Hello, everyone. I'm Matt Stone.
And I'm Trey Parker. And we're...
Cooking bacon!
And here to help us is our old pal, Macon.
Say hi, Macon.
- Well, today's dish is called Northern Wyoming Bacon Loaf.
Ooh.
Sounds good, huh?
To make it, you will need three pounds of cooked bacon,
two eggs, one cup of cheese soup,
and another pound of cooked bacon.
We've already started cooking the bacon.
Ooh, smell that bacon. - Mm.
Macon's going crazy.
All right, hold on, hold on.
Macon loves Bacon.
What's that? Do you want it, do you want it?
Do you want it? Yeah, that's a buddy.
Have more bacon, yeah.
Now, once the bacon is cooked, we're ready
for the food processor. - That's right.
We're gonna put all the ingredients
in the food processor.
Get this grease off here.
Eggs, some bacon, more bacon, and mix.
Whoa, Macon, want some more bacon?
While we're waiting for that, let's watch
our favorite episode of "South Park."
It's called "Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls."
- That's right--you see, Matt and I have been
several times to the Sundance Film Festival
in Utah, and we think it totally sucks ass,
so we decided to have Robert Redford
bring his little festival to "South Park."
- Apparently Mr. Redford doesn't like us too much
because of this episode.
Maybe that's because we have him drowning in shit.
- Well, who cares? He's old.
Now I'm gonna put this dish in the oven at 450 degrees.
- You all sit back, relax, and enjoy "Chef's Chocolate
Salty Balls," and, when we return,
Northern Wyoming Bacon Loaf.
♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
- Why do we hold the Sundance Film Festival here, Phyllis?
It's so painfully crowded.
Because, people from LA love to come
to a quaint little mountain town for a few days,
and this gives them an excuse.
No, this used to be a quaint little mountain town.
Now look at it! Sushi restaurants,
upscale clothes stores, $25 parking, Liam Neeson.
I tell you Phyllis, I think we've tapped
this town's resources out. We must move the festival
to another small mountain town and begin again.
That's not a bad idea.
But where?
Whoa.
Okay, children,
I have some very exciting news for you.
Why don't you tell them, Mr. Twig?
That's right, Mr. Garrison!
The first annual South Park Film Festival begins today.
Wow, cool. - They're not gonna show
that stupid-ass Godzilla movie again, are they?
No, no, Kyle. These are independent films.
Oh, like "Independence Day"? That sucked ass too.
Nah, dude, independent films
are those black and white hippie movies.
They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
No, they're not!
Independent films are produced outside the Hollywood system.
They're movies without all the glitz and glamour
of Hollywood.
Well, you show me one independent film
that isn't about gay cowboys eating pudding.
Once again, you have no idea
what you're talking about, fat-ass!
I'm not fat! I just haven't grown into
my body yet, you skinny bitch!
Eric, if you call Wendy a bitch one more time,
I'm sending you to the Principal's office.
Bitch. - That's it, Eric, you--!
I'm going.
Anyway, children, I want you all to see
at least one independent film at the festival and then
write a paper about it.
The first film showing is called "Witness to Denial"
and is a sexual exploration piece about two women in love.
Aw, my Uncle Jimbo has a ton of those movies
in his dresser drawer.
No, no, I wanna shoot the script next month
with Demi Moore attached.
Well, you tell Spielberg he can kiss my ass.
Wow, look at this, Johnson.
Traffic jams at every intersection,
hordes of people pushing their way through the crowds--
it's almost like we're a real city.
I can't believe I got sent to the Principal's office
because of your stupid girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend.
Sick, Kenny. - Damn, dude.
Look at all these people. - I'm late for a screening.
I'll call you from the theater.
All this for a bunch of stupid movies?
Hello there, children.
Hey, Chef.
Whatcha doing? - Children, this whole film
festival thing has quite lucrative
monetary possibilities.
And I'm gonna sell some of my famous cookies
to these Hollywood types and make a mint.
What kind of cookies? - Calm down, tubby.
They're little cookies with fudge in the middle,
and I call them Fudge 'Ems. - I want a Fudge 'Em.
I can just see the commercial now.
Wife got you down? Boss making you angry?
Kids yelling at you? Well, Fudge 'Em!
Cool. - And I've also got
my double chocolate cookies, Fudge This.
Oh, look, one of the natives is selling local food wares.
How quaint. - This is why I come
to these things--to get away from LA and become one
with a more simple culture. - Well, perhaps you'd like
to try my low-calorie cookies Go Fudge Yourself.
Or my all-natural I Don't Really Give A Flying Fudge.
Ooh, do you have any tofu or steamed celery?
Huh? - I would kill for some
couscous right now. - Whose goose?
Uh, never mind. We brought some food
from the natural market in LA. - Cute sign though.
