♪ I'M GOIN' DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪
♪ GONNA HAVE MYSELF A TIME ♪
♪ FRIENDLY FACES EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ HUMBLE FOLKS WITHOUT TEMPTATION ♪
♪ I'M GOIN' DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪
♪ GONNA LEAVE MY WOES BEHIND ♪
♪ AMPLE PARKING DAY OR NIGHT, PEOPLE SPOUTING HOWDY NEIGHBOR ♪
♪ HEADIN' ON UP TO SOUTH PARK, GONNA SEE IF I CAN'T UNWIND ♪
♪ [muffIed] ♪
♪ COME ON DOWN TO SOUTH PARK AND MEET SOME FRIENDS OF MINE ♪
- AAAAH! - AAH!
AAH! PUT IT DOWN, YOU BITCH!
PUT THE GOLF CLUB DOWN, YOU CRAZY BITCH!
- [Swedish accent] YOU MOTHERFUCKER.
I NEVER SHOULD'VE MARRIED YOU!
- YOU'RE OVERREACTING, YOU STUPID SWEDISH COW!
- THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GETTING THE TEXT MESSAGE
FROM SOME LOW-LIFE HOOKER ON THANKSGIVING?
- GOD, SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING PILLS?
- OH, YEAH, TAKE MORE VICODIN, TIGER!
THAT'LL HELP!
- WILL YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?
- LISTEN TO THIS!
- AAH! YOU FUCKING WHORE!
- WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
- I'M GETTING THE FUCK AWAY FROM YOU!
[engine turning]
- OPEN THE DOOR, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
- OOH, YEAH, CHASE AFTER ME IN THE CAR, KENNY.
- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? - DUDE, CHECK IT OUT.
IT'S E.A. SPORTS TIGER WOODS PGA TOUR 1 1
FOR XBOX.
- AAH! FUCK YOU, CUNT!
- STOP BREAKING THROUGH THE WINDOW, KENNY!
WHOA, I'M GONNA CRASH! I'M GONNA CRASH!
[tires screeching]
- AAH! [car alarm bIaring]
- AH, LOOK WHAT YOU DID, YOU CRAZY BITCH!
- SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU CHEATING TURD!
- OH, DUDE, WAS THAT A COMBO MOVE?
- [muffled]
- OH, DUDE, HERE COME THE COPS. WE GOTTA LIE TO THEM.
[sirens wailing] HIT "X" TO LIE.
- WOW, I DIDN'T KNOW GOLF GAMES WERE THIS COOL!
- YEAH, DUDE, E.A.SPORTS OUT DID THEMSELVES THIS TIME.
- I'VE GATHERED YOU TOGETHER HERE,
BECAUSE YOU ARE THE BEST MINDS OUR COUNTRY HAS TO OFFER.
AS YOU HAVE ALL SEEN ON THE NEWS,
OUR COUNTRY IS FACING A MAJOR CRISIS.
AND WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT'S CAUSING IT.
WHY? WHY ARE RICH SUCCESSFUL MEN
SUDDENLY GOING OUT AND TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH LOTS OF WOMEN?
- TIGER WOODS WAS ONLY THE MOST PREVALENT,
BUT OUR DATA SHOWS THAT THE NUMBERS ARE GROWING.
DAVID LETTERMAN, AND BEFORE THAT, BILL CLINTON.
THERE'S A PATTERN HERE, PEOPLE.
- WHY WOULD A MAN WHO'S FAMOUS AND MAKES TONS OF MONEY
USE THAT TO TRY AND HAVE SEX WITH LOTS OF DIFFERENT WOMEN?
- AND THESE RICH CELEBRITIES
HAVE PERFECTLY GOOD WIVES AT HOME!
WHY WOULD THEY EVEN THINK OF SEX WITH OTHERS?
DAMN IT...
I WANT ANSWERS.
- WE BELIEVE THAT IT MAY BE AN OUTBREAK
OF SEX ADDICTION, SIR.
- SEX-A-WHOO-HOO?
- IT'S A NEW PHENOMENA WE DON'T COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND YET.
BUT IT SEEMS TO MAKE PEOPLE...
DIFFERENT.
OF COURSE, WE ALL KNOW THE NORMAL HEALTHY MALE
THINKS ONLY OF SEX OCCASIONALLY
AND HAS NO DESIRE FOR SEX WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS.
