One, two, three, four.
♪ I'ma say, hey ♪
♪ Death live long, death come for you! ♪
♪ Baby, you don't know, you don't know me! ♪
♪ I don't know you! ♪
♪ You know nothing! ♪
♪ Livin' a lie, livin' a lie! ♪
♪ You're living a lie! ♪
Oh, hi, everybody.
You just caught Matt and I doing what we love to do most,
entertaining senior citizens at a retirement home.
Say hi to the "South Park" fans, gang.
Say hi to the "South Park" fans, I said!
Hi. - What you're about to see
is our favorite episode of "South Park."
It's called "Chicken Lover," and it's about a man
who likes to have sex with chickens.
That's right, Matt.
You know, sex with chickens
dates back to the late 1800s when--
Excuse me. - What?
Can we leave?
No, you can't leave. We're entertaining you.
You're talking to the camera.
Hey, just keep your damn pants on!
This is our other job, all right?
I have other things to do, too.
Sit down, or else it's ninja star in the forehead for you.
Anyway, this episode also deals with the wonders of reading.
That's right. Reading used to be a fun form
of entertainment, but now we have TV, so who needs it?
I have to leave. - Kick ba--
Kick back, relax--
I must--I must leave. - Ninja star!
Sit back, relax, and enjoy
this episode of "South Park," "Chicken Lover."
♪ Get me off! ♪
♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪
- ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
Okay, children, each of you gets to choose two books
from the Booktastic Bus.
Reading sucks ass.
Eric, shut up!
Boring. Boring.
Gay. Boring, boring.
Hey, you guys, check out these books.
Sabrina Unchained.
Wow, these books look cool.
Hey, there's a lot of big words in these books.
Hello, kids.
I see you're discovering the magic of reading.
Who are you?
I drive the Booktastic Bus, where magic begins.
You see, reading opens up whole new worlds to you.
You can take a canoe down the Amazon,
or go back in time to Camelot,
or become a race car driver,
all by just opening a book.
Just like magic. The magic of reading.
Gosh, shut up, dude.
Go ahead and pick any books you like,
then give in, give in to the magic.
If we read, are we gonna become like that guy?
Yeah, this is stupid; books aren't magical.
I don't know, I'm kind of getting
a tingly feeling looking at these.
I don't know, let's go see.
Well, being an officer of the peace means a lot of things.
It's a hard job, but then again, I'm a hard man.
A lot of people think that in a small town
there isn't a lot for the law to do.
Well, they're wrong.
All units, all units,
report to 2-5-4 Avenue de los Mexicanos.
Possible hostile situation.
There, you see?
This could be a bank robbery,
or possibly even a murder!
This ain't no Podunk little town.
And, Barbrady, your wife called--
she wants you to get some pizza on the way home.
Goddamnit!
Cool. What is it? What is it?
- Okay, people, move along.
There's nothing to see here.
What's the trouble? Where's the body?
- Barbrady, I just caught some guy in here
having sex with one of my chickens.
Uh, oh.
My god, that's disgusting.
Whoa, dude, how do you have sex with a chicken?
Uh, boys, you move along.
This isn't for young eyes to see.
Did you get a good look at the suspect?
No, I didn't see anything.
It just happened so fast.
Well, uh, this is quite interesting, huh, guys?
Uh, we're gonna go grab some lunch
and maybe get some shots of those turtles
down at the pond.
Ah, camel poo!
Hey, what's this?
It looks like a note.
Give me that! That's a clue
and you'll get your stinky DNA all over it.
What does it say? - Uh, it says...
Uh, "Sorry I had sex with a chicken.
I won't do it again. Bye, bye."
Well, there you have it, case closed.
Dammit, Barbrady, what the hell's wrong with you?
Every time something happens in this town,
you say "Nothing to see here" and "Case closed",
but we want justice!
We have to find this sicko!
I said return to your homes
before I start arresting people!
For what? Orderly conduct?
How about fishing without a license?
I'm not fishing.
What do you call this then?
If you do not comply, I'll be forced
to execute each and every one of you
by gunshot to the head.
That's right,
return to your simple lives.
Just forget this ever happened.
Forget,
forget.
Wow, Barbrady sure is acting weird.
Yeah, I wonder what's wrong.
Welcome to Fran's, can I help you?
Sir, can I help you?
Uh, just give me two cheeseburgers
and some jalapeno poppers.
