♪ ♪
- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- ♪ Ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪
- ♪ Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- ♪ [muffled] ♪
- ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
[school bell rings]
[Piano playing]
- ♪ Welcome, oh, welcome ♪
♪ To our little play ♪
♪ It's our hope that you all ♪
♪ Learn something today ♪
- ♪ I am a tooth ♪
♪ So white and so strong ♪
- ♪ I am a toothbrush ♪
♪ My bristles are long ♪
all: ♪ Together we work ♪
♪ To keep the bad guy away ♪
- ♪ He's mean and he hurts ♪
♪ And his name's Tooth Decay! ♪
[sinister chord]
- His name is Tooth Decay.
- Where is Tooth Decay?
Tooth Decay, that's your cue!
- He's not here.
- What do you mean, he's not here?
- He's at home watching the royal wedding.
- The what?
- He said he had to watch it.
- Is this some kind of joke?
We are two weeks into tech rehearsals!
Who the heck would sit at home
watching the royal wedding?
- It is a glorious spring morning,
and literally thousands have gathered
for the royal wedding.
People are still filing inside the abbey
to watch the prince and princess of Canada
exchange their vows.
What a great day for Canadians everywhere.
[Band playing drums]
The Winnipeg Drummers playing the March of a Thousand Farts,
as is traditional for the Canadian Royal Family.
[All fart]
All the biggest Canadian celebrities are on hand.
There are Sirs Terrance and Phillip,
with their wives, the lovely Queef sisters.
- [Queefs]
- I believe... yes, I believe one of the sisters
just queefed just now.
There are Canadian recording artists
Sir Brian Adams and Sir Corey Hart.
Everyone looking smashing today.
And there he is, the prince of Canada.
What a wonderful day it is for him.
What a wonderful day it is for all of us.
Inside the abbey now, everyone waiting
with anticipation.
There's the queen of Canada, in attendance, of course.
- [Queefs] - I believe she just queefed.
- The prince makes his way down the aisle,
led by the Bishop of Newfoundland.
People in attendance now gently tossing
Cap'n Crunch as the prince passes by,
as, of course, is tradition.
The prince takes his place
next to the large vat of butterscotch pudding.
Oh, and here she comes! Yes, there she is!
The aboot-to-be princess of Canada.
Isn't she ravishing?
So pure of heart,
so strong in body, so hot in the face.
She is indeed the living symbol of our great country.
My God, she's beautiful.
Princess! Princess!
- The Canadian prince is now dipping his arms
into the pudding, as is tradition.
The princess will, of course, scrape the pudding
off the Prince's arms, thus symbolizing their union.
What a glorious day for our country and, indeed, the world.
And now, of course, the... - wait a minute, what's this?
Oh-uh-oh! Something is going terribly wrong!
The abbey shaking violently as explosions abound.
The top... yes, the top of the abbey is collapsing.
The prince and the princess look on in horror.
This is not the tradition.
This is not tradition at all.
A giant hole now blasted into the ceiling,
debris falling down and crushing
several spectators, which is also not the tradition
for a royal Canadian wedding.
Bright beam of light
shooting through the hole in the ceiling.
The princess now in some kind of isometric cube.
This is certainly breaking with tradition now.
- No! No!
- Canadians in attendance cannot believe their eyes.
Widespread panic. [All screaming]
The princess being hoisted away.
The little mushroom people of Nova Scotia
screaming with horror.
The prince is attempting to grab hold of the cube.
The duke and duchess of Calgary
hiding behind the pews.
This is indeed a horrible day for all of Canada,
and therefore... - and the pudding has just been knocked over!
Oh, this does not go with tradition at all.
The royal pudding now spilling all over the abbey
as the princess is lifted up... up...
And she's gone.
The princess has been taken.
This is indeed a horrible day for Canada
and, therefore, the rest of the world.
- [Crying]
[School bell rings]
- ♪ I am a tooth ♪
♪ So white and so strong ♪
- ♪ I am a toothbrush ♪
♪ My bristles are long ♪
all: ♪ Together we work ♪
♪ To keep the bad guy away ♪
♪ He's mean and he hurts ♪
♪ And his name's Tooth Decay ♪
[sinister chord]
- His name's Tooth Decay!
