad.
Well they're about to get worse.
All I can serve you for lunch is lumpy potatoes.
Lumpy potatoes?!
Oh no!
Sorry, children, all my funding's been cut.
Oh my God!
You guys have to do something!
Chef, how can we stop all these sexual ass-ment lawsuits?
I don't know, children.
Why don't you ask your dad?
He's a lawyer, ain't he?
I've tried talking to him,
but he doesn't want the lawsuits to stop.
He's making too much money.
Well, somebody else has got to know all about
this sexual harassment whosafudge!
Hey what about that stupid panda?!
Yeah, Sexual Harassment Panda.
He's the one that started all this!
We have to find him!
Well, I hope you do.
Otherwise, it's lumpy potatoes from here on out.
Noooo!
That's thirty-two more sexual harassment lawsuits
in the past twenty-four hours.
Oh my God!
Looks like we'll have to cut
all counseling and nutrition programs.
The children have started suing adults.
They could sue us next!
Holy smokes, you're right!
Excuse me, we'd like to speak with
Sexual Harassment Panda, please.
Agh!
Please, don't sue us!
Huh?
We'll give you anything you want!
We want Sexual Harassment Panda.
Oh no, uh... we had to let him go.
What?!
Uh, I mean, he left.
Well, where is he?
We don't know, honestly!
I swear it, please! Let us go!
What the hell is wrong with these people?!
Well, your credentials are very impressive,
and you do seem to have a lot of ambition...
But I'm afraid there's no room for you
at our company at this time.
It's because I'm a panda, isn't it?
Well, i-it is because you're a panda, eh--
It's because you're a "Sexual Harassment Panda".
I can't help what I am.
Have you ever heard of a retreat called
the "Island of Misfit Mascots"?
Well, yes... but that place is for loser mascots
that make no sense.
Well, yes, they may be just what you're looking for.
I don't have to sit here and listen to this!
How would you like a big panda punch in your puss?!
As sexual harassment lawsuits increase all over the state,
the mother of all trials is set to begin.
The sexual harassment case of Everyone vs. Everyone begins tomorrow.
No matter what the outcome,
the public schools are sure to lose at least a whopping 30 million dollars.
Representing the side of Everyone,
is Gerald Broflofski, the lawyer from South Park
who plans to make quite a commission.
Representing the side of Everyone Else is...
Gerald Broflofski!
So whatever the outcome,
things look very bright for Kyle's dad.
Personally, I think Kyle's dad is just a whore,
taking advantage of everyone in town and--
this just in: newscaster Kevin McCarty
is being sued by Kyle's dad for slander!
The newscaster has yet to be reached for comment!
Wait--
♪ Some days just seem lonely ♪
♪ Still there don't seem to be no end in sight... ♪♪
Another scotch?
Hey... Panda Bear!
We don't take kindly to your types in here.
Now, calm down, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
No!
I wanna know something from Mr. Panda Bear here.
If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet,
how come you eat bamboo
which is prone to grow only in drier, more arid regions?
Skeeter, I don't want no trouble, now!
It's okay. I get it.
There's no room in the world for pandas.
Well, you don't have to worry about me,
I'm off to the "Island of Misfit Mascots".
Dammit, Skeeter, how come every time a panda bear come in here
you gotta go flappin' your jaw!
Well, what do you think, Kyle?
Dad, don't you think our last new house was big enough?
Well... this one is bigger!
Tomorrow's trial, Everyone vs. Everyone,
is going to make things a lot worse.
We have to stop it.
Kyle, let me explain something to you.
Oh God, here we go.
You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society.
And democrats make sexual harassment laws.
These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace.
And what we can and can't do in the workplace.
Isn't that fascism?
No, because we don't call it fascism.
Do you understand?
Do you?
Just look at how big this house is, Kyle.
Just look at it.
Excuse me.
Yeah, what can I do for you?
Somebody told us they saw a big panda bear in here.
Big panda bear, Big panda bear...
Hey, eight-year-olds!
We don't take kindly to your types in here.
Now calm down, Skeeter, they ain't hurtin' nobody.
No, I wanna know something from
Mr. "I'm Eight Years Old" here,
how come you "types" are always wearin'
them funny padded shirts in the winter?
Coats?
Now, Skeeter, I don't want no trouble.
We don't take kindly to your types 'round here!
Dude, what the hell is going on?
Did you guys see a big panda bear in here or not?
