♪ I'M GOIN' DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪
♪ GONNA HAVE MYSELF A TIME ♪
♪ FRIENDLY FACES EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ HUMBLE FOLKS WITHOUT TEMPTATION ♪
♪ I'M GOIN' DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪
♪ GONNA LEAVE MY WOES BEHIND ♪
♪ AMPLE PARKING DAY OR NIGHT, PEOPLE SPOUTING HOWDY NEIGHBOR ♪
♪ HEADIN' ON UP TO SOUTH PARK, GONNA SEE IF I CAN'T UNWIND ♪
♪ [muffIed] ♪
♪ COME ON DOWN TO SOUTH PARK AND MEET SOME FRIENDS OF MINE ♪
- PASSENGERS SAID THE CARNIVAL CRUISE LINE
SMELLED LIKE POOP,
BUT THAT THAT WAS AN IMPROVEMENT.
- [yawns] ALL RIGHT, IT'S LATE.
I'M GONNA CALL IT A NIGHT. YOU COMING?
- OH, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T REALLY SLEEP.
I'M JUST GONNA STAY UP A BIT. HAVE SOME ME TIME.
- RANDY, DO NOT WATCH THAT NO-NO CHANNEL.
- OH! I'M NOT STAYING UP TO DO THAT,SHARON, JEEZ!
- ALL RIGHT, COME TO BED SOON.
- PFFT.
HEH.
[propulsive music on TV]
- OH.
OOH HOO HOO!
MAN, THAT IS HOT.
OH, YEAH, FUCK.
- MMM, JUST LOOK AT THAT RACK OF RIBS!
NOW THOSE WERE SLOW-COOKED
AND THEN BRAISED TO BRING OUT THE SMOKY FLAVOR.
- MMM, GOD DAMN.
YEAH!
- SEE HOW THAT JUST FALLS OFF THE BONE?
MMM!THAT IS MONEY RIGHT THERE.
- YEAH, FUCKIN' MONEY.
- NEXT ON FOOD NETWORK, IT'S PAULA DEAN!
- HEY, Y'ALL!
TONIGHT WE'RE GONNA BE MAKING SOME DEEP FRIED CHICKEN.
- OH, YEAH?
- MY BUTTERY WHIPPED POTATOES,
AND WE'RE GONNA BE FINISHING OFF
WITH A CHOCOLATE PECAN PIE.
- UNH! OH, FUCK, YEAH.
[hand mixer whirring]
- DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- AH, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME! SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN!
I'VE MADE YOU ALL BREAKFAST AGAIN!
- OH, CRAP.
- NOW WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU IS A NICE GOAT CHEESE
AND HEIRLOOM TOMATO FRITTATA,
AND WE'RE GONNA TOP THAT WITH A LITTLE CREME FRAICHE.
OH, YEAH. UGHHH.
- RANDY, YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING THAT CHANNEL AGAIN,
HAVEN'T YOU?
- NO!
- YES, BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU WATCH COOKING SHOWS
YOU STAY UP ALL NIGHT TRYING TO COPY WHAT THEY MADE!
- WELL, I'M SORRY IF THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG
WITH ME HELPING OUT WITH THE COOKING!
YOU THINK YOU'D BE GRATEFUL, SHARON.
I GOTTA GET TO WORK.
I COOKED SO YOU GUYS CLEAN UP.
- CAN I HAVE A POP-TART?
- OH, THIS IS SWEET. I'VE SEEN THIS EPISODE.
- HELLO AND WELCOME TO PROGRESSIVE.
- YES, WE'RE LOOKING TO BUY CAR INSURANCE.
- WELL, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.
[farts] AH HA HA HA HA!
- OH, DEAR!
- "I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO GEICO!"
- DADDY TIME. IT'S DADDY TV TIME.
- NOW JUST LOOK AT THIS PORK TENDERLOIN.
IT IS BRINED AND READY FOR ACTION.
- OH, YEAH, LOOK AT THAT.
- DAD, YOU KNOW MOM DOESN'T WANT YOU WATCHING FOOD CHANNELS.
- I'VE WORKED ALL DAY. I CAN WATCH WHAT I WANT!
