♪ ♪
- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
- ♪ Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- ♪ [muffled] ♪
- ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
- Oh, my God!
Isn't it awesome having an iPad, you guys?
Hey, Bebe, where's your iPad?
Oh, right. You're not cool enough.
[laughs]
Hey, hey, you see my iPad, Token?
Funny, you don't seem to have one.
I thought your family was rich!
[laughs]
You dumbasses have to play four square
'cause you don't have iPads!
Oh, what should I do on my iPad next?
Think I'll email some of my friends.
Oh, no, wait.
Maybe I'll download some more cool apps!
This is so awesome!
- Tom Saltzman says you don't really have an iPad.
- What?
- Tom Saltzman says you just glued a piece of glass
to an iPad cover and you're faking it.
- Tom Saltzman's dad is an alcoholic
who drinks and drives!
- Let me see your iPad, Cartman.
- Seriously, you guys,
Tom Saltzman's dad is a drunk driver!
He's the one who ran over Joey Potts' dog
because Joey Potts doesn't know how to take care of his animals,
which is why he gets beat by his mom.
- Just let us see your iPad, Cartman.
- No, because the batterys dead.
Itjust ran out of power.
- So plug it in. - I left my charger at home!
Fine!
I'm gonna go home and charge my iPad and bring it tomorrow,
and you guys are gonna feel really stupid!
Well, good going, Mom.
You've completely screwed me over!
- What happened, Eric?
- You said I had to wait till my birthday to get an iPad,
so the one I rubbed in everyone's faces today
isn't real, and tomorrow everyone's gonna call me a liar.
Would you mind loaning me some of your lipstick, Mom?
Because I want to at least look pretty
the next time you decide to fuck me!
- You see?
And then I can take all my homework on my iPad
and swipe it over to my iPhone.
- Uh, yeah, Apple stuff is pretty neat, all right.
I just don't want any big company
tracking where I am at all times.
- Aw, that's just a rumor. They don't really track you.
- Here he is!
Hello, Kyle. We're from Apple.
We're all ready for you now.
- What? Ready for what?
- To fulfill the agreement.
Can we get a weight, please?
- 83 pounds, sir. - What agreement?
- 83 pounds, good. Let's get the blood work.
- Hey, you can't do that!
- You agreed we could take all the blood we needed.
- What are you talking about?
- When you downloaded the last iTunes update,
a window on your screen popped up
and asked you if you agreed to our terms and conditions.
You clicked "Agree."
All right, let's get him to the water tank.
- The water tank? I'm not going with you!
- You've agreed to all of this!
Hey!
[funky music playing]
- You guys! You got to help me!
These business casual G-men are trying to kidnap me!
- What? - It's crazy, dude!
They're saying it's because I agreed
to the latest terms and conditions on iTunes!
- Why?
What did the terms and conditions
for the last update say?
- I don't know. I didn't read them.
- You didn't read them?
- Who the hell reads that entire thing
every time it pops up?
- I do. - Me too.
- You're telling me that every time
you guys download an update for iTunes,
you read the entire terms and conditions?
- Of course.
- Well, how do you know if you agree to something
if you don't read it?
- Well, I turned off all my Apple stuff.
They can't locate you
if you don't have your stuff on, right?
[tires screeching] - There he is! Hey, you!
- [screams]
[keyboard keys clacking]
Dad!
Dad, I need a lawyer!
- Kyle, what are you doing here?
- Dad, if you agree to something
but you didn't mean to agree to it, what do you do?
- Well, Kyle, it's always
the agreeing party's responsibility
to know what they are signing.
- But it's, like, eight pages long,
and they send me a new one, like, every three weeks!
How can they know if I- - Calm down, Kyle.
It's okay. You're safe with Daddy.
- Here he is.
- [screams] - Come on, you!
- Hey, what the heck is going on?
- Your son has made a binding
and legal agreement with Apple, sir.
- An agreement to do what?
- Apple's inner workings are top secret to all users.
You know how it is.
- No, I don't know how it is. I use a PC.
- [snickering] You what?
- Come on, let's go!
- Hey, now, let him go- Aah!
- Dad! You Tasered my dad!
- You said we could.
- Okay, Wi-Fi plus 3G, 64 gig.
This one, this one! - Oh, sweetie, $900?
- I can't wait to see the look on Kyle's stupid face
when he sees my iPad has more memory than his.
- Eric, we can't afford that one.
- Well, you don't expect me to get the Wi-Fi only
16-gig version, do you?
- I think we need to get you a different brand, hon.
They're a little cheaper.
- Mom, everyone knows
that everything but Apple is stupid.
- Here, look at this one.
