FEAR CITY
a family comedy
But also real actors such as:
Relax, Sandy. It's me.
God, Ben! He'll kill us all!
Don't be so melodramatic.
The horrible Yuri is dead. He's nothing but memories now.
This whole horrible nightmare is over.
He hated us because we make good money...
...and, with his communistic ideas, money is a bad thing.
My God! He killed Jim...
...Susan...
...Ludovic...
...Maximilien...
...and Toto, too.
I know, it was horrible.
The Johnson's are coming over. I'm going to tidy up a bit.
Go take a bath. Nothing horrible can happen now.
Nothing horrible...
...can happen to us now.
That bath did me good.
Sandy! Look out!
I'm so sorry! It's horrible!
That's all right, dear. That's all right.
Damnit.
I'm almost there!
I'll call you back. It's horrible!
Damnit, the vacuum cleaner! I left it on!
OIL DO NOT GET THROWN IN
Look out behind you! It's horrible!
DO NOT GET THROWN IN AGAIN
Die! Dirty Communist!
So long, Yuri!
Pretty good, right?
Wait. Did you notice...
...how much action there is at the end?
If you fell asleep, you can see it again...
...there are other screenings.
Don't forget your press kit!
Nice to meet you.
Press agent, Odile Deray.
Take a kit. If you need more info...
...I'm at the Martinez.
I won't write a word. That film's a piece of shit!
You should see it again. Call me..
No deal, Deray!
Odile Deray! In any case, I'll call you.
I told you to keep all handbags on your lap.
Look! You were robbed.
Thanks Jeannine.
The managment is not responsible.
Warning. This film has been rated ''R''...
CANNES FILM FESTIVAL - DAY ONE
What's spotted ermine? How much? I won't yell.
See you tomorrow Jacques.
Hold on. What?
See you tomorrow. Let's hope we get a crowd.
I get paid the same. Button up...
...it's raining.
I think it stopped.
Say hi to your wife.
I will. What? So?
How much was it?
How much?
No, I won't yell.
How much ?! !
No, it was dead. Don't change the subject!
I'd rather die than sell the R.V.
Over my dead body... What? What?
Honey, I'm going to be cut off!
CANNES FILM FESTIVAL - DAY TWO
I'm sorry. The funeral's Tuesday.
Tuesday?
I can't make it. I would've loved to come.
That's nice of you. I hope it'll be a nice day.
It'll be more cheery.
- Tea? - Yes, thanks.
Is that him?
No, that's my dog.
Oh, of course.
Tell me about him. I hardly knew him.
He's a German Shepherd, well-trained...
- ...spayed. - No, your husband.
Jacques...
They slashed him with hammer and sickle.
But he was so handsome whole.
Clean, generous... Really generous.
Sugar?
Sixteen.
It's funny. The film I'm handling...
...is about a hammer-and-sickle killer. Incredible, hunh?
Look. His last gift.
I told him, ''It's crazy! We'll have to sell the R.V.''
Know what he told me?
He said, ''Let it ride!''
What a feeling! To read about my film in the papers!
I can still hear him! ''Let it ride!'' A real capricorn.
I'm a press agent. So of course I love the press.
We never used the R.V. anyway.
Somebody had to get killed for them to spill some ink! Incredible!
It wasn't much ink. Just one paper.
We never used the R.V. Well, one time.
No, two. Who could they interview anyway?
The director's in an asylum. The producer's in prison.
The star...
He must be free. He hasn't worked since.
We never used it.
It was in the garage for months, gathering dust.
If I have him whacked, it'll whip up interest.
Body guards. The whole bit!
I can just see the headlines.
''Star of "Red is Dead" Comes to Cannes Despite Danger''
Where's the phone?
I said, ''Either the coat or the R.V.''
And he said, ''Let it ride!''
GREEN PARTY REP. KILLED
Green Party Rep. Killed
- WHAT A CATCH ! - What A Catch!
Was it because he opposed the Martoni Project,..
...construction of the Megamilton Hotel on the Cannes beach...
...that ecologist Jacques Lelong was killed?
Joining us live by telephone, Philippe Lulu. Philippe?
Hello, Michel. His body was found...
- How are you? - Fine.
His body was found on one of the Lérins Islands...
...drowned a week ago. According to the coroner...
...the Green Party Rep.'s body was blue,
blue as the skies of the Riviera.
Suspicion abounds about Jean-Paul Martoni's role in the affair.
He is right now being questioned by police...
...and he may be charged shortly.
Call us back with any new developments.
Now turning to the Film Festival...
Arriving today; director Boldav Govaschlisev Scumsky.
His film Autumn Bugs is a favorite. Will it get the Palme, or won't it?
Also from Cannes, the strange murder...
...of a projectionist at the Cameo Theater...
...who was projecting a horror movie.
And now; for our Belgian friends who love arugula,..
PARIS, THAT SAME DAY
Kara!
- The boss is asking for you. - Sorry, Marc.
I stopped smoking -- I'm a bit nervous.