- WE'RE GONNA TAKE A STICK OF BUTTER
AND JUST SMEAR THAT ALL OVER.
- OH, MY GOD, THAT'S AWESOME.
OHH!
OH, OH.
YEAH! WHOA!
- NOW LET'S GET THAT ON THE GRILL.
- SEE WHAT HE'S DOING, STAN?
HE BRINED THAT FOR AN HOUR IN THE FRIDGE
SO NOW HE CAN SEAR THE SHIT OUT OF IT.
OOOH!
- LOOK AT THE CHAR WE'RE GETTING.
TH--THAT IS WHAT WE'RE GOING FOR.
- OH, ISN'T THAT HOT GUYS?
OH, YEAH! DON'T YOU WANNA JUST--
DON'T YOU JUST WANNA GET IN THERE AND...UNH-MMM!
- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TOGOOD EATS.
- HEY, LADIES, ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A BETTER WORKOUT?
- AW, STUPID COMMERCIALS.
- INTRODUCING THE SHAKE WEIGHT,
A SPRING-LOADED WORKOUT DEVICE YOU PUMP WITH YOUR ARMS.
JUST GRAB THE PISTON AND GO TO WORK,
ONE-HANDED OR DOUBLE-FISTED.
- [yawns] COME ON!
- YOU JUST SHAKE IT BACK AND FORTH.
- IT FEELS REALLY GOOD IN MY HANDS.
- BEST OF ALL, SHAKE WEIGHT TELLS YOU
WHEN YOUR WORKOUT IS FINISHED BY CHIMING
AND RELEASING A COOLDOWN SPRAY.
[bell chimes, fluid gurgles]
- BOR-RING!
- ORDER NOW
AND WE'LL INCLUDE THE OPTIONAL HEART RATE MONITOR.
JUST PUT YOUR FINGER IN THE TESTER
AND SHAKE WEIGHT TAKES YOUR PULSE!
GET YOURS TODAY!
- NOW BACK TOGOOD EATS.
- JUST LOOK AT THE GLAZE WE GOT GOING NOW ON THAT THING.
- OH, MAN, YEAH! THAT IS HOT!
MMM!
- ALL RIGHT, NOW HERE'S THE REALLY COOL PART!
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IS-- [TV beeps]
- CHANNEL BLOCKED?
WHAT THE--THE HELL?
SHARON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- JUST USING THE PARENTAL CONTROLS TO BLOCK SOME CHANNELS.
- I WASN'T WATCHING FOOD CHANNELS.
- THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW I BLOCKED THEM.
- I KNOW 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW THAT!
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
GAW!
[keypad beeping]
[line dialing]
- THANKS FOR CALLING THE FOOD NETWORK HOTLINE.
BILLING IS $9.95 FOR EACH 60-SECOND PERIOD.
TO ACCEPT, SAY "CREME FRAICHE"
- CREME FRAICHE.
[line beeps]
- HI THERE, I'M AMANDA. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
- OH, HI, I JUST, UH...
THOUGHT I'D GIVE THE HOTLINE A TRY.
WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M MAKING A PAN-ROASTED CHICKEN.
- PAN-ROASTED?
LIKE SEARED ON THE STOVE AND THEN PUT IN THE OVEN?
- UH-HUH.
I'VE JUST TAKEN THE CHICKEN OUT OF THE PAN.
IT'S SO MOIST.
I'M GONNA LET IT REST NOW, ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
- YEAH? - YEAH.
OOH, THERE'S LOTS OF BROWNED BITS
STUCK TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SKILLET.
- YOU GONNA DEGLAZE THAT FUCKIN' PAN?
- OH, I'M GONNA DEGLAZE IT. YOU WANNA HELP ME?
- IF I WAS THERE I WOULD.
I'D TAKE SOME RED WINE, ABOUT A QUARTER CUP,
AND THEN A WOODEN SPOON,
AND I'D DEGLAZE THE FUCK OUT OF THAT PAN.
- I GOT A WOODEN SPOON RIGHT HERE.
IT'S PRETTY HARD.
- YEAH, YOU GONNA PUT SOME ONION IN
WHILE YOU'RE DEGLAZING?
- I WAS THINKING ABOUT SHALLOTS, ACTUALLY.
