Oh! You only make that face when your dick is on fire.
So, you're certain?
Definitively.
The 36 HooliPhones that blew up at Hoolicon
and the 17 that blew up around the US
all had our code on them.
Richard, these are real people
with real crotches, and they're burning.
We have to tell someone. This was our fault.
No. No, no. Keenan's demo was built to run on a $10,000 rig.
Jack ported it to a phone in four days.
They wrote sloppy code that's pinging
the antenna constantly, looking for the goggles.
That had to have caused the phone's antenna to draw too much power...
Which would overheat the subpar battery.
And when we pinged our network on top of all that...
- Dick fire. - Richard,
what happened to being Honest Abe from now on?
We committed a crime here.
- Barely, Jared. - The fact that we hacked those phones
works in our favor. All of our code is hidden.
Agreed. And when Hooli launches a new software update to fix the phones,
our network will still be functional, Melcher will be happy,
Monica will fund us, and no one will ever know what we did.
- I'll know! - Yes! I'll know too, but I'm okay with it.
I'm sorry.
What the fuck is this?
I write three letters every time I start a job...
a personal action plan,
a letter to my 40-year-old self,
and that, a resignation letter.
Uh, I'll be moving my things back into my condo.
- What about your squatter? - Oh, he's been out for months.
He left to go sell cocaine at the Keystone Pipeline protests.
I've just been staying in the garage out of solidarity.
You can't leave.
- Don't beg, Richard. - I'm not.
According to the employee handbook,
which you wrote, an employee cannot leave
without giving two weeks' notice.
You... you read the handbook?
- Yeah, I did. - All right, fine.
I'll fulfill my duties under protest,
but I will not do anything illegal
nor unethical, and I will not lie.
I already have upwards of 50 burnt perinea on my conscience.
Richard, that's enough.
Consider that my two weeks' notice.
All right. Keep an eye on HooliNews,
and let me know when Jack announces the HooliPhone update.
What do you mean you're not issuing a software update?
Who can say why the phone Gavin Belson brought to market
started exploding when we put Keenan Feldspar's technology on it? Huh?
Is it Gavin's fault? Is it Keenan's fault? Is it 50-50? Who knows?
We need to change the narrative here.
Has anyone flown commercial recently?
Nor have I, but apparently they're still making the announcements
at the gate about Samsung Galaxy Note 7 being banned.
We can't have people believing that our phones blow up airplanes,
no matter how much Gavin and/or Keenan may have wanted it.
It's lethal PR.
We need to get ahead of this one,
which is why I am going to pull
every last affected HooliPhone out of circulation
and replace it in the next three days.
That's over nine million devices.
Gavin Belson had to move heaven and earth to get our China plants
up to a capacity of two million per day,
and his negotiations with labor were extremely delicate.
Well, China has never negotiated with Jack Barker.
What you're proposing is staggeringly expensive
and borderline impossible.
We won't approve it.
I see. Uh...
Slight hitch. I may have instructed my comms team
to issue a press release announcing the recall...
and it should be going out at...
- Yeah, it's out. - Jack.
I'll tell you what: let's just gas up that HooliJet,
and I am going to go ahead and go to China!
So, every fucking HooliPhone that we're on
is being pulled out of service and replaced
with a new one that doesn't have our code on it.
Half of our storage capacity just gone.
Where the fuck are we gonna put all of Melcher's data?
Wait. We have a server farm in the garage, right?
Now, don't you think if Anton could've saved our ass,
I would've suggested it by now?
- Why can't it work? - What are you, fucking stupid?
In order to hold that much data,
we would have to go RAID zero, no backup,
so if we lose even one platter,
we lose Melcher's data... permanently.
Plus, in Anton's present condition,
I'm afraid he might totally melt down.
- We have to call Melcher. - No, we are not calling Melcher.
If we tell him about any of this, that would be suicide.
Look, if we're gonna die, let's just die.
Why do we have to take Anton with us?
Jesus, man. You know that thing's not alive, right?
- Fuck your dumb machine. - Wait. Do you?