- [Crying]
- Oh, no! It's Tooth Decay!
- He's gonna get us!
- [Crying]
- No, No, Tooth Decay.
Your character is supposed to be
mean and nasty, mkay, not crying.
- [Sobbing]
- No, no. See, Tooth Decay
can't be sad until Toothbrush and Dental Floss
have gotten rid of him.
You can't just start already sad.
There's nowhere to go, you see.
There's no arc, mkay?
- [Sobbing]
- Oh, for cryin' out loud!
All right, all right, Tooth Decay!
You just go home and sort yourself out!
The rest of us will rehearse the finale again.
And you better come back tomorrow
with a different attitude, Tooth Decay, mkay?
- [Sobbing]
- The tornado was said to be the deadliest in 56 years.
In other news, it's been 24 hours now,
and the princess of Canada is still missing.
All of Canada is in mourning
as nationwide suicides abound.
- The princess is gone!
Aah!
- Aaggghh!
[All screaming]
- The princess is gone!
- Aah! Aah!
[All sobbing]
- A massive candlelight vigil was held last night,
led by the Canadian band Rush.
- ♪ And it seems to me ♪
♪ You lived your life ♪
♪ Like a flower breaking wind ♪
[farts]
♪ Never knowing who to turn towards- ♪
[sobbing]
- The Prince of Canada has said that-
We have just received breaking news
that the Canadian government now knows
who took the princess.
The Canadian prime minister is instructing
all people of Canadian decent
to go home and "open their box of faith."
Box of faith? What the fuck is that?
[Objects clattering]
[Film projector whirring]
- Hello, there, my noble, strong fellow Canadian.
If you are watching this filmstrip,
then no doubt, Canada is in grave danger.
As you know, the very heart of Canada
is the royal family.
If you have been ordered to open your box of faith,
then one or more of the royal family must be in peril,
or else you just opened your box of faith
and are watching this without being told to,
in which case, you are a dick.
If you have indeed been instructed to open the box,
then this is a call to arms.
All Canadians in fighting condition
are asked to meet by the tree in Edmonton.
In your box of faith,
you will find all the items you need:
A location beacon, a first aid kit,
and a sandwich.
You may eat the sandwich now.
Good luck, Canadian citizen, and God help.
All of Canada is relying on you.
[Dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Where are you going?
Ike, where are you going?
- I got to get to Canada
and... - and join the armies
and save the princess.
[Bell rings]
- Whereas salagadoola mechika boola equals X
and bibbidy bobbidy boo is Y,
put 'em together, and what have you got?
Bibbidy bobbidy boo, X plus Y equals Y.
X equals zero. The song is badly written.
Second verse, X plus Y
equals bibbidy bobbidy cubed plus the boo.
- Kyle Broflovski!
Do you mind telling me where your brother is?
- I don't know.
- How am I supposed to do a play, mkay,
teaching students about the importance
of dental hygiene without Tooth Decay?
We have two more days of tech,
and then previews start on Monday.
What am I supposed to do, Kyle?
You tell me!
- Well, couldn't you, you know,
just get rid of the part of Tooth Decay?
- Getting rid of Tooth Decay
is what I'm trying to fuckin' do!
- [Chuckles]
- He's your brother, Kyle Broflovski, mkay!
How are you going to fix this?
- Hey. Hey, there!
You going to Canada too?
What am I saying?
Of course you're going to Canada.
You're Canadian, sure enough.
Opened your box of faith, did you? Me too.
They can't take our princess and get away with it!
Mind if I sit down?
Soon as I heard the call, there was no question
I was gonna sign up.
Didn't care how far away I was;
I was gonna get to that rally point at the tree in Edmonton.
Didn't know other Canadians living here in the U.S.
I'm from Toronto originally, but everywhere I went,
people were terrified by my disfigurement.
I have to wear this bag on my head
because I'm hideously ugly.
Had to move here to the United States.
Here, people don't think I look ugly.
They just think I look Canadian.
The name's Ugly Bob.
- ♪ I am a tooth ♪
♪ So white and so strong ♪
- ♪ I am a toothbrush ♪
♪ My bristles are long ♪
all: ♪ Together we work ♪
♪ To keep the bad guy away ♪
♪ He's mean and he hurts ♪
♪ And his name's Tooth Decay ♪
[sinister chord]
- ♪ I am Tooth Decay ♪
♪ Your teeth shall be mine ♪
♪ With candy and treats- ♪
- Hold it! Hold it! Stop!
