♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ ( mumbling ) ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪♪
Get off the internet, Stanley, it's time for bed.
Mom, I just gotta do a couple more things.
Now, Stanley.
The internet will be waiting for you in the morning.
Off !
Aw, man.
Shelley, off the internet it's bedtime !
Mom, I'm i-chatting with my boyfriend in Montana !
Now, Shelley !
Why do you hate me ?!
Randy, off the internet.
No !
No, come on ! Leave me alone !
No, Mister, it's time for night-night.
But, Sharon, I got stuff to do !
I gotta see my credit rating
and I gotta send an e-mail to Nelson
and check out Foley's vacation photos.
You don't have to do all that now.
You can do one more thing and then it's bedtime.
One more thing.
( woman ) Aie, akaita...
( pants unzipping ) Ooh, yeah.
( rooster crowing )
( alarm buzzing )
What the hell ?
- Stan, Stan, I gotta use your computer. - What ?
My internet's not working, I gotta use yours.
And give Daddy some private time, will ya ?
- My internet's not working either. - What ?!
Dad, the internet's not working !
I know that, okay ?!
I have to get online with my darling Amir
before school starts !
Randy, I can't get my e-mail to open.
Everyone, just-just calm down !
Calm down, all right ?
It's going to be okay, we just can't panic !
( doorbell ringing )
Gerald, please help us.
Randy, what happened ?
Our house...it has no internet.
Oh, my God.
We've got nothing.
It's just gone.
Come in.
You can use our internet
until you figure out what to do.
Thank you, Gerald.
I'm getting on it first.
Oh, no, you're not !
Kyle, I need to use your internet.
It's not working.
What ?!
I've even unplugged it and plugged it back in.
No, no, our internet can't be broken.
I've got to get an attachment
Larry sent me last night.
It's not working, Gerald.
But it has to work-- maybe if i--
Your internet's not working, Gerald, face it !
I have to get online before school.
What about Starbucks? They have free internet.
Right, Starbucks!
Everyone get your stuff, we can take my car !
Hey, is your guys' internet working ?
No, nobody's is.
What's happening ?!
Jesus, everyone's gonna go to Starbucks now.
Everyone in the car.
We have to beat them there.
( all screaming )
( glass shattering )
God, the whole neighborhood's affected.
Get out of the way, Peterson !
( all yelling )
Folks, there's no internet here !
It's not working, I tell you.
It's not working here ?
Kids, get back in the car.
We can go to the Mac store.
No, don't, you're wasting your time.
How do you know ?
Because we just came from there.
There was nothing-- not one scrap of internet.
How can there be no internet anywhere ?
What's going on ?
Anybody got a Blackberry?
Check Drudge Report.
Good idea !
No, wait, we can't check Drudge Report.
There's no internet !
There has to be a way to find out what's going on.
We can't-- don't you get it ?!
There's no internet to find out
why there's no internet !
What did we used to do
to get the news before the internet ?
( gasping ) A television !
Yargh !
Once again, we apologize
but we cannot bring you the news.
It appears that we have no internet here at news 4.
We'll be happy to bring you up on current events
just as soon as our internet is back.
Jesus, it's statewide.
It could be nationwide.
Hello, do you have internet ?
It's channel 4 news.
No, we don't have internet either.
No internet anywhere.
Jesus...we're all alone.
( coughing )
What's the matter ?
I don't know.
I need to get on WebMD and see
why I have this cough but I can't !
( coughing )
What if my sweetheart is online looking for me ?
He could be wondering
why I don't get online with him.
Maybe he thinks I'm dead.
If my darling Amir gets another internet girlfriend
I'm gonna kill him !
And you !
Ahgh, ahggh, aghgh !
Shelley !
Shelley, whoa, stop, stop !
Dad, you gotta do something !
She's outta control !
You're right.
We can't just sit here any longer.
Randy, where will you go ?
We're gonna head west.
There's a rumor going around
there might be some internet out there.
So we're headin' out Californee way.
You don't know if there's any internet in California.
Well, there certainly ain't none here !
Look, maybe it's time you all face reality.
The internet here is dryin' up.
It could come back.
Yeah, and maybe it won't.
In the meantime, I got a family
who needs internet right away.
We'll head out Californee way and...
see what we can find.
Come on, let's go.
Look, if you...If you do find internet,
let us know, will ya ?
How ?
You won't have internet.
Sorry, folks, we're full up.
Know anywhere else we can stay ?
We're headin' out Californee way.
Lookin' for some internet.
You and everyone else.
You'll have to stay out at the transient camp
with all the others headin' to Californee.
