♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ ( mumbling ) ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
( School bell ringing )
Okay, children, let's all take our seats.
Before we get started today
Wendy Testaburger has asked
to share something with the class.
Wendy ?
Thank you, Mr. Garrison.
Fellow students, October is awareness month
for one of the leading causes of death in women--
a terrible disease that takes the lives
ofAmerican women every day.
I'm talking, of course, about breast cancer.
( snickering )
an estimated one in six women
will deal with cancer in their lifetime,
and breast cancer is the most--
( chuckling )
She said it again !
Is there a problem ?!
Because breast cancer isn't funny.
Breast cancer is killing people.
Mr. Garrison, do we really need all this
potty talk in the classroom ?
Eric, for the love of Jesus...
This is a serious issue, Eric !
What you're doing is very offensive !
Me ?
You're the one talking about killer titties.
( snickering )
Watch out, guys, Wendy says boobs can kill people.
"Rarrrg !
Gonna get you ! Gonna get you, Wendy !"
I don't wanna get killed by boobs !
Will somebody do something ?
Every week he gets worse and nobody does anything !
Eric, stop being offensive.
I'm just trying to engage Wendy
in a constructive dialogue about
breast-cancer awareness, Mr. Garrison.
No, you aren't !
Wendy, you need to calm down.
You're gonna get your boobs all angry
and they're gonna start killing everyone.
( boys laughing )
Dude, I'm on fire today !
Look out, everyone !
There's some killer titties on the loose !
Coulda swore I heard 'em comin' though the roof !
Pssh-- officer, we need to get an A.P.B. out
on those titties !
They're armed and dangerous !
What is your problem ?
Breast cancer isn't funny !
Not at all.
"Wendy, we're gonna get you, Wendy.
We're your boobs, we're gonna kill you !"
You better shut up, or I'll make you shut up.
Oh, really ?
What are you gonna do about it, Wendy ?
I'm gonna kick your ass, that's what I'm gonna do !
Ha-ha, you're gonna kick my ass ?
That's right, I'm gonna kick your ass !
You wanna throw down, dawg ?
I'll throw down !
You think you're tough ?!
What's up ? What's up ?
I'll smack the shit out of you !
I'm standing right here ! Let's go, bitch.
After school.
We fight after school, you got that ?!
You're gonna fight me after school ?
That's right !
You're a chick, dude.
As soon as that bell rings
we do it outside, you got that ?!
And you better be there.
Oh, it's on, bitch.
You're gonna fucking die !
Wendy and Eric are fighting after school !
Hey, everybody !
Wendy and Eric are fighting after school !
- What ? - Wow !
Wendy and Cartman are gonna fight after school !
- Really ?! - Oh, wow !
Wendy and Cartman are fighting after school.
[all cheering]: Yay !
Hey, emo kids, Cartman and Wendy are gonna fight after school.
Did she just call us emos ?
Jeez, I can't believe
Wendy's gonna fight you after school !
She is pissed off.
She's not gonna show up to a fight, dawg.
I'm sure she's already trying to figure a way to get out of it.
Hey, check it out,
she's totally staring you down.
( Clyde ) She sure seems confident.
You should probably go easy on her, dude.
You don't wanna put her in the hospital or anything.
Yeah, I'm just gonna teach her a lesson.
I'm not gonna totally kick her ass.
( Jimmy ) Can't go too easy on her, though.
God forbid, she actually gets in a g-good punch and beats you.
Yeah, if you got beat up by a girl,
everyone would think you were a faggot.
( slurping )
( school bell ringing )
Wendy, could I talk to you for a second ?
What ?
( whispering ) Wendy, I want to apologize
and, um, tell you that--
What ?
( whispering quieter ) I want to apologize and tell you that
I'm sorry for what I said, okay ?
It was wrong of me,
and I promise you that it won't happen again.
I don't wanna fight you after school, all right?
So I'm sorry.
If you're really sorry,
you can say it in front of everyone.
( whispering ) Actually, I was thinking,
let's just keep this between us.
I was wrong to make fun of breast cancer
and I'm very "remorsefulness."
No !