No problem.
I had problems...
...with my wife lately.
And they took my visiting rights away.
And as for my wife...
Hi, Tiffany.
That's pretty - is it cashmere?
Cotton!
I don't want to bother you...
...but can I sleep over? I lost my mother this morning.
She died?
No, I lost her. She was there and then - poof! - I lost her.
But my dog died. So if I could sleep over...
...just to have someone around.
Your dog died 3 times.
He suffered horribly.
Karamazov here yet?
Yes, sir. He's right here.
Send him in!
It was an accident, boss.
This isn't about Princess Valonni.
I got a call from the Cannes Festival. Ever heard of Cannes?
I went to camp there, when I was 7.
You're the man for the job.
You take the 10 AM flight to Nice.
Which should take off at about 1 PM.
It's 11 AM now.
- So what?! - No, but...
The person you're guarding is a movie star - Simon Jeremi.
You pick him up in Nice.
Your contact is Odile Deray.
D.E.R.A.Y...
...a press agent. You stay to the end of the festival.
This is no walk in the park.
There's a hammer and sickle killer...
...and there's some connection to her movie.
Some kind of iden... identification thing. Get it?
Yeah. More or less.
Which means...
...no more close contact protection for Princess Valonni.
Why not, Uncle?
I promised I'd keep you apart until her abor - ...
Until her what?
Until her abortion.
But we were...
No 'buts'! Enough bullshit!
And, for once in your life, think with your head, instead of your d -
Nice Airport.
2 minutes stop.
Odile Deray?
I'm looking for Odile Deray.
That's her!
You're Odile Deray?
No, I'm the Pope; I'm waiting for my sister.
I'm Odile.
- I'm from Security Inc. - And you are..?
At the airport.
Right, but what's your name?
Serge Karamazov. No relation. I'm an only child.
No, because Karamazov...
The Brothers... I'm not related.
Yeah, right. Sure.
That's funny.
Lulu?
I'm Lulu.
Cigarette?
No, thanks. I'm trying to quit.
Attention please, the rear of this plane will not stop at the city of HRMPFNG!
There he is!
- Bye, Simon. - Bye, Sylvie.
Simon, I'm Odile Deray.
This is Serge Karamazov.
No relation.
Mr. Karamazov will be in charge of your safety.
Do you have any luggages?
No one told me to bring luggages. Should I have tooken some?
No, no problem. Let's go.
What about your sister?
Mr. Karamazov, you drive. I'll get in the back.
Simon, you take the death seat.
Sit up front.
Right.
Power steering...
...leather interior...
...remote door locks...
Limited series Palme d'Or...
...a car which is a good...
...driving type car.
I'm going to make you a star, Simon.
You can't buy this publicity.
A real murder, just like in the movie During the Cannes Festival.
We'll need stills, right?
You're all right with stills?
- Yes. - Good.
I like working with good stills.
The Germans love the movie. They've always had good taste.
The Danes, too. Do you speak Danish?
You'll have to learn.
SköI öften Strüü
Repeat after me.
I'm so stupid. That's Swedish.
Wait. Excuse me...
...if you keep doing that, how am I supposed to...
...It's here somewhere...
Safety first.
All right, in back?
You're at the Martinez.
You know it?
You'll like it.
I want you to be happy.
You'll have to take him everywhere.
Everyone'll want to see him.
The magic of Cannes.
You can call me Serge.
Eye on the road, Kara! Simon, where should we eat?
Shit!
What's with you? Car-sickness?
No, when I'm happy, I vomit.
And I'm really happy.
I left my calendar in the theater.
It's not far. Drop me off here.
Shit.
Which is stronger, the hippopotamus or the elephant?
'Cause a hippo is pretty strong.
We have a reservation for Karamazov and Jeremi.
Fill out this card.
Aren't you hungry?
I'm hungry, hungry...
Can I be honest?
You're a pain.
Yeah, but I'm still hungry.
OK, what do you want to eat?
Whatever. Pork gums.
Where can we get good pork gums around here?
''Chez Laplaud.'' Best pork gums on the coast. Like a reservation?
Yes.
You're mine. All mine. And I'm all yours.
All of you. You, all of you. My whole body is yours.
Darling, you kill me. You're killing me.
What about my nose?
And my ears?
And my little belly button?
And my feet?.. No.
Come on, think. Think. Whose are they? Think. No.
One second.
And what about my...
I'm being cut off.
You'll love this room. Last year, Robert Goulet had it.
Security. I'll go in first.
Should I get the light?
I'll find it.
So you're an actor?
That's great.
How'd you get started?
I knew the usherette.
It's who you know, hunh?
I don't know anyone.
OK. We'll take the room.
Clean it up a little. At these prices that's the least you could do!
You mind giving me an autograph?
It's for my sister, Edwige.
''For.'' You wrote ''fur.''
Not ''H''. It's Edwige with an ''E''.
Not ''EE''. It's an ''I''.
Good. And an ''E'' at the end.
