♪ I'M GOIN' DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪
♪ GONNA HAVE MYSELF A TIME ♪
♪ FRIENDLY FACES EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ HUMBLE FOLKS WITHOUT TEMPTATION ♪
♪ I'M GOIN' DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪
♪ GONNA LEAVE MY WOES BEHIND ♪
♪ AMPLE PARKING DAY OR NIGHT, PEOPLE SPOUTING HOWDY NEIGHBOR ♪
♪ HEADIN' ON UP TO SOUTH PARK, GONNA SEE IF I CAN'T UNWIND ♪
♪ [muffled] ♪
♪ COME ON DOWN TO SOUTH PARK AND MEET SOME FRIENDS OF MINE ♪
[school bell rings]
- OKAY, KIDS. LET'S TAKE OUR SEATS.
THERE HAS BEEN A CHANGE IN SCHOOL POLICY,
AND SO I AM ASSIGNING YOU ALL A BOOK TO READ.
- AW, A BOOK?
GOD, I HATE THOSE.
- NOW, KIDS, THIS BOOK IS VERY CONTROVERSIAL
AND HAS JUST BEEN TAKEN OFF THE BANNED BOOKS LIST.
- OH, REALLY? SWEET.
- IT'S CALLED CATCHER IN THE RYE,
AND IT HAS SOME VERY RISQUE PARTS...
- ALL RIGHT!
- AND STRONG, VULGAR LANGUAGE.
- [muffIed]
- AND IN FACT, MANY SCHOOLS
ACROSS THE COUNTRY STILL BAN THIS BOOK
BECAUSE IT'S THOUGHT TO BE SO INAPPROPRIATE.
- OH, MAN, I CAN'T WAIT!
- TONIGHT I WANT YOU TO READ CHAPTERS ONE THROUGH FIVE,
AND TOMORROW WE WILL DISCUSS THE--
- NO, NO, COME ON, LET'S READ IT NOW!
- MR. GARRISON, DIDN'T THE GUY WHO SHOT JOHN LENNON
SAY IT WAS BECAUSE OF THIS BOOK?
- YES, APPARENTLY JOHN LENNON'S KILLER
SAID HE WAS INSPIRED BY CATCHER IN THE RYE.
BUT HE WAS JUST A KOOK.
- WHOA, YOU'RE TELLING US
THIS BOOK IS FILTHY, INAPPROPRIATE,
AND MADE A GUY SHOOT THE KING OF HIPPIES?
CAN WE PLEASE READ THIS RIGHT NOW?
- YOU WILL READ IT AT HOME,
AND YOU WILL ALL BE MATURE
ABOUT ITS ADULT THEMES AND LANGUAGE.
all: AWW!
- DID YOU GET TO ANY DIRTY PARTS YET?
- NO. IT'S STILL JUST SOME WHINY, ANNOYING TEENAGER
TALKING ABOUT HOW LAME HE IS.
- I DON'T GET IT, DUDE.
WHAT'S SO CONTROVERSIAL ABOUT THIS?
ALL HE'S DONE IS SAID "SHIT" AND "FUCK" A FEW TIMES.
- I KNOW. I'M ALMOST AT THE END, AND THERE'S NOTHING.
- MOTHERFUCKER!
THE WHOLE THING--
I READ THE WHOLE FUCKING THING!
I KEPT THINKING, "ALL RIGHT,
I GUESS THE COOL, OFFENSIVE STUFF MUST BE COMING."
AND THEN AFTER, LIKE, A HUNDRED PAGES,
I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
I GUESS ALL THE DIRTY STUFF IS AT THE END."
AND THEN I GOT TO THE LAST PAGE,
AND I WAS ALL, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?"
I JUST READ A BOOK FOR NOTHING!
- WHY THE HELL WAS THIS BOOK BANNED?
- THEY FUCKING TRICKED US, THAT'S WHAT THEY DID.
TRICKED US INTO READING A BOOK
BY ENTICING US WITH PROMISES OF VULGARITY.
- [muffIed]
- WE KNOW. WE WERE JUST SAYING THAT.
- WHY WOULD ANYBODY THINK THIS BOOK IS OBSCENE OR DANGEROUS?
- KILL JOHN LENNON.
