# I'm goin' down to South Park #
# Gonna have myself a time #
# Friendly faces everywhere #
# Humble folks without temptation #
# I'm goin' down to South Park #
# Gonna leave my woes behind #
# Ample parking day or night #
# People spouting, "Howdy neighbor" #
# Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind #
# #
# Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine #
I am so sick of that stupid bitch.
Blabbing, prissy little skank!
Why do people talk on their phone like that?
I can't even get a minute of peace
before that bitch walks in
holding the cell phone out like this
and talking on speakerphone.
Nobody wants to hear your goddamn conversations,
you little bitch.
You're not that important!
Yeah, no, dude, I'm telling you,
it was the worst pain in my entire life.
How many hours were you guys playing?
Like, six hours, dude,
and my friends were all like, "Dude, Cartman,
we need you to keep playing defense."
- Argh! - You were playing football?
Yeah, but I was like,
"I can't, you guys. I twisted my ankle."
In the end, though, they really needed me to play,
so I just played through the pain, you know what I'm saying?
That is not what happened!
You totally started crying and quit the game!
Kyle, this is a private conversation.
Then take that shit off speakerphone!
Is that that same kid?
Yeah, it's that kid Kyle again.
He's a total boner,
always listening in on my phone calls.
How do we have a choice?
Stop listening to my conversation, Kyle!
What are you, the NSA?
Lawrence, remember I was telling you how the government
listens to everyone's phone calls and reads all our emails?
Yeah, yeah, you said that.
My dad said the government keeps a database on everyone.
- Who is that? Is that Toby? - Yeah.
Dude, Toby, are you over at Lawrence's?
- Yeah, we're ditching school. - You're what? What'd you say?
Me and Toby are ditching school!
I'm telling you guys,
the government thinks they can do whatever they want,
and we don't have any privacy anymore.
Just between you and me, I think everyone's too stupid
to see what this is all leading to.
Did you guys read 1984?
I don't think so.
Yeah, I didn't read it either,
but I saw the puppet show version at Casa Bonita.
We have to do something about this.
We need to organize a rally.
- That'd be cool. - That'd be what?
- It'd be cool! - I know, right?
A big rally to tell the government
to stay out of our private lives!
I'm gonna email everybody and put it up on my blog pages.
I seriously feel like I'm being spied on right now.
I'm sure the government has a file on me a mile long.
That's why this is so important, you know?
Hang on, I'm gonna make a video blog
for my "Stop Listening to Me" website.
What's up, everybody?
It's me again just kicking it at my school.
There's gonna be a big rally to tell the government
to stop gathering information on us.
Gonna tweet you all the details,
but keep quiet 'cause it's top secret.
You guys gonna update your blogs too?
Dude, I really can't hear you, Lawrence.
Are you outside or something?
I said I got your tweet of the address.
Okay, well, put Toby back on the phone.
You got to start Googling everyone
the directions to the rally site.
Toby, you there, bro? Yeah, I'm here, bro.
Bro, you got to, um, email Dex about the rally
and see if he'll bring petition forms.
Will you please take your rally conversation
somewhere else?
Oh, hell no, you did not just invade my privacy again.
That is the last straw, Kyle!
Everybody! Everybody, hey!
Just so you know, we might have an NSA agent
right here at our school.
What's the NSA?
Yeah, just so you know,
the government is watching everything you do-
always watching.
They say it's to keep us safe,
but what price is safety, Kyle?
The government watches everything we do?
Hello?
Hey, government.
It's me, Butters.
I just want to say, well-
well, thanks for watching over me
and doing everything you do.
And please watch over Mommy and Daddy
and my friends, Stan and Kyle, Craig and Token,
and even ol' Eric Cartman.
I know he can be a meanie sometimes,
but please watch over him too.
Good night, government.
Oh, yeah.
And thank you, President Obama,
for making me feel so safe and looked after.
And if it wouldn't be too much trouble,
I'd really like to get a puppy for Christmas this year.
Night, government.
Dude, they have gone too far this time!
There is no doubt the government is tracking me.
We're gonna have to put off the rally.
- They're spying on you? - Yeah, it's right here.
