I'm going down to South Park Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation
Going down to South Park Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
Heading on up to South Park Gonna see if I can't unwind
Come on down to South Park And meet some friends of mine
Throw it here! Throw it here!
Yeah! Nice one, Clyde!
Clyde? Clyde!
Clyde, get up here! Hurry!
What is that?
A toilet.
That's right, it's a toilet, Clyde. And where is the toilet seat?
It's up.
Because you left it up. Again.
We've been through this countless times, Clyde.
Okay, Mom, just not in front of my friends, okay?
No, not okay, because you aren't getting the message!
What if I had fallen in?
Start listening to me! Put it down. Put it down!
Thank you!
Dude, that sucks, Clyde.
A mom shouldn't be able to put rules on toilet time like that.
Toilet time is the last bastion of American freedom.
Is your mom always like that, dude?
Look, could you guys just not say anything about this at school, please?
Of course, man. It's cool.
"Clyde! Clyde!
"What have I told you about pissing on the seat?"
And Clyde's all like, "Okay, Mom, fuck, not in front of my friends!"
Cartman, it was actually really lame.
I know, right? Women are just jealous
'cause they have to face outwards to pee and crap.
Wait a minute, you're supposed to poop in a toilet facing out?
But I thought you sit on the toilet this way,
so you have that nice little shelf for your comic book and your chocolate milk?
Well, 'cause then you got the flusher right here. No?
Oh, geez, that's embarrassing.
Clyde? Clyde!
There you are!
Mom?
Clyde Donovan, you come home this instant!
- Why? - What have I told you
about putting the toilet seat down after you go to the bathroom?
Mom, I'm in class!
How many times do I have to tell you, Clyde?
I was trying to get ready for work and the toilet seat was up. Again!
Betsy, come back home, it's just not that big a deal.
No, Roger, it's a disgusting habit and I am sick and tired of it!
If I had sat down, I would have gotten toilet water all over my vagina!
My grandma's from Virginia.
You are coming home right now, Clyde,
and you are putting the toilet seat down where it belongs!
Let's go!
Dude, I'm telling you, it was freaking hysterical.
Clyde had to get up in the middle of class
and follow his mom home to put the toilet seat down!
He was so embarrassed, dude, I thought he was gonna die!
I know, fat ass. I was there.
His mom... His mom goes,
"Clyde, you're an asshole, and now I got toilet water on my vajayjay!"
That's not what she said! You're putting extras on it again!
It's not that funny.
I know, dude. The bathroom's the last bastion of American freedom.
Don't you feel just a little bad for Clyde?
Well, you should!
The poor guy shouldn't be screamed at
for something that just isn't that big a deal at all.
What's going on?
- They're trying to save Clyde's mom. - From what?
They're saying Clyde left the toilet seat up again.
Hang in there. You're gonna be fine, okay? Stay with me now.
- I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do. - What?
When she fell into the toilet, she also made it flush.
It created a suction that's literally pulling out her insides.
Can't we disconnect the toilet from the plumbing?
Yes, we'll have to, but when we do that,
the change in pressure will rip out her organs.
But she's not gonna die, is she?
Why'd you leave the toilet seat up, son?
Clyde! Clyde!
Clyde, I want you to know I don't blame you for this.
We should have been harder on you
all those times you left the toilet seat up.
Mom, I'm sorry.
I don't have a lot of time, Clyde.
Just please put the seat down from now on
for your sister's sake, please.
Oh, God, please! Let me go! Let me go! Do it!
Do it! Do it!
Mom?
I'll always remember Betsy Donovan's kind nature more than anything.
She always treated people with dignity and respect.
What a tragedy she had to leave us so soon.
But I'm sure Betsy is hoping her death will help women everywhere
just take that extra second to look before they sit on a toilet.
I'd like to say on behalf of the departed that
it isn't a woman's responsibility to see that the seat is down.
It's a man's responsibility to put it down. It's not that hard.
- Yeah! That's right! - Yeah.
"Putting the toilet seat down isn't that hard.
"So is it too much to ask women to just look
"and put it down before they go plopping their butts blindly to the toilet bowl?"
My God, people, this is a funeral! Please have some respect.
There is a little boy here who has lost his mother!
He'll never see her again!
Because he couldn't take that six-tenths of a second
to put the toilet seat down when he was done peeing.
Now, little Clyde's mother is dead
and the blood is on his penis.
Mom, get the door!
Hello, ma'am, we're the Toilet Safety Administration.
- The what? - After the recent tragedy,
new safety regulations require us to check every toilet for security.
- Can we come in? - Oh, sure.
Who are these buttholes?
It's the Toilet Safety Administration, hon.
They're gonna do something to the potty.
My potty? What are they gonna do to it?
Hey, hey, that's my bathroom!
Oh, yeah, we're gonna have to completely redo this, ma'am.
