♪ I'M GOIN' DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪
♪ GONNA HAVE MYSELF A TIME ♪
♪ FRIENDLY FACES EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ HUMBLE FOLKS WITHOUT TEMPTATION ♪
♪ I'M GOIN' DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪
♪ GONNA LEAVE MY WOES BEHIND ♪
♪ AMPLE PARKING DAY OR NIGHT, PEOPLE SPOUTING HOWDY NEIGHBOR ♪
♪ HEADIN' ON UP TO SOUTH PARK, GONNA SEE IF I CAN'T UNWIND ♪
♪ [muffIed] ♪
♪ COME ON DOWN TO SOUTH PARK AND MEET SOME FRIENDS OF MINE ♪
- MOM, DAD, WHAT'S MUFF CABBAGE?
- MUFF CABBAGE?
- WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?
- MUFF CABBAGE.
- THE NEW NEIGHBORS THAT MOVED IN NEXT TO STAN'S HOUSE.
ME AND IKE SAW THE MOM GET A PARKING TICKET,
AND SHE CALLED THE PARKING COP MUFF CABBAGE.
- MUFF CABBAGE!
- A NEW FAMILY MOVED IN? WHERE ARE THEY FROM?
- SHE SAID THEY'RE FROM NEW JERSEY.
- NEW JERSEY?
A FAMILY FROM NEW JERSEY MOVED IN NEXT TO THE MARSHES?
- YEAH. STAN SAID THEY'RE HAVING THEM OVER FOR DINNER TONIGHT.
- OH, GOD.
POOR SHARON. DOESN'T SHE KNOW?
- KNOW WHAT, MA?
- MUFF CABBAGE!
- NEVER INVITE A NEW JERSEY HOUSEWIFE INTO YOUR HOME.
- AND SO THEN I MET THE SCHOOL PRINCIPAL.
WHAT'S HER NAME? PRINCIPAL VICTORIA!
WHAT A STUPID BITCH!
I MEAN, EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE,
BUT THAT BITCH NEEDS HER FUCKING HEAD EXAMINED!
YEAH, SO MY FAMILY AND I MOVED
FROM JERSEY TO SOUTH PARK ABOUT A WEEK AGO.
SO FAR, I CAN TELL THAT EVERYONE HERE REALLY LIKES ME.
OH, AND I MET, THAT STOTCH WOMAN, WHAT'S HER NAME?
- OH, LINDA, UH-HUH.
- HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW YELLOW THAT BITCH'S TEETH ARE?
YOU CAN TELL THAT WOMAN IS A PIECE OF GAHBAGE!
SHE'S GAHBAGE!
I WENT INTO THE MALL HERE AND I JUST ABOUT DROPPED DEAD.
THE ONLY PANTIES YOU CAN BUY
MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE YOU GOT A GRANDMA MUFF!
- SO, RANDY, WHAT GYM'S ARE GOOD AROUND HERE?
WHERE DO YOU WORK OUT?
- OH, I DON'T REALLY WORK OUT.
- WELL, I GOTTA FIND SOMETHIN'.
MY BICEPS ARE GOIN' FLAT!
- WHERE CAN YOU GET GOOD CLOTHES IN THIS TOWN?
NOWHERE.
I MEAN, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE STUCK
WEARING GAHBAGE LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
AND THE WOMAN THAT WORKS THE HAIR SALON, JULIA,
HAVE YOU SEEN HOW BIG THAT BITCH'S EARS ARE?
- OH, JULIA'S A FRIEND OF MINE, YEAH.
- EARS OUT TO HERE.
SO I TELL HER, "YOU GOT BIG EARS, SWEETIE."
I'M NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN. IT'S JUST A JERSEY THING!
WHY BE OFFENDED? I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT A BIG CHIN!
WE'VE ALL GOT IMPERFECTIONS!
- RIGHT, JUST LIKE YOUR EYES ARE KIND OF FAR APART.
- THAT WAS TOTALLY UNCALLED FOR, FOR WHAT SHE DID.
MY EYES ARE TOO FAR APART?
AND LIKE, WHO IS SHE? IS SHE GOD? NO.
YOU DON'T EVER, EVER--
YOU WHACK JOB PROSTITUTION WHORE!
YOU'D PROBABLY SELL YOUR MUFF FOR $6.00!
YOU FUCKING PSYCHO BITCH!