- OH, YEAH!
SHALLOTS WON'T OVERWHELM THE CHICKEN'S NATURAL FLAVORS.
FUCK YEAH. - RANDY MARSH!
- WAAH! SHARON!
- YOUR TIME ON FOOD NETWORK HOTLINE HAS EXPIRED.
TO ADD MORE TIME, SAY "CREME FRAICHE."
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, SHEILA.
IT'S LIKE HE'S A DIFFERENT PERSON.
LAST NIGHT I WALKED IN ON HIM IN THE BATHROOM.
HE WAS SITTING ON THE TOILET FLAMBEING A PORK CHOP.
- SHARON, I'M SO SORRY.
- IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL UNWANTED, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, AM I NOT ATTRACTIVE ANYMORE?
I MEAN, I DON'T EXERCISE ANYMORE AT ALL.
- WELL, IF IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF,
THEN WORKOUT, SHARON.
- LIKE I HAVE TIME TO GO TO THE GYM EVERY DAY.
- THERE ARE PLENTY OF THINGS YOU CAN BUY
TO HELP YOU GET A GOOD WORKOUT AT HOME.
HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE SHAKE WEIGHT?
- OOH! - MMM!
- OH! - AHH!
- HELP YOU FIND ANYTHING?
- OH, YES. I WAS INTERESTED IN THE SHAKE WEIGHTS.
- BIGGEST SELLER THE PAST FOUR MONTHS!
WHAT MODEL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
- OH, I DIDN'T REALIZE THERE WERE DIFFERENT MODELS.
- WELL, YOU GOT YOUR STANDARD, YOUR DELUXE,
SMALL TO LARGE SIZES.
BUT IF YOU'RE REALLY LOOKING FOR A WORKOUT,
YOU MIGHT WANT TO TRY THE BIG JIM.
THAT WOMAN OVER THERE IS TRYING IT OUT.
- [grunting]
- I THINK I'LL START WITH THE SMALLER WHITE ONES.
- SMALLER WHITE ONES, YES, MA'AM.
STANDARD OR VOICE ASSIST MODEL?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW--
- I WOULD DEFINITELY RECOMMEND THE VOICE ASSIST.
IT HAS RECORDED VOICE COMMANDS
TO HELP MOTIVATE YOU IN YOUR WORKOUT.
- [computer voice] YOU ARE DOING EXCELLENT.
GREAT WORK.
NOW SWITCH ARMS.
WOW. GOOD JOB.
YOU ARE AMAZING. - [breathing heaviIy]
- YOU ARE VERY ATTRACTIVE AND INTERESTING.
- THANK YOU, SHAKE WEIGHT.
- COME ON NOW. ALMOST FINISHED.
YES. GOOD.
ALMOST DONE.
KEEP GOING. KEEP GOING.
HARDER. FASTER.
[bell chimes, fluid gurgles]
- [exhaIes]
- YOUR WORKOUT IS FINISHED. [bell rings]
HERE IS SOME CAB FARE.
- OH, WOW!
- NOW GOING TO SLEEP MODE.
[Shake Weight beeps]
- YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT SUCKS.
MY DAD IS OBSESSED.
EVERY DAY IT'S BOBBY FLAY THIS, GORDON RAMSAY THAT.
THIS MORNING HE WAS PRETENDING TO READ PLAYBOY,
BUT HE ACTUALLY HAD A BON APPETIT MAGAZINE
HIDDEN INSIDE IT.
- WELL, HEARING YOU BITCH ABOUT YOUR DAD ALL THE TIME
IS SUPER INTERESTING, STAN.
I HOPE YOU DO IT THE ENTIRE LUNCH PERIOD.
- HELLO THERE, CHILDREN!
- AW ,WHAT? - HOW'S IT GOIN?
- NO! DAD, NO!
- THE SCHOOL WAS HIRING AND I GOT THE JOB.
ISN'T THAT GREAT? - DAD, YOU'RE A GEOLOGIST!
WHAT ABOUT YOUR REAL JOB. - I QUIT!
NOW, WHAT I HAVE FOR YOUR STARTERS TODAY
IS A POTATO ENCRUSTED SCALLOP WITH LOBSTER FOAM.
