♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ ( mumbling ) ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
M'kay, kids, we have something very serious
we need to discuss today, m'kay ?
It appears that some kids in school are getting high
by choking themselves.
Some kids call it the "choking game," m'kay ?
But choking yourself is bad, m'kay ?
Don't-don't do that, m'kay ?
You can get high from choking yourself ?
Hrgggggg !
School children are often experimenting with
dangerous ways to get high, m'kay,
like sniffing glue,
guzzling cough medicine, huffing paint, m'kay ?
But they're all bad, m'kay ?
My cousins in Florida
said kids in their school get high off of cat pee.
- Cat pee ? - That's not true.
You can't get high off of cat urine-- can you ?
Well, it's not actually cat urine.
But male cats, when they're marking their territory,
spray a concentrated urine
to fend off other male cats and...
And that can get you really high, m'kay ?
Really, really high, m'kay ?
Probably shouldn't have told you that just now, m'kay.
That was probably bad.
Alright, this should keep my cat in place
while he sprays the urine.
Meow.
Yes, poor Mr. Kitty,
are you just so upset right now ?
Mrrrrrrrrr...
You guys are wasting your time.
Yeah, it's not gonna work.
Meow.
- Okay, you ready, Kenny ? - All set !
All right, bring out the other male cat.
( growling ) Meow.
( growling )
( screeching )
Ugh !
Whoa !
( moaning )
Do you feel anything ?
Well, Kenny, are you buzzed ?
♪ Drive it on up ♪
♪ Let's cruise awhile ♪
♪ Leave your troubles far behind ♪
♪ You can hedge your bet ♪
♪ On a clean Corvette ♪
♪ To get you there right on time ♪
♪ Now if you're ready to dive ♪
♪ Into overdrive ♪
♪ Baby the green lights are on ♪
♪ It's like you're running away ♪
♪ On some high octane ♪
♪ Every time she reaches for the goal ♪
♪ Won't you take that ♪
♪ Ride ride ride ride ♪
♪ On heavy metal ♪
♪ It's the only way that you can travel... ♪
Wow, cool ! Check it out !
I see that you are enticed
by my daughter's awesome, rocking tits.
Yeah.
Then bathe with my daughter in the Fountain of Varnoth.
Appease the gods by lathering her boobs with soapy suds.
Okay !
Woo ! Woo-hoo !
( Cartman ) Kenny, Kenny, wake up !
Wake up, Kenny ! You all right ?!
- Kenny ! - Wait !
Where'd she go ?!
Dude, that cat urine really fucked you up.
You were seriously tripping balls.
You fucking asshole !
Agh, Kenny, knock it off ! What's wrong with you ?
- Why couldn't you leave me alone ?! - Agh, Kenny !
Dude, dude, Kenny, calm down !
Oh, I was so close !
You should have seen her titties !
What titties ?
The titties on the girl--
they were incredible !
Kenny, all you did after the cat peed in your face
was start running around in circles, cheering.
Yeah, and then you ran through town, screaming,
and started tearing off all your clothes.
I almost...touched them.
Dude, I don't think we should be messing around
with that crap anymore.
( reporter ) Next on Fox News--
it's the newest drug craze
and it's killing your kids !
Killing our kids ?
All over America, kids are getting high on cat urine.
Huffing cat urine apparently causes a euphoric state
and is also referred to as "cheesing."
Why cheesing ?
Because it's "fon to due."
This sixth-grade girl says she's been snorting cat piss
for several months.
( distorted voice ) We sometimes sneak out during recess
and our friend named ( bleep ) goes and gets her cats
and we'll just cheese all day long.
Oh, my God !
Sheila, come look at this !
So how can you tell if your child is cheesing ?
You might also notice by certain phrases
your child says to school friends, such as,
Kids are doing this ?
( reporter ) Kids do it because it's legal.
What can you do before it's too late ?
Meow.
We have to protect our children from this, Sheila.
20% ofAmerican students aged six to twelve
say they have tried cheesing at least once.
Kids also refer to it as "the cheese game"
or "vitamin cheese"
or "Mary Jane piss-in-your-face fun time."
Cheesing is spreading fast.
All right, we're all sufficiently scared, Gerald,
but what can we do ?
I have written up a bill
that would make having a cat illegal
in the city of South Park.
Gerald's right.
We all have to face it.
Cats are deadly animals.
If you stick your nose up their crotch
and snort their piss, they can kill you.
With my super lawyer powers,
we can rid our town of cats,
so that our kids can never get high again.
Let's hear it for Gerald !
Hooray for Gerald !
[all cheering for Gerald]
Egh-egh...
Meow.
No, no !
Oh, waa-waa !
Get over it, druggie-- jeez.
Goodbye, Scrambles !
We'll miss you !
( meowing )
( man ) Got two here.
