♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
Fellas, fellas!
It's-- oh, my God!
You're not gonna believe this!
Dude, Butters, calm down.
Okay, okay.
I was talking to Pete Richmond,
and he said that Danny Chatswick said
that his sister told him that the girls in our class
have a list that rates every boy's looks
from cutest to ugliest!
So who do they say is the cutest?
I don't know!
Who do they say is the ugliest?
I don't know!
It's like a girl thing.
They won't let anybody see the list but them.
They can't do that.
Who are they to judge us on how we look?
Yeah, you think they rate us just for looks
or they take personality into account?
If it's just looks, then I think I'm safe.
You guys, who cares if the girls
made some stupid list?
Girls make dumb lists all the time.
Yeah, Kyle's right, screw it.
We have better things to worry about.
You're just saying that because you know
you're gonna be very last on the list.
Oh, please, I don't think so, Craig.
Chicks think I'm way hotter than you.
You don't think they'd put
the fat tub of lard at the bottom?!
No, because chicks know I'm not fat, I'm buff.
They probably put you at the bottom of the list,
'cause you have fucked up teeth.
Or Kenny 'cause he's poor.
They didn't put me at the bottom.
Did they?
Kenny, face it, girls don't wanna eat Pop-Tarts for dinner
every night when they get married.
You don't think they said
I'm the ugliest boy in the class, do you?!
If they did, my parents will ground me.
You guys, do you really care what a bunch of girls
have to say about how you rank in looks?
All right, Bebe, let's see the list.
What?
You know what I'm talking about, bitch!
The list where you rate the looks of each boy in the class.
That's not for boys to look at.
It's a secret girl list, and you can't see it.
Craig is on the bottom, right?
Or is it Kenny, 'cause you'd be eating Pop-Tarts for dinner
if you married him?
I'm not telling.
And anyway I'm not the list keeper.
Nelly is.
And Nelly will never let you look at it, so there.
Pfpfpfpt!
Pffpfpfppttt!
Fuck you, Bebe!
Fucking, bitch!
Well, I guess we're never gonna
get that list from the girls.
Screw that, dude.
We're guys-- we can out think them.
All right, here's what we know:
that chick Nelly is the one
who is in charge of holding the list, right?
She apparently keeps it in a purple peachy folder
and we need a plan to get it from her.
This is what I call
Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail.
Neat-o!
At 1:00 p.m tomorrow,
Nelly will have to walk from Home Ec. to social studies.
That's our best time to strike.
As she makes her way through hallway 3,
Craig will be ready with a distraction device here.
When she stops and turns to Craig in the hallway,
Butters will run up and kick her in the balls.
Okay!
Once Butters kicks her in the balls,
she'll fall to the floor, dropping the peachy,
and Kenny will swoop in from corridor 3 delta
and grab the peachy.
Are we good?
ow!
What did ya do that for?!
Hey, what's your problem, asshole?!
Bail, bail!
Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot.
Primarily that girls do not have balls.
They sure don't.
Never mind, because we are going to plan "b",
one that I call
Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time.
When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess,
Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground--
Ya think maybe girls keep their balls
on the inside of their tummies?
Butters, we're done talking about girls' balls right now.
Pay attention.
We got it!
We got the list from the girls!
Give that back, you dirty buttholes!
Tape it to the wall, Kenny,
Jason, watch the door!
Let me see! Who's first, who's first? - Hurry, get it out there!
How is it set up?!
It's listed in order from cutest to ugliest.
Clyde's number one.
Me?
I'm the cutest?
And then Token and then me.
I'm number two, wow!
Come on, let me see, let me see!
Oh, boy, I'm number 11!
Whoopie!
Number 11!
Ha! Look at that!
I'm hotter than you, fatso!
What?! That's bullcrap!
Woo-hoo!
Oh, so big deal, guys.
You feel better now?
Clyde's the best-looking kid in the class,
and then Token and Stan,
and last is Francis, Cartman, and...
Me?
You're last, dude!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
No way. - Yes way!
Check it out!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Cartman, lay off.
You're next to last. - So?
I'm hotter than Kyle!
I'm better looking than Kyle!
Yes!
♪ I'm hotter than Ky-le ♪
I'm last... Last?
Dude, it's just a stupid list, remember?
I got voted the ugliest boy in the whole class?
Who cares what dumb girls think, right?
Mom, Dad!
I'm not the ugliest kid the class!
Kyle Broflovski is!
Well, good for you, Butters.
Way to go, champ.
Whoopie!
Well, guess we don't have to ground him.
Kyle, what's the matter?
You've barely touched your knishes.
The girls at school--
they made a list and voted me the ugliest boy.
What?! That's ridiculous!
My little boobala is adorable!
Look, I know I'm not the best-looking guy in town,
but I didn't think I was the very ugliest.
You're not ugly, Kyle.
You're my perfect little man.
You look just like your father.
Oh, God I do?!
But he has his mother's nose.
Ahghg!
Kyle, you are very handsome and perfect in every way.
Ike, Ike, you have to be honest.
Am I ugly? Yes or no?
You all think I'm ugly!