KILL JOHN LENNON.
KILL JOHN LENNON!
HEY, DAD, WHERE DOES JOHN LENNON LIVE?
- JOHN LENNON'S DEAD, BUTTERS.
- AW, DANG IT.
- DUDE, SOME PEOPLE REALLY DO CONSIDER THIS OBSCENE.
- IT'S NOT OBSCENE, DUDE.
I'LL SHOW THEM FUCKING OBSCENE.
- HEY, YEAH, WE SHOULD WRITE OUR OWN BANNED BOOK.
- YEAH, WE COULD GET A BOOK BANNED WAY MORE THAN THIS ONE.
- YEAH, SWEET. - [muffIed]
-THE TALE OF...
-THE TALE OF SCROTIE MCDICKENASS.
- [Iaughs] [muffled]
- OH, THAT--YEAH, THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, "CHAPTER ONE"...
- "IT WAS A-- A WARM SPRING MORNING"...
[light acoustic guitar music]
-"THE TALE OF SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS"?
"IT WAS A WARM SUMMER MORNING
WHEN SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS AWOKE TO FIND HIS"...
EW.
"HE TOOK A"...
WHAT?
OHH!
UGH!
OH, MY GOD!
"HE THEN GRABBED HIS DOG'S"...
[gags] OH!
[vomiting]
[coughs] OH! OH, MY GOD!
"WALKING OUT OF HIS HOUSE,
HE SPOTTED A BLOODY AND PUS COVERED"...
[gagging]
NO! NO!
[heaving]
NO! NO!
RANDY?
RANDY!
RANDY, YOU NEED TO READ THIS.
- READ WHAT? - THIS BOOK!
OUR SON AND HIS FRIENDS WROTE IT!
- SO? - SO?
RANDY, IT'S--IT'S--
IT'S REALLY GOOD.
- HUH? - I MEAN, IT'S DISGUSTING.
IT'S--IT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I'VE EVER READ,
BUT THE PLOT IS AMAZING,
AND THE CHARACTERS ARE SO VIVID.
- "IT WAS A WARM SUMMER MORNING
WHEN SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS AWOKE TO FIND HIS"--
EW! SHARON, GROSS!
- NO, NO, JUST KEEP READING!
- "HE TOOK A--AND THEN"...
OH, MA--OH!
THIS--
[vomiting]
- I KNOW, I KNOW. RANDY, BUT TRUST ME.
YOU GOT TO PUSH THROUGH TO THE END.
- NO, NO. THAT'S JUST WRONG!
- RANDY, PLEASE! YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO ME!
- "WALKING OUT OF THE HOUSE,
HE FOUND A BLOODY, PUS"-- WHAT?
"WHICH HE IMMEDIATELY STUCK UP HIS INFECTED"--
[gags]
[groaning]
"THAT WAS ALL LONG AGO,
"IN SOME BRIEF, LOST SPRING IN A PLACE THAT IS NO MORE.
"IN THAT HOUR, THE VAJ FROGS BEGIN,
AND THE SCENT OFF SCROTIE'S INFECTED ANUS COMES STRONGEST."
UGH!
OH, MAN.
- WELL?
- IT'S--IT'S AWESOME.
SHARON, IT'S--IT'S THE BEST BOOK I'VE EVER READ.
- RIGHT? IT'S NOT JUST ME!
- NO, IT'S--I MEAN, THE WHOLE PART ABOUT AMSTERDAM, WOW.
- WHAT DO WE DO, RANDY?
WE CAN'T SUPPORT OUR SON TALKING LIKE THIS, BUT I-I MEAN...
- NO, I-I KNOW.
PEOPLE NEED TO READ THIS BOOK, SHARON.
THIS IS--THIS IS PULITZER PRIZE STUFF.
- OH, HO! YOU'RE DEAD, KENNY!
- VENGEANCE!
- GUYS, GUYS!
WE ARE TOTALLY FUCKED!
THE BOOK IS GONE FROM MY DRESSER DRAWER!
MY PARENTS MUST HAVE FOUND IT!
- WHAT?
- SO WHY ARE WE ALL FUCKED? THEY'LL THINK YOU WROTE IT ALL.
- HEY, HEY, I'M NOT TAKING THE HEAT FOR THIS ALONE.
