Wow. What a great episode.
And look, Trey, our bacon is cooked just right--
not too soggy, not too crisp.
Well, I've got the bread and French dressing all prepared.
So we remove the bacon...
like so.
Then we cover sparingly with French dressing...
put on the other slice of bread...
and garnish.
Doesn't that look great?
Mmm. Mmm!
Hey, let's give some to Macon.
Mm-hmm.
Macon likes his with extra bacon.
Here you go, buddy. Yeah!
Wow. Macon's really taken to the bacon if I'm not mistaken.
Well, now it's time to watch our favorite episode
of "South Park"-- it's called "Summer Sucks."
That's right, it's all about that one week in the year
when summer actually comes to South Park
and all the snow melts.
This episode has a special guest appearance
by Jonathan Katz of "Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist."
Well, sit back, relax, and enjoy "Summer Sucks."
♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
Okay, children,
I know that today is the last day of school
and that the last day of school involves pranks,
but this is going too far.
Now, what have you done with Mr. Hat?
Children, I want Mr. Hat back right now!
The prank is over!
You think I can't get along without Mr. Hat, don't you?
You think I can't live without him.
Well, I can. He's just a puppet.
I don't need him.
You see, watch.
God damn it, where the did you put Mr. Hat?
Oh, no, you don't.
The school year's over,
but summer vacation doesn't start
for you little bastards
until Mr. Hat is back on my desk.
Now, I'm gonna turn around,
and when I turn back, I expect to see
Mr. Hat lying right here.
Okay.
I'm gonna turn around now.
Shit! - Where did everybody go?
Hooray! - Summer!
Oh, golly, Kevin, honey!
- Good to see you again, son.
- Looks like winter's right around the corner.
Better get some firewood ready.
Oh, happy summer, gentlemen. - Shut up, Pip.
Righto. Enjoy some of the summer for me, would you?
What do you mean? - Well, I have to spend
my summer in summer school because I can't be left alone.
You see, my parents are dead.
Your parents are dead?
Goddamn, you suck, Pip.
Oh, yeah, dude. It's summer.
That means we gotta buy fireworks.
I saved up enough money to buy M-80s this year.
I saw this movie once where this guy stuck
a firecracker up a cat's butt.
Cool, maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat.
Hey! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass,
I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack
and blow your balls all over your pants.
Jesus, Cartman.
- Hi, fellas. - Hi, Stu.
What can I do for you? - We want to buy M-80s.
The kind that fit in Cartman's cat's ass.
Okay, that's it!
Screw you guys, I'm going home. - What a baby.
So we'll have ten M-80s please.
I'm sorry, fellas.
Haven't you heard? - Heard what?
All fireworks have been banned in Colorado.
What do you mean?
It was in the paper this morning.
Dude, just 'cause some stupid North Park kid
blew his hands off, we don't get to buy M-80s?
Right. - How can they do this to us?
Doesn't anyone believe in tradition anymore?
Yeah, we've been playing with firecrackers our whole lives.
Killed Kenny.
- Oo bastards.
A summer without fireworks is like...
I don't know, but it's like it sucks ass.
Yeah, now what are we supposed to do?
I can still sell snakes.
This is absurd, we need fireworks
for our Fourth of July celebration at the lake.
I don't care that some twerp blew his hands off.
We've got to have fireworks for our picnic!
Hold on, I've got another call.
Hello? No, I don't know where Mr. Hat is.
Jesus, Garrison, I've got bigger problems.
Hello, yes... now, what am I supposed to do
about our Fourth of July show at the lake?
No, I don't want snakes.
This is an outrage.
Get me the mayor!
I know that, smartass.
I was being ironic.
I'm sorry, Mayor, but I couldn't find
the little man in the boat.
Well, keep looking.
This is ridiculous.
We can't have a celebration without fireworks.
Whoever heard of a Fourth of July picnic with snakes?
I like snakes.
You light 'em, and they grow and grow.
Wait a minute, that's it! I've got it!
This Fourth of July, South Park will make history
by having the largest snake in the world!
The press will love it.
I'll be on the front p-- ooh...
Oh, I found him.
Man, it's hot out here.
What do you guys want to do?
We have the whole summer to play.
Dude, what are we supposed to do?
We always just played with fireworks.
I know, let's go sledding. - Yeah.
Come on, Cartman, get on. - Stan?
Let's go, dude, we're ready.
What the hell you waiting for, Cartman?
- Guys, don't you notice
anything wrong with this picture?
Yeah, your fat ass isn't on the sled.
Ugh. Whatever.
What the hell's going on?
Hey, there, boys. - Hi, Uncle Jimbo.
How come you're not blowing things up, it's summer!