What the fuck was that?
- I'm just doing the lines.
- The audience is supposed to feel scared
of Tooth Decay, Kyle, mkay?
If Tooth Decay has no believability,
then Toothbrush and Dental Floss
have nothing to play against!
- I'm trying, Mr. Mackey; I really am.
- Oh, you're tryin'?
You call rolling your fat ass out on the stage
and lazily blurting out your lines
like a turtle taking a shit...
you call that trying?
This play is supposed to change how people think, Kyle!
Get it fuckin' right!
[Feedback on microphone]
Just pick it up from there.
- Brave Canadians!
You have answered the call,
and now we must face our greatest foe.
The princess has been kidnapped,
and we believe this to be the work of... the giant!
- Ooh, the giant! The giant, that's not good.
- We are attempting to attract the giant now
with a bowl of Kraft Dinner.
When the giant arrives,
we will attack him with our guns,
our swords, our-
[thudding footfalls]
- Fee fi fo fum!
I smell Kraft Dinner.
- It's the giant! - Scott!
[All shouting]
- Give us back the princess, Scott!
- You fart-loving tricksters!
I'll take care of all of you!
- You're a dick, Scott!
You have always been a dick.
And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottawa,
and now you're a giant dick.
- No! You all kept calling me a dick,
and so then that turned me into a dick!
And then I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa,
and now I'm a giant dick.
- Just hand over the princess of Canada!
- Why would I take the princess of Canada?
- Because you're a giant dick?
- I'm also the biggest Canadian patriot of all of you.
You know that I would never harm the royal family!
- Aw, crap.
Sorry, everyone, looks like we had some bad intel.
Return to your homes.
- All right, let's go.
- I guess we did all we could. Come on.
- Well, at least we tried.
I guess the princess is gone for good, eh?
- What is wrong with you people?
It is perfectly obvious who took the princess.
I might be a giant,
but there's one threat to Canada bigger than me!
- Who? - The Native Canadians!
- The Native Canadians?
- There, you see that?
Goddamn Native Canadians.
Think they run the world.
[Both speaking native language]
- Fart-loving Eskimos.
I'm sure they've taken the princess.
Just look at them.
Loudmouth, self-centered assholes.
[Both speaking native language]
- Let's get 'em! Let's fuck 'em up!
What?
You're looking at me
like I'm some kind of Eskimo racist.
Well, I'm not! Think aboot it!
Before the noble white man arrived,
Canada was populated with these snow monkeys.
Who else would be pissed of enough at Canada
to kidnap our royalty?
Oh, shit!
- Okay, in 15 fuckin' minutes,
you all are not gonna care about this anymore,
so I'll just say what I need to say.
That was the worst rehearsal we have ever had.
We are two days away from opening,
and you're all fuckin' around!
- That's because Tooth Decay sucks.
- Yeah! - It's all Tooth Decay's fault.
- Oh, don't put this all on Tooth Decay!
Let me tell you something, Dental Floss.
You're not as good as you fuckin' think you are!
You're already acting like you're a star,
and we haven't even opened yet!
Open your fuckin' eyes, Dental Floss.
You're about to blow your shot!
[All speaking native language]
- [Speaking native language]
All: Ohh!
- He says that the taking of the princess was foretold.
- [Speaking native language]
- He says Eskimos do hate us Canadians,
but that there is an even bigger threat to Canada
who has the princess.
- [Speaking native language]
- He said the evil that took her
wasn't Canadian at all but a beast
who preys upon people of all nationalities!
They can lead us to the beast,
but we will have to destroy it!
[School bell rings]
- I don't know what the goddamn problem is.
Maybe you all don't know how serious tooth decay is.
Maybe you all just don't give a fuck.
You all probably think you can live your lives cavity free,
mkay, never giving two shits
about the plaque that's building on your teeth.
Kyle, you have single-handedly destroyed
all that which I worked on
for the past six years.
And so I want you to know, Kyle,
once and for all,
why this whole dental hygiene thing
is so important to me.
Two years ago... [sniffles]
I lost my father to tooth decay.
