♪ I'M GOIN' DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪
♪ GONNA HAVE MYSELF A TIME ♪
♪ FRIENDLY FACES EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ HUMBLE FOLKS WITHOUT TEMPTATION ♪
♪ I'M GOIN' DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪
♪ GONNA LEAVE MY WOES BEHIND ♪
♪ AMPLE PARKING DAY OR NIGHT, PEOPLE SPOUTING HOWDY NEIGHBOR ♪
♪ HEADIN' ON UP TO SOUTH PARK, GONNA SEE IF I CAN'T UNWIND ♪
♪ [muffIed] ♪
♪ COME ON DOWN TO SOUTH PARK AND MEET SOME FRIENDS OF MINE ♪
all: 21 ! 22!
23!
24! 25!
26! 27!
- OH, I WISH I COULD EXERCISE
WITH THE REST OF THE TEAM, COACH,
BUT I'VE GOT SUCH A BELLYACHE.
- YOU SEEM TO HAVE A STOMACHACHE
EVERY TIME WE DO DRILLS AND EXERCISES.
- I KNOW. IT SUCKS!
[whistle bIows]
- ALL RIGHT, KIDS, PRACTICE IS OVER FOR TODAY.
- KFC!
- OH, BOY! OH, BOY!
I'M GONNA GET A THREE-PIECE MEAL AND CRISPY STRIPS!
- CARTMAN, YOU ONLY COME TO SOCCER PRACTICE ON FRIDAYS,
AND THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE WE GET TO HAVE
KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN AFTERWARDS!
- SHUT UP, YOU SHIFTY JEW!
I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!
OH, SORRY, SORRY.
I JUST--YOU KNOW, WHEN I'VE BEEN WAITING TOO LONG
FOR THE COLONEL'S CHICKEN, I GET EASILY AGITATED.
YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE, KENNY!
OH, OH. OH, SORRY, SORRY.
OH, HERE WE ARE! HERE WE ARE!
- HEY, IT LOOKS DIFFERENT.
[bell jingles]
- HEY, UH, WHAT'S UP WITH THE KFC?
- OH, IT'S NOT A KFC ANYMORE.
IT'S A MEDICINAL MARIJUANA DISPENSARY.
- A WHAT?
- DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?
- SO WHERE'S THE KFC NOW?
- ALL RIGHT, BOYS, WAIT OUT HERE.
LET ME SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.
[bell jingles]
- CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
- YEAH, UH, WE WERE ACTUALLY LOOKING TO GET SOME KFC.
- OH, YEAH. SORRY, THAT'S GONE.
WE ONLY SELL MARIJUANA HERE.
- REALLY?
I MEAN, YOU'RE OPENLY SELLING POT, FOR REALS?
- SURE. NEW STATE LAWS SAY IT'S OKAY.
- WHOO-HOO! ALL RIGHT!
I LOVE THE FUTURE!
LET'S SEE, UH, I'LL TAKE HALF A POUND OF THAT JAMAICAN PASSION
AND GIVE ME SOME OF THAT PURPLISH STUFF TOO.
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL JUST NEED TO SEE
YOUR PHYSICIAN'S REFERENCE.
- MY, HUH?
- WELL, SIR,
WE CAN'T JUST SELL THE MARIJUANA TO ANYBODY.
YOU NEED A REFERENCE FROM YOUR DOCTOR
TO SHOW IT'S NECESSARY.
- OH, THAT'S DUMB.
OKAY, OKAY, I'LL--I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- WHAT'D THEY SAY?
- KFC'S GONE. BEEN REPLACED.
- THEY CAN'T DO THAT!
THIS IS THE ONLY KFC IN ALL OF SOUTH PARK.
- YEAH, WELL, I GOT TO GET TO THE DOCTOR.
- THE DOCTOR? BUT, DAD, WE WANT TO EAT.
- I GOT TO GET TO THE DOCTOR!
[tires squealing]
- SO NO KFC?
- THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.
THIS IS A NIGHTMARE, AND I CAN'T WAKE UP!
- WELL, MR. MARSH,
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE IN PERFECT HEALTH.
YOUR BLOOD WORK CAME BACK GREAT,
AND ALL YOUR VITALS APPEAR NORMAL.
- ALL RIGHT!
- YEP, YOU CHECK OUT FINE.
- THAT'S GREAT.
SO CAN I GET A REFERRAL FROM YOU?
- FOR WHAT?
- MEDICINAL MARIJUANA.
THERE'S A SHOP THAT OPENED IN THE OLD KFC,
AND THEY SAID I NEEDED A DOCTOR'S REFERRAL TO BUY WEED.
- MR. MARSH, YOU DON'T QUALIFY FOR MEDICINAL MARIJUANA.
- BUT YOU SAID I'M TOTALLY HEALTHY!
- MEDICINAL MARIJUANA IS FOR PEOPLE WHO AREN'T HEALTHY--
AIDS PATIENTS, CANCER PATIENTS,
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE GOING THROUGH CHEMO.
THE THC HELPS THEM EAT AND TAKE THE PAIN.
YOU ARE IN FINE SHAPE.
- WELL, THAT SUCKS.
WELL, SO, DOCTOR, HOW DO MOST PEOPLE GET CANCER?
- WELL, THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS YOU CAN GET CANCER.
- YEAH, BUT WHAT'S THE QUICKEST WAY?
- THE WHAT?
- WELL, LIKE, WHAT FORMS OF CANCER INDUCE
IN TIME FOR THE ZIGGY MARLEY CONCERT NEXT SATURDAY IN DENVER?
- MOM, DRIVE FASTER.
- THE KFC IN SALIDA IS A LONG WAY AWAY, SWEETIE.
BE PATIENT.
- SHUT UP AND DRIVE FASTER!
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR CHICKEN FOR TOO LONG!
- ERIC, WE'RE ALMOST TO FRISCO.
WHY DON'T WE GO TO THE CHURCH'S FRIED CHICKEN THERE?
- WHAT?
CHURCH'S FRIED CHICKEN TASTES LIKE CAT SHIT!
- ALL RIGHT, HONEY, LET'S TAKE IT EASY.
- FUCK YOU!
NO! NO! WHAT'S GOING ON?
MOVE ASIDE!
- IT'S CLOSED, KID. THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE.
- NO, YOU-- YOU CAN'T DO THIS.
THE KFC IN MY TOWN IS CLOSED TOO!
- YEAH, WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE OF THE VOTE LAST NOVEMBER
TO BAN FAST FOOD IN LOW-INCOME AREAS.
- YOU MEAN I HAVE TO DRIVE
ALL THE WAY TO DENVER TO GET CHICKEN?
- NO, YOU DON'T GET IT, KID.
KFCs WERE ONLY IN LOW-INCOME AREAS.
IN THE ENTIRE STATE OF COLORADO,
KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN IS ILLEGAL.
[ominous music]
- NOOOO!
- DAD, MOM SAYS TO STOP TRYING TO GIVE YOURSELF CANCER.
- JUST GONNA GET A LITTLE BIT OF CANCER, STAN.
TELL MOM IT'S OKAY.
- CAN I HELP YOU?
- I NEED--SOMEBODY SAID YOU COULD HELP ME.
I HAVE TO--I HAVEN'T HAD KFC IN ALMOST A WEEK.
[hyperventilating]
- ALL RIGHT, SIGN YOUR NAME ON THE RELEASE FORM.
PUT DOWN THE TIME... - REALLY?
- YOUR BIRTH YEAR, AND WE'LL GET YOU THROUGH THE NEXT 24 HOURS.
- WHAT, ARE YOU SERIOUS?
OH, MY GOD! THAT'S KFC GRAVY!
YOU HAVE KFC! YES!
THIS IS IT?