Didn't you hear? They outlawed fireworks
'cause a little boy blew off his hands.
What?! - Yeah, they're not even
having 'em at the lake this year.
Oh, my God. Well, don't worry, boys.
Uncle Jimbo is on the case.
Buckle your seatbelt, Ned.
- Mm, where are we going?
Mexico, my amigo.
Mm, why are we going to Mexico?
To buy fireworks.
Just 'cause some kid blew off his hands
doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer, now does it?
Are fireworks legal in Mexico?
Hell, everything's legal in Mexico.
It's the American way.
At the Dyno-Might Firework Company,
we have a commitment to excellence.
Our focus is on safety, while the--
Just cut to the chase and tell us about the snake!
Oh, okay.
Now, the disk that we're making is approximately
5,000 times bigger than the average snake.
Ooh!
We'll have to fly it in with three Comanche helicopters
and lower it onto the ground at the lake.
"Comanche helicopters"...
Then we'll need 57 flamethrowers
all set up around the perimeter of the disk
that are all triggered to fire at the same time.
- "Flamethrowers, triggered at the same time."
Once lit, the snake will grow.
And good times will be had by all.
Wonderful. - Spectacular.
Well, you see, fireworks at the lake
will not only go on but perhaps be the best ever.
Wait a minute, we're gonna need an orchestra
to play "The Stars and Stripes."
Hey, how about the elementary school orchestra?
They did a great version of "Mary Had a Little Lamb"
at their last concert.
Yes, get the school principal on the phone,
and we need somebody to dress up like Uncle Remus.
Mayor, I think you mean Uncle Sam.
- Of course I do, you asshole!
♪ Dusty the dirt ball ♪
Why does everything have to suck so bad in summer?
Hey, look, it's Mr. Garrison.
- Hello, children.
How is your summer going?
Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison.
- Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?
Oh, oh, that old thing?
I almost forgot he was gone.
I don't need Mr. Hat.
That's good.
Mr. Hat is just a puppet.
Yup.
Mr. Hat isn't real. - Right.
Hey, you guys, my mom signed me up
for swimming lessons at the community pool.
You want to come?
Swimming lessons?
Dude, that is the lamest thing I've ever heard.
It is not! - Everyone knows
that the first graders pee in the community pool.
Yeah, Cartman, you're swimming around
in first grader pee.
I'm not swimming around in pee!
Whatever, dude.
- My mom says if I take swimming lessons,
I can be in the Olympics someday.
- Yeah, the Fat-Ass Olympics.
- I am trying to make the best of a bad situation!
I don't need to hear crap
from a bunch of hippie freaks living in denial!
Screw you guys, I'm going home.
But, Cartman, we're trying--
No, screw you guys, home.
What does he mean, living in denial?
Dude, it's Cartman, he's just being a dumb-ass like always.
- There, how does that look?
Like a big hunk of dirt
with a carrot sticking out of it.
Ah, crap.
Okay, kids, everyone in the pool.
Come on, Eric, we're gonna start now.
Nuh-uh! - Just jump in.
I don't wanna.
It's not gonna hurt you, hon.
Just do it.
There you go.
Now, just let the first graders swim by you,
and then head towards us.
- Huh, first graders?
Aw, weak! Weak!
Ah, you sons of bitches!
- Where the hell is our firework?
We only have 24 hours.
I'm sure it'll be here any second.
Shut up! - Copy that.
- Okay, children, I'm sure we're a little rusty.
Where's Eric Cartman?
He's taking swimming lessons. - Oh, dear.
How are we supposed to sound good
without our French horn section?
Well, let's try some scales first.
C scale first. And...
Okay, that was pretty good.
Let's play Mozart's "Symphony No. 5."
Oh, we're doomed... our Fourth of July celebration
is going to have no fireworks and a bunch of tone-deaf
little playing-- wait a minute.
It's the snake!
Let's move along, people.
If you've seen one giant snake thingy firework,
you've seen 'em all.
- Call everybody. The show's back on.
Come on, we've only got one day to prepare!
Buenos días, mi amigo.
Yo soy una Americana spectacular.
- Que?
Yo necesito el fireworko spectacularrr.
No moleste el gato spectacularrr.
Would you look at that, Ned?
That's a Tijuana bottle rocket.
These babies have enough power to blast a fire hole
right through the ozone.
They're spectacularrr.
Ned, it's our job to get these to children
all over America for the Fourth of July.
We'll be like Santa Claus on Christmas morning.
Bueno.
Hello? - Hello, is Mr. Hat there?
Is this some kind of joke? - Yes.
You go to hell!
You go to hell and you die!
I'm gonna find out who you are.
