# #
# I'm goin' down to South Park #
# Gonna have myself a time #
# Friendly faces everywhere #
# Humble folks without temptation #
# I'm goin' down to South Park #
# Gonna leave my woes behind #
# Ample parking day or night #
# People spouting, "howdy neighbor" #
# Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind #
# #
# Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine #
Yeah, yeah, do we rock?
Yeah, yeah, take it to the top.
Yeah, yeah, are we gonna stop?
No way. No way.
Cheer squad roll call!
- Heidi! - Nicole!
- Bebe! - Lola!
- Red! - Annie!
Lisa Berger.
- Oh, god. - Here we go.
- Ugh. - Could we maybe try one
without Lisa Berger?
You guys, stop it.
Okay, Lisa, that's great,
but you need to have some more confidence, okay?
- But I'm the fat one. - What?
Every cheerleading squad has the fat, ugly cheerleader,
and that's me.
See, that's the problem, Lisa.
You have a bad self image.
Just project all your sassiness to all the boys out there, okay?
There's only one boy that Lisa cares about.
Yeah, Lisa has a crush on Butters.
Shut up!
But, Lisa, that's great.
Have you told Butters that you like him?
No way. I'd just get made fun of.
Lisa, this is exactly what you need.
Take Butters to see a movie or something.
It'll do wonders for your confidence.
So then, uh, the fella with the moustache
eats all the cupcakes, and the lady takes out a gun
and puts it in his face, and she says-
- Uh, excuse me, Butters?
Oh, yes?
Um, well...
I was just wondering if maybe
you would like to go to a movie this weekend.
Oh. Oh, like a date?
Oh, no thanks, Lisa.
I really appreciate the offer,
but you're too fat for me.
Okay, thanks.
See ya, Lisa!
Ha ha, Butters got asked out by a fat girl.
At least she didn't try to sit on him.
You guys, come on, that's not cool.
You shouldn't rip on her because she's fat.
You should rip on her because she's ugly, okay?
She looks like someone hit her in the face with a hot shovel,
and that's why she sucks, all right?
# Camptown ladies sing this song #
# Doo daa doo daa #
# Camptown race is five miles long #
# Oh doo daa day #
What the fuck is your problem?
Oh, hey, Wendy.
Are you just an asshole? Is that it?
- Am I just an asshole? - Yeah!
Well, no, I've got arms and legs, I have everything.
Lisa Berger asks you out, and you call her fat?
Do you have any idea how you made her feel?
She's a really nice girl.
I think she's a nice girl too. She's just too big for me.
She's a little overweight, but that's pretty normal
for a girl in the fourth grade.
Well, Kim Kardashian is skinny,
and she just had a baby!
- What? - I'm sorry, Wendy,
but I have a different standard when it comes to my women.
I want a woman who takes care of herself
and knows how to look good.
Who's got perfect skin,
and no splotches on her legs, and perfect everything.
This is a fantasy, you moron.
You ever heard of Photoshop?
Kim Kardashian is a short, overweight woman
who manipulates her image
and makes average girls feel horrible about themselves.
- You're a liar! - Look it up, stupid.
In real life, Kim Kardashian has the body of a hobbit.
You're gonna be in real trouble
when the teachers find out what you said
to that poor girl.
Uh, take a seat, Wendy.
I guess some mean things were said,
and I need to get to the bottom of it.
Oh, good. Lisa Berger told on you?
Good. Uh, no, Wendy,
apparently, you called Butters' girlfriend a hobbit.
- Are you serious? - You did!
You said Kim is short, fat, and hairy, with big feet,
and she's a hobbit! That's not his girlfriend.
It's Kim Kardashian.
But-but, Wendy, Kim Kardashian
is considered to be extremely beautiful, mkay?
Right, but she's not in real life.
She's a hobbit. Oh, she said it again!
Now, Wendy, Kim might be full figured,
but a woman's outward appearance isn't all that matters, mkay?
Have you stopped to consider that maybe,
just maybe you're jel?
I am not "jel," and I happen to be
the biggest feminist at this school.
That may be true,
but there is a very fine line, Wendy,
between being a feminist and being a hater, mkay?
And you're gonna have to find that line,
because nobody likes a girl who's jelly.
Okay, kids, there have been some hurtful and hateful things
being said around this school,
and so we are gonna hear from a guest speaker.
Here to explain why Kim Kardashian is not a hobbit,
please welcome Aquaman.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh, that's right.
Uh-oh.
Okay, first of all, I am not Aquaman.
I am a recovering gay fish.
Yes, I have met Aquaman, I have hung out with Aquaman,
but the only thing I have in common with Aquaman anymore
is my love for the sea.
Now...
