♪ ♪
- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- ♪ Ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪
- ♪ Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- ♪ [muffled] ♪
- ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
[bell rings]
- And so then, and so then it turns out
the Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago,
meaning Terminator could be his own father.
And then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him!
- No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5.
That really happened.
- Skeletor's real?
- No, dude, that's not Skeletor.
That's Terminator's wife.
- Skeletor's a lady?
- God damn it!
Who the fuck who do they think they are?
This is the last fucking straw!
I am going to fucking kill everybody!
- Hey, Eric.
- I am so sick of this fucking school!
- Whoa!
- This stupid school and its stupid principal
have gone too far this time!
- You get in trouble again, Cartman?
- No! I didn't do a damn thing.
Nothing!
I told you, this school is a den of snakes!
You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys.
- Dude, we're just trying to eat.
- Oh, you think I'm overreacting again, huh?
No, not this time!
Argh!
The school has gone too far,
and it affects each and every one of you!
You remember the school physical we all took last week?
- Yeah.
- Well, the school put the sizes of all our penises
up on a big chart in the school hallway!
- No, they didn't.
- Yeah, they fucking did, Kyle!
- Dude, why would the school put up
the sizes of our wieners?
- Because they don't fucking care!
I've told you this!
They don't give a shit about the students,
and they live to make us miserable!
- That doesn't make any sense.
- Go look for yourselves!
[Boys muttering]
There, you see?
Can you fucking believe it?
- Is that really all our wiener sizes?
- Yeah, dude, look at it!
It says right there. Eric Cartman, 1.2 inches.
Why would they tell everybody that?
They wanna measure my wiener? Fine!
But don't put me on blast!
- Craig Tucker, 2.4 inches.
Yeah, that's about right.
- Butters Stotch, 2.2 inches. Is that good?
- How big do they say mine is?
[Boys chattering]
- I told you the students would be interested
in how much they grew since their last physical.
- You're right.
They really seem into it, mkay.
- Wait, it says mine's only 2.1 inches.
That doesn't seem right.
- No shit, Sherlock!
My dick isn't 1.2 inches either.
It isn't!
This is another conspiracy by the school faculty!
- A conspiracy?
- They're trying to stir up some big thing again,
get all the girls all heated up and freaking out
over which boy has the biggest schlong!
This has to be dealt with!
- Well, everyone's already seen it.
Nothing we can do about it now.
- Oh, there's something we can do about it, all right.
If they're gonna put us on blast,
they are at least gonna get the numbers right.
We are going to re-measure!
- All right. Clyde Donovan, 2.3 inches.
You see, witnesses?
That's.2 inches more
than what the school said.
- All right. - Nice one, Clyde.
All right, next.
Whip it out, Butters.
- Oh, it's a little chilly in here.
- All right, Butters,
let's see what you got going on down there.
- Hey, wait, the cold is makin' it shrink some.
Where you goin', little feller?
- Butters, I don't have time for this.
I can't wait if your wiener is pullin' a scared turtle.
- Hang on, he's comin' back out.
There he is!
Who's a little guy?
- All right, Butters, looks like we have 2 point-
Wow. 2.4 inches. Really nice, Butters.
- I'm hung like a horse!
- All right, that's everybody!
Let's go post these numbers!
What?
- Didn't you forget something?
- What, Kyle?
- You measured everyone's wiener except for yours.
- I measured mine this morning.
See? It's right here at the top.
- 13.7 inches?
- Yeah, it's pretty good.
- Your wiener is not 13 inches long!
- You made everyone else get measured with witnesses.
You have to too.
- Well, what are you guys gonna do?
Use a tape measure and measure my penis yourselves?
Are you homos?
- You just did that to everybody in class!
- Okay! Fine! Whatever! Go ahead!
- Yeah, that's good.
A little higher on Craig's side.
Yeah.
- Actual boys' penis sizes? - Gross!
- Yeah, you see?
My wiener isn't 1.2 inches. It's 1.4!
- What, red?
You all freakin' out 'cause my wiener is smaller
than the other guys'?
I don't care!
Clearly, I'm very happy with the size of my wiener,
or else, why would I have called for a new measurement
and for this poster to be put up at all?
Don't forget that this was all my idea!
- Eric Cartman to the principal's office
immediately!
- Oh, God damn it!
Let me guess. I'm in trouble again.
- You're darn right, Eric. - For what?
- Why did you measure all the boy students' penis sizes
and put the results on the school bulletin board?
- Why did you measure our penis sizes
and put the results on the school bulletin board?
- What?
- I don't care if Obama is president!