Sir, there's just one problem.
What's that? - We're a bank.
- I know that, smarty pants!
What do you think, I'm some kind of idiot?
Yes. - Hmm.
I can't go on living this lie!
- With chicken after chicken being violated,
the South Park police are under increasing pressure
to solve the case of the chicken.
We now go live to a press conference
where Officer Barbrady and the mayor
are fielding questions.
Officer Barbrady,
what would drive a man to such a disgusting act?
Well, nobody can say for sure.
No motive has yet been established.
Do the police have any leads?
Well, both 3-D computer modeling
and intensive seismology
have not given us any leads as of yet.
But has chicken left any clues at the crime?
All right, all right, I can't read!
There, I said it, I can't read.
Are you happy now? You pushed and you pushed
and now you all know my terrible secret!
I'm illegitimate!
I'm not fit to be a policemen.
I retire!
Okay, thank you all for coming.
There's coffee and brownies out front.
And so Officer Barbrady has taken a leave of absence
and South Park will have to manage
without any police force for a while.
This just in,
South Park has plunged into total anarchy.
Exactly two seconds after
the retirement of Officer Barbrady,
looting and pillaging erupted
in the quiet mountain town.
Whoopie! This is killer.
With no cops around, we can do whatever we want!
Woah, dude, what's going on?
I don't know.
Oh, my god, they've killed--
Oh, never mind.
I don't believe it.
All this time Barbrady actually did keep this town peaceful.
Who knew? I always thought he was a complete idiot.
He is.
Mayor, What do you plan to do about the South Park riots?
No reason for concern.
I want to assure all of you that Officer Barbrady
is still our active police force.
But he's illiterate; what do you plan to do?
Uh, plan? I don't actually...
Reading classes, plain and simple.
By the mayor's order Officer Barbrady
is on temporary leave of absence to learn to read.
Effective immediately. - Yes, that's right.
It's back to school with Officer Barbrady!
Now, children, we have a new student joining us today.
Please say hi to Officer Barbrady.
I can't see, dude.
Okay, now since our focus has been on reading,
let's review some of the basics.
Yes, what is it?
I need to go poopies.
Officer Barbrady,
in school we go to the bathroom before and after class.
Oh, Christ, how do you kids do it?
Does anyone have any suggestions
where we should begin with Officer Barbrady?
How about a brain transplant?
Now, Kyle, let's be supportive of our new student.
Give him the nurturing environment he needs to thrive.
Now I'm going to write a sentence
and I want us all to help Officer Barbrady read it.
Give it a shot, Officer Barbrady.
Uh...
"O... O."
Bzzt, wrong! Try again, dumb-ass.
Okay, okay, maybe we should try something a little easier.
We can work our way up to the hard ones.
Go ahead, Barbrady, don't be scared.
Uh...
"O..." - Bzzt! Drr!
Did you hear that Mr. Hat?
I sure did, Mr. Garrison. What a retard.
Did you kids actually learn how to read this way?
No, we just fake it to shut him up.
Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Let's try again.
Say, what are nice chickens like you
doing in a coop like this?
- Now, children, I hope
you all had a good time reading your books
and are prepared for your book reports.
Who should we have go first, Mr. Hat?
Let's see.
How about Stan or Kyle?
Eric, why don't you go first? - Ugh.
What's the matter, Eric? Are you not prepared again?
I'm prepared!
For my book report I read
"The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe."
It was very, very good.
Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?
No, I can't say that I have. - Oh, good.
In "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe",
a bunch of, uh, hippies walk around and paint stuff.
They eat lunch and then they find a magical camel
which they have to eat to stay alive,
and that's pretty much it. I give it a "B minus".
And I give you an "F", Eric, now sit down.
Goddamnit!
Okay, Officer Barbrady,
why don't you give us your book report?
I've just finished reading the heartwarming novel,
"Go, Dog, Go".
I found it a compelling and disturbing look
at the canine psyche.
If I may read a passage.
"Big dog...
"Little dog.
"A red dog
on a..."
Well, anyway,
I don't want to give away the ending,
but I will say that it spirals toward an incredible twist-turn
that parallels my own life.
Thank you, Officer Barbrady.
That was a very good book report indeed.
I'll give you an "A".
Hurray!
Goody two-shoes.