ONE LOUSY LITTLE CUP OF GRAVY?
- THIS IS A CLINIC TO HELP YOU GET OVER YOUR ADDICTION.
- WHO WANTS JUST GRAVY?
IT GOES ON MASHED POTATOES,
ON EXTRA-CRISPY CHICKEN SKIN!
- IF YOU DON'T WANT IT, THAT'S FINE.
- NO!
[sucking, slurping]
OH, GOD. OH, GOD, IT'S SO GOOD.
- "FROZEN AND PROCESSED FOODS
"APPEAR TO HAVE A DIRECT LINK
TO MANY FORMS OF STOMACH AND COLON CANCERS."
ALL RIGHT.
[buttons beeping]
"TESTS SHOW THAT PRESERVATIVES FOUND IN THESE FOODS
"ARE THE LEADING CAUSE.
"HOWEVER, LUCKILY, MOST OF THESE CANCERS ARE...
SLOW-GROWING AND CAN TAKE YEARS TO DEVELOP."
DAMN IT.
"TESTICULAR CANCER.
"MOST COMMON IN OLDER MEN
AND CAN BE EXTREMELY AGGRESSIVE."
OH, THIS IS GOOD.
"THERE'S NO DATA ON WHAT CAUSES TESTICULAR CANCER
"TO GROW SO RAPIDLY.
"HOWEVER, THE PRIMARY CAUSES OF TESTICULAR CANCER
ARE LINKED TO EXPOSURE TO HIGH DOSES OF RADIATION."
HMM.
OH, HEY, STAN. COULD YOU GRAB ME A BEER?
STAN?
[rooster crowing]
- [snoring]
[grunting]
OHH. AHH.
[gasps]
OHH!
SHARON! HEY, HEY, SHARON!
- WHAT?
AAH!
[monitor beeping]
- MR. MARSH, I'M AFRAID THAT THE TEST CAME BACK POSITIVE.
YOU DO HAVE TESTICULAR CANCER.
- SCORE!
- NOW, THE GOOD NEWS IS IT HASN'T SPREAD ANYWHERE.
WE SHOULD PROBABLY SCHEDULE TO HAVE THEM RE--
- YEAH, YEAH, BUT FOR NOW,
CAN I FINALLY GET MY PRESCRIPTION, PLEASE?
- YOUR PRESCRIPTION FOR WHAT?
- BUFFALO SOLDIER
IN THE HEART OF AMERICA
STOLEN FROM AFRICA
BROUGHT TO AMERICA
SHE WAS FIGHTIN' ON ARRIVAL
[bell jingles]
- ONE OUNCE OF PURPLE LURPLE,
TWO OUNCES OF FISHERMEN'S FRIEND,
AND A HALF OUNCE OF ALABAMA KUSH!
OH, THAT IS NICE.
THAT IS NICE.
- RANDY!
JESUS, RANDY! YOUR BALLS!
- I KNOW!
SMOKING POT RIGHT IN FRONT OF A COP!
PRETTY SWEET, HUH?
- NO, I MEAN YOUR ACTUAL BALLS!
- OH, YEAH, TESTICULAR CANCER.
HERE, HERE, YOU WANT SOME?
OH, WAIT! YOU'RE HEALTHY!
HEY, BUST HIS ASS, OFFICER! [laughs]
- [sighs]
- HEY, KID.
THEY SAY YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOME KFC.
- YEAH, WHO ISN'T?
- YEAH, WELL, UH, WE GOT SOME...
OVER AT BILLY MILLER'S HOUSE.
- BILLY MILLER? SERIOUSLY?
- AH, ERIC CARTMAN, RIGHT?
- TOMMY SAID YOU HAVE SOME KFC.
- SURE.
[snaps fingers] JESSIE.
- OH, MY GOD!
COLONEL'S POPCORN CHICKEN AND HONEY MUSTARD SAUCE!
OH, GOD, YES!