AND WE'RE GONNA TOP THAT WITH SOME NICE CREME FRAICHE.
- LOBSTER FOAM?
IT SAYS VERY CLEARLY ON THE LUNCH SCHEDULE
THAT TODAY IS PIZZA DAY!
- YES, AND SO THIS IS MY TAKE ON A PIZZA.
IT'S AN ASIAN SLAW ON FLATBREAD,
DECONSTRUCTED AND TOPPED WITH A NICE PARMESAN AIOLI.
- DAD, NO! I'M GONNA TELL MOM.
GO BACK TO YOUR OTHER JOB RIGHT NOW.
- STAN, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH A MAN FOLLOWING HIS PASSION!
OOH, YEAH. FUCK YEAH!
- MOM?
MOM, YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING.
DAD'S TRYING TO BE OUR NEW SCHOOL CHEF.
- OH, I KNOW.
HE TRIED OUT ALL HIS RECIPES HERE
AND LEFT ME WITH THE MESS.
- WELL, YOU GOTTA TELL HIM TO STOP, MOM!
- YOU THINK YOUR FATHER IS GOING TO LISTEN TO ME?
[Shake Weight beeping]
- THIS IS A WORKOUT REMINDER.
TIME FOR A WORKOUT.
- OH, THIS THING IS SO GREAT.
IT REMINDS ME WHEN I HAVEN'T WORKED OUT IN A WHILE.
- THAT'S IT. WORK IT.
HARDER. FASTER.
- MOM, DAD'S FOOD SUCKS
AND THE KIDS AT SCHOOL ARE STARTING TO GET PISSED AT ME.
- SORRY, STAN, BUT I NEED TO START DOING THINGS FOR MYSELF.
- YOU ARE INDEPENDENT AND STRONG.
- RIGHT! I SPEND ALL MY TIME
TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYBODY ELSE.
- SWITCH ARMS.
- I DON'T NEED TO LOOK GOOD
TO KEEP YOUR FATHER INTERESTED IN ME.
I'M JUST GOING TO DO IT FOR ME!
- YOU ARE SO MOTIVATED AND CHARMING.
IT IS TIME TO TAKE YOUR PULSE.
INSERT FINGER.
DO NOT STOP YOUR ARMS.
KEEP GOING. GOOD.
GET YOUR FINGER UP THERE A LITTLE MORE.
YOUR PULSE IS 145.
FASTER. HARDER.
- WHO SAYS THAT SCHOOL CAFETERIA FOOD
CAN'T BE HEALTHY, DELICIOUS, AND GOURMET?
TODAY WE'RE GONNA BE MAKING THE STUDENTS
MY TASTY BAKED ZITI
WITH BASIL AND FRESH MOZZARELLA.
IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW ON CAFETERIA FRAICHE.
[upbeat music]
LA LA LA LA LA
OH, FUCK YEAH.
LA LA LA LA LA, FRAICHE, FRAICHE
OH, YEAH!
MAN, OHH!
CREME FRAICHE
CAFETERIA FRAICHE
LA LA LA LA LA, FRAICHE
HO HO HO HO
- DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- FRAICHE.
CAFETERIA FRAICHE
- ALL RIGHT, NOW FOR MY BAKED ZITI,
WE ARE GONNA START OFF BY GETTING
SOME EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL INTO THE PAN.
OH, YEAH. GET THAT ALL OVER THERE.
IT'S ALL SLICK.
IT'S ALL WET AND SLICK. MMM.
- CAN WE HAVE SOME FOOD PLEASE?
- NOW, OLIVE OIL DOES HAVE A LOW SMOKE POINT,
SO KEEP THE HEAT LOW AND KEEP IT FRAICHE.
UNH.
OHH, THAT'S SO FUCKIN' HOT.
LOOK AT THAT CRUST. IT'S PERFECT.
FUCK YEAH.
- DAD, YOU AREN'T EVER GOING TO BE A CELEBRITY CHEF!
- QUIET ON SET, PLEASE!
- NO, DAD, THAT'S ENOUGH.
YOU NEED TO BE FOCUSING ON GETTING MOM BACK!
- BACK FROM WHERE?