There have been malicious rumors
started at this elementary school
that my beautiful fiancee is a hobbit.
That is not funny, and it is not true.
All right?
Yes, Kim is heavier than most of her pictures show her to be.
Yes, she gets her hair Iasered off her body.
Yes, she has a friend named Gandalf
who happens to be a wizard.
I'm sorry. Excuse me a minute.
Bitch, how you not the hobbit again?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.
Right, right, right, right, right, yeah.
Okay, yep. Yep, let me-okay.
Yep, I got it. Okay, love you too.
Okay, if my fiancee Kim is a hobbit,
then how come it- uh, how-then-
Okay, if she is a hobbit, then how come
she don't live in a hole in the ground?
Boom! Aw, y'all just got lit up, cup!
She don't live in no hole in the ground.
She lives in a big-ass mansion with me,
in her room that is slightly below ground.
So you can-
She-she is sexy and womanly,
and she smokes a pipe. She can blow them rings
that go up over her head, and-
Hold up.
Bitch, you not a hobbit, right?
No, I know, you just-
you smoke that long pipe sometimes
when you sit by the fire.
Oh, it's a- oh, okay, got it.
What do you call it? Yep, yep, got it.
Okay, yep, love you too.
That is not a hobbit pipe, for your information.
It is a personal oral humidifier
to keep all the wrinkles around her mouth from showing.
So ha, ha, all you haters, ha!
Butters, Butters, come here for a sec.
Oh, no, you don't, Wendy.
You're not trapping me inside the computer lab to beat me up.
Butters, would you please let me show you something
so we can put this behind us?
All right, but if you try to punch me,
I'll scream.
I want you to see just how easy this is,
so we can better understand each other.
This is Lisa Berger's class photo, right?
- Okay. - Now, first thing we do
is just photoshop the bulges on her sides.
We select the eyes, make them a nicer shape.
Take off any blemishes on the skin.
Lengthen the neck. Add more to the hair.
Select the lips. Make them fuller.
Take out any puffiness on the skin here.
Add fullness to the breasts, lengthen the torso.
Take away that fold of skin.
Streamline the shoulders. Put highlights in the eyes.
And there.
That's Lisa Berger?
Do you see what I'm talking about?
She's pretty!
That's how people like Kim Kardashian
destroy the self image of little girls everywhere.
Hold on. Are you saying that girl
wants to go out with me?
What- what do you mean?
And I said no?
Oh, man, I gotta upload this,
and then go buy her some flowers,
and then go tell her I love her.
Butters!
Lisa? Lisa Berger?
Anybody seen Lisa Berger?
Oh, hey, Eric, have you seen Lisa Berger anywhere?
I saw that picture of her you put on the internet.
I know! I'm gonna tell her I love her,
and we're gonna be together and be happy forever.
Uh, Butters, I don't know how to tell you this,
but Lisa Berger is going out with Clyde.
What? Since when?
Dude, since, like, noon or 12:30 today.
Hey, Token, Token. Check out my girlfriend.
Wow, she's hot.
Yeah, we just started dating seriously.
You wanna meet my new girlfriend, Tweek?
- Oh, man, you're a lucky guy. - Yeah, I know.
Hey, Clyde, nice score, dude.
Yeah.
Oh, thanks, guys.
Hey, Stan, did you see Clyde's going out
with Lisa Berger?
Yeah, dude, she looks amazing.
Clyde sent me her pics.
She got really hot all of a sudden.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind t-tappin' that ass.
- Excuse me. - Oh, hey, Wendy.
Clyde sent me these. Don't be jel.
Why would I be jel?
Well, you got to admit, Lisa Berger's pretty hot, Wendy.
She's not hot! That's supposed to be the point.
She looks pretty hot here.
Lisa Berger is not hot. She's fat and ugly.
That's not very nice, Wendy.
What's your problem, Wendy?
I'm sorry. It's nothing personal, Lisa.
You're just a hater. Why don't you
mind your own business instead of being jelly?
I am not jelly!
I made that picture of you to prove a point,
and it's being taken the wrong way.
It's okay, babe, girls that don't have
what you have are always gonna put you down.
Thanks, babe.
Now, Wendy, I have tried to be patient with you
because you've always been a good student, mkay?
But calling a little girl "fat and ugly" is never mkay.
Mr. Mackey, I was trying to show kids that-
- No! No excuses!
You have a problem being jelly, Wendy, mkay?
Just maybe I should have you sent off to jelly school.
- Jelly school? - That's right.
In fact, I'm gonna call the jelly school right now.
Mkay, I'm sorry about this, but it's gone too far.
I've had it.
Hello, is this the jelly school?
Mkay, I have a girl here who's extremely jelly.
I was seeing if you could take her in for a few weeks.