Stan, I have two tickets for the opening film
of the festival. Would you like to come with me?
Shut up, Cartman. Sure I do.
I mean, since we have to write a paper on a film anyway.
She'll be the death of him, Kyle.
Mark my words. She'll be the death of him.
If she holds his hand in that theater, it'll be all over.
Get 'em while they're hot. My all-new cookies,
I Just Went and Fudged Your Momma.
Jesus, he sure ran that one into the ground.
When's this thing start? I hope there's
some good previews. - Stan, film festival movies
don't usually have previews before them.
- They what?
Who are you to judge my womanly soul?
The goddess flames that burn in my memory aren't dark.
Dare you call them dark?
Here lies the goddess truth of my body.
Oh, brother.
- The goddess that cries, "Freedom, here is the goddess
truth of my womanly being."
You are my blossom, my flame.
When we make love, it's like the sun
is right outside the door.
Then make love to me, right now.
Dude, dude! - Shh!
♪ I can see clearly now the rain is gone ♪
♪ I can see all obstacles in my way ♪
Bubula, you need to get to bed--it's late!
I'm poopies, Ma!
Well, hurry up!
♪ Gone are the dark clouds... ♪
Could it be?
Howdy-ho!
Mr. Hankey? Mr. Hankey, is that you?
Hello?
I'm here live in South Park, Colorado where citizens
of Los Angeles are arriving in droves for the town's
first annual film festival.
This is just a small, quiet mountain community
where nothing out of the ordinary ever really
happens, except for the occasional
complete destruction of the entire town,
and so the excitement level is naturally very high.
Right now, the townspeople are anxiously awaiting
the arrival of some of Hollywood's top celebrities.
- It was him, dude! I tell you,
it was Mr. Hankey.
Wait, I thought Mr. Hankey only came at Christmastime.
Well, I'm sure it was him. - Look, look,
here comes somebody? - I wonder who it could be.
Move aside, I can't see! - Oh, move your head.
Ladies and gentleman, TV's Fred Savage!
Well, I'm sure a real person will show up soon.
So how was that movie last night, dude?
Oh, dude, you don't even want to know.
It had a bunch of gay cowboys eating pudding, huh?
Yeah, pretty much. - Yeah.
That theater sucks though.
They need to get a bigger screen.
They should project the movies on Cartman's ass.
Hey! - Yeah, but that'd be
like IMAX.
Okay, that's enough fat-ass jokes for this week.
Okay, that does it.
Screw you guys--I'm going home.
Well?
I'm gonna. Just give me a minute.
This is perfect.
Why didn't we think of it sooner?
This town still has some charm left,
not the mess we turned Park City into.
Forgive me for being observant,
but won't we just end up doing the same thing to this town?
Yes, and the town after, and the town after that.
Like termites, we will move this film festival from town
to town until we have used it up and then move on
until every quiet mountain town is like Los Angeles.
Why? Why would we do such a thing?
Because we have to live in LA, and, if we can't live
in quiet, simply, peaceful mountain towns,
then nobody will.
Wait, wait, zoom in to a close-up on my face
when I do that, ready?
The nobody will!
That's it.
- Children, I'm glad you're here.
I want you to check out my new confectioneries.
I think they're gonna sell right through the roof.
I call them Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls.
Are they good? - Try 'em.
Hey, these are good. - Yeah, I love
your salty chocolate balls, Chef.
- There it is again. - There's what again?
It's Mr. Hankey.
I think he's in some kind of trouble.
Dude, how do you tell if a piece of poo is in trouble?
Where does that grille go? - To the sewer, dude.
Of course, the sewer! That must be where he is.
Come on. Come on!
♪ Say, everybody, have you seen my balls? ♪
♪ They're big and salty and brown ♪
♪ If you ever need a quick pick me up ♪
♪ Just stick my balls in your mouth ♪
♪ Ooh, suck on my chocolate salty balls ♪
♪ Put 'em in your mouth, put 'em in your mouth ♪
♪ And suck 'em and suck 'em ♪
Aw, man, it smells like ass down here.
Of course it smells like ass, retard.
It's a sewer.
What was that?
Aw, man, let's get out of here.
We can't, dude. Not until we find
Mr. Hankey.
What the hell? - Mr. Garrison?
Oh, hello, children. - What are you doing
down in the sewer with a bunch of snorkel stuff on?
Oh, I was just hanging out. - In a sewer.
Children, do you know how to file a police report?
No.
Good--see you in school.
This is ridiculous.
What the hell are we, the Goonies?
Yeah, we're the Goonies, Cartman.
Why don't you pretend like you're the fat kid?
Okay, that does it.
Screw you guys--I'm--
- Howdy-ho!
Mr. Hankey! - Howdy-ho, boys.
I told you guys he'd be here. - Gosh, look at you.
