I'm going down to South Park Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation
Going down to South Park Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
Heading on up to South Park Gonna see if I can't unwind
Come on down to South Park And meet some friends of mine
Well, Dad, it was really great seeing you.
We'd love to stay for dinner
but the food here gives Sharon diarrhoea.
What? Randy!
Just trying to leave without being rude.
Hold on, hold on just a second. I got a present for my grandson!
Come here, Billy!
You've grown up, Billy.
It's time for you to have something expensive and flashy
to impress all the ladies!
Go ahead and open it, Stan.
Look at that! A bolo tie!
Isn't that beautiful, Stan?
That's 14 carat gold, with turquoise and real diamonds!
Grandpa, how much did you spend on that?
- $6,000. - $6,000?
It's worth $50,000!
The Jewels and Gems Shopping Network said so!
Dad, you shouldn't be spending your retirement money on frivolous things!
You should be saving it for when you die!
That's our money!
It's gorgeous, Dad. Thank you.
And tomorrow's picture day at school. Stan can wear it for his photos!
That's wonderful! That'll make me feel really good!
Who's Stan?
- Nice bolo tie, Stan. - Thanks.
Bolo ties are really in right now. It's cool you have one.
Look, it was a gift from my grandpa, okay?
And it cost a lot of money.
No, dude, it's badass.
It happens to be worth $6,000!
That was six grand?
Yeah, dude! It's a recreation of the bolo tie worn by King Henry V!
Dude, it's fucking gay as fuck.
I know.
I really wish if my grandpa wanted to give me something
he'd just give me the money!
Why don't you take it to one of those pawn places?
Every two blocks you see a guy with a sign that says,
"Cash for gold and jewellery." There must be a lot of people doing it.
You didn't steal this, did you?
No, my grandpa gave it to me as a present.
But it's worth so much, I feel really bad accepting it.
So, I just want the cash.
It's 14 carat gold. Diamond and turquoise...
I'll give you $15.
What? That cost my grandpa $6,000!
Those are real diamonds on the outside!
Yeah, I can't really make anything on the diamonds.
I'd have to send it to a smelter, have it all smelted down for the gold,
probably could make a $10 profit.
15 bucks?
Dude, this guy's trying to rook us, we can go some place else.
Yeah, I'm not getting taken advantage of!
You may suck our collective balls, sir.
Don't worry. There's got to be another cash for gold place
around here somewhere.
Yeah! Here's one.
- These are real diamonds, right? - Yeah, dude, you can test 'em.
Okay. Eight dollars.
This is the same bolo tie worn by King Henry V!
Nine dollars.
Welcome to Taco Bell.
Would you like to try our Doritos Locos Tacos?
I wanna see how much you'll give me
for this gold and turquoise diamond bolo.
Fourteen carat gold, catch you $14 a gram on the open market,
got about four grams here.
It's not really worth my time.
I guess I can give you a six-layer burrito for it.
A six-layer burrito?
You guys don't even make a six-layer burrito!
All right, a seven-layer burrito! But that's as high as I'm going!
Dude, my grandpa paid $6,000 for something barely worth anything.
How? How does something like this happen?
Okay, folks, we are
halfway complete with today's broadcast.
You wanna get in on these deals, call now!
Next item is...
This is item number 45-78111.
Look at these stunning earrings.
These are genuine faux sapphire earrings.
Fourteen carat gold, 86 carat faux sapphire.
"Faux" is a French word, it's got an "X" in it.
But you don't even pronounce the "X." How do you like that for prestigious?
These earrings normally go for six million dollars.
We're gonna sell these today for...
Three hundred and twenty dollars. That's a steal.
Now, there go the phones, they are lighting up.
I believe we have a sale. Do we have a sale?
Yep, let's get her on the line. Hello, who am I speaking with?
Hello, my name is Vivian.
Vivian, you just got a heck of a deal, what's your last name, sweetheart?
I can't remember.
You can't remember.
Well, can you remember your credit card number?
3-7-1-5...
Hold on, Vivian. We'll get you on with a rep and take down that number.
Thanks for shopping with us
and congratulations on the lovely 14 carat faux sapphire earrings!
At that price, you practically stole 'em from us!
Dude, that's terrible!
I told you guys, I've been watching all day.
But how do they get away with that?
This is a new time,
a new era of science that only the smartest can comprehend.
What are you talking about?
For centuries, alchemists have tried to come up with the formula to make gold.
Whoever could do it would of course become rich.
And now the chemical equation is right before our eyes.
That's the chemical equation for gold?
That's right.
Guys with "cash for gold" signs
gets you people's unwanted crappy jewellery,
which when added to a cable-based shopping network,
divided by demented old people, equals gold.
Kenny, will you tell Cartman to shut up?
I'm an asshole for doing math!
Oh, my gosh! Can you believe this?
Somebody's about to get this $20,000 topaz and copper ring
for just 4,000 bucks!
We've got our buyer on the line. You buying this as a gift, sir?
No, I'm buying it as a gift for my grandson, Billy.