Jesus Christ, the least you could have done is told me!
Kyle, come back here!
I'm better looking than you!
The girls think I'm better looking than you, Kyle!
Dude, Kyle, can you hear me?
They totally think I'm hotter than you are!
Kyle!
Kyle, I'm more attractive!
Kyle...
Clyde, it's time to be getting to bed.
Hey, what's goin' on?
What's going on?
Hey.
Oh, yeah, hey, what's up?
What's going on?
Nice.
There he is.
Hey, what's going on?
Hey, Clyde. - Hey, Clyde.
Hey. - Hi, Clyde.
What's going on?
Hey, ugly!
Hey, Kyle.
Look, man, it doesn't matter
what people think, okay?
Y'know, Abraham Lincoln was super-ugly too,
but look what he accomplished.
Chin up, cowboy.
Hey, what's going on? - Oh, not much...
Hey, nice... Nice, ears!
Pizza face!
Ha ha haa...
Butters, that's not cool, man.
He can't help how he looks.
Kyle, I was going to suggest that maybe you should...
Hang out with the other ugly kids in the school.
Because if you hang out with them,
you won't stand out so much, right?
Cool.
Hey.
Hello.
Are you going to eat your pickle?
Ha ha ahahahahaa!
Could somebody toss the football back?
It's over there next to the ugly kids!
I hate coming to de school.
It makes me angwy.
Yeah.
Sometimes I just wadda bawn it down.
Bawn the whole school down to the gwound!
No.
You know what? Screw this!
We aren't ugly.
We're not?
No!
Maybe we just need a little image change, you know?
Like a makeover!
Hey, yeah!
Like you!
Maybe you need to just let your hair down.
And let's see how you look without those glasses.
Let's just put those back on.
I know, that song is so awesome.
Uh, Wendy, could I talk to you?
Of course, Stan.
Just for a minute, over here.
You think he's gonna beg her to come back to him?
This is a nice surprise.
I thought you were never speaking to me again.
Yeah, well, I wanna talk to you
about this list you girls made.
Which one? We make lists all the time.
The one where you rated the boys looks in the class.
Look, it really messed Kyle up, okay?
How could you vote him the ugliest?
Well, personally, I didn't vote him the ugliest.
My vote was for Eric Cartman.
But enough of the other girls must have thought that--
so it wasn't unanimous.
Maybe you can just change the list.
Change the list?
Do you have any idea what that would take?
Maybe you don't understand how important
list-making is to girls.
It's not just something we do flippantly.
There's protocol.
Can't we just talk to all the girls who made the list
and find out why they voted Kyle last?
All right, I'll try to get you in
to our next list-making meeting,
but it won't be easy.
Today's list meeting is called to order.
Rebecca, you have the floor.
If it pleases and sparkles,
I suggest we continue deliberations on list 47-d:
"Which girl has the cutest purse."
Rebecca moves we work on list 47-d.
Does that sparkle with all the girls?
Sunshine. Sunshine. Sunshine. Sunshine.
Deliberating which girl has the cutest purse.
Milly has the floor.
If it pleases and sparkles,
I would like to submit that Jennifer's purse
is by far the cutest.
Definitely cuter than Theresa's.
I don't think anybody here disagrees
that Jennifer's purse is cuter than Theresa's,
but it doesn't make it the cutest.
The committee has already decided
that nothing with stripes can be in
the top-five cutest purses.
Sunshine sparkle, Wendy has the floor.
If it pleases and sparkles,
I would like to suggest that we...
That we reopen last week's list for debate.
Reopen last week's list?
Is she crazy?!
All right, all right, come before the rainbow railing.
Go ahead.
Uh... I was just thinking that maybe you voted
a little hastily on the cutest boy.
You thought you should be number one?
No!
Let me assure you that
no list is made hastily by this committee.
He didn't mean that.
He was just saying maybe we should
open it up again for discussion.
I cannot, by sparkle law,
move to have an old list investigated.
However, if you can find recourse
for such an inquiry, Wendy, I would review it.
Does that sparkle with all the girls?
Sunshine. Sunshine. Sunshine. Sunshine.
They all laugh at me...
And the girls giggle behind my back...
Unable to even glance at my disfigured face.
Do not burn down the school, Kyle.
Who said that?
I did.
Do you know who I am?
Abraham Lincoln?
I am Abraham Lincoln.
Burning down the school will not solve your problems.
You think you've been cheated because you are ugly,
but I am here to show you otherwise.
Come, there is much to see.
I want you to look in here.
This woman is Nancy Pinkerton.
As a child, she was consistently voted
the most beautiful girl in her entire school.
Her life as a youth was filled with praises
and everything being handed to her.
Boys told her she was special,
she was funny, she was interesting.
But that's only because she was hot.
It wasn't until she reached age 40,
when her looks started to fade,
that she learned she was actually
about as interesting and special as a wet carrot.
This is the home of your new ugly friend, Yamal.
Because he's ugly, he gets nothing handed to him.
He has to work at making something of himself.
But that work is gonna pay off when he's an adult.
He will have character:
something kids who are hot rarely develop.