You need to have this counter moved a minimum of six inches
but we'll go ahead and install your safety belt.
Safety belt?
Federal law requires all toilets to be fitted with a safety harness
so that nobody can fall in.
Dude, you can't make me wear a seat belt to take a dump!
This is for your safety. A woman died, you know.
Yeah, but the blood's on Clyde's wiener, not mine!
Sir, we are really worried about our friend Clyde.
Everywhere he goes people are telling him he has blood
- On his wiener. - Go on.
We keep trying to tell him maybe this all isn't his fault.
Maybe the people who made the toilet are to blame for what happened.
So we were just wondering if we could sue somebody.
You can always sue somebody.
All right! You see, Clyde?
Okay, we wanna help him sue whoever invented the toilet!
You got it!
Here we go! Inventor of the toilet, Sir John Harrington.
Kelston, England. Died 1692.
- He's dead? - So then we can't sue him?
Why not? You can always sue somebody!
It's just gonna take some special protocol.
We would have to perform a sueance.
A "sueance"?
You bet. Here at Hoffman and Turk, we specialise in suing the dead.
If you hire us, we'll work hard for you.
- Wow, really? - You hear that, Clyde?
Now, look,
I'll be asking all of you to have a very open mind
and a willingness to face your fears.
I warn you, boys. A sueance can be very expensive.
How expensive?
How much do you have?
Clyde got $3,000 from his mom's life insurance.
That's exactly how much a sueance costs!
Wow, that's weird.
Oh, damn it!
Hey, officer.
You're sitting on the toilet,
you need to be wearing your safety belt, sir.
Yeah, no, I had it on, I just took it off for a second to get the...
Address here is 260 Avenue De Los Mexicanos?
Come on, don't give me a ticket.
Got to wear that safety belt or you could fall in.
I'm not gonna fall in. I'm not a chick.
Law's the law, sir.
You can pay this by mail or appear in court on that date.
Have a good day, sir.
Yeah, thanks, asshole.
You say something?
No, I was talking to my asshole.
Come on, asshole, let's get back to work.
This is unbelievable. Stupid Toilet Safety Administration.
You can't even take a crap at IHOP without a 40-minute line!
Shoes off! Belts off! Sharp objects go in the plastic tray!
This is inhumane.
Shut up, sir.
Taking a dump today, ma'am?
No, just need to pee.
All right, I just needs to check inside your asshole.
Hey, how about you people speed it up in here?
I'm about to crap my pants and I demand access to the toilet right now!
All right. Do you mind if I touch your balls, sir?
What? Yes, I mind!
Do you mind if I touch your fucking balls?
Okay, I'm done.
All right, sir, I just needs to check inside your asshole.
I don't need you wiping my ass for me. I'm a grown man!
Yes, you're a big boy, aren't you, sir?
Yeah, I'm a big boy.
That's a big boy, sir.
I'm a big boy. I took a big boy poop.
Yes.
All right, boys, sit down and clear your minds,
the sueance is about to begin.
Doors and windows are locked. You boys have your $500 in cash ready?
Yeah.
All right, and I've got this big bowl set here
to catch all the money we're about to make.
Now, let us start.
We call out to the land of the dead.
Sir John Harrington, your presence is requested.
Appear to us, John Harrington, we have a subpoena.
Geez, it's not working.
John Harrington,
my client is due compensation for negligence!
What is your name, spirit?
Barnes. Jimmy Barnes. What's it to you? Who are you mugs?
That's how people talked in the past.
We have a claim against a John Harrington.
Do you know him, spirit?
Well, maybe I do and maybe I don't.
Might need a little something something to jar my memory.
We got to grease him. Put $100 in the box.
Oh, yeah, Harrington. I know him. Always going round inventing things.
Yes, that's him! Is his personage amongst you?
Well, maybe it is and maybe it isn't.
Give him another $100.
Yeah, I've seen him around, all right. He was just down that way
bragging about some porcelain machine and what have you.
No! No!
By the power of Christ, we sue you! By the power of Christ, we sue you!
You can't sue me!
Quick, put the other $300 in the box!
This actually went really, really well.
Always happens, some bureaucrat tries to block the first sueance attempt
but this was good. Well, we'll get 'em tomorrow.
So, that's it?
Yeah, we're gonna need about $400 more tomorrow.
I know you're sad about your mom, Clyde, but don't worry,
we're gonna win this thing.
Put your coffee in the plastic tray, please, sir.
Shoes off. Belts off.
Yeah, yeah.
Gots any metal in your pockets?
I just needs to check your asshole.
So ridiculous.
- Asshole clear. - Thanks.
Pick your coffee up, sir!
And anyways he says,
"I ain't getting nothing anyways, so then you can..."
Hey, what's that thing?
That's a camera. It's a security camera.
You people have me on camera now?