WE ALL WROTE IT.
IF I'M GOING DOWN, SOMEBODY HAS TO GO DOWN WITH ME.
- WELL, IF I'M GOING DOWN, CARTMAN'S GOING DOWN.
- AND IF I'M GOING DOWN, BOTH KYLE AND KENNY
ARE DEFINITELY GOING DOWN.
- WELL, DUDE, SOMEBODY HAS GOT TO GO DOWN!
- BUTTERS, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? - OH, HEY, FELLAS!
I'M JUST WATCHING THE KARDASHIANS.
- TODAY MY SISTERS AND I ARE GONNA HAVE TO WASH SOMETHING.
IT'S GONNA BLOW!
- KIM KARDASHIAN IS SO SEXY.
HER BUTT IS LIKE A BIG MOUNTAIN OF PUDDING.
- BUTTERS, LISTEN, YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.
- I AM?
- YEAH, YOU REMEMBER THAT BOOK YOU WROTE.
STAN'S MOM FOUND IT.
- OH, NO. WHICH BOOK WAS THAT?
- DUDE, THE BOOK YOU LEFT WITH US
WHEN YOU WERE SLEEPWALKING LAST NIGHT.
- I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER THAT.
[gasps] BUT IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
EVER SINCE I READ CATCHER IN THE RYE,
I'VE BEEN HAVING THESE BLACKOUTS--
CRAZY THOUGHTS OF WANTING TO KILL THE PHONIES.
I MUST HAVE CHANNELED ALL MY ANGST
INTO DARK WRITINGS IN MY SLEEP.
- ALL RIGHT, BOYS, WE NEED TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.
WE'VE ALL READ THE BOOK NOW,
AND IT IS VERY SHOCKING, TO SAY THE LEAST.
- OKAY, WELL, ACTUALLY, IT WAS ALL WRITTEN BY BUTTERS.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- BUTTERS? IS THAT TRUE?
- YEAH, I BARELY EVEN REMEMBER IT, BUT I KNOW I DID--
- WELL, BUTTERS, WE THINK
THAT THIS IS ONE OF THE OF THE BEST BOOKS WE'VE EVER READ.
- HUH? - WHAT?
- YEAH, REALLY AMAZING.
- OH, THANKS.
- WE WERE ACTUALLY SO MOVED BY YOUR BOOK, BUTTERS,
THAT WE BROUGHT MR. NEEDLEBAUM
FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING TO READ IT.
- MR. BUTTERS, WE WOULD LIKE TO OFFER YOU A DEAL
FOR FIRST PUBLISHING RIGHTS TO YOUR BRILLIANT NOVEL.
- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S OURS!
- YEAH, WE WROTE THAT!
- OKAY, BOYS, YOU ALREADY TOLD THE TRUTH.
- NO, NO, WE--WE REALLY DID WRITE IT.
TELL THEM, BUTTERS.
- I WROTE THAT.
[parents chattering excitedly]
- WHAT? HEY!
- IT IS BEING CALLED THE MOST DISGUSTING,
FOUL, SICKENING BOOK EVER WRITTEN,
AND IT IS ALSO BEING CALLED LITERARY GENIUS.
THE TALE OF SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
HIT THE SHELVES THIS WEEKEND,
AND SO FAR, NO ONE HAS BEEN ABLE TO GET
THROUGH THE FIRST PARAGRAPH WITHOUT VOMITING.
THE BOOK HAS ALREADY SOLD MILLIONS OF COPIES WORLDWIDE
AND HAS BEEN TRANSLATED INTO 26 LANGUAGES.
- [reading in native language]
SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS...
[all vomiting]
- [continues reading in native language]
[all vomiting]
- [grunts]
[continues reading in native language]
SARAH JESSICA PARKER...
[all vomiting]
- THE BOOK IS CHANGING THE LITERARY WORLD,
AND IT IS ALL THANKS TO LEOPOLD "BUTTERS" STOTCH.
[school bell rings]
[chiIdren chattering]
- HEY, HERE HE COMES.
- AMAZING BOOK, BUTTERS.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU CHANGED MY LIFE, YOUNG MAN.
- THAT'S NICE.
