♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ ( mumbling ) ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
( school bell ringing )
M'kay, so now the computer will show a command bar.
M'kay, and we type in X=Y+1 .
M'kay, and then it says we hit "command Y"
to bring up the menu screen.
Oh, man, you've got to be kidding me.
Goddamn Japs are everywhere.
M'kay, now, right-click on menu item "equate all"
and type in "input 'Y."'
Oh, dude, are you on America's side, Stan ?
No, I'm on the Japanese side.
Oh, who just shot me ?!
M'kay, let's see, uh...
The right click is the upper right...
Uh... but then what the hell is...
M'kay, kids, I'm gonna need to get some clarification on this.
Just keep entering the calculations.
I'll be right back, m'kay.
Oh, dude, I wish I had a real flamethrower !
It works awesome on Japs !
Oh my God ! Oh my God !
Stan...Stan, we have a big problem !
Dude, what ?
There's vampires in the school !
What ?
Vampires-- I've seen 'em !
Dude, aw, who's using the flak-jacket cheat ?!
Not a cheat if you rank up !
Uh !
Kenny, there's a vampire on the loose !
Then Katie Gelson was hanging out with him
and now she's a vampire too !
Butters, there's no such thing as vampires.
But there is !
You guys gotta believe me !
First, there was just a couple
but now it's like they're growing.
They have fangs and drink blood and everything !
All right, Butters, well, you go document the vampires' movements
so we know what their intentions are.
Really, you think that's best ?
Yeah, now get outta here.
All right !
If I don't make it back,
tell my Mom what happened to me.
Oh, ho, you got powned, Bebe, you jap bitch !
Isn't this cool ?
This time of day nobody's in the gym.
We should make this one of our official
South Park vampire's club hangouts.
That's an awesome new coat, Mike.
Looks totally badass.
Don't call me Mike.
My name is Vampir now.
Oh, that's cool.
I'm gonna change my name to Vladimir !
You can't, it's too close to Vampir.
12:32 p.m.: Vampires meeting in the school gymnasium...
Leader appears to be a fifth-grader...
You know that girl Bella in Twilight ?
I think I'm like her-- I'm a psi-vampire.
Do you like these sparkles I got ?
Annie Bartlet is a psi-vampire...
Yeah, I'm more a sanguinarian vampire,
in that I rely more on the life-force energy, per se.
Yeah, I'm gonna be a hybrid vampire.
Both psi and sanguinarian.
That's Ryan Ellis.
Looks like they've gotten to him too !
Lunch time's almost over--
should we drink some more blood ?
- Cool ! - Yeah !
Yeah, and then I think
it's time for us to feed, per se.
Oh, God, I think they're gonna drink blood now !
They've got some kind of chalice and they're--
( click - click )
( loud playback ) ♪ Da-da da-daaaa ♪
It's the Big Texas Butters Show !
And now here he is, Big Texas Butters !
Why, howdy there, partners !
I'm Big Texas Butters,
and this is my horse, Toast !
♪ Happy trails to you... ♪
( click )
Ahahghgh !
Um, what are you doing ?
Get back !
You stay back !
Agh-- wagh !
The body of Christ compels you !
Ahh !
( school bell ringing )
That kid was really scared of us.
That's true, Bloodrayne,
people are going to be frightened of us
because they don't understand our ways, per se.
Yeah, we're cool, huh !
What the hell are those kids doing ?
Why are they dressing like that all of a sudden ?
Are they trying to be goth ?
No, they're vamp.
They wear plastic fangs
and drink freakin' clamato juice.
But they can't dress like that.
That's our style !
Hey, Tommy Petros is thinking
he might wanna be a vamp kid too.
Tommy Petros, is he cool ?
Yeah, he's cool enough.
All right.
So all of a sudden
you Justin and Britney wannabes
think it's cool to dress like us ?
We dress the way our souls feel.
To express the darkness, per se.
Aren't you Mike Mckowski ?
That's Vampir Mckowski now.
