I'm going down to South Park Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation
Going down to South Park Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
Heading on up to South Park Gonna see if I can't unwind
Come on down to South Park And meet some friends of mine
Kyle!
Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.
I can't take it!
Somebody help us!
Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness with no way out.
The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
We were stuck. We were completely stuck.
Kyle, hurry!
Kyle! Wake up! You gotta wake up, Kyle!
For four elementary school boys,
an ordinary day becomes a descent into madness
on tonight's episode of I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining.
- Oh, God! - No!
Help, we're trapped! We gotta get outta here!
It's the last day of spring break,
and all over the small mountain town of South Park,
students are trying to have as much fun as possible.
For 10-year-old Stan Marsh and his friends Kyle, Eric and Kenny,
the last day has come too soon.
We really had spent the whole spring break
watching TV and playing Xbox, you know?
We wanted to go out and do something really adventurous.
We could go to the city pool. They have a waterslide.
No, no, I'm not gettin' in a pool with Kenny,
- He has herpes. - What?
Look at his lip. You got herpes, dude!
No, "cold sore" is what girls call it, Kenny.
It's actually herpes.
Come on, guys, the day's wasting away.
What would be something really cool we could do?
And then, like, out of nowhere,
somebody came up with the idea of ziplining.
Hey, yeah, ziplining! That could be really cool.
We've definitely not done that before!
I think there's a place just outside of town!
I'll see if my Uncle Jimbo will drop us off!
Cool! Ziplining!
Ziplining! Hell, yeah!
Within 30 minutes,
the boys are getting a ride to the ziplining outfitters
from Stan's Uncle Jimbo.
- All right! - Sweet!
We were in a good mood, just joking around, you know.
Mostly making fun of Kenny's herpes.
Sick, Kenny! You got herpes, dude!
I almost touched it!
Sick! Sick, Kenny! No, gross!
Did you hear that, guys? Kenny says it's just a fever blister!
You sound like a chick, Kenny. That's herpes, dude.
You got that shit till you die.
It's the idyllic spring break getaway with friends and laughter.
- All right! - Sweet!
Hey, you guys here for the 2:00 zipline tour?
- Yeah! - All right!
Let me get you some helmets and some gear
and we'll get up there and hit that fresh nar nar.
And so they put us in these harnesses and helmets.
I think that's when we started realising, "Wow, this is actually pretty dangerous."
- All right, you guys look ready to zipline! - All right!
Okay, just follow me over to the waiting room
and we'll have you take a seat with the others.
And we were like, "Others"? We have to do this with other people?
- Hi there! - Hello!
The boys have just made a sobering discovery.
For 10-year-old Stan Marsh,
the realisation that he will be with a tour group
has caused his adrenaI gland to slow down.
The average human acts a certain way when surrounded by friends and family.
But in a tour group, the brain has to work overtime,
acting nice and pretending to care about people on the tour.
Hey, how are you?
Good, how are you?
So then we sit there for, like, 30 minutes
because we had to wait for this couple who was running late.
All right, our last zipliners are here!
Sorry we made you wait, everybody!
Inside Kyle's mouth, the muscles contract to force a smile,
even though in his brain, Kyle is thinking, "Dude, fuck you. "
We don't mind.
Now everyone was there.
We thought things would start getting fun, but...
That's when we had to watch the safety video.
Welcome to Backcountry Adventures.
Well, hey there, Michael.
Hey there, Michael.
It was... I don't know, 10, maybe 15 minutes of pure hell.
Oh, and don't forget to take in the nar.
Back to you, Michael.
Thanks, Michael. Anybody have any questions?
No.
I have a question.
Could we review the best ways to hold the rope again?
Really? You're gonna make us all listen to it again
'cause you couldn't understand? Really?
Let's get out there and get zippin'!
- Jesus Christ! - Finally!
The boys think their ordeal is over.
But what they don't realise
is that things are about to go from bad to worse.
Here we go, guys! Ziplining!
