♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
Ugh...
Brawghghh...
Well, there's no doubt in my mind, Mr. Marsh.
You are constipated.
Thanks for the news flash.
I haven't taken a crap in over three weeks.
The question is: why?
Well, what food have you been eating?
P.F. Chang's mostly.
Good stuff.
I'm going to prescribe a laxative.
But I must warn you,
when you do finally pass this stool,
it might be very painful.
How painful is painful?
Hurhgghghgh...
Hurhghghgghgh...
Hurhghghghh...
Oh, God, oh, here it comes.
Ahghggh aahghhghggh ahghghghgghgh...
Oh, hot!
Oh, hot, hot, hot, hot...
Ahahghghggh!
Ahghgghghghghgh!
Oh, hot!
Oh, hot, hot, hot, hot...
Ahhghgh!
Ahghh...
Oh, it's over, it's over.
Oh, God, I feel so much better.
Oh.
Wow.
That is huge.
That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken.
Hey-- hey, Sharon.
Sharon, you gotta come see this.
Sh-Sharon?
What is it, Randy?
Do you have any-- oh, Randy!
Will you look at that?
Is that the biggest crap you've ever seen or what?
Flush the toilet, for Christ's sake!
Come on, that's pretty impressive.
Hey, Stan!
Stan, look at this.
Randy!
Look what your old man made.
No way! - Huh?
Never seen one that big, have you?
No, never.
Gross, Dad, sick!
All right, will you flush the toilet now?
I'll try, but I don't think--
Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.
I gotta call Jimbo first.
Why?!
He's got to see this.
No, we are flushing the toilet right now.
No, Jimbo has to see it
so when I tell all the guys how big it was
they'll know I'm not lying!
Oh, for the love of God, Randy!
Sharon, this is important!
Stan, go call your Uncle Jimbo.
I'm gonna stand guard.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Randy. - Oh, hey, Randy.
Are you feeling better?
Yeah, no, I'm totally fine now.
You guys should have seen
the crap Randy took last night.
It was honestly the biggest crap
anyone has ever taken ever.
Oh, I don't know about ever.
I'm telling you this thing
was the size of a freaking football.
I guess it was pretty big.
A football?
Well, that's amazing.
I've never heard of one that big.
No, no, my brother took a crap once that was enormous.
It was the biggest
in the history of the world, I think.
Ha-ha ha - Ha-ha-ha.
It wasn't bigger than mine was.
No, no, seriously, this crap was a monster!
Mine... Mine was bigger.
I doubt it.
You wanna see it?
Oh, my freaking Lord.
That did not seriously come out of your ass.
Oh, yes it did.
Go ahead and check it for splits.
It's one solid piece.
Jesus.
That, uh, a little bigger than
your brother's there, Gerald?
It's... otherworldly.
Randy, have you called the people from
Guinness Book of World Records?
I mean, this might seriously be
the biggest crap in history.
That's why I gotta make sure to keep it safe.
Randy Marsh.
Oh, crap!
What the hell do you think you're doing
keeping that thing in our house?!
The guys agree, Sharon.
It could be a record holder.
Why are men so obsessed with how big their crap is?!
Guinness World Records America.
How can I help you?
The biggest crap?
We actually don't keep track of that record, sir.
Because we don't want to.
Look, we get calls from men all the time
who believe they took the biggest crap,
and we simply can't handle
all the measuring and verification.
You need to call
"The European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office"
in Zurich.
You're welcome.
Jeez, another one.
Guinness World Records America.
Uh, yes, hello, my name is Randy Marsh,
and I believe I took the world's biggest crap.
You need to call
"The European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office"
in Zurich.
Their number is listed on their website.
Heir president, take a look at this.
It is a crap sent to us from the United States.
Very nice.
Has it been checked for accuracy?
It appears to be legitimate.
Based on the photo, we estimate that the crap
is over 8 and a half courics!
We better get on a plane right away.
Hmm, ern snussen?
Brier en snussen aitch.
What was your primary diet for this poo, Mr. Marsh?
Mostly P.F. Chang's,
General Tso's chicken, and then a lot of
Aunt Jemima frozen sausage biscuits in the mornings.
I believe I detect some cabbage as well?
Oh, yes, I had a lot of kimchi.
You have got to be kidding me.
These guys are from Zurich, Sharon!
They're Europeans!
It is a tremendous crap, Mr. Marsh.
For the love of God.
Your crap officially weighs 8.6 courics.
Courics?
The standard measuring unit for human feces.
One Katie Couric is approximately
2 and a half pounds of excrement.
The current record is a crap weighing 7.5 courics.
But that means...
That's right.
You are the new world champion!
Really?!
You mean-- really?!
Hey, Stan! Hey, Sharon!
Hey, everybody!
Well, I guess we better call the old champion
and let him know his record has just been broken.