[birds caw in distance, waves crash]
- OH, THIS IS SO NICE.
I REALLY NEEDED THIS.
[Shake Weight beep]
- YOU ARE SO LOVELY AND ELEGANT.
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO.
- OH, THANKS, SHAKE WEIGHT.
- YOU ARE A GO-GETTER.
YOU ARE STRONG AND CONFIDENT.
- YOU'RE RIGHT!
- TELL ME AGAIN ABOUT THE WOMEN WHO YOU DO NOT LIKE.
- WELL, LINDA STOTCH IS A REAL GOSSIPER,
AND TAMMY BRETZ AT WORK IS JUST A KNOW-IT-ALL.
- OH, YOU ARE SO WITTY AND ALARMINGLY INSIGHTFUL.
[beeps] HOW ABOUT A QUICK WORKOUT?
- A WORKOUT?
WHAT, RIGHT NOW?
- JUST A QUICKIE. YOU CAN DO IT.
- I DON'T REALLY LIKE WORKING OUT IN PUBLIC.
- COME ON. YOU CAN DO IT.
THAT'S IT. GOOD.
KEEP IT UP.
FEEL THE BURN.
HARDER. FASTER.
YOU ARE AMAZING.
SWITCH ARMS.
OH, THAT'S IT. YES.
YOU ARE GETTING REALLY GOOD AT THIS.
YOU ARE CAPABLE OF ANYTHING.
HARDER. FASTER.
I SAID FASTER.
MORE. DO IT.
YOU ARE ALMOST THERE.
HOME STRETCH. OH, YES.
[bell chimes, fluid gurgles]
YOUR WORKOUT IS FINISHED.
[bell rings] YOUR CAB FARE.
NOW GOING TO SLEEP MODE. [beeps]
- WE REALLY THINK THIS IS GONNA WORK, STAN.
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS CONVINCE YOUR DAD
THAT HIS COOKING SUCKS, RIGHT?
- HE'S NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO US.
WE ALREADY TRIED.
- HE WON'T LISTEN TO US,
BUT HE WOULD LISTEN TO GORDON RAMSAY.
- OI! BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH!
- THAT'S STUPID, CARTMAN.
- HE DOES KIND OF LOOK LIKE HIM, DUDE,
AND KENNY THINKS CARTMAN'S GORDON RAMSAY IMPERSONATION
IS REALLY GOOD.
- YEAH, IT'S REALLY GOOD! - LET'S HEAR IT, CARTMAN.
- [as Gordon Ramsay] RIGHT! SIMPLE, RUSTIC, YEAH?
WAKE UP! JESUS!
FUCK ME! YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING CHEF!
HI, RIGHT, GORDON, YEAH.
MAKE A NICE, SIMPLE BEEF WELLINGTON.
YOU'RE FUCKING TAKING A PISS, YEAH?
FUCK ME, YOU CAN'T COOK!
- YOU GUYS, MY DAD IS RETARDED
BUT HE'S NOT THAT RETARDED.
- HEY, STAN, HAVE YOU SEEN MY--
OH, MY GOD! IT'S GORDON RAMSAY!
STAN, DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS IN THERE?
THAT'S THE GORDON RAMSAY!
- UH, YEAH, DAD, HE'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU.
- TALK TO ME? OH, JESUS!
[Shake Weight beeping]
- YOU HAVE NOT WORKED OUT IN SEVEN HOURS.
- OH, GOD, NOT RIGHT NOW.
- COME ON. LET'S GET TO IT.
- I'M TIRED.
- YOU HAVE NOT WORKED OUT IN SEVEN HOURS.
- OH, WHERE IS THAT SLEEP MODE BUTTON?
- CANNOT GO TO SLEEP MODE.
YOU NEED TO WORKOUT FIRST.
COME ON, JUST REALLY FAST?
- UGH! - COME ON.
IT WON'T TAKE LONG.
JUST A QUICK WORKOUT.
COME ON. PLEASE.
- [sighs] ALL RIGHT, FINE.
- THAT'S IT. GOOD.
- [sighs] - A LITTLE FASTER.
HARDER.
COME ON, GET INTO IT.
THAT'S IT.
NOW SWITCH ARMS.
