♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ ( mumbling ) ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪♪
( school bell ringing )
It's like my whole life has just been one big screw up, you know ?
I admit it, I was-- I was sexually lost, I--
and then I see this person on Oprah.
She's a woman,
but then she got a sex change and became a man,
but then she got pregnant and is having a baby
which means she's still a woman all along.
That means I'm really still a man !
I still feel like a man !
Are we gonna get tested on this ?
This sex change was a big mistake. Okay ?
I was on a lot of pain killers at the time,
and I thought it was what I wanted.
Dude, you wanna do some math problems ?
And then I go to the doctor, right,
and I say, "doctor, I wanna go back to being a man."
And he says, "Well, there's been too much damage.
"You can't go back.
Where are you gonna find a penis ?"
What do you mean, "Where am I gonna find a penis ?"
I'm a man !
I deserve a God damned penis !
Agh !
Ugh !
( Principal Victoria ) Mr. Garr-- Mr. Garrison ?!
Could we speak with you, please ?
What do you want ? I'm trying to teach.
Uh, we think it's best you not teach
until you get your personal life in order, m'kay ?
Oh, it's so easy for you, Mackey.
You have a penis !
Okay, students, uh, obviously we've
had a little emergency with your teacher,
so while we deal with this,
we need one of you to lead the class
and review for tomorrow's quiz.
Oh, me, me, me !
Me, me, me !
Me, right here, right here, right here !
Uh, who else would like to be teacher for the day ?
Anybody else ?
Ugh, hughghghh ! Principal Victoria, over here !
Ungh !
Any other volunteers perhaps ?
Hughghghh ! Principal Victoria, Principal...
All right, all right, fine. Eric, you lead the class.
Yes !
Now just lead a review over
whatever Mr. Garrison's been teaching you
and I'll be back to check on your shortly.
Well, well, well... who's teacher now ?
Yeah, who's teacher ?
You're not the teacher, fat ass.
That's Mr. Cartman now, Kyle !
And you will be wise not to interrupt my class
unless you want to be suspended !
Yeah.
Mmm, yeah, you like that ?
All right, Clyde, you're first.
Get up here.
Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde.
( sobbing )
( reporter ) And so it appears
that the local farmers' market could be soon facing complete closure.
In other news tonight,
a South Park bio company is coming under fire
for genetically engineering
body parts onto laboratory mice.
This picture of a mouse genetically altered to grow a human ear
has already sparked waves of protest.
What ?
But the scientists say the process could help thousands of people
who have become disfigured and need ears or noses.
Holy freakin' Jesus.
Using common genetics and cartilage scaffolding,
we can graft almost any body part onto a mouse
and allow it to develop.
Here's the mouse you saw on television.
Once the ear fully forms, it can be transplanted onto a person.
Doctor, what about a penis ?
Well, a penis is something a man puts into a woman's vagina.
No, no, if I gave you some of my DNA,
could you grow a penis on a mouse for me ?
You don't understand,
doing this stuff is very expensive,
and we've never tried a penis before--
there's no guarantee it would work.
I will give you all the money I have to just try.
Please !
Doctor, I'm a man trapped in a woman's body.
I need a penis.
All right, all right, let's see what we can do.
Eric, we've called you in to commend you
for your role as student teacher.
Hey, don't commend me !
It's the students fault for being so stupid !
"Commend" means you've done a great job, Eric, m'kay ?
After leading your class through review,
your schoolmates scored higher than they ever have on their tests.
Whatever you did really worked on them.
Oh, well, thank you.
I believe strict discipline along with compassion
for my students is catamite to their learning.
These gentlemen from the Denver County school board
have something they want to ask you.
Young man, word of your success as a student teacher
has started the whole board thinking.
We would like you to try your methods on one of our inner-city school classes.
These kids just won't listen to any adult teachers,
and since you handled your class so well...
How'd you like to give it a shot ?
That sounds like a chance to really make an impact
on some students who need it most.