Toshiba Handibook.
- Toshiba Handibook?
- This says it does everything the iPad does
at half the price.
- Mom, do not screw me over again!
If I take that thing to school,
everyone's gonna think I'm a poverty-stricken asshole!
- Eric, stop acting like a spoiled brat.
You can either have the Toshiba Handibook,
or you can have nothing at all.
- Oh, I've got a better idea.
Why don't you go across the street
and buy some condoms?
Because we should at least be safe
if you're gonna fuck me, Mom.
- Eric!
- You might as well go buy some cigarettes too,
because I like to have a smoke
after I get good and fucked.
You want to fuck me, Mom? Just say so!
Go ahead! Here!
Huh? Go ahead, Mom. Fuck me!
Fuck me right here in the Best Buy.
You want to fuck your son so bad?
Go on, Mom. Fuck me! Fuck me!
[sobbing]
- Stop crying, Eric.
I told you if you kept acting up,
you weren't getting anything.
- But I told you I was sorry.
- You made me look like some sort of child molester
in front of all those people!
- I wasn't trying to get you in trouble.
- Then why did you go outside to a police officer
and say, "Help, help!
My mom is trying to fuck me"?
- Oh, wait. I get it now.
The F word is a no-no word,
and I shouldn't say it around other people.
I'm sorry, Mama.
- If you're really sorry,
then you'll understand why you aren't getting anything.
- [sniffles] Well, no, that doesn't really
have any logical sense, Mommy,
because I'm already being punished
by not getting the iPad... Mama.
Please can we just go back and get the Toshiba Handibook?
- No!
- Well, then could we at least pull up here
and get some dinner?
'Cause I liked to be wined and dined
after I've been fucked!
[lock clicks]
- [grunts]
[door rattling]
[banging on door]
[fluorescent light crackling]
- What are you gonna do to us?
- What is this? What's going on?
- You-you agreed to the iTunes
terms and conditions too?
- What?
- I just clicked "Agree." I didn't read it.
I was in a hurry, you see,
and I-I didn't know what I was agreeing to!
- I can't even read English!
- Hey, shut up in there!
You all agreed to stay quiet.
- Hey! Hey, let me out of here!
This is a mistake! I agreed by accident!
- You can't agree by accident.
There's a failsafe built in.
Even if you click on "Agree,"
another little window pops up that says,
"Are you sure you agree?"
And you have to click on "Agree" again.
- What are you going to do to us?
- Everything that you agreed to
in the iTunes conditions.
- We didn't read them!
- Heh! Right.
Who just agrees to something they don't read?
- And now the president of Apple, Steve Jobs!
[cheers and applause]
- Hello, everyone!
I am here to announce a new product
that will once again revolutionize
the way we use our phones and tablet devices.
Let's hear it for our volunteers!
[cheers and applause]
These three people
have agreed to be brought here,
handcuffed to these beds,
and become the prototype
of our first truly interfaced device.
- The first what?
- They have actually agreed to be surgically altered.
Their lips will be removed,
and they will be sewn together, mouth to anus.
- What?
- You agreed to this.
Mouth to anus, so that the feces
from the gastral track from one
will enter the mouth of the little boy-
and he agreed this was okay-
enter the mouth of the little boy,
leading through his anus to the mouth of the female-
who completely agreed- they all agreed-
which will then go to a tablet device,
making a product that is part human
and part centipede
and part web browser
and part emailing device!
I give you... the HumancentiPad!
[cheers and applause]
- Oh!
I should have never updated iTunes!
- "You agree that Apple may charge your credit card
"or PayPal account for any products
purchased in the iTunes store."
- Can somebody please explain to me what is going on?
- We're trying to find out exactly what Kyle agreed to.
- There can't be anything in that agreement
that allows a company to do what they're talking about
to Kyle.
- Oh, nope. Here it is right here.
"By clicking 'Agree,' you are also acknowledging
"that Apple may sew your mouth
to the butthole of another iTunes user."
- Oh, boy.
- "Apple and its subsidiaries may also, if necessary,
"sew yet another person's mouth onto your butthole,
making you a being that shares one gastral track."
Hmm. I'm gonna click on... "Decline."
- Well, that does it! I'm going to the police.
- For what?
- To find out where Apple is keeping my son!
- Dude, when the police want to know where somebody is,
they ask Apple.
The only way we can fix all this
is by going to the highest authority on the planet.
You guys, we're gonna have to ask help from...
the geniuses.
- The geniuses!
- [muffled] The geniuses.
- All right. Good.
Looks good, guys. Great work.
[muffled sobbing]
- [screaming in Japanese]
- Really nice, guys.