You don't go around putting little boys on blast,
telling the whole world the lengths of their dicks!
- Wait.
Are you talking about the numbers
we published Tuesday from the physicals?
- You're damn right! 1.2 inches.
I'll have you know that my penis
is a respectable 1.4 inches!
Maybe it's still the smallest in the school,
but it's.2 inches bigger than you said!
- The numbers we put up were height differentials!
- What?
- We thought it would be fun to put up
how much each student has grown in height
since their physical last year.
You grew 1.2 inches.
- Those weren't our dick sizes?
- Why would we publish the length
of our students' private parts?
- I don't know! Why would you?
- We didn't!
- Aw, crap!
You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller
than everyone else's because of me?
- This is exactly the kind of thing
we are always talking about, Eric.
You get angry about something, you don't think,
and you cause bad things to happen.
This time, you've done it to yourself.
- Oh, God.
Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it?
- Because you have an anger problem, Eric.
- Fuck you! No, I don't!
- What we need to figure out here is,
are we dealing with maybe a little bipolarism,
some rage addiction.
It could be a lot of things.
- My little sunshine has a temper sometimes,
but he's not all bad.
- Let's try a little experiment.
I want to see maybe what kind of things
trigger you, Eric, okay?
How do you think you would react
if I said some negative things about you?
- Honestly, I wouldn't really care.
- What if I were to tell you that I think you're fat?
I think you're a fat little boy.
I think you're way too fat for your age.
Does that make you feel any anger?
Huh, fatty? Jelly belly?
You got jelly in your belly, you little fat fuck?
You get a little flash of anger
when someone tells you you got tits
like a 40-year-old woman, fat boy?
Huh? You like that, shitty titty jelly belly?
[Gruff voice] Oh, yeah, he's a big boy!
Get that fatty some mud flaps for his ass!
Big ol' jiggly fatty butt!
- [Coughs]
- Huh.
Well, I just don't see it, Ms. Cartman.
Your son doesn't seem to be triggered by anger at all.
In fact, I'd say he's one of the more
even-tempered children I've ever seen.
- Sorry, Doctor. Your wife's on the phone.
Says it's an emergency. - Excuse me.
Carol, what-
Whoa, calm down, honey. What do you mean?
Web chat with-
What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would nev-
No, I don't have a criminal record!
Who is Mitch Conner?
There can't be an official police report, honey.
There's no- No, Carol, put down the gun!
Sweetie, come on, put down the-
[gunshot over phone line]
Carol? Carol!
- I'm not fat. I'm big-boned.
- Thank you for coming, parents.
We've called you in because we've had
a little incident at the school.
The fourth grade boys measured their penises
and posted results in the school hallway.
- Oh, dear.
- Now, we realize this issue can have a troubling effect
that can get blown out of proportion.
- Did they measure from the base or from the balls?
- How does the school let things like this happen?
- Now, now, boys' fascination with their genitalia
is a natural thing.
We simply need to find a way to help the students
understand what they've done.
- I'm a scientist.
I think it's best I handle this.
- Hello, students, my name is Dr. Marsh,
and I'm gonna talk to you a little bit
about what happened at the school yesterday.
How do a man and woman make a baby?
Anybody?
A man and a woman, what do they do to make a baby?
How about the little girl in the brown coat.
Yeah, you. - They have sex?
- Good!
The man puts his penis, okay,
into the woman's vagina.
Okay, now sometimes,
a man can feel like how long his penis is
is actually important.
But is it?
When you boys measured your penis length,
the truth is, it doesn't really matter.
What does matter is...
length times diameter
plus weight over girth
divided by angle of the tip squared.
Okay?
When we are talking about penis size,
we can't just use a tape measure.
We need a scale and a protractor as well.
Let's look at it on the graph here.
Follow along with me on your study sheets, kids.
- I want to congratulate all of you
for making the effort to come to anger management class.
- We didn't make any effort. We didn't have a choice!
- Yeah, this is bullshit!
- Together, we're gonna learn what makes us angry, okay,
and how to better deal with it
so we don't get our ourselves into trouble anymore.
- So lame.
Why doesn't everyone just die?
- [Heavy accent] Look,
if a somebody order the City Beef
and complain because they say
they order the City Shrimp,
it's not a my fault he gets City Chicken
poured all over his fucking head!
- We have good reason to be angry!
This country is going to shit!
We have exactly 12 days before the oil is gone,
and our president is a socialist
who wasn't even born in America!
- Right, see, what we all need to do
is channel our various reasons for anger
and learn to control it.
- Man, this shit is wack, mah.
I just seen all this shit frontin', mah.