Mkay, you're full?
Okay, yeah, I guess she dodged a bullet this time,
but she better watch her jelly behavior.
Mr. Mackey, I appreciate the point you're trying to make.
You-you do?
Mkay, well, I'm not actually on the phone
with a jelly school, Wendy, mkay?
Yes. I'm-
I'm a few steps ahead of that, yes.
Mkay, well, Wendy, I'm just trying to, uh-
Oh, bye, jelly school.
Uh, Wendy, I'm just trying to make you understand
how serious it is when you lash out at other girls.
Thank you, Mr. Mackey. I will change.
Mkay.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it is my honor to give the Person of the Year award
to this year's winner...
Pope Francis.
Gracias, gracias, all of my children.
All right, hold up. Hold up.
I'm sorry, Pope, but hold up.
I just gotta say this-
if my fiancee is a hobbit,
then, uh-
Then what, bitch?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, if she was-
if she is a hobbit,
then how come she don't turn blue
when goblins are near?
Oh, you didn't think of that!
Oh, I guess she's not a hobbit then.
She must be a beautiful, sexy woman.
The hobbit doesn't turn blue around goblins.
Just his sword does.
Man, get the fuck out of here,
you hobbit trivia bitch!
Who the fuck asked you?
Nobody is talking any more shit about my woman, all right?
She is gorgeous.
If she was here, you could all see for yourself
how beautiful she is, but she can't be here
because she has a movie coming out on Friday,
directed by Peter Jackson, called The Hobbit!
Hold up.
Bitch, that movie you got coming out is called The Hobbit?
Yeah, but it- It's what?
Oh, yeah, yep, yeah, I got it, yep.
Yep, let me tell 'em.
Love you too.
Kim is not even in that movie.
That movie is just loosely based on her television show,
Keeping Up with the Kardashians,
which is a show about short, loud, little people
living in a fantasy world.
Hold up.
Bitch, if you the hobbit, you need to let me know right now,
because I'm making a fool of myself out here.
Yeah, yeah, do we rock?
Yeah, yeah, take it to the top.
Yeah, yeah, are we gonna stop?
No way. No way.
Cheer squad roll call!
- Heidi! - Nicole!
- Bebe! - Lola!
- Red! - Annie!
Lisa Berger!
And I'm your captain, Wendy!
Look, Wendy, we are all very happy for Lisa, okay?
Nobody here is jelly.
But the boys aren't even noticing the rest of us anymore.
All we're asking is that you do for us
what you did for Lisa, and help with our imperfections.
I won't do it, you guys. I'm sorry.
Why? Don't you care about us?
Because it's wrong.
If you guys aren't happy with the way you look,
then that's your problem.
Hey, girls.
Don't be sad.
If you want to look really hot like me,
you just gotta be willing to sweat.
Get down to the gym and work.
# #
All right, girls, we're gonna trim that fat
and tone those bodies.
Let's do this. You first.
# #
Get right up there.
All right, now, look here.
# #
Come on! Burn it off!
You got this!
# You wanna look pretty? #
# You want a boyfriend? #
# You want a nice ass? #
# Better work out, slut #
# #
# You want nice things? #
# You want boys to give you nice things? #
# You better work out, slut #
Look at those thighs. Come on, you gotta push harder!
# Now, get to work, slut #
# Party in the cookie trough #
# You better work out, whore #
Wow.
- Wow, she looks great. - Whoa, look at Bebe.
I had no idea Bebe was that hot.
Yeah, but did you see Token's girlfriend?
Wow.
My bitch is still the hottest, you guys.
No way, go back to Annie Nelson.
She's built like a Slim Jim.
Yeah, clearly Annie Nelson
is the hottest girl at our school.
Look at those eyes.
Did you not see Erica Smith's boobs, Kyle?
They're like perfect water balloons.
I do love water balloons.
Hey, Wendy, could I ask you a big favor?
- What? - A lot of the pictures
I have of you are kind of outdated,
and, you know, I want to be able
to show everyone how pretty you are-
- So you want a photoshopped picture of me
to take away any imperfections, is that it?
How dare you, Stan!
Wendy, why is it such a big deal?
Because people should be okay with the way they look.
I have pimples on my forehead. My bottom teeth are crooked.
So what? You have short legs.
- I do? - Yeah,
and Jason has freckles,
and Billy Turner has narrow shoulders.
The cheerleaders- Bebe has acne.
Lola's arms are too short, Nicole's eyes are puffy,
Annie has thin hair, and Heidi Turner's butt is flat!
Oh, God damn it.
You hater!
Wendy, in my office right now, mkay!
Oh, yeah, babe. Oh, yeah, baby.
