- Oh, hi, everybody.
- You just caught Matt and I doing what we love to do most,
entertaining senior citizens at a retirement home.
Say hi to the "South Park" fans, gang.
Say hi to the "South Park" fans, I said!
Hi.
- We're glad you're watching this episode of "South Park,"
because it's our favorite episode.
That's right; it's called "Conjoined Fetus Lady,"
and it's all about the kids' exciting
dodgeball tournament in China.
Trey and I got the idea for this episode when we visited
Beijing, China, together.
That's right; we saw the Great Wall,
the Forbidden City, and even Tiananmen Square,
where Chinese students were killed by soldiers.
Here we are reenacting the Tiananmen Square massacre.
- After we got out of jail for reenacting
the Tiananmen Square massacre, we went back home and thought,
"Wow, China is really stupid. Let's make fun of it."
So we did.
And this show also has that old "woman who has a twin that
died during childbirth attached to her head" joke in it.
Isn't that funny, gang?
Isn't that funny, I said?
Answer him, you pieces of.
- God damn it. - We come and perform
for you, and you sit there like a bunch of corpses.
- you. - I hate you.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy "Conjoined Fetus Lady."
- ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
Okay, children, it's Friday.
And you know what that means for P.E. class.
We're gonna play dodgeball.
We don't want to play dodgeball. It hurts.
Yeah. - So let's have half
the children on this side,
and half the children on that side.
Excuse me a moment, gentlemen.
I don't believe I know how to play dodgeball.
- What? Don't you have dodgeball in France?
Well, no, and actually I'm not from France.
Look, Pip, the rules are simple.
A kid from that team tries to bean a kid on our team
in the head with a big red ball.
Oh, dear.
If the ball hits you, you're out.
But if you catch the ball, he's out.
And the last team to still have anybody standing wins.
Oh, what jolly good fun.
No, it isn't, it hurts!
I can't believe they let us play this in school.
Play ball!
Ow!
- Damn it, we lost one already!
- You're out, Clyde.
Jordan, Swanson, pull forward, we need backup.
We're losing men fast out here.
Concentrate on your game. Be the ball.
I caught it. I caught it!
Great catch, Kyle. Now your team's on offense.
Here, Pip, you throw.
Oh, no, I couldn't.
Come on, limey, don't be a wuss.
Are you gonna be a French pansy your whole life?
I'm not French.
Throw the ball, you stupid frog!
God damn, maybe if you didn't eat all those croissants,
you'd be able-- Ow!
Okay, that was pretty good, Pip.
But you're supposed to hit the kids on the other team.
Ow, my nose! You broke my nose!
- Damn, Pip, I didn't know you had it in you.
Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry.
That nose is bleeding pretty bad, Kyle.
I think you might have to go to the nurse's office.
No, no, it'll be okay.
Sorry, son, you'll have to let the nurse look at it.
Come on. - No! No!
- Dude, he's going to the nurse's office.
I heard the school nurse is hideously deformed.
I heard she has tentacles and eats children for lunch.
Stan, has anybody actually seen the nurse
and come back to tell about it?
No, Cartman, nobody ever has.
Are you Kyle Broflovski?
Yes.
I'm the school nurse.
Did you hurt your nose?
Y-yes.
Young man, why do you have your eyes closed?
I'm not gonna hurt you.
I know. - So open them.
Oh.
Whew.
- Now, what seems to be the problem?
I just hit my nose playing dodgeball.
Oh, well, I'll get you an ice pack.
What?
Oh, I see you've noticed my disorder.
I have a stillborn fetus growth attached to my head.
And when she moved up and down, the little fetus jiggled.
Ew!
Did it talk?
The little fetus, did it talk? - No, no. It looked dead.
Ew!
Was it wearing clothes?
Dude, where is she gonna get fetus clothes?
Oh, yeah. - Ew.
Ew!
And then she walked over-- - Kyle, that is enough!
I've been reading up on your poor nurse's condition
and it is nothing to be made fun of.
It's called "conjoined twin myslexia."
Who the hell cares what it's called,
as long as she doesn't touch me.
Now, that's just the kind of unawareness
that we need to fight against.
Sit down, boys.
You see, boys, sometimes when babies are born,
they're born as twins.
But sometimes the twins get hooked together
and they're born as Siamese twins.
Gross!
But sometimes,
after the Siamese twins are joined together,
one of the twins dies before birth.
The living baby is born with the dead baby still attached.
Sometimes this dead twin is inside the living person,
so even you could have a dead twin inside you
and not even know it.
So now that you're educated about her disease,
you won't need to make fun of her, right, booby?
Uh, yeah.