Grandpa?
How about that, folks, that is Brazilian emerald,
the finest emerald available.
We're letting this one go for $1,495 EZ Pay.
"EZ" Pay. We call it that to save you time.
"EZ" is an abbreviation of "Easy".
$1,495 EZ Pay, and... What's that?
Okay, all right, I just got word we are dropping the "Z" from "EZ" Pay.
It's now just "E Pay"!
By using the word "E Pay" instead of taking all that time to say "EZ Pay,"
we're saving you a second of time, and those seconds add up.
Go ahead and try it.
Say "E Pay" 5,000 times.
That's 5,000 seconds, nine hours,
we just saved you here on J&G Shopping Network.
Not wasting your time here!
You can't afford not to buy this one.
You don't have a lot of time left. Literally.
Pass this one down to your kids, your grandkids,
show 'em your life had meaning.
Grandpa?
Do you see that, Billy? That's an emerald on 14 carat gold!
Don't you think your sister would like that?
She doesn't like jewellery, Grandpa.
Well, she will one day! She'll appreciate it.
She's just a baby after all.
She's not a baby, Grandpa, she's 13.
Shelly's 13?
Right. Right. Boy...
Billy, did I ever tell you I used to have a border collie named Patches?
Yes, Grandpa.
I loved that dog. She always made me so happy.
When she died, I...
I didn't let myself get too sad, 'cause I thought...
I thought I'd always have the memory of her slobbering happy face.
I can't remember what she looked like, Billy.
Don't worry, Grandpa. I'm gonna take care of this.
Hey, Craig. What's going on?
Token, bet your mom has some old jewellery
she wouldn't notice missing.
Bebe! You got those rhinestones in your earrings,
how about some walking cash? I can probably offer you...
- Butters, what the fuck? - Sorry, my arms hurt.
"My arms hurt." Pick the fucking sign up, Butters.
This is a business!
Hey, how much will you give me for this?
- Three bucks. - Okay.
We got crappy jewellery, Butters! Now all we need are some old people.
And that's it. We've just sold this bracelet to Miss Marsha Tubbs.
Marsha, thank you so much for your call.
You just got yourself a heck of a deal on this one.
You there, Marsha?
I'm lost.
I'm lost walking on a freeway.
All right, you're lost walking on a freeway.
Enjoy the Tiger's Eye Aquamarine Bracelet!
All right. Okay, what should we do next?
I see one. Here's a good'un.
Let me... Let me...
Let me set the stage for you here.
You're going to that seniors' cocktail party,
it's Bingo night, you're looking for something to wear,
how about a 13 carat Panzotopanzanite Ring?
This is... We got a caller already on this one.
Hello, sir, you must be a fan of panzotopanzanite?
Yeah, hi. You should kill yourself.
What's that?
I said, "You should kill yourself." What you do is sort of unjustifiable.
And you know it's unjustifiable, and you don't care.
You're the definition of evil.
Kill yourself.
Okay, we're gonna sell this ring for just $3,795, how's that?
I just read that the day shopping networks make most of their money
is on the day seniors pick up social security cheques.
Kill yourself.
All right. Well, you shouldn't say things like that,
'cause some host of a jewellery channel sure might up and do it,
then you'd feel really bad.
No, I wouldn't.
Yes, you would.
No, because I really want you to kill yourself.
All right. Well, how about this,
if a jewellery network host goes home tonight
and blows his brains out, you might be liable.
That's a lawsuit worth 2.7 million dollars,
how's that sound?
I don't care what happens to me.
I care about my grandfather, you morally empty, corrupted maggot.
All right, I tell you what.
I'll bring the lawsuit down to $2,939...
No, no. It doesn't matter what price you put on anything.
Your only chance to right the wrongs you've done
and repay all the elderly people whose lives you've destroyed,
is to kill yourself.
Well, you think it's funny
but that's calling up and telling someone to kill themselves.
That's not a joke.
I'm not joking.
Do it.
Okay, next item.
Next item, we're gonna do is 55-2167... 7... 5... 5.
This is... Oh, my God. Look at this, you guys.
This is 200 carat Brazilian Emerald and Plasticine Ring.
I'm gonna start the bidding for this ring at... Let's see...
Eight billion dollars.
Eight billion dollars opening bid. We've got to sell this ring today.
Tell you what, I'm gonna take it down a little.
We're gonna drop that price to $75.95.
At this price, it's not gonna last for long...
We got a call already, Butters?
Butters? Looks like... Did we sell it? Yep.
$75.95, that's what the ring just sold for.
Do we have the buyer on the line? Hello?
Hello?
Yes, you just bought this lovely 200 carat ring.
How do you feel, Mrs...
This is Mrs. Applebee on 24 Palmark Lane.
Can I ask you something, Mrs. Applebee?
Do you like fucking little boys?
I'm sorry?
Just wondering if you fuck kids all the time
'cause that's what you just did with this deal!
You just got an eight billion-dollar ring for $75.95.
