Look at you.
- Look over here. Okay, great, great. All right, let's do this.
- Do you like my new dress? - Okay, ready?
All right, say "cheese. "
Cheese... - Oh, wait. Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Maybe it's just me, but can I just say, why "cheese"?
I know it's not your fault, obviously you didn't make it up, but please,
it makes us look like pod people.
How about something more snapshot like?
Au naturel.
That's good. - I think we've got it, though, don't you?
I'm living the dream over here.
Honey, did you see that young man Cousin Dougy brought with him?
He's been staring at you all afternoon.
Don't destroy the cake. I used fresh tangerines.
Can you taste it in the frosting?
Has he really? It's delicious. Yeah, God, his eyes are gorgeous.
They're kind. And they're gorgeous. Go on.
- I'll go over. - You will?
- Yeah. - Okay. All right.
Oh, but, honey.
- Just don't do that thing you do. - What thing, Mom?
Oh, you know that little thing. It's no big deal.
That, you know, when you're insecure, you're self-conscious,
that little very loud, nervous laugh?
Honey, it's adorable, but...
Oh, God, look, there she goes. Oh, look.
Oh, I know, we see it.
She only buttons the part she can see in the mirror.
At least she shaves more than the front of her legs now, she's got almost the whole...
- Hi. - Hi.
- Okay, it's going... - It's okay.
Yeah.
Uh-oh. Kiss of death.
It was so... You're beautiful.
Are we going to do the picture? All right, let's do this.
- Let's just do it, okay? - Okay.
This time I think we should pose.
I think we should pose for one.
Oh, wait a minute, wait. Hold on for just one second, okay? Where's Mil?
Oh, God, how did we lose her?
Milly? Where are you?
I'm upstairs, with Uncle Harold's nephew.
The politically-active open-hearted journalist?
Mil, let me get your sisters in on this.
Maggie, what do you do?
You hit "Speaker," Mom.
No, no, I know. Okay, I knew that, but...
No, but the one that says "speak. "
- Mil, we're here, we're all here. Hi.
So how's it going?
- It's good. - It's good.
Okay. The only thing is
I think he may have a hot dog with a bun.
Are you having a picnic? What?
No. Uncircumcised is back in.
You know that guy I dated before Derek, he had a...
And I preferred it because it was so much more dramatic.
When it finally made its appearance, you were like...
What's in there?
- Just stop it for a second. - Just a little...
This is your wedding. All right.
Honey, just remember, he's accomplished and he's considerate.
And don't forget, you have one breast smaller than the other.
Thank you, Mom. God.
Wait, didn't he get back together with his wife?
Oh, no.
Well, Milly, congratulations on your first wedding.
Let's hope it's the first of many. Cheers.
All right.
A little thyme, remember? For hope.
And they say lavender for remembrance.
But my grandmother preferred marigolds
'cause she said it made you remember only the good stuff.
I feel like making love to you
My God. All right, we gotta cut off the champagne
and get some food in their stomachs before there's an encore.
Let's go ahead and get the entrées ready, all right?
Thank you.
Not a good time.
Honey, I was just thinking about that brilliant
but went-overboard- with-the-teeth-bleaching flute player from Ohio.
Yup, he actually stopped by work to surprise me.
- Hey. How sweet.
He's getting to know my staff as we speak.
I guess I was wrong. I mean, I had him pegged
for one of those guys who wants you till he's got you
and then doesn't think twice about sleeping with your best friend.
You know, that kind of guy.
- No, no, Mom. He's great. - Beautiful, beautiful.
You know, Mom, I gotta go. We're about to serve the entrées.
And I wore those shoes that we just bought,
no wonder they were on sale, my feet are killing me.
I'm gonna call you when I get home, okay? I love you, bye.
Milly.
You have no messages.
Oh!
That's it, Cooper.
Whose idea was this? A Korean spa?
Mine. - Oy.
Ma, why do you wear the high-tops?
I just got these. What's wrong with these?
They're just kind of depressing.
They're kind of something you would wear in a hospital.
Wait a sec, I'll have you know, young ladies,
that this underwear enhances the female form,
highlighting the elegance of the waist and making the legs appear longer,
instead of the... Well, I'm sorry to say this,
but the awful, you know, foreshortening aspect of a thong,
which breaks up the body disproportionately.
Mom, come on, for your 60th birthday, we're gonna break you down
and we're gonna buy you something beautiful,
something that Grandma Moses would not wear.
Yes, you are. And speaking of your birthday,
we've talked about possibly,
- like, a really small party. - We feel you should have a party.
- Not a big one. - Just intimate.
- Elegant... - Something very sophisticated.
