♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ ( mumbling ) ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪♪
Kids, everyone together.
Welcome to Pioneer Village.
This is a re-creation of early Colorado days.
I want you all to meet pioneer Paul.
Hi, kids, welcome to my village.
I settled here in 1864 with my maw and paw.
Sure thing, I ain't never seen strange clothes like you all are wearin' !
And what's that fancy yellow horse carriage you got out there ?
- Ugh. - This is gonna suck.
When y'all are ready, just head up to the village.
All the townsfolk are there to answer your questions.
And welcome to 1864.
Sit 'em up !
Thank you, pioneer Paul.
All right, kids, this is a big place
so I want everyone to pick a partner to hold hands with.
Let's be partners, Kenny.
No, I'm partners with Craig.
Oh, okay.
Stan, let's be partners, dude.
No, I'm with Wendy.
Ugh, you wanna hold hands with a girl ?
Gaywad.
All right, let's be partners, Kyle.
I hate you, remember ?
You wanna be partners, Jimmy ?
Jesus, what have I ever done to you ?
Craig ? Token ?
Who... who else needs a partner ?
Uh, who else needs a partner ?
Eric, partner with Butters.
God damn it.
Hold Butters' hand, Eric !
That isn't necessary !
Butters, you are not to let go of Eric's hand
until you are both back on that bus !
Do you understand ?
I understand.
All right, let's head in.
- You can let go now, Butters. - No.
Butters, come on.
No !
All right, kids, go ahead and visit the charming villagers and learn stuff.
Keep track of your partner.
Why, howdy partners.
I'm the town blacksmith.
Are you folks settlers or are ya just trappers passin' through ?
Uh, look, can we just drop the role-playing thing ?
I would play along, but my girlfriend's here,
and I don't wanna look like a total dork in front of her.
Thanks, Stan.
These folks sure are strange, Smithy.
We ain't never seen them kind of fancy hats in our time, have we ?
That guy's wearing a digital watch.
Oh, jeez...
Damn it, Chad.
Sorry, I'm sorry.
Well, howdy partners, I'm the town gunsmith.
You see, in our time, it's pretty violent.
See them holes in the walls ?
That's so we can put rifles through to protect us from injuns.
I wanna shoot an Indian !
Now, some of you might wanna meet Abigail
at the candle-makin' house
or you can head over to the general store.
You see any injuns?
Nah, it's just the city and a--
Oh, my Jesus Christ, monkey balls.
Super Phun Thyme.
Dude, check it out !
We're only two blocks from a Super Phun Thyme !
They got video games and rides and everything !
Oh, that's cool.
Well come on, Eric, we need to catch up with everyone.
Dude, screw this place.
We gotta go to Super Phun Thyme !
Oh, no, I'm not sneaking out !
I'll get in trouble !
Fine, then let go of my hand.
Teacher said I can't let go 'til we're back on the bus !
Well, which is it gonna be, Butters ?
Are you gonna ditch out with me
or are you gonna disobey the teacher's stupid rule ?
I'm not letting go !
Fine, then you're coming with me.
No, Eric !
Butters, let go, God damn it !
No !
Teacher, teacher !
This here is our general store.
It's where I buy all my supplies and sich.
Howdy, partners, I own this har general store !
Look, Stan, they had beefjerky back then.
What do you mean "back then" ?
Don't forget, it's 1864.
Right, except for it really isn't.
Sure it is, just look around you.
( sirens in distance )
what's that ?
Sounds like police sirens.
What's a sireen?
We ain't never heard-a no sireen in 1864.
( tires screeching )
We lost 'em ! We lost 'em !
Damn, pig cops !
Close that gate !
- What's going on ? - I don't know.
Everyone, down on the ground now !
Whoa now, I'm Sheriff Mclawdog.
I settled here back in 1850--
Jesus Christ !
We gotta call the police !
Where's your phone ?
A phone ?
Why, what's a phone ?
We ain't never heard of sich a thang.
- What ?! - Come on !
This is serious !
Store hand, you ever heard of this fancy-smancy fone?
Uh, no.
We ain't got a phone in our time.
Dude, they just shot a guy in the face.
We gotta call the cops !
If you mean the law,
only law round here is town sheriff, Mclawdog.
You see, 1864 is a time of growth and development
in the old west--
This is not the time for that !
Oh, man, this is gonna be awesome !