I remember when the first version of the iPad came out.
People couldn't believe how easy it was
to take their videos, music, and photos,
and all their shit
and share it with other people
who could do the same with all their shit.
The only thing the iPad couldn't do
was walk or read...
until now.
- [muffled shouting]
- What's that? What's that you're saying?
- [muffled shouting]
- You want out? Are you saying you want out?
- [muffled shouting]
- Fine, you don't want to be part of this,
then just sign right here.
No! You didn't read it!
This says we don't ever have to let you out
and that we can do whatever we want!
Damn it! Why won't it read?
- It's probably low on power. We should feed it.
- All right, here you go. Come on.
- No!
I will not eat if they are forced to eat my poo!
- Perhaps I didn't mention...
it's a bean and cheese burrito from Paco's.
- Oh! Sorry, Kyle.
I try to resist,
but burrito is too delicious!
[smacking lips]
- We have to unveil this thing tomorrow.
It better be reading by then!
- Oh! Oh, no!
Feel sick!
- [muffled shouting]
- Oh! Oh!
[bowel movement]
- [muffled screaming]
[bowel movement]
- [muffled screaming]
- Today on Dr. Phil,
the tragic story of a little boy
whose mother constantly tries to fuck him.
- I want you all to meet Eric Cartman,
who's a very special boy with a very hard life.
Eric, you say that... your mom fucks you?
- Yes! She fucked me so hard!
- Does this happen often?
Does she- does she fuck you a lot?
- Dude, Filipino hookers don't get fucked the way I do.
all: Aw!
- Now, I know this is very difficult
for you to talk about,
but where was the last time your mother fucked you?
- At Best Buy.
all: Aw!
- Your mother fucked you at Best Buy?
- Uh-huh.
- And people saw her doing this?
- Yes!
- And they didn't do anything?
- No! - Eric, stop it!
- Oh, there she is! There's my mom right now!
all: Boo!
- Boo!
- Eric, you come home right now!
all: Boo!
- Ma'am, why do you think it's okay to fuck your son?
- I don't! - She does!
She does it all the time! She fucked me on Christmas.
She fucked me on my birthday.
[all gasping]
You know, Mom, the least you could do is kiss me first,
'cause I liked to be kissed before I get fucked!
- You fuck your son, and you won't even give him a kiss?
Boo!
- If I was gonna fuck my son,
I'd kiss him first!
[smooches]
- Well, Eric, we have a very special gift
we want to give to you.
- An iPad?
- Gerald Broflovski.
- Okay, the geniuses will see us now.
Now, remember, when you speak to the geniuses,
keep your questions short and to the point.
The geniuses do not like those who waste their time.
- Hi, my name is Leslie. I'll be your genius.
- Genius Leslie, we have a problem,
and we seek your wisdom.
- What problems are you experiencing?
- My son was kidnapped by Apple,
and they are holding him against his will!
- Okay, well, I'm sorry
you're having trouble with that today.
Could I have his Apple ID?
- 69ingchipmunks@me.com.
- Okay.
[keyboard keys clacking]
- Well, what the heck does this-
- Shh! - Oh, okay, I see, hmm.
Hmm, I might need to bring another genius in on this.
Frothgar? - Uh-huh.
- This guy's son was abducted by us.
Should I run a stock check orjust give him store credit?
- No, I don't want store credit!
I want my son back!
- Okay, this says he agreed to be taken
and made part of any experiments Apple wants to perform.
- Yeah, but it's all a mistake.
He actually didn't read the agreement.
- He didn't read it?
- We know. It's preposterous.
- [groans]
- So...just give them store credit?
[muffled sobbing]
- [screaming in Japanese]
So, sorry, Kyle, but I am starving.
Which one would you rather I eat?
Should I eat cuttlefish and asparagus
or the vanilla paste?
- [muffled] Vanilla paste! Vanilla paste!
- Cuttlefish and asparagus?
- [muffled shouting]
- Very well. I will eat the cuttlefish.
- [muffled] No!
- They're in here!
Go. Go. Come on, guys. Come on, go!
Don't worry. We're here to help you.
- Oh! Thank you! Thank you!
- Shh! Come on, hurry!
We have an ambulance waiting outside!
Just try to stay calm.
We're gonna have to try to get you separated right away.
- Yes, please hurry!
That cuttlefish and asparagus is not sitting well!
- We got it. We got it!
Doctor, can you take this thing apart?
- If I'm going to perform surgery, I need permission.
Sign this release so we can operate!
- [muffled shouting]
[alarm blaring]
- No! Damn it!
It didn't read it!
End simulation. End the simulation!
What is wrong with you people?