FUCK YOU! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT GAHBAGE!
THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE. YOU'RE GAHBAGE!
YOU'RE SICK, OLD WOMAN MUFF GAHBAGE!
FUCK THIS PSYCHO BITCH!
- WOW!
- LET'S GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
SHE'S A FUCKING PIG!
SHE'S FUCKING PISSING ME OFF!
OKAY, I LOVE YOU. - TAKE IT EASY.
- I LOVE YOU. I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DECK HER.
I WAS FINE, I WAS REALLY FINE.
I JUST WANTED TO GET MY POINT ACROSS TO HER,
AND THEN THAT'S HOW I AM.
LIKE I COULD BE MAD ONE MINUTE, AND THEN I'LL BE FINE.
OKAY, ALL BETTER. JUST HAD TO GET THAT OUT.
IT'S JUST-- IT'S A JERSEY THING!
SO WHO WANTS DESSERT? MEEEE!
- YOU GUYS DO NOT UNDERSTAND,
HAVING NEIGHBORS FROM JERSEY IS THE WORST.
ALL NIGHT LONG, THEY KEEP ME AWAKE.
THEY'RE EITHER SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER
OR MAKING SOME DISGUSTING SEX SOUNDS.
IT SEEMS LIKE ALL PEOPLE FROM JERSEY DO
IS HUMP AND PUNCH EACH OTHER.
- YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU WANT A FAMILY TO MOVE AWAY?
EVERY NIGHT, YOU GO AND TAKE A CRAP ON THEIR DOORSTEP.
- IS THAT WHY THERE'S CRAP ON MY DOORSTEP EVERY MORNING?
- OOPS! BUSTED!
- THEY TALK WAY TOO LOUD, THEY FLIP OUT FOR NO REASON,
AND EVERY TIME THEY ACT LIKE SELFISH ASSHOLES,
THEY JUST GO, "OH, IT'S A JERSEY THING, IT'S A JERSEY THING."
- HEY! YOU TALKIN' ABOUT JERSEY?
ME AND MY FRIENDS ARE FROM JERSEY!
- OH, CRAP. THERE'S MORE OF THEM?
- HEY, COME ON!
THERE'S PEOPLE FROM JERSEY ALL OVER!
WHO HERE IS FROM JERSEY?
[cheering]
- SO I'M STANDING THERE,
AND I'M LIKE, WHO'S FROM JERSEY?
AND PEOPLE ARE ALL LIKE, "YO! WHOO-HOO!"
NEXT THING YOU KNOW? JERSEY PARTY AT SIZZLER.
[dance music]
- YEAH, LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!
[slapping and punching]
- WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY COMING FROM?
[shattering gIass]
- DANIELLE IS BEING A STUPID BITCH!
- SHUT UP, THERESA.
YOU'RE PATHETIC.
- I'M PATHETIC? YOU'RE MUFF GAHBAGE!
OH, SHARON! HI, SWEETIE!
YOU GOTTA MEET OUR NEW NEIGHBORS!
THIS IS JACQUELINE. SHE'S FROM JERSEY.
- AND SICILIAN.
- THAT'S DANIELLE.
SHE'S FROM JERSEY.
AND THAT'S CAROLINE.
- I'M HAVING MY FACE SHAVED.
IT'S A JERSEY THING.
- I'M SORRY, BUT I HAVE OTHER CLIENTS IN TEN MINUTES.
CAN YOU SIT DOWN?
- WHEN THE SALON GIRL TOLD THERESA TO SIT DOWN,
I THOUGHT THERESA WAS GONNA BUST A TIT.
- DON'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
I'M A CLIENT HERE!
- THERESA! CALM DOWN!
- I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE YOUR SHIT.
I'M FROM JERSEY!
- GET HER, SHARON! - WHAT?
- SHARON, JUST STAY OUT OF IT.
- BE THE BIGGER PERSON, SHARON.
- YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY. - WHO'S CRAZY?
ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT MY FAMILY?
IS MY FAMILY CRAZY? - [screaming]
- DON'T YOU PULL MY FRIEND'S HAIR, YOU BITCH!
- LET GO OF HER, YOU PIECE OF TRASH.
- WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO?
- ALL YOU TRASHY WHORES,
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND LEAVE HER ALONE!
- PSYCHO BITCH!