You're all growing up so fast. - Hi, Mr. Hankey.
Nice to see you. - Have y'all been brushing
behind your teeth?
Yes.
And using dental floss?
Yes.
And washing behind your ears?
Yes. - Yes.
No.
What's the matter, Mr. Hankey?
Are you sick? - Oh, I've just got
a little cold is all. All these new people
in South Park are stressful on my home.
- What do you mean? - Well, you see, boys,
the sewer's a fragile ecosystem.
Oh, my God. - These new folks in town
eat nothing but couscous, tofu, and raw vegetables,
and it's destroying my environment.
And that's why you got a cold?
That's why, Kyle. That's why.
Well, why don't you just ask them to leave?
There's only one time of year I can come to the surface,
and that's Christmastime.
That's why I need you boys to go for me.
Don't worry, Mr. Hankey.
We'll go tell everyone. Come on, guys.
Don't forget to change your sheets once a week.
So without further ado, we will begin
this amazing film.
It's a work of blood, sweat, and tears.
- Wait, stop, could I have your attention, please?
- Is that Leonardo DiCaprio?
Ahh! - No, no, wait, that's not him.
Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend Mr. Hankey
is getting sick because South Park has become
overcrowded with people who eat health food.
Excuse me, little boy. What's a Mr. Hankey?
- He's a talking piece of poo that lives in the sewer,
but now he's getting sick because his ecosystem
is all out of whack because of all the extra poo in the sewer.
If you don't all leave and go home soon,
Mr. Hankey's gonna die.
He's one of my best friends in the whole wide world,
and--and I don't want him to die.
What a great story. It has everything.
This could be the next "Free Willy."
Great pitch, son, how much do you want for it?
Huh? - Does it have to be
a talking piece of poo?
It could be a crime-fighting rabbit or a loveable turtle.
This could be a great summer movie.
Can we put a monkey in it? - "The Mr. Hankey Story."
Is Harrison Ford available for a fall pic?
Keanu Reeves. - Matt Damon.
- Fred Savage.
- I'd pay a million for this story.
I'll pay two. - 2.89!
Dude, no one even listened to me.
You know, it does sound like a pretty sweet movie.
I take it you're part owner of this whole
Mr. Hooey story, right? - Huh?
Uh, yeah, I guess. - I want you to do a big money
deal with me. - All of us?
- Well, I can see that you're the real brains of the group.
You don't really need those guys, do you?
Yeah, screw those guys. I don't even like them.
That's great, kid. Let's make a deal.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all
for making the first annual South Park Film Festival
a success.
We've barely even started, and already the festival
has seen more attendance than last year's Sundance festival.
And I'm very pleased to announce that, in honor
of the South Park people who have welcomed us,
we are going to build a Hollywood Planet restaurant
right here where this library used to stand.
Can they do that? - They're Hollywood.
They can do anything.
Mr. Hankey?
- Oh, Kyle, howdy--
Well, how did it go?
Is everyone gonna stop pooping in my environment?
- They didn't believe me. They thought I was pitching
a movie. - Oh, I see.
Well, shucks, Kyle. I can't thank you enough
for trying.
We only have one option-- I've gotta take you
to the surface. - I can't.
The sun will dry me out. - It's the only way
to prove to them that you're real.
But I won't last long up above.
Well, you're not gonna last down here either, Mr. Hankey.
Now come on, I'm not gonna let you die.
All right, just let me get my toothbrush.
Come on, Stan, we're gonna be late for the screening.
- Geez, they made that into a movie already?
Mr. Hankey, I can't go on anymore.
I've lost the fight.
No, I'm not leaving without you.
- We started this together, and we're gonna
finish it together.
I always thought death was something glorious,
but now I know that it's not.
It's going over really well.
People are gonna be knocking my door down to get you.
Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this?
Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a nut sack.
I'll always love you, Mr. Hankey.
Oh, my God, I found a penny. - You bastard.
Okay, Mr. Hankey, we're out.
How are you doing? - It sure is dry up here.
Don't worry--we'll do this quick, okay?
Just hang on, Mr. Hankey, just hang on.
Excuse me, Mr. Film Commissioner,
could I have a word with you? - Make it quick.
Well, the people of my town are a little upset.
I don't think we realized what an impact this festival
would have on our town. - Uh-huh.
Right, so, we were actually wondering if we could call
this whole thing off. - We have contracts.
You try to pull out now, we'll sue your little town
for every penny it's got, but thanks so much
for the hard work.
But this doesn't make sense to me, Marty, okay?
You told me the movie made a lot of money.
Right, two million, minus your agent's fee,
minus your lawyer's fee, minus my fee,
and with publicity and taxes taken out,
you get three dollars.
That's more than most people in your position make.
Trust me. - Serves you right, Cartman.
You're a sell-out. - I'm not a sell-out!