Butters, if you don't let go of my hand,
everyone here is going to think we're gay.
Well, that's your problem !
All right, Butters, I've seriously had enough !
( grunting )
Jesus Christ !
One please.
Make that two !
Aww, aren't you two cute, holdin' hands.
Are you special little buddies ?
- No ! - No !
Dude, this place shreds !
What should we do first ?
We should get back to Pioneer Village,
that's what we should do !
Butters, we're going to get back
before anybody even notices we were gone.
Let's go hit the bumper cars !
Over here, this looks like an office.
Here ! Here's a phone !
Why, what a straaaange contraption !
I can't get a dial tone.
What's the number to dial out ?
"Dial out" ?
Partner, them are some funny words you're usin'.
Dude, do you understand what's going on here !?
Maybe they're right, Brian.
I mean, this is a special circumstance--
[grunts]
Ha... I mean, this here room sure is strange.
We have nothing like these fancy devices in our time.
Yeah, I'll say.
I got through-- hello, police ?
9-1-1 , what's your emergency ?
There's some terrorists or bank robbers or something
that've taken our class hostage.
Taken hostage where ?
The old Pioneer Village off of Kipling.
You mean that annoying place where employees won't break character ?
Sister, you don't know the half of it.
Check it out, dude, I'm a spaceman !
Spaceman, yes !
♪ I'm having a Super Phun Thyme day ♪
Yeah, get that guy ! Shoot that guy !
Yeah, now over here !
Ha-ha-ha-ha ! Oh, you got it ! Nice !
♪ Super Phun Thyme please don't go away ♪
What are you oglin' at ?!
♪ No more worries or cares ♪
♪ It's Super Phun Thyme ♪
- Oh, man, whoa ! - Whoa !
♪ The answer to my prayers ♪
♪ Super Phun Thyme ♪
♪ Super Phun Thyme you're all I need ♪
Yeah, fire it up !
♪ Super Phun Thyme 'til I freakin' bleed ♪
♪ I want you morning noon and night ♪
♪ Super Phun Thyme ♪
Yeah, bumper cars ! Sweet !
♪ You make my life so right ♪
♪ Super Phun Thyme ♪
That's it, Eric. We have to be getting back !
Aww, just a few more things.
No, if we don't leave right now,
we're gonna miss the bus
and then they'll know we left !
[sighs] I guess you're right, Butters.
All right, come on.
Set up the satellite relay.
Check for alternate routes out of the area.
Unfortunately, your police department
got wind of our robbery and chased after us.
That is unfortunate for you,
because when I think it is clear to leave
we will now need to take hostages with us
to insure our goods get to their final destination.
Please, if you must take anyone, don't take me.
These kids are worth more to you.
( sirens approaching )
How did they find us ?
Get the loot out of the car and stash it in that building.
( guns cocking )
All right, men, listen up.
Looks like our thieves tried to hide out here.
They've got the employees and some school kids held hostage.
Tucker, Dillon, set up a perimeter.
Everyone stay on your toes.
These are professionals we're dealing with here.
What did they rob, sir ?
A Burger King.
All right, good, is that all of it ?
No, don't forget we got these too.
Excellent.
Now, listen, everyone, we're going to be all right.
This is only a small hitch in our plan.
I'd like to speak with the chief of police.
"Who is this ?"
This is the man who is going to kill an entire class of fourth-graders
if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.
Why aren't the cops coming in ?
They must be negotiating.
Them there bandits sure look mighty strange.
And them pistols is way bigger than what's we gots !
Will you shut up ?
Wait, you have guns here ?
Sure, sheriff got lots of rifles in his office.
Well, why don't you go get them and bring them back here.
All righty, come on, store hand.
Yepper !
Oh, man, I can't wait to see the look on Kyle's face
when we tell him we had Super Phun Thyme
while he was at the dumb Pioneer Village.
We're not telling anybody !
I don't want to get in trouble.
And I didn't have a Super Phun Thyme anyways !
Butters, you gotta learn to chill.
Life goes by pretty fast.
If you don't stop and look around once in while
and do whatever you want all the time,
you could miss it.
Yeah, well, I guess that's kinda true.
Uh-oh.
Crap, they called the cops on us.
What ?! They called the cops ?!
They must have realized we left-- damn.
Oh, my god, the police are looking for us !
Shh, shh, Butters !
We're gonna get it now !