- NO, YOU'RE A PSYCHO BITCH!
PSYCHO BITCH! PSYCHO BITCH!
YOU WANNA SEE FUCKING CRAZY?
YOU BETTER JUST STEP THE FUCK AWAY,
YOU WANNA SEE FUCKING CRAZY!
- YOU'RE CABBAGE!
- SHEILA?
- PEOPLE OF SOUTH PARK, WE HAVE ALL NOTICED
A STEEP RISE IN EVERYTHING JERSEY LATELY.
AS MANY OF YOU ALREADY KNOW,
EVERYTHING EAST OF THE ROCKIES IS NOW PART OF NEW JERSEY.
THE JERSEY SHORE NOW INCLUDES JACKSONVILLE, MIAMI,
THE GULF OF JERSEY, MEXICO, AND THE JERSEY ISLANDS.
- JESUS! WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS?
- MORE PEOPLE FROM JERSEY ARE SHOWING UP IN OUR TOWN.
IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING,
SOUTH PARK IS GOING TO BECOME WEST JERSEY.
- WELL, THAT DOES IT!
LET'S GO TELL EVERYONE FROM JERSEY
WE DON'T WANT THEM HERE!
all: YEAH! - THAT WON'T WORK!
YOU CAN'T JUST TELL PEOPLE FROM JERSEY YOU DON'T LIKE THEM.
NO MATTER HOW OBNOXIOUS THEY ARE,
THEY WILL CONVINCE THEMSELVES
THAT YOU ALL ACTUALLY THINK THEY'RE COOL.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT, MRS. BROFLOVSKI?
- THAT'S WHEN I KNEW I HAD TO TELL EVERYONE THE TRUTH.
THAT ORIGINALLY, I'M FROM JERSEY.
YES, BORN AND RAISED.
I WASN'T EVEN CALLED SHEILA BACK THEN.
IN JERSEY, I WAS KNOWN AS S-WOWW TITTYBANG.
I DRANK HEAVILY AND PUNCHED A LOT OF BITCHES IN THE FACE.
LIVING IN SOUTH PARK,
I'M ABLE TO CONTROL THE JERSEY SIDE OF ME,
WHICH DOESN'T REALLY COME OUT
UNLESS I GET AROUND OTHER PEOPLE FROM JERSEY.
I'M JUST REALLY HOPING THAT PEOPLE HERE
DON'T JUDGE ME FOR IT.
OR SOMEHOW, YOU KNOW, HOLD IT AGAINST ME.
- SHEILA, WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
- YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND. IT'S A JERSEY THING.
- YOU AIN'T GETTIN' BY THAT WAY, KENNY.
[laughs]
- HEY, DUDES.
- OH! WELL, WELL, WELL.
LOOK WHAT THE CAT THREW UP IN THE LITTER BOX.
COME ON, GUYS, WE DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN HANGING AROUND HIM.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- DUDE, WE HEARD THE NEWS.
YOUR MOM IS FROM JERSEY!
- SO WHAT?
THAT MAKES YOU FROM JERSEY!
- NO, IT DOESN'T!
- HE'S FROM JERSEY, YOU GUYS.
LET'S JUST GET AWAY FROM HIM.
- I'M NOT FROM JERSEY. I WAS BORN HERE!
- DON'T TRY AND DENY IT.
YOU'RE ONE OF THEM, DUDE,
AND BY MY ACCOUNTS, THAT'S STRIKE THREE!
- WHAT'S STRIKE THREE?
- YOU'RE A GINGER, A JEW, AND FROM JERSEY.
THREE STRIKES, KYLE! YOU'RE OUT!
- SHUT THE FUCK UP!
WHAT?
- DID YOU KNOW YOUR MOM WAS FROM JERSEY?
- WHY DOES IT MATTER?
- NO, IT JUST EXPLAINS A LOT.
- OH, MY GOD!
KYLE'S EVEN STARTING TO LOOK LIKE HE'S FROM JERSEY!
HIS SKIN IS TURNING ORANGE!
- NO, IT ISN'T! - YES, IT IS!
IT'S GETTING ORANGER! - STOP IT, CARTMAN.
JUST 'CAUSE KYLE'S MOM IS A JERSEY ASSHOLE
DOESN'T MEAN KYLE IS.
- YEAH. - OKAY.
YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT, GUYS.