But you forgot to sign.
The key.
Simon, about the beds, should we flip for it?
So I'll take the other one.
I'm really happy.
- What happened? - Is there any progress?
This is the 2nd murder in this theater.
Is the movie that bad?
Listen..
Let the police do the job.
And be sure I'll give you answers as soon as possible.
Is it a serial killer? Are the festival-goers in danger?
Let the police do the job.
And be sure I'll give you answers as soon as possible.
Är det en serial killer som filmfestivalbesökarna har att frukta?
Lat polisen göra sitt jobb...
...jag kommer att informera sa fort jag vet mera.
Biales is sporting a silk and wool double-breasted suit, 6 buttons...
...with shirt and tie in a Calder-like pattern.
You called the press? Nice going!
No, Det. It was the lady who found the body. Odile Deray.
The victim was killed with a hammer and pickle.
No, a sickle. Well that's what the lab guys think.
Sure looks like ''pickle,'' no? Any other clues?
The killer scratched a 2nd letter in the wall. That makes ''O D''.
We have the Scrabble team on it.
O.D. ... D.O. ... ?
Like Do Re Mi. Must be a musician.
This guy is a maniac.
I hope you have a strong stomach. It's a butcher job in there.
Where's the crime site?
Over here.
It was horrible. Hiding in the corner, with those...
...eight big hairy feet and...
This is Odile Deray, who discovered the body.
Do you know Det. Biales?
Born in 1950 in the town of Oran, Algeria...
...his mother was vaudeville star, Alicia Lampero.
His father, Maurice, was a gendarme.
Patrick Humphrey Tiburce Biales was an only child.
Fortunately, his mother joined in his childhood games...
...because Mr. Biales was rarely at home.
In 1962...
...the Biales family left Algeria...
...for Nice.
Then they took a bus...
...to Cannes.
Patrick was twelve.
Wanting to please both...
...his mother and father,..
...he was torn between the stage...
...and the police. But...
...destiny decided for him because, in 1968...
...during the May riots, his father died...
...his head stuck in a subway grating.
So he took up the badge...
...and left the trapeze behind.
1971 . He finished 10th in the Nice Police Academy...
...with a B minus average, which doesn't suck but..
After solving two mysteries, he got his gold badge.
How many letters?
Nine.
Policeman.
He won the regional playoffs of Letters and Numbers...
...and so was promoted...
...to Chief Detective of Cannes, the post he still occupies.
Nice to meet you.
We're friends of the body discoverer.
All right. Go ahead.
Not you! No sneakers!
Is Miss Deray here?
She went to change. Then they took her to the station.
That's very inconvenient.
I got here 4 hours ago. They gave me this guy to protect.
So I protect him. That's my job.
Right. I understand.
First he vomits in the car.
Really disgusting. Who knows if it'll come clean.
Then, in the room, same thing. We had an appointment at a restaurant.
He's hungry. And he ate nothing. He drank O.J.
We wait. She doesn't come.
See that? It's a Cin-a-thon!
Right. A Cin-a-thon. So now what do I do with this guy?
Yeah, I see.
It's amazing. That's my 1 st real Cin-a-thon.
Go take a closer look.
So, anyway, she calls me. She says she discovered another body.
So she'll be late. Right. So how long does it take to discover a body?
What? 1 hour, 1 and 1/2 ?
Tops.
Don't touch stuff.
It's been over 2 hours. What am I supposed to do with him?
Think of taking him to Aqua-Splash?
No. Hey, Simon, tomorrow we go to Aqua-Splash.
There's the orange juice.
I'm Philippe Garcia and this is Dets. Sens and Bestel.
It's my duty to inform you...
...this will all be filmed.
No, Detective. The thingamajig is busted.
Bestel fucked the whole thing up.
It's my duty to inform you, this will all be NOT filmed.
Miss Deray, you can't eat frankfurters in here.
NO EATING FRANKS
What are you going to do?
Lock me up for frank eatery?
Tell us about your relationship to the victims...
...Mr. Jacques and... what's the other guy's name?
Mireille.
None, I hired them and then they died.
So it's the 2nd murder...
...involving this film.
Right.
Good for publicity.
And your job is whipping interest for the film. Am I mistaken?
Yes, ''whipping interest''.
It's ''whipping up interest''.
Let's not get picky.
You think I'm stupid enough to kill people like in my film...
...so it'll be more successful?
No one said you were stupid.
I did, at first. But now I think you're wonderful.
I didn't kill them, if that's what you're thinking.
I'll take a lie detector test.
Why not?
We can't, boss.
Bestel was trying something, hooked it to his C.B. and it went...
All right, all right.
Don't leave Cannes for a while.
I have no intention of leaving.
With all that's happened, I've got work to do.
I was at the Cameo. Look what we found.
A finger.
No, I'm kidding. This is what we found.
Fabric?
What could that be?
Fabric has existed...
...since ancient times.
It's estimated that it was invented about a long time ago, B.C.
