♪ Dog dance, dog dance, doing the dog dance ♪
♪ Dog dance, dog dance ♪
♪ If you want your medicine, do the dog dance ♪
♪ Dog dance, dog dance ♪
Oh, hello, back already?
Well, as you can see,
that episode is what we in the business refer to
as a "cliffhanger".
To find out who Cartman's father was,
we told viewers to tune in four weeks later.
Well, four weeks later just happened to be
April Fools' Day, and so we thought it would be fun
to not air the cliffhanger payoff
but instead air something
completely irrelevant and stupid:
A full half-hour Terrance and Phillip episode.
And the viewers responded splendidly.
We even saved some of their comments
on our office answering machine.
I'm gonna come down there and cut off your testicles.
And I'm never watching "South Park" again.
You think you're funny
not telling us who Cartman's father is?
I hope you both die.
I can't go on not knowing who Cartman's father is.
I just can't. I can't go--
Now can I have my medication?
Dude, do the dog dance some more.
Dog dance. Bow-bow, bow-wow.
Yeah, beep like-- beep like a Jeep.
- Beep beep, beep beep. - Do a puffer fish.
Puff, puff, pfffff.
I'll swim. I'll do fish dance.
Yeah, yeah. You want your medicine?
Here, go get it. Go get it.
Oh, no. You guys are jerks.
Hello.
- What a grump. - Jeez, Mr. Grumpy Pants.
Well, after the Terrance and Phillip episode,
which honestly really is Matt and I's favorite episode,
we finally aired the episode you're about to see.
It's called, "Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut."
Previously on "South Park"...
an air of sobriety fills the laboratories.
The men of South Park gather to find out
which one of them fathered this boy.
Who is Eric Cartman's father?
At the end of tonight's episode,
you will know the answer.
♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
And now, to continue...
The father is indeed someone in this room.
Man, this feels like the longest minute of my life.
Oh, hey Kenny.
Gentlemen, the father is...
Hey, what the hell's going on?
It's a power outage.
Is everybody okay?
That sounded like a gunshot.
Oh my God, look!
You bastards!
Mofesto's been shot!
Is he... Dead?
Hey, this window is shot out, too.
That means the killer was not somebody in this room.
Then who was it?
Who shot Mofesto?
Was it the school counselor?
Or was it Miss Crabtree...?
Hey, wait a minute.
I didn't find out who my father was!
Or was it Miss Broflovski?
Wait, he's still breathing, he's not dead.
Godammit, who's my father?
We have to get him to the hospital.
You've gotta be kidding me!
Come on, children.
That poor kid.
It must be hell for him going through all this.
There's a murderer free in South Park!
We have to find out who it is
before they kill again!
Yeah, God only knows who they'll kill next.
Who will they kill next?
Will it be Jimbo, Barbrady,
the Denver Broncos?
Is he awake yet?
He's bleeding pretty bad back here.
Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter-Birney
memorial towel!
What's a Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel?
I was actually with Meredith Baxter-Birney
in this very car.
And afterwards we used that towel to...
Wait a minute, why am I telling you this?
Could you pull over so I can get out?
What, we have to get to the hospital.
I have to get out first.
I'm not gonna make it, I can't stand hospitals.
Sorry Stan,
we just got to drop Mofesto
and then we can get out of there, alright?
Man, it's really starting to snow.
I hope they don't close the roads.
They can't, Mofesto can't die.
Maybe it's better you don't know who your father is, Cartman.
No way dude,
I can't stand to leave things unfinished.
It's like when you hear the first part of that song,
"Come Sail Away" by Styx.
If I hear the first part of that song,
I have to finish it.
Really?
Yeah, I can't do anything until it's done.
♪ I'm sailing away ♪
No, don't!
♪ Set an open course, for the virgin sea ♪
Whoa, dude!
What are we gonna do, mayor?
This killer is on the loose.
We can't even leave our homes
for fear of our children's safety!
Uhh, where are our children?
Officer Barbrady,
let's pretend for one second
that we had a competent law enforcer in this town,
what would he do?
Hmm, that's a good question, mayor.
Let me get right on that with thinking.
Mayor, mayor!
The press is here.
My name is Sid Greenfield,
I'm the director from Los Angeles
for "America's Most Wanted".
You certainly made it up here quickly.
We're desperate for stories.
And this one is so compelling.
Really?
Sure, this story has everything--
people, furniture, talking, it's a real American story.
I thought of something.
No, wait, that's subtraction.
Mr. Director Person,
what exactly do you want to do?
Mayor, shouldn't we be focusing...
Shh.
We just want to do a re-creation
of the story for our show.
Then we'll flash a number on the screen
that people can call if they have any information
regarding the identity or location of the shooter.
That's it.
You win, we win, America wins.
Are you sure this wouldn't make our little town
look dangerous?