[all agreeing]
- DEFINITELY TRUE.
- YES, WE ALL KNOW THAT. GO ON.
- BUT IN THE SEX ADDICT,
THEIR ENTIRE LIVES ARE CONSUMED
WITH THOUGHTS OF WANTING MORE AND MORE.
THE MERE SIGHT OF AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
CAN--CAN MAKE HIM THINK ABOUT SEX WITH HER.
- BUT WHAT ABOUT LOVE?
HOW COULD TONS OF FAME AND MONEY MAKE YOU FORGET ABOUT LOVE?
- WHAT COULD BE CAUSING
THIS OUTBREAK OF SEXUAL ADDICTION?
- IT COULD BE CAUSED BY SOMETHING IN THE WATER SUPPLY,
UH, PERHAPS EVEN BY GLOBAL WARMING.
- OR COOLING. - YES.
- IF SO, THEN THE DISEASE
COULD START TO AFFECT OUR CHILDREN.
- THAT DOES IT.
I WANT HEALTH SCREENINGS AT ALL OUR NATION'S SCHOOLS.
WE NEED TO FIND OUT IF ANY YOUNG PEOPLE
MIGHT BE CARRYING THIS DISEASE.
- GOOD AFTERNOON, STUDENTS.
WE ARE GOING TO BE DOING A HEALTH SCREENING TODAY.
IT WON'T TAKE LONG AND WILL BE RELATIVELY PAINLESS,
BUT WE NEED TO SEE IF ANY STUDENTS ARE SHOWING SYMPTOMS.
IN A MOMENT, I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU
A SUGGESTIVE PICTURE,
AND THEN I AM GOING TO ASK YOU A QUESTION ABOUT THE PICTURE.
ALL RIGHT, READY?
HERE WE GO.
[all gasp]
- WHAT? - EW!
- [muffled cheering] - JESUS, DUDE.
- HOLY MOLY, WHAT'S THAT BETWEEN THE LADY'S LEGS?
IT'S ALL BUSHY!
- PLEASE JUST STUDY THE PICTURE THE BEST YOU CAN, STUDENTS.
I'LL THEN ASK YOU A QUESTION
WHICH YOU'LL ANSWER ON THE PAPER PROVIDED.
- I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT PART OF A LADY!
DO THEY ALL GOT A HEDGE LIKE THAT?
DO THEY?
- OKAY, VERY GOOD.
NOW, WHAT COLOR...
WAS THE HANDKERCHIEF IN THE NICE LADY'S HAND?
WRITE DOWN YOUR ANSWER, PLEASE.
WHAT COLOR WAS THE HANDKERCHIEF IN THE NICE LADY'S HAND?
- DID YOU SEE THE BUSH ON THAT LADY?
WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?
- VERY GOOD. TURN YOUR ANSWERS OVER, PLEASE.
- GEE WHIZ, IT WAS, LIKE, ALMOST UP TO HER BELLY BUTTON.
- ALL RIGHT. NOW...
WHO ANSWERED THAT THE HANDKERCHIEF WAS YELLOW?
VERY GOOD. VERY GOOD, INDEED.
NOW I'D LIKE TO SEE WHO ANSWERED, "WHAT HANDKERCHIEF?"
AHA.
YOU THREE BOYS, PLEASE COME WITH ME.
- I DIDN'T SEE A HANDKERCHIEF.
DID YOU SEE A HANDKERCHIEF, KENNY?
- [muffled]
- I'M SORRY, BOYS, BUT I'M AFRAID YOU THREE
HAVE TESTED POSITIVE FOR SEX ADDICTION.
- WHAT? - OH, NO!
- [muffled]
- WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SEND YOU HOME, I'M AFRAID.
- WAIT, WE'RE SEX ADDICTS?
ARE YOU SURE?
- OUR "NICE LADY WITH A HANDKERCHIEF" TEST
IS EXTREMELY COMPREHENSIVE AND THOROUGH.
I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE SIMPLY TOO DANGEROUS
TO HAVE AROUND NORMAL, WELL-ADJUSTED STUDENTS.
- IT WAS JUST...
SO BIG AND BUSHY, SIR!
WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE THAT?
- SO WHAT HAPPENS TO US NOW?