I don't understand; it's like pops
ain't no fucking good, mah.
Bitch be callin', be tappin' that shit, mah.
- Why the fuck am I here?
- Well, Eric, because I know you want
to control your anger and become a better person.
- You saying I got problems like these fucking people?
- No, no! I'm not saying that at all.
Please, I'm just saying how amazing you are
for wanting to lessen some of your more
less awesome attributes.
- Oh, that's cool.
- And so, by dividing the weight
and the girth of the penis
by the angle, or the- what do we call it again?
The yaw, the yaw of the shaft.
What we finally get is the adjusted penis size,
or T.M.I.
Any questions so far?
Yes, little girl over there.
- What's a penis?
- Ah, good question.
Uh, the penis is the thing we're talking about
that boys have that we're measuring.
Okay, any other questions?
Okay, so then let's move on to the example
on your study sheet.
How about you?
Could you read the first example for the class?
Example one, young lady,
please read the problem out loud.
- "Example one:
Randy has a penis that is 4.4 inches in length."
- 4.4 inches.
- "Its angle is 32 degrees.
"Its flaccid girth is one inch in diameter.
His balls are 7 centimeters from the base."
- 7 centimeters.
- "Randy notes that the drift of his penis
"is 4 centimeters to penis right,
and its dead weight is.5 kilograms."
- Great, and so divide by the 17,
carry the 1, and we can see that
Randy's adjusted penis size, or T.M. I,
is... 6.3 inches.
Do we got that?
Randy's length is 4.4 inches,
but his adjusted length is 6.3.
So how does our example person, "Randy,"
compare to others on the T.M.I. Scale?
By referring again to the T.M.I. Chart,
we see that a T.M.I. Of 6.3
is.8 inches more than the national average.
- Okay, what we're going to do now
is get to the root of all your anger.
Daniel, could you stand up, please?
What makes you the angriest, Daniel?
- Stupid ass blind liberals!
- Okay, great.
Chase, could you stand up and pretend to be
a stupid ass blind liberal.
And what makes you angriest, Chase?
- Scrawny-ass sissies!
- Okay, Daniel is a scrawny-ass sissy.
He just cut in front of you in line at the bank.
Go! - Hey!
What, you think I got a small dick, huh?
- I don't have a small penis!
My wife thinks my penis is perfectly fine!
- Okay.
Uh, why don't we do some role-playing now
with Wayne D, who gets angriest at his mom?
Gretchen, could you play Wayne D's mom for us.
- Yo, bitch! You think you bad.
Just 'cause you a mom don't mean I can't
put a cap in your ass, bitch, mah!
- I may be female on the outside,
but I still have a bigger penis than you!
- I don't have a small penis. Don't say that!
It isn't true! It isn't true!
- That's enough!
I'm sick of everyone talk about penis size!
- Yeah, it doesn't matter! It doesn't matter!
- Does everyone here
have an issue with their penis size?
- No. - Nope.
- Not me. - Nah, mah shit be packin', mah.
- My penis is 13 inches long!
- Hmm.
- Kids, my name is Rebecca Turnoud,
and I'm an actual doctor
of human sexuality and behavior.
Unfortunately, you have been taught
some very wrong ideas in the past couple of days,
and I am here to set things straight.
- Thank God.
- I want you to try and forget
these wild theories and understand
that all that's important
when it comes to a man and a woman making love
is actually
length times girth over angle of the shaft,
divided by mass over width.
- [Speaking foreign language]
- Ugh! Unh!
[Both grunting]
- We all want to welcome our new member, Randy.
Say hi to everyone, Randy.
- Oh, suck it, all of you!
- Now, we've all been trying to channel our anger
in more constructive ways, Randy.
Why don't you share what's bothering you?
- You don't just go around changing math.
Who the hell is this chick surgeon general
appointed by Obama?
- God damn right!
Socialist fascists!
- Power to the people! Burn it down!
- Mr. Marsh, this is what we're here
to try and work on, okay?
- No, dude, fuck you! We're burnin' this shit!
If you take a minute to think about your anger and-
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Yeah! - Yeah, dude!
- Mah, that shit be burnin' and shit, mah!
- Unh!
- Yeah! [All shouting]
- Welcome to FedEx. How can I help you today?
- Yes, I've got some birthday presents I need shipped.
- All righty, let's see what kind of-
[glass shatters] - Burn it down!
- Burn it down, dude!
[People screaming]
- Huh! Huh! - Aah!
- Oh, no!
- Let's see how the American government
likes it when we shut down their Federal Express!