Don't worry, mayor.
"America's Most Wanted" is not about violence,
it's about family.
It is?
Well, in that case, I guess it's okay.
Great, we'll get started with auditions immediately.
What part should we cast first?
Who will the director cast first?
Will it be Mr. Garrison, Officer Barbrady, Chef?
I want to have an abortion.
Well, we can do that.
This must be a very difficult time for you, Mrs...
Cartman, yes, it's such a hard decision but,
I just don't feel like I can raise a child
in this screwy world.
Yes, Miss Cartman,
if you don't feel fit to raise a child,
an abortion is probably the answer.
Do you know the actual time of conception?
About eight years ago.
I see, so the fetus is...?
Eight years old.
Miss Cartman,
eight years old is a little late
to be considering abortion.
Really?
Yes, this is what we would refer to
as the 40th trimester!
I just don't think I'm a fit mother.
We prefer to abort babies a little earlier on.
In fact, there's a law against abortions
after the second trimester.
Well, I think you need to keep your laws
off of my body!
Hmm, I'm afraid I can't help you, Miss Cartman.
If you want to change the law
you'll have to speak with your congressman.
Well, that's exactly what I intend to do.
Good day!
Come on children, we gotta find a doctor.
I can't do it, dude.
Come on, Stan,
hospitals aren't all that bad.
Yeah, stop being a wuss.
Doctor!
One minute, please.
Nurse, I need 20 ccs of sodium pentathol, stat!
Whoa dude, she doesn't have any arms.
We're an equal opportunity employer here, son.
Doctor, we've got a shot cracker outside.
I'll be right with you
after I inject this man with a long needle.
Oh man, I'm gonna be sick.
There, there, young man,
medical science is nothing to be afraid of.
I think you're hitting the bone.
Yes, I can hear the needle scraping
against the bone inside.
Oops, he's hemorrhaging.
Oops, his head fell off.
I'm getting out of here.
Stan!
Some people just have a weak stomach.
And the father of Eric Cartman is...
Bang, oh!
Jiminy, I've been shot.
Thank you very much, we'll get back to you.
I think I've seen enough genetic engineers.
Let's move on to the auditions
for the part of Mr. Garrison.
Call the Mr. Garrison auditions.
Boy, I sure hope I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Alright, not bad.
Let's keep them on the top pile, next!
I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Thank you, next!
What?
Next!
I sure hope I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Perfect! You got it.
Let's move on to the Chefs.
And so, you see, Congressman O'Reilly,
that's why I think
abortion laws should be changed.
Well, all I know is that
third trimester abortions are illegal.
I don't really know anything about 40th.
But the person at "Unplanned Parenthood"
said you were who I had to talk to
about changing the law.
No, I think you've got to talk to the governor
about that stuff.
Oh, dear.
Well, this is about all I can do for him.
Can't you get him to talk?
I have to know who my father is!
Sorry son, it might be a while.
Wake up, you son-of-a-bitch!
Whoa!
Now son, that's not gonna do him any good.
I'll let you know if there's a change in his condition.
I can't wait anymore.
What am I supposed to do?
Hey Cartman!
What?
♪ I'm sailing... ♪
♪ Away ♪
Okay, let's get out of here, now.
I don't know if that's gonna be too easy.
My God, that's a helluva storm.
Weak.
God, I hate mountains.
This better not push back our shooting schedule.
Okay people, let's rehearse the reenactment
from the top before we shoot it.
Who's that?
That's TV's Eric Roberts.
We were able to get him to play the part
of the little monkey guy.
Oh, talk about washed up, huh?
Great to have you, Eric.
Here we go and action!
I want to announce who the father is.
Bang.
I've been shot.
Nobody move, I'm a law officer.
My God, I think he's gone into cardiac arrest.
You seem somewhat unnerved by this Chef.
Are you accusing me, Barbrady?
Because if you are, accuse!
Don't hide behind your clever riddles!
Our differences must be set aside for now, Mr. Chef.
I'm simply a man,
a man trying to do my job.
Wow, this is a good movie.
Dude, when can we get out of here?
Doctor, I can't focus.
We're doing the best we can, ma'am.
They've closed the pass
so none of the other doctors can get through.
For now, it's just me and Nurse Goodly.
Wait a second, they've closed the pass?
Yes, I'm afraid we're critically understaffed.
Unless we get help soon,
all these people in here are completely fucked.
Metaphorically speaking, that is.
What about Mofesto?
Are you taking care of him?
He's on full life-support and breathing fine.
He shouldn't need any help.
So long as the power doesn't go out.
Who didn't see that coming a mile away, huh?
Tonight on "America's Most Wanted",
a shooter is on the loose on Colorado,
and the residents are up in arms!
Here's your host John Walsh.