I went to Amazon to see if they had Grand Theft Auto V,
and it says, "You might also be interested
in the Blu-ray for Star Trek."
I'm totally interested in the Blu-ray for Star Trek
How did they know that unless the government
is keeping tabs on me?
This is war, bro.
Forget the rally. We have to go hard-core.
Like what?
All right, listen.
I'm gonna get a job at the NSA,
and then I'm gonna put all their secrets up on Twitter.
Nah, don't do that.
No, dude, I'm gonna sneak into their headquarters
disguised as an employee, and I'm gonna-
Hey, hang on a second, Lawrence.
I think we have a nosy Nancy in the room.
Dude, my Twitter account might already be compromised.
If I'm going to infiltrate the NSA
and get all their secrets out to the public,
then I'm gonna need something better than Twitter.
You need that new thing where you don't need to type.
What, they already have something better than Twitter?
You haven't seen the Alec Baldwin commercial?
No. What Alec Baldwin commercial?
Hello, I'm Alec Baldwin, and I love social media.
But sometimes I accidentally tweet things
that are homophobic.
I don't think that way. I just type that way.
That's when I realized
it wasn't me that was homophobic,
it was my thumbs.
And they needed to be gotten rid of.
Dah! Dow!
So then the problem was, I don't have thumbs,
but I know that everyone in America
still wants to hear everything I have to say.
Well, that's okay, because now there's a device
that can actually take the thoughts in your head
and send them directly to the Internet.
It's called Shitter.
Wires are grafted harmlessly into your skull,
and any thought you have is uploaded to the Internet
and on to all your Shitter followers.
I'm at a Yankees game right now.
God, I love baseball.
People who take their cats on planes should be shot.
I'm at a really great musical right now.
In 1992, I had sex with the queen of Monaco.
I had my entire fist up her ass.
Don't let your social media
slow down your need to communicate with the world.
Go direct from thought to Internet with Shitter.
Just finished my Shitter commercial.
Time to go find a pussy sandwich.
All right, what's up, everybody, what's up?
I'm about ready to go to the NSA undercover
and see if I can expose some of their secrets.
You can follow me on my Shitter account
at #keepthegovernment outofmybusiness.com.
Wait. Shh. I got to be careful.
Kyle is here, and I'm pretty sure he's trying to listen in.
- What the hell are you doing? - Kyle, if you wouldn't mind,
this broadcast is for my Shitter followers only.
- What's Shitter? - Don't know if you've heard,
but the government is actually able to monitor
all our emails and Twitter accounts.
With Shitter, I don't even need a cell phone.
My thoughts are sent directly to the Internet
and then to everyone else on Shitter.
- Wow! - Yes.
Now as I infiltrate the NSA,
I'll be able to broadcast everything
to all my Shitter followers.
You're okay with everything you think
going up on the Internet.
Yeah, because the government won't respect my privacy.
How many people are on Shitter?
Just two so far, me and Alec Baldwin.
I'm about to sit down and eat a sandwich
at this amazing deli run by two faggots in Chelsea.
Oh, kewl.
I'll have to try it out sometime, LOL.
In 1982, I was at a party
at Mike Douglas' house, and I fucked Kim Basinger.
Wow, that's cool. She's cute. Wink emoji.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, they saw me.
They saw me, and they're gonna be so angry.
Maybe they didn't see me. No, no, they saw me.
They see everything.
I did something really bad.
Really, really bad.
Next!
Oh, God.
But my parents always told me, "If you do something horrible,
"then you have to admit it to your protector
so that you can have forgiveness."
Are these people nice?
DMV people?
They're the meanest people on planet Earth.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, God! Here we go.
I yelled at a midget.
I was-I was watching MTV,
and this little person was singing a song.
I think her name was Pink.
And I didn't like the song, and so I yelled,
"Hey, get off the TV, you effing midget!"
And I-I was at Barnes & Nobles with my mom.
And while she was looking for a book,
I-I saw this picture of Jennifer Lawrence in a magazine.
Um, and I-well, I cut the picture out of the magazine
while no one was looking.
There's more.