- Tom, I'm standing outside the FedEx
in Fairplay, Colorado,
where a radical political group
has taken several people hostage.
They call themselves the Pissed Off and Angry Party,
and they allowed me to speak with them moments ago.
- This is a call to all angry people!
We've had enough!
We're gonna hit the government where it hurts,
right in the Federal Express!
- What exactly are you angry about?
- We're angry about this stupid liberal government
and fascist lies, media control, and-
- And Jews! - Yeah, Jews!
And all the stuff that the government's doing!
- You've got a lot of people scared.
What are your demands?
- Well, first of all,
we want that Surgeon General to step down!
- Yeah! - And we want-
- And we wanna see Obama's real birth certificate!
- Yeah, we wanna see Obama's real birth certificate!
And, um-
- And my mom gotta stop trippin', mah.
Bitch be trippin' all the time, mah!
- Yeah, we want our moms to stop trippin, man,
'cause them bitches be trippin all the time!
And I think that- uh, is that it?
- No, and fuck Kyle!
- Oh, yeah, and fuck Kyle!
Surgeon general's resignation,
Obama's real birth certificate,
moms to stop trippin, and fuck Kyle.
You got that?
Or else we're gonna bring the Federal Express
to a grinding halt!
- Does it bother you that the Federal Express
is not affiliated at all with the federal government?
- No. No, that doesn't matter.
Fuck! Really?
- [Humming]
- Butters, what are you doing?
- Homework! I just don't get it!
That is the fourth time I've calculated,
and it's below average!
I thought I was hung, but according to my T.M.I.,
I have a micropenis!
- Your T.M. I?
- I don't understand it.
I'm startin'... - I'm startin' to feel angry!
Argh!
- Butters, put your clothes on!
- Oh, what's the point, mom?
What's the point of life, anyways?
All you do is yell at me!
And the government, it's just lead by fascists!
And everyone's a Justin Beiber wannabe!
I wanna go and drive a Hummer.
That's what I wanna do!
I wanna drive a car that goes "vram vram vram!"
- Butters, what does driving a car
have to do with your penis being small?
[Engine revving]
- Hey, everyone who's pissed off and angry
is rallying to take down America!
Join the fight!
- We're gonna take down the Federal Expresses,
the American Apparels,
and the American Furniture Warehouse!
- We are fed up, and we've had enough!
- Surgeon General,
12 more FedEx's have been taken over.
The Pissed Off and Angry Party is gaining more support.
- They've shut down American Airlines
and American Apparels all over the country.
We have to ask you to step down.
- Are you seriously saying
we're going to give in to their demands?
- They are all really angry.
We have to make them stop.
Is the team standing by to fuck that little boy Kyle?
- Team is standing by, Sir.
- Excuse me! Excuse me! Let me through!
- Who is this?
- Surgeon General, I believe I know why this is happening.
I have found a direct correlation
between anger and T.M.I.
Anger equals length times width
over mass squared minus angle of the shaft
plus yaw.
Look, we all get angry,
but when someone is consistently angry,
or always finding new reasons to be angry,
it means they have a very, very, very, very small dick.
- Your theory is fine, Doctor,
but it doesn't matter.
The T.M.I. Equation is true solid science,
which cannot be changed.
There's nothing we can do about it.
- Isn't there?
Isn't... there?
- We've waited long enough, Randy!
Let's start killing these sons a bitches!
- No, please!
- Yeah, dude, they aren't gonna give us what we want.
- Yo, let's cap these bitches, mah.
Let's cap and leave 'em in the back of the buildin', mah.
- Hey, come over here. Look.
- We interrupt this newscast for an important message
from the Surgeon General.
- Fellow Americans,
as you all know, the T.M.I. Scale
was implemented long ago
to assure that each and every American
could accurately measure their junk.
The established equation is 100 percent accurate.
- Argh! - Shh!
- However, due to recently collected data,
we are making one change.
The national average for penis length
is now officially moved
from 6 inches to 1.5 inches.
Anyone with a T.M.I. Of over 1.5 inches
is considered above average.
- ♪ The winds of change are blowin' ♪
♪ There's excitement in the air ♪
♪ Can you feel it? ♪
♪ It's electric and magical ♪
♪ The happy train's on track ♪
♪ Because America is back ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Woo-hoo! Come on! ♪
- Wait, what?
[All cheering]
- ♪ America is back ♪
♪ America is back ♪
- Wait! According to that scale,
I still have a small wiener!
- ♪ America is back ♪
- I'm still fucking angry!
- ♪ Back and we're back and we're back ♪
♪ We're so back, we're so back ♪
♪ Back back back back back ♪