- [sighs]
A LIFE OF DESPERATION AND ANGUISH, I'M AFRAID.
YOUR ADDICTION WILL START OFF SLOWLY--
MAGAZINES, INTERNET SITES.
BUT THEN AS YOU KEEP CHASING YOUR HIGH,
YOUR TASTES WILL GET MORE AND MORE DANGEROUS.
MOST LIKELY YOU'LL END UP GOING THE WAY
OF DAVID CARRADINE AND MICHAEL HUTCHENCE--
AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION.
- [muffled] AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION?
WHAT'S THAT?
- I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO TOO MUCH DETAIL,
BUT YOU CHOKE YOURSELF WITH A BELT AROUND YOUR NECK
WHILE MASTURBATING DRESSED UP LIKE BATMAN OR SOMETHING.
THEN YOU PASS OUT FROM LACK OF AIR,
AND APPARENTLY IT MAKES YOUR ORGASM SUPER AWESOME.
- [muffled] - OH, NO.
I DON'T WANNA HAVE TO BUY A BATMAN COSTUME.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR THE PAST SEVERAL DAYS,
WE'VE BEEN SCREENING OUR NATION'S SCHOOLS
FOR SIGNS OF SEX ADDITION.
THE RESULTS OF OUR TESTS ARE TROUBLING, TO SAY THE LEAST.
DR. TONTON?
- IN FOURTH GRADERS, 5% OF MALE STUDENTS
WERE FOUND TO BE SEX ADDICTS.
BY SIXTH GRADE, THE NUMBER GOES UP TO 30%.
AT HIGH SCHOOLS,
NEARLY 91 % OF MALE STUDENTS ANSWERED
"WHAT HANDKERCHIEF?"
- WE ARE FACING A SEX-ADDICTION EPIDEMIC IN OUR COUNTRY.
YOUNG PEOPLE ALL OVER AMERICA ARE INFECTED
AND AT EXTREME RISK TO THEMSELVES
AND TO THE PEOPLE AROUND THEM.
THEY ARE LEADING LIVES OF SECRET PAIN.
- AND SO THESE INFECTED BOYS WILL SOON BE SECRETLY WISHING
THEY COULD BE HAVING SEX ALL THE TIME
WITH LOTS OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE?
- IT APPEARS SO.
- THE POOR BASTARDS.
- BUT WHAT ABOUT US NORMAL, HEALTHY ADULTS?
ARE WE AT RISK OF EXPOSURE?
- WE DON'T BELIEVE SO.
IN ADULT MALES, FOR WHATEVER REASON,
SEX ADDICTION ONLY SEEMS TO BE PROBLEMATIC
AMONGST RICH, SUCCESSFUL CELEBRITIES.
HOWEVER, WE ARE STILL COLLECTING DATA...
- WHY WOULD WEALTH OR SUCCESS CAUSE A MAN TO GO OUT
AND HAVE SEX WITH EVERYONE HE COULD?
- WHATEVER IS CAUSING THIS OUTBREAK,
WE GUARANTEE WE WILL FIND IT.
- KENNY, IT'S TIME FOR DINNER!
KENNY?
[gasps]
AAH!
- SUNSET AND EVENING STAR,
AND ONE CLEAR CALL FOR ME,
AND MAY THERE BE NO MOANING OF THE BAR...
- OH, MY GOD, IT'S TRUE.
- BUT SUCH A TIDE AS MOVING SEEMS ASLEEP,
TOO FULL FOR SOUND AND FOAM, - [crying]
- WHEN THAT WHICH DREW FROM OUT THE BOUNDLESS DEEP.
- THERE! IT WAS LIKE THAT!
IT LOOKED JUST LIKE THAT!
JUST LIKE THIS BUT--BUT SMALLER!
AND RIGHT IN THE PLACE HER UNDERWEAR SHOULD'VE BEEN.
IF I TRIM IT DOWN, IT'LL LOOK RIGHT.
- BUTTERS, BUTTERS, STOP IT!
- BUT THIS IS WHAT I KEEP SEEING IN MY HEAD.
- BUTTERS, WE ARE SICK. DON'T YOU GET IT?
WE'RE GOING TO END UP JUST LIKE KENNY!
- NO, IF I CAN JUST SEE IT AGAIN, I-I'LL BE FINE!
- NO! BUTTERS, STOP!