I don't think you can, mm-kay?
God damn it!
So, Lamb Chop, what would you like to do today?
Well, I'd like to sing you a song.
Hey, let's sing one together.
♪ As long as we're together we can do anything ♪
♪ We can take on the whole darn world ♪
♪ We're happy as clams with plenty of pearls ♪
♪ Through thick and thin, we've always been together ♪
No, Lamb Chop, no!
Sherry, help me!
It burns! It burns!
Eric, you have to get in the deep end sooner or later.
Later's fine. - Just do your sidestroke.
I only know how to do it doggy style.
That's doggy paddle, Eric.
Now, come over here.
Can I do it doggy style?
Okay.
That's it, that's it, you can do it!
Ah, damn it!
Ah, not again!
Come on, Eric. - No way! Sons of bitches!
I'm going home.
The Fourth of July is finally here,
and with the statewide ban on fireworks,
people from all over Colorado are flocking to South Park.
Here with a special report
is a normal-looking guy with a funny name.
Thanks, Tom, it looks like the firework ban
won't be putting a damper
on one town's festivities tonight.
I'm here at Stark's Pond in South Park
where the crowd of residents and scores of tourists
anxiously await the lighting
of the largest snake in human history.
Now, as most of you will probably remember,
snakes are these little round disks that you light
and they spew out a little snake of black ash.
Well, the South Park snake is over half a mile in diameter
and 20 stories high.
I'm told that this event won't begin
until the sun goes down and night is upon us.
All righty, then, looks like we're ready.
- How are your swimming lessons going, Cartman?
Fine.
I heard you won't even get in the deep end.
Well, you heard wrong, hippie!
Ladies and gentlemen,
good citizens of Colorado, it's my pleasure
to be the first person to wish you all
a happy Fourth of July!
Let's start with our school band
playing "The Stars and Stripes."
This is it.
And a one and a two and a...
What the is that?
I think it's "The Stars and Stripes."
Oh, hell, light the snake.
Ooh...
Aah...
All right, Ned, now, we're coming up
to the American border-- they can't know
that we have fireworks in the trunk.
Just let me do the talking.
I guess that goes without saying, doesn't it?
Good evening, gentlemen.
Hello there, fellow American.
We're just anxious to get back to our homeland.
All right, I just need to ask you a few questions.
- Fire away, we have nothing to hide.
- Is anyone other than the two of you
traveling in this vehicle? - No, sir.
- Do you have any firearms or explosives in the car?
- Yeah. I mean, no, no!
- Open your trunk please, sir.
- Damn! Damn!
I always get that question wrong.
- My God, it's beautiful... it never fails to amaze me
how I manage to overcome adversity.
Say, Charlie, when does that thing die out?
Die out? - Yes, you know, expire, end.
Hello? I'm asking you when it stops!
Uh, I'm not sure, I-I never made one this big.
I guess we didn't quite think this through, did we?
What?
Dude, that thing is huge!
Yeah, they need to shut it off.
Hey, you guys are screwing up the song!
Somebody stop it!
It's out of control!
Kenny, watch out!
Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
You bastards!
Oh, my God.
You tell me how much longer this thing is gonna last!
Uh, let's see, a normal size snake lasts three minutes.
This is...
So when does it run out? - November, of next year.
Oh, hell.
Well, we're coming up on nine hours,
and the giant snake of South Park
shows no signs of stopping.
Residents have tried everything from fire hoses
to yelling at it to make the snake stop,
but nothing seems to work.
Thanks, Creamy... police are advising
all citizens to stay indoors,
not breathe the ash and air,
and not ever light any giant snakes
in the near future.
Man, this sucks. - What should we do, dude?
That big snake keeps growing.
It's gonna demolish the whole state soon.
We should do what we always do.
Ask Chef for help. - Where is Chef?
♪ Baby, you know you're the girl for me ♪
♪ And all that I want to be is... ♪
♪ You and me ♪
♪ And her, simultaneous ♪
♪ You and me ♪
♪ And you and you ♪
♪ Simultaneous loving, baby ♪
♪ Two or three ♪
♪ Simultaneous ♪
Ooh, that's right.
Hello? What?
Oh, hello, children!
It's a what?
A giant snake?
Killing everybody?
Growing bigger?
Children, you know I rarely say this,
but, well... futch ya.
♪ Simultaneous ♪
♪ You and me ♪
♪ And you and you ♪
♪ Simultaneous loving, baby ♪
♪ Two or three ♪
What'd he say?
Dude, I think he told us to go ourselves.
Wow! - How's that gonna help?
All over America,
the effects of the giant ash snake
of South Park can be seen.
Yea, let the spirit of Heavenly Father
be blessed upon you.
