♪ ♪
- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
- ♪ Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- ♪ [muffled] ♪
- ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Last week, the students of this school
participated in the presidential fitness test.
I'm sad to announce that South Park Elementary
scored the lowest in health and fitness
in the entire country.
On the whole, you students actually scored fine.
But the president's fitness test
is scored on a school-wide average,
and one fourth grader at this school scored so low-
with a terrifying body-fat score
and high blood pressure and the cholesterol levels
of a 70-year-old man-
that it actually brought your entire school's average
down to the lowest in the country.
- [Yawns]
- However, the Presidential Fitness Program
never wants to single out one child,
because then that child might feel bad.
And so as far as we're concerned,
you're all a bunch of fat fuckin' pigs.
- Uh, could you please use a little different terminology?
- Sorry.
As far as the board is concerned,
you're all a bunch of fat fuckin' pigs.
And so it is the recommendation of this board
that every week, each class will alternate turns
giving up their recesses and instead reporting to P.E.
[All groan]
- All right, fourth grade class, you're up first.
We're gonna do some rope climbin'!
- God, this sucks!
- Four weeks, we got to do this?
- Well, let's just suck it up, guys.
All we can try to do is have a positive attitude about it.
- All right, McCormick, let's start with you.
Climb the rope.
- [Grunting]
- [Laughs] Look at Kenny.
He's so poor, huh, you guys?
His family's so poor, they couldn't pay the $3.99
for the gym outfit!
- All right, let's go, Broflovski.
- [Grunting]
- [Laughing] Look, you guys, a Jew on a rope!
You know what they call a Jew on a rope?
- All right, Cartman, stop ripping on other people
to make yourself feel less embarrassed about the fact
we're all here because of you.
- Hey, whoa, we are here because the average score was low!
That's on all of us!
- Because of you!
It's your fault that we have to do this.
We have to do this because you're unhealthy.
- Yeah. We're paying for your being fat.
- Wow, Craig.
I can't believe you just went there.
Here we were having a perfectly nice conversation
about Kenny being poor and Kyle being a Jew,
and you just decide to go 9/11 and bust out the "fat" quip.
- We are here because of you, Eric,
so just keep your mouth shut.
- Oh, my God!
Why doesn't everyone just back off?
I know how this works!
You're the 99% ganging up on the 1%!
- Oh, grow up.
- Jesus Christ!
The 99% is totally ganging up on me!
- That's what we mean by "grow up," dude!
Stop being a baby!
- Yeah, why don't you go home
and cry to your stuffed animals again?
- [Gasps]
[Crying]
[Sniffles]
And then-
and then Wendy said that they were the 99%
and I was the 1% and that made me not cool.
[Sobbing]
[As Clyde Frog] But, Eric, you are cool.
[Normal voice] I know, Clyde Frog,
but now the 99% is saying everything is my fault.
[Sobbing]
[As Peter Panda] It's not your fault, Eric.
How can they blame you
for what is clearly President Obama's fault?
[Sniffles]
[Normal voice] What do you mean, Peter Panda?
[As Peter Panda] You didn't make that stupid
presidential fitness test.
Obama did!
[As Polly Prissypants] Yeah, that's right, Eric!
You don't need to grow up.
You are awesome and cool.
[Normal voice] Thanks, Polly Prissypants.
I'm just so scared that all the kids at school
are gonna be talking about me behind my back.
[School bell rings]
[Indistinct chatter]
- Heh, and so then Skeletor told Terminator
he wanted a divorce,
and apparently it's all gonna be finalized soon.
- Dude, Butters, how many times do we have to go over this?
That's not Skeletor.
That's a woman named Maria Shriver.
- But then why does his face look like that?
[Doors bang]
- What?
What?
What are you guys talking about?
What are you guys doing? What are you talking about?
I knew it!
You guys are having a big 99% rally, aren't you?
Occupying the cafeteria?
You want to know why you guys are all here protesting?
Because you're pissed off,
but you actually think it's wrong
to be pissed off at a black president,
so you're all just pissed off at me!
Well, go ahead!
Have your little rally to figure out how to stick it to the 1%.
See what it gets you!
[Door slams]
- Hey, you know, Eric is right.
Maybe we should form a 99% club.
- Yeah, it's not a bad idea.
If all the students unite,
we can work together to fight the s-system!
- Yeah, the fifth graders agree.
We're all being punished for one lazy bitch.
Let's make him suffer.
- All we need is some good old-fashioned
d-d-d-diplomacy.
Hello, sir, we are here on behalf
of all fourth graders at South Park Elementary.
- Ah, yes, the fatty boom ballatie class.
How's the extra P.E. Treating you?
- Sir, we believe your fitness system is flawed
and that for 99% of us, it is unfair.