♪ Swing set, swing set ♪
♪ Up and down I go ♪
♪ Whoosh goes the willy wind ♪
♪ Blowing through my toes ♪
Dude, I think Officer Barbrady
enjoys being at school a little too much.
Yeah, isn't he just supposed to be learning how to read?
♪ Swing set, swing set ♪
♪ Up and down I go ♪
Officer Barbrady, what are you doing?
Oh my god! They killed--
Oh, never mind.
Well, how's the reading coming along?
Oh, pretty good.
Barbrady, we really need you to speed this up.
The chicken struck again last night.
Oh, no!
Oh, mayor, please, when we're around children
we prefer to call him the chicken lover.
This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken.
She's catatonic.
Who, Carla Weathers or the chicken?
The perpetrator left this clue at the crime scene.
Oh, I can't read this. It has silent E's.
You have to learn to read faster, Barbrady!
I'm doing the best I can!
I even got a "A" on my book report.
Listen, buddy, either you learn to read quick
or else I'm gonna find a law officer to replace you forever!
Hey, what'd you do that for?
Uh, just dramatic effect, sorry.
Oh, boy, I'm in big trouble.
I'll never learn to read fast enough
and the town is in chaos!
It's cool, dude, we'll help you.
Hey, that's right, you can help me.
Under article 39, section two of police code,
I'm allowed to deputize citizens in a time of crisis.
Really? I want to be a cop.
You boys will be my deputies.
You can help me restore order, catch the chicken lover,
and swing me on the swing set. - Do I get a nightstick?
- Sure, nightsticks for everybody!
You keep a tab on crime in the city,
and we'll try to solve the chicken lover case.
10-4, sergeant.
Now what does that clue say again?
"If you want to know where I'll strike next,
read "Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft".
To the Booktastic Bus, deputies!
We haven't a moment to spare.
hurray!
Good day, friends.
Welcome to the magical world of reading.
We need a copy of
"Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft" right away.
Ooh, that's a very magical book, full of wonders--
Ah, just give us the damn book, fruitcake!
What's it say?
It says "ma... Ma..."
What's this word?
"I". - Oh, yeah.
"I, ma... Ma..." - Here, give me that.
"I am Bumbly Wumbly, I live in the pond."
A pond. Hey! Maybe that means Stark's Pond.
That's quick thinking, deputy.
Let's get to Stark's Pond immediately.
Hey.
Uh, yes, officer?
I clocked you at 40 miles an hour back there.
Do you know what the speed limit is here?
Well, according to that sign right there,
it's 40 miles an hour.
Step out of the car please, sir.
Wait a second, aren't you Stan's little friend?
Sir, step out of the car, please.
Yeah, you're the one
who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
Hey, I am a cop
and you will respect my authority!
Yeah, right. You better get back to school, little boy.
Ow!
Get your ass to jail! - Ow!
Hey, what the hell are you doing?
You can't do that! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Sweet.
Oh, weak, dude, we're too late.
Well, the chickens don't seem to really mind.
Well, this is terrible.
Now, who would have sex with a chicken?
I would.
Oh, you couldn't screw anything, Halfy.
You don't have any legs.
Oh, yeah.
Have some respect for people's feelings, would you, Halfy?
Come on, dudes. We need to look for another clue.
Here, here, I found one! - What's it say? What's it say?
It says read "Teetle the Timid, ta- ta- ta..."
The taxi-- What's this word?
I don't know.
"Ta- ta-...
Ta... Taxidermist!"
I read it! I read it all by myself!
Hurray, yeah! Whoo-hoo!
...Enroute to 496.
I've been working this beat
for about three days now.
You definitely have to have pretty thick skin
or else these people, they just walk all over you.
Sometimes you have to go undercover
to get the worst of them.
Hi, there, little lady.
Well, hi there. What are you doing tonight?
Well, hopefully spending some time with you, gorgeous.
Is 20 dollars enough?
Sir, step out of the car, please?
What? Uh-oh. Is this a bust?
Sir, step out of the car.
Hey, wait a minute, you're just a kid.
- Maybe this will teach you to listen to authority!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Hey, man, what are you doing?
Ow, stop it!
Eh, sometimes upholding the law is messy,
but you get by...
one day at a time.
I got a TV. Sh, come on!
"Teetle the timid taxidermist
loves to..."
Oh, Goddamn, reading is lame.
How's it going, dude? - Terrible, I give up.
I'm not fit to be a cop.