I took the picture home with me, and I-
I cut Jennifer Lawrence's mouth out with scissors,
and then I-I put my wiener through the hole.
I have no idea why! How can I atone for it?
I already said The Pledge of Allegiance 50 times,
and I sang My Country 'Tis of Thee 100 times,
and I watched America's Got Talent twice!
What else can I do?
Why not 1,000 Living in Americas?
Yes. Yes, I will.
Oh, thank you! I will!
Oh, I feel so much better already.
# Living in America, eye to eye #
# Hand to hand, across the nation #
# Smoke, track, fat back, many miles of rail road track #
# Ow, say, ow, ow #
Can I help you, sir?
Yes, I'm here to apply for the NSA job.
All right, and your name?
Bill Clinton.
I don't see you on the list, Mr. Clinton.
Oh, well, must be a clerical mistake,
but they are expecting me.
If you're ever in Los Angeles,
be sure to look up Jennifer Love Hewitt.
She can make a pussy sandwich that will give those faggots
in Chelsea a run for their money.
What have you got, Patricia?
Uh, this man says he has an interview for a job, sir.
I am extremely qualified, sir, and very eager to work.
I borrowed my brother's dick once to fuck Daryl Hannah.
I was, um, sure that the appointment was today.
That's quite all right.
The NSA needs all the help it can get.
Come on upstairs, and I'll show you around,
see if you're fit for the job.
Hello, sir.
My colleague and I are going through the neighborhood
and see if you like to know the truth.
Sure, I love the truth!
Okay, we from Jehovah Witness.
We Kingdom Hall Jehovah Witness,
and we believe, sir, that many people
interpret the Bible wrong.
What's a Jehovah's Witness?
Yes, sir, we believe the- the truth.
I was once like you.
I know not what to believe,
but then I let my provider Jehovah into my heart.
Oh, my goodness.
Your little cartoon has a girl on fire.
Yes, because Jehovah
will bring judgment against all and perish,
like the little girl, will burn in the fire.
Oh, you shouldn't be handing out drawings like this, ma'am.
Well, don't you know that the government is watching you?
The government watching me?
Whazze?
He said the government watching us.
Right now?
How long they been watching us?
Can I ask you something?
When was the last time you went to your local DMV?
I no go DMV. I don't have car.
Oh, you can walk there.
Trust me, you got to go to the DMV.
It's incredible!
See, I was like you once, afraid, unsure,
doing stuff I shouldn't do like showing people pictures
of little girls with their heads on fire.
But you know what I've learned?
That just going to the DMV
and letting go of all my wrongdoings
filled me with a joy I had felt nowhere else.
Would you like to read some DMV literature?
This'll tell you most of what you need to know about the DMV,
but just go.
Everyone there is really nice.
Your government is watching you,
and your government wants you to be happy.
Have a nice day!
Right this way, Bill.
Welcome to the NSA main office.
Ah, yes, so this is where the government
checks up on its citizens.
There's a lot of people working here at the NSA,
good people, people who just want to keep America safe.
Only problem is, checking all those emails,
Twitter accounts, and surveilling
all those phone calls can take a lot of manpower.
- Hey, Joe. - What you got, Miller?
Got a 24-year-old male in Albuquerque.
He just emailed his wife and asked if she
could go to the store after work.
Then he called a fitness center to set up a membership.
He liked the fitness center, so he tweeted his friends
that they should try it out.
All right, keep an eye on him. Let me know if anything changes.
Will do.
It's a never-ending grind here at the NSA,
and it seems there's never enough detectives
to keep track of everyone.
- Sergeant. - What have you got, Lawson?
Got a 17-year-old female down in Jacksonville.
She called her friend and asked if she
wanted to go see the Percy Jackson movie.
Then she emailed her mom at work and asked if it was okay.
The mom said yes but called her husband first
to make sure there weren't any dinner plans.
All right, keep an eye on all three of 'em.
Will do.
If you think you got the stomach for this,
then we could definitely use your help, young man.
Sir, you might want to check this out.
What have you got?
32-year-old pizza delivery man.
He just put on his Twitter account that he hates America
and wants to blow up the Lincoln memorial.
04:16 P.M.
