♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
The answer is no, Stanley.
But Mom, all the guys are going
to Cartman's grandma's for the weekend.
I'm sorry, Stanley,
I can't let you go all the way to Nebraska
by yourself, it's the holidays.
But all the other guys get to go to Cartman's grandma's.
Why can't I?
I'll leave it up to your father.
It's fine with me.
The answer's no, Stanley!
Now go wash up for supper!
I don't want your lame-ass supper!
You're gonna get it now.
Go to your room, Stanley, right now!
You can't tell me what to do.
I'm eight years old.
I don't need this stupid family anyway.
It's so nice of you to take all the boys with you.
It's my pleasure.
Eric loves his little friends.
Every time I go to my grandma's house
she gives me a present.
You watch, as soon as I walk in the door
she'll hand me a big present
for no reason except that I'm cool.
That's nice, Cartman.
Now, remember, if they have leftover turkey,
put some in a bag and bring it home, okay?
Okay, let's go.
I didn't think you were coming, Stan.
Of course I'm coming, come on, let's hurry.
Good-bye, bubby, be careful.
See you in a couple days, son.
Shotgun, it's my car, I called it first, shotgun!
Kenny, I called shotgun.
Dammit, Kenny, get in the back.
Hey, Kenny, there's a sale on orange jackets over there.
Look, Kenny, there's an elephant parade.
Kenny, Kenny, look, look.
Go get it, go get it!
You poor piece of crap.
- So how far is it to Nebraska? - About six hours.
Oh, my God, what the hell are we gonna do for six hours?
Well, I've got an idea, we could sing.
Yeah, or we could not.
Let's sing that one grandma song, Ma, how does that go?
♪ Over the meadow and through the woods ♪
♪ To grandmother's house we go ♪
♪ The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh ♪
♪ Through the white and wooly snow, oh ♪
♪ Over the meadow and through the woods ♪
♪ To grandmother's house we go ♪
♪ The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh ♪
Please stop. Please stop.
♪ Over the meadow and through the woods ♪
♪ To grandmother's house we go ♪
Ooh, careful hon, these roads are bumpy.
- I guess, damn! - Here we go, kids.
We're crossing the state line into Nebraska.
- This is Nebraska? - What's all that stuff?
Wheat, the building block of your favorite foods
and Nebraska's principal source of economic productivity.
You see, when Nebraska first became...
- We don't care, Mom. - Hey, look!
"See Mr. Hankey at the Mall of Nebraska".
Wow, we have to go, dude.
I thought Mr. Hankey lived in a sewer.
- What's he doing in Nebraska? - I don't know.
Ever since he was in that movie, he got all famous.
Oh, so now everybody wants to meet Mr. Hankey.
- He's a piece of crap. - It doesn't matter.
He'll be most excited to see me.
That shouldn't be a problem.
Eric's grandma's right near the mall.
Cool!
How much further is it to Grandma's house?
I wanna see what kind of presents she got me.
About another hour, hon.
Why does Grandma have to live so far away?
Why don't we just stick her in a nursing home
closer to us so I don't have to drive
six hours to get a goddamn present?!
Now, Eric, let's try to get out of that grumpy mood
before we get to Grandma's.
♪ Over the meadow and through the woods ♪
♪ To grandmother's house we go... ♪
Oh, God.
- Here we are. - Jesus Christ, finally!
Grandma, Grandma, Grandma, Grandma!
Hey, it's little Eric.
- Hi, Grandpa. - Look how big you've gotten.
Hi, Eric. Grandma got you a present.
Sweet, what is it?
It's inside.
Yes, move it!
Hello everyone, happy holidays.
- Hello! - These are Eric's friends.
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.
Boys, let me introduce you to the Cartman family.
- This is Uncle Stinky. - Nice to have you here-ah.
Aunt Lisa, cousin Fred, cousin Alexandra, Fat Bob,
Jimmy, and Great-Grandma Florence.
Come here, Eric,
give your great-grandma some huggies.
No, no, Florence, that's not Eric.
Oh, which one is he then? - The fat one.
He's not fat, he's big-boned. - I'm not fat, I'm big-boned.
That was totally gross.
She smelled like vitamins and pee.
Sick, dude. - Alrighty then.