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT? - I HAVE MY SOURCES.
THAT'LL BE $85.
- 85 BUCKS? I DON'T HAVE THAT!
[ominous music]
- HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
YOU'RE A BIG BOY, ERIC.
MAYBE YOU CAN PAY ME BACK ANOTHER WAY,
DO A LITTLE JOB FOR ME.
I'VE GOT SOME SERIOUS KFC COMING IN FROM A DEALER.
I NEED SOMEBODY WILLING TO GET A LITTLE RISKY
AND PICK IT UP.
- HOW MUCH KFC ARE WE TALKING?
- TWO BUCKETS PLUS A THREE-PIECE MEAL
AND FOUR SIDES.
- HOLY FUCK, DUDE.
- I'VE GOT THE MONEY TO PAY FOR IT,
BUT IT'S BECOME A RISKY BUSINESS OUT THERE.
YOU GET THE CHICKEN FOR ME,
AND I'LL MAKE SURE YOU ARE HOOKED UP FOR LIFE.
DO YOU WANT TO DO IT?
- DO I WANT TO DO IT?
DOES THE POPE HELP PEDOPHILES GET AWAY WITH THEIR CRIMES?
- EXCELLENT.
- [coughing]
ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU TOMORROW.
[grunts]
[gasps] OH, GOD, I GOT TO HURRY!
CAPRICA STARTS IN FIVE MINUTES!
OH!
OH, JESUS!
OH, OH.
OH, HEY, COULD SOMEBODY...?
[grunts]
UGH, I GOT TO GET HOME.
[grunting]
HEY. HEY.
HEY, THIS CAN WORK.
THIS CAN--
HEY, IT'S LIKE A HOPPITY HOP!
[laughs tentativeIy]
[laughing wiIdly]
- ARE YOU T-BAG?
- MAYBE I AM. WHO'S ASKING?
- CUT THE CRAP. YOU GOT THE STUFF?
- OH, I GOT THE HOOKUP.
QUESTION IS, YOU GOT THE MONEY?
ALL RIGHT. WE IN BIZ.
IT'S ALL THERE, MAN. - EXTRA-CRISPY, RIGHT?
- OF COURSE, MAN. I AIN'T NO FOOL.
- YOU TRYING TO FUCK ME, DUDE?
THIS IS CUT WITH BOSTON MARKET GRAVY!
- AW, IT'S ALL THE SAME SHIT, MAN.
- IT IS NOT THE SAME SHIT!
- OKAY, OKAY! I'M SORRY, YO!
- YOU'RE CUTTING COLONEL'S GRAVY WITH BOSTON MARKET
TO TRY AND SAVE YOURSELF SOME FUCKING MONEY!
- I'LL TAKE BACK THE GRAVY.
[gun cocks]
- LIKE ANYBODY WANTS KFC WITHOUT GRAVY!
- AAH! PLEASE! PLEASE, I'M SORRY!
TAKE YOUR MONEY BACK! TAKE THE KFC TOO!
- WHAT'S GOING ON BACK THERE?
- NOTHING. IT'S COOL.
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL CALL.
45 TO YOU, NED.
- [coughing] OH, MAN!
THIS RAINY DAY WOMAN IS THE BOMB.
YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MISSING.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU COULD SHARE
SOME OF THAT WITH US, RANDY.
- NO, NELSON, THAT'S ILLEGAL.
I CAN SMOKE THIS BECAUSE I HAVE CANCER.
- AW, COME ON, JUST GIVE US A LITTLE BIT!
- YEAH.
- GET YOUR OWN MEDICINAL MARIJUANA CARDS!
YOU'VE ALL GOT PERFECTLY GOOD MICROWAVES AT HOME.
LOOK, I'M TELLING YOU GUYS, IT'S AWESOME.
I CAN HAVE ALL THE POT I WANT.
I GET AROUND FASTER THAN WALKING,
AND WHEREVER I NEED A SEAT, I CAN JUST SIT ON MY BALLS.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE.