Because it's a really big milestone for you, Mom.
- No. Misses, no. Absolutely no. - Misses...
No, I'm not going to talk about it, we're not going to think about it
and certainly I'm not gonna not celebrate the fact that my life is basically over.
- Ma. - But I did find a recipe
for a butterscotch buttercream cake that is to die for.
We got her. Totally got her.
Massage naked. Take all clothes off.
No. Not now, pal. No.
No.
Whose idea was this?
Which one of you could possibly think that I would ever enjoy this?
No, it was not. It was so you.
Just you wait.
No.
Hi, babe.
Okay.
Honey, I'm worried about you.
It's not sad sobbing. I promise, Mom, I'm fine, I'm fine.
It's just the pressure point reflex thing.
Pardon?
What kind of oil would you like?
Oh, wakana oh yulike to you too.
- Mom. - What? It's a greeting.
Hey, wait. What are you... What are you...
What are you doing here now? Hey, that's the head. That's...
Soft to hard. Soft to hard.
God damn it.
Oh, my God.
Girls, she's not back with Rafferty, is she?
She doesn't want to talk about it, Mom.
I knew it. I thought we got rid of that pathologically ambivalent narcissist
three years ago when he almost stood you up at Mae's wedding.
Well, you know what, Mom?
He's never gonna stand me up again
because he's been sleeping with my ex-boyfriend.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
I could kill him. Oh, God.
You deserve somebody who wants you,
somebody who's as good and as kind as you are.
Why do you always have to put me down?
- I'm not putting you... - Yes, you are.
Love is supposed to make you feel good about yourself.
You shouldn't have to settle for crumbs.
Okay, okay. I know. I'm an idiot, okay?
- I'm done. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, no. No.
All right. You're the psychologist in the family.
What do you think we should do about your sister?
I swear, with men, she's like psychotic flypaper.
They're either gay, married, unavailable or out of their minds.
No, Mom, you have to leave her alone. You have to quit making her so insecure.
She had the least amount of time with Dad
who wasn't exactly a great male role model.
And stop being a helicopter, Mom, you're hovering.
You're right, you're right.
I'm gonna back off,
I'm gonna give her some space to sort things out for herself.
Good.
Yeah.
If only I could choose for her.
- No. - No. That is so...
That is so Fiddler on the Roof.
Your parents didn't choose for you.
Yeah, but maybe they should have.
You know what I think? I think you're fixating on her
to avoid dealing with this very big birthday you have coming up.
I am not fixating on her.
Is it crazy for me to want her to have
one healthy relationship in her life?
I mean, come on, if she keeps up this pattern
of wrong choice after wrong choice...
I mean, okay, one thing when you're in your 20s,
but 20 years later, it's not so pretty.
Maggie?
I don't...
I don't want her to end up alone.
You know what I realize?
I give up the search. I don't need anybody. I mean, look at Mom.
She's been single most of her adult life and she's lived a great life.
So you know what? I'm going to be just like you, Mom.
Just like you.
Milly, you are gonna thank me for this later.
Okay.
"Adult Friend Finder. "
"Over 14 million members. " Well, that's a very good sign.
I like how they use the word "friend. "
Friendship is the cornerstone of any good relationship.
Oh, my God. Oh, sorry, Coop. I'm sorry, honey. Wait, okay. Wait. Shoot.
Eat my dick.
No, no, no. Be quiet, okay? Gone, gone. All goney, right? Gone.
Cooper, quiet.
Gateway customer support. May I help you?
Mr. Online Support?
Yeah, no. What's happened is my computer has apparently frozen.
No, I was just doing a little bit of pre-Christmas online shopping.
Why do you need to know what site I'm on?
Oh, my God.
God darn.
Hello, is this We Match 4 You?
"Let me preface this ad by saying if you are a nut job, pervert or fruitcake, move on.
"Nudists, mama's boys, the sexually confused need not apply. "
"Anarchists, xenophobes, philistines, masochists, sexists, bigots not welcome. "
I know it's $5 a word. No, well, don't worry.
I'm not that talky.
So let's just take it from page two. "Chronically itchy. "
"I'm looking for someone with a steady job who knows the value of work.
"That does not exclude the independently wealthy. "
Okay, hope that goes out...
Polka dots. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I like it.
I like it, I like it.
Oh.
Hi. You must be Daphne Wilder. It's so nice to meet you.
Let's date your daughter.
I'll just dig in real quick, 'cause I'm hypoglycemic,
'cause otherwise my blood sugar hits the ground and... You know? Okay.
I was just wondering what you think the cornerstone of any good relationship is?
What is in there?
So why don't you just free associate, okay? I say marriage, you say...