The chief asked me to join him
as he went to question the possible suspect.
I agreed to go along.
Hopefully the NSA has no idea of my secret intentions.
LOL.
Well, well, the NSA. I should've known.
We want to talk to you about some tweets
you've been tweeting.
Hey, man, I was just blowing smoke.
Say, what right does the government have
reading my private emails anyway?
Haven't you squares heard of the Constitution?
Yeah, we've heard of that.
We've also heard of the Declaration of Independence.
See, there's a lot of people out there who think like you,
people who think their government
doesn't have the right to go around
poking their noses in the emails of its citizens.
That is, until a plane flies into a couple towers
and a little girl loses her life.
You want to live in the land of the free
and the home of the brave,
but the brave can't be free if the land isn't home,
and that land won't be home so long as folks out there
want to take that American flag and shove it so far up your anus
that you crap stars and stripes for a week,
and as you're sitting there on the toilet
with the star-spangled Montezuma's revenge,
there's one thing I can guarantee.
Yeah, what's that?
You won't care who's checking your Twitter account then.
I never thought of it that way.
I fucked Jack Lemmon's makeup girl in a Porta Potty. Whoops.
Hey, Phillip, pull my finger.
Hello, Craig!
How would you like to know the truth?
The truth about what?
We're just going through the neighborhood
and seeing if you've accepted the government into your heart.
Uh, no, I don't think so.
My colleague and I, we want to share our experience at DMV.
We went to DMV.
We admit all our shortcoming and sin
and a big tidal wave of peace and serenity
went into the soul and touch our heart.
Okay.
You see, Craig, once I came clean with the government,
I no longer had anything to hide.
Then I found peace.
Have you read any DMV literature?
Uh, no.
Well, there's a lot of interesting stuff
in here, Craig.
There's even some quotes from President Obama.
Could you read this part out loud?
"Your local DMV is funded by your tax dollars
to be efficient and proficious."
Yeah.
What do you think President Obama means when he says that?
I have no idea.
Well, we believe that he means the government loves you,
and it wants to forgive you
if you just let the government into your heart.
Yes, sir. See, I used to be like you.
I go around sending the nasty email,
send the nasty text, put up nasty pictures
on my nasty Facebook,
but then I realize, all these things,
they live forever because the government
keep a file on us.
So all that live forever up in what they call the cloud.
If the government, sir-
if they gonna put the file in the cloud,
then I want to make sure I come clean about the bad ones
and maybe get those things off my record, off the cloud,
because we all live forever in the cloud.
Uh-huh. Did you follow all that, Craig?
I don't really think I followed all that.
I've done it.
I've infiltrated the NSA and gained their trust.
So far I have not ascertained how they are able
to keep track of everyone in the country,
but I'm close, very close.
I just hope that I'm not found out as a whistleblower
before I'm able to expose their entire operation.
What is that voice?
Some little faggot in my head.
Hey, so, um, as I'm going through people's emails
and phone calls, um, how do I know which people to start with?
Pretty simple. Everyone has a file.
People who have a status of threat, possible threat,
or person of interest are the ones
we really want to look at.
The more we pay attention to them,
the bigger their file becomes.
Really? How big is my file?
- Huh? - Uh, that is, uh-
You must have a pretty big file on Eric Cartman.
All his blogs and emails have been watched
for quite some time.
Jarvis, what have we got on an Eric Cartman?
Any files on Eric Cartman?
Oh, yeah, we tracked him for a little bit,
but central computer designated his status
as fat and unimportant.
Uh, trust me, he's not fat and unimportant.
I think we need to change his status to ripped and sweet.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
There's a very important threat to national security.
We need to change Eric Cartman's status.
And that's when I masturbated to Game of Thrones.
I know it was wrong to masturbate,
and I know it was especially wrong
to masturbate while on duty.
What the-
Why do these people keep coming here?
But I am done forever with Game of Thrones.
Forever!
Next please!
Thank you!
Yay!
Congratulations, brother! How do you feel?
I-I feel really good!
Wow, those people over there seem like they're having fun.
I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be
than at the DMV with all you wonderful people.
Now let's all pledge allegiance.