Let's get to my present, shall we?
Here you go, Eric.
Happy holidays.
Wait a minute,
This isn't a present, it's a shirt!
Yes, I thought that would look really good on you.
Are you telling me that I drove nine hours
through butt-fuck nowhere to get a Goddamn shirt?!
Mom, Grandma's gone senile.
It's time to stick her in a home.
Well, this is what the holidays are about.
Family. - Yeah, right.
Well, what does your family do for the holidays, Stan?
My family's dead.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Stanley.
Dude, your family died? - They're dead to me.
My mom doesn't even know I'm here.
What?
I can't believe I got a stupid shirt.
The holidays are bullcrap.
Here, Kyle, will you hold Great-Grandma's
catheter bag during dinner?
What is this?
Great-Grandmother has a bladder problem.
- This helps her out. - Sick, dude.
Eric, did you say hi to your little cousin Elvin?
Hi, cousin Elvin. - Sweet.
Well, it certainly is nice
we could all gather here-ah for the holidays.
Even Uncle Howard has joined us
live via satellite from the state penitentiary.
Whoa, dude. - You look good, Howard.
No, I don't. - Hi, Howard.
Dude, is he here every year like this?
Yep.
Sweet.
Come on, let's eat already.
They gave me extra bread and water.
Where's your manners, Howard?
We haven't even said grace yet.
Mom, will you do the honors of saying grace?
God damn it, why the hell do I always have to say grace?
If one more person asks me to say grace,
I'll be like...
I'm not saying grace!
And if you ask me again,
I'll kick you square in the nuts.
- Amen. - Amen.
Jesus, dude.
No, Jimmy, this is my pot pie. No, Jimmy, that's a bad Jimmy.
Bad Jimmy.
No, Jimmy, that's Grandpa's pot pie.
No, Jimmy!
Dude, I don't know how long I can stay here.
I know what you mean.
- Ah! - What, dude?
Dude, I was having this horrible nightmare
that we were at this house
and it was filled with Cartmans.
Kyle, we are at a house filled with Cartmans.
Oh... ah!
What was that?
I heard it too.
Whatever it is, it's getting closer.
Ow, what the hell was that for?
I wanted to make sure we're not dreaming.
- Ow! - I wanted to make sure too.
Well you're not dreaming. Hey! Cut the crap.
Dude, it's coming through the window.
Ah! - Ah!
Uncle Howard.
Oh, hey Eric, I didn't think anybody would be down here.
Uncle Howard, what are you doing here?
We thought you were in jail. - Yeah, well, I busted out.
Wow, cool! - Shhh...
We can't let the rest of the family know I'm here.
Okay.
If it's okay, we're just gonna hang out here
for a couple days with you kids.
Who's "we"? You got a turd in your pocket?
Come on up, it's okay.
Another inmate busted out with me.
Don't worry, he's a good guy.
Oh, hi, boys. I'm Charlie, Charlie Manson!
I can't wait to get out among the pigs
and raise some hell.
Alright, Chuck,
but we gotta lay low for a while.
When I stand on the mountain and say do it, it gets done.
And if it don't get done, then I'll move on it.
And that's the last thing in the world you want me to do.
Alright Chuck, just watch some TV or something.
Now back to...
You can't just buy people, Mr. Potter.
You know what you are? You're a little bitch.
That's right, you're a bitch,
and I bet you'd like to suck it, wouldn't you?
Wake up Cartman.
We gotta get to the mall. - What?
We have to go see Mr. Hankey at the mall.
Alright, keep your pants on.
Hey, bring us down some food, alright?
Okay.
Come on, D.
Can somebody drive us to the mall?
Yeah!
Hello, Mr. Hankey is appearing at the mall.
Can somebody please take us?
Uncle Stinky, can you drive us to the mall?
Not now, Eric. Holding! He held him. Where's the flag?
Uncle Stinky, my stupid friends wanna see Mr. Hankey.
You have to take us.
I said no, and I mean no.
Respect my authority.
With only 16 seconds left, the Cornhusker--
We interrupt this broadcast for a news bulletin.
What!
Mass murderer and extremely nasty person
Charles Manson has escaped from prison.
Manson was the man responsible
for seven murders in the late '60s.