I say marriage.
- No, no, I say marriage and... - I say marriage.
Right, but that's not what I meant. I meant that...
- I... - I...
- Me. - Me.
I have a slight allergy to dander and nut meats.
Okay, done, thank you very much.
- It's been wonderful meeting you. - Thank you.
Appreciate it, yeah. Right. Thank you very much. Okay, yeah.
If I say marriage, then what do you say?
Vera Wang.
Your name is?
- Louie. - Huey.
I've already got a woody.
Uh!
How old did you say you were?
My name is Dr. Iris McDunna.
- I'm sorry, I'm right in the middle here, Iris. - I know.
I read your ad, "You'll know me by my polka dots. "
I'm a licensed psychologist and I wanted to offer you my services.
I wanted to suggest that as a mother,
you attend, free of charge, one of my Letting Go seminars.
Hi. I think we were supposed to meet now.
Yeah. Oh, that's...
Right.
Right. That is so...
Iris, I'm so sorry. I can't afford to be rude.
I'll leave you my card.
Thank you so terribly much.
God. Thank you, whoever you are. I'll have another. Another.
I really don't think I can't get through another one of these
without being heavily medicated.
- That bad, huh? - Bad?
Yeah. Like...
Wow.
And I like that you're going for a younger guy.
Me?
No, no, no. That ship's docked.
No. No, this is for my daughter.
Let me get this straight. So you're meeting these guys for her?
Uh-huh.
So she's cool with you doing this for her, then.
Maybe you should just go play your guitar.
She doesn't know, does she?
Look.
I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the fact that Milly is...
She's at a crossroads in her life.
Another hard left and I really...
She's like this person who's too sensitive. You know what I mean?
She's an innocent. She's a pushover.
I'm usually not this in-the-muck-of-it.
I mean, actually, I consider myself a reasonably sane mother.
Well, yeah, it is a crazy love, though.
I mean, who's to say I wouldn't do the same for my own kid?
Mmm.
Excuse me. I'm Jason Grant. I don't mean to interrupt.
I've been waiting over by the bar,
but I only have so much time before I have to get back to work.
I just wanted to ask you about your family.
Yeah, well, my dad is an engineer who was always a closet architect.
- And I grew up with a love of old buildings. - I know what you mean.
So I suppose I became the architect that he always dreamed of being.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
Oh, thank you, dear Lord.
Can I order you something?
You know, actually it turns out I'm so not hungry at all.
Let me get you the funghi chitarrina misto. It's the best-kept secret in the city.
Can we have two orders of that, please?
And a bottle of the Castellare Chianti Poggiale.
- If you insist, huh? - No, I do, I do.
Do you mind my asking why a man like you hasn't found a woman already?
Well, I'll admit I'm a bit of a workaholic.
It's a very important time in my career right now.
I've found women but just not the right one.
A lot of great "almosts" out there.
Oh, yeah, a lot of "almosts. "
Yeah.
You speak Italian, huh?
No, I fake Italian.
I'd really love to learn it.
You know, Milly happens to be a phenomenal cook.
She's always wanted to take a cooking tour of Italy.
- Oh, wow, I was gonna go there this fall. - Really?
But it's a crazy time for me right now.
My company is celebrating their tenth anniversary.
Oh.
You're gonna need a caterer then.
I mean, those kinds of occasions should be marked, don't you think?
- You are good. So James Bond. - Yes.
Well, it was a pleasure to meet you, Daphne Wilder.
Well, Jason, my pleasure.
Gotta love a woman in polka dots.
- Not everyone can pull it off. - Thank you.
Bye.
- Bye-bye. - Bye.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yes.
And the winner is?
Duh. Hands down, bachelor number 17.
- Him? - Yes.
Oh, I don't trust that guy.
That guy was playing you like a slide guitar.
He was not.
He's a very stable, responsible, mature young man.
He has empty eyes.
They were not empty. And who am I supposed to choose anyway, huh?
- Who do you think is better? - Me.
What?
I like you.
And I have an odd instinct that I'd like her too. Maybe I should meet her.
Let me be perfectly honest with you, okay?
You're a very charming guy, irresistible, in fact.
And that's why I know you would be a horrendous choice
because I'm not looking for a great affair for my daughter.
You know, like, gorgeous musician who's gonna break her heart.
I'm looking for a life partner.
That's great. Thanks.
Yeah, no, I love being reduced to a cultural cliché. That's just terrific.
Because only musicians break people's hearts. Wow.
Uh...
It's not the only place I have them.
Well, look, you're a great guy.
I hope you have a great life.
But I have to do what's best for my daughter.
