♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
"Big Wayne Slammer.
Comes with posable neck-smash grip."
That's pretty cool.
Let's see...
Cock!
"The Black Jackal."
Karate-kick power force and bendable neck."
Asshole, cock!
Asshole, shit, shit, cock!
Ma'am, is that your son over there?
Yes, I'm sorry.
My son has Tourette's syndrome.
Tourette's syndrome?
It's a neurological disorder.
He can't control what he says.
Oh.
Shit!
Dumb shit!
All right, Thomas, maybe we should go?
All right, Mom.
Bitch, ass, bitch!
Here, let's buy you a nice toy to take home.
Dude, that mom is cool.
Cock nut, ugh...
Stupid shit!
Are you talking to me?
No... Cock nose!
What's your problem, kid?
Oh, I'm sorry.
My son Thomas has Tourette's syndrome.
What?
Mom, let's just go.
Shit!
People with Tourette's can't control certain ticks.
It's like a sneeze.
Asshole, asshole!
Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're telling me there's an illness
that makes you blurt out obscenities?
Mom, can we just go home please?
It's okay, Thomas, they understand.
I want to go!
Shit, fag!
Poor kid. - Yeah.
All right, hold on just a second here.
Are you telling me that if you have this Tourette's syndrome
you can say whatever you want all the time
and never get in trouble?
It's a neurological disorder.
He can't help it. - Yeah.
♪ I've got a golden ticket ♪
♪ I've got a golden twinkle in my eye ♪
Hey, don't you wanna buy that toy?
I don't need the toy!
I've found something better!
♪ 'Cause I've got a golden ticket ♪
♪ I've got a golden chance to make my way ♪
It started about four days ago, doctor,
and every day he seems to get worse.
P-p-pussy, pussy!
Cock, shit! - Oh, dear.
I was checking out the internet,
and it almost seems like his symptoms
are like those in something called
"Tourette's syndrome."
Tourette's syndrome? What is that, mommy?
Butthole, titties, balls!
That doesn't seem likely.
Tourette's is a hereditary disease.
It doesn't just suddenly start.
Cocksucker.
On the other hand, Tourette's does often develop
later in a child's life, getting progressively worse.
Oh, well, that's it!
Shithead, asshole!
Mexican stinky balls!
Oh, doctor, can you help him?
We don't know very much about Tourette's I'm afraid,
but we will get your son all the help we can.
But what about school, doctor?
The teachers, the principal,
they won't understand that I can't control what I say.
Don't worry, young man.
We'll make sure everyone understands your disease
and gives you the compassion you deserve.
Oh, that's awesome.
Thank you-- faggot!
Shit!
Butthole!
Hey, Wendy.
Dumb bitch!
Oh, sorry.
Titties, cock!
Ginger retard!
Ass-licker dickface!
Dude, you better watch it.
The principal's right over there.
Oh, good morning, Principal Victoria.
Shit balls!
Good morning, Eric.
Did Cartman just say "shit balls" to the principal?
You didn't hear?
Well, Cartman has some mental disease called
Tourette's syndrome or something.
What?
He's the luckiest kid in the world.
If I could say "shit balls" to the principal,
I'd be so happy.
Uh, excuse me, excuse me, everyone.
I guess you might have noticed my awkward ticks.
Asshole!
Pussy, asshole!
I-- ugh.
I just want you to know that I can't control it.
It's okay, Eric.
We all understand and we think you're very brave.
He's faking.
Excuse me, everyone, I need to have a moment alone
with my good friend Kyle.
Ass cheeks!
Kyle, apparently you missed the school assembly yesterday,
but I've been diagnosed with
a very serious mental condition.
You do not have Tourette's syndrome, fat ass.
Oh, okay, you figured me out.
Bravo, Kyle, bravo.
Don't you see how awesome this is?
It's like a magic cloak that makes me impervious
to getting in trouble. - Who cares about saying whatever--
Of course, if you want to be Sergeant Buzzkill once again
and spoil my fun
because you're jealous you didn't think of it first,
well, go right ahead, Kyle.
Whatever.
Good morning, Mr. Mackey.
Ass pussy!
If I could say "ass pussy" to the counselor,
I would be so happy.
Okay, so what do we get when we multiply
a negative number--
Dick tits!
When we multiply a negative number by another negative--
Shit, asshole!
Excuse me.