Everyone just step on in the shuttle!
Shuttle?
How... How long do we have to take the shuttle?
It's about 45 minutes!
It's a devastating blow.
For Kyle, it's almost too much to bear.
His brain is already lacking excitement,
and now, just the word "shuttle" makes Kyle's brain fire neurons
that bring up memories of just how lame shuttles can be.
Well, come on, we don't have a choice.
All right, guys, should be about 45 minutes to the freshest nar nar.
Why don't we go around the van and get to know each other a little bit?
- That's okay. - Well, my name's Pete Knickels
and this is my wife Donna!
And, make a long story short,
we came out here to see our relatives who live down in Moab.
They been livin' there about 20 years now,
and, long story short, they told us that
as long as we were in the Rockies, we should try ziplining,
so, long story short,
we looked around in the newspapers and on the Internet and...
On billboards and...
You know, make a long story short,
we found this company and thought we'd give her a try,
so then we called and made a reservation,
that's when, you know, long story short, we just saw...
It's almost 3:00, and the boys are still on the shuttle.
We're gettin' close. You guys gettin' psyched?
But what the boys don't realise is that a massive storm is brewing.
Last night, Eric Cartman had Kung Pao Spaghetti
from California Pizza Kitchen.
Inside Eric's stomach,
the Kung Pao has just met with the DeI Taco he ate for breakfast.
It has already started to tear down the layers of Barbecue BK Toppers
that have been building up for months.
And now, to compensate for all the annoying tourists,
Eric is ingesting massive amounts of Mountain Dew.
The caffeine and sugar turns the soupy fast food liquid in his stomach
into a toxic gas.
When the gas is released,
it carries with it tiny particles of Eric's faecaI matter.
FaecaI matter which floats up and into Kyle's nasaI passage.
Dude, did you fart?
No.
All right, guys. We're here!
Thank God.
All right, here we are.
Looks like we got some good nar to zipline through today.
But before we climb up and start ziplining,
does anyone care to know about these trees' biology?
The trees' biology?
We are running a little late,
but if anyone really wants to know, we could take a few minutes.
I think we're good.
I'd like to know about the biology of the trees.
Okay, well, this is a ponderosa pine.
It covers a more extensive area than other American...
So after asshole gets his biology lesson, we finally get to go ziplining.
All right. Remember to keep your hands clear of the cable
and just let your equipment do the work.
Now, when you're about halfway down the zipline,
the camera's gonna take your picture,
so when I call out "Shaka, bra!"
Look up and give the camera a nice "Shaka, bra."
All right, you ready?
- Yeah. - Ready to do some zippin'?
- Yeah. - All right. Let's hear you say, "Zipline!"
Zipline.
Shaka, bra!
All right, nice zip!
Well? How was it, Cartman?
It's totally fuckin' stupid, dude!
Really?
Yeah, dude. It's fucking boring as shit!
All right, Kyle. Gimme a "zipline!"
Zipline.
Shaka, bra!
It was like having the life sucked out of you.
That's all it is, sliding down a cable.
Maybe without a tour group it'd be kind of fun, maybe.
But this was just a complete disaster.
After a gruelling 20 minutes
waiting for everyone else to ride the zipline,
the boys realise they have just wasted hours of their time.
And that is when the unthinkable happens.
All right, guys. Let's get movin'!
Only about 10 minutes to our next ziplines!
- Yeah! - All right!
The next ziplines? What are you talking about?
Excuse me, we aren't going back now? Aren't we done?
This is a zipline tour, we got 16 more to go!
And it was like, wham!
- No! - No!
Everyone back in the shuttle!
- No! - No!
The boys realise that their ziplining nightmare has only just begun.
Shreddin' it through that
Anyone have questions about the creek
- We're about to cross? - Yes.
...went the little green frog one day
...went the little green frog
Let her rip!
Zipline!
Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.
Next zipline's up here, we call it "The Terminator"!
Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness with a tour group.