Do you actually fuck your dumb machine?
- Is that the secret on your phone? - Fuck you.
- Fuck you! Do you raw-dog it? - Guys. Guys. Guys!
Or do you put a condom on your tiny penis and fuck it in safe mode?
Just fuck each other and get it over with. "Oh, Anton, fuck me!"
I will fuck both of you...
- Gentlemen! This is Gladys. - Fuck you.
She's interviewing to be my replacement.
Hello.
I like your sweater.
Maybe let's talk outside.
- Great. - It's just right through here.
Gilfoyle, Anton is going to be fine, okay?
Just spin him up. Please?
All right, buddy.
Let's see what you're made of.
Outstanding.
I'm sorry that you had to witness that scene in there.
It probably gave you the impression that the company is in disarray,
but I can assure you, there's a very simple explanation for that.
- It... it is. - Sorry?
Yeah, even setting aside our CEO's sexual distortion,
adultery, and lowbrow scatlogical vandalism,
we're still essentially a... a criminal operation
whose only real product is dangerous malware.
I see you're fluent in Japanese.
Are... are you gonna be comfortable with casual racism?
I'm sorry. What happened here?
Uh, arson.
- Hsst! Gavin. - What?
That wasn't really breakfast, was it?
Yeah.
- Seriously? - Shh!
What are you doing?
Well, I'm watching an episode of House.
Put that fucking thing away.
Are you afraid it's gonna blow up?
'Cause it won't. It's not a HooliPhone.
Why would a HooliPhone blow up?
Hey! We're done with the migrating!
How's it going in here?
Don't touch the fucking lights. One surge and we're dead.
- What the fuck? - What?
Oh, the eyes. They're contacts.
Okay, how we looking?
Jesus Christ!
I broke my glasses. I don't have an extra pair,
so I had to pull these out of a drawer. I had 'em made for All Hallows' Eve.
I was a cat.
How are we looking? Did it all fit?
Yes, but Anton is overheating already.
We're about to fry three of our platters.
I said this was a bad idea.
Fuck. What are we gonna do?
Excuse me. Just FYI, Gladys turned us down.
Oh, hey, Richard, long time, no talk.
Yeah, we've all been busy, so.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah. Hey, listen, Big Head,
do you think I could get your Stanford login
so I can access the faculty server array?
Oh jeez. Uh, I don't think I can do that, man.
Sure you can, man. Just click on "Forgot password."
No, um, it-it... it's just, um, I'm kinda on super-thin ice
with the head of the CS department right now.
After Erlich's whole SeeFood thing,
Standford started looking into my academic background,
realized that I don't really have one,
and now I'm on probation,
and they've got this real teacher sitting in, watching me.
That is... that is a bummer. But hey, Big Head,
they do, um, genome sequence analysis on the Sherlock cluster.
They're not gonna notice a few more measly petabytes, all right?
We'll just get on and get off before anyone even notices we're there.
Yeah? Come on, man. I need this, all right? I wouldn't ask you otherwise.
All right. My username is "password"
and my password is "password."
Your username is "password"?
It was just easier.
Okay, Big Head came through.
I've already reserved the resources.
We can start the transfer whenever we're ready.
Slight problem. I can't get online.
What the fuck?
I can't get on either.
Gilfoyle, did you fry the fucking router again?
No!
Jared! Did you pay the broadband bill?
No. I mean, we don't have the funds.
- What? - I tried to bring it to your attention,
but you said, "Fuck off, Mom."
Wait.
Are you telling me Anton is completely cut off from the outside world?
Which means Melcher's data is offline.
We're in breach.
Shit. Okay, uh...
you guys keep Anton alive. I will... figure something out.
A product recall on that scale?
What the fuck is Barker thinking?
Uh, I was only at eight percent,
so if you could close some applications.
Cell phone?
Lama-la, I... I need to know what Hooli stock is doing.
Enlightenment...
or ignorance.
You must choose.
Erlich, get the bags.
Richard Hendricks. What's up?