- And what do you want me to do about it?
- Well, sir, we believe that the 1%
should be dropped from the fitness results
so that our scores can be more accurate.
- [Sighs] Afraid that's impossible.
The national fitness test has very specific standards.
No one child can ever be made to feel singled out.
We don't even like to use
the term "physically fit" anymore
because it can make a student feel un-physically fit,
and then that student
might end up feeling like a total retard.
- Excuse me, could you use a different terminology, please?
- And then that "fourth grader"
might end up feeling like a total retard.
- Sir, all of the students already know who the 1% is.
- All you're doing is making the 99% more angry.
I warn you, this could turn very ugly.
- Mom, have you been here all day?
- No, sweetie, I've been at the hair salon.
Why? - Somebody's been in my room!
Fucking 99 percenters!
What did they take?
- Are you sure, sweetie?
- Am I sure? Look at this place!
- But who would want to- - Don't you get it, Mom?
People voted for Obama,
so now that everything sucks, they have to blame me!
They didn't take my storm trooper watch.
My Arkham City game is still here.
What else could they have-
Oh, my God.
Clyde Frog!
- What?
- No.
No!
Clyde Frog!
They took Clyde Frog!
Clyde Frog!
Clyde?
Clyde Frog!
[Suspenseful music]
Clyde...
Clyde Frog!
I've known Clyde Frog since I was two years old.
He was a fighter, a visionary.
But most of all, Clyde Frog was the perfect friend.
He never said anything.
He never had his own ideas about what he wanted to do.
He just sat there going along with whatever I wanted,
a noble trait that seems lost on you 99 percenters.
And now we live in a world where one of you
has decided to become a murderer.
Well, whoever you are, I'm sure you're sitting there right now
in your little green hat,
with your left cheek resting against your hand, thinking,
"I'm not getting away with this, am I?"
Because whoever you are,
maybe you still have one little piece of humanity left,
covered up and tainted black
by years of Jewish propaganda and left-wing lies.
Maybe you just- - Shut the hell up, Cartman!
- Got something to say, Kyle?
- How do you murder a stuffed animal?
You tell us, Kyle!
B-b-but-but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
There's still a big investigation to come.
And until we prove beyond a reasonable doubt
who the killer was,
you are all just as guilty as Kyle.
Thank you so much. Bagpipes, please.
[Somber bagpipe music]
♪ Fly, fly, little dove ♪
♪ To the welcome arms of Christ above ♪
♪ Your tears are finally gone ♪
- Where's our $5?
- ♪ Fly to- ♪ What?
- It said in the email, if we came, we each got $5.
- Yeah.
- $5 has been donated in each of your names
to the Clyde's Law Foundation.
♪ Fly, fly to Christ ♪
[all groaning] - We got screwed.
- Oh, fine. Go on and leave!
I'm gonna find out who did this to Clyde,
and I'm gonna have your fuckin' balls!
♪ Fly to Christ ♪
- Sir, sir, you remember the kids
from that South Park Elementary School?
- Oh, yes, the boom boom chubby choom choom school.
- They're all protesting outside,
saying our system isn't fair to the 99% of them.
- Oh, my Jesus!
Oh, not a 99% rally!
- I sure hope this works.
- Tom, I'm reporting from the middle of a protest,
where two fourth grade students are fed up
and have decided to occupy Red Robin.
Occupy Red Robin has been going on for several hours now,
and, boys, technically, I am part of the 99%,
so what do I have to say about all this?
- Thank you all so much for coming.
I realize that Clyde Frog's death
is as shocking to all of you as it is to me.
[As Peter Panda] Why would somebody do
such a terrible thing?
[As Polly Prissypants] Why would somebody hurt
Clyde Frog, Eric,
especially because you are so awesome and cool?
[Normal voice] I know that I'm awesome and cool,
Polly Prissypants,
but it has little relevance at the moment
to Clyde Frog's murder.
[As Rumpertumpskin] Let's stop this charade, Eric,
and let's get down to business.
[Normal voice] What do you mean, Rumpertumpskin?
[As Rumpertumpskin] We all know who fucking killed Clyde Frog,
and she's the same dirty slut
who's been fucking with us our whole lives!
- Eric, sweetie, is everything okay?
- [As Polly Prissypants] Does everything look okay?
[As Peter Panda] Sit down, you fucking bitch.
[Normal voice] Yes. Sit down, Mother.
We are all having a tea party.
- Sweetie, I see that you're a little disturbed right now,
but maybe you can-
- [as Polly Prissypants] Shut your fat pie hole, bitch!
[As Rumpertumpskin] Yeah, you know what you did, skank!
You let Clyde Frog get murdered!
- No, Rumpertumpskin, I didn't!
I swear!