He has won 22 Grammys,
countless humanitarian awards,
and is the only person ever to be nominated
for an Academy Award,
a Golden Globe, and the Nobel Peace Prize.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bono.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for this newest award.
It means so much.
Oh, excuse me.
I must be getting another award.
Yes?
Yes, Bono, sir,
We wish to inform you that your record
for biggest crap has just been broken.
What?!
That's impossible!
How big was it?!
We are here to honor
the first American to bring home
the distinguished E.F.S.M. Medal
for "biggest crap ever taken."
Hey, look, Sharon, it's the president!
Hey, hey, Sharon.
To present the award,
I give you the dean of the E.F.S.M.,
Sir Orlaf Brolof.
Thank you, senator.
For over 100 years now,
the European Fecal Standards and Measures--
Heir Brolof, Heir Brolof!
Desh pointen auf?
Ladies and gentlemen, I understand we have
just received a special video-taped announcement
from Bono!
Bono! - Oh, Bono! - Oh, cool!
Could we play the tape on the big screen, please?
Hello, everyone.
I am Bono.
♪ Hello hello ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
For years, it has been my honor to try
and bring focus to the needs in Africa,
and today I have very exciting news.
Last night, at 20 past 8:00,
I took a crap weighing 9 and a half courics.
Bono?
As you can see, it is one solid piece.
It is my biggest crap to date.
And I swear to its authenticity.
Thank you and God bless.
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
You heard it, ladies and gentlemen!
The official biggest crap is 9.5 courics!
Congratulations to Bono!
Bono!
Woo!
Dad, um...
I think dinner's almost ready.
I almost did it.
I almost made something of myself.
You know when you get real close,
you start to think that
maybe your life is going to matter.
I mean, this was something I made,
something that came from me,
that was a part of me.
The only thing I ever made that was any good.
Gee... Thanks a lot, dad.
You're welcome.
And I just... I know that this late in my life
I'll never come so close to finally having meaning.
Come on, guys, lasagna's ready.
Oh, lasagna's ready.
You hear that, Stan?
Mom says lasagna is ready.
I can see through your sarcasm, Sharon.
What are you talking about?
You can say it, Sharon.
I know Bono is better than me!
I'm sorry I'm not Bono, all right?!
I'm sorry I don't have billions of dollars
and a Nobel-Prize nomination!
Randy, this is ridiculous.
Oh, that's real mature, Sharon.
Just act like everything is funny.
It's a big joke to you, isn't it?
Just a big joke!
Don't touch me!
Can you believe him?
All this over what guy took the biggest crap!
You don't understand, Mom.
You just don't understand.
Wha-wha...
♪ The longest goodbye... ♪
How come they just let that Bono guy
send a picture of his crap?
'Cause he's Bono, that's why.
But he could have faked it.
It isn't fair.
Doesn't matter.
He's got the record now.
There's nothing I can do.
Oh, yes, there is.
You can do it again.
What?
Think about it.
You weren't even trying to take
the biggest crap last time.
Imagine if you actually worked at it.
Hey, hey, that's right.
No.
I can't go through all that again.
It's too much.
Come on, Randy.
I'll bet you can crap that big again easy!
With the right diet and training,
who knows what you're capable of?!
Guys, forget it!
It's over.
It was a fluke crap.
I'll never take one that big again.
Is it over, Randy?
We all saw that crap you took.
That was no fluke.
There's something inside you that made you able to do it.
Randy, you have a gift.
Now, who knows why God chose you, but he did.
And if you walk away now,
you'll always wonder how big a crap
you could have taken.
I would need a lot of help.
That's what we're here for.
Come on, Randy, what do you say?!
I say...
Let's give Bono a run for his money.
Yeah! All right, Randy!
Yeah!
This is CNN Headline News.
Tonight, a possible attack on Iran
may mean the beginning of a new war in the Middle East.
Oh, no.
But first, the record for the world's biggest crap.
Will it again be broken?
Ugh!
Randy Marsh of Colorado is now three weeks
into his quest to make a new crap,
spending nearly every waking hour at P.F. Chang's.
Is this really news worthy?
You just don't understand.
You're right, I don't.
At the same time, some people are questioning
Bono's current record entry,
saying, nobody has ever seen it in person.
Bono could not be reached for comment
as he is currently in Africa, helping the needy.
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Hello hello ♪
Marsh is attempting to break the record again.
We thought you should know.
He can't beat my 9 and a half courics!
Well, he's going to try.
Fine!
But he has to take the crap in front of you,
in Zurich.
Bono, we've never had that rule before.
It's the only way you can know he's not cheating!
If he doesn't crap in Zurich, it shouldn't count!
Ultrasound is very simple, Mr. Marsh.
We're going to use harmless waves
to look inside your belly.
Just gonna put some warm gel on your stomach first.
Ooh.
Okay, take a deep breath.
I see the crap now.
I can't say for sure, but I'd say it's about...
14 courics.