''The ant is no lender,'' as La Fontaine said.
Back on the national front, and the murder of the Green Rep...
J.P. Martoni has been indicted...
but the N.R.P. leader can't be found, despite numerous court summons.
Our correspondant, Jacques Izdelebrouf.
We seem to have a slight technical problem.
Let's go directly to the Festival. Tonight, the official...
...screening of Octet - The Blacksmith's Resignation...
...by the Uzbek director Mirjovsky Ibisklivackse...
...whose moving portrayal of...
All right.
I'm told the report isn't quite ready.
Also in beaut, beauti... -- makes me stammer --
...beautiful Cannes, the 2nd murder of a projectionist...
...with hammer and sickle...
...as he projected the film "Red is Dead".
The press agent is being questioned by Det. Biales,..
...says she knows nothing...
...but also says, ''See the movie.'' Now...
I'm told no report.
CANNES - DAY THREE
What time is it?
9:30 A.M.
Already?
My watch is a little fast.
Last night, the official screening of The Suicide of Herman Brooks...
...by Verner Skobletsin.
You like your new room?
Fine. Don't sit there. He vomited again.
...the famous fartman...
...Mizou Mizou, who lit up...
...the walk with his presence.
Mizou had performed...
the evening before...
all of Carmen
Everything's going great. There's a lot of light on the film.
The Americans want remake rights. I'm negotiating with the Germans.
Kara, hurry up. The press conference is at 11 .
I'll get it.
Sarah Connor?
Next door.
I've got lots of press. Even two political reporters.
This conference is big.
Sarah Connor?
Yes?
Simon, sell this film for me.
Find some gimmicks, catch phrases.
Like what?
Well, like, like...
...catch phrases!
- Like what? - Like catch phrases!
Kara, you really have to be his bodyguard.
I want to really dazzle them.
I believe, I believe!
Could you stop smoking in my face? I'm trying to quit.
How did you do it? I can't.
I just play the trumpet. It's a substitute.
I get it. You make the same motions.
Same notes, too.
Because...
Ready Simon? All decked out?
Right. I'd better do something.
TOOLS AND MACHINERY
You know Christine, from cosmetics?
The one with the pimples?
Yeah, the ugly one. She found a man.
She didn't!
I swear. She gets him home, on the couch...
...and she comes back 5 mins. later, naked, says, ''What's your pleasure?''
And what did he do?
He beat it out of there. So I told her, next time be romantic.
We're starting.
So the next time, she's going to take a bath...
...so she won't go naked; she wraps the quilt around her.
And the guy froze his balls off?
So the quilt gets caught in the door.
So to get loose, she drops the quilt. And he says,..
...''It's only cellulite. I love you just the way you are.''
Unbelievable!
I swear!
This is her first boyfriend.
- With those pimples - - You're not interested?
The two in the back, not interested?
Sure we are.
I'll repeat it for you.
After the screening, you'll have Q and A with Simon Jeremi...
...the star of "Red is Dead".
Of course, I've provided a list of the killer's victims.
The real killer, not the one in the movie.
The widows are here as well.
Thanks for your attention. Enjoy the movie!
No, not at all.
Darling, there's no risk, or I wouldn't get a risk bonus.
I do all this to make you happy. And then you...
Hold on a second.
If you have to step out a second, then go ahead.
I can't leave you alone.
But you're sick.
Go relieve yourself.
Relieve yourself.
What was I saying?
It stinks in here.
I'm going.
By all means.
Go ahead.
I'm next door.
I know where.
May I?
Whatever. Take it all.
This will kill me.
Martine!
Secu!
How's it going?
Fine!
I'll pick it up on the way home.
It won't kill me.
You're here for the festival?
He's back.
I'm being cut off.
You could hurt yourself with that thing.
Let me help. Just say the word.
So what's going on?
I'm seropositive.
I was just kidding!
Fuck! I don't need this.
Out of the way!
I really got to shit!
Meanwhile, in Vera Cruz...
Anything else?
That will be all, thanks.
How much is that?
13.95
Outa the way, fucking mimes!
Are you all right?
You need something?
No, it's all right. I have paper.
CANNES - DAY FOUR
KILLER STRIKES AGAIN
Fax it to me right away.
For the Tuesday screening, an American company...
...will sell us the latest in metal detectors.
I'm still waiting for tomorrow's guest list.
It's 300,000 more but it's top-of-the-line.
Extra. Cannes Killer Strikes Again!
"Red is Dead" takes Festival by storm! ..
Five cents, sir.
Martoni still a suspect.
The police is questioning a deaf eye-witness.
Here's the ad for the new projectionist.
Yes. Already three dead.
Read it to me.
''SK. PROJ. PVTE. SCRNING. JUJIT. HLPFL. CLL. HOT. MART.''
Add ''more if compatible.'' It's more personal.
Absolutely.
There's 1 with a ringer, too.
Let's say you pass by and you're wearing braces...
Almost got me. Pretty good item.