We don't take kindly to panda bears!
Well we don't take kindly to you!
We don't take kindly to folks
that don't take kindly 'round here.
Kids, there was a panda bear in here.
He said something about "The Island of Misfit Mascots".
Where's that?
If I'm not mistaken, it's over near the Jenkin's place.
Come on, we better hurry!
Whoa, look at her!
Hey, beautiful woman!
We don't take kindly to your types 'round here.
Now, Skeeter, she ain't hurtin' nobody!
This is case number 47-G, Everyone vs. Everyone.
Representing the side of everyone is Gerald Broflofski.
Thank you, your Honor.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury...
Everyone has committed a crime here,
and everyone must pay for that crime.
My client, Everyone, has been hurt by this crime
and must be compensated.
"Island of Misfit Mascots Commune."
This must be the place.
Hello there, boys.
Whoa, who are you?
I'm Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm.
Now you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?
Yes.
That can burn your retinas and make you blind.
Thanks a lot, dude.
Oink, oink!
Be sure you run around with scissors,
says Oinky, the Run Around With Scissors Pig!
I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
That's why he's on the Island of Misfit Mascots.
Have you seen any panda bears?
Hmmm...
Hey kids, I'm Jimmy the Don't Hold on to a Large Magnet
While Someone Else Uses a Fan Nearby, Falcon.
What?
Here, watch!
Mprhhh, ahhhhhh!
See?!
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
You bastard!
Hey, there he is!
♪ Who lives in the east 'neath a willer tree? ♪
♪ Sexual Harassment Panda ♪
Dude, are we glad to find you!
You have to come back to South Park, quick!
Why?
Because everyone is suing everyone else
and you're pretty much the cause of it all.
Seems all I do now is cause trouble.
Hello kids, I'm Hoppy
the Don't Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner Ear Badger.
Well. I'll leave now.
Please, Sexual Harassment Panda, people listen to you.
You have to get them to stop suing each other.
But I'm just a panda.
No you're not, dude!
You're a guy in a panda costume!
Hey, I am a real worm, pal!
Okay. Sorry, sorry.
Y-You're a real worm.
T-That's cool, that's cool.
Okay, you are a panda.
But being Sexual Harassment Panda
isn't helping anyone right now.
You used to use your panda powers
to teach people about sexual harassment.
But now you need to teach a new message,
a new message that people will find useful again.
What message?
That people shouldn't sue each other all the time.
You know, you little cubs might just be right.
Yeah.
Okay!
Your Honor, I'd like to make my closing arguments--
Wait!
Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda.
No, he's a whole new panda now, and he's got something to say...
Hello everyone, I'm Peetie the Don't Sue People Panda.
"Don't Sue People Panda"?
Hey, we don't take kindly
to folks that don't sue people 'round here.
Now, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
Listen to me.
When you sue somebody it hurts everyone.
You sue for money,
but where do you think that money comes from?
From the schools, from taxes, from the state... from you.
There's no such thing as free money.
When you sue somebody, you take money away from parks,
and schools and charities and put it in your own pockets.
And that makes me a saaaad panda.
I'm a sad panda, too.
I'm a really sad panda.
I didn't know we were doing all that damage.
This is all that damn lawyer's fault!
Yeah, let's sue the lawyer!
Yeah!
No! Don't you see?
The panda is right!
Boy, what a great message he has.
When you sue people, you just end up causing
a lot of problems for society!
I've really learned something today.
All I could see was the millions of dollars coming to me,
and I didn't care about where the money came from.
Well, I'm no longer doing sexual harassment lawsuits in schools.
They're too vague and too easily corruptible.
Thank you, Sexual Harassment Panda!
Don't Sue People Panda.
Yeah, well, whatever.
So, let's not sue anyone again.
Okay, come on guys,
let's go get some ice cream!
Hooray!
Pandas love ice cream!
Well, seeing as we have no lawyers.
I'm throwing the case out.
Case dismissed!
Hey!
We don't take kindly to cases being dismissed 'round here.
Goddamnit Skeeter, shut the hell up.
Hello, cubs!
I'm "Don't Sue People Panda"
with an important message for you!
Lawsuits damage our society.
I know it's tempting to make money,
but just remember, that money has to come from somewhere.
And usually it ends up hurting a lot of innocent people!
So until next time,
don't let frivolous sexual harassment lawsuits
ruin our schools!
Goodbye now!