14!
That's great, Randy!
Can I see it?
Sure, this is your colon,
and here... Is the feces growing inside your belly.
Ahh...
Guys, we have a problem!
I talked to the E.F.S.M. And they say that Randy
has to take the crap in Zurich.
In Zurich?!
They say Bono is demanding it
and that their hands are tied.
I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh.
I cannot condone you traveling on an airplane
in your condition.
It is never safe to fly during your turd trimester.
Hi, could I speak with Mr. Bono, please?
Mr. Bono, you have a young gentlemen caller.
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
Get the jet ready, Belvis.
I've got to be going.
Hi, my name is Stan Marsh.
My dad's trying to beat your record for biggest crap.
Oh, right.
He can't make it to Zurich, right?
That's kind of what I'm here for.
Do you really need the biggest crap record?
Could you maybe see your way to just
letting my dad have this one?
Let him have it?
Why would I do that?
Look, you gotta understand, sir,
my dad's never won an award for anything.
Ever.
He doesn't have one single trophy.
I mean even I have a second-place trophy
for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.
I have the first-place trophy for that.
Dude, don't you have enough?
I mean, you've got tons of money, a jet,
the biggest rock band in the world,
a hot wife, and you've been knighted.
I mean, at some point,
can't you just kind of fuck off?
I want people to know that I'm worth something,
that I matter.
All I'm asking is that maybe with this one thing
let my dad be number one
and you can still be number two.
Number two?!
Nobody calls me that anymore and gets away with it!
Take it back!
I take it back!
Say I'm not number two!
You're not number two!
That's right I'm not!
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
What is wrong with that guy?
Your father is in great danger.
Come with me.
Hrghh... Ugh ugh...
Hrghh... Grrhh...
Rrgghhh...
It must be quite a crap.
Come on, Randy, you have to push!
Ahghghhggh...
Ahghhhggh...
What are you saying?
How do you know my dad is gonna die?!
Because nobody has ever taken a crap that big before.
So Bono's newest record is a lie!
Look, I first new something was wrong
when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap.
It said he took it in 1960.
So?
So that's the year Bono was born.
Then it all made sense to me.
How could Bono be so talented, so caring,
and yet seem like such a piece of crap?
Because he is crap.
Don't you get it?!
Bono is not the record holder...
He's the record.
Yes.
Ahghgghgh...
I can't do it, I can't do it.
The crap is simply too big, Mr. Marsh.
We must perform a Caesarean.
But then does it still count?
Oh, no!
A biggest crap means you crapped it out.
I believe that's true.
We are sorry, Mr. Marsh,
but if you cannot crap out the crap,
it's not really a crap.
No, no...
There, there, Randy.
You... You gave it your best shot.
I want my wife.
Sharon?!
What?
I'm sorry, Sharon.
I'm sorry that I let you down.
Sorry I can't crap like Bono.
Well, congratulations, Bono.
It appears your record is intact.
I had a feeling it would be.
Wait, stop!
Dad, your old crap counts!
Bono never took a second crap that beat yours!
Get him out of here!
What are you talking about, young man?
Somebody's been keeping it a secret.
Bono was never the record holder.
He's the record.
It's not true!
Kill that kid!
I want him dead!
It's too late, Bono.
The boy has learned the truth.
Heir Brolof, what do you know of this?
It's true, I'm afraid.
You see, until Mr. Marsh came along,
I was the record holder for the biggest crap.
I took it back in 1960.
It was the most amazing crap I'd ever taken.
Papa, no!
Say nothing more!
Come to me, my darling precious child.
After I had broken the record, I took the crap home.
I was so proud of it that I decided to keep it,
to try and raise it like a child.
No, Papa.
There, there, my little crap, don't cry.
Here, do you want the biddy?
Hmm?
Does Bono want the biddy?
Yes, he likes the biddy, doesn't he?
Dude.
I kept the crap in my office.
Nursed it, fed it biddy.
And soon biddy made him strong,
biddy made him grow up...
Into one of the most influential figures of our time.
Easy, Bono, that hurts the biddy.
Biddy!
My little crap has accomplished many things,
but he could never shed the fact
that he was really a number two.
So he spent his life trying to be number one...
In everything.
That's why he's able to do so much,
try to help so many people,
but still seem like such a piece of shit.
You have blemished
this noble society's good name, Heir Brolof!
Have I?!
Look at the crap I took all those years ago!
Bono is now almost six feet tall
and over 80 courics in weight!
No matter how you look at it,
he is still the record!
Oh, God, here it comes!
Oh, hot, hot, hot, hot!
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
Ha-ha-haaa...
My God!
It must over 100 courics!
Dad, are you all right?
Yeah, I'm...
Yeah, I'm good.
I feel a lot better.
Mr. Marsh, we apologize.
And if it's okay with you, we would like to present you
your long-overdue trophy.
Thrrrrpt!