What's a sell-out? - If you work
in the entertainment business and you make money,
you're a sell-out. - It's all gone
to hell, children, and we're all to blame.
Even me. I was selling out my town too.
And now look at it. - So what do we do now?
There's nothing we can do. Just sit here
and suck on my balls. - You guys, we have to hurry!
What? - Come on, everything's gonna
be okay. - Sir, sir!
Not now. - I have to show you something.
I think it will change the way you feel
about your impact here. - What's this?
I want you guys to all meet my friend.
That's great, kid.
A dried out lump of shit-- very compelling.
Okay, folks, let's move. We gotta have that sign
done in time for the opening tonight.
- You can't die, Mr. Hankey, you can't.
Kyle, before I go,
there's something I must tell you.
Come closer.
Closer.
Well, what is it, Mr. Hankey?
There is another Skywalker.
No! - Wait, Kyle.
What is it, Mr. Hankey? - Come closer.
What is it? - Closer.
Yes? - Closer!
One time, when you were sleeping,
I put myself in your mouth and had my friend take a picture.
No!
♪ Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo ♪
♪ He loved me, I loved you ♪
♪ Therefore, vicariously, he loved you ♪
No! - I'm sorry, son.
Let's get him to ICU.
No, no! - Are you gonna be okay, dude?
I'm here for you. - Hi, Stan, ready to go
see another movie? - Okay.
Say, Tom, do you have any pudding left?
I ate all mine up, silly. - Well, then,
now what do we do?
Ew! - Hey!
- Sorry. - Well, why don't we just
explore our sexuality? - Oh, good idea, let's.
Aw, dude, I shouldn't be seeing this.
Aw, is there a problem,
young man? - No problem, dude.
I'll never forget you.
You were my best friend after Stan.
Come on, Kyle, it's time to go.
Chef, does poo go to heaven?
Well, I kind of hope not.
I mean, sure, it does. Here, I'll give him
one of my salty balls to take with him to poo heaven.
Come on, let's go.
Kyle.
Mr. Hankey? - Howdy-ho.
He's back, he's back! - That was delicious.
My salty chocolate balls must have rejuvenated him!
You got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.
You're damn right.
Step on up, get them here.
Mr. Hankey and me t-shirts.
Get them while they last, folks.
Only $14.95.
I'd like one. - I'll take two.
Selling t-shirts kicks ass.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce
on this gala opening of Hollywood Planet South Park
that the festival will be back next year
and the year after that and the year after that and so on.
And now release the curtain.
I give you Hollywood in South Park!
Wait, I brought him! I brought him to show you!
- Oh, not this again. - Behold, Mr. Hankey!
- Howdy-ho!
- Anyway, this new Hollywood Planet
will be the official meeting place--
- Howdy-ho, folks. I'm afraid my buddy Kyle
was right--there's not enough room in South Park
to accommodate a festival. - Mr. Poo,
if you wouldn't mind, we can't hear our chairman.
If you could just turn yourself down.
You're at about seven right now.
We need you at about three, okay?
Uh, folks, please, little towns like this simply
aren't meant for big events.
We love having visitors, but, golly, too many of you
is hurting our ecosystem.
Besides, folks, film festivals shouldn't be about
what celebrities are coming or what film is gonna get shown.
It should be able people getting together
and watching movies and about people who can never
get their movies seen having a chance to have it watched,
if only once.
A good film festival
should be something where we all say, "Aw, let's forget
"about lawyers and agents and studios and celebrities.
"Let's forget all those things
for just a while and just watch some new art."
I have had enough of you!
- No!
Now, as I was saying, this shall usher in
a whole new decade of films.
He's dead! Mr. Hankey's dead!
Well, this worked once before.
Thanks, Chef, your big chocolate balls
are just the trick.
What the hell is he doing? - I don't know.
Wow.
Oh, my God!
Oh, it smells, it smells!
Come on, the poo is coming!
I'm trying, damn it!
Ahh!
Let's get out of this town!
- Phew.
Gosh, I guess I don't know my own strength.
You did it, Mr. Hankey.
You got rid of all the film people.
Hooray.
Oh, yeah, now all we have is a town covered in shit.
This is much better.
I couldn't have done it without you, Kyle.
Kisses.
Stan, I'm sorry I dragged you to all those independent films.
Oh, that's okay, Wendy. I forgive you.
- Sometimes I forget that even though
a few independent films are great,
most of them suck ass.
Yes, and I've learned something too.
Being a sell-out is sweet because you make
a lot of money, and, when you have money,
you don't have to hang out with any poor-ass losers
like you guys.
Screw you guys--I'm going home.
♪ Ooh, suck on my chocolate salty balls ♪
♪ Put 'em in your mouth, put 'em in your mouth ♪
♪ And suck 'em and suck 'em ♪