Manson has never shown any signs of remorse
for his crime.
If you see Manson, please kick his ass
and smash his fucking face in for me.
And then call the police. And now back to the game.
And they've done it!
They've scored 16 unanswered points in 15 seconds.
Oh, weak!
Eric, I need you to take care
of your cousin Elvin for a while.
I don't want to take care of cousin Elvin!
Won't you do it for Grandma?
Alright, give me $10.
Kickass.
Chuck, can you turn that damn thing down?
Hello, movie house! Hello, burger parlor!
You know what the spirit of Christmas is?
It's another lie from the lying pigs
that consider me the witness--
Okay, Chuck, thank you very much.
- My family sucks ass. - Yeah, they do.
All families suck ass.
Here, we got you some sticky cinnamon buns.
- Wow, sweet. - Hey!
Dude, we have to get to the mall.
You guys, seriously.
What's the matter?
My stupid friends want to go to the mall
to visit Mr. Hankey but nobody would drive us.
- Oh, bummer. - I'll take you.
That's okay, Chuck,
you just keep watching Christmas specials.
Hey, I didn't bust out of prison
to be locked up in somebody's basement.
I want some action.
Good for you, Charlie.
Come on, I'll hotwire your grandpa's car.
Do you really think we should go with this guy?
Stan, don't be such a dumbass. You have to trust people.
Alright boys, keep your heads down.
We're going to the mall.
Hooray!
I just can't believe he would go
without our permission.
Now, Sharon, don't overreact.
Maybe Stan didn't go to Cartman's grandmother's.
Maybe he just ran away or got kidnapped or something.
I hope for his sake you're right.
Hello.
Hello, Ms. Cartman, it's Sharon, Stan's mother.
Did Stanley go up there to Nebraska with you?
Oh, why yes, he did.
I thought you were dead, Sharon.
What?
Stanley told me you had passed on.
I'm glad to see that you're better.
Get the car, Randy, we're going to Nebraska.
Ooh, Stan's in trouble.
Do you see him?
Not yet, I think we still have a ways to go.
I can't wait to see him. He's gonna be so glad we came.
I drove all the way from Montana to see Mr. Hankey.
That's nice, kid.
I knew Mr. Hankey before he was even famous.
How the hell did Mr. Hankey get so popular?
Look at all this Mr. Hankey stuff.
Mr. Hankey kicks ass.
And another thing,
it says Mr. Hankey is also appearing
at the Crossroads Mall.
So?
So how could Mr. Hankey be here
and at another mall at the same time?
Dude, Mr. Hankey has magic powers.
He can do whatever he wants.
How would you like to come with me
to a more secluded part of the mall?
Okay.
I really like that guy.
Oh, looks like you finished your Fudgsicle, Elvin.
God damn it, be quiet, shut up, Elvin!
No, Elvin. Bad Elvin.
Folks need to understand that I am terror.
I am fear, I am...
oh, hey look, another holiday special.
And now back to "The Grinchy Poo"!
The Grinchy Poo went up the chimney
and stuffed the tree up.
But then he heard a coo like the cry of a dove.
It was little Cindy Lou Poo,
who was no more than two.
Mr. Hankey, why?
Why are you taking our Christmas tree?
Why?
That old Grinchy Poo thought up a lie,
and he thought it up quick.
Alright boys, you're next.
Welcome to Mr. Hankey's Happy Lolly Land.
Oh boy, here we go.
Howdy-ho, boys.
Mr. Hankey?
Gosh, you boys smell like flowers.
You're not the real Mr. Hankey.
Sure I am, howdy-ho.
You look a lot bigger than the last time we saw you.
Well, Mr. Hankey has to grow too, you know.
Howdy-ho.
You boys want your picture with Mr. Hankey?
This is not Mr. Hankey, this is a fake!
It's okay kids, I'm real.
Howdy-ho.
Howdy-ho!
Why are you people doing this?
Why would you lie like this? To children?
Look kid, there's Mr. Hankeys like me
in every shopping mall.
There is no real Mr. Hankey.
What? What did you say?
Oh boy, you've done it now.
Behold, here's your false prophet.
Boo!
- Ow! - Get him!
Son of a bitch!
You lied to me, Mother.