- BUTTERS, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
- JUST ENJOYING MYSELF. WHY, ERIC?
- BUTTERS, YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL YOU DIDN'T WRITE THAT BOOK.
- BUT YOU TOLD ME I DID.
- YEAH, BUT THAT'S WHEN WE THOUGHT
WE WERE GONNA GET IN TROUBLE, ASSHOLE!
- HEY, HEY, YOU GUYS LEAVE BUTTERS ALONE.
HE'S A VERY FRAGILE ARTIST.
- HE'S SO BROODING AND FULL OF ANGST.
- YEAH, I'M BROODING.
- BUTTERS DOESN'T DESERVE ANY CREDIT
FOR SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS.
WE DESERVE ALL THE CREDIT.
- OH, GOD, YOU GUYS ARE PATHETIC.
- YEAH, GET A LIFE
AND STOP MOOCHING OFF OTHERS' SUCCESS FOR ONCE.
- GOD DAMN IT!
- BUTTERS, DO YOU REALLY THINK IT'S FAIR
TO LIE LIKE THIS?
LET ME TELL YOU, IF YOU DON'T--
- NO, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, FELLAS!
YOU ALWAYS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME,
AND AFTER READING CATCHER IN THE RYE,
I'VE LEARNED YOU'RE NOTHING BUT PHONIES.
I'M NOT LETTING YOU TRICK ME THIS TIME.
SO THE FOUR OF YOU CAN JUST SUCK ON MY WIENER!
- THAT INCONSIDERATE JERK.
- TODAY ON TODAY...
WE MEET THE AUTHOR OF THE BOOK THAT HAS SWEPT THE NATION
AND HAS NOW SPAWNED TV'S MOST POPULAR GAME SHOW!
[timer beeping]
THE BOOK IS FULL OF DISGUSTING WORDS AND ACTS,
INCLUDING SARAH JESSICA PARKER,
WHO IS MENTIONED 465 TIMES.
MATTHEW BRODERICK, ARE YOU UPSET
YOUR WIFE IS MADE FUN OF SO MUCH IN THE BOOK?
- WELL, OBVIOUSLY, I JUST THINK IT'S WRONG
TO MAKE FUN OF ANYBODY'S PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.
MY WIFE IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,
AND I KNOW THAT MOST PEOPLE AGREE WITH ME.
- UH-HUH. AND, MATTHEW, HOW COME A TRANSVESTITE DONKEY WITCH
IS STANDING NEXT TO YOU, AND WHY IS IT WEARING A DRESS?
- JOINING US NOW IS THE AUTHOR OF THE BOOK, LEOPOLD STOTCH,
ALONG WITH HIS PARENTS.
- HELLO, MATT. - HI, EVERYONE.
- YOU MUST BE PRETTY PROUD OF YOUR SON.
- OH, WE CERTAINLY ARE.
WE'RE THRILLED TO LEARN HE IS SO VERY TALENTED.
- AND WE ALSO UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR SON IS GROUNDED.
IS THAT CORRECT?
- YES, WE DID HAVE TO GROUND HIM
FOR THE LANGUAGE IN THE NOVEL, OF COURSE.
- I HAVE TO COME RIGHT TO MY ROOM AFTER SCHOOL.
- BUT WE ARE VERY, VERY PROUD NONETHELESS.
- YOUNG MAN, NOW THAT YOU'RE A RESPECTED AUTHOR,
HAVE YOU MET ANY FAMOUS PEOPLE?
- NOT YET, BUT AS SOON AS I'M NOT GROUNDED ANYMORE,
I'M HOPING TO MEET KIM KARDASHIAN.
I WANT TO JUMP ON HER BELLY.
- ALL RIGHT, UH, BUTTERS, MY FAVORITE PART OF YOUR NOVEL
WAS WHEN SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
SLID HIS HEAD UP INTO THE HORSE'S--
[vomiting violently]
[belches]
[spitting]
[heaves, spits]
SORRY.
WAS THAT CHAPTER A SLAM ON HEALTH CARE REFORM
AS PEOPLE HAVE SUGGESTED?
- UH, YEAH, PRETTY MUCH.
I-I THINK--THINK SO.