If we apply what we've just learned,
we see that all negatives can--
Spewge, balls,
bloody vaginal belch.
You guys, don't laugh.
It makes me feel insecure about my illness.
All right, kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay?
Now, all you need to remember here
is that negative numbers--
Tampon!
Tampon, dick, shit!
Will you knock it off already?!
Kyle, don't you think I wish I could?
I'd give anything to be normal like you.
Kike!
Don't push me, asshole!
Kyle, watch your language!
If I could yell "tampon, dick, shit"
in the classroom, I'd be so happy.
Principal Victoria, it's just that Eric
has become such a distraction,
I don't think I can teach my class any more.
I understand it's been difficult, Mrs. Garrison,
and so Mr. Donaldson has come from
the Tourette's Tolerance and Understanding Foundation.
Hello, Mrs. Garrison.
Ass, ass!
I want to help your class
better understand this illness-- piss!
No, up yours, fat boy!
Kyle, please, I'm sorry.
Principal Victoria, there's something you need to know.
Cartman's Tourette's isn't real.
He's faking.
Faking?
You think people with Tourette's are faking?
No, I'm just saying that I think--
Do you have any idea how horrible that is to say?
Ass, ass!
We aren't faking, young man.
Trust me, nobody wants this illness.
Ass, piss!
Piss!
That's right, Kyle.
Crap-filled vagina!
This is the kind of intolerance
you teach at this school, Principal Victoria?
No!
Then if you wouldn't mind,
I would like to take this bully
to see that Tourette's is very real.
Piss!
Kids, today during therapy class,
we have a special visitor.
Ass!
I wanted him to meet all of you
so he could try to understand Tourette's.
Tourette's is like a cough or a sneeze-- oowwh!
It isn't contagious like some people think.
Wo-wo-wo-wo-wo!
A lot of people with Tourette's have different ticks.
My tick...
Is that I have to bend my neck and snap my fingers.
But a lot of people don't even notice it.
Ah, shit, cock!
Sometimes it can be embarrassing to have Tourette's,
but I-- boop--
I've learned I shouldn't be mad at myself.
You see?
These kids can't control their actions.
Ass!
Piss in the ass!
Look, I was just suggesting that maybe this one person
could control what he said,
but just didn't-- for fun.
Fun? Woo-loo!
This really isn't all that fun.
Woo-loo-woo-loo!
Ah, shit!
Boop.
Piss coming from my ass!
You wanna know about fun?
Going to public places,
knowing you're gonna make a fool of yourself.
Embarrass your parents.
Aw, shit!
My dad finally couldn't take it anymore.
He divorced my mom.
Said he'd still be around,
but I only see him at Christmastime now.
Shit, shit!
This worst part is I know how lonely my mom is.
A lot of times I know she'd be better off if I was dead.
Dude.
Your mom would not be better off
if you were dead, Thomas.
Even if people like Kyle here think so.
Aw, come on!
So then you apologize for what you said before?
I was just trying to...
Just in one instance...
No... No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Well, Mr. And Mrs. Broflovski, I think your son
has learned a lot,
and he appears to be honestly remorseful
for making fun of people with disabilities.
Piss, piss!
Our son is a good kid.
He just didn't understand Tourette's was a real disease.
Well, I think the only thing left now
is for your son to apologize to his little classmate.
Well, Kyle?
I'm sorry.
Oh, what was that?
I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.
I'm sorry.
You're starry?
I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle.
You're starry because--
I said I'm sorry, you piece of--
Oh, oh-- no, don't worry about it, Kyle.
Now I understand.
I've learned to deal with intolerance.
Dumb shit, douche bag!
And it means a lot that you're standing here
apologizing with your dad and lovely mother.
Fat Jew!
Jew bitch!
Oh, thank you, Eric.
Thank you.
Big-nose kike!
Well, I think we can all put this behind us now.
Piss out my ass!
Yeah!
Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's
fat fucking Jew face!
Oh, oh-- oh, goodness, excuse me.
Jeez, that was a bad one.
Well, gotta run, everybody.
Got some big things in the works.
Isn't having Tourette's awesome?
Next week on Dateline NBC.
It's a Dateline Special Report.
I'm Chris Hansen.
You probably know me from "To Catch a Predator,"
where we bust men looking for sex with children.
Go ahead and take a seat.
Take a seat right over there.
Oh, God, oh, no!
What are you doing here?