Hey, what the fuck are you doing ?!
Sorry, these are illegal.
What ?!
No, what are you doing ?!
Hey, fuck you !
Look, I told you, I had a cat
but I had it put to sleep because it pissed me off.
Shh.
Mr. Kitty, you have to live in the attic for now.
Here... write a diary.
( school bell ringing )
Guys, have you seen Kenny ?
No, I think Kenny's out sick today.
Yeah, and he was out sick yesterday too.
Guys...
I think Kenny isn't here
because he's at home, cheesing.
Aw, come on.
Kenny knows how dangerous cheesing is.
Yeah, and where's he gonna find cats anyway ?
They've been outlawed.
Yeah, who has cats these days ?
Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha-ha-ha.
Pot's illegal too,
but people still manage to find it.
Ever since that first time Kenny cheesed,
he hasn't been the same.
You've all noticed the change in him.
I'll bet Kenny is home, cheesing right now.
♪ It's your one-way ticket to midnight ♪
♪ Call it ♪
♪ Heavy metal ♪
♪ Higher than high feelin' just right ♪
♪ Call it ♪
♪ Heavy metal... ♪
Woooooo !
- Haahah ! - Arhghgh !
Argh !
♪ ... she's riding on a razor's edge ♪
♪ She holds her own against the boys ♪
♪ Cuts through the crowd just like a wedge... ♪
Aghha !
♪ It's your one-way ticket to midnight ♪
♪ Call it ♪
♪ Heavy metal ♪
♪ Higher than high feelin' just right... ♪
Woo-hoo-hoo !
Woo-hoo !
Woo-hoo-hoo !
Kenny ?
Kenny, you home ?
( Kenny ) Wahghggh !
Woo !
Erg-- wooooo-hooo ! Woo-hoo !
Meow !
Kenny ?!
Woopidie-dooo !
Wahhhh !
Oh, boy, he's cheesed out of his mind !
Woo-woo... ew...
- Kenny ! - Kenny !
There you go.
Try some coffee, Ken.
Ughgh... ughggh...
Kenny, we need to have a serious talk.
Ugh, no, we don't, guys.
Yes, we do.
We're your friends, dude.
We're not gonna let you ruin your life.
I'm not ruining my life.
Will you guys just back the fuck off ?
Look at yourself !
You've got to lay off the cheese !
Yeah, that's it, little buddy,
just let it out.
Kenny, I know we're super cool and everything,
but if we ever catch you cheesing again,
we're gonna tell on you.
Ugh, okay, okay, I just want to sleep now.
Yeah, he needs some sleepy night-night,
doesn't the buddy ?
Meow.
We've gotta keep this away from him.
( Mr. Kitty meowing )
Mr. Kitty ! Shh !
( Mr. Kitty meowing )
Damn it !
Shh-- Mr. Kitty, you have to be quiet
or else they're gonna find you.
Meow.
What ?
Meow.
The neighbor cat-- he hasn't been caught yet.
Meow !
No, no, Mr. Kitty, I know you like Rufus
but he has to fend for himself.
Meow.
I can't hide any more cats, Mr. Kitty.
I'm in trouble enough as it is.
Meow, meow !
All right, all right, fine !
All right, come on, Rufus.
Quietly.
Meow.
Oh, Jesus, no.
No, I can't hide you all.
Meow ?
I'm sorry, you'll just have to find somewhere else to...
Well, I suppose I'll get in just as much trouble
for four cats as for two.
Come on.
( humming )
Huh ?
Oh, my God !
Kyle ?
Kyle, can we talk to you for a minute, please ?
Yeah ?
Kyle, have you been getting high ?
No.
Then why did your mother find this
in your dresser drawer ?!
Meow.
All right, look, that isn't mine.
I'm just holding it for a friend.
Don't lie to us, Kyle !
How long have you been on the cheese ?!
Meow.
I'm not cheesing !
I've never cheesed once in my life !
Get up to your room right now
until your Mother and I
figure out how to deal with this !
Dad, will you just listen to me for a second--
Now, Kyle !
God !
Gerald, what are we gonna do ?
Our son is a cat-pee addict !
First thing is we've gotta dispose of this.
What are you gonna do ?
I better just take it down to the basement for now--
Make sure Kyle can't find it.
No, no, what am I thinking ?
I shouldn't do this.
I've been clean for ten years.
I haven't even been near a cat.
But then that report said our kids were doing it too
and I knew Kyle would have the same sickness as I use to have.
Now a cat is in our home
and it's too tempting !
Meow.
I... I'll just do it one more time,
one last time,
then I'll call the police, have them pick up the cat...
Meow.
... and then I'll never do it again,
after this one...last...time.
( growling )
( shrieking )
♪ Drive it on up ♪
♪ Let's cruise awhile ♪
♪ Leave your troubles far behind ♪
♪ You can hedge your bet ♪
♪ On a clean Corvette... ♪
I couldn't stay away.