- IS THAT WHY THE DOCTOR CHARACTER
PULLS OUT ALL THE STRING--
[vomiting violently]
[spitting]
- LITTLE BOY, ARE YOU EVER WORRIED
SOMEBODY MIGHT TAKE YOUR BOOK WRONG AND TRY TO KILL SOMEONE
LIKE WHEN THAT GUY TRIED TO SHOOT RONALD REAGAN
AFTER READING CATCHER IN THE RYE?
- OH, IS THAT WHO THE BOOK WAS TELLING ME TO KILL?
OH.
KILL RONALD REAGAN. KILL RONALD REAGAN!
- RONALD REAGAN IS DEAD NOW, BUTTERS.
- OH, REALLY?
AH, GOSH DANG IT.
- MORE AND MORE OF US ARE AGAINST THIS BOOK EVERY DAY.
THE AUTHOR IS CRUEL AND OFFENSIVE.
AND FOR THESE REASONS, WE DEMAND THIS BOOK BE BANNED
FROM ALL SCHOOLS, STORES, AND LIBRARIES.
THIS BOOK IS NOTHING BUT SMUT AND VULGARITY
PURELY FOR THE SAKE OF SMUT AND VULGARITY.
- THAT'S JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO YOUNG
TO UNDERSTAND THE UNDERLYING THEMES.
- THERE ARE NO UNDERLYING THEMES!
WE KNOW THAT FOR A FACT!
- YOU JUST FAILED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE AUTHOR MEANT.
- THE AUTHOR MEANT TO BE AS GROSS AS POSSIBLE
BECAUSE IT WAS FUNNY.
- NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S SUCH A SIMPLISTIC VIEW.
- GOD DAMN IT, THERE IS NO DEEPER MEANING IN THIS BOOK.
READ IT AGAIN!
- OH, SO YOU'RE SUGGESTING
THAT THE AUTHOR JUST ARBITRARILY MADE FUN
OF SARAH JESSICA PARKER FOR NO REASON.
- YES!
- BUT WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT?
- THERE'S IS NO POINT!
IT'S JUST BECAUSE SARAH JESSICA PARKER
IS FUCKING UGLY!
- NO WRITER WOULD TAKE THE TIME
TO MAKE FUN OF SARAH JESSICA PARKER
JUST BECAUSE THEY THINK SHE'S UGLY.
boys: YES, THEY WOULD!
- IT IS BECAUSE MS. JESSICA PARKER
IS A METAPHOR IN THE BOOK
FOR OPPRESSION FELT BY THE LOWER CLASS.
- WHAT?
DUDE, THAT IS NOT IN THE BOOK AT ALL!
- BOYS, THIS BOOK IS AN IMPORTANT LOOK
AT HOW LIBERALS ARE HURTING THIS COUNTRY, AND WE--
- WHAT? SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
IS THE MOST CONSERVATIVE-HATING LIBERAL IN LITERATURE!
- WHAT BOOK DID YOU READ?
- THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT LIBERALS OR CONSERVATIVES!
- OH, YEAH, THEN WHY DOES
SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S BUTT CHEESE
END UP IN SCROTIE'S MILKSHAKE?
- [vomiting]
- BREAKING NEWS FROM ACCLAIMED AUTHOR LEOPOLD STOTCH.
THE ARTIST HAS ANNOUNCED
THAT HE IS WORKING ON A SECOND NOVEL,
AS A FOLLOW-UP TO HIS WILDLY SUCCESSFUL BEST SELLER.
WE GOT A STATEMENT FROM THE WRITER,
WHO IS STILL GROUNDED IN HIS ROOM.
CAN YOU GIVE THE PUBLIC ANY IDEA WHAT THE NEW BOOK IS ABOUT?
- WELL, IT'S KIND OF ABOUT LOVE AND BETRAYAL,
THE INNER WORKINGS OF THE HUMAN MIND!
- WILL IT BE AS SICK AND DISGUSTING AS YOUR FIRST BOOK?
- OH, IT'S RAUNCHY, ALL RIGHT!
I KNOW WHAT MY READERS WANT, AND I'M GOING TO DELIVER!
- BUTTERS, AWAY FROM THE WINDOW!
YOU ARE BEING GROUNDED!