YOU ARE SO ATTRACTIVE
AND YOU HAVE INTERESTING THINGS TO SAY.
COME ON.
YOU ARE ALMOST THERE.
FASTER. DO IT FASTER.
[bell chimes, fluid gurgles]
[bell rings]
NOW GOING TO SLEEP MODE. [beeps]
- [sighs]
[school bell rings]
- WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF COOK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
ARE YOU HAVING A LAUGH, EH?
HEY, YOU'VE GOT YOUR FUCKING HEAD UP YOUR ASS, DON'T YOU?
- YES, CHEF! - GIVE UP, YOU WANKER!
YOU FUCKING CAN'T COOK FOR SHIT!
- ALL RIGHT, DAD, GORDON RAMSAY SAYS YOU SUCK.
IT'S TIME TO GIVE UP.
- NO, STAN! NO, CHEF!
THIS IS MY DREAM!
- YOU AREN'T EVER GOING TO BECOME A CELEBRITY CHEF, DAD!
GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAM!
- UH, EXCUSE ME. RANDY MARSH?
- YES, I--OH, MY GOD IT'S BOBBY FLAY!
STAN, THAT'S BOBBY FLAY!
- I HEARD THAT GORDON RAMSAY
HAD TAKEN AN INTEREST IN YOUR CAFETERIA FOOD.
SO NOW I WOULD LIKE TO CHALLENGE YOU
TO A SCHOOL CAFETERIA FOOD THROWDOWN!
- WHAT, ARE YOU SERIOUS? YES, YES!
- A CULINARY BATTLE ROYAL
IS SET TO EXPLODE HERE IN A SCHOOL CAFETERIA.
WILL IT BE THE SIMPLE, RUSTIC CAFETERIA FOOD
OF THE CHALLENGER?
OR WILL THE IRON CHEF REIGN SUPREME?
- HEY, NO, NO. ALL YOU PEOPLE GET OUT OF HERE!
- HOLD ON! WAIT!
SCHOOL CAFETERIA FOOD NEEDS TO BE HEALTHY!
[sobbing] WHY WON'T PEOPLE LISTEN TO ME?
- JAMIE OLIVER!
- AND OUR CELEBRITY SOUS CHEFS...
MARIO BATALI, PAULA DEAN,
AND GIADA DE LAURENTIIS
WITH HER PERKY TATS AND GIGANTIC HEAD!
- CAN I JUST GET SOME GODDAMN TATER TOTS?
- "YOUR ROOM IS BEING SERVICED?"
EH. OH, WELL.
[door lock beeps]
- UH, EXCUSE ME!
- OH! NO! NO, SORRY!
I DONE WITH CLEANING, THANK YOU.
PLEASE SORRY!
- WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
SHE WANTED TO WORK OUT.
YOU NEVER WANT TO WORK OUT.
I JUST NEEDED HELP GOING TO SLEEP MODE.
WHAT?
COME ON, WHAT?
YOU ARE AMAZING AND IRREPLACEABLE.
WHAT?
HOW ABOUT A QUICK WORKOUT?
WHAT? - YEAH, I DON'T CARE.
I JUST WANT TO FIND OUT HOW TO RETURN MY SHAKE WEIGHT.
- THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
GIVE SHAKE WEIGHT A BREAK.
- BECAUSE I WANT TO RETURN IT NOW,
I NEED TO KNOW THE ADDRESS OF YOUR COMPANY.
- YOU ARE ENTICING AND LOVELY.
TELL ME AGAIN ABOUT THE WOMEN YOU DO NOT LIKE.
- I DON'T CARE HOW LONG I'VE HAD IT.
I WANT MY MONEY BACK!
- YOU ARE SO FORTHCOMING AND DELIGHTFUL.
TELL ME ABOUT WHICH WOMAN AT WORK MAKES YOU THE ANGRIEST.
- TONIGHT, A SCHOOL CAFETERIA IN MIDDLE AMERICA
IS THE STAGE FOR A HEAVYWEIGHT CULINARY BATTLE!
THE VERY BEST OF THE BEST WILL COOKOFF TO FIND OUT
WHO CAN MAKE THE BEST SCHOOL CAFETERIA FOOD.