I'm not sure about the color.
White tuxedo.
And there's one with Tahitian music.
The P.M. edition!
You can mix sounds.
In any case,..
...in Cannes, death doesn't bring you down, right Jocelyne?
Right. Last night, the official screening...
...of Volapuk Zoltek, by Govaschlisev Scumsky...
...was upstaged by the "Red is Dead" party.
Three deaths in three days...
...have made this film the sweetheart of Cannes.
A real fairy tale...
...for "Red is Dead", which is being snatched up sight-unseen.
To celebrate, the film's producers...
...last night threw a ''Murder Party'' at the Villa Belair.
Stars from all over...
...mingled with reporters.
Cake, champagne, fireworks...
...nothing was left out, not even the hammer...
...and sickle, the evening's motif.
The woman behind the scandal, or at least...
...the glory, was bursting with joy...
...although she had reserves.
There's too much talk about the events...
...and perhaps not enough about the film itself.
But it's true this is great.
And you, Simon? Happy?
He's really happy!
Busy with his investigation...
Det. Biales nevertheless had this to say:
Let the police do the job.
We'll catch this murderer.
What's the killer's motive? Who will be the next victim?
No matter. Last night in Cannes, it was time to celebrate.
Thank you, Jocelyne.
Are Lapp beavers hermaphrodites?
That's the question for this Belgian scientist...
What? No, we're all booked up.
For three weeks.
This guy's dreaming.
I have an appointment. with Det. Biales. Odile Deray.
Follow me, please.
WAR AND PEACE
Waiting long?
No, I just got here.
Excuse me, Det...
Patrick.
Excuse me... Patrick.
I had to debrief the projectionist for tomorrow.
He'll be up all night.
Thanks. And bring us...
...some snapawogs...
...to peck on.
Some job getting out all the invitations.
Will the Lt. Governor be there? Will Martoni come?
If Martoni comes, the Lt. Gov. won't.
Enough about your movie. Tell me about yourself, sweepea.
Odile.
I'm Odile. Sweepea is Popeye's friend.
Sweepea is Popeye's baby. His friend is Wimpie.
Oh, sorry.
It's this film. All this pressure.
Tell me about yourself.
Where do you come from?
Dijon. I started out as press agent for...
...''Mustard and Movies''.
Fascinating. What was it about?
Mustard and movies.
Great.
My first car was a Peugeot.
Incredible.
My cousins slept at my grandma's.
Fabulous.
So I slept downstairs, 'cause I leant him my sweater.
You're wonderful.
Are you married?
Your snapawogs.
Careful, the plate is hot.
Don't eat me! Don't eat me!
I was married; we split up four years ago.
He was big in tripe. You know ''Le Mans Tripe - Always Ripe''?
It was famous back home.
And since then?
No one.
No one? Not one affair in four years?
Don't you miss it?
Not at all.
What's the House Special Venipudding?
It's delicious!
Two venison legs - it's for two.
Two venison legs, firm...
...and slightly parted...
...and stuffed with thick cream...
...drenched in hot white wine, dripping...
...over the fleshy part...
...of the animal.
They're snugly tied...
...on a bed of watercress.
- How's the watercress? - It's at once tender...
...and tough.
Tied, really tied? It can't get away?
The watercress is my slave.
Where were you? Odile was looking for you.
Wait.
I bust my ass...
...all day...
...for your safety! Right or wrong?
Right.
Right!
And this Odile Deray...
...can't tell me where she is!
But I know where she is.
Should I take you home?
Wanna know where?
She's with Rick Hunter.
What does this...
...Rick Hunter know about women?
I don't know.
Nothing.
He knows nothing.
Hey, that's not your bottle!
But I know.
Everyone I escorted I fucked.
Irina De Frosberger - fucked her.
Jocelyne Turner - fucked her.
Prince Patrick of Moldavia - fucked him.
I was plastered but I did anyway fuck him.
Odile Deray. Ms. Odile Deray...
...I can't fuck her.
'Cause like...
...she, I can't fuck her.
What was I saying?
- You like Mozart? - Yes, which one is it?
The latest one.
Come, Odile. Come on in.
Whisky?
Just a finger.
Don't want a whisky first?
You have a brush?
Thanks. So were you.
You were wonderful.
In the drawer, near the phone.
CANNES KILLER STRIKES AGAIN
''SK. PROJ. PVTE. SCRNING...
''CLL. HOT. MART...
''MORE IF COMPATIBLE.''
Know the difference between...
...a fridge and a woman?
It's so silly.
A fridge doesn't moan when you take...
...your meat out.
Pretty funny, hunh?
A little racy, but funny.
Fuck Odile Deray!
We're going now, we're going.
I get my hands on her, I'll punch her lights out!
And we'll pay for the damages. No problem.
I'll break her face, that bitch!
You wouldn't believe what I just found out!
Kara, we have to...
DUE TO BUDGETARY LIMITS...
...THE SOUNDTRACK OF THIS SCENE WAS PRODUCED ORALLY
No one ever died from credit problems.