Hi. I was just calling to let you know that, um...
we're gonna have to take the network down
just for a little bit for some routine maintenance,
so your data might be inaccessible.
What?
Yeah. Oh, just for an hour or two.
- Nothing major. - Richard...
you're supposed to give me 72 hours' notice for any disruption of service.
No, I know, I know, I know, but this is just to improve
- your user experience, because we care. - Falling! Falling!
What the fuck are you doing?
- Would you fucking... - Is everything okay over there?
Yeah. "Okay"? Yeah. Yeah.
Dan. Danny, Dan-Dan.
It's totally normal. Totally normal.
Look, as long as you have it back online, you know,
- before we open in the morning. - Yes, of course.
Hey, you want to talk to Liz?
- No. No, no. I... - I'm gonna go get some cake from the back.
Why? They bring it to us.
That's okay. I'm just gonna... go to them.
All right. She's going to them.
- Never get married, Richard. - Women, right?
- I'll talk to you. Yes. - Bye.
We'll go to them.
Guys, we'll go to them.
- Who? - Standford!
If we move Anton to Stanford, we can plug him directly into the cluster,
and we'll be back online before Fiduciated opens. It's perfect.
Yeah, except for the part about moving Anton to fucking Stanford.
How the fuck are we gonna do that?
We take him apart, move him, put him back together.
- That's insane. - Okay, well,
unless you happen to have a three-mile long Ethernet cable
hidden up your fucking asshole, that's the plan!
Is Big Head gonna be okay with us just showing up
with three tons of unauthorized equipment?
Yeah! I just spoke to him on the phone.
He was like, "Uh, yeah."
Okay, do it. I'll get the truck. I'll get a truck.
You know, I flew all the way here,
to Tibet, on my own dime.
You've killed my battery.
I don't feel the slightest bit more spiritually centered.
Can this thing go any faster?
- Richard. - Oh. Yeah.
Okay. Thank you, Jared.
Uh, so, what... what time did Big Head say he needed us there?
I don't know. He said whenever.
Typically, campus security requires a specific window
- for deliveries of this size. - Okay.
Did you send him an inventory, so that he could request
and clear a static IP address for each server?
No. No. I wouldn't worry about it.
Maybe I'll just give him a call.
Nah, it's fine. It's fine. It'll be fine.
- Well, maybe I'll just text him. - Jared! Oh my God!
Just... just stop with the second-guessing, hand-wringing,
pearl-clutching bullshit, okay, for just, like, a fucking minute.
You know what? Um, I waive your two weeks.
- You can go. - What?
You wanted to go? Go.
Bye. Thanks.
I'll order a Lyft home and...
What the fuck was that? You fired him?
He already quit, remember?
Besides, he was being a fucking asshole.
Jared was being an asshole?
Do you want to go with him?
Because, if you haven't noticed,
if we don't get this shit to Standford
and all set up by 9:00 a.m.,
we are fucked!
Okay, listen up, everybody,
here's the deal.
I was just talking to your foreman, Jung-Sho...
and he seems to feel that you are all working at maximum capacity
and that you cannot work any harder.
But I have just flown from America,
and I'm here to prove to you that he is wrong.
You can work harder, much harder.
How? With a little system I like to call
the conjoined triangles of success!
Come on.
Breaking news.
Hooli CEO Jack Barker
has been taken hostage by workers
at a Hooli factory in China,
which produces cell phones.
I want everyone to know I haven't been harmed...
and the workers here have assured me
that I will only be held as their honored guest
until Hooli has met their very reasonable request
for fair wages and for humane conditions.
On a more personal note, honey...
I have to stop now.
All right.
Holy shit. I think we can actually make it.
All right.
Okay.
What the fuck?
Shit. We must've left the work lights on all night.
Well, do we have jumper cables?
- Jared did. - Triple-A?
- Sounds like a Jared thing. - Wait.
Aren't Anton's racks full of backup batteries?
Okay. How much longer?
Give us a minute. We just need to connect a few more.
Uh, try it now.
Just fuck the batteries! We don't need 'em! Let's go!