It's about a mile down the road.
♪ I'm goin' down the road ♪
♪ Feelin' bad ♪
♪ I'm goin' down the road ♪
♪ Feelin' bad ♪
♪ I'm goin' down the road ♪
♪ Feeling bad oh lordy ♪
♪ My internet done up and went away ♪
( crying )
Where are you from old-timer ?
Kansas City.
Had me a store there,
a kind of computer-supply store.
When the internet went, the stores went too.
Things'll be different when we get out to Californee.
Soon as we get us some internet
we can all rest easy.
Why sure, Silicon Valley.
They gots a whole mess of internet up there.
Say a man can practically roll around in it.
When I get to that internet,
I'm gonna click on just about everything in sight.
Might even click on a pop-up ad
just for the heck of it.
I'm gonna sit down at that internet
and just start e-mailin'.
Just keep on e-mailin'
'til my fingers are sore to the bone.
Sure will be nice.
You folks all headin' to Silicon Valley ?
That's right, we need to get online.
Ha-ha !
"Get online," he says.
What's so funny about that ?
Think about it.
How many folk headin' out to Californee ?
A million ? More ?
And how much internet you think they got out there ?
Might be some internet, sure,
but with everyone tryin' to use it at once,
it's gonna go real slow-like.
I knows because I seen it.
My two children,
they tried to load a webpage.
Took them over three days.
They sat there, waitin'.
By the time the loading bar was only half full,
they was dead.
Starved on the internet
with their bellies stuck out like a pig bladder.
( crying )
come on, Stan, let's get some rest.
( crying )
Amir...
I miss you so much.
Don't cry, Shelley.
You'll be able to get online when we get to Californee.
Ugh !
( weeping )
Everyone, wake up, we're here !
Silicon Valley, Californee !
Name ?
Do they have internet here ?
Name ?
Marsh.
Service provider ?
Netzero.
All right, stay in line.
Once you're inside, red cross volunteers
will direct you to your campsite.
So is there internet here ?
( man ) Stay in line and get to your campsite.
Excuse me, we're lookin' for some internet.
Yeah, they got it here.
All right !
But there ain't enough to go around.
All they got is a little internet.
Barely a bar a signal.
So they have to ration it out carefully.
You sign up over there
and use your time when they call your name.
Each family gets 40 seconds of internet per day.
40 seconds ?!
That ain't even long enough to check Wikipedia!
Well, it's all we got, so we gotta make do.
Look, honey, I ordered us some books on Amazon.
All right, time's up.
No, no, wait !
I haven't entered the shipping information !
No, no !
Next, Grady, John H.
Aw, how am I suppose to see internet porn that way ?
What did you say ?
Uh, you go ahead, Sharon.
Divide some internet amongst the children.
I gotta go talk to somebody.
( reporter ) And that's about all we know.
There might be some internet still in California
and parts of Florida.
Though, we certainly still don't have any here.
A fax-- a fax is coming through !
Oh, yay, a fax !
- A fax ! - It's a fax, it's a fax !
We got a fax, we got a fax !
Uh-- oh !
It says: "the government has sent their best people
to the internet in order to repair it."
We gotta send a reporter out to the internet !
Where is the internet ?
Gentlemen, the president is very angry
that his internet still isn't working.
We've tried everything, Sir.
But the internet has slowed to a trickle
and we can't get it working correctly.
Take me down below.
I want to see the internet for myself.
Here it is, general...
The internet.
So what's wrong with it ?
See that flashing orange light in the middle ?
It's supposed to be solid green.
My God.
Ha-ha-ha, the dancingkitty.com.
I wonder what that is ?
"Click on the dancing kitty and you could win a prize."
All right, time's up.
No, wait, I just clicked on the kitty.
I got it !
No, it wasn't long enough !
No !
Next, Nelson, Peter T.
Excuse me, I need to, uh,
have some private internet time.
Look, we're just trying to get by here.
Everyone's gotta take what they can get.
I haven't jacked off in over two weeks.
So jack off.
You don't understand.
I need the internet to jack off.
I... got used to being able to see anything
at the click of a button, you know ?
Once you jack off to Japanese girls
puking in each other's mouths,
you can't exactly go back to Playboy.
What do you want us to do ?
Pick up the whole computer
and put it inside for ten minutes just for you ?
Three minutes would be plenty.
Get lost !
Oh !
All right, each of you take a ticket.
When they call your name, you can use the internet.
What number are you, turd ?
851 .
You're 923 now.
Hey-- Mom ?!
Shelley, give your brother his ticket back.