You kids need to all go put your freaking
Banana Republic clothes back on right now.
Hey, we're just as dark as you guys.
Maybe darker !
Really... do you guys even smoke ?
Of course not, smoking's bad for you.
[All]: Yeah !
Oh, my God.
You know, you guys are really giving off
a negative human energy.
We prefer to take our darkness somewhere else, per se.
All right, Count Fagula, you go do that.
Mom, Mom, I gotta tell you something !
You're not gonna believe it !
Not now, Butters, your father wants to
have a talk with you in the kitchen.
He is not happy.
Oh, no, what'd I do this time ?
You just march on in there.
Oh, jeez...
You see this, Butters ?
It's a glass of milk I poured for myself.
And you see this ?
It's Hamburger Helper.
Now, would you mind telling me what Hamburger Helper
is doing in this glass of milk ?
Why is Hamburger Helper in a glass of milk, Butters ?
I have no idea, Sir.
I'll tell you why !
Our pantry is always kept organized alphabetically.
But somebody put the Hamburger Helper
where the Nestle Quick is supposed to go !
I'm sorry, Dad.
It's just I've been really preoccupied lately !
See, there's these kids at school that--
What keeps a family together, Butters ?!
A well-organized pantry.
That's right !
If you keep putting food back under the wrong letter,
it all goes wrong !
Now you will reorganize this entire pantry
and you will do it right !
Okay, but, Dad, you gotta listen to me.
Kids at school are starting to change !
- They've been-- - You do it right now
or you're going to be grounded, you got that ?
Yes, Sir...
Jeez, nobody will even listen to me.
It's like nobody even cares
that there's vampires at the school.
I try to help and all I ever do
is get hollered at.
I'll bet vampires never get hollered at.
Vampires just get to do whatever they want.
( school bell ringing )
"All mortals share a soft repose,
"my soul doth dreadful vigils keep,
more keen than which hell scarcely knows."
What is that kid doing ?
Oh, Jesus, oh, God.
Butters, what are you doing ?
I... I'm Butters.
So ?
Oh, creatures of the night,
I seek audience to engage with thee
in unholy darkness and thus do...
And thus do unto your bidding !
What ?
Oh, I wanna be a vampire.
You're not cool enough to be one of us.
Yeah, I know, but, uh...
I think I would make a really good vampire
if you just...
just give me the opportunity.
We'll think about it.
Go get us some sodas out of the pop machine in the commons.
Yes, yes, anything else ?
I want some Cheetos.
Soda and Cheetos-- yes, I'll be right back !
♪ I'm not part of your society ♪
♪ I don't follow your fads and rules... ♪
( kid ) Where'd it go ?
You see where it went ?
Yeah, it's right over there by those vampire kids.
What ?
Hey ! Hey !
We aren't vampire kids.
We're freaking goth !
Whatever, Dracula. Why don't you turn into a bat or something ?
So lame.
So... lame.
You guys-- I do not want to be grouped in
with douchy little vampire kids.
So lame.
See, isn't it cool back here ?
It's all dark and isolated !
This would be a great place for a vampire meeting !
Get out of our space, you little twerps !
More preppy straight-"A" students
turning into vampires.
What the hell is going on ?
( wolf howling )
I've done what you've asked.
A case of Dr. Pepper and cherry Twizzlers.
Who are you gonna give this to ?
I mean, vampires can't eat people food.
You have done well.
Are you ready to become one of us, per se ?
Yeah, I guess...
Are you sure ?
Because once you're in South Park Vampire Society
you can't ever leave.
Well, I'm sick of being pushed around...
By my Dad... by kids at school...
Then it is time for your transformation, per se !
Let it begin !
This way, prepare thyself.
Whoa !
And now you shall drink vampire blood
and your transformation will be complete, per se.
With this, thy transformation is done !
Ewww, that's tastes awful !
Blah, blahg !
It is finished !
Welcome, Butters,
to the South Park Society of Vampires !
Ha... Ha ha ha !