Yeah, of course you do,
but maybe you don't know what's best for your daughter.
I beg your pardon?
Maybe you do.
Maybe I do.
Nice to meet you, Daphne.
Pleasure. Pleasure.
Here we are.
Almost here.
- Yeah, we've landed. We're in heaven. - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Look. Oh, God. Mil, look at this.
Mom, it's polka dots. It's so Minnie Mouse. I don't even know if I like it. Do I?
I'm hearing you hate it.
- Me, too. - Oh, please, just try it on.
Why?
Because I said so.
Honey, look, it might surprise you.
Anyway, you look beautiful in dresses. In fact, you know what I think?
I think that you should wear it to that catered affair on Sunday.
To work? Mom, I spill things all the time.
- Oh, come on, just try it on. - All right.
Okay. That's incredible.
It's not really me at all.
What are you talking about? It is totally you.
Well, it's sort of more you in a way.
You know what it is, it's kind of Aunt Jemima meets Betty Crocker.
You know, that's ridiculous.
Come on, sweetie, you know what I'm going to do?
I made up my mind. I'm going to get it for you.
No, no, no. You're not getting me this dress.
I don't even like it and it's absurd for work.
No.
Hello.
Excuse me.
These meatballs are my mom's recipe.
Fantastic, I recommend everybody try some.
I love that shade of orchid.
Uh-huh.
Thank you, Matisse.
The chicken satay has got a really unique flavor. What'd you use?
It's cumin. I'm so sorry, I can't really chat right now.
You guys, the chocolate waterfall's not in the right spot.
Oh, no, we can't have that.
You know what? Let's just go ahead and just shift everything over
so it frames the temple doors. Thank you.
Yeah. That's the perfect spot.
So, you like the building?
I actually think it's a little cold.
I'm Jason Grant. I'm the architect.
Milly. Nice to meet you.
Come on, Mom. Pick up the phone.
Oh, Daphne. Here we go. Hello.
Oh, Mom, hi, it's me.
I have to tell you the most amazing thing happened.
This guy at work asked me out.
- He did? - Yes, he's so cute.
Mom, he's an architect. We're gonna go out Saturday night.
- Oh, you are? - I'm just so excited. I'm so excited.
Milly, well, that is really great, sweetie. That is so darn great.
It's great, right?
Mom, he's so cute, I can't even believe that it's happening to me.
And he loved the polka dots. Thank you.
- Oh, yeah? - Thank you Mom. Yes.
Well, honey, it's just, I guess, dumb luck.
- You're the best. I love you. - Okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
Coop, come on!
Yep.
Hello, Jason, this is Bond.
James Bond. Call me. I'm hearing rave reviews.
All right, I just pulled up. I'm walking in.
It's okay. Don't worry. I'm here, I'm here.
Sorry, sorry.
No, no, they're not angry.
They're not... Hold on. Sorry.
They're just... They're probably hungry or something.
Feed them the spring rolls from the Adams wedding
and the sauce from the Levy wedding.
All right, I'm walking in. Okay, bye.
There's a lot of static out there.
You can say that again.
There's a lot of static out there.
You know it's caused by a lack of humidity in the air
that causes an imbalance of the positive and negative charges.
You know, ice cream is known to cut the static cling in 98% of most cases.
I love ice cream, but I'm really late to work.
And I'm so sorry. Nice tattoo, though.
What flavor?
Why don't you get me your favorite?
Why don't I get your favorite?
Okay.
I'll have the Fudgsicle.
Oh, no, no. The Dreamsicle.
Wait. Is that the tall rainbow one
that's really embarrassing to eat, but it's really, really good?
Okay. Never mind.
I will have the Dreamsicly one that has the green wrapper
with the Japanese writing on it.
Thank you.
I'm really beginning to feel like I'm never going to meet anyone
and it's making me feel hopeless.
Well, as I've said before, Stuart, Sheila was a huge loss, but that was 1993.
Oh, it's still so fresh.
This makes me feel like when I was in the 2nd grade,
and I walked around with a booger in my nose all day and nobody told me.
Why didn't they tell me?
Well, more to the point, why didn't Sheila tell you she was unhappy?
Oh, God, this is making me feel nauseous.
Maybe I should change my appointment time
from Thursdays at 3:00 to Mondays at 1:00.
No, Stuart, we've tried that before.
You had Fridays at 1:00 and Tuesdays at 11:00.
It really didn't help your hypoglycemia.
Now let's focus on where we ended last time.
Meeting new people,
joining an adult-education class or a book club.
I did go to an Internet dating service.
Good for you. That's very brave.
It was a nightmare, Dr. Wilder-Decker.
It made me want to kill myself, even more than the last time.