Can you imagine that poor, poor woman?
Mm-hmm.
- Feeling like an outcast, being ridiculed every day.
Mm-hmm.
Hello?
Hello, Sheila, it's Sharon, Stan's mother.
Oh, yes, hello, Sharon.
Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know
why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick.
No, I have to get it out!
Well, Sharon, I was trying to educate them
about conjoined twin myslexia.
So this is your fault. - Okay--oh--damn it!
Would you do me a favor?
Next time you want to scare the hell out of my child,
just go outside and sit in the road
till a truck runs you over instead.
That does it!
I must educate the entire town about this awful disease!
Mm-hmm.
Dude, I don't get it.
Why are we playing dodgeball again?
Yeah, I thought we only play it on Fridays.
Children, great news!
We've been asked to play in the state finals for dodgeball.
Aw, do we have to?
Can't we play with that big parachute again or something?
You don't understand, children,
if we can win state,
we can play in the nationals in Washington D.C.
Hey, they have a zoo there!
That's right. Now, come on,
we have a lot of practicing to do.
- Aren't we supposed to have won something
in order to go to state finals?
Hey, Pip, you want to be on my team again?
I'd love to!
Yeah, just try not to send anybody
to that monster nurse this time, Frenchy.
- Hey, I get quite disturbed when you call me that!
You shouldn't make fun of foreigners.
And besides, I hate French people.
Well, Mrs. Broflovski, it certainly is a thrill
seeing your cheery face again.
What seems to be pissing you off today?
Nothing is pissing me off.
I just want to start a movement!
Of course you do.
I want to talk to you all about your school nurse.
Nurse Gollum is absolutely qualified to be a--
No, no, no, I'm not upset about her.
I want to make the public aware of her.
Her disease should be brought to light
so that it could be understood rather than made fun of.
Ooh, and, uh, what disease is that?
Principal Victoria,
Nurse Gollum has conjoined twin myslexia.
What's that?
- She has a dead fetus attached to her head.
She does?
You, uh--you never noticed that?
No, I never did.
Well, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
This poor woman is forced to live in the shadows
because she feels like an outcast.
It is up to us to make her feel comfortable
and welcome in our town.
Did you say a fetus sticking out from her head?
I want to invite your nurse to a dinner party
at my house this evening.
I'd appreciate it if both you and Mr. Mackey would attend.
Do we have to eat kosher stuff?
Well, I'll talk to Nurse Gollum,
but I'm sure she'll be delighted.
Let's say around 8:00?
Wonderful.
Now, you did say she has a fetus on her head?
Okay, children,
now who's gonna win the state finals?
Denver?
♪ Here we go, Cows, here we go, uh, uh ♪
♪ Here we go Cows, here we go ♪
♪ Uh, uh ♪
I think we need to get off on this exit.
Sit down, kid!
But it's quicker to get to the Denver school that way.
Do you want an office referral?
How many times do I have to explain this to you?
I'm not a student.
You can't give me an office referral.
I said, sit down!
Yes, ma'am.
Whoa, dude, this is a school?
Hello there. I'm Bob Thomas,
the coach for the Denver Cougars.
I'm Chef, coach of the South Park Cows.
Well, I certainly want to thank you
for bringing your team down.
Apparently nobody else would play us
because they knew we'd just beat them silly.
So I told the school board
to find me some hick school from the mountains,
and here you are.
You're from South Park, yeah?
Yeah.
My God, amazing where people can live nowadays.
Well, we might as well get this over with,
we got to start thinking about D.C.
Promise we won't make it too painful.
- Play ball!
So where did you get your degree, Nurse Gollum?
Colorado State.
Oh!
Sheila, could you pass me the dead fetus?
I mean, gravy.
Ow!
Damn it, come on!
Somebody catch the ball!
All right, boys, just five more
of the little bastards to go!
I caught it. I caught it!
Aw, that's not fair.
He's so fat, it stuck in his belly.
South Park on offense!
Great job, children, just stay focused now.
Go for it, Pip.
Oh, bother.
Come on, you Frenchy little frog!
Whoa, great shot, Pip!
So I hear that the South Park Cows
are playing for the state finals in dodgeball tonight.
Yeah, but, you know, it doesn't matter, though.
The Denver team always wins, okay.
Oh, I don't know.
I think our boys might just have the dead fetus to win.
Heart!
Gerald, keep your damn mouth shut!
It's okay, Ms. Broflovski, really.
- Please forgive us.
I'm terribly sorry, Nurse Gollum.
No, I'm quite secure with it.
- I have felt so bad
ever since I heard the boys making fun of you.
They're just young boys.
Joking is a way for them to come to terms
with what they don't understand.