- AH! LEAVE ME ALONE!
- STOP IT! STOP!
[both grunting]
- OH, GOD!
OH, GOD, HELP US!
[both crying]
- TIGER LINES UP HIS DRIVE.
HE'LL BE HOPING FOR A BIRDIE HERE.
CONCENTRATION IS KEY.
- YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
I NEVER SHOULD'VE MARRIED YOU!
- AAH! GOD DAMN IT, STOP IT!
- HOW MANY WOMEN DID YOU FUCK?
HOW MANY?
- OH, DUDE, I CLOCKED YOU!
- I TOLD YOU THIS GAME WAS SWEET, DUDE.
- HANG ON, HANG ON.
I'M--I'M SWITCHING TO A SEVEN IRON.
[beeping, cIick]
- OH! OH! OH, MAN, I LOST ANOTHER ENDORSEMENT!
HOW'D YOU DO THAT? - HIT "A" AND "X" TOGETHER.
- OH, YOU'RE GOING DOWN, ELIN!
- I DON'T THINK SO, DUDE. I GOT THE PRENUP POWER-UP.
- OH, NO! PRENUP, WEAK!
WHEN DID YOU GET THAT POWER-UP?
- ALL RIGHT, SEX ADDICTS.
WHAT OTHER DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS DID WE ENGAGE IN
WHICH LED TO OUR ULTIMATE DOWNFALL?
ANYONE HAVE ANOTHER EXAMPLE?
LET'S SEE, HOW ABOUT DAVID?
- [chuckles] UH...
HAVING SEX WITH EMPLOYEES.
- SEX WITH EMPLOYEES, DEFINITELY A DANGER THERE.
WHAT ELSE? UH, MR. CLINTON?
- PUTTING CIGARS IN GIRLS' VAGINAS.
- VERY GOOD, BILLY.
CIGARS IN VAGINAS-- NOT THE BEST IDEA THERE.
- WATCHING INTERNET PORN ALL DAY EVERY DAY?
- SPOT ON, CHARLIE SHEEN--
EXCESSIVE INTERNET PORN.
NOW, THE REASON WE ARE MAKING THIS LIST
IS THAT WE HAVE NEW MEMBERS TODAY.
I WANT YOU ALL TO WELCOME KYLE AND "BUMMERS."
- HELLO. all: HEY, KYLE.
- AND WOULD YOU CARE TO SHARE YOUR STORIES WITH US, BOYS?
- WELL...
I JUST FOUND OUT I'M A SEX ADDICT.
I'M SO SCARED. I HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD MY MOM YET.
- DOES YOUR MOM HAVE BIG TITS?
- BILLY! - SORRY.
- ME, I JUST...
I JUST CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT BUSH.
- I HEARD THAT.
- I MEAN, IT'S LIKE, WHAT IS IT?
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
WHY WOULD THERE BE A BUSH RIGHT THERE?
IS IT A LIVE BUSH? ARE THERE BERRIES?
- MR. DUCHOVNY, PLEASE STOP JERKING OFF.
- AH, GEE WHIZ.
- TO BETTER UNDERSTAND THE SEX-ADDICTION OUTBREAK,
WE'VE BEEN RUNNING TESTS ON CHIMPANZEES.
YOU CAN SEE THAT THIS ENTIRE COMMUNITY OF SPECIMENS
ARE GETTING ALONG NORMALLY--
SOME PAIRING OFF, OTHERS ON THEIR OWN.
BUT NOW, SEE THIS CHIMP HERE?
AN AVERAGE, NORMAL ADULT MALE,
BLENDING IN SEAMLESSLY WITH THE OTHERS.
NOW WATCH.
WE'RE GOING TO GIVE IT A LOT OF MONEY.
GO AHEAD.
- [chattering]
[chattering excitedly]
[all chattering, screaming]
- MY GOD.
- YES.
[chattering, screaming continue]
- [chattering Ioudly]
[all chattering excitedIy]
- THE SUBJECT IS NOW ISOLATED AND SHUNNED.
- INCREDIBLE. AND--AND WHAT'S IT DOING NOW?
- MAKING A PUBLIC APOLOGY ON ITS TALK SHOW.
- [chattering]
- ALL RIGHTY. NOW, WE ALL KNOW THE DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS
THAT GOT US INTO THIS PREDICAMENT, DON'T WE?