You fucked me good, Mrs. Applebee. Congratulations, ma'am.
Thank you.
Were you just flipping through the channels
and saw me selling this ring and thought, "I'd like to fuck that kid?"
I thought it'd be a lovely gift for my granddaughter, Jessica.
She's captain of the debate team at Jefferson High School.
Okay. Thanks for shopping with us.
I gotta go get the taste of old lady dick out of my mouth.
- Goodbye. - Bye.
Man, that's good acting. I should get an award.
Do you have any idea
what it would feel like to start losing your memories?
No, because you don't have someone in your life suffering from Alzheimer's!
Well, I do!
Look, kid, if you got a beef with the system
you're talking to the wrong people!
All we do is smelter down what we get from the cash for gold places!
Yeah? Well there's an old Hindu saying, "Whoever smelt it, dealt it!"
Yeah!
We aren't the ones who denied you what your jewellery was really worth!
The Hindu saying is actually, "Mai nahi chahta pani. "
What does that mean?
"Whoever denied it, supplied it."
You are the scums of the earth.
Old people are victimized by shopping networks
and you kick back in your fat cat mansions making billions!
We aren't making that much, fellas.
You're not?
Why don't you yell at the people who melt the gold down!
The old Hindu saying is, "Whoever smelt it, dealt it!"
- Yeah! - That's right.
It's "Whoever denied it, supplied it!"
You got it all wrong!
The jewellery that those shopping networks sell
don't even come from us.
It's all made in India, where those Hindu rhymes come from!
What are you saying, Gustov?
My God, do you mean...
That's right!
Whoever made the rhyme did the crime.
Suck my balls Suck my balls
Hello?
Welcome! Welcome to discount jewellery store!
Yeah, listen. I'm running a resale business.
But I can't get enough of people's unwanted crappy jewellery to keep up
so I'd like to buy some of yours.
You do so good business! You so clever!
I get by. Let's see, I'm gonna need some gold necklaces,
diamond bracelets, and emerald earrings.
Okay, what emerald you like?
I don't know. I guess I'll take that ring there.
You make so good choice!
It's beautiful! Look, it's beautiful!
And maybe I'll take that one for $300.
That's best one! You so clever! You take advantage of my low prices!
How about that tanzanite bracelet for $9.95?
You got good eye! You so clever!
I getting taken advantage. You like to fuck Asian lady?
- What'd you say? - I know!
You walk by my store and you say,
"There's nice Asian lady. I think I go in and I fuck her!"
You Asian lady fucker, you.
Wait a minute. How much do you pay for this stuff?
I pay thousands and you come here and fuck me!
Okay, quit the act, I'm not fucking you and you know it.
No, no! You fuck me!
No, no, you fuck me! Fuck you!
My balls, my balls Suck 'em dry
Sorry. Sorry.
You see, I'm looking to cut out the middle man.
I want to buy my jewellery direct from you, so that...
Motherfuckers!
You should be ashamed of the people in America that you are exploiting!
How dare you take advantage of those less fortunate!
You dirty, double-crossing assholes!
You're trying to cut me out, huh?
You guys stole my formula then tried to fuck me... Butters!
Sorry!
And then tried to fuck me out of your business!
We're not fucking you. They're fucking Stan's grandpa!
No, they're getting fucked by Asian ladies!
Somebody is at the head of all this and somebody needs to pay!
All I want is some goddamn retribution for my goddamn grandpa!
No, not a diamond and gold necklace!
What's he doing?
Oh, yeah.
Actually, this might kind of work.
So then, we went to India, which is pretty cool, I guess,
never been there before.
And we basically learned that whoever smelt it, denied it, and rhymed it
actually dealt it.
Sounds like you had a fun weekend.
Yeah, I guess so.
Anyway, Grandpa, I wanted to give you something.
For me?
My God. There she is.
Ol' Patches. There's that slobbering, happy face!
Thank you, Billy. That means a lot.
Billy, that...
- That bolo tie you're wearing? - Yeah?
I don't where you got that, but it's fucking gay as fuck.
Cool. I won't wear it any more.
That's a good idea.
Folks these are not your average Peridot Craponite earrings.
These are 18 carat gold.
And we got... Do we have a buyer on the line? Hello?
What are you waiting for? Kill yourself.
All right, God damn it, we got another comedian.
Ever since that little kid called up,
now everybody wants to call and tell me I should kill myself.
He was right. Do it.
Folks, this is an 800 number,
every time you call and tell me to kill myself,
it's costing us $2.36!
So, now, how about a caller who wants to buy jewellery?
Yes. Hello, sir?
You're too scared to do it, aren't you? You don't have the balls.
God damn it, I'm not scared to do it.
No, you're scared. You got...
You got lady balls.
Hello?
I'm calling about the Peridot earrings?
Yes, ma'am!
They'd look good on your dead body, why don't you kill yourself?
All right. That's that.
That there's the straw that broke the camel's back.
I got a gun right here, what do you think about that?
Put it against your temple and pull the trigger.