You said it was the real Mr. Hankey.
Well, yes, but...
I will not forget this, Mother.
I will not forget this ever.
This is revolution!
Uh-oh, they're rioting again.
And all the Poos down in Pooville
joined hands and they sang.
They sang all the same.
And he himself, the Grinchy Poo,
carved the roast poo.
Wow, man, that's beautiful.
He was evil, but now he's good.
What's happening?
Some kid must have said
it wasn't the real Mr. Hankey again.
Use the tear gas!
I told you guys the holiday season
is nothing but lies and bullcrap.
Well, how was it?
- It was a fake. - Oh, I'm sorry.
Cartman was right,
the holiday season is for idiots.
Where did you go, Uncle Charlie?
I went to a beauty parlor and had my tattoo redone.
- Look. - Oh, that's pretty cool.
Hey, where's Kenny?
Oh, he's around.
Oh, hey Kenny.
Come on, I'll buy you kids an orange smoothie.
Hey, there he is! That's Charlie Manson!
Run for your lives, boys!
Wait... you guys... seriously.
Come back here, God damn it!
Oh, getting away!
Keep your heads down, kids.
Hey, what the hell is wrong with you people?
I can't believe they would put a fake Mr. Hankey in the mall.
If Mr. Hankey ever found out, he'd be so pissed.
We interrupt this program
for a breaking news story.
A high speed car chase is happening right now
on Interstate 3.
We go now to our live Sky-5 helicopter.
Ron, it looks as though the chase
is proceeding west down the interstate.
Oh, that looks a lot like your car, Harold.
We understand that Charles Manson is inside the car
with several hostages, all of whom are children.
My God, what is this world coming to?
Well, we'd like to take a moment to tell you
that this car chase is being brought to you
by Snacky S'mores:
the creamy fun of S'mores in a delightful cookie crunch.
They're gaining on us.
Fudgsicle!
Kickass.
God, I hate the holiday season.
Oh, hello kids, having fun?
Get in the house! - Alrighty then.
Lock the door.
Oh, my God, it's Charlie Manson, wow!
What's going on?
There's a bunch of policemen chasing after us.
Quiet down, we're watching television.
Oh, Phillip, what a festive season.
That's right, Terrance. This is the season for sharing.
The cops are here.
Howard?
How did you get out, son?
Alright Manson, we know you're in there.
Come out peacefully and we'll shoot you.
Tell him we won't shoot him. - Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
Come out peacefully and we won't shoot you.
Oh, look, Police Chief Stevens got a new haircut.
Get down, Ma!
Hey man, don't point a gun at your own mother.
What the hell is wrong with you, Manson?
You're acting all funny.
Everybody just sit down and shut up.
We're not going back to the big house.
Well, Howard, you've done it again.
You ruined Christmas.
This is Robert Pooner reporting live
from Nebraska where escaped convict Charlie Manson
has walled himself up in a house.
We understand there are hostages
and that the situation is critical.
So we would like to remind you all
that this live hostage crisis
is being brought to you by Palmoral sunblock.
Remember, if it isn't Palmoral. you're gonna get cancer.
What's going on here?
We've got a critical situation, ma'am.
Charlie Manson is holding everybody inside hostage.
Is this the Cartman residence?
- Yes, ma'am. - Give me that!
Stanley, this is your mother!
Uh-oh.
What's your mom doing here, dude?
Young man, I have had it.
You have disobeyed me for the last time.
Wow, she's really pissed.
I'm glad I'm not you right now, kid.
What do you have to say for yourself, Stanley?
Sorry.
Still more developments in the Manson hostage crisis.
It appears now that eight-year-old Stan Marsh
is in big, big, trouble.
He apparently disobeyed his parents,
left home without telling them.
And, Tom, his mother is very disappointed with him.
Damn it, what are we gonna do?
Shh, we're watching television.
Wait! Wait!
Hold on.
Over here, over here.
Here comes one...
Hold on, wait, wait.
Come out with your hands up.
Damn it, Dad,
why didn't you put a back door on this house?
Well, there's that old window in the bathroom.
You could probably squeeze through there.
That's it.
We're going out the bathroom window.
Come on, Manson.
But I gotta see what happens. - Come on, damn it.