Wow. Well, what triggered those feelings, Stuart?
This mother put an ad out looking for a mate for her daughter and I answered it.
A mate for her daughter?
Stuart, some people really shouldn't have kids.
I guess I didn't pass the test because she made me feel about this big.
Well, I wouldn't worry about that, Stuart.
Imagine how screwed up any daughter of hers would be.
And then when I pressed her as to why I couldn't meet her precious daughter,
- do you know what she said? - I really hear it didn't go well.
"Because I said so. That's why. "
Mother, how could you? When are you planning on telling her?
Well, why does she need to know?
I mean as long as she's happy, that's all that's important.
And, my goodness, who knows?
This architect could be the real magilla.
As I've always said,
"God couldn't be everywhere, and that is why he made mothers. "
What? That was on a Hallmark card we gave you,
and Milly thought it was too corny.
Don't you dare tell her, Maggie, or you and I are gonna have some serious issues.
Well, we already have some serious issues, Mom.
Always so dramatic.
Mother, this is like 6th grade drama club. Speak English.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, hi, honey.
Oh, Mom.
I was just in the neighborhood and I thought I'd drop by.
Okay, Mom. Please, you have to start calling me.
I have a date that's on his way over right now.
Oh, but Milly, you look so beautiful.
Are you sure you want to wear that dress, though?
- It was such a hit the first time. - I know,
but don't you think you ought to mix it up a little bit?
- What for? - Well, okay, you know, you're right.
You're right. It looks perfect on you and everything about it.
I'm just sort of wondering, if maybe you ought to button those buttons.
No, no, I like it like this.
Milly, you look like you're asking for it.
I am asking for it.
Okay, all right, I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
All right, what are you going to do with your hair?
I already did it.
Oh, of course you did. Sure you did.
And you're making cookies too? That's about the sweetest touch.
No, actually, I just want the house to smell like cookies when he gets over here.
Mom, it's 6:49, look. And he's supposed to be here at 7:00.
- You have to go, please, please, please. - Okay. I can take a hint.
- It's not a hint. Mom, go. - All right.
Oh, he's here. He's here.
- Okay, you gotta go. - All right.
- You gotta go please, Mom, Mom. - All right.
- But wait, sweetie. Just have a good time. - Okay.
- Feel free to be yourself, but remember... - I love you, but you gotta go.
...don't be too, you know, forthcoming with all your failed relationships.
Okay, I got it.
- And sweetie, sweetie. - I love you.
- Keep that mystery alive. - I love you. I love you for some reason.
Okay.
I'm going to pull my hair out. What? What, what?
I know, I know. Just one more little thing.
- I don't know, Mom, I gotta go. He's here. - I want you to wear this.
- Oh, my God. Grandma's diamond? - Yeah.
Put it on me, put it on me.
- I want to wear it tonight. - All right.
- Okay. - I know. I know, he's coming.
- Don't worry. Here we go. - Okay.
Mom, you never let any of us wear this. It's so special.
- So special. - Thank you.
What?
May it bring you luck with the architect. Your sisters and I will expect a full report.
- Okay? - Okay.
I'll give it to you tomorrow night after I go out with him.
- Tomorrow night? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm going out with another great guy tonight.
He's taking me to Luna Station to hear some music.
- You are? - Can you believe that, Mom?
It's like I gave up, I stopped trying
and the universe brought me two amazing guys.
- Great, right? Wow. - Whoa, that's so great.
It's one of those amazing things, huh?
- All right, sweetie. Well now, bye. - Bye-bye.
Go, go.
Go, Mother, go.
Hi.
It was either this or roses.
Thank you.
- Come on in. - Cookies?
Yeah.
Nice.
Really seem to have such a different approach and attitude towards life
that people don't really get here as much, I think.
Okay, don't worry. We're gonna get a quick look at who he is
and then we're gonna go home
and finish watching Gary Cooper in Love in the Afternoon.
Come on, man. Okay. Yes. Yeah.
Okay. Go, go, baby. Okay, okay.
Come on.
Coop, Coop, everything's okay, sweetie. Where the heck am I?
God. Okay. Oh, jeez.
Okay. Let me just... Okay, I'll turn this. Okay.
Welcome, what is your destination?
Luna Station.
- Your address is... - Is, okay, what?
- ... 1242 Amherst Boulevard. - 12...
So where is Amherst?
Continue north 2.4 miles and then east.
Well, where is north? The left?
Continue north 2.4 miles then east.
Give me a left. Give me a right. Left. Right.
Something like...
Please. For God's sake.
- You know what you are? - Continue north 2.4 miles...
- I'll tell you what you are. - ... and then east.
