♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ ( mumbling ) ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
( crowd screaming )
( siren blaring )
What's going on, Dad ?
Mr. Marsh, you have to move, it isn't--
( Randy panting )
( screaming )
( car alarm blaring )
( Randy ) Oh, God.
I'm... I'm so startled.
( panting )
Aghgh !
( Craig ) My name is Craig Tucker.
Last week was my birthday.
My Grandma gave me a check for $100.
I was so happy.
But then, four kids from school came to my house
and said I should use my $100 to invest in becoming
a Peruvian flute band.
They promised I would double my money in one afternoon.
But the government arrested us,
along with all the other Peruvian flute bands,
and took us to an internment camp in Miami.
We begged to go home.
But instead, the government told us
they were sending us to Peru.
( bird squawking )
And so that is why I am now in Peru.
If I die, let it be known that it is
because four guys I don't even like from school
lied to me and took my birthday money.
We didn't lie, Craig, it was a sweet idea !
Yeah, how were we supposed to know
that pan-flute bands would be outlawed ?
I don't get it.
They said the military would meet us here.
This is where they told us to land.
Can you get through to Washington ?
I'm trying.
( man ) This is Conner in Washington !
Hey, Conner, the place that homeland security told us
to start the operation--
there's nobody here to meet us.
It's like they sent us to no-man's land.
Jesus, they're everywhere !
What are everywhere ?
So furry !
They're attacking every city-- ahh--
People dying-- ahh--
Guinea pigs...all over-- ahh--
Guinea pigs ?
Can't stop them !
Need to get out-- ahh--
I just ate...
A peanut-- ahh--
Peanut now stuck in throat-- ahh--
Shouldn't eat peanuts when scared !
Ahghghh !
( Randy ) I've got the video camera, got it turned on again.
Okay.
This is Randy Marsh.
I'm shooting this video of myself.
20 minutes ago, some huge creatures attacked our town.
It's still chaos out the window.
( alarms blaring )
I barely made it back to the house.
Sharon is here with me... and there's Shelley.
Wave to the camera, Shelley.
Randy, will you put down that camera ?!
We need to figure out what to do !
I don't know what to do !
I'm so startled.
We have to see what the news is saying !
( man ) This is a shot of New York City,
where the giant guinea pigs have also attacked.
( Sharon ) Guinea pigs ?
Reports of attacks are coming in from major cities
all over the world.
( Randy ) Jesus, this thing is worldwide ?!
( gunshots firing )
( Sharon ) Look at that thing !
Randy, what are we gonna do ?!
( glass shattering )
( deep moan )
Ahh ! Ahh !
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God !
Go, Randy, run !
We've gotta get out !
Michaels, Harrison-- anybody ?
Nothing.
L-Sat is down, and no answer at R.C.U.
Whatever's going on out there, it's huge.
All right, just let me get this straight.
The head of homeland security ordered you to fly us,
five kids, to Peru,
but had you land way up in the Andes Mountains of Peru
so that other government people could meet us
and then somehow tell us
how to go to the capital of Peru way over in Lima
and take down their government ?
Yes, that was the order.
And that makes sense to you ?
Nope, not at all.
Actually, the whole rounding up of the pan-flute bands
didn't make sense to any of us either.
None of what that homeland security guy does makes sense.
So could you just fly us home, please ?
You don't understand.
The plan was to have a refueling truck meet us here.
We don't have enough gas to fly anyplace.
Oh, that's awesome.
So we've gotta find another way out of here.
It's starting to look that way, yeah.
This is fun.
Let's walk for miles through a spooky jungle.
It just keeps getting better and better.
Y'know, we're getting pretty sick of your attitude, Craig.
Yeah !
Nobody likes hanging out with people
who complain all the time.
Look at that, no lights on-- nothing.
It's like humans have never been to this part of Peru.
More guinea pigs seem to be moving in from all directions.
We checked on Wikipedia
and found out that guinea pigs
are from the Andes Mountains-- here.
What about the pan-flute bands ?
Are they on their way to Guantanamo Bay ?
Sir, we believe we have bigger problems right now
than pan-flute bands.
Have they been loaded onto the boats or not ?!
No, Sir.
We diverted all the resources away from the pan-flute bands
to deal with the guinea pigs.
That was an order !
The flute bands were to be put on boats
to Guantanamo last night !
I am still in charge here !
I want those pan-flute bands on the boats to Guantanamo !
Yes, Sir.
I don't see why you have to yell at people.
( whimpering )
( alarms blaring )
( Randy ) Okay, we're down in Main Street now.
Ohh-- oh, look at that.
Ohh !
Where do we go, Randy ?
We've got to get out of town.
Go through that way.
( man ) No !
Ahgh-- my arm, my arm !
( Randy ) Oh, Jesus !
( Sharon ) Randy, run !
Run !
( panting )
Okay, we're running now !
There's Sharon and Shelley running.
Wave to the camera, Shelley.
- Dad ! - ( glass shattering )
Ahghgh !
In there, in there !
( panting )
Oh, God, oh, God, I'm so startled.
Are you startled, Sharon ?
