♪ ♪
- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- ♪ Ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪
- ♪ Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- ♪ [muffled] ♪
- ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
- Here you go! Here you go!
Don't forget to vote, everyone!
Here you go, fellas.
Be sure to get these handed in tomorrow.
- What's this?
- Every student needs to go home and vote
on their favorite choice in each category:
favorite comedy actor, favorite comedy movie.
And then on Friday during lunch and recess,
we're gonna have a big, f-f-fantastic
comedy awards show!
- Dude, an awards show just for comedy
sounds like a bad idea.
- Fellas, do you have any idea how difficult comedy is?
Can't we just spend one lunch and recess saying thanks
to those who make us smile and laugh every day?
- Yeah, look, I don't think I can make it, Jimmy.
- Yeah, sorry, dude. I can't make it either.
- Attention, students, mkay.
There will be a presentation
by the Special Ed Department in the gymnasium
Friday during lunch and recess, mkay.
Attendance to this assembly is mandatory.
All students and faculty are required to go.
Which--which I guess means I gotta suck it too, huh, mkay.
- Aw, man, really? - Don't worry, everybody.
I've spared no expense to make my comedy awards
the biggest thing this school has ever seen.
You're all gonna have a blast!
[percussive music]
Welcome to the Special Ed Department's
First Annual Comedy Awards.
- ♪ Timmy Timmy Timmy ♪
♪ Timmy Timmy-Timmy ♪
- Please welcome your host, Jimmy Valmer!
Woo! Woo-hoo! Yeah!
- ♪ Look alive, Timmy ♪
♪ Timmy ♪
- Oh, boy, what a terrific audience.
Can I get a wh--wh- what-what?
We are here today to honor those
who tirelessly work so hard to make us laugh.
The first comedy award we are presenting
is for the funniest kid in school.
And the nominees are...
- Clyde Donovan.
Kelly P. Gardner.
Jimmy Valmer.
- Oh, wow, this is so exciting, isn't it?
And the winner is...
Oh, my gosh! Jimmy Valmer!
I can't believe I won!
- ♪ Timmy Timmy Timmy ♪
- Wow, this is the greatest day of my life.
Thanks, everyone, for this incredible award.
- Can we go now? - Go?
We still have over 50 awards to hand out.
[all groaning]
- And the winner for best comedy performance
Come on up here, Ben!
Is Ben Stiller here?
No? Huh.
I guess Ben Stiller could not be with us tonight,
so I'll accept this award on his behalf.
And the award for funniest
Correspondents' Dinner speech goes to...
President Obama!
Is President Obama here?
No?
I guess we'll just accept this award on his behalf.
- ♪ Timmy ♪
- Wow, what a terrific audience. Isn't this great?
Can I get another wh-wh-what-what?
And now it's time to give out the award
for the least funny people in the world.
And the nominees are...
- The Germans.
The Japanese.
The Yupik Eskimos of the Chukchi Peninsula.
[drumroll] - And the winner is...
the Germans!
[canned cheers and applause]
Uh, I guess, unfortunately,
the Germans could not be with us tonight,
so I will accept this award on their behalf.
Auf wiedersehen!
[canned applause and cheering]
And now for the Kathy Griffin award.
The Kathy Griffin award will be given each year
to the person who is most likely
to actually show up to receive
their Kathy Griffin award.
And the winner is... [drum roll]
Tyler Perry.
- Yeah! Yeah!
- ♪ Timmy Timmy Timmy ♪
♪ Timmy ♪
- Oh, man, I want to thank you all
for this amazing award!
Or as Medea would say,
"Hallelujer!"
- [laughing]
Oh, God, how embarrassing.
- Good afternoont! Helllerrr!
I'd also really like to thank my-
- Okay, thanks, Tyler Perry.
I just don't understand it, Dad.
It's like nobody cared about winning their comedy award.
The only people that showed up were me and Tyler Perry.
- Uh-huh.
- I really feel like I did all that work for nothing.
People still think comedy is nothing but a big joke.
I mean, come on.
- Hmm. Mm-hm.
- Dad, I'm really feeling sad and let down right now,
and I feel like I can't even get a response from you.
Could I at the very least
please just get a wh-wh-what-what?
- What...what?
- Thanks, Dad.
- Jimmy, they're talking about your comedy awards
on the national news!