It's okay, sir.
There's just one person viewing the monitors in a discreet location.
Exactly how long are we going to sit around
as our freedoms are stripped away one by one?
It's time for us to stand together and say,
"We want the government out of our bathrooms!"
- Yeah! - That's right!
Now listen, all we have to do is agree as a community
to all bolt our toilet seats down.
If it can't raise or lower,
there will be zero chance of anyone falling in!
Hey, yeah, if there's no toilet seats
the government can't make toilet seat laws!
All right, let's do it!
No, no, hold on!
If the seat can't raise up, then men will just pee all over it.
- No, we won't. - Yeah, you will.
Well, sorry women might have to deal with a little splash of pee on the rim,
but it's a far better solution
than having the government in our bathrooms, right?
How about we agree to that,
if men will agree that they will always sit down to urinate?
Well, no, you can't make men sit down to pee.
How could we play sink the boat?
Yeah how will Nelson and I make an "X" on sleepover nights?
What about us loggers?
Hardworking men who like to stand up after they've taken a poo
and then turn around and cut their poo in half with their urine?
Well, sorry, but if we don't want the government treating us like children,
we might have to give up being able to pee our faeces in half.
Folks been logging round these parts for generations.
My pappy taught me logging. And his pappy 'fore him!
Yeah. I think we got to just live with the TSA.
- Yeah. - Yep.
The spirits of the dead are looking over the subpoena!
Motion for summary judgement on behalf of the plaintiff!
What's happening now?
Our motion's been denied by the judge!
Concentrate, boys!
This spectre is like none I've ever encountered.
He managed to avert liability with an injunction against our claim.
So, what does that mean?
We'll hit him with a class action lawsuit tomorrow.
We'll need all your friends and family to sign a petition
and kick in about 50 bucks each.
What?
Hang in there, Clyde.
This is all to make the world a safer place.
Security breach!
An embarrassing day for the Toilet Safety Administration.
Shock and outrage ensued after an unknown terrorist
managed to get through TSA security
with a gun, and a baby, leaving the toilet seat up.
The Head TSA Chief of Operations had this to say.
Shit.
Meanwhile, outraged civilians are claiming they're finally fed up
with the overblown government bureaucracy.
What good is the TSA if they aren't protecting us?
Why have we given up freedom
if terrorists can take a hostage in a bathroom
with a baby and a gun on the toilet?
And the toilet seat was up!
We've all stood by
as mother government has taken our dignity.
That's right!
Now it's time for us to take responsibility for ourselves!
- Yeah! - It is time for us all to grow up!
- That's right! - It is time
- For a sueance! - Yeah!
Wait, what? What the fuck is a sueance?
Tom, I'm standing outside the South Park Courthouse
where experts have successfully summoned the ghost
of toilet inventor, Sir John Harrington.
Now that the spirit has crossed over from the dead,
lawyers are going to try and sue him.
Sir John Harrington,
your extreme negligence hath cost taxpayers millions!
No! No!
You will be sued, spirit! Thy liability is without question!
Appear before this court, Harrington!
Never!
Quick, everyone, get out all your money!
Clyde?
Clyde...
Mom?
This lawyer is a fraud.
He has been swindling you and your friends for your money.
Fuck me, it's a ghost!
You can't sue the dead, Clyde.
Putting the toilet seat down is a matter of simple etiquette!
It's common sense, Clyde!
Oh, boy. Here we go.
Don't try and blame Mommy's death on anything
but your failure to do something I asked you time and time again to do.
It's your fault!
Now, hold on just a second! It's not anyone's fault!
I am sick and tired of all this nonsense over my porcelain toilet machine!
There he is! Sir John Harrington!
Quick! Sue him!
You can't sue me!
You're all using my toilet invention the wrong way!
When you have to sit and take a Sir Harrington,
you're supposed to be facing this way.
So you can use the little shelf for your books
and your quill and your ink!
I told you, you sit on it that way! I told you.
Why would I design it so that
when you're finished taking a Sir Harrington,
you have to stand up, turn around
and look down right at your Harrington to flush?
That's gross!
Well, yeah, but...
But if you sit on it that way you gotta take your pants all the way off!
Of course! Why do you think I designed toilet rooms with a laundry hole?
That's what that hole is for?
Oops.
So then... So then Clyde's mom's ghost is all like,
"Clyde, what have I told you, Clyde, you asshole?"
And Clyde's all like,
"Mom, leave me alone. I'm seriously, stop. Please!"
Dude, it was a riot!
That's not what I said.
Yeah, well, I'm just glad that stupid TSA crap is over with.
I know you've had a tough week, Clyde,
but at least your mom didn't die for nothing.
I mean, we're kind of right back to
the bathroom being the last bastion of American freedom
so technically your mom did die for nothing, but...
Clyde? Clyde?
Clyde, you there? Hello?