Butters, Butters, calm down. I know a way out this.
You just got me busted forever.
( crying )
Butters, listen to me, listen.
No.
All we have to do is sneak back inside without the cops seeing us.
Then we can say we were inside all along.
You said they wouldn't notice we were gone.
You promised.
If we sneak back inside, we can say we never left, all right ?
All right, now let go of my hand.
- No. - Butters--
You made me break one rule.
I'm not breaking the other !
It's all I have now.
All right, come on.
Keep the hostages from talking and search for holdouts.
Everyone check in at two-minute intervals.
I hope you have good news, Orlich.
The police have us completely surrounded on all sides.
There's no way we're getting out above ground without being spotted.
Above ground ?
Look, I found this at the rear of the park.
It's an old mine shaft.
But Pioneer Village was sued when a kid died in it,
so they closed it down and protected it with a huge metal door with a coded lock.
So if we can get into the shaft,
we can tunnel our way around the police.
Excellent.
One more thing, Franz.
I want my share of the take now.
What's the matter, Orlich, lose your sense of trust ?
I was just thinking maybe we get through that tunnel,
then you take the loot to Berlin and I never see you again.
I want my cut.
Very well.
I'm going to ask you again.
What is the door code to the tunnel ?
I told ya, mister,
what would I know about a door code ?
I'm just a simple blacksmith.
With my trusty forge,
I makes all the metalworks for the village-- ugh !
You are an employee here,
that means you are required to know the door code
for fire-code reasons,
Mr. David Palmer of Colorado Springs.
My name ain't Palmer, it's ol' Smithy.
And we ain't never heard-a no fire code.
Why, we gots to put fires out ourselves when the-- ugh !
That's it.
Tell me the code or you die.
( weeping )
one, two...
- I... - Yes ?
I don't know nothin' about no fancy door code.
I'm just a simple blacksmith.
Blah !
These Pioneer Village workers are really committed to their job.
No, please, don't hurt me !
Give us the code to that door and we can leave !
I never heard of something called a door code.
Please, can't you ask some other way ?!
I don't have time for your stupid game !
Tell me or you die right now !
All right, all right !
Look, it's just one of those Jinkins home-security locks.
You press the top button and then enter one--
( gunshot ) Ahghgh !
( all gasping )
What he meant to say, kids,
is that we ain't never heard of no fancy door code
'cause in our time, we gots to rely on wood locks and sich.
God damn it, you people are fucking insane !
I don't believe it.
Domino, Volski, find out if there are any other
employees or students wandering about !
Bring them here or shoot them !
Oh, crap, we gotta hide. Come on !
Yeah, we gotta g-g-g-get the hell outta here f-f-f-fa-fast.
Sector bravo, no activity.
Jeez, the cops are looking for us everywhere.
Don't worry, they're not gonna find us 'til we're safely back inside.
Look, see that traffic signal down there ?
If we can climb across that,
we can jump to the tree branch and then we're home free.
That looks dangerous.
Not getting busted always is, Butters.
Come on.
Ughgh... ughggh !
Good, that's got it.
Good, good !
All right, let's head across.
Go easy... good.
Oh, gosh in heaven.
It's all right, we got it no problem--
- Wah ! - Whoa !
- Save me ! - I'm gonna fall !
Whahggh !
Whagh ! Whagh !
Oh, dude, lame.
Frolich, check in.
Have you found any other employees ?
( man ) We found somebody !
We found this guy in the jail of the sheriff's office.
( gasping )
You let out Murderin' Murphey !
Y'all are gonna get it for puttin' me in that thar jail !
Stop it !
Stop your bad historical acting right now !
Tarnation !
Why'd you let Murderin' Murphey go !
He's a bad man !
I am the fucking bad man !
Do you get that ?!
Knock it off and give me the mine-shaft access code !
Yer just gonna have to kill us, mister,
'cause you ain't making no sense t'all.
I won't kill you if you don't tell me.
I'll kill one of them !
Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me !
You want to see a child die ?
No, they don't want to see a child die !
I am so disappointed in myself.
Teacher gave me a responsibility.
I was just supposed to look after my partner and I blew it.
Don't be too hard on yourself, Butters.
You can't help being a douche bag.
Wait, Butters, look !
This is it, this is our chance !
Swing over, Butters, go !
Heh !
Quick-- are you ready ? We gotta jump !
Let's do it !