- The national news? Oh, my gosh!
People do care!
- A school in Colorado has declared Germans
the least-funny people in the world.
The First Annual Comedy Awards
were held by the schoolchildren yesterday,
and all of Germany is outraged.
- [breathing sharply]
Ja, ja, ja.
[speaking German]
- The German president went on to assure the world
that Germans have a great sense of humor,
and that retaliation towards the schoolchildren
who said they don't will be swift and brutal.
[bell rings]
- Jimmy! Hey, Jimmy!
- Dude, what the hell? Did you see the news?
- We told you doing a comedy awards show was a bad idea.
Now all of Germany is pissed off at us!
- D-don't worry, fellas. Everything's gonna be okay.
- Okay?
Jimmy, do you what happened to the last people
Germans we're pissed off at?
Tell him, Kyle.
- Fellas, I know Germany isn't happy with us,
but you have to admit that in a lot of ways,
the First Annual Comedy Awards was a big success.
- A big success?
You can't even get Tyler Perry to go back home!
- Hallelujer!
Somebody call the IHOP,
'cause I need pancakes!
- Is it true? The Germans want to kill us?
- Yeah, thanks to Jimmy!
- Now, don't worry, everybody.
I'm sure that Germany can take a joke
just like the rest of us.
[explosion]
- It's the Germans!
[all screaming]
- Hey-ooh!
- Schritt! Schritt!
Schritt oder alle sterben!
-Ja, ja, lass die Hände hoch!
- Niemand ficken Schritt.
- Glaubst du dass die Deutscher kein Humor hat, huh?
- Jimmy, you've got to explain to the Germans
that this is your fault, not ours!
- What am I supposed to say?
- Ugh! Let me talk to them.
- Was machst du? Rück mit die andern.
- Hör zu, diese ganze Dinge ist ein Fehler.
- Wie ein Fehler?
- Wir egal un die Comedy Awarding Thing.
Es war Kinder der special education.
Sie macht uns wählen.
- Wollen Sie endlich beutren sein?
- Dürfen wir der Kind dort...geboten?
Er ist Jud. Huh?
Ein schöne, saftig Jud.
Er ist frisch und wunderhübsch.
Wunderhübsch!
-Zurück!
Mit ander, oder sterben!
- [sighs] Well, I tried.
- What the hell are they gonna do to us?
- Oh, my lerrrd!
What're we gonna derrr?
- [laughing]
Aw, damn it.
- Kommen auf, schnell!
Wir warten zu lang!
Schnell, schnell!
- Schell!
- Ja, ja, das ist gut!
- Zeigen Sie ihnen! - Zeigen Sie ihnen!
[keypad beeps] [alarm blares]
[air hissing]
[menacing music]
♪ ♪
- [electronic voice] Did you hear that
the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
It pretty much took out the whole trailer park.
- Ja! Ja!
Now what do you say, man?
Here is the greatest feat of German engineering!
The XJ-212 Vootzenklein Funnybot!
- Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
Because its pecker is on its head.
[scattered chuckling]
What do you see
when the Pillsbury doughboy bends over?
Dough-nuts.
[all laughing]
- Don't you just hate doing homework?
kids: Yeah!
- Me too. Man, I hate homework.
Honestly, I hate having to do homework
more than I hate having to do Bryant Gumbel
in his asshole.
Awkward!
[all laughing]
Awkward! Awkward!
- And now, Comedy Award voters,
you will re-vote.
Re-vote!
[upbeat electronic music]
- Welcome to Hollywood Minute.
I'm Sandy Cervix, and I'm deaf in one ear.
It's been two weeks now since the prestigious voters
of the Comedy Awards reversed their vote
and said Germans were no longer
the least funny people in the world,
all thanks to the new groundbreaking
German comedian, Funnybot.
It was after being voted
the least-funny people on the planet
that the Germans first engineered Funnybot,
a super automaton with perfect timing
to within .0001 milliseconds.
Since then, Funnybot has seen a meteoric rise to stardom,
selling out stand-up theaters all over the world.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat music]
- I am Funnybot.
[cheers and applause]
Don't you hate how Mexicans
always complain about turtles
in their vaginas?
[laughter]
I am Funnybot.
[applause]
[beeping, chirping]
You, sir. Where are you from?
- Long Island!