AS FOR ME?
WELL, YOU'RE A HEARTLESS, BACKSTABBING JERSEY BOY, KYLE,
AND I SHANT BE PLAYING BASKETBALL
WITH THE LIKES OF YOU.
AND I'M GONNA START CRAPPIN' ON YOUR DOORSTEP A LOT MORE.
- NO, COULDN'T BE.
OH, MY GOD.
[knock on door]
- KYLE, YOU IN THERE?
- HOLD ON! UM, NOT RIGHT NOW!
- KYLE, OPEN THE DOOR.
- NOT NOW, MOM, PLEASE!
- KYLE, THIS INSTANT! ONE, TWO--
- ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!
- I GUESS WE NEED TO TALK.
I KNOW THIS HAS TO BE VERY UPSETTING FOR YOU, KYLE.
- WHAT AM I, MOM?
- WHEN I GOT PREGNANT WITH YOU, KYLE, YOUR FATHER AND I
WERE LIVING WITH MY PARENTS IN NEWARK.
WE KNEW WE HAD TO GET OUT.
NEITHER ONE OF US WANTED OUR CHILD TO BE FROM JERSEY.
SO WE MOVED AS FAR AWAY AS WE COULD.
BUT NOW I REALIZE, YOU CAN TAKE THE FETUS OUT OF JERSEY,
BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE JERSEY OUT OF THE FETUS.
- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
- I'M SAYING THAT FOR THE FIRST TWO MONTHS
I CARRIED YOU IN MY STOMACH, I LIVED IN NEWARK.
TECHNICALLY, YOU ARE FROM JERSEY.
- NO!
I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE THIS!
- IT ISN'T SO BAD, KYLE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THE JERSEY LOOK IS NICE.
- AAAAAAAH!
- I CAN HIDE IT! NOBODY EVER HAS TO KNOW!
I CAN'T EVER LET ANYBODY KNOW!
- LIVE, FROM ST. LOUIS, NEW JERSEY,
IT'S THEJERSEY NEWS,
WITH ANCHOR MEN P-TRAIN AND TAN JOVI.
- WHAT'S UP, NEW JERSEY? IT'S THE EVENING NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT--
MANY JERSEY PEOPLE ARE FRICKIN' PISSED
AFTER A SMALL TOWN IN COLORADO
GOT ALL AGGRO ON SOME DECENT JERSEY FOLK.
FOR MORE ON THE STORY, WE GO TO CHICAGO.
- PEOPLE HERE IN CHICAGO, NEW JERSEY,
ARE RILED UP, P-TRAIN.
APPARENTLY A TOWN CALLED SOUTH PARK,
WHICH IS AT THE BORDER OF DENVER, NEW JERSEY,
IS DISCRIMINATING AGAINST PEOPLE FROM JERSEY!
THEY WON'T SELL HOUSES TO PEOPLE FROM JERSEY,
AND THEY'RE MAKING ALL THE ONES WHO MOVED IN MOVE OUT,
AND THEY'RE TAKING DOWN ALL THE JERSEY-OWNED SHOPS!
IT'S LIKE THESE PEOPLE GOT A BEEF WITH JERSEY.
WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
- WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
- WELL, WE ARE COMIN' AFTER YOU, SOUTH PARK!
WE FIGHT DISCRIMINATION! IT'S A JERSEY THING!
- PLEASE, GOVERNOR, YOU HAVE TO SEND YOUR TROOPS
TO JOIN US IN THIS FIGHT.
WE'RE JUST A SMALL TOWN.
WE CAN'T STOP NEW JERSEY ON OUR OWN.
- WE ARE VERY SORRY,
BUT CALIFORNIA CANNOT AFFORD HELPING YOU AT THIS TIME.
- CAN'T YOU SEE THAT IF WE FALL TO NEW JERSEY,
CALIFORNIA IS NEXT?
- NO, BECAUSE UTAH IS BETWEEN COLORADO AND CALIFORNIA.
- OH. FINE.
BUT WHEN UTAH GETS TAKEN OVER BY NEW JERSEY, THEN WHO'S NEXT?
- NEVADA.
- OH, REALLY? WELL, OKAY, MR. "I'M AWESOME AT GEOGRAPHY."
- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
- TRYING TO HELP. MY DAD SAYS TO DISTRIBUTE ALL THESE GUNS.