- SORRY, DAD, I WAS JUST BEING THE VOICE OF A GENERATION.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY WON'T BAN OUR BOOK.
- I KNOW.
IT'S SO MUCH WORSE THAN "CATCHER IN THE RETARDED RYE"!
- [muffIed]
- ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, I KNOW WHAT WE HAVE TO DO.
WE'VE GOT TO KILL SARAH JESSICA PARKER.
- WHAT? - THINK ABOUT IT, GUYS.
IF SOMEBODY KILLS SARAH JESSICA PARKER,
THEN THEY'LL ASSUME THAT SOMEBODY DID IT
BECAUSE OF WHAT WAS IN THE BOOK.
THEN THE BOOK WILL GET BANNED.
- DUDE, WE'RE NOT KILLING SARAH JESSICA PARKER!
- SHH.
BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
WE DON'T HAVE TO KILL HER.
WE CAN JUST HELP HER GET KILLED.
- SHUT UP, CARTMAN.
JUST FACE IT. WE LOST THIS ONE.
- KENNY, WE ONLY HAVE TO HELP HER GET KILLED,
AND THEN WE TOTALLY GET BACK AT BUTTERS.
- [muffIed] OKAY.
- MS. JESSICA PARKER, OVER HERE.
- WELL, THE DAY HAS FINALLY ARRIVED.
THE EAGERLY AWAITED SECOND NOVEL
FROM THE AUTHOR OF SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
HIT THE SHELVES THIS MORNING,
AND APPARENTLY BOOKSTORES ARE JAMMED.
- AL, HOW IS IT OUT THERE?
- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN SEE THIS, GUYS,
BUT THE--THE LINE STRETCHES ALL THE WAY AROUND THE BLOCK--
PEOPLE WAITING FOR THEIR TURN TO GET INSIDE THE BOOKSTORE
AND READ THE NOVEL.
AND THEY'VE BROUGHT TRASH BAGS AND BUCKETS TO THROW UP IN--
JUST A FESTIVE ATMOSPHERE HERE, MATT AND MEREDITH.
- WELL, WE'VE GOT OUR VOMIT BUCKETS READY TOO,
BECAUSE COMING UP, A VERY SPECIAL IN-STUDIO TREAT.
- THAT'S RIGHT. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A READING
OF THE FIRST FIVE CHAPTERS OF THE BOOK
HERE LIVE IN OUR STUDIO.
NOW, WE MUST WARN YOU
THAT THIS IS FROM THE SAME AUTHOR
WHO WROTE THE MOST GRAPHIC, OBSCENE NOVEL OF ALL TIME,
SO BRACE YOURSELVES FOR SOME VERY HARSH LANGUAGE.
TAKE IT AWAY, MORGAN FREEMAN.
-"THE POOP THAT TOOK A PEE.
"CHAPTER ONE.
"DOUGLAS HAD TO POOP.
"HIS BUTT WAS ALL STINKY
"BECAUSE HE HAD TO POOP SO BADLY.
"THERE WAS A GROSS WOMAN NAMED REBECCA
"WHO WAS SUNBATHING ALL NAKED,
"AND SHE WAS FAT.
"DOUGLAS WALKED UP TO HER AND SAID, 'I NEED TO POOP.'
"'OKAY,' REBECCA REPLIED.
"'I LIKE POOP.'
"DOUGLAS SQUATTED DOWN...
"OVER THE FAT, SUNBATHING LADY
"AND WENT POOP.
"THE POOP SAT THERE ON REBECCA'S BOOBS,
"LOOKING LIKE A WIENER.
CHAPTER TWO"...
- [imitating moose caII]
- SEE ANY HUNTERS YET? - [muffIed]
- DOING GOOD, MS. JESSICA PARKER.
JUST HANG OUT RIGHT THERE.
- GUYS! STOP! STOP!
WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS! - [muffIed] HUH?
- BUTTERS WROTE A SECOND BOOK!
- SO WHAT?
- SO, DUDE, IF BUTTERS WROTE A SECOND BOOK,
THEN EVERYONE'S GONNA KNOW
HE COULDN'T HAVE WRITTEN THE FIRST ONE.
- WE CAN GET PEOPLE TO BELIEVE US NOW!
- OH, DUDE, SWEET!