Good evening and welcome to "America's Most Wanted".
Tonight, terror invaded the small mountain community
of South Park, Colorado.
When Dr. Alfonse Mofesto was gunned down
in his laboratory,
"America's Most Wanted" has reconstructed this heinous crime
in hopes that your calls can help solve the case.
I've been shot.
My God Mr. Hat, get some help!
Right away, Mr. Garrison!
No, no, my lifetime partner and friend,
gone, taken away in the wink of an eye...
What the...
Eric Roberts is improv-ing lines again.
I'm gonna get the man to a hospital.
Who will help me?
This is not a world I want to live in...
What the hell is this?
We've lost the feed to L.A.
Uh, we seem to have lost our link up
to the South Park crew.
So I guess we'll be going to our feature movie,
"Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"
Who framed Roger Rabbit?
Was it Jimbo, Mr. Garrison, Chef?
Somebody go see why we lost the hook up.
Holy smokes, that blizzard is getting crazy.
Don't panic, anybody,
the power lines are down
but the back-up generator is running just fine.
Nurse, I could use some help in here.
Coming.
Lady, is Mofesto gonna be okay?
Yes, for now,
but I'm afraid the generator won't run for long.
The batteries run out in half an hour.
Time is very short.
Nurse, please, I need another pair of hands in here.
Sorry.
Don't you see governor,
I should have a right to have an abortion
if I want one.
Well, I don't know.
I might need some more convincing.
I mean, what right do I have
bringing another child
into this over-populated world?
Then again, I should have thought of that
before having sex. Then again --
Oh, I just don't know.
Please Mr. Chef.
I have over 100 people to tend to here.
And only myself and Nurse Goodly.
What do you want me to do?
Do you know anything about surgery?
I used to watch "Quincy".
What, why the hell didn't you say so?
Put on some scrubs!
Boys, I'm making you all honorary doctors.
You can help us save these people's lives.
No way, dude!
Well, we're not going anywhere for a long time.
We're snowed in?
Yes, we're trapped.
Like sailors on a submarine.
My God, this is the worse storm I've ever seen.
Oh, I have to get out of here.
I haven't eaten since breakfast.
Yeah, I'm getting hungry, too.
I hope you all realize
what we might be facing here.
Our only option might be to eat each other
to stay alive.
It's only been, like, four hours.
Aren't you resorting to cannibalism
a little quickly?
That's the law of land, Mr. Director!
I know it ain't pretty but if a few of us must die
so the rest can stay alive, so be it.
But how do we decide who?
Well, we draw straws.
Now, wait a minute, we all had a big breakfast.
Can't you people go without eating for a little while?!
Calm down, soldier!
We need every person here to keep his head.
Barbrady, fetch some straws.
Well, who the hell made you the boss anyway?
Who the hell made Jimbo boss?
Was it Barbrady, Chef, Mr...
This man's appendix has burst!
I have no choice but to operate now
with our limited power.
I need you all to be strong for me.
Nurse Goodly will take care of the anesthesia.
Chef, you act as her arms.
Boys, you have to help with suction and bandages.
Ready?
No.
I'll make an incision over the heart.
Oh, boy.
Dude! You barfed into the incision.
Sweet!
Suction!
Hey, they're screwing with the lights.
Who is screwing with the lights?
Is it Barbrady, or Jimbo,
or the 1991 Denver Broncos?
That is really starting to piss me off.
Alright, so far,
everybody has a long piece of straw.
We'll keep drawing.
Whew!
Wait a minute.
Where the hell is the short one?
The short what?
Dammit, Barbrady!
When you draw straws
you're supposed to have one of them short!
That's how you decide who loses.
That's not how I played it.
Ugh, could we hurry this up, my stomach is growling.
I found a map that shows the location
of a back-up generator.
Apparently they built self sustaining generator
for just this kind of emergency.
But it's out and away from the hospital.
So how do we get to it?
We must split up into two teams.
Team "A" and team "B".
Team "A" will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle,
Eric, Chef and Nurse Goodly.
Team "B" will consist of Kenny.
Now listen closely team "B".
Your goal will be to turn on the back-up generator.
To do this you must brave the storm outside
and get into this sewage duct.
Meanwhile, team "A" will go to the holding area here
where there is a television and some cocoa.
We will drink the cocoa and watch family programming
until team "B" makes it through the sewage duct.
By that time, team "B" -
remember, that's you, Kenny -
should reach the outer core of the generator.
It will be a cold and dangerous climb to the top.
And there could velociraptors here.
Once you reach the top,
you should be able to get a clear view
through this window of us,
drinking cocoa and watching television.
Then you can proceed down into the generator
and power it on.
Are there any questions?
No, that sounds pretty sweet to me.
Right, then let's do it.
Go team.
I can't... go on...
...so hungry.