CHICKS LOVE THEM.
- WOMEN LOVE HUGE BALLS?
-LOVE THEM.
EVERYWHERE I GO, WHEN I WALK BY,
CHICKS ARE, LIKE, TURNING THEIR HEADS
AND GOING, "WHAAA?"
I NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH WOMEN LOVED GUYS' BALLS
UNTIL I GOT THESE PUPPIES.
- TRAVIS, DID YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBA--WHAAA?
- SEE?
- CARTMAN, MY BOY! YOU GOT THE STUFF!
- YEAH, I GOT THE STUFF.
AND I GOT THE MONEY.
- HEY, YOU'RE GOOD, ERIC. I NEED PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
- GOOD, 'CAUSE I ATE A BUNCH OF CHICKEN
ON THE WAY OVER HERE. [burps]
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, ERIC.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING BIG IN THE WORKS.
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT I NOW HAVE A DIRECT LINE
TO GET ALL THE KFC WE WANT HERE?
I'M SENDING TOMMY TO KENTUCKY
TO TRY AND SET UP A LITTLE ARRANGEMENT
WITH THE COLONEL HIMSELF.
- WAIT A MINUTE. YOU MEAN THE COLONEL?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
AND I'D LIKE YOU TO GO AS WELL
AND WATCH TOMMY'S BACK FOR ME.
IS THAT SOMETHING YOU'D WANT TO DO?
- IS THAT SOMETHING I'D WANT TO DO?
IS THE POPE CATHOLIC...
AND MAKING THE WORLD SAFE FOR PEDOPHILES?
- EXCELLENT.
- DOCTOR, MR. KLINE'S TEST RESULTS CAME IN.
- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
- DOCTOR?
- THIS IS THE TENTH CASE I'VE SEEN THIS WEEK.
IT CAN'T BE A COINCIDENCE.
SOMETHING IN THIS TOWN
IS GIVING MEN TESTICULAR CANCER.
[whimsicaI music]
- HEH! MAN, I AM STONED OFF MY ASS!
- I'M STONED OFF MY BALLS!
- [Iaughing]
- ANYBODY GOT MORE OF THAT LOOMPA LOOMPA WEED?
- WOW. THOSE GUYS HAVE NICE BALLS.
- WISH MY MAN HAD BALLS LIKE THOSE.
- MMM!
[traditionaI South American music]
- OUR ENTIRE PRODUCTION IS HEADQUARTERED HERE, BOYS.
WE MOVE OVER 16 TONS OF CHICKEN EVERY MONTH.
OF COURSE, WITH THE NEW LAWS IN COLORADO,
MY BUSINESS HAS TAKEN QUITE A HIT.
I'M WORRIED OTHER STATES MIGHT FOLLOW SUIT.
- WE KNOW, COLONEL.
BUT WE CAN GET YOUR CHICKEN INTO THE STATE.
WE JUST NEED A BULK DEAL-- SAY, $4.95 A KEY?
- I'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU, COLONEL.
YOU HAVE EVERYTHING A MAN COULD WANT.
- I LIKE YOU, ERIC.
THERE'S NO LYING IN YOU.
UNFORTUNATELY, I DON'T FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOUR FRIEND.
- WHO? YOU MEAN TOMMY?
WAIT. WHERE'D HE GO?
- YOUR PARTNER IS AN INFORMANT FOR JAMIE OLIVER.
- [Iaughing] DUDE, THAT WAS SWEET!
HE'S ALL CHOKED!
- SO HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT A LIAR TOO?
- HEY, COLONEL,
I'VE BEEN YOUR BIGGEST SUPPORTER SINCE I WAS TWO YEARS OLD.
I LOVE YOUR CHICKEN. I LOVE YOU.
- I THINK YOU AND ME CAN WORK THIS THING OUT, ERIC,
DO BUSINESS TOGETHER A LONG TIME.
- GOOD.
