♪ ♪
- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
- ♪ Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- ♪ [muffled] ♪
- ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
[mysterious music]
♪ ♪
- [farts]
[Both laughing]
- That one was smelly!
Take this, Dali Terrance!
[Farts]
[Both laughing]
- Dude, this is probably
the best episode they've ever done!
- I know! This is awesome!
- Oh! I'm so happy!
- Terrance and Phillip will be right back
after these messages.
- ♪ So much suffering ♪
- Oh, no!
It's that super sad Sarah McLachlan commercial!
Look away! - What?
- Dude, this is the saddest commercial ever.
Don't watch!
- These are images of babies born addicted to crack cocaine.
Their mothers have abandoned them.
They lie in the dark, crying, with nobody to hold them.
- Oh, dude, that's so sad.
- Why do they have to put this on TV?
- Their world is bleak, Ionely, and hopeless.
Hello, I'm Sarah McLachlan,
and I was famous for two months.
Each year, thousands of babies are born addicted to crack
and lie in hospitals without a mother to hold them.
Won't you volunteer today?
Look at these pictures. They need you.
- Ugh, dude. - Agh, God!
- Please, go to your local hospital now.
Here are some more pictures.
♪ Keep holding on ♪
- I can't take it anymore. I got to go volunteer, dude.
- ♪ Keep holding on ♪
- It's a really great thing you're doing.
We have so many abandoned babies
and not enough people like yourself who care.
- What exactly can I do to help?
- Just hold them, talk to them, play with them.
You'll find they're so hungry for attention.
Here's our crack baby ward now.
[Babies crying]
I know it isn't much,
but we don't have a lot of funding, you see.
- Oh, it's-it's so sad.
- Come-come right over here.
We have a decent room here
where you can play with the babies
and nurture them.
It's actually really great you're volunteering now,
because our other little boy volunteer
is just finishing up.
- Oh, hey, Kyle.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm volunteering.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm volunteering my time, Kyle.
- Young Eric has been here every day
for the past two weeks, bless his heart.
- Why do you have a video camera?
- I'm volunteering, Kyle!
It just so happens
Sarah McLachlan touched my heart.
Is that so hard to believe?
Good-bye, Nurse Williams. See you tomorrow.
- Bye, Eric!
[Elevator dings]
- I'm sorry.
Can I come back in just a little bit?
- Certainly.
We're here all the time, unfortunately.
- Thanks.
[Downbeat jazz music]
♪ ♪
[keyboard keys clacking]
- What's going on?
- [Screams]
- Aw, crap.
Okay, Kyle, you caught us.
I admit we aren't actually doing
volunteer work at the hospital.
- So what are you doing?
- What if I were to tell you
there's a way to help those poor babies
born addicted to crack
and give them a future as well?
- All right, what is it?
- Crack Baby Basketball.
Whoa, whoa, Kyle, come on! Don't tell on us!
We could actually really use you!
- Why do you need me?
- Because we need a Jew to do the bookkeeping.
Damn it.
Kyle, wait. I-
Kyle! Hold on a second!
- I knew you were doing something terrible!
- What's terrible, Kyle?
We fill a little ball with crack,
we let the crack babies fight over it,
and we put it up on the internet.
Who cares?
- Lots of people will when I tell them!
- We made $1,000 in 11 days.
- You what?
- Ask the guys.
There's six hospitals within a ten-mile radius,
and all we do is pit the crack babies
against each other with a little ball of crack.
- $1,000.
- This thing is huge.
And it doesn't hurt the crack babies at all.
We're swimming in cash, Kyle.
Let me take you out to Denny's.
It's Baconalia time.
- ♪ I be rockin' them beats ♪
- ♪ Y-y-yeah, yeah, huh, huh, huh ♪
- After you.
- ♪ Here we go, here we go, satellite radio ♪
- Oh, there's a big wait to sit down.
- Ah, Mr. Cartman!
We have your table waiting, sir!
- Come on.
We started with two crack babies and a camera.
Butters did all the internet stuff.
We've built up to 1,000 hits a day.
- Jesus Christ. - It's awesome.
- It's the good life, Kyle.
We've come here every night
for Denny's Baconalia specials.
- Every single night! - Look at the menu.
Bacon inside pancakes, bacon meatloaf.
They even have a bacon sundae for dessert.
- Wow.
- We are turning this thing into a legitimate sport, Kyle.
We're getting Slash to start playing at halftime,
and EA Sports is offering us $100,000
for the video game rights.
- ♪ I like that boom boom pow ♪
♪ Them chicks be jackin' my style ♪
♪ They try and copy my swagger ♪
♪ I'm on the next shit now ♪
- We've got a constant flow of athletes
that never dries up, Kyle.
And best of all, it's all charity,
so it's tax-free.