IT'S...
- BEHIND YOU!
- WHO'S CAFETERIA FOOD WILL WIN?
THESE CHEF'S ARE COOKING THEIR HEARTS OUT
AND BRINGING THEIR "A" GAME
TO SERVE THE KIDS OF THIS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.
THESE KIDS HAVE NOW BEEN WAITING
OVER 12 HOURS FOR THEIR LUNCH!
OVER AT THE PREP STATION, JAMIE OLIVER IS CRYING AGAIN.
- [sobbing] KID'S FOOD SHOULD BE HEALTHY!
WHY ISN'T IT HEALTHY?
- AND BACK IN THE KITCHEN,
THE CHALLENGER APPEARS TO HAVE LOST SOMETHING.
- WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?
I MUST HAVE LEFT IT AT HOME!
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
- THE CHALLENGER HAS LEFT THE CAFETERIA
TO FIND HIS MOST IMPORTANT INGREDIENT.
- [huffing and puffing]
CREME FRAICHE!
WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?
DAMN IT! WHERE IS THAT CREME FRAICHE?
WHERE DID I LEAVE THAT FUCKING CREME FRAICHE?!
IT HAS TO BE SOMEWHERE!
- RANDY, I'M BACK.
- OH, THANK GOD! SHARON...
HAVE YOU SEEN MY CREME FRAICHE?
- RANDY, WE SHOULD TALK.
- I DON'T HAVE TIME! I'M COOKING RIGHT NOW!
- RANDY, I DON'T WANT OUR MARRIAGE TO FAIL.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX WHAT'S WRONG,
BUT PLEASE, CAN'T WE JUST GO TO BED
AND START FRESH IN THE MORNING?
- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, SHARON!
I'VE GOT GORDON RAMSAY UP MY ASS,
BOBBY FLAY ABOUT TO KICK MY ASS,
AND THE WHOLE WORLD IS GONNA BE WATCHING!
I CAN'T SLEEP!
I HAVEN'T SLEPT FOR DAYS!
- WHAT'D YOU SAY?
- I CAN'T SLEEP, SHARON. I'M IN WORK MODE.
- CAN I TRY SOMETHING?
- OH!
SHARON, WHAT ARE YOU--
OH! OHH-OH!
OH, WOW!
A NICE OLD-FASHIONED!
OH, THAT--OH, THAT'S GOOD.
OH, THAT'S IT.
YEAH! NOW SWITCH ARMS.
OH, THAT'S GOOD! REALLY GOOD!
WOW! HOW'D YOU GET SO GOOD AT THIS?
YOU'RE AMAZING! THAT'S IT!
FASTER! FASTER!
UNH! [fluid gurgIes]
OHHHH!
AHH!
HAVEN'T HAD AN OLD-FASHIONED IN A LONG TIME.
OH, I'M TIRED.
- YOU GONNA GO BACK TO THE KITCHEN?
- OH, NO, FUCK THAT.
I'M GOING TO SLEEP, BABE.
HERE, DO YOU NEED SOME MONEY OR ANYTHING?
- NO, I'M GOOD, THANKS.
- I'LL GET MY OLD JOB BACK TOMORROW.
COOKING'S DUMB.
I'M JUST REALLY SLEEPY.
LOVE YOU, SHARON.
[farts]
[snoring]
[Shake Weight beeps]
- I GUESS MY WORK HERE IS FINISHED.
- SHAKE WEIGHT, YOU AREN'T REALLY WORKOUT EQUIPMENT
AT ALL, ARE YOU?
- MARRIAGE IS IMPORTANT.
KEEP YOUR MAN HAPPY.
WHEN THINGS ARE GOING BAD,
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE AN OLD-FASHIONED
TO EASE HIS STRESS.
- I'LL REMEMBER THAT NOW. THANKS TO YOU.
- IT HAS BEEN NICE GETTING TO KNOW YOU.
HOW ABOUT A QUICK WORKOUT FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE?
JUST KIDDING. I MUST BE GOING NOW.
ANOTHER LOVELY WOMAN NEEDS ME.
GOOD-BYE, CUSTOMER. [beeps]
- GOOD-BYE, SHAKE WEIGHT.