You are redundant.
- Continue north 2.4 miles and then east. - And it's a horrible quality.
- You awful machine. - Continue, continue...
- And that's for you. - I'm sorry, command too loud.
Are you guys ready to rock?
Yeah. - All right.
Let's play something for Milly over there.
A little blues in E, okay?
One, two, three, four.
Now we're coming up on the A.
Molly, that sounds terrific.
I feel really bad.
No, no, I would have done the same thing if one of my staff had called in sick.
It's only gonna be 20 more minutes.
It's just that they memorized an E progression
and that is a major feat for them.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll be right back.
Go, Nicky.
Yeah.
A little bit harder over there.
Strum a little bit closer, up here.
That sounds really nice.
Really? Well, thank you, teacher.
Actually, I love to sing. My whole family loves to sing.
And when I was younger, I always wanted to take piano lessons,
but my mom was struggling so much supporting us all
that I just felt way too guilty to ask.
Here.
What?
Play what you were playing before. It sounded really good.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm no good, but okay.
Try it.
- Like that? - Yeah.
All righty.
- I'll take it up here. - Okay.
We'll meet in the middle.
- It's down there. - Sorry.
How about I come close to you?
I don't mind.
All right.
Why are there a lot of ducks in Venice?
Ten ducks are swimming down the canal
and one says, "This place is quacked. "
That's terrible.
No, that's really cute, actually.
It's very cute.
This is me. Come on in.
- I love this. It's so cozy. - Thanks.
- So comfy. - Yeah.
Three, two, one, blast off.
I'm in orbit. I'm in orbit.
Okay, Lionel, let's... All right. Okay, come back here.
Let's start winding down for bed, all right?
Who are you? What planet do you hail from?
This is Milly from planet Milly. This is Lionel from planet Johnny.
Hi, Lionel, it's very nice to meet you.
You have a 'gina.
I have a what?
I have a penis. You have a 'gina.
Okay, buddy, give me a break here, okay?
- Can I see it? - Hey.
Lionel. Lionel.
- Lionel. Dad?
Hi.
This is Milly.
Joe Dresden. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry. It's moon dust.
It's okay.
Well, excuse me. It's usually just us guys.
Johnny hasn't brought home a gal in, God, I don't know how long.
Great, I'm getting it from both sides.
Sorry.
Come on, buddy, let's you and me go in the other room.
- These guys are boring. - Nope, nope, nope.
What'd you have for lunch today?
Baloney sandwich.
- I'm not the baloney. - Yes, you are.
- I think we got him. There we go. - We got him.
We'll see you.
Night.
Oh, my God.
- Mr. Grant. This way. - Hey, man, how you doing?
- This is so amazing. - Yeah.
- It's really unbelievable. - Yeah?
This is so great. It's beautiful.
It's great.
I love this angle on the city.
I never knew this existed. Gosh.
So what's good here?
Well, I hope you don't mind, but knowing your love of food,
I didn't want you to miss these.
Oh.
No, no, no, that's great
'cause I make decisions all day long.
You know, the Gillespies' daughter is allergic to chocolate,
but she wants a brown cake, and...
My lease is up on my car, do I get a hybrid? 'Cause I really believe in them
but I don't know if it's time to switch insurance, it's...
What I mean is, it's very nice to not have to think for a change.
Well, last time I was in Italy, I was in Siena, and they make this wine there,
and this is the only place in the city that serves it.
- You've been to Siena, right? - Oh, well, of course, I haven't. No.
Are you kidding?
Wouldn't it be fun to drink our way through Tuscany?
It'd be amazing.
God, this calamari is so...
Is that City Hall? God, I love old buildings. You know, the attention to...
Not that I don't love modern architecture 'cause I totally do.
It's so bold, but you know what I mean.
Who wants to live in all that concrete?
And yet, you know, the Zen of clean minds, that kind of Asian simplicity,
living without all the clutter, is great.
This view is amazing. My mom would love this view.
Oh, yeah?
Does she have good taste?
Impeccable.
Now I know that this is the part of the evening
where I'm supposed to sit way over here in this chair.
But can I jump five spaces and pass "Go"?
Well, "can" implies "are you capable. "
"May" asks the question.
Milly, may I?
Yes, you may.
Milly, may I kiss you?
I'm sorry. Could you hold that thought for a second?
I have to, like...
What?
Well, I just got that new conference call feature, so we thought we'd try it out.
- New? - Hey, Milly.
- Hi, how's it going? - Yes. He's a great kisser.
- Wonderful. Isn't that great, girls? Yeah.
That's so much better than... Remember that Ted guy?