- ♪ That future boom, boom, boom ♪
- We'll put your office right here, Kyle.
All of South Park walking by, looking up at you.
- And it actually helps the crack babies.
It's like volunteering,
but-but we just make a little on the side.
- Somebody's got to eat all that bacon, Kyle.
Might as well be us.
Welcome to the firm.
♪ ♪
- Go long, Token! Go! Go!
- Hey, Stan! Dude, I want you to have this.
It's the 20 bucks I owed you, plus $30 interest.
- Wow! Really?
- I got a job, Stan.
I am making tons of money
doing some really cool stuff.
- Doing what?
- Crack Baby Basketball.
- Dude.
- No, no, it's not like it sounds.
Here, check it out!
See, look.
We just video the babies
fighting over a ball full of crack.
It's really getting popular.
[Babies crying]
I mean, it-it's cool,
because like the commercial said,
the crack babies had nothing before.
[Crying continues]
It's-it's great because everyone wins, you know?
You see that? 2 million hits!
[Crying continues]
Did you know they're putting bacon inside of pancakes
at Denny's?
[Knocking]
- Betsy Maclntosh?
- What do you want?
- We heard about you through the Passages Sobriety Clinic.
They said you've skipped out on your rehab once again.
- Oh, God!
- We need to speak with you, ma'am.
- [Sobbing]
It's like these voices in my head won't be quiet
until I use again.
- And so am I correct that you are 81/2 months pregnant
and still addicted to cocaine?
- I don't want my baby born addicted to drugs,
but I can't stop!
[Sobbing]
- Well, ma'am, I have some exciting news.
We would like your child
to play for the Crack Baby Athletic Association.
- [Clapping]
- The what?
- We believe that St. Mary's
is the best hospital for your child,
and we're prepared to offer it a full ride.
Now, do you know yet if your child is male or female
or so deformed, you'll never be able to tell?
- They said it's a boy.
- Just sign the paper,
and he'll be playing ball for St. Mary's.
- [Sobbing] How much will he make?
- Well, nothing.
Crack baby players can't make a salary, based on the rules.
- So, what, you would make money off of my child?
That doesn't seem fair.
- I don't make the rules, ma'am.
I just think them up and write them down.
Now, if you'd be willing to sign right here,
we can get things rolling-
- Can't you change the rules?
- Ugh.
Ma'am, the Crack Baby Athletic Association
is a storied franchise.
It was founded over 12 days ago
with a firm ethical code that strictly states
benefits to players is detrimentalized
to their well-being.
I cannot offer you or your child any cash.
I can, however,
offer you a little bit of crack.
Butters?
[Video game sound effects]
[Door clicks open and shut]
- Dude, what actually makes total sense about it,
if you look at it, is that the crack babies
are finally getting some attention
and the care that they need.
Yeah, it's pretty cool, dude,
because most of these babies would normally
not even get out, you know, or be able to do anything.
Just because we are making money
doesn't mean that those babies aren't benefiting.
It isn't exploiting them!
They're finding a useful place in society.
What's unethical about that?
- You sound like Cartman.
- Ooh.
Dude, the thing is,
we're not the ones that made them crack babies.
That's their moms' goddamn fault!
- Yeah, I'm sure that's what Cartman would say too.
- I do not sound like Cartman, God damn it!
Okay, so... see ya.
[Door clicks open and shut]
- It's the easiest thing in the world!
How could you guys have screwed this up?
All I asked you to do was to get Slash
to play at halftime for the matchup
between the crack babies at Cedars-Sinai and DU.
- We're just having a hard time finding him.
- Slash is not hard to find!
He'll show up to play anywhere if you pay him!
He played at my eighth birthday party,
for Christ's sake!
Look! Look, he's playing at Lakewood Mall right now!
Now, you guys get down there- [phone rings]
Oh, crap, the president of EA Sports is calling.
Just go! Go!
Mr. Peters, how are you?
Yes, sir, we're very excited about our deal with you as well!
Oh, we know the video game version
of Crack Baby Basketball will be a big hit too.
[Whispering] Hey, Kyle, have a seat.
- I need to talk to you.
- Mr. Peters, can I call you back?
Our company accountant needs me.
Yes, he is Jewish.
Okay, thanks, Mr. Peters. Bye!
How's it goin', man?
- In our deal with EA Sports,
we are giving them the right to use
images of the crack babies and their names,
but we aren't paying the crack babies.
- They can't make money. It's against the rules.
- But this video game could make a million dollars.
We have to give the crack babies a piece of that.
- Kyle, it says right there, rule number three:
Crack baby players cannot receive compensation
of any kind for their play.
- But they're the ones risking injury.
- What do you want me to do, Kyle,
find a stepladder of some kind and risk my safety
to get up and there and change the rules?
- The government could come after us, Cartman.