But, you know, to make a long story short,
I woke up this morning and...
Can you get another picture of us?
The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
I'm so fucking bored!
- All right! - Yeah!
- Nice zip! - All right. You going next, Ricky?
- Help! - Somebody!
- We're trapped! - Somebody help us!
It's no use. There's nobody around for miles.
There could be a helicopter. Maybe one'll fly overhead.
Face it, Stan! Nobody's coming for us!
Zipline!
We should have never listened to you, Kyle.
- Me? - Yeah, you!
In the park this morning?
"I know, let's all go ziplining. We've never done that before."
Oh, no, don't try to pin this on me.
You're the one who brought it up!
I brought it up because you had already brought it up!
That's when I realised nobody remembered.
Nobody remembered it was me
who came up with the idea to go ziplining. Me.
- You fat piece of shit! - Fuck you, Kyle!
Guys! Guys! Does it really matter whose idea it was?
- Yes. - Yes.
All right. Look, we can make it, you guys!
We can't panic.
If the four of us don't zipline, the tour will move faster.
We are gonna make it out of here, okay?
But what the boys don't realise is that
Eric's body is already shutting down from stage four diarrhoea.
Inside his stomach, bile has just dislodged an Arby's Ultimate Angus.
In the average human,
this would only cause mild diarrhoea,
but Eric Cartman is now drinking Double Dew,
a Mountain Dew product with twice the sugar and caffeine
of regular Mountain Dew.
His rancid faeces is now rapidly converting to a thick paste.
The diarrhoea shoots out of Eric's anus and into his underwear.
Eric Cartman is a ticking time bomb.
Dude, did you just shit your pants?
No.
So, I just tried to keep the tour group moving as fast as possible.
All right, guys. This is where we're gonna break for lunch.
Come in by the waterfall, gang!
Oh, no. Could... Could we skip lunch and keep going?
Skip a free lunch? Not me!
Who wants sandwiches?
We got turkey...
Ham...
Turkey ham...
Long story short, we picked up our bags and...
You guys, seriously... Something's wrong in my tummy.
Then stop drinking Double Dew, fat ass!
This is Diet Double Dew, Kyle.
It only has half the caffeine and sugar of Double Dew.
Man, you guys, I gotta get to a bathroom fast!
You're in a forest. Go take a crap!
If I crap in the woods, the blood will attract beavers, Kyle!
Hey. I'm so sorry, but we have an emergency.
Our friend is really, really sick.
You mean the little kid with the herpes?
- Yeah. - That's not herpes, it's a cold sore.
Right, sorry.
Yeah, his cold sore is really bad and he's losing blood so we gotta go.
Jeez, sorry, dude, but we're at the summit.
Our only way down is to zip down.
- Zipline! - Zipline!
What about the stables?
Oh, yeah, the stables.
There's a ranch right past that hill that rents out horses.
I bet they could get you back.
Suddenly, Stan says he knows about some horse stables.
It seemed too good to be true.
Now, let me get this straight,
you want four horses, one for each of ye?
Yes, please.
Well, I think we can set you up.
Oh, thank God!
You see, guys? This is gonna be sweet after all.
Step right out here and we'll get you going.
Got four more for ya, Duncan!
- Hello! - Hi!
No!
Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.
Trapped in a tour group on horseback
that is only allowed to travel four miles an hour.
Can we please go faster?
We got some lunch set up for you up ahead.
Some turkey sandwiches and Diet Double Dew.
So anyway, long story short,
I was born in 1953 at 6:00 in the morning.
An attempt to make a bad day better becomes a descent into madness on...
This here waterfall is called Heartbreak Falls.
Would you all like to know why it's called Heartbreak Falls?
- Well, I certainly would. - Yeah, please.
Kyle. Kyle, come on, wake up.
Just go. Go without me.
No, we're not leaving you here, Kyle.
I can't take it any more.
Why do people say "long story short"?
They're not making it short, Stan.
I just sat there watching Kyle die and...