This job is great. People kill over a gig like this!
- Goddamn, you do a great cat! - Thanks.
I mean it. Really.
Thanks, from the bottom of my heart.
You ordered coffee?
Shh! We're recording.
Hey I'm not your maid!
Oh shut up!
- Shut your face! - Suck me off!
I'm being snipped off!
No! It's ''cut off,'' not ''snipped off''!
Really?
Weren't you watching?
I do this part-time. I can't get full-time, so I'm...
You could take an interest!
I'm trying but it's not very...
Look! The killer is wounded!
He hurt his finger!
He got hurt bad!
Yeah. His finger.
WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE...
...THAT THE SOUNDTRACK WILL NOW BE NORMAL.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE.
CANNES - FINAL DAY
9 A.M.
Who gets it next?
Who's the next victim?
Who will dare...
Oh, sorry.
HAMMER AND SICKLE KILLER
HAMMOR PICKLE KILLER
Here comes lethal weapon.
Hello!
Where were you?
Well, I had to take care of...
While you were taking care, I got a projectionist for tonight.
The Festival direct line. Now we can always reach you.
- Calf's head? - For me.
Where is the projectionist?
Be right here. He went to get a paper.
Want the eyes? I don't eat them.
Hey, he better buy...
...tomorrow's paper, because he's not in today's.
He should buy tomorrow's paper, about his death.
And I entrusted tonight's security to...
How could I trust a guy like that?
Come on! I just had a few too many.
Shut up, Kara. Not you. I was talking about Patrick...
...about Det. Biales.
Strange, those letters...
...the killer leaves. O.D.I., now L.
What does it mean? LIDO? Maybe it's a dancer.
Pass the tripe.
One thing about the murders. I have a theory.
Pass the sugar.
I'm pwetty sure it's a sewial kiwuh.
What?
I think it's a sewial kiwuh.
A what?
A sewial kiwuh
Hu?..
A serial killer. A killer in series.
Sewial kiwuh.
That's what I said.
We're all out of brains. Would you like some heart?
OK, heart. Make sure it's raw.
Biales has the profile.
He has everything they describe in F.B.I. studies.
For example?
Everything. The close-cut suits, the haughty attitude...
...those skinny fingers...
...the way he says, ''Let the police do the job''...
Relax, Kara!
I'm relaxed.
A piece of potatoe there.
Thanks..
You can't know how a woman feels when a man disappoints her.
How do we catch Biales?
I thought of a giant booby trap...
...with a big piece of cheese. The killer sees...
Quiet! Here he is!
Emile!
Emile Gravier, our projectionist,..
...Simon Jeremi, star of "Red is Dead"...
...and Serge Karamazov, in charge of your safety.
You haven't changed, Emile. How long has it been?
16 years, 8 months, 21 days...
...4 hours... 37 minutes.
It was a Tuesday.
Been a while!
I was working at ''Mustard and Movies.''
In Dijon.
That's where I met Odile.
We were a hell of a team.
Who was it? There was...
...there was Henri...
And the tall one.
André.
No, the tall one!
- André. - No, the tall one!
And little Sylvie.
We had some laughs!
And the mother...
Sylvie's mother was a baker.
And she had a bakery on the corner of Michel and Didelot.
Michel...
...or Pasteur?
Anyway, so we all get there, and her father...
...Sylvie's father's name was...
...Paul, and there was big André...
...no, Henri. Right Odile?
What a guy!
So the guy comes in and says, ''One loaf, please!''
In a butcher shop.
I told it wrong.
You better go now.
If you're working tonight...
...you'd better get a look at the machine.
Kara, could you take him to the center?
Thanks, Emile. That's a load off my head.
9 P.M. CANNES - The same day
Cannes... ...has put on its finery tonight.
Prestigious Cannes, fairy-tale Cannes at the hour of great cinema!
Right, Carole, if the weather holds out.
Don't be pessimistic. The weather...
...will be fine. Here's the Lt. Gov.'s wife...
...escorted tonight by MickaëI, her youngest.
Who's pretty grown up.
Behind them...
Bruno, of ''Bruno Shirts,'' one of Cannes' nicer stores.
Over there! look! A star!
I don't know who it is.
I think I saw him in a movie. Or on TV, I think...
No, Carole. I'm told that's our Prime Minister.
Right. I knew...
...I'd seen him on TV. I knew I'd seen that face.
And here's Mrs. Jacques, widow of the first projectionist.
She looks fabulous...
...in her gorgeous ermine coat.
An emotional moment.
Yes it is, Carole.
Without all these murders, there'd be no party. So, a tribute...
...to one of those who made this magic possible.
All right, you can't get killed on the steps.
Unless there's a lone gunman, but I doubt it.
No one in the aisles. I want to see everyone's badge!
There's a crowd.
It's the red carpet.
The Festival. Ever hear of it?
Quite a crowd.
Want some gum?
Come on, have some gum.