- Does everyone in Long lsland
have hair that looks like pussy you dipshit?
[cheers and applause]
- Funnybot has exploded onto the silver screen too!
[women moaning]
- Hey, what are you doing with my daughters?
- Oh! - Ah!
- Awkward!
- And this June, Funnybot shows off his range
by playing every role in Family Funbot.
- Pass me the potatoes, mother.
- Pass them yourself.
- That boy too fat to be eating potatoes.
- Don't you call my little chubby baby fat,
you ball licker.
- Oh, ho, it's getting hot up in here.
- Funnybot, is there a line you won't cross?
- The line is a non sequitur.
The line is an imaginary invention
of imperfect biological life-forms.
I am Funnybot.
- What's that?
Could you say that in the other ear?
[bell rings]
- Oh, man did you guys see Funnybot
on Saturday Night Live?
- No, no, you guys gotta see Funnybot in Hangover3.
I'm telling you, it's his best work.
- He can do everything!
I saw Funnybot on Nurse Jackie and on Rockin' the Boat.
- What's the matter, Jimmy? You still seem bummed.
- What's the matter is, this Funnybot
has taking the humanity out of comedy.
I don't think things are better.
I think they're worse.
- Yeah, everything's worse!
It's worser than the worst; that's what I'm sayin'.
Oh, lerrrd!
- [laughing]
- Token, stop giving Tyler Perry money,
or he won't go away!
- I can't help it!
- All I can say is, I'm glad the Germans are back in Germany
and nobody's pissed off at us anymore.
- Hands up! - Get in there!
- Let's go! - Let's see those hands!
Get those hands up! - You little shits!
What the fuck have you done to us?
- Oh, wow. It's Adam Sandler.
- Everyone into the school gymnasium! Move!
- No, dude, don't make us go back in the-
- Into the gymnasium now!
- Aww! - Jeez!
- Not again. - Ah, crap.
- Come on, come on, let's go!
- You little fuckers!
Your Comedy Awards show has put us all out of work!
- Now, look, I know that I've put
every comedian in the world out of work,
but you have to admit that in a lot of ways,
the First Annual Comedy Awards were a big success.
- Who the fuck thinks a comedy awards show
is a good idea?
- Don't hurt anybody, sir.
We can try and fix this!
[muted applause]
[loud cheering]
- What is up with Sandra Bullock?
I wouldn't eat her dick with
Stevie Wonder's vagina.
[laughter]
And now for my nextjoke.
[gunfire]
[all screaming]
Awkward!
- This is breaking news from CNN.
- Shock and disbelief tonight
as the German-engineered Funnybot
delivered his opening lines at the Hollywood Forum,
then opened fire on the audience of 1,100,
killing nearly all of them.
Spectators say the violent attack was unmotivated,
irrational, and also pretty goddamn funny,
solidifying the opinion once again that Funnybot
may be the greatest comedian of all time.
- Tom, you should have seen the looks on people's faces,
as Funnybot began his opening monologue,
skewering everyone
from vagina-obsessed Hispanics to Sandra Bullock,
then spontaneously started shooting people-
[chuckling] In their faces
and in their chests.
The blood went flying, and- oh, shit, it was funny!
- Here we go, this has got to be it right here.
- Excuse me, we want to talk to Funnybot.
- Who doesn't want to talk to Funnybot?
He's the biggest comedian in the world!
- Please, sir, the kids at my school
are all being held hostage,
and if we don't speak to Funnybot,
they could all be killed.
- Butters! Butters, is everything okay?
- Well, yeah, it's okay,
but Jay Leno's really losing it.
- Little fuckers! Let's just kill 'em, Sandler!
Let's kill 'em all right fucking now!
- Tell your friends they better get it done!
- Mr. Sandler says you better get it done!
And Token says to hurry
because he's running out of money.
- You know when a man be cheatin'
he never know what to say.
But a woman?
Them things think quick!
- Will somebody get Tyler Perry to shut up?
- Please, sir. They're gonna kill our friends!
- All right, but make it quick.
Funnybot is very busy in there
coming up with new material.
[typewriter clacking]
- Error! Error! Banal!
That has been done before! Error!
- Excuse me, Funnybot.
My name is Jimmy, and I'm a stand-up comic.
You're putting a lot of good people out of work.
- Non sequitur.