- [As Marc] then why did you write in your diary
it was probably time for Eric
to grow out of his stuffed animals anyway?
[Normal voice] That's an excellent point,
Muscle Man Marc.
Please continue.
[As Marc] Well, all I'm saying, Eric, is that-
- Sweetie, you really can just talk to me if you-
- [as Marc] All I'm saying, Eric,
is that you went through your mom's diary for a reason!
- Eric, I promise you.
I didn't do anything to your favorite toy.
Whoever did this to you, I hate them as much as you do.
And I'd do anything to get to the bottom of it!
- So, then, we are all going to need some more tea.
[Spoon clanking softly]
[Bongos playing]
♪ ♪
- You better give me every cop you got on the South Side!
I don't care where ABC parks their truck,
as long as it doesn't block the fire trucks.
Jesus, this protest is getting out of hand.
All right, what exactly are we dealing with?
- It's not good.
The protest has quadrupled in size since this morning.
As you can see from this aerial photograph,
the protest now covers almost two square miles.
We have riot officers here, here, and here.
The media has been contained to this area.
- And where are the actual protesters?
- Oh, these two people right here.
- How are we gonna contain this thing?
- I'm afraid it's about to get worse.
You see this area here?
This is where we're setting up the stage for Bon Jovi.
- Bon Jovi? - These are good cops.
We can't have them standing around for hours
without some entertainment.
The problem is, with this area blocked by napping tents,
we have no place to serve the officers beer.
- Damn it! Don't these protesters know
what this is all heading towards?
Full-on class warfare.
- [Snoring softly]
[Fire crackling]
[Sniffs]
[Grunting]
What the hell?
Aah!
Mom!
Mom, my room is...
Aah! Peter Panda!
[Siren wailing]
[Indistinct police radio chatter]
- The fire started with this.
Definitely a case of arson.
Somebody hates this kid.
- Don't you touch him! Leave him alone!
Peter Panda!
[As Peter Panda] E-Eric...
[normal voice] Don't try to talk, Peter Panda.
You're gonna be okay.
[As Peter Panda] Eric...
remember...
to s-s-stay cool.
[Sobbing]
- Sorry, kid, we need to take this as evidence.
- No!
Peter Panda, no!
- The 99 percenters movement continues to grow
as more and more Americans occupy Red Robin.
I asked some of the people
exactly what they hope to accomplish.
And, sir, what do you hope to accomplish by this movement?
- I like the, uh, A1 peppercorn burger.
And they got, um...
bottomless fries.
- And as the protesters inside Red Robin unite together,
word is that filmmaker Michael Moore
has joined the protesters outside.
- I look out at the faces of you protesters,
and I see the future of America!
We are the 99%!
Yeah!
[Knocking]
- Hey, dude.
Are you the guys messing with Cartman's stuffed animals?
- Maybe we are, and maybe we aren't.
You got any proof?
- Well, it's just you and your friends
were the ones saying Cartman needs to suffer.
- That doesn't prove anything!
That fat little fuck is finally getting what's coming to him.
- Yeah, but, dude, he seriously could have died in that fire.
- He's in your class, but you don't deal with him.
So we are gonna remedy the situation.
We've got big plans.
Just stay out of our way and let the men handle this.
- Thank you so much for allowing Eric and I to stay here.
- Of course.
You can't be staying in a home with that much fire damage.
- To be honest, we're just a little surprised
your son begged you to stay with us.
We never knew your son and our son were so close.
- I asked little Eric where he would feel safest,
and he said with his friend Token.
- This window locks from the inside, right?
And this door has a lock on it too?
Don't worry, Polly Prissypants. You're gonna be safe here.
In this day and age, black people
are just impervious to being fucked with,
so we will be all right.
- Why are you involving me in this?
- Token, please.
You're the only person I can trust,
because in today's time, black people are somehow
incapable of doing anything wrong.
- Breaking news from the Occupy Red Robin movement.
The protesters have decreased in number from two to one,
as one of the protesters has apparently splintered off
from the group to start a new movement,
Occupy the Restroom.
- Tom, Occupy the Restroom
has been going on for almost 30 minutes now,
certainly a sign that this country
Is more divided than ever.
These 99 percenters are fed up,
and as a result, you can clearly see this restroom is...
occupied.
[Toilet flushes]
Tom, it looks like the movement is finished,
but from the time it took,
it must have been a pretty decent-sized movement.
- [Crunching]
[Remote control clicking]
- Will you stop changing channels
and just pick something?
- What do you want to watch, Polly Prissypants?
- This is my room. I'll take the remote from you.
- Nuh-uh, 'cause I'll tell my mom on you
when our parents get home.
- You're a guest here. Your mom isn't in charge.
- Nuh-uh, 'cause my house got burned down,
so everyone has to feel bad for me.