If you're really sorry
and you wanna apologize to me,
then do it in front of everyone.
Pfft ! Apologize ?!
That's not what I said, you dumb bitch !
Ha-ha, ha-ha !
Yes, you did !
You just stood there and said you apologize
and you don't wanna fight !
Oh, Wendy,
such a desperate attempt to get out of it.
These students are a little too smart
to see you're just making excuses not to fight me.
I don't want an excuse.
I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of you !
Ho... ha... That's funny.
You're gonna die, you... lesbo.
( whispering ) Wendy, seriously, though,
I do want to apologize.
I'm really sorry,
and I don't think we should fight.
Get away from me !
So everyone's saying there's gonna be a fight
between Eric Cartman and your girlfriend.
I guess so.
And you're gonna just let that guy
beat up on your woman ?
Doesn't that like go against your
jock-y man code or something ?
Yeah, I don't ever remember AC/DC singing about
letting dudes beat up on their girlfriends.
What am I supposed to do about it ?
Don't worry, Stan.
I don't think the fight's even gonna happen.
Cartman said that Wendy's already
begging him to call it off.
I'll bet she is.
I hope not !
I wanna see Eric kick the crap out of her !
( whispering ) Wendy, Wendy-- pssst.
What ?
Just real quick, just-- pssst-- real quick.
Wendy, you're not gonna believe this.
I just found out my Mom has breast cancer.
Man, I sure got what was coming to me.
I was a real jerk
and now they're gonna cut off my Mom's boobs.
You really think that's gonna work on me ?
Wendy, I have here $27 in cash.
If you just call off the fight, then i--
you can't bribe your way out of this.
Wendy, I have muscular dystrophy.
No, you don't.
My Mom has muscular dystrophy...
in her boobs.
You don't get it, asshole !
There is nothing you can do to stop this fight.
I am going to wipe the playground with you
right in front of everyone !
I am going to shove your ass down your throat
and make you eat your underwear !
Eat my underwear ?
That's right !
Okay.
Okay, Wendy, I will eat my underwear
right here, right now.
Jesus Christ, do you have no sense of self-respect ?!
No, unless you want me to ?
Do you want me to have self-respect, then I will.
You fucking suck so hard !
I'll eat my underwear, Wendy,
and then you'll be satisfied.
We can put this whole thing behind us.
What are you doing ?
I am committed to peace, Wendy.
I want you to see just how humbled I am--
garlggl-- how much-- garlgl...
Ewwww !
Garlg-- Wendy--
Look at me, Wendy-- glalghrg !
There, there !
Oh, my God !
So... are we cool ?
No !
I ate my underwear !
What the hell do you want from me ?
You are so pathetic !
Wendy, it isn't fair !
I ate my underwear for you !
No !
Yo, what's up, dawg ?
Stan, Stan, dude, we need to talk !
What ?
Ya know, Wendy and I are supposed to fight in like three hours.
Yeah.
Dude, aren't you worried ?
Wendy's a girl.
She could end up getting really hurt, Stan.
You're my bro and she's your bitch.
I don't wanna hurt my bro's bitch.
I can't do anything,
she really wants to fight you.
No, no, she doesn't.
She told me she doesn't wanna fight.
She's just stuck, Stan,
because she knows I'm gonna kick her ass
but she feels like if she doesn't fight me
all the kids are gonna call her "chicken."
Really ?
You know what she did ?
She apologized and begged me not to fight her.
I said, "well, Wendy, if you're so sorry
then say it front of everyone."
But she wouldn't.
That's how desperate she is.
Now you have to do something, Stan.
You have to be a fucking man
and forbid her from fighting so she has a way--
Haaaackckck...
Harharhghghghh...
Oh, that's where I put those.
Anyway, Stan, you've got to put a stop to this fight.
Wendy's stuck and she needs you.
Dude, there's nothing I can do about it.
God, you are such a pussy, Stan !
You're such a pussy !
When I hurt Wendy,
it's gonna be on your fucking head !
( school bell ringing )
and so you see, at this point, Euripides knew
he could not win the battle.