Well, it was good seeing you all.
Don't move until we're gone, or I'll shoot you dead.
Happy holidays.
Dude, they're gonna kill me.
Alright Manson, this is it.
We're coming in after you.
There's gonna be a lot of bloodshed,
and a lot of innocent people are gonna die.
You've got until 100-marshmallow to come out.
One marshmallow.
Two marshmallow.
Three marshmallow.
Alright, it's open, let's go.
Excuse me, I want to go with you.
Please, I don't want to go back with them.
But Stan, your mother and father are out there.
I know, they've come to punish me.
All they want to do is make me pay
for coming to Nebraska in the first place.
Alright kid, you can come.
Now, let's go.
Stan, I want to talk to you about family.
What? - What?
You see, I had a family once.
At least, I called them my family.
Really they were nothing but a gang of people
I thought were my friends.
After we killed a bunch of people together,
I realized that my real family was who took care of me
and who took the time to care about what I did.
But they don't care about me, they just want to punish me.
If they don't care about you,
would they have driven nine hours to Nebraska?
I guess you're right, Uncle Charlie, thanks.
Now can we go? - No, Howard.
You go ahead. I've got something to say.
Oh, weak!
Folks, I apologize for this whole mess.
I'm going to surrender.
Somebody show the police a white flag.
90 marshmallow, 91 marshmallow...
This is making me hungry for marshmallows.
92 marshmallow.
Look out, he's got a white flag!
Oh, my God!
They killed the little orange coat kid.
You bastards!
They're surrendering.
You're under arrest, buddy.
Alright you, spread 'em.
You're going back to prison to rot, Manson.
- Good, I deserve to. - What?
I can never make it up to the families that I destroyed.
But at least I'll make an example
for anyone else thinking that crime is an answer.
Stop that! - You see, I get it now.
I finally understand what the holidays are all about.
Boys, don't you see?
You can't let things get you down
during the holidays because being happy
is what the holidays are all about.
Charlie's right.
I'm not gonna let some fake Mr. Hankey
spoil my holidays.
I've been such a bastard all these years,
and I finally understand,
and it feels great!
I feel like I'm in my own Christmas special.
You see...
♪ Holidays are that special time ♪
♪ When we laugh and sing and feel warm and cozy ♪
♪ Forget about being angry for a day ♪
♪ Remember how it felt to be a child ♪
♪ Opening presents on Christmas morning ♪
♪ That's the way that we should all feel now ♪
♪ So I say happy, happy, happy, happy ♪
♪ Happy, happy, holiday ♪
♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy ♪
♪ Happy, happy, holiday ♪
♪ Happy Kwanza too ♪
♪ From me to you ♪
Happy holidays, you guys.
- Happy holidays, Bob. - Happy holidays, Chief.
Come on, Manson. You belong in jail.
You're darn right I do.
Well, I guess I'll be going, Mom and Dad.
I hope you can forgive me.
Oh, of course, we forgive you, son.
It was nice of you to pop in for the holidays.
Yes, now, watch that ass in prison, son.
I always do.
See you Eric, thanks for all your help.
See you, Uncle Howard.
Thanks for being such a great role model for me.
Piece of crap.
I hope you can forgive me too, Mom.
Oh Stanley, let's just forget the whole thing
and have a nice holiday back home.
Really?
Sure, we'll punish you after the holidays.
Hooray! Wait, what?
And so Manson is hauled off to jail to rot in his cell.
Everything is back to normal,
and I guess the only thing left to say is,
God bless us, everyone.
And I guess that's what I've learned.
I'm sorry for what I did.
But that doesn't make up for it.
I deserve to be in jail.
All I hope is I don't make mankind lose faith in itself.
Yes, there's murders in the world,
there's rapists and thieves.
But those are the vast minority.
The majority of mankind is made up of caring people
who try every day to do what they think is right.
And that's the spirit of the season.
- What do you think, guys? - It sucks.
Just like all your other books.
Well, good night, you guys.
- Happy holidays. - Shut up!
What was that? What the...
Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson!
♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪
♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪
♪ Peace on earth and mercy mild ♪
♪ God and sinners reconciled ♪
♪ Joyful all ye nations rise ♪
♪ Join the triumph of the skies ♪
♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.