- We're a nonprofit company, Kyle.
- So then where did the $800 we made
from selling an internet ad to Payless Shoe Source go?
- [Scoffs]
To things we need to keep the office running, Kyle.
Here, look!
- A hot tub?
- It's not just a hot tub. Taste it.
Go ahead, taste it.
- Gravy?
- Kentucky Fried Chicken gravy.
- No way.
- A hot tub full of KFC gravy, Kyle.
Did you ever think you would see that in your lifetime?
Kyle, as owners of this company,
we owe it not only to ourselves
but to the crack babies
to be as stress-free and clearheaded as possible.
McDonald's French fries and KFC gravy.
The French call this poutine.
- No, but, dude,
we can't license our games to EA Sports
and pay the crack babies nothing.
Slavery is illegal!
- It's not illegal, Kyle. Tell you what.
I'll do some undercover work
and find out how the other companies get away with it.
- What other companies?
- Dean Howland, a representative
from another prestigious institution is here to see you.
- A what? Send him in.
- [Southern accent] Hello, sir!
The name is Eric P. Cartman.
I'm a well-respected owner in the slave trade.
- In the what?
- My peaches, what a wonderful office
you got yourself here.
Certainly got yourself a lucrative business, don't ye?
Well, let me get right down to it, then.
Like yourself, I am also in the slave trade.
[Inhales]
But at the moment, I find myself
in a little quandary with legal issues.
Was wonderin' if you could share some secrets.
- I have no idea what you're talking about.
- You have some
mighty strong-lookin' workers here, sir.
I'd be willin' to offer ya $40 for two of the white ones
and 50 for the blacks.
- Are you referring to our student athletes?
- Student ath-o-letes!
Ho, ho! That is brilliant, sir!
Now, when we sell their likeness for video games,
how do we get around paying for our slaves-
student ath-o-letes then?
- Look, there are good reasons
why our student athletes cannot be paid, young man!
- I ain't arguing!
If they got paid, then how would we make
all our money, right?
- We do not own slaves,
and we have no desire to own slaves.
- But of course you own slaves, because-
Oh, right!
[Clears throat]
Of course you don't have desire to own slaves, sir.
Neither do I.
And if there was any government agency
listenin' in on this here conversation,
they should know that we're not talkin'
'bout slave ownership 't all!
[Whispering] All right, so now how do you get around
not paying your slaves?
- Get out!
This is a prestigious university,
and I am not saying one more word to you!
- You think you can do whatever you want
just because your corporation is a university?
This country was founded on the ideals
that one corporation couldn't hog all the slaves
while the rest of us wallow in poverty!
Screw you, sir. I'm goin' home.
- Here's the thing.
Whether or not I'm a part of it,
Crack Baby Basketball is popular.
Somebody's going to do it.
So the only way for me to try and help the situation
is to be involved in it
so that I can steer things in a direction
that's more beneficial to the actual crack babies.
Oh, it's so easy for you, isn't it?
I mean, what do you have to do except lay there
and think about what you did at school today
or what you want to watch on TV tomorrow?
Well, sorry, Skippy,
but the world isn't always black and white.
Just because some people are born poorer than others
doesn't mean I can't enjoy a few McDonald's French fries
in a hot tub of gravy from Kentucky Fried Chicken!
- McDonald's French fries in a hot tub of KFC gravy?
- It happens to be called poutine in Montreal!
[Door clicks open and shut]
- How hard can it be, Clyde?
You walk up to Slash when he's playing at the mall,
and you offer him a deal!
- We must have just missed him.
He was playing at Cherry Creek mall
and then Flatirons mall.
Now we don't know where to go
because Slash is playing the Pavilion in Colorado Springs
and the Gigadome in Moscow later this afternoon.
- How can Slash be playing in Colorado Springs
and Moscow at the same time?
- We don't know. He's everywhere.
- Look, you morons,
Slash clearly has a fan club, right?
So just go to the post office
and find out where the mail gets sent,
and then you have Slash's home address.
- Oh, that's a good idea.
- Yeah, it's a good idea!
Now go get us Slash for halftime!
Jesus Christ!
Are we the only two intelligent people
in this entire company, Kyle?
God damn!
- All right, Cartman, I've been doing
a lot of thinking about how the company
is gonna spend the money we make off the EA Sports deal.
We are going to use 30% of the money
to build an orphanage for the crack babies.
- What?
- I've designed it to be the best place for them to live,
a place where they can finally
have the care and happiness they deserve.
And if you think it's a bad idea,
I really don't care!
- Oh, my God.
It's genius, Kyle!
- What?
- This is the answer to our problems!
A $300,000 building, but we buy ourselves
a million dollars' worth of goodwill with the public!
We can say we gave our "student athletes"
a place to live and grow for a few years!