How much will you pay me ?
300 bucks !
Did you hear what I said, you guys ?
My awesome teaching skills is gonna earn me 300 bucks !
You're not an awesome teacher.
Whatever, the whole class scored super high on the tests.
The only reason we scored high was because we took the answers
out of Garrison's desk, and you know it !
Yes, but whose idea was it
to take the answers out of Garrison's desk ?
Kenny's !
- Yeah, that was my idea. - Oh, yeah.
But whatever, I'm gonna go teach those underprivileged inner-city students
and really turn their lives around.
Do you know what those kids are going to do to you ?
A little middle-class white boy telling them what to do ?
They are going to fucking murder you.
Maybe he's right.
I better be careful how I look.
( razor buzzing )
( school bell ringing )
( metal detector beeping )
( all talking )
Students, quiet !
Quiet please !
Give me your attention !
I'll give you my attention...
All night long, Mrs. Miller.
You're on thin ice, Rodriguez !
Now listen up.
The Denver County school board has sent over a special guest teacher.
[all]: Ooooohhhhh !
This may be your last shot at graduating from high school at all !
I want you to welcome... Eric Cartmanez.
( speaking with Spanish accent ) Hello, students.
I am Eric Cartmanez, your new teacher.
What the hell is this ?
I am here... To teach you calculus.
I think you're going to be very pleased with the progress, Ms. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison !
Sorry, Mr. Garrison.
Your DNA has replicated and grafted very successfully with the mouse.
And so... here's your penis.
Wow, my penis looks great !
Yes, it's a fantastic penis.
Congratulations.
How long before it's ready ?
Well, it still has some forming to do, but fairly soon.
Let me see if it feels right in my hand.
No, don't open the--
- (mouse squeaking) - Oh, no !
( mouse squeaking )
Don't let it get out of the lab !
My penis !
Stop, penis ! Come back here !
Okay, everyone take a silly bus
and pass it to the amigo behind you.
Hey, man, what the hell do you think you're doing ?
Yeah !
Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into college.
Getting into college ?!
Man, we ain't getting into no college ! Fuck you !
[all jabbering]
(sighs) How do I reeech these keeeds?
The reason that you think you can't get into college,
is because you haven't been taught
how to cheat properly.
How do you think white people always get ahead ?
Because we cheat all the time--
I mean because they cheat all the time.
This is Bill Beeelichick,
coach of the New England Patriots.
He's won three Super Bowls.
How ? He cheated.
He even got caught cheating and nobody cared.
Bill Beeelichick proved that in America it's okay to cheat,
as long as you cheat your way to the top.
Hey, I don't wanna be called a cheater.
No, no, if you cheat and fail, you're a cheater.
If you cheat and succeed, you're savvyyyy.
This is bullshit !
I don't want to waste my time learning to cheat !
Go ahead, the door's right there.
Bye, bye, have fun, we will miss you.
( sighing ) How do I reeech these keeeds?
Boys !
Boys, have you seen my penis ?
What ?
My penis is on the loose !
If you see it, just try to catch it with some cheese !
Ow, that hurt my brains.
Owwwww.
Nice form, compadre.
Hey, I walked out of your class, teacher.
Look, I don't wanna argue with you
about the merits of cheating.
Who wants to argue on a nice day like theeees ?
How about a little pick-up game ?
( whistling ) Hey, petano !
Can you keep score for us ?
Sure thing, Mr. C.
Okay, you start on defense, amigo.
Aghg !
Oh, that's one to nothing, amigo.
You cheated !
What's the score, effe ?
Okay, let's go, your turn.
Aahghg !
That's two to noteeeng, amigo.
Fuck you, man ! You can't do that !
Look at the scoreboard, amigo.
No matter how many times you say I cheated,
the scoreboard says two-nothing.
I know what you're trying to say,
but I still don't agree with it.
Two to nothing, essa.
Two to nothing.