Mkay?
He was an intelligent, hardworking man,
and my whole family watched as tooth decay
took him in the blink of an eye!
You've been told to brush and to floss,
but do you really know the importance behind it?
Do you?
- [Speaking native language]
- This is stupid!
I'm telling you, you're making a mistake, kid!
- Aw, leave the kid alone, Scott.
- Well, what are we doing following this ice beaner?
We've been walking around for hours!
- [Speaking native language]
- Don't worry.
If there's one thing Eskimos are good at,
it's finding things.
- Eskimos are good for nothing.
I paid one to give me a blow job once.
All she did was rub her nose against my penis
for 45 seconds, then asked me to pay her.
Goddamn polar gooks.
- Stop being a dick, Scott!
- Oh, so now I'm a dick?
- Wait a minute! Look!
- Aah!
- It's the princess!
- Princess!
All: ♪ Your teeth are your friends ♪
♪ They are friends in your mouth ♪
♪ Take care of your friends ♪
♪ Or they'll rot and fall out ♪
- ♪ Visit your dentist ♪
♪ He is your friend too ♪
- ♪ And Dental Floss also ♪
♪ Is here to help you ♪
- ♪ Oh, no, Dental Floss! ♪
♪ What will I do? ♪
- Flat! You're flat!
- There!
- Please, save me!
You have to hurry. It wants to kill me!
- Who took you, Princess?
- I should have listened.
I didn't believe it was real.
Oh, God! It's behind you!
- [Roaring]
- Of course! The evil Atok-Atuk!
The dark lord that takes from all nationalities.
It's... Tooth Decay!
- I am Tooth Decay!
Your teeth shall be mine!
- I should have always brushed and flossed
and avoided sweets!
- Fart-loving Tooth Decay! I'll fix you!
Aah! Unh!
- [Roars]
- [Speaking native language]
Unh! Aah!
- Save me! Save me!
- [Growls]
- It's coming for me! Help! Help!
- Princess, look away!
- [Screeching]
[Crackling]
- What the-
You did it, kid!
- [Speaking native language]
- Oh, thank you! Thank you!
- I want you all to take
a serious fuckin' look at yourselves!
Mkay?
Act one was pure fuckin' dog shit!
If Tooth Decay is singing flat,
then the whole fuckin' thing sounds flat!
Mkay?
- Mr. Mackey! Mr. Mackey!
We are putting a stop to this play.
It's over.
- What? Why?
Don't worry. Act two will be better.
These kids just aren't listening to me.
- No, it's over.
They got him, Mr. Mackey.
Tooth Decay. They got the son of a bitch.
- What?
- Up in the Yukon.
All bureaus are confirming it.
- You can let it go, Mackey.
Tooth Decay is gone.
- [Sobbing] Oh!
Oh, God!
Go on home, kids, mkay.
It's over.
- What?
[Pomp and Circumstance playing]
♪ ♪
[horns honking]
♪ ♪
- The princess now giving the Canadian Medal of Courage
to Ugly Bob.
And also to Scott, who is, of course, a giant dick.
And Katook-Took of the Yukon.
And the medal, of course, made of white chocolate,
as is tradition.
What a glorious day for Canada and, therefore, the world.
- The duke of Calgary, standing up
and putting on a fake beard.
A tradition passed down since the birth of Canada.
The princess now knighting Sir lke Broflovski,
giving him three kisses and a pair of socks,
as is tradition.
- I mean, come on, guys. That's pretty cool, right?
My little brother is a knight in Canada.
- My sister is a den leader in Girl Scouts.
- My uncle's the second in line
to be manager at Gart Brothers.
- Hmm, yeah.
- And now the scraping off of the pudding.
Isn't she beautiful, scraping off the pudding
with the grace of a butterfly.
She rubs the pudding on her face.
The prince now attempting to remove
one of the princess' arms.
As is, of course, the tradition.
The princess screaming with pain.
Everyone watching with anticipation.
And the arm is off!
Things are back to normal here in Canada.
The time honored traditions are once again-
yes, the prince is sticking the princess' arm up his ass.
There it goes. [Cheers and applause]
He's really making a good go of it.
What a wonderful day for Canada
and, therefore, of course, the world.
♪ ♪