Randy, put down the--
( screaming )
( low moan )
( Shelley ) It's gonna kill us !
Just stay down, Shelley, it can't come in here !
( Randy ) Hold on, hold on, I need to get a shot of it from outside.
Randy, where are you going ?
( panting )
Here we see a view from outside the bus.
( Sharon ) Randy !
( panting )
What the hell are you doing ?!
I got a really good shot of it, Sharon.
Aghgh !
I don't know, Lemski.
This entire area of Peru isn't even charted on the maps.
This whole valley is strange.
Just look at the size of that fruit !
Ain't that a peach ?
And how do you like them apples ?
Take a look at this !
They look like beehive combs.
Oh, my God.
Dude, what is this place ?
It's like an unknown valley that time forgot
where everything grows huge.
That's a shock.
I decided to follow you guys
and now I'm in "Land of the Giants' Lost World."
Craig, it isn't our fault !
You make it sound like we always wanna be
in situations like this, but we don't have any choice !
Yeah, stuffjust happens.
Stuffjust happens.
That's right !
You just wind up being sent by the government
to take down the city of Lima,
only to wind up in "Land of the Giants' Lost World."
That's right.
You know what stuff happens to most kids ?
They fall off their bikes.
They get in fights with their parents.
They get swindled out of their birthday money.
Look, wherever we are, I think we better keep moving.
( low churning )
Dude, look out !
Ahahghgghh ! Aghghgh !
Ahghghghghghghgh !
No, stop it ! Make it stop !
( Randy ) All right, all right.
Here's Sharon and Shelley on the roof of Best Buy.
We-- we ran up here to get off the streets.
We found the Stotch family hiding up here also.
There's Chris and Linda and their son, Butters.
Hello !
( bees buzzing )
What is that ? Chris, what is that ?
That's a new sound.
Oh, God, look !
Those aren't guinea pigs !
Get off the roof !
Go, go, go, go, go, go !
Oh-- oh, God !
Going down the stairs now !
Okay, we're going down the stairs !
( panting )
( man on TV ) And we are now getting word of giant bees.
The giant bees have been seen in the U.S. and Europe.
Oh, God !
Get away, there's bees everywhere !
( screaming )
Running-- running-- running down the street !
Ahgghh !
There's another one right there !
- Oh, my God ! - ( buzzing )
( alarm blaring )
( buzzing )
It stung me ! It stung me !
( buzzing )
Aaghgh !
Oh, that startled me !
That was really startling !
I think we're just heading deeper into the mountains.
Yeah, maybe we should start heading that way.
I think we're fucked !
Hey, hey, look at this.
What is it ?
( Kyle ) I don't know, looks old.
Let's see what's in there.
"Let's see what's in there."
That's why you guys get into these situations.
Because when you come across a spooky ancient ruin,
you say, "Let's see what's in there."
It might be a way out, Craig !
Yeah, Mr. Complainy-Pants.
Whoa !
I don't think anybody's been in here for centuries.
Yeah, totally.
You guys, look at this !
It's a wall of ancient drawings.
( Kyle ) Dude, it's a Peruvian flute band !
I know, and look--
( Cartman ) Looks like the pan-flute music
is driving away giant guinea pigs ?
Oh, no way, look !
The pan-flute band's put in prison.
Just like what happened !
And then the guinea pigs killing people !
And then...
Dude, it's Craig !
What ?
That is Craig !
Dude, Craig, what's going on ?
I have no idea.
Well, do you mind telling us what you're doing on
an ancient Incan wall, Craig ?!
I don't know.
( man ) There is now word of huge beehives forming
in cities across the U.S. and Canada.
Europe and China are reporting
deaths by guinea pigs in the tens of thousands.
And how are the efforts to contain all this going ?
It's bad, Sir.
It seems we have no way of stopping it.
We've lost complete control.
( evil laughter )
Uh, Sir ?
I'm sorry, I just thought of a funny joke.
Oh-- ha-ha.
All right, get the jets ready.
I need to get to Machu Picchu.
Uh, Machu Picchu, Sir ?
Yes, I need to be taken to Machu Picchu.
Have you lost your hearing ?
But, Sir, what could possibly be at Machu Picchu to help--
Am I in charge or not ?!
( distant screaming )
We're in the grocery store now.
Some other survivors here.
Can we get out through the highway ?
The highway's unreachable.
There's guinea rats all over it.
- Guinea rats ? - So startled, so startled.
What do you mean, guinea rats ?
Look, there are guinea pigs,
but there's also guinea bees, guinea rats.
I've even seen some guinea spiders out there.
Randy, will you stop doing that ?
Look, I think we need to find a way out under the city.
In the sewers ?
It can't be safe down there.
( panting )
Oh, God, what are we gonna do ?
- ( woman ) Oh, my God ! - ( screaming )
Something's inside the store !
( Chris ) Guinea rabbits ! They're inside !
( glass shattering )
Whoa, they're everywhere !
( man ) Help me !
Ahghgh !
Ahhhh!! Travis, no !
You can't help him !
There's something over there !
It's a guinea bear !
No, it's a guinea mouse, stupid !
Kill me !