- JUST REMEMBER, I ONLY TELL YOU ONE TIME.
DON'T FUCK ME, ERIC.
DON'T YOU EVER TRY TO FUCK ME.
[suspenseful music]
- RANDY!
RANDY, WILL YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF?
YOUR BALLS ARE GETTING BIGGER!
- I KNOW. THEY'RE PRETTY SWOLLEN.
KIND OF HURTS. I'M GONNA GO BUY SOME MORE WEED.
- RANDY, PLEASE!
WHEN YOU GET BACK...
DO YOU THINK MAYBE WE COULD MAKE LOVE AGAIN?
- OH, SOMEONE'S FEELING FRISKY AGAIN, HUH?
- OH, IT'S JUST THAT I THOUGHT SOME MORE ALONE TIME
COULD MAYBE BE REALLY-- - HEY, MY EYES ARE UP HERE.
- I'M SORRY. I JUST-- - IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I JUST WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME WHEN WE MAKE LOVE
AND NOT JUST AT MY BALLS.
I'LL BE HOME SOON, BABE. [smooches]
[whimsicaI music]
[music stops]
[grunting]
HEY, UH, COULD YOU, UH, GET ME HALF A POUND
OF THAT SUBURBAN SUNRISE, PLEASE?
- I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT YOU HAVE TO BE INSIDE THE STORE.
- WELL, UH, I'M RIGHT HERE.
CAN YOU JUST BRING IT OVER?
- SELLING MEDICINAL MARIJUANA
OUTSIDE THE CONFINES OF AN APPROVED SHOP
IS STILL ILLEGAL.
- UGH.
[grunting]
GET THIS-- GET THIS BALL HERE.
[grunting Iouder]
LOOK, I'M STARTING TO FEEL KIND OF STUPID.
CAN I PLEASE GET HIGH?
- WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY, ERIC?
MAKING A DEAL WITH THE COLONEL FOR 10,000 MORE BOXES?
I CAN'T MOVE THAT MUCH CHICKEN!
- WILL YOU RELAX, BILLY? IT'S FINE.
- FINE? I'M NOT MAKING ANY MONEY HERE.
I'M LOSING IT!
I HAVE TO PAY FOR MORE SECURITY.
I GOT THE COPS UP MY ASS!
AND I HAVE TO PAY FOR ALL THESE SORTERS
TO CUT THE CHICKEN FOR DISTRIBUTION!
- BILLY, BILLY, WE'VE GOT TO BE THINKING BIGGER HERE.
IT'S TIME TO EXPAND.
- HOW CAN I EXPAND WHEN 36% OF OUR PRODUCT
IS GOING TO YOU?
- GET OUT THERE AND SELL THE CHICKEN OR GET LOST!
YOU'VE FORGOTTEN WHO THE BOSS OF THIS OPERATION IS, ERIC!
- YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE AROUND A LOT LONGER.
- WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
- I TOLD YOUR MOM
YOU GOT AN "F" ON THAT SOCIAL STUDIES TEST.
- YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.
- DOES A BEAR CRAP IN THE WOODS?
AND DOES THE POPE CRAP ON THE BROKEN LIVES AND DREAMS
OF 200 DEAF BOYS?
- BILLY!
YOUR FATHER AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU!
- BYE-BYE, BILLY.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, LISTEN UP.
I'M IN CHARGE NOW.
ANYBODY GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
ALL RIGHT, GOOD.
- WHAT DO WE WANT? all: BIGGER DOORS!
- WHERE DO WE WANT THEM? all: WEED STORES!
- WHAT DO WE WANT? all: BIGGER DOORS!
- WHERE DO WE WANT THEM? all: WEED STORES!
- LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT THE BILL SAYS
I CAN'T MODIFY ANY EXISTING STRUCTURE.
- WELL, I GUESS WE COULD CHANGE THE LAW
TO ALLOW FOR MEDICINAL MARIJUANA
TO BE SOLD JUST OUTSIDE THE DOOR OF THE SHOP.