MUSTARD and MOVIES
If you fell asleep...
...you can see it again. There are other screenings.
Come on, have some gum.
You really dressed up tonight!
It's for tonight. Our dinner date.
You said we'd have dinner. So, since the festival's almost over...
I completely forgot!
I'm going to a hop with my main squeeze.
That's the 7th time you forgot.
I'm so sorry.
It's the festival. All this pressure...
I'm disappointed.
You promised. I'm going to tell you something:
You can't fool one person a thousand times...
Yes. You can fool, uh...
...1 000 persons once,... uh... 1 000 times...
No! You can fool one time a thousand...
You can't fool once...
...a thousand people.
We can't fool a thousand times...
I got to go.
Bye, Emile.
...a thousand times. Right.
Bye, Emile.
Bye, Sylvie.
See you!
Whatever happens to me you'll always be in my life.
Everybody's waiting. It's time to go.
OK, Carole. The crew of "Red is Dead"...
...has just arrived!
Including Odile Deray, press agent and...
...an insider. It's hard to get an invitation so it must be an insider.
We should say...
...no one's seen the movie. Have you?
No. But still...
...let's be candid. There's no time to see movies when you have to...
...get your hair done, find a dress.
You look very nice.
Thank you, Jean.
Here's Det. Biales!
Biales looks very elegant in his tuxedo by...
Sh sh.. No brand names!
His tuxedo by...
Sh sh... No Brand Names, 8, av. de la Calanque...
...in Antibes.
Simon! Simon!
Luc!
His name is Simon.
Simon!
Get up here! I can't hold them back!
Here's the Lt. Gov.'s wife again!
Serge!
Corinne!
Excited buzz! Excited buzz!
Kara to Régis!
The red button, Régis.
Régis here.
We need another suit, and quick.
All right. I'll get it.
What size suit?
And now I see...
...tonight's star, the up-and-coming 5th victim...
...the projectionist of tonight's film.
His name is Emile Gravier, that's all we know.
Here's Mrs. Martoni...
...wife of the senator-murderer, coming up the steps.
She's seen someone.
It's her husband!
Wasn't he in prison?
That's Martoni! Get him!
All the exits are blocked.
Let me in, I have an invitation!
- Emile, Emile! - Luc! Luc!
Emile! His name is Emile!
E x
c u s e m e.
D e t e c t i v e
B i a l e s.
H e r e a g a i n
t h e L t . G o v . . .
Stop, it's over.
WE WANT OUR INVITATIONS BACK!
Better call the nurses!
And you! Do something!
All these years, all these deaths -- wasted!
It isn't fair!
I don't deserve this!
I could project the film.
You can? That's great! How?
I'm a projectionist.
NOW THERE'S A FORTUNATE COINCIDENCE!
I wanted to be in movies, so my father said ''Actor,''...
...but I wanted to be projectionist, because I'm not really an actor.
How much time you need?
About ten mins. ought to do it.
Kara, you have your trumpet?
Now for once, do exactly what I say, OK?
I love this piece.
Can you dance the carioca?
It's not a fox-trot or a polka
It's very simple to do
Just watch my feet and you'll see
It's not a tango or a cha-cha
And it's sure no bossa nova
Once you've learned, it's part of you. That's all...
...you'll ever want to do.
Hoo-rah!
Let's dance the carioca
That's the way! Just like me, it'll take youse far!
Hoo-rah!
With the carioca...
...who cares if you say,..
...to other dances, ''Ta-ta!''
You need anything?
Clean towels and hot water!
That's all?
Pork gums! I'm a little hungry. Quick!
Now that you dance the carioca...
...who cares about the polka?
Who needs the rumba?
The hula or the cha-cha?
Every morning when you awake...
...the carioca makes you shake
Your whole day starts to shine...
...with every step you take
Hoo-rah!
Let's dance the carioca
Just like me, it will take youse far
Listen, I did everything I possibly could.
I did my best.
At this point in time, it's in God's hands, and let's do it.
Did you load the film?
Hoo-rah
Let's dance the carioca
Just like me...
It will take youse far.
Hoo-rah!
Let's dance the carioca
Who cares if you say, to everyone, ''Ta-ta!''
More! More!
I hate to improvise.
With a good agent, we could get a tour.
What's the name?
Grimaldi. With all my...
We found Martoni.
Shit. I'd completely forgotten.
The autograph will have to wait. Let's go.
I'm so sorry. It's the film. All this pressure.
Dad, some guys would kill for this job. Don't cut me off.
Feeling better?
This is my job.
I know, I was just trying to help.
It's you!
But why?
Because.
- That's no reason. - Yes, it is.
Want to know?
A while ago, I called Odile to ask her for work.
She didn't even know me.
All those promises, forgotten!
That's why I killed them. So she'd remember me.
She made me a murderer.
Look out behind you!
You can't fool me.
You can fool 1,000 people 1 person but you can't...
Yes, you can.
You can't fool 1,000 people once...
...but you can fool 1,000 people once.