I'm just bein' stupid I guess.
But now we're switching our focus from pedophiles
to Tourette's syndrome.
It all started when I received this touching letter
from a brave little boy in Colorado.
"Dear Mr. Hansen, I have Tourette's
"and I want the world to understand what it's like.
"won't you do a special report on me,
"so that the world can learn to accept us
"instead of just laugh?
Donkey boner!!!"
This Saturday on Dateline,
I will be bringing you Eric's story,
live and uncensored, from his home in Colorado.
this Saturday on Dateline NBC.
Finally, my wish of going public with my illness can come true.
Goddamn Jews!
Suck my ass barf!
Hello, Kyle.
Dickhead!
What's this about you going on live television on Saturday?
Yes, it's all finally come to fruition.
The final cog in my master plan.
This Saturday I will go on national television, live.
I will say horrible things on the air,
despicable things,
and people will call me brave.
Cartman, there are people in the world
who really have Tourette's syndrome.
This isn't funny!
Not funny?
I have free reign to say anything I want
and you get into trouble if you try and stop me.
Care for a scotch?
Scotch?
Kyle, I've won, no matter how you look at it.
I've managed not only to get away with
saying whatever I want at school, on the bus,
at the dinner table,
but this Saturday I will actually say anything I want
on national television.
I'm going to blast the Jews, Kyle.
I'm going to call them every name in the book,
and people will call it brilliant television.
They'll probably give me an Emmy.
You are not going to go on national television
and spew a bunch of hate speech about Jewish people!
I won't let you do it, Cartman!
Then the game is on, Kyle.
It's not a game, you derelict!
And this isn't scotch.
It's apple juice!
Do you have any idea how liberating it is
to say whatever comes to mind?
Big titties, butt munch.
There's no walls anymore.
Shit!
Whatever enters my brain,
I can just say without thinking about it.
I wet my bed last night!
What did you say?
Uh... Nothing.
You aren't gonna get away with this, you stupid asshole.
Hmm, that was... weird.
We are here today to congratulate
a brave little boy.
Tonight, Eric Cartman will go on television
and become the spokesman for Tourette's syndrome.
Piss out my ass!
The spokesman for Tourette's?
Oh, no.
Cock!
Thanks, everybody.
Suck my balls!
You've all been so understanding
and supportive of my illness.
Jizz farmer, dick sneeze!
And it is because of you that I have the courage
to go on national television tonight.
Titty sprinkles!
If I could say "titty sprinkles"
on national television, I would be so happy.
And I also just want to say that
I'm making this all up!
Uh, uh, I'm making this all up to you
for putting up with my mental disorder.
I cry at night because I don't have a dad!
Ahh!
What the hell is going on?
It's okay, Eric.
We understand your illness, m'kay.
Uh, what I meant to say was ass-licker, cum balls.
And, uh, I'm secretly in love with Patty Nelson!
I fantasize about kissing Patty Nelson!
Eww.
Uh, excuse me! I need the toilet!
Bathroom, bathroom!
Hey, Eric!
Butters, do you think it's possible that you can
lose your ability to filter what you say?
I mean, if somebody got used to saying
whatever came to their mind,
could they start saying things that they would
normally never say?
Well, who are you talking about?
Uh, my cousin.
My cousin-- one time my cousin and I touched wieners!
Ahh!
You-- you and your cousin touched wieners?
I didn't say that.
Yes, I did-- but why?
Ahh, stop it!
Excuse me, excuse me, I need to go!
Gotta run!
Is there a problem, sweetie?
No, no problem, I just need to--
my cousin and I touched each others--
ahh, ahh!
I just, I just want to thank everyone for coming--
my cousin and I touched wien--
wien-- wien-wien-- winter.
Winter is a cold time of year.
Uh, I need to be going now.
All right, Eric.
Well, good luck on Dateline tonight.
Dateline, right.
I wet my be-- ahh!
I touched my cousin's wien-- ahh!
This sure has been fun-- goodbye!
Agh!
Tonight, an inside look at Tourette's syndrome.
I'm Chris Hansen.
Uh, Mr. Hansen, I'm afraid I can't do the show.
Why not?
My, uh, my grandma just died,
so I have to go to Memphis.
That's not true! My grandma's fine!
Why don't you have a seat.
I just need to get home.
I'm not doing the show.
Go ahead and take a seat.
But I'm not gonna do the-- - Take a seat right over there.