He seemed to have a lot of potential,
then he ended up having, like, lizard tongue.
Oh, yeah.
And as I remember, an over-intake of Mentos
which didn't cover the buffalo wing breath.
That's disgusting, Mae.
Though, as I recall, those kisses bombed upstairs,
but had a certain finesse downstairs.
I remember that. Yes, downstairs and...
I don't want to hear it.
Guys, all right, I gotta go kiss. I gotta go kiss.
- Okay, I gotta go too. - No.
- Me three. - Bye.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Feels good. - Yeah.
Hello?
Mom?
- No. - Are you there?
- Okay. - Mom?
- What, honey? - Mom?
Are you okay?
What, honey? No, yeah. I'm fine.
No, wait. Mom, what's that sound?
Well, Cooper's in heat. Good night.
Cooper's a boy. Mom?
He wants potato pancakes in the shape of footballs
with Gandalf's face on them in sour cream.
We can do that. You start, though.
Hello.
Hi. Wow.
Lionel helped picked these. He wanted you to know.
Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. Lionel, they're beautiful.
And you know what? You can actually eat these flowers.
They're really good in salads.
Although, when I was your age, I didn't like anything green.
And now I've learned to love
- spinach... - Now if she could just stop talking
- for five seconds. - ... Brussels sprouts, broccoli.
Oh, I got it, I got it, I got it.
- No, we'll get it. - I got it.
Hey, Lionel, come on, you wanna help us eat the centerpiece?
Can I, Dad?
Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Go crazy.
Bye.
If you don't, I will.
There was a lot going on the other night.
And I didn't get to tell you about Lionel's unique rhythm and I'm sorry...
Oh, gosh, no, it's fine. I actually feel a kinship with him.
You know he can't stop running around and I can't stop talking.
I kind of think you're gonna have your hands full.
They said it couldn't be done, but I did it.
How was your date with the...
Oh, my gosh, Mom...
Mom, this is Johnny. Johnny, this is my mom, Daphne.
Hi. Oh.
Oh!
Lionel. Johnny's son.
John, is it?
Lionel. Come on, buddy.
Uh-huh.
Lionel, come on here now.
- Pardon me. Johnny. That's Johnny.
Lionel, that's so cute.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, Mom.
- The delivery man's here. - Is this menorah-esque?
Mom, I don't even know if this is good.
- Find something Hobbit-like. - I don't have anything Hobbit-like.
We should try and make this work, though.
They're never gonna never know it's from Gelson's.
Oh, wait, wait. I used this for Jason's party.
Jason has such nice eyes. Okay.
Thank you.
Happy Bar Mitzvah, Josh Greenberg.
How do you know Jason has such nice eyes?
Does he? Oh, that's so sweet. He seems like a very special person.
What if we try that new vase on the coffee table?
- He is nice. But actually, they both are. - Oh, I'm sure they both are.
But in terms of who you wanna get serious with,
that Johnny, at least from what I can see, can't even get his life together.
But I'm gonna stop, all right? You know what's wrong?
The couch is in the wrong place. Look.
- I got an idea. - Okay.
- So we'll move the couch. Which way? - Let's move it this way.
Here we go.
That's so good. Okay, there we go. I think it's good.
- Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God, look at that.
It's so great. It, like, completely opens the room up.
- So very, very, very good. - I love it.
- The only thing is... Can I just say this? - What?
We haven't tried the couch by the window. I think we should.
- All right. I don't even know if I see it here. - Okay. Oh, gosh.
Just a second. Hello?
You have the wrong number. Yeah. There is no J. Bond here.
FYI, the Eagle has landed.
Yeah, the hen is in the house. Repeat, the hen is in the house. Right now.
All right, honey?
Mil, if we push this five inches to the left,
I swear it's gonna transform your life.
- You really think so? - I wouldn't lie to you.
- All right. - Come on, let's go.
- Okay, on three. - Yeah.
One, two, three.
- Hey, it's Milly, leave me a message. - This way. Mom?
Hey, Milly. It's Jason. I was thinking about you
- and I wanted to say what... - Pick it up. Answer it.
Does he sound wonderful or what? Why don't you wanna talk to him?
I do wanna talk to him. I just don't wanna do it in front of you, all right?
Come on, Milly, I mean I don't...
I got us tickets to the Music Center Friday night for La Bohème.
La Bohème. Oh, come on, sweetie, I love La Bohème.
- Just pick up the phone. - Mom, I don't want to talk to him.
- It's a really interesting production... - Mil, Mil, pick up the phone.
Mom, stop. No, no, no, don't pick up the phone.
- Here, take it. Say yes. - Stop, stop.
Hi.
Yeah, I'm great.