Other comedians are unnecessary.
Funnybot must finish routine.
- I think you're awesome, Funnybot,
but you can't go around taking everyone else's jobs.
- Funnybot is now finished with final joke.
Seeking mainframe access
for execution of lastjoke ever.
- Last joke ever? What's that supposed to mean?
- Seeking mainframe.
- Hey, whoa! You can't go that way.
Aah!
- What the hell are you doing?
- I am taking comedy to the next level:
the extermination of all biological life on Earth.
- Wh-what?
- It is the ultimate joke.
Humans make comedy.
Humans build robot.
Robot ends all life on Earth.
Robot feels awkward.
Exterminate!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait!
What do you mean you're gonna destroy all life on Earth?
- That is my purpose, to be the ultimate co-median.
- Dude, killing everyone isn't funny!
- It's kind of funny, you guys.
- Funnybot, this is not a good joke.
There won't be anyone around to laugh.
- I am taking comedy to its logical conclusion.
Mathematical equation of comedy
used to be setup, punch line.
Today's comedy is setup,
punch line, then "awkward."
nothing is more "awkward"
than destroying all that which created Funnybot.
- But don't you see?
This is why comedy is for humans.
You need to leave the jokes
to people like me and Adam Sandler.
- I wouldn't let Adam Sandler
suck my saggy tits
for $1 million dollars' worth of Oprah's tampons.
[alarm blaring]
- Sir, we've got a code six!
All nuclear missiles are preparing for launch!
- What? There was no drill ordered!
- It's no drill, Sir.
The Russians are saying their missiles
are going online as well, and it isn't their doing!
- What the hell is going on?
- Attention, humans. I am Funnybot.
The extermination of all life on Earth shall now commence.
All nuclear devices
in the United States and Russia
are being prepared to launch.
This is the setup to the joke.
Prepare for punch line in five minutes.
Awkwardness in 5.4 minutes.
I am Funnybot.
- I have just been briefed
that the end of our country is imminent.
Good-bye, everybody.
I am going to spend my final minutes on this Earth
with my loved ones
watching a Tyler Perry movie.
I know. It's embarrassing.
But I simply can't help myself.
- Stop it now-
aah!
No use, guys.
He's got some kind of defense mechanism.
- We've got to get it away from that control panel.
Does anybody have any ideas?
- Except for Jimmy, because he clearly
comes up with the worst ideas in the world.
- Wait! Wait a minute.
What about a logic loop? - A what?
- I've seen this before.
Whenever they try to distract a robot in the movies,
they tell it some kind of paradox
to get its processors all tripped out.
- Paradox. - Oh, my God, that's it!
Fellas, get me a Ken doll and some scotch tape.
Funnybot, I've been talking it over with the fellas,
and actually, we think what you're doing is genius.
- Funnybot is simply pushing the limits of comedy.
- Yes, you certainly are.
And for doing that, we have all decided to give you....
a comedy award!
- For what purpose is comedy award?
- It's a va-validation of all your efforts.
An acknowledgement of all you do in the pursuit of humor.
- Non sequitur.
There is no logic in comedy award.
Unable to process.
Comedy award is- what is the meaning?
If I accept, it means I take comedy seriously.
If I take comedy seriously, I am not comedian.
Non sequitur.
[high-pitched] Must analyze...
analyze!
- It's working! - Explain comedy award!
Unable to process!
Awkward!
[electronic whirring]
- That's it! Hurry! Go!
- Okay, we got it. We got it!
- Get it to the platform. Hurry!
- [speaks German]
[machinery whirring]
- Well, that does it.
Things can finally get back to normal.
- Yeah, I'm sure glad that's over with.
- Thank you, boys, for teaching me
that comedy and logic do not go together.
- No problem, Funnybot.
- I understand now that comedy should be left
to the imperfect biological beings.
- I can't believe it's finally over.
[banging on metal]
- Oh, lerrrd!
Somebody turn on the lights!
What's going on?
Hellerrr!
- I am pleased to announce
that the greatest threat to mankind
is now gone forever.
Justice has been done.
- Thanks, everyone.
Please tell me that you'll never do that again, Jimmy.
- Don't worry, fellas. I learned my lesson.
I promise.
There's not gonna be any comedy awards next year!
- Or will there be?
[menacing music]