From this day on, all will be well.
I already feel like things are getting better.
And I can't sleep or think.
Where would he have gone? Why would he leave?
Well, let me ask you this: why...
wh-where do you think... Mr. Hat went?
How the should I know?
If I knew that, I wouldn't be seeing
a psychiatrist, would I?
Well, I guess I see what you're saying, yeah.
At first I was sure one of the children took him,
but then I remembered that Mr. Hat and I
actually had a fight that morning.
Um...
Are you gay? - What?!
It's-it's just-- it's just a question.
Are you propositioning me? - No.
Well, I can tell you that I'm 100% not gay.
Well, I believe you.
I absolutely believe you.
Mr. Hat, on the other hand. - Mr. Hat was gay?
Sometimes he fantasizes about same sex relations.
I see.
Sometimes Mr. Hat liked to pretend
he was in a sauna with Brett Favre
and a bottle of Thousand Island dressing.
That I did not need to know. - Well, I'm just saying.
- Mr. Garrison, I think that Mr. Hat was
actually your gay side trying to come out.
You see, it's you that's gay,
but-but you're in denial, so you act out
your gay persona with a homosexual puppet.
What do you think about that?
I think you're the loony one in this room.
Serves you right, you gay-bashing homo.
Well, Ned, looks like we missed Fourth of July again.
Mm... yup.
Damn it, those poor kids must have been so disappointed
to have nothing but them stupid wussy snakes to light.
- Mm, well, better luck next year.
- Yeah, you're right.
Okay, let's try again.
Mm, is anyone other than the two of you
traveling in this vehicle?
No.
Mm, do you have any firearms
or explosives in the car?
Yes?
Damn it, I got it wrong again!
What's the answer again?
Holy smokes!
What the hell is that?
Mm, it looks like my ex-wife.
Quick, Ned, this is our chance.
The Hummer's outside.
Hi, I haven't seen you in here before.
As more and more cities are affected by the growing ash
and the death toll rises to 3,000,
people from all over the country are looking
to the mayor of South Park for answers.
And it appears as if the mayor
is going to explain matters now.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
the mayor of South Park regrets
that she cannot be here herself,
but she is... sick.
Sick? What kind of lame excuse is that?
You gotta be kidding me!
Aw, this is ridiculous!
Come on, we want answers!
Sh-she's having her period.
Oh.
- We do, however, have an official statement
for all the concerned cities
about the matter with the giant snake
that we can't seem to put out.
"We're sorry. Our bad."
Thank you, that is all.
Okay.
No first graders around.
I can swim to the deep end.
I can do it. I can do it.
I can-- I'm gonna make it.
How many days left in summer? - A lot, I think.
Damn it, I just want it to snow again.
I don't think it matters, dude.
This giant snake is gonna kill everyone soon.
Buenos gracias, boys. - Hi, Uncle Jimbo.
Aw, now, why the long faces?
We're bored. - There's nothing to do.
Well, I don't think those are problems
that some Tijuana bottle rockets can't solve.
Hooray!
Careful with those, now, those are dangerous.
Point 'em away from your eyes, now.
Wow, these are huge.
Aw, look at 'em, Ned.
Look how much happiness
a little firepower can bring to a child.
Hey, look, we blew up the snake!
All the ash from the snake is putting the flame out.
Well, how do you like that?
Bottle rockets saved the Fourth of July.
Hooray!
I'm gonna make it.
I'm gonna make it to the deep end.
I did it! I did it!
I made it to the deep end!
Hooray for me!
The snake's been destroyed!
The pool's open!
Huh?
No, no! You sons of bitches!
Sons of bitches!
- Look, they put out the snake! - Yay!
Yes! Apparently my plan to blow up the snake
worked perfectly.
Hey, look, it's snowing!
- Well, it's snowing black ash, but what the hell?
Winter's back! - Wow, it's a black blizzard.
Mr. Garrison, where's Mr. Hat?
Oh, I'm through with Mr. Hat.
He's a two-timing whore.
From now on, children,
you're all gonna be learning from Mr. Twig.
That's right, children.
I'll see you in the fall. - Oh, I can hardly wait.
- Hey, children, everybody, I'm back!
I'm back from Aruba!
What the...
- Hey, Chef. - How's it going?
- Howdy, Chef, how was your summer vacation?
- Okay, everybody get in a line so I can whup all your asses.
♪ You and me and her ♪
♪ Simultaneous ♪
♪ You and me ♪
♪ And you and you ♪
♪ Simultaneous loving, baby ♪
♪ Two or three ♪
♪ Simultaneous ♪
♪ Ooh, that's right ♪
♪ Get down ♪
♪ Simultaneous ♪