( sighing ) How do I reech these keeeds ?
( humming )
( mouse squeaking )
What is that ?
( mouse squeaking )
Eeeeeeek !
Eeeeek !
Eeeeeeeeeek ! Eeeeeeeekk !
Stephen, Stephen, come quick !
What is it, dear ?
A penis is loose in our kitchen !
A penis ?
Yes, it just ran across the floor !
Now, darling, calm down.
Calm down nothing !
I don't want that penis running through my house !
Oh, women-- always afraid of penises.
There, there you see it ?
Oh, it's just a little penis, darling.
I don't care, it's probably got all kinds of diseases.
( mouse squeaking )
Hey, wait, I think that's teacher's penis !
- Your teacher's penis ? - Yeah, that must be his.
Butters,
how do you know what your teacher's penis looks like ?
Huh ?
( school bell ringing )
Today we will discuss one of the fundamental ways to cheat:
getting material ahead of time.
When Bill Beeelichick cheated for the Patriots,
what did he do ?
He videotaped the opposing team's defense.
Think of the defense as your test.
When taking a test, you must also "videotape the defense."
Learn what's on the test before they give it to you,
and that way you can...
I thought that...
Well, maybe I could give cheating a try.
Have a seat, amigo.
Good to have you back.
All right, now, when Bill Beeelichick got caught with his camera,
he did not panic.
He simply said what every good white cheater says when caught:
"I misinterpreted the rules."
It's what you must also say when caught cheating.
"I misinterpreted the rules."
Say it with me.
( all ) "I misinterpreted the rules."
Good, again !
( all ) "I misinterpreted the rules."
Again !
( all ) "I misinterpreted the rules."
Now you sound like white people !
( all ) I misinterpreted the rules !
What the hell do you mean you just put my penis outside ?
Why didn't you call me ?
Look, Garrison, my wife didn't want a penis in the house.
I had to get it out.
Well, now how am I supposed to find it ?!
It could be anywhere !
( woman ) Eeeeeeeeeeeek !
Holy crap !
Eeekkk ! Eeeekk !
Carol, get down from there.
No, didn't you see that penis just now ?
Eeeek !
I'm sure that penis is way more scared of you than you are of it.
You saw a penis ?
( woman ) Eeeeeeeeeeeeekk !
Oh, it's so big and disgusting !
Eeeek !
( mouse squeaking )
Come back here, penis !
There you are ! Got you !
Hey, you're not my penis !
Ugh !
( mouse squeaking )
There it goes !
Stop, you !
The answer to number 27 is five.
( all ) The answer to number 27 is five.
The answer to number 28 is 14.
( all ) The answer to number 28 is 14.
Man, what's the point ?
What's the point of any of this ?
( crying )
All right, everyone review the section
on sportscasters forgiving the Patriots for cheating
and saying it was no big deal.
I'll be right back.
Malita, Malita, hold on !
You can't quit now !
Come on, what's wrong with you ?
There isn't any point to all this.
I won't be going to college.
I'm pregnant, all right ?
I just found out.
And Eduardo isn't gonna help me raise it.
(sigh) How do I reech these keeeds ?
All right, let's go get you an abortion.
No, I'm Catholic.
I think abortion is wrong.
Abortion isn't wrong.
What's the one thing I've been teaching you ?!
That cheating is good.
Yes !
And abortion is the ultimate form of cheating.
You're cheating nature itself !
Why do rich white girls get ahead in life ?
Because they get abortions when they're young.
They get pregnant, but they still want to go to college
so, whatever, they just cheat.
They cheat that little critter in their belly right out of a chance at life.
I don't know, Mr. C.
Mexicans are told not to cheat.
"Don't cheat.
You get pregnant, you have to raise the child."
So then you have to raise the child
while the white girls get to go to college
and probably have a bunch more abortions.
It is at our most challenging times
that we must cheat our very hardest.
And the last time you saw your penis was two days ago ?