We're all going to die in this horrible place.
We have to have the energy to make it through the night.
We have to eat.
How can we?
How can we live with ourselves?
There's only one answer.
Eat Eric Roberts!
Yes, of course,
Nobody gives a shit about Eric Roberts.
Eat Eric Roberts!
No! No, please!
well, there's no going back now,
We're cannibals, God save us.
God wants you to live, mayor, fight.
I have to admit, Eric Roberts
was much juicier than I expected.
This snow just isn't letting up.
We're gonna die here, I know it!
What time is it, Barbrady?
It's almost midnight.
Oh, I can't go on.
We'll give the storm another hour.
After that we might have to eat again.
What?
Christ, are you people diabetic or something?
Team "B", come in team "B".
Listen team "B",
we found another path to the generator.
There's actually a nice heated walkway to it,
so you don't need to walk through all that sewage.
Oh, well forget I said that then.
Listen team "B", you should be seeing
a large drift of snow with some metal
sticking out of it just to your left.
Good, head towards it.
Team "A" out.
What if Mofesto never wakes up?
And I never find out who my father is?
My God, what a harrowing tale
of human drama this is!
All of us doing what we must to survive.
It is amazing what people can do under stress.
Just look at the pyramids.
Nobody knows how they built those,
or who.
Who built the pyramids?
Was it the Babylonians?
Officer Barbrady?
Samaritans?
Roger, team "B".
He's reached the back-up generator.
Team "B", can you see the two copper nodes?
Good.
Now is there a wire connecting them?
Damn, the wire connecting the nodes is gone.
We need to complete the circuit between them
or we're screwed.
Do you have any wire here?
There's no time.
Once these lights flicker out
all these patients on life support are gonna die.
No Kenny, you can't.
There must be some other way.
He's gonna make the connection
himself with his hands.
No, he'll die.
Go Kenny!
Kenny, no!
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny.
You bastards!
The power!
Quickly, get the scanner running again.
We've got a chance now.
Well, okay, Mrs. Cartman,
I'll legalize 40th trimester abortions for you.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
We'll have the pregnancy terminated immediately.
Terminated?
Yes, that's what an abortion is.
No, I didn't mean that.
I meant the other thing you can do.
What's that other "a" word?
Adoption?
Yes, that's what I mean,
adoption.
Well, that's pretty different.
Oh, I should just tell my son the truth
about everything myself.
Good day, Mr. President.
Well, we made it.
The power is on, the snow is melting,
and your friend Mofesto is doing fine.
Where, where am I?
You're at the hospital, Mr. Mofesto.
You were shot.
Now, we don't know who tried to shoot you, but--
Oh, I'm sure it was my brother again.
He tries to shoot me every month.
Oh.
Where's the little fat boy?
He'll be delighted that Mofesto is awake.
He went off looking for Mr. Kenny.
He was a good friend and I'll miss him.
He was very brave.
He risked his life so that Mofesto can live.
Yeah and now he's a freezy-pop.
Dude, do you think if we hit him with a shovel
he'd shatter?
I don't know! Let's find out.
It's over.
We're free.
Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison?
At what cost?
Listen everybody,
we did what we had to in there.
But, how will we live with ourselves now?
One day at a time, mayor,
one day at a time.
♪ Ave Maria ♪
Well, I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggie bag.
Does anybody else want some?
I'm glad you could all come.
I can finally reveal
who the father of Eric Cartman is.
But first I want to thank Kenny McCormick
for sacrificing his life...
Just tell us, already!
Alright, alright.
The father of Eric Cartman is...
Say did anybody see that
Therrance and Phillip special last month?
Wasn't that just the funniest...
Stop it, tell me who my father is!!!
As I said before,
the father is somebody in this room.
The father is...
Mrs. Cartman.
What?
Yes, it's true.
No, that doesn't make sense.
Yes, it took quite a while for me
to understand as well.
You see, Mrs. Cartman is a hermaphrodite.
Meaning what?
Meaning that she has both male and female genitals.
It's true.
You mean at the drunken barn dance
when we all got together with her,
She was a he?
No, no, not exactly, but she did have a penis.
The fact of the matter is hermaphrodites
cannot bear children,
So Miss Cartman's DNA match with Eric
can only mean that she is his father
and she got another woman pregnant
at the drunken barn dance.
Oh man, this is weak.
Dude, you're a big fat ass
and your mom's a hermapholite.
I'm sorry I never told you, Eric.
I just thought
maybe it would be a little shocking to you.
Oh wow, gee whiz, you think so, Mom?
Well, that's that. Thank you all for playing.
No, no, wait a minute.
If she's my dad, then who's my mom?
Who is Eric Cartman's mother?
Is it Mrs. Crabtree?
Sheila Broflovski?
The mayor?
Oh, forget it!