Why can't you get the HumancentiPad to read?
- We're sorry, sir.
We really thought we could get it to read this time.
- Oh, no!
Cuttlefish is about to come out of my asshole!
- [muffled shout]
- Oh! Here it comes!
Oh, it's going to be a lot!
Hold on, Kyle!
I believe in you!
[bowel movement]
- [muffled screaming]
[bowel movement]
- [muffled screaming]
[iPad chimes]
[keyboard keys clacking]
- Yup, and then you should be able
to do a customer check, uh-huh.
- Okay, that should do it.
Sorry Apple kidnapped your friend, guys,
but I believe we have it all cleared up.
- You do?
- Yup, we got you a replacement friend.
You should be all good to go.
- Hi, guys.
- No, we don't want a replacement friend.
We want our friend! - [exhales]
We're gonna have to bring more geniuses in on this.
- Yeah, I think we should have a quickening
with all the geniuses.
- I'll summon the council.
- Okay, if you guys just wait here a sec,
we're gonna have a quickening with the council of geniuses.
See what we can do for you.
[all chanting]
- Do you know if your friend has a Verizon
or AT&T mobile number associated with his .me account?
- I think Verizon.
- Okay.
[all chanting]
- Tom, it's a big, exciting day for Mac Apple users,
the unveiling of the first HumancentiPad.
As part of a clear PR stunt,
Apple has joined up with Best Buy and Dr. Phil
to donate the first CentiPad
to a needy boy who was raped by his mother.
- In all my years, I've never heard
a more tragic story than that of Eric Cartman.
And I want to thank the Apple company
for helping us make today a very special day for him.
[cheers and applause]
- And as president of Best Buy, Eric,
I want to assure you that a child will never
get fucked in one of our stores again.
[cheers and applause]
- When Dr. Phil contacted us at Apple
with Eric's story,
we knew we had to get on board.
And so, Eric, here is your very own...
HumancentiPad!
[cheers and applause]
- Whoa! Cool!
[iPhone beeps] Oh, wow, no way!
It does email and web browsing,
and it shits in Kyle's mouth?
This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!
- Yes, but can it read?
- Don't worry.
It took a while, but I'm pretty sure
it has finally learned to read.
Hasn't it?
- [muffled] Yes. I promise I'll read.
[cheers and applause]
[all intoning]
- What the hell are they doing now?
- The geniuses are performing the Toran Ra.
It's future stuff.
[all intoning]
- All right, that's it!
I've had about enough with iCrap and Me Clouds
and a council of geniuses with all their future-
- It's okay, sir.
The Toran Ra has revealed the answer to your problem.
We can retroactively make your son's agreement invalid.
- Okay! Finally! How do we do that?
- It's very easy.
You'll simply need to join Apple.
- No! I don't want to join Apple.
I like my PC.
- But if you join,
we can make your son's account into a family account,
and then you have to iApprove all his agreements.
- Come on, it's not that big a deal.
Will you just stop resisting
and join the rest of us in the future?
- [groans]
All right, fine.
I'll sign up with Apple.
- Kal-if-fee!
Gerald Broflovski,
do you agree to let Apple
track your location at all times?
- [sighs] I agree.
- Do you agree to give Apple
access to all your personal information,
including but not limited to
your favorite movies, songs, and books?
- I agree.
- Do you agree to care about your membership
and prove that you care by purchasing AppleCare?
[bowel movement] - [muffled screaming]
- [laughing]
Dude, HumancentiPad is awesome!
- Sir, sir, we have a problem!
- What?
What do you mean we have to take it apart?
The boy's agreement isn't valid?
- Sorry, we have to recall this.
- What? Hey, that's mine!
- I don't care what the geniuses say!
Damn it, I'm trying to create the future here!
- We are all trying to create the future!
I'm part of the future now too.
I have sat with the council of geniuses,
performed the Toran Ra,
and I've even been to Me.
Mr. Jobs, you have done so much for the world.
You have helped connect everyone to each other.
Clearly, this is the future.
But-but can't we just slow down
and enjoy the present
a little longer?
- You know something?
I agree.
all: Aw!
- [smooches]
- Come on, we'll get you separated, little boy.
Guess you won't be eating Japanese food for a while, huh?
[chuckles]
- Hey!
Hey, what is this, some kind of sick prank?
I get the greatest thing ever just to have it taken away?
Why did you do this to me, God?
Next time you're gonna get my hopes up,
could you please take me to a grease monkey?
'Cause I like to get lubed up before I get fucked!
Huh? Some lube would be nice!
Or at least a courtesy lick, God!
How about a little courtesy lick
next time You decide to fuck me?
[sobbing]