Randy, the storeroom-- we've gotta get to the storeroom !
( panting )
( Shelley ) Mom, I can't see !
It's okay, Shelley, Daddy's gonna turn on night vision.
There... there.
Okay.
Ahgghgh ! Ahghgh !
What, what, what, what ?!
Nothing, sorry, I just startled myself.
Ahgghgh !
Let's head over this way, guys.
You hear that ? It sounds like water.
Yeah, it's coming from up there.
Wow.
Dude, that's awesome.
All right, let's go.
No.
What-- what do you mean "no" ?
I'm not following you guys anymore.
Dude, we have to go check this out.
Why ?
Because just-- that's just the way it is.
Every time bad things happen,
you guys end up putting yourselves
deeper into the middle of it because
"That's just the way it is."
Hey, we aren't the ones
on an ancient temple prophecy wall, butt wipe !
I don't care.
I've decided that I'm done.
I am choosing not to be a part of this anymore.
How do you do that ?
It's easy-- watch.
Craig, dude, wait up.
( Cartman ) Dude, Craig, we should go back now.
No.
( Stan ) Hey, look, there's something here !
Nope.
( thundering )
Dude, this is boring.
This is just a bunch of walking around.
Yep, nice and boring.
Just the way I like it.
( panting )
It's been three days now since the guinea pigs
and the guinea bees attacked.
Guinea rabbits are still everywhere,
along with a few guinea panthers.
We've taken shelter at the Outback Steakhouse.
There's Sharon and Shelley.
Say, "Hey," guys.
( rumbling )
What is that ? What is that ?
I'm gonna take a look outside !
What is it ?!
It's a guinea-saurus rex !
( screaming )
( car alarms blaring )
- ( Sharon ) Oh, my God ! - I know, I'm way too startled !
Look !
Jesus, they can't kill it !
What do you think about the guinea-saurus rex, Shelley ?!
Oh, that's good, there's Shelley with
the guinea-saurus rex in the background !
Give a little peace sign, Shelley.
Oh, I know, hold out your palm
so it looks like you're holding the guinea-saurus rex !
Shelley ?
Randy, I have had it !
You are putting down that Goddamn camera !
Sharon, you're gonna be really glad
we have all this footage of the family someday.
Ppssahggh !
( thundering )
Wait here a minute.
Behold !
I am standing on your precious land !
I've waited a long time for this !
( evil laughter )
What's he doing ?
What of your prophecy now ?
Nothing can stop me !
Craig !
No, how did you get here ?
Hey, it's that asshole who sent us to the jungle
with nobody to pick us up !
Sir, is everything all right ?
Shoot them !
Shoot them ?
They're a Peruvian band that escaped !
We must keep them contained !
No, no, listen to me.
The Peruvian flute bands were keeping
the guinea creatures away !
Whatever's happening to the world is happening
because you guys got rid of all the flute bands !
I said shoot them.
Go look-- it's all an ancient Incan prophecy !
Maybe we should look at it, Sir.
Damn you, Craig !
You just don't ever stop, do you ?
I didn't say anything.
You see, for thousands of years, horrid creatures have
lived in the Guinea Valley of Peru.
The Incas learned how to keep the creatures at bay
by playing pan-flute music.
Guinea creatures hate it even more than humans do.
But the prophecy foretold that one day
the creatures would be unleashed,
and I have made that happen !
The Incas predicted the world would be saved...
by Craig.
But that part of the prophecy will not come true !
For you will all die on this mountain !
Ha-ha haaa...
You're-- you're some kind of monster !
Oh, I'm much more than that.
Guinea bees, guinea rabbits, guinea-saurus rexes--
I am something much more evil.
Kwaaaagh !
Arrrrgh !
Guinea pirate !
Jesus Christ !
Sir, I promise you,
I'm not going to ruin your plans.
I'll just walk away.
See ?
Arhghggh !
No !
Okay, now there's sparks shooting out of my eyes.
Ah, curse ye, Craig !
Stop ! Ahghgh !
Argh !
( sighing )
( Craig ) My name is Craig Tucker.
Last week, I stopped a guinea pirate
from taking over the earth.
All the Peruvian flute bands were released...
And drove the guinea creatures back to the Andes Mountains.
Many people had died, but mankind had prevailed.
All over the world, survivors were found--
living witnesses to the terror that had been seen.
Here, here, look, look !
What the--
Oh-- oh, I didn't have a tape in it.
( camera clicking )
The guinea pirate lived,
but was taken to prison to live out the rest of his days.
And people all over the world
learned to support their local Peruvian flute bands
and buy their CD's,
for they protect us from the guinea creatures.
As for me, I was returned home by homeland security.
My parents were so happy.
I realized that we don't always have control over
what happens to us.
We are but players on the stage of life.
And I also learned to never listen when people
come asking you for money.
That guy's an asshole.
Yeah, what a dick.
I fucking hate Craig !
Sir-- Sir, we have a problem.
What now ?
The former director of homeland security
that turned out to be a guinea pig,
it attacked the guards-- got out of its holding cell.
My God, are you telling me--
Yes, Sir, it broke out of prison.
( glass shattering )
( screaming )