Could I get some more pork?
So did you ever think of just, you know,
having it cut off?
Yes, Principal Victoria, the thought had occurred to me.
Unfortunately, it would mean my death.
Oh, so I suppose that's out.
How about a hat, then?
No, really--
Yes, we could get you a few hats,
and wear a different one every day--no big whoop.
I really appreciate what you're trying to do here,
but it's not necessary.
I'm a pretty happy person.
I've got it!
We could set aside a whole week to make the public aware
of folks just like you!
Oh, yes.
A conjoined twin myslexia awareness week.
You know, that has a nice ring.
But I don't think--
The school could put out pamphlets, okay.
And we could have seminars to educate, okay.
Oh, this is so exciting!
I'm gonna get the mayor on the phone right now!
You got just one more, Pip.
You get this kid, and we are state champions.
Yeah, and if you don't,
you're a big dumb-ass European hippie piece of crap!
Get him, Frenchy.
South Park wins!
We did it, children! We did it.
We're going to Washington D.C.!
Owee, it hurts.
Owee!
Mommy, it hurts, it hurts!
Oh, sorry about whupping your ass there, Coach!
♪ Ooh, baby, come on, just whupped in the ass ♪
♪ Gonna need some cream for your ass ♪
♪ It's all swollen and red ♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is indeed a great week for South Park.
Miss Hermans has opened the east wing of the library,
and our own South Park Cows elementary school dodgeball team
is going to the national finals!
Where they will undoubtedly be beaten senseless
by the Washington team.
But most importantly, this week has brought to my attention
a very serious and dreaded disease,
conjoined twin myslexia.
And so it is in honor of this
that I declare this exciting week
as conjoined twin myslexia week!
And now let's kick off our week-long festivities
with the first annual grand conjoined parade!
Let's hear it for these brave souls!
What a glorious parade that was.
Let's hear it for the parade coordinators!
You know, Mayor, I really should be
accompanying those kids to Washington
in case they get hurt.
That is my job.
Nonsense, this is your week. You aren't going anywhere.
- How much further is Washington D.C.?
Sit down, kid!
- I need to know how far it is, lady.
I said, sit down!
Yeah, whatever, you old, dried up fat hog.
What did you say?
I said I've always wanted to visit Prague.
Oh, me too.
Okay, what have you got?
Some Hadka fish, some Gafagga...
I got a jelly roll. I got a jelly roll!
Sweet, jelly roll's perfect.
Places.
Damn, man, this is the big time, all right.
Chef, we're hungry.
You can eat after the game.
You children win this one and you're national champions.
Then you can go on and play the Chinese.
My mom says there's a lot of black people in China.
What?
Are you Chef?
Yeah.
The Washington team has forfeited the game.
Congratulations, you're national champions.
What?
We did it! Children, we won!
Wow, that was easy.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a round of applause
for the new national champions of dodgeball,
the South Park Cows!
Hey, why did you guys forfeit?
You mean you don't know? - Know what?
Last year's national champions
were the Austin Pirates.
They played China for the world championship;
only four of them came back alive.
Chinese dodgeball players aren't like us.
They do nothing but dodgeball, day in and day out.
They use steroids and advanced training equipment
to make them not kids, but animals.
Well, good luck, we've got our futures to think about.
Okay, children, back in the bus.
And so, at this honorary dinner,
we take a look back at our beloved Nurse Gollum
and the brave life she has lived.
Roll the tape please, Mr. Garrison.
Oh, no.
♪ You've got the strength, you've got the courage ♪
♪ Even with a dead fetus on your head ♪
♪ You carry on ♪
♪ You fight for tomorrow ♪
♪ Dead fetus, no, you never let go ♪
♪ You're my conjoined twin dead thing ♪
♪ Hanging off your head, woman ♪
Oh, that was so touching!
And now, friends, it's time to present
the lifetime conjoined twin achievement award.
This award goes to outstanding conjoined twins
who have made a mark on society.
And the winner is...
Nurse Gollum.
Nurse Gollum!
Oh, boy.
Excuse me, Mayor, but I just received some news
that you might all be interested in.
Our South Park cows have just beaten
the Washington dodgeball team and are on their way to
the world championship in China.
Okay, children, now we're almost to China.
I want you all to try and focus on your game.
But, Chef, we don't want to play the Chinese.
Nonsense! If we win this one, we're world champions.
But we could get killed!
And just what price would you pay for eternal glory?
Just imagine a big yellow dodgeball champion's banner
hanging in the cafeteria-- imagine it.
Dude, chef has lost it.
You'll be on the news all over the world.
South Park will finally have a sport that it's good at.