WHAT IS THE MAIN THING WE'VE ALL LEARNED TO AVOID?
YES, TIGER.
- AVOID DRUGS AND ALCOHOL?
[all groan]
- NO, NO, TIGER, YOU STILL AREN'T GETTING IT.
IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE WE ARE NO LONGER DESTROYING OUR LIVES
WITH ANY OF THESE BEHAVIORS, WE MUST AVOID--
ANYONE?
AVOID GETTING-- ANYONE?
- CAUGHT.
- YES, MICHAEL DOUGLAS. EVERYONE.
all: GETTING CAUGHT.
- VERY GOOD.
YOU ARE ALL HERE IN THERAPY
BECAUSE YOU GOT CAUGHT.
SO HOW DO WE AVOID GETTING CAUGHT.
BEN ROETHLISBERGER.
- DON'T SCREW GIRLS IN THE PUBLIC BATHROOMS?
- WHEN THEY, UH, ASK YOU FOR MONEY, PAY THEM.
- GOOD, YES.
- WHOA, HANG ON.
WE SHOULDN'T BE LEARNING HOW NOT TO GET CAUGHT.
WE HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR ACTIONS.
- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WELL, I MEAN, WE HAVE TO ACCEPT
THAT WE HAVE A PROBLEM
AND PUT THE BLAME COMPLETELY ON OURSELVES.
I MEAN, MAYBE THIS ISN'T REALLY EVEN A DISEASE.
[keypad beeping]
- YEAH, IT'S ME.
WE'VE GOT A TURD IN THE PUNCH BOWL.
I REPEAT, WE HAVE A TURD IN THE PUNCH BOWL.
- MR. PRESIDENT, IN EVERY TEST, THE RESULTS WERE THE SAME.
THE MONKEYS WHO WERE GIVEN CASH ALWAYS ACTED OUT
THEIR SEXUAL ADDICTION TO DANGEROUS LEVELS.
IT APPEARS THAT MONEY HAS A DIRECT EFFECT
ON THE VIRUS' ABILITY TO DEVELOP.
- SO WE MUST KEEP OUR NATION'S YOUTH
AWAY FROM MONEY AND SUCCESS.
- NO GOOD, MR. PRESIDENT,
BECAUSE WE'VE LEARNED THAT SEX ADDICTS WILL FIND WAYS
TO MAKE MONEY AND BECOME SUCCESSFUL
IN ORDER TO FEED THEIR ADDICTION.
- YOU MEAN BOYS WILL START WORKING
TOWARDS BEING RICH AND SUCCESSFUL
JUST SO THEY CAN ONE DAY HAVE SEX WITH LOTS OF WOMEN?
- YES.
THAT'S WHY WE DECIDED TO LOOK AT THE CASH ITSELF FOR CLUES.
WE TRIED TO FIND SOMETHING IN THE $100 BILLS
THAT COULD EXPLAIN WHY THIS IS HAPPENING NOW.
THEN WE LOOKED AT THE BACK SIDE AND FOUND THIS.
- INDEPENDENCE HALL--
THE BIRTHPLACE OF OUR COUNTRY.
- WE BELIEVE SOMETHING IS HAPPENING AT INDEPENDENCE HALL
THAT GIVES MONEY ITS POWER OVER MEN.
- INDEPENDENCE HALL...
INDEPENDENCE DAY...
ALIENS...
GENTLEMEN, I MIGHT KNOW WHAT'S CAUSING
THE SEX-ADDICTION OUTBREAK.
THIS IS HIGHLY CLASSIFIED, BUT IN 1947,
A FLYING SAUCER WAS DISCOVERED IN ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO.
TWO DECEASED ALIEN BODIES WERE RECOVERED
AND HIDDEN FROM PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE.
THEY CARRIED A VIRUS WITH THEM,
A VIRUS THAT APPARENTLY WAS ONLY BARELY STOPPED
FROM SPREADING ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
- AND YOU THINK THESE ALIENS COULD BE BACK WITH A NEW VIRUS,
ONE ORIGINATING FROM INDEPENDENCE HALL,
CAUSING RICH, SUCCESSFUL MEN TO HAVE SEX WITH LOTS OF WOMEN?
- IT'S THE ONLY EXPLANATION THAT MAKES ANY SENSE.