Come on, dude, it's not that hard.
It is, too!
Just read the sentence.
"Teetle the timid taxidermist
loves to go to the pet, pet..."
Come on, dumb-ass, you can do it.
"Pet..." Wait a minute.
Conjugate the verb.
Yes, conjugate the verb.
"Pet-ting."
"Petting zoo!"
He loves to go to the petting zoo!
Boys, we're off.
All units, all units,
512 at 635 Avenue de los Mexicanos
request assistance.
Sir, could you step out of the car, please?
We're fine, officer.
And, uh, who--who's in here with you?
- Just me and my wife and my brother,
and my wife's cousin and his son,
and my brother's girlfriend and our two kids,
and my brother's girlfriend's mother,
and this guy Bob who I met last year.
- Poor people tend to live in clusters.
What--what did you say? - Nothing.
Now, sir, is there some kind of--
I want him out of my house!
He ain't worth a shit!
He can't even hold a job!
Shut up, bitch.
Okay, okay, let's try to watch the language.
There's children present here.
You lazy ass mother.
Look what she did to my eye!
- I'll do it again!
Mom hit Dad again.
Now the first thing to do
in domestic disturbance calls like this one
is to just calm everybody down.
Respect my authority!
All units, all units,
we have a 5-20 on the suspect.
Report to the South Park petting zoo immediately.
Chicken lover.
Keep your eyes peeled, boys.
Somebody's gonna make love to this chicken any minute.
Maybe we were wrong about the clue.
Yeah, maybe you read it wrong.
Oh, no!
Shh!
Keep your eyes peeled.
Look!
He's here. - Grab him!
Dammit, can't this thing go any faster?
Oh, my God, they've killed--
Goddamnit.
I knew it was you all along, Richard Nixon.
I think that's a mask, dude.
Oh.
Whoa, dude. It's the book mobile driver.
Caught you red-handed. - Indeed you did.
How did you know I would strike here?
- By reading "Teetle the Timid Taxidermist".
You did, really? Then it worked.
My whole plan worked absolutely perfectly.
What are you talking about, dude?
When I heard that Officer Barbrady couldn't read,
I knew I had to motivate him somehow.
So I formulated a plan to encourage him
to learn the magic of reading.
So you a bunch of chickens?
Yes, yes, exactly.
- Don't you see? - Only by chickens
could I get Officer Barbrady to become literate.
That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, dude.
Oh, no? He who is blind can now see.
I got Officer Barbrady to read.
My plan worked perfectly.
Well, I guess I should say thanks?
You're welcome. And now my reading friend,
you've proven that you are ready for the big time.
I give you this hardback copy
of "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand.
Freeze! Put your hands in the air!
Cartman!
I got reports the suspect is in this area.
Well, he is. It turns out that book mobile driver here
was the one making love to chickens.
Ah, ha!
Ow, that hurts! - Whoa, dude. Cartman!
No, no, that's not how you uphold the law!
But he is not listening to my authority.
Oh, oh, you've got it all wrong, my little friend.
You do it like this.
You gotta get them in the head.
They go down quicker.
Oh.
I guess you should leave police work
to the professionals, huh, Cartman?
Well, anyway, I'm relieving you of your duties.
I've proved that I can read,
and now I'm back on the job.
Hurray!
Hey, so what are you gonna do now?
Now? Well...
I, uh, I think I'll get in the bathtub
and then curl up with a good book.
- And so today, South Park held a parade
to honor Officer Barbrady
and his heroic work on the chicken case.
Thank you, everybody, thank you!
Speech, speech! - What?
They want you to give a speech, Officer Barbrady,
about the whole experience over the last couple of days.
Oh, okay.
Well, first of all
I'd like to thank the town of South Park,
the town that bore me
and eventually will rob me of my life precious.
Second, I'd like to say to all those out there
who think they can screw chickens
just to teach people to read,
your days are numbered!
And finally I'd like to say
that reading totally sucks ass.
Hurray!
Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read.
It seemed exciting and magical,
but then I read this,
"Atlas Shrugged", by Ayn Rand.
I read every last word of this garbage
and because of this piece of shit
I'm never reading again!
Hurray for Barbrady!
Wow, I guess reading really does suck ass.
Hey, that's what I've been saying all along, you guys.
I'm just glad everything turned out okay,
and Barbrady got his job back.
It's poetic justice.
Thanks, boys.