Ready ?! Go !
- Heh ! - Hagh !
What about you ?
Will you tell us the access code
or do you want to see this kid die ?
I'm sorry, I'm a woman,
and women in our time ain't allowed to know
the carrings on of the town propa!
God damn it !
Dude, they're gonna kill Kenny !
I can't let them do it.
I've got to make the ultimate sacrifice.
Stan ?
Where are you going, Stan ?
Wendy, I have to do something.
Please look away.
All right, that does it.
On the count of three, this child dies.
One, two...
Give them the fucking door code !
Well, howdy thar, strangers !
Sorry to interrupt ye,
but I done come from Pagosa Springs
to buy me some wares n' sitch.
Oh, welcome partner !
- Howdy ! Welcome ! - Howdy there !
What-what are you doing ?
I heard y'all had some difficulty
with a criminal gettsin' outta yer jail.
That's right, Murderin' Murphey !
He's crazy 'cause somebody killed his paw.
They killed my paw!
I reckon that maybe you could make a jail door
that opened with numbers instead of keys.
You know, like a biiiig safe.
Yeah, I understand that.
Finally, a feller that talks some sense !
If'n y'all was to have such a giant safe,
what would you villagers want the number to be
to unlock that thar jail door shuck 'em up?
Oh, well, I reckon the easiest number to remember
for any big safe door lock would be... 1864.
Yup, 1864, 'cause that's the year it is.
1864.
Orlich, we have the door code, start packing up.
We'll take the hostages with us.
No, you got your door code, let us go !
Copy that.
What's the code ? Over.
Sweet, there's still cops looking for us in here.
All right, follow my lead, Butters.
Oh, man, hasn't this place been fascinating, Butters ?
Yeah, it sure has.
Oh, I just don't know what I've liked better,
the historical buildings and artifacts
or the... or the...
Or the witty anecdotes of the townspeople.
Witty anecdotes, yes, that's been-- that's been awesome.
Been a hoot, all right !
Get your hands behind your head !
What did we do ?
We've been here the whole time.
Shut up, put your hands behind your head !
Do it now !
Let go of each other !
Huh-uh.
Do what I tell you !
Our teacher said we have to hold hands the whole time we're here !
Let go or else I'll put a bullet through your hands
and make you let go !
Butters.
- Now ! - No !
Agh !
Jesus christ !
Ahghgh ! Ahghgh !
Go ! Go take care of it !
I'll stay with the hostages !
Hey, Murderin' Murphey, you see that there feller ?
Yeah.
He done killed yer pawr.
What ?
I'll rip his head off !
Ahghgh !
We've got a chance ! Hostages are clear !
They're comin' in !
Ahahghg !
Argh !
[All screaming]
Move, move, move !
Hostages are secure at the park entrance !
I gots you now, pioneer Paul !
They should-a never let you out a jail, Murderin' Murphey !
( grunting )
Blargh !
Freeze scumbag, it's all over !
( guns cocking )
( gagging )
Murderin' Murphey's gonna kill pioneer Paul !
Stop right now, it's over !
( gagging )
[music playing]
( man on loudspeaker ) Howdy, partners, it's 5:00.
Pioneer Village is now closed for the day.
Head back to your wagons and have a safe trip home.
- We made it ! - We made it !
[All cheering]
Oh, God, I can't wait to get out of this dress !
- Yeah, woo-hoo ! - That was great !
Uh, listen, if anyone still wants to know,
the phone is in the administration building.
You dial nine to get out.
And there's actually a back exit behind the horse troughs.
Good night, everybody, thanks for comin' !
We did it, guys !
Let's go to T.G.I. Fridays and get some jalapeno poppers !
- Yeah, that'd be great ! - All right !
- Oh, yeah, jalapeno poppers ! - Let's go !
( police radio chatter )
Stan, you were really brave in there,
but you did kinda sound like a big dork.
I know.
Come on, you !
You're hurting my arm !
Too bad !
You'll be going away for a long time.
Was it worth it ?
In a way, it was.
I might not have gotten away,
but at least I learned a lot about pioneer life in the old west.
Those early settlers didn't have the modern conveniences
we all take for granted today.
To think how difficult it was back in those times
to do something as simple as washing your clothes.
Pioneer Village has a lot to teach us all.
That's true.
Hey, look.
( groaning )
Teacher, my partner is back on the bus.