It's like moral Teflon!
I knew we needed a Jew in this company, Kyle!
Great work!
- Let me get this straight.
You kids want me to tell you where Slash lives?
- Please, sir, it's very important.
- Well, I'm afraid I can't do that, kids.
- But we have a big deal with EA Sports
that depends on it.
- Come on!
Kids write to Slash every day.
But it all just goes into this big pile over here.
The reason I can't tell you where Slash lives
is because he don't live nowhere.
Don't you ever wonder how Slash can be all those places
at the same time?
It's because he's made-up.
- Don't spoil it for the kids, Marty!
It's up to parents to decide
when to tell their children Slash ain't real.
[Phone rings]
- Hello?
- Dad, is Slash real or make-believe?
- Oh, dear.
Clyde's asking about Slash.
- Ooh. Well, the day had to come.
- Clyde, the truth is, Slash isn't a person.
He's more like a feeling in your heart, you know?
- Slash isn't real.
- Get out of here.
- Clyde, sometimes people like to pretend
with make-believe characters.
He's not really a lie.
He's like a- - He's like love.
People all over the world dress up like Slash
and have different names for Slash.
The Dutch call him Vunter Slaush.
- He's made-up, and people dress like him
and pretend to be him to their kids.
- Your mother's Dutch, you know, Clyde.
How did that old folk song go, honey?
- ♪ Vunter Slaush kapunshka ♪
both: ♪ Spieler in mein shunshka ♪
- And so 30% of the money we make
off of the licensing agreement with EA Sports
goes to the orphanage for the needy crack babies.
Did you see the blueprints?
The babies will have their own putt-putt golf course.
Why does it matter how much I'm making, Stan?
If the crack babies are getting a place to grow and develop,
why does my salary matter?
- You guys! You guys!
We've got some bad news.
Slash isn't real.
- What?
- Slash isn't real.
He's a made-up person that represents care and giving,
and people dress up like him and lie to their kids.
- Slash is make-believe?
- Here, look for yourself.
He's based on a fable of a Dutch saint named Vunter Slaush.
- Vunter Slaush? - What?
- But then who played at my eighth birthday party?
- One of our parents.
- But then who was the guitar player for Guns N' Roses?
- One of our parents!
- Are you fucking serious?
- You guys are ten years old,
and you just figured out that Slash isn't real?
Oh, my God.
- You knew about this?
- My parents told me Slash wasn't real when I was five.
Jesus Christ!
- Well, what the heck do we do now?
- Look, let's just get our money from EA Sports
and get out of this whole thing once and for all!
- [Southern accent] Boys, I want to thank you
for bringing the CBAA franchise here to EA Sports.
You've made us a lot of money!
- Wait a minute.
According to this, you now own all the rights
to Crack Baby Basketball and we get nothing.
- Yes, our lawyers are damn good.
But you didn't get nothing.
Why, you boys got experience, didn't you?
You got a chance to play in the big leagues.
Sure, we here at EA might have made all the money,
but you little workers had a chance
to make somethin' of yourselves.
I'd give you some free video games,
but it's against the rules.
- You can't do this!
We were gonna build an orphanage
so the crack babies have somewhere to go!
- Oh, well...
fuck 'em.
And fuck you too.
I piss in your faces.
- I just can't believe Slash isn't real.
- I know.
It's messing with my head so hard.
- You guys, we've just been screwed over and lied to!
- I know, right?
I was always extra good before my birthday, too,
because I was told Slash would come and play for me.
- Well, boys, this has been real educational and all,
but now let's part with that old EA Sports sayin':
Get the fuck out of my buildin'.
[Can clatters]
- It's unbelievable, Stan.
EA Sports just used us the entire time.
We worked for nothing, and EA made all the money.
No, I don't think we actually deserved getting screwed over.
But-but I guess making tons of money
off of people who are making nothing
is always gonna cause problems.
I know! I know, right?
We might have got screwed, but the really tragic thing
is that those- those poor crack babies
at the hospitals are just gonna be stuck there
with nowhere to go.
No way!
This is it! - It's what?
- This is it, Stan!
It's just like I designed it!
There's the miniature golf course over there
and slides and the-
Excuse me. What is this place?
- Isn't it wonderful?
All the crack babies will have a home now.
- But who paid for all this?
- Kyle, Kyle! Look.
[Magical music]
♪ ♪
- You don't think that-
But he isn't real.
- Maybe.
Or maybe we haven't been told such a big fib after all.
Children: ♪ Vunter Slaush kapunshka ♪
♪ Spieler in mein shunshka ♪
♪ Het waait Axl Rose-a ♪
♪ Danke, Vunter Slaush-a ♪
- He is real, you guys.
Children: ♪ Spieler in mein shunshka ♪
♪ Het waait Axl Rose-a ♪