- Okay, hold on. - Oh my God, just throw them away!
Okay, dude. Go, go.
Oh Jesus! Shit.
Oh, hey, Ashley. That was close.
Well, look, it won't be the last time you stop traffic, huh?
Little hottie.
But not now, when you're older.
I'm sorry, we have to... We have to go. Bye.
Back up, back up. Thank you.
Big Head. Hey, I need you to meet me at the loading dock
behind Spilker in 10 minutes. I'll explain there.
Now's not really a great time, Richard.
I'm sort of in the middle of something.
Wait. You said you already explained.
Yeah, I know. I did. Yeah, it's just... Big Head.
Come on, buddy, I need you.
Okay. Be right there.
Can I go to the bathroom?
Are you sure? We don't want to inconvenience you.
It's no trouble at all, and there's no need to send a negotiator.
I'm in Tibet. It's right next door.
Well, we'd be grateful to have this in such good hands.
We've missed you, Gavin.
Perhaps when you return, we...
Please. The only thing I'm concerned with right now
is bringing our boy home safe.
Fuck you, Jack Barker!
Hah!
Hey.
Opium? Are you fucking kidding me?
I was on the phone for, like, three minutes.
Big... Head.
Come on, get up.
We need to get to the airstrip.
_
Shit. Shit. Come on. Let's go, let's go.
Start unloading it. Come on.
Hey, man, so did you ever transfer all that data?
No, we just gotta unload our servers near the Sherlock arrays.
Servers? Richard, man, I told you, now is not a good time for this.
- I know, I know, I know. - You dick.
You never told Big Head
- we were bringing Anton here, did you? - Who's Anton?
He's everything that's packed into the back
of this giant fucking truck.
And you want to set it all up here?
Oh, dude, come on.
I told you I'm, like, so close to getting fired.
Big Head, come on. It's just for a bit.
Richard, you specifically told us that Big Head said this was okay.
That's what you fucking told us!
You lied to our faces again.
Come on, guys, we don't have time for this.
You were just going to show up and fucking steamroll him?
That was your whole plan? He's your oldest friend,
and you're okay just getting him fired?
He's Big Head!
He's gonna fall ass-backward into something, you know?
- He always does. - I'm not doing it.
- What? - I'm out too.
Now? We're-we're-we're... we're so...
We... we got it. We're here. W-we did it.
You... hypocrites.
You fucking hypocrites.
When I wouldn't use the fake users, you called me a pussy.
When I wouldn't lie on the stand,
you called me a pussy.
But now, when I'm actually doing
what you've been wanting me to do, you quit?
You're the pussies. You are the pussies.
I'm the only one that's trying to fucking...
save what we do here!
All this time we spent building this thing, and now,
now it falls apart because you two don't fucking do it?
- This is too much for you? Well, fuck you! - Hey, guys?
This is fine.
- What? - Yeah, my bad.
I thought you were talking about a lot more stuff.
Gre...
- Oh... - Fuck.
Fuck.
So, anyways, my office is unlocked
if you guys just wanna, like, toss that on my desk or whatever.
I should probably get back, though,
before that teacher guy gets me in trouble.
I'll see you guys.
How?
Who?
You had me open up the back... to get the batteries,
and then you told me not to put them back,
so... no one...
You know who would've remembered to close the door?
Jared.
It's Melcher.
Good luck with that.
_
Richard.
Can I come in?
Umm... I have company.
Is there a girl in there?
How many girls are in there?
Richard, what do you want from me? Nothing, it's just...
you were right about all of it.
I killed Anton,
and, uh, I lost all of Melcher's data,
everybody fucking hates me,
and I'm basically one blood boy away from being Gavin Belson.
I did not...
run the company with integrity...
but...
I'm gonna end it with some.
I'm going to Melcher's office, and I'm coming clean.
Anyway...
I'm really fucking sorry, man.
Well, I'll leave you alone now.
Hey. "This guy fucks."
Richard!
- What's this? - It's a job application.