Ahhhh ha-ha haaaa !
( wolf howling )
There you are, Butters !
Do you know what time it is ?
Where have you been ?
Butters, what have you done to your hair ?
Hey, Butters, we are talking to you !
Explain yourself, mister !
I no longer need to explain anything to you, father.
What on Earth ?!
That does it, you are grounded for two weeks,
you got that ?
You can't ground me !
For I am neither living nor dead !
How can thy ground that which is un-groundable ?
All right, I don't know what's gotten into you, mister,
but you're gonna--
Hiss !
- Wagh ! - Butters !
Hiss... hiss !
Agh...
I am going to my room now,
for I must slumber, per se.
( school bell ringing )
now, kids, I understand that you are very into this
"vampire thing"
but I don't want to see it get out of hand.
You kids need to understand
that your new little fad is scary to some.
Oh, my God !
You've got the wrong flippin' people !
We aren't vampires.
I know that you aren't really vampires.
And I appreciate that you want to be cool
because vampires are the "in" thing right now--
We aren't trying to be popular !
But just make sure that this new little trend
doesn't become a distraction.
Here's a couple more, Principal Victoria, m'kay.
Oh, no, are we in trouble ?
I was just telling your friends
about what I expect--
We aren't friends.
Don't worry, Ma'am.
As I was just explaining to my new minions
vampires are actually very spiritual
and deep beings, per se.
Allison Mertz is a vampire kid now ?
This thing isn't going to stop.
Let's just face it, they bogarted our style.
Everyone's gonna think we're trying to be butthole vampires now.
We might as well go to the frickin' Gap
and just buy normal clothes.
Well, at least nobody can refer to us as vampire kids now.
It went this way ?
Yeah, it's over there
by that fat girl, the big-nose kid, the midget
and the kid with pock marks on his face.
So we're back to that, are we ?
Shit.
Let's get out of these freakin' Gap clothes.
Hsss !
Sorry, Eric, but I'm a vampire now
and I can no longer survive on human food.
And if someone must die so that I can feed...
I choose thee.
Hsss !
Hmm, wonder what side I'm supposed to do it on ?
Aw, probably doesn't matter.
( slurping quietly )
Butters ?
Butters !
I can't do it !
Dude, gross, you got spit all over my neck !
Mom, Butters just gave me a hickey !
I'm so hungry
but just remembering how that blood tasted before--
blood is all clammy and tomatoey.
It makes me wanna--
bleahh !
Dude !
Are you all right, sweetie ?
Hissss !
Ughn !
( crash ) Ow !
What's going on ?
Well, Mom, apparently Butters is gay,
finds me very attractive
and confused about his sexual identity
puked up all over my floor.
Oh, dear.
Yes.
I walked into the cafeteria today...
Rebecca Miller and Phillip Rust
were dressed like vampires, drinking clamato juice
with four kids from the football team.
Jesus.
It's like there's more vampire kids every freakin' day.
Why is this happening ?
I mean, why now ?
Doesn't matter why.
Pretty soon the whole school
is going to be an endless hive
of conformist happy-go-lucky vampire wannabes.
It seems like that preppy Mike Mckowski kid started all this.
Maybe he's the way to stopping it.
What do you mean ?
I mean, what do you do when you want to
change vampires back to normal ?
You get rid of the head vampire.
Does your Mom know you took her car ?
Do I care ?
All right, this is probably good enough.
Yeah, pull over here.
Please, what do you want ?
Let me go !
What should we do with him ?
Well, if he's a vampire,
I guess we should drive a stake through his heart.
Nooo ! No, I'm not a vampire !
I'm not a vampire !
What's that ?
I'm not really a vampire !
You're not really a vampire ?
Really ?
I'm so freaking shocked.
If we get the right packaging
we can just Fedex him somewhere far away.
How about we send him to Transylvania ?
Nah, he'd probably see it
as something to brag about someday
to his little vampire buddies.
If we're gonna send him somewhere,
it should be the most horrible,
most miserable place on Earth.