I wanted to tell him the truth right then and there.
But then this fire rose up inside me. I...
I thought, "I can find us a way out."
I ran off and went searching for, I don't know how long, 12 minutes.
And that's when I found it.
You guys! You guys! Get up!
Listen to me. There's a lake 100 yards down that way.
They've got a marina with boats just sitting there.
A marina?
We can take a boat, you guys.
We can probably take it all the way back to Fairplay!
- What's the point? - Come on, you guys,
a boat all to ourselves! It'll be fun.
What could possibly go wrong?
Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.
Trapped on a 42-foot powerboat,
which is only allowed to go five miles an hour.
Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhoea.
It's not my diarrhoea's fault that you took us all ziplining, you fucking Jew!
Ziplining was your idea, fat ass.
The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
Kenny, whose idea was it to go ziplining, mine or Kyle's?
I don't know. I really don't give a shit.
For four elementary school boys,
an already tragic day becomes a descent into madness on...
Oh, no! You're not stinking up the entire boat!
You're taking a crap off the side into the water!
Beavers!
After cleaning Cartman's diarrhoea and fighting off beavers,
the boys have made a terrifying discovery
that boating is just as boring as ziplining.
The boat went really slow and it just went round and round.
If the boys fall asleep now from the lack of excitement,
they could die.
Here, everyone drink some Mountain Dew.
I don't know, I just thought if we all drank the Mountain Dew,
that the caffeine and the sugar would help us stay awake.
I told Cartman he had to share it.
I'm not sharing it with Kenny! He has herpes!
Dude, fuck you, Cartman.
Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.
And just when it seems it can't get any worse...
Kenny?
Kenny McCormick has died of boredom.
Oh, my God, they killed Kenny.
You bastards!
No, not they. You!
Look what your ziplining idea has done! You killed Kenny! You're the bastard!
It wasn't my idea, it was yours! You killed Kenny, you bastard!
And finally, I couldn't hold it in any more. I said, "Stop it!"
Stop it!
It was me.
My idea.
You?
Four days ago,
I came across a brochure for ziplining.
I thought it would be fun.
I only acted like it was an idea we all came up with together.
So, you intended for us to go ziplining all along?
Why, Stan?
If you signed up three friends,
you got a free iPod Nano.
You sold us out for an iPod Nano?
I had no idea ziplining would be so boring.
You...
You killed Kenny.
You bastard! You bastard, Stan.
How many iPod Nanos is friendship worth?
I guess one.
The hardest part about it is knowing you can't take it back.
I mean, it was a fifth generation Nano, so I can't trade it in anywhere.
But then, miraculously, the boys' prayers are finally answered.
It was a miracle.
He came to save us and take us back home.
- You came for us! - Mr. Hankey!
Thank you, Mr. Hankey!
Howdy ho, boys. Let's get you back home.
We were saved. It was over.
After nearly four hours in the Colorado wilderness,
the boys are finally going home.
From the boat,
the boys were airlifted aboard Mr. Hankey's magical Helicrapter.
In the four hours since they had left home,
the boys had travelled so far
that Mr. Hankey then had to fly them on his Seven Turdy Seven.
From there, it was only an hour ride back home on the Poo Choo Express.
Four friends, torn apart by tragedy,
would now start the long journey back to forgiveness.
Kenny McCormick's remains were finally brought home to his parents.
And the boys received treatment for their herpes.
No, I didn't get herpes. I just had a cold sore.
Kyle Broflovski spent 27 days in the hospital
having faecaI matter removed from his nasaI passages.
Stan Marsh dedicated himself to raising awareness
about the boredom risks of ziplining.
His awareness videos became so popular
that Stan once again ended up jacking it in San Diego.
As for Eric Cartman,
he refused to let the tragedy stop him from doing what he loves most.
In just two weeks, he was back to drinking Diet Double Dew.
Defiant to Dew the math.
It's diet, dude. Diet soda doesn't give you diarrhoea.