Can't you all see I'm in pain ?
Nobody understands pure love !
Amir and I are closer
than anybody in this stupid family !
Ugh... aghghg...
Psst-- Hey, over here.
You... happen to be lookin' for internet porn ?
Yeah, how'd you know ?
Lots of us fellas came here for that reason.
We all got used to seeing
lots of really perverted stuff on the internet
so now we can't go back to Playboy.
I know, right ?!
Anyway, we got us a simulator.
You just call out what you wanna see
and then say "click."
"Internet porn simulator."
Give it a try.
Uh, Japanese girls exchanging bodily fluids.
Click.
( hurried scribbling )
Oh, this sucks !
I can't jack off to this !
Damn it.
( pants unzipping )
Uh, let's see-- interracial gangbang.
Click.
( scribble-scribble )
Argh.
She-males, let's try she-males.
Click.
( scribble-scribble )
Bestiality-- click on that.
Uh, uh...
Brazilian fart fetish porn !
Click, click.
Uh, uh... nope...
No, this isn't gonna work.
It's just not the same.
Well, sorry.
That'll be $49 on your credit card.
Well, at least that part's like the internet.
( reporter ) We now have a reporter on the scene !
Let's go live !
Tom, I'm at the internet,
where government officials are doing their best
to get it running again.
All right, internet, what do you want from us ?
If we've angered you somehow, let us know.
Try to communicate with it digitally again.
( 3 "Close Encounters" notes )
( again, but flat last note )
I've had it with this thing.
Fire a warning shot at it.
Hey, wait a minute...
Is it possible that...
What is it, Kyle ?
I think... I know what's wrong.
This is taking too long !
When do I get to use the internet ?
It's gotta be our turn soon.
All right, folks, it's bedtime.
No more internet for today.
[all shouting]
No, no, we're locking it away 'til tomorrow.
Everyone get to bed.
[all shouting]
Ahghgh !
Ahh !
Hmm...
Ha, finally...I'm online again !
Yes !
Japanese girls puke in each other's mouths.
[girl speaking Japanese]
( girl vomiting )
[girl speaking Japanese]
Oh, nice... whoa.
( vomiting )
[girl speaking Japanese]
Now let's see some...bestiality.
[woman]: Oh, oh, oh... [elephant trumpeting )
Oh, yeah, oh, oh, oh...
Ughgh, yes, ugh !
Let's get some Brazilian fart porn in there.
( farting )
( woman ) Oh...
( farting )
Oh, that's got it !
Oh !
Oahgghgh !
Urhgghgh, urhgghghgh !
What is that ?
Sounds like someone's being attacked by a tiger.
Arhghghgh, ahrhgghgh !
Get the keys ! We gotta get in there !
Ahghggh, ahghgghhh...
Ahhh...
( all gasping )
Ahhhhhh.
What the...
Dad ?
Randy !
Oh, uh... there was a-- there was a ghost !
This is ectoplasm !
Did you see the ghost ?
It ran through here and slimed me !
You son of a bitch !
Huh, no, it wasn't me.
It was a spooky ghost !
This is our last chance.
With nowhere else to turn, the government is going to
allow one brave nine-year-old boy
to attempt his method to get the internet running again.
It all comes down to this.
Can the little Jewish boy reason with the internet
or will it be gone forever ?
All clear for procedure.
All right, let's do it.
Look, the flashing yellow light is steady green now !
He did it !
- I've got internet ! - Me too !
Internet activity in all sectors, Sir !
[all cheering]
I've got internet !
Me too !
It's back !
[all cheering]
It's back ? It's back !
( laughing )
It's working !
I can i-chat with my darling Amir now !
Shelley... Shelley Marsh ?
What ?
It's me, Amir.
Oh... hey.
Your family came here too, huh ?
Yeah.
So, uh, I guess I'll e-mail you
as soon as I get back home.
Yeah, okay, sounds good.
Okay, see ya.
♪ We're back together ♪
♪ We're back together ♪♪
And so what have we learned through this ordeal ?
The internet went away, it came back.
But for how long we do not know.
We cannot take the internet for granted any longer.
We as a country must stop over-logging on.
We must use the internet only when we need it.
It's easy for us to think
we can just use up all the internet we want,
but if we don't treat the internet
with the respect... ( microphone feeding back )
... that it deserves,
it could one day be gone forever.
So let us learn to live with the internet,
not for it.
No more browsing for no apparent reason.
No more mindlessly surfing on our laptops
while watching television.
And finally,
we must learn to only use the internet for porn
twice a day... max.
( cheers & applause )