What are you doing here?
I'm-- I'm telling you that I'm not doing the show.
But you are doing the show.
You don't understand.
All of a sudden, I can't control what I say.
Well, of course you can't control what you say.
You have Tourette's.
No, my Tourette's has gotten worse.
Before I just blurted out cool stuff
about Jews being lame and stuff,
but now it's gotten really bad.
So I'm sorry, but I'm not doing the show.
That's it-- goodbye.
Why don't you take a seat.
No, I don't wanna take a seat.
Have a seat. - No, I'm just gonna go--
Take a seat right over there.
How does he do that?
You know, one time I was doing a show called
"To Catch a Predator."
We almost caught this pedophile
but then he ran from us
because he didn't wanna be on Dateline,
so we tracked him down to his house.
And you know what he did?
He shot himself.
It'd be a shame if you didn't wanna go on Dateline.
Be a shame if we had to track you down
and you "shot yourself."
I just peed my pants.
Live, from our satellite studio in Colorado.
This is Dateline.
Tonight, an inside look at Tourette's syndrome.
I'm Chri-----s Ha----nse----n.
In a few minutes, you will meet little Eric Cartman,
who wants the world to understand his affliction.
Five minutes, kid.
Jesus Christ, how did I get myself into this?
God... Please, I know I screwed up.
I should have never pretended to have Tourette's syndrome.
But, see, I get it now.
You can't just walk around saying whatever you want.
You gave us a filter
because people don't wanna hear things like--
I touched penises with my cousin!
Ahh-ahh.
And I learned you especially can't say
whatever you want on national television,
because there could be kids watching.
Please, God, don't make me embarrass myself
on national television.
You must see how this is all somewhat your fault, right?
Please... I need a miracle.
Tango, this is foxtrot.
Are you in position?
Copy, foxtrot-- tango in position.
Aw, shit!
You sure you don't wanna back out?
No, no, you were right, that fat kid is faking it.
If he goes on TV,
more people will think that having Tourette's is fun.
Asshole, shit!
All right, then we go with the plan,
just like "To Catch a Predator."
The first guy is here.
This is probably hotforboys219.
Are you cutebilly182?
Yeah, I was chatting with you on-line.
Shit!
Oh, God, I'm so turned on right now.
This is your house?
Your parents aren't home are they?
No, it's cool.
Go on inside, I made brownies.
Shit!
I'm just gonna slip into something more comfortable.
Cock! Okay!
Cock!
Don't take too long!
So now let's meet a child who has Tourette's syndrome,
and who must--
Oh, oh.
Wait a minute, this ain't no house.
What are you doing?
Chris Hansen!
Oh, no, it's a setup! I knew it!
Sir, why don't you take a seat right over there.
Now everyone's gonna know I'm a perv!
Agh!
Oh, not again.
Kyle?
Surprise, fat ass!
Kyle, what are you doing?
I went on-line posing as a boy
who would have sex with older men
and told them to meet me here.
My plan worked perfectly!
Ha-ha. Whoo-hoo. Ha-ha. Children.
Whoa.
Hey, I brought you some Wendy's.
Yeah, yeah, go on in, there's a hot tub inside.
Stupid shit!
Score!
Oh, no, it's Chris Hansen!
What the hell is going on?
Wait a minute--
Oh, God, it's Chris Hansen!
Dateline?!
I knew it!
There aren't really brownies?!
Hey!
Do you have something to do with this?
Answer me!
Stupid shit, cock!
What?
Nobody talks to me like that!
Why don't you take a seat.
Take a seat right over there.
Suck it! Asshole-licker dick fart!
Why you little--
I'll tell on you!
Wow, you're the coolest kid in the world.
If I could call Chris Hansen
an "asshole-licking dick fart" to his face,
I would be so happy.
You would?
Can I just like hang out with you sometimes?
Like do your laundry maybe?
Take a look, fat ass! I beat you!
You aren't going on Dateline.
What do you have to say now?
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Kyle!
What?!
I asked God to send someone to help me,
and you came, Kyle!
I love you, man!
No, I beat you!
You totally saved my ass, Kyle!
You must really care about me.
See ya, Kyle!
I gotta get to a psychiatrist
and learn to control what I say.
♪ I got a golden ticket ♪
Thanks to Kyle!
♪ I got a golden twinkle in my eye ♪
Aw, shit! Aw, shit!