Curse your rockin' tits.
( doorbell ringing )
Who is it ?
( woman ) Please, open the door.
They say you're hiding cats.
Hiding cats ?
That would be illegal.
You don't understand.
My little Nishka, she has nowhere else to go.
Oh, no, no.
I cannot possibly take in another.
But they will find her.
I've already taken in the Andersons' cats
and the Wolitskys'.
There's simply nothing else I can...
Then again,
perhaps I could find space
for just this one more.
Oh, you show such kindness in such darkest of times.
Oh... ohhh...
Agh, awahghgghhg...
What the hell ?!
[all meowing]
Wowoghghgh !
Kenny, get outta here !
Woo ! Woo-hooooooo !
Oh, crap ! Kenny !
Bad kitties.
( doorbell ringing )
Dad, somebody's at the front door !
( doorbell ringing )
Well, am I grounded or not ?!
( doorbell ringing )
Fine ! I'll get it !
Dude, we've got a big problem.
Cartman says Kenny is really messed up.
He's cheesing his fucking balls off, dude.
What ?
He apparently got to all the cats
Cartman's been hiding in his attic.
What are you doing with cats in your attic, fat ass ?!
They're innocent victims in this, Kyle !
They have to hide or they'll be put to death--
something you just can't understand.
Come on, we gotta find Kenny before he hurts himself.
I can't, my Dad grounded me !
Wait a minute, where is my Dad ?
Hey, everybody !
Good to see ya again !
Hold !
You cannot yet caress my daughter's awesome boobage.
How-how come ?
There is another suitor.
What ?
Get outta here, kid !
Dude, fuck you ! That's my girl !
You're too young for this stuff !
This must be decided at the Breastriary
in Nipopolis !
( all growling )
Now fight for the Locknar Trophy !
( rocking heavy metal )
Yaaaahhhh !
Hoooooooo !
- Hoooooo ! - Yaaahhh !
- Agh ! - Agh !
( cheering )
- Hi-ya ! - Argh !
Argh !
- Argh ! - Ahh !
( grunting )
Dad ?!
Dad, what the hell are you doing ?
They been going at it for a good 30 minutes.
She's mine, you little asshole !
Get the fuck off of me !
Gerald ?!
The key proponent of the cat ban
has been charged with cheesing in a public park.
Gerald Broflovski is prepared to give a public statement.
I would like to address a personal matter.
I have let myself down
and I would first like to apologize to my lovely wife...
Don't touch me.
... and to the people of South Park.
I was wrong,
and I can't let cats take the fall anymore.
It's our fault.
The people who use cats for their sweet urine,
we have to learn that cheesing just isn't worth it.
Sure you get to fight in the Breastriary
and swim in the Fountains of Varnoth
with the Itty-Titty Fairies of Mammary Mountain...
What the hell is he talking about ?
I have no idea.
... and then you fight the Boobgoblin
in the Gazangas Cave.
And then the girl may thank you for it.
But she isn't real.
And you never really get a good look
at her naked boobs anyway.
Problem is the more you go into that world,
the more you need to go.
Until you start blowing off
all the real people who care about you.
Yeah, I guess so.
Cats aren't the problem.
We made cats illegal,
and then I cheesed for the first time in ten years.
And kids are always gonna find
a new way to get high,
like sniffing glue or licking toads
or fermenting feces or huffing paint.
You can also look at--
Okay, that's probably good, Gerald.
The point is, I was wrong.
It's time to legalize cats !
Yeah !
Hooray for Gerald !
Let's hear it for Gerald !
Scrambles, so good to have you back !
You ain't sore at us, are ya ?
Agh, agh, agh !
Agh, get him off !
I'm sure glad that's over with.
Me too.
But, y'know, we've all learned something, you guys.
We can never persecute living beings
and force them into hiding-- it's wrong.
And you don't see any parallel between that
and anything else in history ?
Mmm... nope.
I have no idea what you're talking about, Kyle.
You guys, check it out !
It's Kenny.
Isn't that great ?
He's just getting high on life.
Yeah.
( snorting ) Woo !
Hoo !
He's getting really high on life.
( snorting ) Woo !
Woo, woo-hoo !
Dude, he's getting super wasted on life.
Kenny !
Wagh ! Hoo-hoo, woo !
What the hell kind of flowers are those ?!
Kenny, Kenny ?!
♪ It's your one-way ticket to midnight ♪
♪ Call it ♪
♪ Heavy metal ♪
♪ Higher than high feelin' just right ♪
♪ Call it ♪
♪ Heavy metal... ♪
Woo-hoo-hoo !
♪ ... call it ♪
♪ Heavy metal ♪
♪ Call it ♪
♪ Heavy metal ♪