[Chime dinging]
- What is that? What is that?
- That's the alarm that someone's in the backyard.
- What? Who? - I don't know.
- I thought I was safe here!
Stay there, guys. I'll be right back!
Who's there?
Lock that door behind you, Token.
Black people live here!
- The motion detector!
- Ah!
[Both grunt]
Aha!
I knew it was you, Kyle!
- It's not me! I'm here to help you, fat ass!
- Oh, sure.
- Stop it, Cartman. It's true.
We came to keep an eye out.
Steven Tamil said he had something really big planned.
- Steven Tamil?
The fifth grader?
Oh, shit!
I told you to lock that door, Token!
No.
No, no, no, no!
Where are they, Kenny?
- [Muffled]
- Agh!
[Lock clicks]
- Hey, Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
- I don't trust any of you assholes!
Where are you sons of bitches?
- All right, guys, you ready?
Both: Ready!
- Here we go!
- Hey, what are you fifth graders doing?
- We are the 83%!
We are tired of being punished for the fourth grade class!
The fourth grade is sticking it to the other 83% of the school!
- Now, hold on a second, fellas.
If you're the 83%, then our class is only 17%.
- Yeah, how can the 17% be sticking it to the 83%?
- Because your class has Cartman in it,
and he's the 1%!
- But if he's 1% of 17%, then he's 0.17%.
- This is it.
The inevitable has happened at Occupy Red Robin!
It is full-on class warfare!
- And now class warfare is breaking out.
Apparently it is the fourth grade class
versus the fifth grade class.
- It's here! Class warfare is finally here!
- Yeah!
- Hello? [Thunder booming]
Whoever you are, just give them back!
Haven't you done enough to me?
[Water bubbling]
Muscle Man Marc!
[Screaming]
[Thunder booming]
Polly Prissypants?
Rumpertumpskin?
Jesus Christ!
[As Rumpertumpskin] Eric, don't come any closer!
[Normal voice] Who did this to you?
[As Rumpertumpskin] You said you wouldn't let
anything happen to us!
[Normal voice] Don't worry! I'll get you down!
[As Rumpertumpskin] No, Eric! Don't come any-
[click, rapid beeping]
[Explosion]
[Screaming]
[Normal voice] Rumpertumpskin!
Rumper...
[sobbing] Rumpertumpskin.
Why?
Why did you do this?
[As Polly Prissypants] It's okay, Eric.
It's over now.
[Normal voice] Polly?
Polly Prissypants?
You did this?
[As Polly Prissypants] Don't you see?
The kids at school were right, Eric.
It was time for us to grow up.
[Normal voice] You got rid of Clyde Frog.
You burned Peter Panda.
[As Polly Prissypants] Yes, they're gone.
And now we can grow up and be together.
[Normal voice] They were your friends!
[As Polly Prissypants] They were holding us back!
All the kids making fun of you at school,
saying you're not cool.
Your stuffed animals all had to be gotten rid of.
Don't you see?
[Doorknob rattling]
- It's dead bolted. Token!
Token, you in there?
- [Normal voice] Polly Prissypants,
when people find out we did all this,
we're gonna get in total trouble!
[As Polly Prissypants] No, I've thought of everything.
It all happened here
so that everyone will think Token did it.
All the blame will be on him,
and we can live happily ever after.
[Normal voice] Just one problem.
You say I had to grow up, to get rid of all my dolls.
You forget one crucial thing, Polly Prissypants.
That nobody would possibly blame Token for all this,
because in today's day and age,
you can't blame a black person for anything.
[As Polly Prissypants] Oh, no.
You're totally right!
But I thought my plan was perfect!
I failed! I failed you!
You have to kill me, Eric, so that you don't get blamed.
[Normal voice] No! I've lost every stuffed animal.
I won't lose you too!
[As Polly Prissypants] It's the only way now.
You have to do it.
Please.
I can't live with myself after what I've done!
Please, you have to do it, Eric.
[Sniffling]
[Normal voice] I...
All right.
Good-bye, Polly Prissypants.
I love you.
[As Polly Prissypants] Say hello to the sunrise for me.
[Sobbing]
[Gunshot]
[Sobbing]
[Gunshots]
[Crying]
- Dude, what the hell?
- We told him to grow up...
so he got rid of his stuffed animals.
- My little Eric can sometimes be a bit dramatic.
[Giggles sheepishly]
- Occupy Red Robin is over.
Class warfare has torn apart the 99%
and replaced it with the 30%, the 26%,
and even little brackets of 5% here and there.
What does this mean for our country?
What does this mean for me?
- Hey, get down to State Street!
They're occupying Macaroni Grill!
- Oh, hell, yeah!
I'll occupy me some goat cheese peppadew peppers!