Oh, children, it'll be glorious.
Sure, Captain Ahab has to get his way, huh?
Dude, what does that mean?
I don't know.
Hey, isn't that kid Kevin Chinese?
Yeah, you're from China.
No, I'm from America. My parents are Chinese.
Tell us how the Chinese play dodgeball.
I have no idea, dude.
Come on, rice picker!
Hey, hey, hey! Children, that's not cool.
You don't make fun of somebody because of their ethnicity.
You don't?
But, Chef, you just ripped on Chinese people.
No, no, no, no, that's different.
I made fun of them because they are from China.
You see, it's not okay to make fun of an American
because they are black, brown, or whatever.
But it is okay to make fun of foreigners
because they're from another country.
Oh!
All right. - Yeah.
It is with great pride that we welcome our American friend.
Now let the champion of dodgeball be decide!
Damn, dude, China is up.
Take places!
- All right, let's go, Cows!
Let's show them what we got!
Okay, Tom,
looks like Americans are getting ready to play.
I don't suppose they'll have problems seeing the ball
with their big American eyes.
Yeah, good thing they have those big eyes,
so that they don't have to rely on that
amazing American intellect.
You say such things. - That's a zinger.
Play ball!
Ah!
Holy crap.
Ooh!
God damn!
Hey, hey, what you call white American person
with a PhD in physics and math?
I don't know, what?
Stupid American!
Oh, boy!
Another American is down!
It's number--
I don't know. All American look alike!
Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
You bastards.
Oh, my,
I haven't seen an American die like that
since Abraham Lincoln!
Dude, that is not cool.
You're gonna get us into trouble again.
Ladies and gentlemen,
on this fourth day of Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week,
all our prayers are with our little South Park Cows,
now playing their hearts out in China.
Now join me in saluting our Cows
and help make Nurse Gollum not feel like an outcast
with our first official conjoined twin myslexia hats!
And there is only one South Park player left!
Still all Chinese player!
This should be over very shortly!
Come on! Throw ball!
Hey, you want to hear my impersonation of American?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Hey, I really, really want that.
That looks good.
Hey, hey, let me try, let me try.
I'll use my credit card.
Do you have any non-dairy creamer?
Y'all come back now, hear?
Oh, what have I done?
You know, Eric, I just realized something.
I've been obsessed, and obsession isn't good.
If we had won the world championship, what then?
It would only be a bigger let down the next year
if we didn't win.
Our lives would have to revolve around dodgeball.
Our lives were fine before.
Oh, I'm sorry children. I let it all go to my head.
Can you ever forgive me?
Come on, forget this stupid game. Let's go home.
Come on, throw ball!
Hey, if you want to make him throw the ball say this...
Thanks, you American dumb-ass!
"You French piece of crap,
"throw ball!
"What's the matter, Frenchy?
You got crepes in your ears?"
And the winner is South Park Cows!
Everyone, everyone, look, I won the game!
We're world champions.
Mr. Chef, Mr. Chef,
South Park is the world champion in dodgeball!
Oh, glorious day!
Shut up, Pip.
Yeah, shut up, Pip. Can we go home now?
Did you all see?
I can't believe I threw such a ball with my own arm.
Shut up, Pip!
As this year's Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week
draws to a close,
I would like to personally thank all of you
for your enthusiastic cooperation.
Now let's hear it one more time
for our world champion South Park Cows!
What the hell is everyone wearing on their heads?
And now let's hear from the woman of the week.
The incredible, courageous Nurse Gollum!
Ah! - Dude, it's the freak nurse!
Holy crap!
Damn it, Kyle.
We've been working all week against that kind of behavior.
Sorry, dude, we weren't here.
Thank you, Mayor, I don't know what to say.
This has been quite a week.
She's really touched.
What I really want to say is,
well, this may sound odd
coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head,
but, you're all a bunch of freaks!
Uh, freaks with big hearts!
And now--
- Don't you realize that the last thing I ever wanted
was to be singled out?
I just wanted to do my job and live my life
like any normal person,
but instead you've made everybody focus
on my handicap all week long!
Look, I don't want to be treated different.
I don't want to be treated special or treated gingerly.
I just want to be ridiculed, shouted at, and made fun of,
like all the rest of you do to each other.
And take those stupid things off your heads!
Oh, my, what an ungrateful bitch.
Yeah, the nerve of some people.
Hey, you know that nurse is actually pretty cool.
Yeah, maybe that dead fetus makes her smarter.
I love you guys.
Screw you guys.
♪ Carry on ♪
♪ Dead fetus, no, you never let go ♪
♪ You're my conjoined twin dead thing ♪
♪ Hanging off your head, woman ♪