[all]: Scottsdale !
Butters ?
We just got a call from Mrs. Cartman !
Butters ?
Unbelievable, he's locked the door.
Butters, this is your father !
Explain why you snuck into another boy's bedroom
and gave him a hickey !
Butters ?
Butters, you open this door right now !
( panting ) What have I done to myself ?
I should have known I wouldn't have the stomach to be a vampire.
I'm so hungry.
Butters, you have five seconds to unlock this door !
One... two !
( lock clicking )
Uh...B-Butters ?
Hey, Dad.
Ahghggh !
Butters, did you get gay
with one of your schoolmates tonight ?
I have to eat, but I can't do it.
I'm getting weak.
All right, now you listen and you listen good.
Until you stop behaving this way,
you are not going to leave this room !
Do you understand ?
Agh!
Hiss !
I know now what I have to do !
Blagh !
Stephen, what has happened to our boy ?
He's become something, Linda.
Something that...
we cannot ground.
I just don't get it.
We sent the head vampire kid to Scottsdale
but still more and more kids
are dressing up like vampires.
He must not have been what was causing it.
It must be something else.
Hey, you kids gonna order any food
or just sit there and drink coffee all night again ?
Leave us alone.
Bad enough I always get stuck with you goth kids.
Now I got goth kids in my entire section !
( giggling ) ( giggling )
They aren't goth !
They're douchy little vampire kids !
Looks the same to me.
I bet they aren't even drinking coffee.
No, they said they're too young to drink caffeine
so they're having orange juice.
Let's go over there and tell them
they are not taking Village Inn from us too !
Forget it, it's over, all right !
There's too many of them now,
we can't stop them.
Let's just face it.
The freakin' vampires beat us.
Maybe not.
Hsss !
Did you say...
you're trying to get rid of the vampires ?
I want to help you.
Get away, douche bag.
Some legends say...
that if you destroy the vampires' lair...
The vampires go back to being human again...
What are you talking about ?
I can take you...
to the place where kids are being transformed into vampires.
Agh-- Hot Topic...when did this open ?
Two weeks ago.
It used to be a Banana Republic.
Of course, freakin' Hot Topic.
That explains everything.
How did we not figure that out ?
Of course a new Hot Topic must have come to town--
duh !
Well, I think we all know what has to be done.
Yup, let's get to it.
♪ Burn, burn down burn down Hot Topic ♪
♪ Don't let it steal your soul away ♪
Hey, what the hell are you doing ?!
You should probably get out of here.
♪ Light the fire ♪
♪ Take control ♪
♪ Burn down burn down Hot Topic ♪
♪ Don't let it take your soul ♪
What the hell are they doing ?
They're putting an end to it !
Ahghghggh !
♪ And take control ♪
♪ Burnin' down Hot Topic ♪
Mom, Dad !
I've changed back !
What ?
Goth kids burnt down the Hot Topic
and sure enough, soon as they did,
I tried eating a hot dog and it tasted good !
My vampire teeth even fell out when I bit into it !
I'm human again !
We have no idea what you're talking about, Butters,
but we're glad you're home !
That's right, son.
There's only one thing I care about--
What's that, Dad ?
Well, would you mind telling me why there's
Rice-A-Roni in my coffee !?
Uh-oh.
Butters, you are grounded !
Awwww, dang it !
It worked, Linda.
Our son is groundable once more.
Fellow students,
over the past week, there's been a lot of confusion
and so we have asked for this assembly
to clarify the difference between goth kids
and vampire kids.
Let us make it abundantly clear:
if you hate life, truly hate the sun
and need to smoke and drink coffee
you are goth.
If, however, you like dressing in black
'cause it's fun,
enjoy putting sparkles on your cheeks
and following the occult
while avoiding things that are bad for your health
then you are most likely
a douche bag vampire-wannabe boner.
Because anybody who thinks they are actually a vampire
is freaking retarded.
( cheers & applause )
Fuck all of you.