- AND WE'RE JUST GONNA LET HIM STAND AROUND HERE?
HE'S ONE OF THEM, HE COULD EASILY BE A SPY!
- I TOLD YOU, CARTMAN. I'M NOT ONE OF THEM.
I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN WEST JERSEY ANY MORE THAN YOU DO!
- OVERCOMPENSATING A LITTLE, AREN'T WE, KYLE?
- THAT'S ENOUGH.
- YOUR BLOOD IS TAINTED WITH THE THREE Js!
JEWISH, JERSEY, AND JINGER! ADMIT IT!
- AAAAAAAAH!
I'M NOT ONE OF THEM!
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
YOU BETTER GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FAT HEAD!
I WILL NEVER BE ONE OF THEM, AND IF YOU SAY IT AGAIN,
I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL SMASH YOUR FUCKING TEETH IN!
- [crying]
THAT HURT MY THROAT BECAUSE HE PUSHED IT RIGHT HERE,
AND THEN THE BACK OF MY HEAD HIT THE TREE.
IT WAS--IT WAS--THERE WAS BARK AND IT SCRATCHED IT.
DID YOU SEE THE SCRATCH, KENNY?
- PLEASE, EMPEROR AKISHINO,
WE NEED JAPAN'S HELP TO FIGHT THESE PEOPLE.
FINE, BUT YOU JAPS WILL ALL BE EATING HOAGIES IN A MONTH!
[grunts] THAT'S IT.
NOBODY'S GONNA HELP US. WE'RE ON OUR OWN.
- WE CAN'T TAKE ON ALL OF JERSEY.
WE HAVE TO FIND SUPPORT!
- THERE IS NO SUPPORT.
EVERY ALLY AMERICA HAD IS-- WAIT A MINUTE.
SOMETIMES WHEN A THREAT IS GREAT ENOUGH,
YOU HAVE TO TURN TO YOUR ENEMIES FOR HELP.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WE COULD ASK AL-QAEDA.
- ASK AL-QAEDA FOR HELP?
AFTER WHAT THEY DID TO US?
- MAYBE IT'S TIME WE PUT OUR DIFFERENCES ASIDE
AND FORGIVE THEM.
- AND WHAT ABOUT THE FAMILIES OF THE VICTIMS OF 9/1 1?
THEIR FEELINGS MATTER FOR ANOTHER TEN MONTHS, DAMN IT!
- HEY! HEY, WE GOT A PROBLEM!
YOU GOTTA GET SOME PEOPLE DOWN TO THE BAR QUICK!
THERE'S TROUBLE! - PEOPLE FROM JERSEY?
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I SAW.
- IT TORE A HOLE IN MY MEAT LOCKER.
SMASHED THE CIGARETTE MACHINE IN HALF.
- ALL RIGHT, COME OUT NOW.
MAKE IT EASY ON YOURSELF.
[creature jabbering and laughing]
[bottles clinking]
- [gibberish]
- IT'S ONE OF THEM!
THAT THING'S FROM JERSEY TOO!
- [gibberish]
- WHAT IS IT?
- IT'S CALLED A SNOOKI. IT'S VERY FAMOUS.
- [gibberish]
- THAT THING IS FAMOUS? WHY?
- I DON'T KNOW!
- WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? LET'S KILL IT!
[gunshot]
- [gibberish] SNOOKI!
- DON'T LET IT GET AWAY!
- WHERE IS IT? - WHO WAS THAT?
- AAH! GET IT OFF OF ME!
- SNOOKI SMUSH! - SHOOT IT!
[gunshot] - [whimpering]
[gibberish]
- SO THEN HE GRABS MY THROAT, RIGHT?
AND HE SLAMS MY HEAD INTO A TREE,
AND THEN HE SCREAMS, "I'LL SMASH YOUR TEETH IN."
MY HEAD IS ALL, LIKE, GASHED OPEN!
- KYLE DID THAT? GEE WHIZ.
- I'M TELLING YOU, GUYS, HE'S GETTING WORSE.
THE JERSEY IN KYLE IS COMING OUT.
I DON'T SEE ANY OTHER CHOICE.
WE HAVE KIDNAP KYLE
AND LOCK HIM IN THE MEAT FREEZER AT SIZZLER.
HEY, KYLE. 'SUP?
KIND OF NICE OUT TONIGHT, HUH?