# One thing I know, my girl ain't no hobbit #
# She might be stumpy, that don't mean she a hobbit #
# She's not a hobbit 'cause she couldn't be #
# She got no Bagginses in her family tree #
# Yes, on occasion she hangs out with her dwarf friends #
# But she never went on no quest #
# With her dwarf friends #
# Except for one time, she went to kill that dragon #
# She took his gold and she-#
Hang on a minute, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Bitch, remember when you went off
to kill that dragon with them dwarves?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Right, right, right, yep. Yep, I got it.
Yep, love you too.
# It wasn't no dragon, so my girl ain't no hobbit #
# That was a Quiznos and my bitch went to rob it #
# 'Cause they got that ham that she rubs on her cellulite #
# While she drinkin' her grog and singin' those merry songs #
# At night #
# My girl ain't no hobbit #
# Please God, tell me I'm not engaged to no hobbit #
# Kim is not a hobbit #
Who are you yelling for? South Park!
Let's go, Cows! Who are you yelling for?
South Park! Let's go, Cows!
- Heidi! - Nicole!
- Bebe! - Lola!
- Red! - Annie!
Lisa Berger!
Wendy.
- Ugh. - She sucks.
- Oh, god! - Ugh!
Can we try this without Wendy?
- I agree. - Hey, come on, you guys.
She just needs more confidence.
It's okay, Wendy.
Who cares if no one likes you?
Maybe you should go out with Butters.
Let's just get back to cheering, okay?
I don't think so. We don't want to cheer
with a hater. Yeah,
you have a bad self image, Wendy.
You need to get down to the gym and get a better one.
- Yeah! - That's right!
See, the problem with having fake pictures of yourself
is that you start to believe in your own bullshit!
This has gone way too far,
and if society won't fix it, I will!
What're you gonna do?
Something that should've been done a long time ago.
It's the morning news with Tom and Tammy Thompson.
A little girl is making big waves
with her fight against Photoshop.
Nine-year-old Wendy Testaburger
has started a campaign,
and tomorrow, will speak before the state senate
to ban the use of photoshopped images,
saying they're harmful to young girls.
Young lady, what is your message?
Watching what Photoshop is doing to society,
little girls are aspiring to have bodies
they can't possibly have!
We have to put a stop to it.
And you're not just being a hater?
No.
'Cause sometimes girls who aren't well-liked,
you know, lash out at pretty and popular girls.
Are you well-liked at your school?
Not lately, no.
Uh-huh. But you're not being jelly?
No, that has nothing to do with me
wanting to protest against photoshopped images.
Okay, because I do understand
that the Jelly School in Aurora
is ready to take you in, is that right, Rick?
Tom, I'm standing in front of the Jelly School,
where officials claim they do have room
for this little hater girl.
We're being told if she doesn't stop the-
- That's not a jelly school. That's a Dunkin' Donuts.
Well, okay, but you are a hater.
That's fine!
People can call me whatever names they want to.
I don't care.
There is a cancer in our country,
and I am not going to rest until photoshopped images
are required to be labeled for what they are-fake.
And nothing in this world is going to stop me!
What do you want?
"Once upon a time, there was a little hobbit
"who lived in the forest,
"and all the hobbit ever wanted was to be beautiful.
"And even though she was short and fat and hairy,
"this little hobbit dreamed that one day
she could be pretty like Beyonce."
"And then one day,
"along came a magic powder called 'Photoshop,'
"and just like that-poof- the little hobbit was beautiful.
"And even though she still couldn't sing like Beyonce,
"or dance like Beyonce, or act like Beyonce,
"or be a decent human being like Beyonce,
"the little hobbit was looked up to and loved,
just like Beyonce."
"Soon, she had money and adoration
and a hip-hop fiance who loved her very much-"
I'm sorry, hold up.
Hold up. I'm sorry.
"Everything was good for the hobbit.
"But then this mean little girl called the Jelly Monster,
"she was so jelly of the hobbit
"that she told everyone she was a liar
"and the hobbit's fiance realized she was just a hobbit.
"And you know what he said?
"He said, 'I don't care!'
"And then the Jelly Monster came and tried to take
"the magic powder away from the little hobbit.
"So the hobbit prayed to God, and God said,
"'Don't worry, little hobbit,
"'I will go find this Jelly Monster girl
"and I will read her a story and melt her icy heart.'
"And the hobbit said, 'Thank you.'
"And the hobbit and God lived happily ever after
in the shire forever 'cause I love her so much."
I'm sorry. Hold up.
Hold up. Hold up. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I have been jelly.
So hold up, I'm sorry, it's okay.
Hold up. I'm sorry. No, no, I've been a hater,
and I really am sorry. I'm sorry, that's okay.
I've been jelly before too. I'm sorry.
# #