( clock ticking )
( Wendy ) I am going to wipe the playground with you
right in front of everyone !
( Butters ) If you got beat up by a girl,
everyone would think you were a faggot.
All right, kids, for your homework tonight,
I want you all to read chapter seven.
( clock ticking )
Kick the shit out of him, Wendy.
As soon as the bell rings, we gotta get out there
and find a good place to watch the f-f-fight.
( clock ticking )
( Cartman ) There's no way out !
She's gonna kick my ass in front of everyone.
Almost time !
And be ready for a quiz tomorrow morning.
I totally can't see the fight, dude.
I've got detention after school.
Detention.
That's it !
I've gotta get detention fast !
( clock ticking )
No !
Harghgh !
Eric, did you just take a crap on my desk ?
What's up ? What's up ?
I crapped on your desk, dawg.
What's up with that ?
Huh.
Welcome to detention, m'kay !
You are here until your parents come and pick you up.
Use your time to study.
Ahhh, sweet.
( Butters ) Eric !
Hey, Eric !
Eric, well, what's goin' on ?
Everyone's startin' to say
you got detention on purpose
to get out of fighting Wendy.
What ? That's ridiculous !
But some people think you crapped on teacher's desk
to get out of the fight.
That's not why I did it !
Then why'd you crap on Garrison's desk ?
Because I'm hard-core.
You know, I'm anti-establishment.
That's how I roll, dawgs.
I do hard-core stuff like that.
That's what I said !
I told everyone outside,
"Cartman ain't scared of fightin' Wendy !
He'd do it if he could !"
Damn straight !
I just got all punk rock and got detention, you know ?
I'm just a bad dude.
Okay, that's good, because we moved the fight
to first thing in the morning tomorrow.
Before school starts.
Everyone's gonna get there early.
Huh ?
That way, it won't matter if you get detention.
Eric, get your buns back over here, m'kay.
Wendy said she'd be here an hour before school starts.
See you in the morning, ch-ch-champ !
( banging )
Tomorrow morning !
You fucking die tomorrow morning !
( Mrs. Testaburger ) Wendy !
Yeah !
We need to talk to you right now.
Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school ?
What ? No !
Well, do you want to explain why
this little boy's mother had to come talk to us ?
( sniffling )
Did you tell this little boy
you were going to beat him up ?
You don't understand, he said horrible things.
The thing is, I totally said I was sorry,
but she still wants to beat me up.
( crying )
Wendy, no matter what a person says,
you don't respond with violence.
Haven't we taught you that ?
The thing is, Wendy,
I really think you're awesome,
and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you,
but I want to be your friend
because I don't have that many friends at schoooool...
( sobbing )
Wendy, you tell this little boy you aren't going to hurt him.
- Mom, you don't-- - Now, young lady !
I'm not going to hurt you.
If there is any word of you fighting at school,
it is over for you, missy, do you understand ?
Yes, Sir.
We're so sorry about this, Ms. Cartman.
Oh, no, thank you so much for your time.
( Mr. Testaburger ) It really won't happen again.
( Ms. Cartman ) You're very sweet, thank you again.
Come on, muffin.
Okay, Mommy.
♪ Mama, mama ♪
Man, it's almost time for school to start
and Wendy still isn't here.
Yeah, I don't know what's going on.
I mean, I showed up.
Where is she ?
How come Wendy's not showing up for the fight ?
Here she comes !
What's up, Wendy ?
I thought we were meeting early to fight.
You know I can't fight you.
Why not, you chicken ?
Bwawk bwak bwaaaak ! A bwok bwok bwaaack !
I can't fight you because you came
crying to my house last night with your Mom !
Pfft-- oh, that's a doozie, Wendy.
You come up with that one on your own ?
Yeah !
Did you come up with that one on your own ?
I ain't frontin', dawg.
Let's do this, let's do it right now, yo.
Come on, Wendy, kick his ass !
I can't !
( school bell ringing )
Goddamn it !
( Butters ) She chickened out !
[children]: Aww ! Man ! She chickened out !
I told you, guys.
Ugh, I'm glad that's over with.