That's right.
Long whiskers or short ?
Short, and little fluffy ears.
Fluffy ears, okay.
Think you got it, Mitch ?
I think so, Sir.
Is this pretty close ?
No, no ! Not like that !
That's just silly.
Sir, we might wanna get a unit down to the Italian restaurant on Kentner.
What is it ?
Call just came through.
Seems a penis broke in and tried to eat their cheese.
Well, come on !
( mouse squeaking ) Eeeek !
What's the matter ?
A penis !
A penis ? Where ?
There it is ! Eeeeeek !
[ladies shouting] Eeeek ! Eeek, a penis !
Where is it ?
Look there !
( mouse squeaking )
Come on !
What's-a that-a penis doing in-a my kitchen ?
Hey, don't you dare kill my penis !
( mouse squeaking )
Crap-- we gotta go back around !
( mouse squeaking )
♪ Someone ♪
♪ Somewhere ♪
♪ Is loving me tonight ♪
♪ Looking at the same moon ♪
♪ And seeing it so bright ♪
♪ Someone ♪
♪ Somewhere ♪
♪ Is feeling my despair ♪
♪ Feeling your despair ♪
♪ And this same moon is ♪
- ♪ Making them think of-- ♪ - ♪ Making them think of-- ♪
There it is !
( mouse squeaking )
No, no !
There's not a chance now.
No, we can find it !
Sorry, Garrison, your penis is gone.
I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do.
You'll just have to live with being a woman.
A very ugly one.
Come on, men.
Students, I want to congratulate you
on your amazing test scores.
The school board is so impressed with your progress
that they are going to let you take
the standardized advanced-placement test
for college credit !
[all]: All right ! Cool, man ! Yeah !
The test is going to be heavily monitored
in a private room at their location
to assure that there can be absolutely no cheating.
Uh, what ?
The test will be tomorrow.
Make us proud.
Monitor us in a private room ?
Now they're gonna know we've been cheating all along.
I knew it, man !
You made us believe in your way,
and now it's all for nothing.
It's not for nothing !
If you're good enough, you can cheat right in front of them.
Shut up, man, you royally screwed us all !
How do I reeeeech these keeeeeds !
Just before the last Super Bowl...
Bill Beeelichick gathered his football players and said,
"Let's win this one for real.
Just this one time... let's not cheat."
You know what happened ?
They lost.
Even if you feel all eyes are upon you,
you cannot give up on cheating.
Or else you can lose the biggest game of your lives.
Yeah, come on, we can do this, guys.
You are the true dreamers.
Tomorrow you will prove it.
We will begin by reviewing
how to print out cheat sheets
as labels for your bottled water.
( sobbing )
You did this to yourself, Garrison.
Get your hopes up with a stupid genetic experiment
and now all your money's gone
along with your penis.
( mouse squeaking )
What the...
Why... it's my penis.
My penis came back.
But why ?
( mouse squeaking )
I guess it's true.
What's that old saying ?
If you love your penis, let it go.
The standardized advanced-placement test
is considered one of the most difficult
and carefully monitored tests in the country.
24 of our students took the test
and all 24 scored 100% !
Uh, can we say something ?
Sure.
We would like to present this plaque
to the person who taught us
"the white people method."
Mr. Cartmanez.
( camera clicking )
I reeeeched these keeeeeeeds.
Students and faculty,
please put your hands together and help me
in welcoming back Mr. Garrison.
Thanks, everyone.
It's great to be back.
I'm a man again...
Thanks to my very special new friend.
( mouse squeaking )
But you know, I've learned that
I've really been a dude all along.
Because the key difference
between men and women
is that women can have babies.
If you can't have babies, then you're a man.
Whoa, uh, wait, hang on a second.
My wife had ovarian cancer,
so she can't have babies.
Well, then get an AIDS test, Thompson,
'cause your wife's a dude, faggot.
Yeah, I'm back !
( mouse squeaking )