- I WANT TO SAY THAT I AM DEEPLY SORRY
FOR MY IRRESPONSIBLE AND SELFISH BEHAVIOR.
I KNOW I HAVE SEVERELY DISAPPOINTED ALL OF YOU.
SOME HAVE SPECULATED THAT MY WIFE SOMEHOW HURT
OR ATTACKED ME ON THANKSGIVING NIGHT.
IT ANGERS ME THAT PEOPLE WOULD FABRICATE A STORY LIKE THAT.
SHE HAS SHOWN NOTHING BUT GRACE AND POISE.
- YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
- OH, NO!
- I SHOULD'VE NEVER MARRIED YOU!
- AAH! STOP IT!
- A PORN STAR?
YOU SCREWED A PORN STAR?
- OH, DUDE, YOU FOUND ANOTHER GIRL'S PHONE NUMBER
ON MY CELL PHONE?
- YEAH, BACK IN THAT WATER LEVEL.
- IS KYLE STILL AT SEX-ADDICTION THERAPY?
THAT MUST BE REALLY INTENSE.
- OKAY, SO WHAT EXACTLY ARE WE DOING NOW?
- WE ARE ON OUR WAY TO HELP TAKE CARE
OF YOUR DISEASES ONCE AND FOR ALL.
- OH, GOOD, 'CAUSE I REALLY CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
- DON'T WORRY.
AS SOON AS IT'S DEAD, EVERYTHING WILL MAKE SENSE.
- AS SOON AS WHAT'S DEAD?
[all groan] - HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT.
- THE INFECTED ALIEN THAT THEY JUST DISCOVERED
IS HIDING OUT AT INDEPENDENCE HALL!
[sirens whooping]
[all shouting]
[guns cocking]
- ENTRANCE IS CLEAR, MR. PRESIDENT.
- MR. PRESIDENT, YOU AREN'T SAFE HERE.
LET US HANDLE THIS.
- RIGHT SIDE, CLEAR!
- WE MUST BE CAREFUL.
THE ALIEN COULD'VE CAST
SOME KIND OF SPELL OF INVISIBILITY.
- WHICH WOULD MEAN THAT THE ALIEN IS ALSO A WIZARD.
- YES, IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
A WIZARD ALIEN WOULD BE ABLE TO CAST A SPELL ON OUR SPECIES,
CAUSING ALL THE MEN TO BECOME SEX ADDICTS.
- ENOUGH!
WE HAVE TO FIND THE WIZARD ALIEN AND BREAK HIS SPELL.
- OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, HANG--HANG ON, GUYS.
I MEAN, COME ON, THIS IS GETTING A LITTLE RIDICULOUS.
WIZARD ALIEN?
WE ALL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, DON'T WE?
WHENEVER A STORY BREAKS ABOUT SOME RICH, FAMOUS GUY
GOING AROUND AND HAVING SEX WITH TONS OF GIRLS,
WE ALL WANT TO ACT LIKE WE DON'T UNDERSTAND IT,
BUT WE DO.
WE'RE GUYS, YOU KNOW?
OUR BRAINS ARE WIRED TO STRIVE TO BE THE ALPHA MALE
AND GET ALL THE WOMEN WE CAN.
I MEAN, LOOK WHERE WE ARE.
EVEN--EVEN BENJAMIN FRANKLIN SCREWED EVERYTHING THAT MOVED,
BECAUSE HE COULD.
WE DON'T HAVE TO CONDONE
WHAT THESE RICH, FAMOUS PEOPLE DO,
BUT WE CAN AT LEAST ADMIT
THAT GIVEN THE SAME TEMPTATIONS AND OPPORTUNITIES
THAT SOMEBODY LIKE TIGER WOODS HAS,
A LOT OF US GUYS MIGHT DO SOMETHING SIMILAR.
- WE HAVE A TURD IN THE PUNCH BOWL.
- TURD IN THE PUNCH BOWL.
- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? NO, NO, COME ON!
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?
- TEN CITY BLOCKS HAVE BEEN SHUT DOWN
BECAUSE AN ALIEN IS BELIEVED TO HAVE TAKEN REFUGE
HERE IN INDEPENDENCE HALL.