Like your classmate Clyde.
Now that he knows he's good looking,
he doesn't have to make any effort to be special.
No, Rebecca's just a friend.
I wanna be with you now.
Sure, yeah, I'll buy you some shoes too.
Now his life will be about girls,
chatting with them on the phone
and buying them shoes.
He will most likely marry very young
and not realize until age 40
that he's a total douche.
And so you see, Kyle,
it is actually the beautiful kids who are cursed.
But I can't wait to be an adult to be happy.
That's forever from now.
You must be patient.
Just take me home.
I don't want to be here anymore.
Take me home!
Very well.
Kyle, you need to think about what I've told you.
I don't want to.
I don't want anybody telling me
how to feel anymore!
Well, then you're just a fucking asshole!
Wait a minute.
Wait, Stan, I think I've got something!
Take a look at this.
During final deliberation of the list for cutest boy,
seven girls gave Clyde
a glitter rating of only one sparkle!
I have no idea what you're talking about.
It doesn't add up.
It is possible that Rebecca made a mistake
when she tallied the sunshine votes
onto the final list!
Oh, hey, Wendy!
Hey, Rebecca!
Do you still have the voter cards
for the list that rated the boys looks?
Oh, Wendy, we're done with that list.
I know, but I think there's been a mistake.
Six of the girls I've talked to
didn't vote Clyde the cutest.
That means that mathematically he should have been--
All right, you need to stop digging around, Wendy.
You might not like what you find.
Just back off and stop asking questions.
You're getting close to a secret
that I don't think you can handle.
Let it go.
That didn't sparkle with her, did it?
One canister of propane,
six cans of lighter fluid,
seven gallons of high-octane kerosene,
and a box of matches.
Okay, is that everything, little boy?
That should just about do it.
Would you like to put this on your Tru Value card today?
Honorary chair, misses secretary,
I believe a member of our committee
has tampered with one of our lists.
I've compiled a full report and it turns out that
nobody voted Clyde the cutest in the class.
I believe Rebecca changed the list
to make him number one.
Why would she do that?
Right after the list was made,
Rebecca started going out with Clyde.
You can read all the discrepancies in here.
We need to remake that list.
You just couldn't let it go.
What do you mean?
Call the girls in!
I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy.
Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father owns
the shoe store at the mall?
A lot of us have always wanted to date Clyde
to get free shoes,
but we couldn't because he wasn't popular enough.
You knew?
Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde
in the bottom five of the list.
That's why we had to manipulate the votes,
forge a new list,
and hide the real one.
So that you all could justify dating Clyde and get shoes?
How dare you take advantage of your position!
I'm going to tell Bebe
and have you both disbarred from the list committee!
Bebe?
Who do you think authorized the buyout?
No, not Bebe.
She's dating Clyde now.
Nobody loves shoes more than her.
What's going on?
When the other girls find out you ignored their votes--
you really think they'll believe you
over the heads of committee?
We'll simply generate a new list:
"biggest liars".
And put you at the top.
Do yourself a favor, Wendy.
Just let it go and keep your little mouth shut.
I don't think so.
Ughg!
Stan, run!
Jesus, dude!
Hey, kid, have you seen Kyle?
We've looked everywhere
and we have to show him something.
He's burning down de school.
What?
He said he's gonna burn the school down to the gwound.
All the cruel jokes and ridicule
will finally be over!
Are you happy now, God?!
You made me look like this!
Kyle, Kyle, don't!
Don't try and stop me, Stan!
You don't know how it feels
to be a deformed monstrosity!
The list was a forgery, Kyle!
Huh?
It didn't sparkle with all the girls.
We have the real list!
That's about far enough!
Give me that list, Wendy.
Stan, what is going on?!
It was about shoes, Kyle.
The girls wanted shoes so they set you up.
Kyle was simply a casualty.
To move Clyde meant Craig had to be moved to number 12,
which moved Jimmy down and moved Jason up.
So what number was I?
You've compromised everything,
our lists' integrity!
Did you see these shoes, Wendy?
They're incredible.
It doesn't matter how incredible they are.
You can't--
Oh, my God, those are amazing.
Right?!
Is that a lace across the top?
No, it's a little strap!
Wendy!
Oh, but it doesn't matter!
You took it too far!
If you hadn't gone all Nancy Drew on us
this would have just gone away.
She's gonna kill us?
It's too late, Bebe.
I've already made a full report
and sent a copy to the police.
People will know.
Oh, please, you're lying.
Give it up, Bebe.
We know all about it.
The list was compromised.
Kyle Broflovski is not the ugliest boy in the class.
Wendy!
Agh!
Wait!
I didn't do anything wrong!
You can explain all that downtown.
Here, Kyle.
We've been through a lot,
but you can finally see where you really are on the list.
You sure you're okay with this, Kyle?
I'm sure.
Abe Lincoln was right.
I don't wanna find out I'm good looking
and become a total shithead when I grow up.
Abe Lincoln?
Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again.
I feel like you've changed somehow...
In a really awesome way.
Yeah, well...
I guess a lot of things change, don't they?
Bleahhh!
Bleaaaah!