Eat that, dirty communist!
Watch out! Behind you!
Idiot. That's the last reel!
I thought it was weird. They were just eating...
Go see what's happening.
I'll kill Odile, and myself. But first I'm going to kill you.
OK, but close your mouth.
I'll call you!
Listen, Martoni. This is not your day.
Come on, have some gum.
So you're the murderer.
I knew it all along.
No, it's not me.
Get him! He's the killer.
Emile is the killer!
Nice going! And I thought you were dumb!
What's going on?
What happened?
It was Emile. He's the killer.
He was caught by the giant booby.
Listen,..
...he isn't a booby, he's a police detective.
So Patrick, you're innocent?
You had doubts?
At your house, the hammer, sickle, the killer's mask... I thought..
What did you think, exactly?
The truth is much simple.
I was - how shall I say...
I'm a cop -- just a cop.
My God, what a silly girl I've been.
We've both been silly girls.
The Lt. Gov. wants you, on the direct line.
Yes, your Honor?
All the exits are blocked. Martoni can't get out.
No. I only saw the beginning of the movie.
The beginning was very good.
Well, I had some ballet lessons.
Don't move! ..
...or she's dead.
Hold on, your Honor.
Who's that?
Jean-Paul Martoni, a shady politician...
...an ecologist killer...
...who wants to turn the beach into a parking lot.
Don't worry, Odile, I'll take care of this.
Stop! Stay where you are! I want a helicopter. I want...
...your men to let me leave.
Otherwise, she's dead. No more boobies to save you!
He's a police detective!
You're bluffing. He's bluffing.
Maybe not.
Sure he is. He's bluffing. You can tell.
Doesn't look like he's bluffing.
Sure he's bluffing.
I agree with Biales. Bluff.
Let's take a vote. I vote he's bluffing.
You're stalling for time!
You asked for it!
I'll kill her.
You're bluffing.
Your gun isn't loaded.
- Bastard! - I voted ''No Bluff''!
Maybe all he had was one bullet.
That's really pushing it.
Lt. Governor?
No, this is Karamazov, I'm with security.
We have a hostage situation. Det. Biales is badly injured...
...and a girl with really bad make-up.
A chopper in 10 mins., or she's dead.
He wants a chopper in 10 mins., or she's dead.
Says you're bluffing.
Tell him I'm out of knees.
Says he's out of knees... He says, ''What's that got to do with it?
Enough. I'm counting down. 5,4,3,2,1 and when I get to zero, boom!
I'll blow her brains out.
He says, ''5,4,3,0, boom, brains.''
Confusing!?
It loses in translation.
Five...
Four...
Three...
Two
Let's get the chopper. There's only 1 left.
One..
I could never tell you before...
How can I replay you? You saved my shoulders!
I surrender.
I've always loved you.
I know.
Have some gum...
...and talk to me some more.
I always wanted to say...
You can fool...
...1 person 1,000 times...
You can fool 1,000 people...
...one time...
But you can't fool...
...1,000 people 1,000 times.
Right. Because I'm the murderer!
Just kidding.
You sure the elephant's stronger than the hippo?
Positive. I read a book on it...
...which explains that their strength is concentrated in the trunk.
Of the elephant I mean.
Nice going!
You managed to scrap a waterfront hotel complex...
...1 of the most advanced projects ever.
I hope you're proud of yourself. I lost a few million, but who cares?
The main thing is, you're happy.
Go ahead. Admit you're happy.
I'm really happy.
Still got a little there.
Boy I am happy.
Please! A little decency! Leave us alone.
I hope it goes all right. I'm so worried.
It'll be all right. The doctors said I'll walk again.
No, I mean the movie.
All you care about's your knees. You're so selfish!
Let's go out to eat. My treat!
No. Dutch treat.
OK. Whatever you say.
Could we drop our arms? I got a cramp.
All's well that ends well.
Yeah, but Emile was buried with his secret.
What secret?
Those letters on the wall after each murder, O - D - I - L...
Whatever could it mean, ''ODIL''?
No idea. That's a real mystery.
I'm hungry. Chinese food would make me really happy.
Italian.
Definitely Italian.
MORE TO COME DURING CREDITS...
In conclusion, today's newspaper review.
- Hi, Louise. - Hi, Jacques.
-Hi, Michel. -Hi, Jacques.
Today's special report is on "Red is Dead"...
...which was screened last night in the Festival Center.
So, Louise, I imagine...
...it made all the front pages.
- No. - What do you mean, no?
Because there are... no papers.
Why are there no papers?
They're on strike.
Newspaper strike.
- No papers. - Nothing, nothing.
And now to... Thanks Louise, thanks Michel.
Now to the Squabowl Festival...
...a favorite among Belgians, who recently discovered...
...the weird vegetable which bears a striking resemblance to testicles.
Subtitles by Michael Katims
Processed by C.M.C. - Paris
RE-synchronized by: SILLYCOD
I forgot the butter.
I knew you forgot something.