HE HAS TO BE PUT AWAY, AND HE HAS TO BE PUT AWAY NOW.
- ARE YOU BEIN' SERIOUS?
- THIS IS VERY SERIOUS, BUTTERS!
- YEAH, BUT LOCKING KYLE IN A MEAT FREEZER,
I MEAN, HE COULD DIE.
- WELL, IF HE DOES, TOO BAD.
DID YOU SEE THAT SCRATCH ON MY HEAD?
HEY, KYLE.
[groans]
DUDE, YOU SMELL RASPBERRIES?
I SMELL RASPBERRIES. HUH.
WE NEED TO DO THIS NOW.
AT SOME POINT, HE MIGHT START SUSPECTING SOMETHING'S UP.
-USTUGH YUR HAMOK UMMAN.
- HELLO, MR. BIN LADEN.
MY NAME IS RANDY, AND I'M A GEOLOGIST IN AMERICA.
I KNOW THAT AMERICA ISN'T YOUR FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD.
BUT GOSH DARN IT, WE NEED YOUR HELP.
AS YOU MAY KNOW, WE ARE TRYING TO STOP OUR ENTIRE COUNTRY
FROM BECOMING NEW JERSEY.
I BELIEVE THAT IF WE DO NOT SUCCEED,
JERSEY WILL SPREAD TO JAPAN, RUSSIA, AND EVENTUALLY TO YOU.
I KNOW YOU HAVE SEEN COUNTLESS HORRORS
IN YOUR LIFETIME, MR. BIN LADEN,
AND THAT YOU HAVE WITNESSED THE VERY WORST OF MANKIND.
WELL, NOW I ASK YOU TO WATCH THIS.
- DJ PAULY DELVECCHIO.
- ALL RIGHT, WE'VE GOT A SITUATION.
- I'M THE SWEETEST BITCH YOU'LL EVER MEET.
- [Iaughs]
- AAAAH! SNOOKI WANT SMUSH SMUSH.
- GO, VINNY! GO, VINNY!
- COME ON, YOU GUYS, HURRY!
- CARTMAN, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING AT SIZZLER?
- I TOLD YOU, GUYS. YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT.
IT'S A MIRACLE!
- WHAT KIND OF FUCKING MIRACLE?
- JESUS ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS, YOU GUYS!
IT'S SO COOL.
IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE MEAT LOCKER.
KYLE, GO CHECK IT OUT. - WHY?
- DUDE, GO SEE WHY! IT'S A JESUS MIRACLE!
- YOU JUST WANNA LOCK ME IN THERE
BECAUSE YOU THINK I'M ONE OF THEM.
- NUH-UH. SERIOUSLY. NUH-UH.
- I'M NOT GOING IN ANY MEAT LOCKER SO YOU CAN TRAP ME!
- TRAP YOU? NO, NO, KYLE, IT'S ACTUALLY...LIGHTS!
HA HA! IT'S A TRAP, KYLE!
GET HIM TO THE MEAT LOCKER!
- DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - BACK AWAY, GUYS.
THIS IS FOR THE SAFETY OF ALL OF US!
I'M SORRY, KYLE, BUT YOU CAN'T BE TRUSTED.
- ALL RIGHT. FINE, CARTMAN!
YOU REALLY WANT ME TO GO IN THERE, I'LL--
DUDE, CARTMAN, WHAT IS THAT BEHIND YOU?
- KYLE, DO WE REALLY HAVE TO RESORT TO THAT?
- NO, I'M SERIOUS, WHAT IS THAT BEHIND YOU?
- YOU GINGER JERSEY JEW, YOUR TACTICS DON'T WORK ON ME.
- SNOOKI WANT SMUSH SMUSH!
- DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING BEHIND ME?
- GARRISON, I THINK THE JERSEY PEOPLE ARE ADVANCING.
WHERE'S RANDY?
- HE'S STILL QUESTIONING THAT NEW PRISONER!
- ALL RIGHT, MR. SITUATION, WE'LL TRY THIS AGAIN.
WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING THIS?
- BUT I TOLD YA! IT'S JUST A JERSEY THING!
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. IT'S JUST A JERSEY THING!
[punching]
- STOP PLAYING STUPID!
- MAYBE HE REALLY IS STUPID, RANDY.
- NOBODY'S THIS STUPID!
WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE PLANNING?
- IT'S JUST A JERSEY THING!
YOU KNOW, YOU JUST GOTTA BE FROM JERSEY TO GET IT.
[punching]
- HERE THEY COME!
[clamoring in distance]
- IS IT THEM, RANDY?
- YEP. THEY'RE FROM JERSEY, ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH! - WHOO-HOO!
- LET'S GO! - YEAH!
- LET'S GO CREEPIN' IN THIS TOWN!
- DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY!
DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY!
- THIS IS WHERE WE MAKE OUR STAND!
SOUTH PARK WILL NEVER BE WEST JERSEY!
- YEAH!
- FUCK NEW JERSEY!
[screaming]
[gunfire]
[groaning]
- KEEP SHOOTING! WE'RE SICK OF YOU, JERSEY!
FUCK OFF!
[screaming]
- AAH! AAH! GET IT OFF OF ME!
- SNOOKI WANT SMUSH SMUSH! GET IT OFF OF ME!
- WE GOT TO FIND A WAY PAST IT!
- WHAT DOES IT WANT?
- SOUNDS LIKE IT WANTS SMUSH SMUSH!
- SMUSH SMUSH! SNOOKI WANT SMUSH SMUSH!
- NO! YOU GUYS, IT'S RAPING ME!
IT'S RAPING ME! - JESUS CHRIST!
WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO? - OH, GOD!
[groans]
GET OUT OF HERE!
- WHY?
- AAH! AGGHH!
[moaning]
NO!
[groaning]
[screams]
AAAAAHHH!
AAAH! AAAAH!
AAAAAAAH! AAAAAH!
UHHHHHHHHH!
- DUDE.
- GET OUTTA HERE, YA PIECE A GAHBAGE!
YOU WANNA SMUSH, GO CREEPIN' SOMEWHERES ELSE!
- SNOOKI GET THE SMUSH IN THE--
- YOU'RE GAHBAGE! YOU KNOW THAT?
YOU'RE CABBAGE!
- BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH!
SNOOKI BAH BAH BAH!
- YOU GOT CABBAGE IN YA MUFF!
- [gibberish]
- YOU GOT CABBAGE IN YOUR FUCKING MUFF!
- [gibberish]
[punch]
[whimpering]
[shattering gIass]
- [sniffling]
THANK YOU, KYLE.
[gunshot] - THAT'S THE LAST OF IT!
WE'RE OUT OF AMMO!
- THEN WE'VE GOT TO START FALLING BACK TO UTAH!
- WHAT'S THE POINT? CAN'T YOU SEE IT'S OVER?
[airplane engines]
- WHO IS THAT?
- IT'S AL-QAEDA!
[cheering]
[explosion]
- GIVE 'EM HELL, AL-QAEDA!
[cheering]
- ON A COLD OCTOBER NIGHT,
A SMALL TOWN IN COLORADO STOOD UP TO NEW JERSEY
AND FINALLY SAID, "GO AWAY."
OUR FORTITUDE WAS THE INSPIRATION FOR OTHERS,
AND NOW NEW JERSEY IS SLOWLY RECEDING
BACK TO THE DESOLATE LAND FROM WHENCE IT CAME.
OUR COUNTRY IS GETTING BACK TO NORMAL.
AND WE OWE IT ALL TO OSAMA BIN LADEN.
[cheers and applause]
[kisses]
- WELL, KYLE, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE TOTALLY BACK TO NORMAL.
- YEAH, THE MORE DISTANCE BETWEEN ME
AND THE OTHERS FROM JERSEY, THE BETTER I FEEL.
- YEAH, BUT YOU STILL HAVE IT IN YOU.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE, KYLE.
DEEP DOWN INSIDE, YOU'RE A MONSTER,
BUT YOU'RE MY LITTLE MONSTER.
- I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION, KYLE.
AT SIZZLER, WHEN YOU WERE YELLING, "MUFF CABBAGE."
WHAT'S MUFF CABBAGE?
- IT'S A-- IT'S A JERSEY THING.
- ON THIS DAY, LET US ALL REMEMBER
THAT NO PEOPLE ON THIS EARTH ARE REALLY ENEMIES--
ONLY FOLKS WITH DIFFERENCES.
[gunshot]
- TANGO IS DOWN. TANGO IS DOWN.
- WE GOT HIM!