- "'WHY ARE WE HERE?' DOUGLAS CRIED,
"AS POOP CAME OUT HIS WIENER
"IN A LONG, THIN STRIP.
"IT WAS WIENER POOP,
WHICH IS THE GROSSEST POOP OF ALL."
- "THE PEE-PEE GOT ON THE WOMAN'S LEG,
AND SHE SCREAMED, POOPING OUT HER BOOBS."
- "AND SO WHEN THE PEE GOT MIXED WITH THE POOP,
IT SMELLED LIKE A BUTT."
- OH, DUDE, THIS IS EVEN LAMER THAN WE THOUGHT.
- PEOPLE ARE GONNA WANT BUTTERS' HEAD ON A PLATTER!
- ARE YOU READING THIS, MARCIA? WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- SO FAR, I THINK IT-- IT'S INCREDIBLE.
I-IT MIGHT BE BETTER THAN HIS FIRST BOOK.
- I AGREE. IT WASN'T AS EDGY,
BUT IT'S LIKE HE'S GONE BACK TO HIS ROOTS.
- WHAT?
- YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. YOU PEOPLE LIKE THIS?
- SOME OF THE IMAGERY IS UNBELIEVABLE.
- A WOMAN POOPING OUT HER BOOBS IS NOT GOOD IMAGERY!
- SAYS YOU.
YOU MUST BE A PRO-LIFE NUT, HUH?
DIDN'T LIKE WHAT THE BOOK HAD TO SAY?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS BOOK IS AS PRO-LIFE AS IT GETS!
- OH, COME ON!
- GOD DAMN IT!
WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP READING INTO STUFF THAT ISN'T THERE?
- "AND THE POOP AND THE PEE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
THE END."
KILL THE PHONIES.
- TODAY MY SISTERS AND I ARE GOING TO SHOP FOR UNDERWEAR!
all: YAY!
- CAN I GO WITH YOU, GIRLS?
[screaming]
- OUR NATION IS STILL REELING
FROM THE TRAGIC DEATHS OF THE KARDASHIANS.
THE SHOOTER CLAIMS HE WAS DRIVEN TO COMMIT THE SLAUGHTER
IMMEDIATELY AFTER READING THE POOP THAT TOOK A PEE
BY LEOPOLD "BUTTERS" STOTCH.
IT'S ALL OVER...
THE KARDASHIANS--WIPED OUT...
IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE...
ALL BECAUSE ONE LITTLE PRICK...
HAD TO GO AND WRITE A BOOK.
LEOPOLD STOTCH...
I HOPE THEY BURY YOU...
YOU EVIL FUCK!
- DUDE, PEOPLE ARE PISSED OFF AT YOU, BUTTERS.
- [muffIed] I KNOW.
- THEY'RE SAYING THEY'RE GONNA BAN BOTH YOUR BOOKS NOW,
COMPLETELY!
YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY MORE MONEY.
- [crying] YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT THAT?
MY WRITING
GOT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD KILLED!
[sobbing]
I LOVED HER!
AND NOW SHE'S GONE, AND IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!
- UH, OH, BUTTERS, IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN, WE'VE ALL LEARNED
THAT PEOPLE LOOK FOR MEANING IN BOOKS.
AND SOMETIMES, EVEN IF IT ISN'T THERE,
THEY'LL TRY AND INVENT THEIR OWN MEANING.
- YEAH, DUDE.
THAT'S WHY WE ALL NEED TO AVOID BOOKS
AND STICK TO TELEVISION.
- THA--THANKS, FELLAS.
I'LL DEFINITELY NEVER WRITE AGAIN.
I THINK I CAN GET OVER THIS.
- THAT'S GOOD, BUTTERS, BECAUSE WE NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
- WHAT?
- [sighs] YOU WERE SLEEPWALKING AGAIN
AND DRESSED SARAH JESSICA PARKER UP IN A MOOSE SUIT.
YOU LEFT HER IN THE FOREST, AND SHE GOT SHOT BY A HUNTER.
- WHAT? OH, NO! - YEP, SORRY.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO COME DOWN AND ADMIT IT WAS YOU.
- AW, I GOT HER KILLED TOO?
OH, WELL, AT LEAST SHE WAS UGLY.