BY ALL ACCOUNTS, THE ALIEN IS ALSO A WIZARD
WHO COULD VERY EASILY BE THE CAUSE OF THE OUTBREAK
OF SEX ADDICTION IN OUR COUNTRY!
- MR. PRESIDENT, HERE THEY ARE.
THIS IS THE BOY I TOLD YOU ABOUT
AND HIS FRIEND "BUMMERS."
- SON, WE WERE TOLD THAT YOU THINK SEX ADDITION
CAN BE CONTROLLED, THAT IT JUST TAKES RESTRAINT.
IS THAT TRUE?
- I JUST THINK I'D RATHER CONTROL IT
INSTEAD OF BLAME IT ON ANYTHING.
- AMAZING.
THEN THE WIZARD-ALIEN SPELL
MIGHT NOT HAVE ANY POWER OVER HIM.
HE COULD DRAW THE BASTARD OUT!
- QUICK, GIVE THAT BOY A GUN.
- WHAT? - YOU BETTER TAKE ONE TOO.
- ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE TO THE STAIRWELL.
THE BASTARD'S GOTTA BE UPSTAIRS.
- WHAT BASTARD?
- THE ALIEN WIZARD HIDING OUT HERE.
COME ON, WE'VE GOT TO-- [distant moaning]
- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
- I GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.
- [moaning loudIy]
- OH, MY GOD, THERE IT IS!
- IT'S THE ALIEN WIZARD! IT'S GONNA GET YOU BOYS!
SHOOT IT!
- [muffled shouting]
- SHOOT IT, BOYS! - YOU HAVE TO SHOOT IT!
- [continues shouting]
- SHOOT IT AGAIN! IT'S STILL ALIVE!
- YOU GOTTA RELOAD!
- [continues shouting]
- KEEP FIRING, BOYS! SHOOT IT IN THE HEART!
- KEEP SHOOTING IT!
- SHOOT HIM IN HIS BLABBERMOUTH!
- [groaning loudly]
[groaning stops]
- MY GOD, THEY'VE DONE IT!
all: OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!
- LOOK, THE SEX ADDICTION-- IT'S LEAVING MY BODY.
- I CAN FEEL IT. I'M FREE.
- WE ARE HEALED!
- MAKING LOVE, LET'S GET DOWN TONIGHT
- WE WATCHED AS SEX ADDICTION RAN RAMPANT THROUGH OUR COUNTRY.
IT DEVASTATED FAMILIES.
BUT ONCE AGAIN, OUR GREAT COUNTRY HAS RISEN UP AS ONE.
THE WIZARD ALIEN IS DEAD.
SEX ADDICTION IS NO MORE.
AND IF A RICH CELEBRITY IS CAUGHT AGAIN
TRYING TO SCREW LOTS OF WOMEN,
WE WILL KNOW IT ISN'T BECAUSE MEN ARE JUST LIKE THAT.
IT'S BECAUSE A WIZARD ALIEN HAS CAST HIS MIGHTY SPELL.
[cheers and applause]
- OH, I'M SO GLAD IT'S OVER, SHARON, AREN'T YOU?
- WE ARE NOW WITH THE YOUNG BOYS WHO HELPED STOP THE ALIEN.
BOYS, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE FREE OF YOUR ILLNESS?
- I GUESS IT FEELS GREAT.
THANKS.
- YEAH, IT FEELS GREAT! I NEVER WANNA SEE BUSH AGAIN!
I FINALLY PAID A LADY TO SHOW ME HERS.
YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT'S UNDER THAT BUSH?
NOTHING BUT A PAIR OF SICK JOKER LIPS!
- I AM SO HAPPY THAT I AM CURED
AND NO LONGER HAVE ANY DESIRE TO HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE
BUT MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE.
NOW I CAN BE FAITHFUL,
AND MY WIFE WON'T FEEL ANY NEED TO GET REVENGE
BY SLEEPING WITH A BUNCH OF GUYS.
- I GOT SICK THIS MORNING
A SEA WAS STORMING...
- SO I OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCE MY RETURN TO GOLF!
[cheers and applause]
- WHAT THE HELL? THIS GAME'S ALL BORING NOW.
- YEAH, WHERE'S ALL THE FIGHTING?
- DUDE, SCREW THIS.
WHO WANTS TO HIT A DUMB, LITTLE BALL AROUND?
- YEAH, GOLF IS STUPID AGAIN.