Yeah, guess you dodged a bullet, Galahad.
I always knew deep down
that Wendy didn't have any b-b-balls.
And so we must all recycle...every day.
Recycling is important
and it will save our planet...Earth.
The end.
( Mr. Garrison ) Very nice, Clyde.
Okay, we have time for one more report before recess.
Who'd like to go ?
Okay, Eric.
( clearing throat ) Thank you.
My report today is on breast-cancer awareness.
I do not believe enough is being done.
And like the victims of breast cancer,
there's something I'd like to get off my chest.
( snickering )
We all must fight, and hopefully one day
titty cancer will be a distant mammary.
( snickering )
You unbelievable bastard.
You beat me, but you won't stop.
What did the breast cancer say to the Polish monkey ?
Okay, Eric, that's enough, you smart-ass !
Why ?!
Why are you doing this to me ?!
Why won't you just stop ?!
Wendy, Wendy !
( P.A. ) Wendy Testaburger to the principal's office please !
Wendy Testaburger to the principal's office.
God !
Ha-ha-haa haaaaaaaa !
( school bell ringing )
Wendy, I've been hearing rumors
about a fight between you and Eric Cartman.
No, Ma'am, there isn't going to be a fight.
Oh, no ? Are you sure ?
Yes, Ma'am.
I see.
I noticed all the things you've done for
breast-cancer awareness month.
Did you know I'm a breast-cancer survivor ?
Ma'am ?
I was diagnosed seven years ago.
Cancer is pure evil.
It is a fat little lump that needs to be destroyed.
When there is a cancer, you have to fight it.
You can't reason with cancer,
you can't wish it away.
Cancer doesn't play by the rules,
so neither can you.
My... parents said that if I fight--
And you can't listen to what anybody else tells you.
You have to be willing to give up everything
because the cancer will take everything.
Do you understand ?
Yes, Ma'am.
When you have cancer, you fight !
Because it doesn't matter if you beat it or not.
You refuse to let that fat little lump
make you feel powerless.
She's gonna fight !
Wendy's gonna fight Cartman right now !
What ?
[all cheering]
[all]: Fight's on, fight's on ! Come on, come on !
Go deep, Craig !
Not that deep, retard !
She's coming, she's coming !
Butters, get outta here !
But wendy's comin' to fight you !
Huh ?
[cheering]
- Let's go ! - Woo-hoo !
Oh, boy, here we go !
- All right ! - Yeah !
It's about freaking time.
All right, let's do it !
Wh-what's up, what's up ?
( whispering ) Wendy, don't forget
I'll tell my Mom on you.
I don't care !
Hee-hee-hee ! Hee-hee-hee, heh-heh !
Um, recess is almost over.
I don't know if there's really time.
Shut up and fight !
[all cheering]
All right, fine, Wendy !
I'll fight you, you big bully !
Ugh !
( panting )
( groaning )
( grunting )
[children]: Ooh !
( grunting )
[children]: Yay !
( groaning )
Fuck him up, Wendy !
( groaning )
( moaning )
Wendy ?
( panting )
I'm finished !
Hey, s-somebody call the principal !
( sniffling )
You don't have to say anything.
I know how it is.
I'm no longer the cool kid.
Now you all think I'm a faaaaag.
( crying )
My school life is over 'cause now
all the guys don't think I'm coooooool.
( sobbing )
Dude, we never thought you were cool.
That's not true.
You're just saying that.
No, really.
We've always thought you suck.
Yeah, nothing's changed.
Our opinion of you can't possibly go any lower.
( sniffling )
You're all just saying that to make me feel better.
No, it's true, we've always hated you.
Yeah.
Don't try and make me feel better, you guys !
It isn't...
Wait, wait a minute.
Why would you guys be saying stuff
to make me feel better ?
Unless... unless you do think I'm cool.
What ?
If you're all trying to make me feel better,
then you must still like me !
Oh, oh, whew !
Oh, here I've been so worried
about what you guys were gonna think of me
getting beat up by a girl,
and it turns out you think I'm cool no matter what !
Oh !
Oh, God, what a relief !
Ha-ha !
Yay !