I'd like to submit myself for a position with Pied Piper.
I'd really like to be there till the bitter end.
"Lordy, Lordy, looks who's 40."
That's the wrong one.
I gotta say, Gavin...
when that storeroom door opened,
and I saw your face grinning down at me,
I thought it was an angel.
When we get home, I'm going to do everything in my power
to get you back in the good graces of the Hooli board.
I can use a fellow of your talents, sir.
That's very gracious of you, Jack. Thank you.
Welcome aboard, gentlemen.
Our flying time to Mountain View is 11 hours and 36 minutes,
and we will be stopping off in Jackson Hole first.
Oh. Stopping off at Jackson Hole, are you, Gavin?
No, Jack. You are.
Jackson Hole is definitively out of the way. Everyone knows that.
But I don't mind dropping you off first,
this one last time.
Hey. What are you guys doing here?
Jared called us.
If you're gonna eat a giant plate of steaming hot shit,
we figured it should probably be a team effort.
Okay. Thanks.
Uh, I'll go check in.
Hi, could you tell Dan Melcher that Richard Hendricks
and the guys from Pied Piper are here to see him?
You guys are Pied Piper? The guys who built
our data storage network? It's awesome.
Oh. yeah, it was awesome until it crashed this morning.
I was just using it two minutes ago. It's working fine.
- Really? - Yeah.
Uh... what's he talking about?
It's up.
All of Melcher's data is there.
How is that possible?
What are those devices? Those aren't phones.
Why the fuck are you laughing?
You look fucking insane right now.
Look at that OUI prefixes in these MAC addresses.
Yeah, okay, so what are those?
Smart fridges.
About 30,000 of them.
Come again?
Jian-Yang's smart fridge must have been self-correcting.
In order to fit my "Suck it, Jian-Yang" video onto his fridge,
I had to add Pied Piper libraries to the firmware.
Other smart fridges must've seen this as an update.
- What? - The smart fridges talk to each other,
and they share the new software.
Right, so when we put that data onto Anton,
the last thing he did before he died
was back himself up onto a huge network of smart fridges.
Anton died so we could live.
Like Jesus.
Oh fuck.
Guys, do you realize what just happened?
We're still alive. The network is stable.
- Mm-hmm. - The new Internet works,
and this is the proof.
- We did it! - Yes, we did.
Wait a minute.
If Melcher never lost access to his data, what's he so upset about?
Richard! Richard! I'm so sorry.
We were tasting cakes, and then you called,
- and then it just... came out. - What came out?
- You son of a bitch! - Save yourself!
I'm guessing there's a story here.
- Stand down! No, no, no! - That's it! Help!
- Gavin. - Mmm.
I like your hair.
I like your eye.
Yeah, I... I got it from a woman.
She didn't hit me. No, the man did...
because of sex... that I gave to her.
So... welcome home,
and congratulations on getting your business back.
Thank you. And I should congratulate you
on your remarkable tech breakthrough.
I hear you're swimming in funding offers.
A few. I think we're gonna go with Bream-Hall.
- They seem to get us. - You haven't seen all the offers yet.
Richard, we were partners once.
I'd like to do it again.
This is an acquisition offer,
and it will make you a very wealthy man.
Let's do this together.
That's very kind of you.
- But... - Richard, at least look it over.
I can help you get exactly where you want to go.
I'm pretty sure I know where I want to go and how to get there.
If you reject me now, Richard, I will come after you. I'll devour you.
Think very carefully about what you're doing here.
Here's what I think, Gavin.
I think my decentralized Internet
threatens Hooli's box business model.
I think, basically, you are just a server company now,
and we intend to make servers obsolete.
So, I think perhaps in the end, I will be the one devouring you.
I gave you that patent.
Thanks.
Fair enough, Richard.
I shall look forward to the fight.
Right back at you, Gavy, baby.
Gavin.
Oh, um, did Erlich ever show up in Tibet?
No.
Jesus. What the hell did he order?
No. No. no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. Stop. Stop it. Stop it.
No. Don't.
http://hiqve.com/