- I pledge allegiance... - To the flag...
What the hell is going on here?
This is the DMV. There will be no joy here.
Uh, people keep showing up
and telling us what they did wrong.
Hey, I'm just trying to renew my license.
How much longer I got to wait?
Shut up!
Sit there and wait, and no cell phones or other things
that pass time joyously!
I'll put a stop to this.
Look, I am telling you that you are making a huge mistake.
Eric Cartman is the NSA's worst nightmare.
Not according to the central computer.
The central computer is wrong. You need to change his status.
Sorry, but if central computer says he's not a threat,
then we can't do anything.
Can't do anything? You're the NSA.
There's 300 million people out there.
How do you think we're able to keep track
of every single person in the country?
How do you think we're able to really know who's doing what?
- I don't know. - All right, I'll show you.
But this is very top security stuff,
because if people knew how we did it,
then everyone would do it, then our enemies would do it.
We can't let our enemies get their hands on this.
Get their hands on what?
Dude.
This is how we know who's a threat and who's not,
how we know who's sleeping and who's awake.
How we know that-
You think I'm fat and unimportant now?
I am Eric Cartman!
And I've got news for you.
This is all being broadcast live on my Twitter zeppelin
and on Alec Baldwin's new television show via Shitter.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to my new show on MSNBC,
Free Pass with Alec Baldwin.
Your secret is out, NSA.
And now that everyone knows what you're doing to Santa,
you can kiss your program good-bye.
You should have taken me down when you had the chance.
Now everyone knows the truth,
and everyone's gonna think I'm super cool.
Eric, honey, what's the matter?
It didn't work, Mom.
I infiltrated the NSA, and I was a whistleblower,
and I thought everyone would be super pissed off
at what I exposed about the government,
but nobody cares!
Nobody cares that the government is listening in on everything.
Nobody cares that Santa Claus
is hooked up to a big, horrible machine!
I know that the NSA is torturing Santa, sweetie,
but they're keeping us safe.
No, now you just sound like everybody else!
Honey, it's okay.
It's not gonna be okay because now I'm a whistleblower
against my country, and I'm gonna have to hide out
in Russia!
No, you don't have to fly to Russia, hon.
I do too.
No, it'll be fine.
How about I make you some hot tea with lemon and codeine?
Okay.
I just want hot tea and codeine, no lemon!
Okay, hon.
Hello.
How would you like to know the truth?
The fuck are you talking about, Butters?
It's time to let go, Eric.
Don't you see there's no other way?
Just let the government into your heart.
It's too late for me, Butters.
I have to go to Russia and live with the commie dwarves.
It's never too late.
There's a place where you can start over.
What's this?
Your government doesn't listen in on you to punish you.
Your government just wants you
to be honest about your mistakes.
- I can be forgiven? - Yes!
For everything bad I've ever done?
Yes!
And then all I have to do is go back to this place
every time I do something wrong and admit it,
and I'm forgiven again?
That's right.
That's pretty cool.
We've got a new member today!
Eric Cartman, do you love your country?
I do! I love my country!
Do you pledge allegiance to the flag?
I pledge it!
I pledge that fucking allegiance!
Hallelujah!
Yay!
You want us to kick 'em out of here, Lar?
No. No, leave them alone.
It's a nice change to see people happy at the DMV.
Perhaps we here at the DMV can start changing as well.
Perhaps instead of treating people badly,
we can offer them comfort and hope.
Why, the DMV can be a place
where people come to get things off their chest-
confess, yes, but also be told
that they're worth something in this world.
And then DMVs everywhere can become a place
where people feel safe.
And when they do something wrong,
we can offer forgiveness.
Don't you see what this could lead to?
Don't you see what we could become?
The DMV was shut down today
after rampant allegations of sex with young boys.
The heads of the DMV were arrested,
and the director stated, "Hey, it came with the territory."
With the DMV shut down, Americans have been asked
to confess all wrongdoings at their nearest post office.
We've just received word that the U.S. Postal Service
has been shut down due to rampant allegations
of sex with young boys.
It now appears that the only people who can be trusted
with confessions and guidance is your local news station.
WMZ News will be back in... a young boy.