- I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THE RULE SHOULD BE SOMEBODY CAN BUY
THE MEDICINAL WEED FOR OTHERS.
- LOOK, CAN'T WE SKIP ALL THIS AND JUST MAKE POT LEGAL?
EVERYONE IS JUST ABUSING THIS MEDICINAL SYSTEM ANYWAY.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
- WHAT'S RIDICULOUS ABOUT IT?
- HOLD ON, HOLD ON, PEOPLE, PLEASE!
WE ARE ALL FORGETTING WHAT IS REALLY AT ISSUE HERE.
LOOK AROUND. THESE MEN ALL HAVE CANCER.
IT'S NO COINCIDENCE THAT WHEN THIS BUILDING CHANGED,
THE RISE IN CANCER WENT UP.
DON'T YOU SEE?
THE KFC WAS KEEPING PEOPLE HEALTHY!
[lips smacking]
- MR. CARTMAN, COME ON.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HANDLING THE BUSINESS.
YOU'RE EATING TOO MUCH OF THE STUFF.
- SHUT UP, KEVIN.
I'M THE BOSS, NOT YOU, BUTT-LICKER.
- ERIC, THE COLONEL IS ON THE PHONE FOR YOU.
HE SOUNDS PISSED.
- WHAT? OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I FORGOT THE--DAMN IT! OKAY.
PUT HIM ON SPEAKER.
- HELLO? HELLO?
- COLONEL, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- OH, WE HAD SOME PROBLEMS, YOU KNOW, COLONEL.
- ERIC, WHAT HAPPENED?
- WE HAD A LITTLE PROBLEM.
- I HEARD.
- YEAH, HOW'D YOU HEAR THAT?
- BECAUSE JAMIE OLIVER GAVE HIS SPEECH AT THE U.N. TODAY.
HE WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE THAT SPEECH, ERIC.
- YEAH, IT'S OKAY. WE'LL GET HIM NEXT TIME.
- THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE A NEXT TIME,
YOU FUCKING DUMB COCKSUCKER.
- HEY, TAKE IT EASY, COLONEL.
- I TOLD YOU A LONG TIME AGO, YOU FUCKING LITTLE MONKEY,
NOT TO FUCK ME.
- HEY! HEY, WHO THE FUCK
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO, HUH? HUH?
OH, CRAP! [boys screaming]
[sirens wailing]
- FREEZE! - IT'S THE COPS!
- RUN, BILLY, RUN! AAH!
- MOMMY, NO!
- LAST NOVEMBER,
THIS TOWN PASSED A BILL THAT SEEMED SILLY TO SOME.
SINCE THEN, WE'VE HAD UNDERGROUND BLACK MARKETS,
CRIME, DEATH, AND SHOOTINGS.
BUT NOW THE BILL HAS BEEN REPEALED,
AND I AM RELIEVED TO ANNOUNCE
THAT ONCE AGAIN MARIJUANA IS ILLEGAL!
[crowd cheering]
- AND ANOTHER BILL HAS BEEN REPEALED AS WELL,
'CAUSE EVER SINCE WE GOT RID OF KFC,
WE'VE SEEN A GREAT RISE IN CANCER.
BUT TODAY WE WELCOME BACK KFC
AND ALL THE MEDICAL BENEFITS IT GIVES US.
[crowd cheering]
- WELL, I GOT TO ADMIT.
IT'S A LOT EASIER TO GET INSIDE DOORS
WITH MY LITTLE PROSTHETIC BALLS.
- YEAH, GREAT.
- OH, SHARON, DON'T BE UPSET.
THE DOCTOR MADE YOU A SOUVENIR.
- OH, RANDY, I LOVE IT!
- AND WHEN IT GETS COLD, IT SHRINKS.
- SHARON, YOU GOT A SCROTUM COAT?
- YEP.
- LUCKY!