Oh, great. Yeah, okay.
Mmm-hmm.
That sounds really great. Great.
Yeah, great. Okay.
All right. Okay, I'll talk to you soon.
Okay, great. Bye.
He obviously adores you.
- You think so? - Oh, God, and who wouldn't?
But, hon, are you aware of how many times you used the word "great"?
These candlesticks gotta go.
No, no, no. I like them. They're staying. They're great.
Milly, you know how much I hate to meddle, but I once had the choice
between a mature, responsible young man like Jason,
and your father, who, of course, I was infatuated with.
- And to this day... - Okay, okay.
You know what?
To be fair, you're reading a lot into a guy that you've met for ten minutes.
Truth be told, that Johnny has heartbreak written all over his face.
No, no, no. Truth be told, you know absolutely nothing about him.
And know what, Mom? I gotta go 'cause I'm getting my bangs cut.
What? No, no, you go ahead.
No, that's okay, you go ahead.
- Yes. - Fine.
Cut your bangs and quit hiding your incredible eyes.
To be truthful, you know nothing about him. He's actually a good parent.
- Hiding your incredible eyes. - I can't do this.
Milly, I love you and you may be brilliant, but you're not smart.
I just want you to have a full, beautiful life.
Do I not have a life, Mom? Because I thought I had a life.
No. No, you have a career, you have a car
and you have a loft you pay way too much rent for.
That's not a life.
Milly, I'm your mother. I love you enough to tell you the truth.
- Your version of the truth, Mom. - No. No.
The truth is, happiness is a series of choices.
It's not something that just sort of happens.
One wrong decision can change your whole life.
There's still time, Mom.
Not if you waste another minute of it.
I mean for you.
And I don't say "great" too much.
This is great. This is great.
The view is great. The night is just so great.
You warm enough? You wanna go inside?
No, no, no, I'm fine. I'm nice and toasty.
Okay, all right.
And don't you just love my mom's orange blossom cheesecake? So good.
- Get a big bite. - Wow.
It's great, right?
It's superb, which is a synonym for great, if you're ever looking for one.
You know, you're cold. Let's go inside.
You get the candle, I'll get the rest.
Let me grab that.
- Be careful with that. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my gosh, please tell me where I can get you another one...
You can't. It's my great-grandmother's.
Oh, my God. Jason.
I don't know what to say. I'm sorry.
Please, I'm just, I've been so out of it lately.
My alarm clock didn't go off today and that's why I was late
and I've just been so stressed with the Greenberg Bar Mitzvah,
but that's a whole...
You just seem really angry.
Nope.
I'm great.
Okay.
I promise you they're the best chocolate soufflés ever.
- Well, they better be. - They're worth it.
Touchdown.
Oh, my gosh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Hey, it's all right. That's all right.
I'm sorry. I bumped into, like, a parking meter yesterday
and I'm always breaking stuff.
Why are you apologizing? It isn't even your fault.
Lionel, put some shoes on before you come back in here, all right?
Look, I know he can be a lot and it gets a little crazy around here sometimes.
But here you are making us chocolate soufflés and you're apologizing.
Sometimes, I think you let people make you feel bad about yourself.
Yeah, like you are right now?
What is going on with us today?
We're having an off day, that's all.
- What are you doing? - I'm leaving.
I'm leaving because you're miserable
and we're having a bad day. You just admitted it.
No, I said "off day. "
And, yes, we've had better days,
and I'm sure we'll have a few hundred more weird ones
if we stay together. So what?
- Johnny. - Give me your hand.
- What? - I'm going to try something here.
- What are you doing? - Just a little something.
Oh.
- The soufflés are done. - No, the timer didn't go off.
No, no. I feel it. I feel it. Watch.
- Those look beautiful. - Thank you.
The one thing I can actually do right.
- You have perfect timing. - Thank you.
Come here.
Don't apologize.
He has this way of calming me down.
- A huge plus. - Yeah.
But then the whole Lionel thing.
I just worry and wonder, would I be a good mother to him?
Don't worry. It's not genetic.
They've been through so much, though,
with Lionel's mom, like, freaking out and splitting when he was so young.
I don't know, not that we're anywhere near talking about any of this yet.
Just the fact that you're wondering, though. God.
I mean the fact is you don't know either of these guys that well.
Who knows if Jason even wants to have kids?
Absolutely.
Four kids.
And I wanna name the first one Charlie after my father
and that works if it's a boy or a girl.
Then I want to design a huge Craftsman house for the whole brood.
The exhibit's in here.
Oh, no, no, no. Don't let me in the museum. Too many breakables.
Don't worry. They're insured.
Hey, listen.
I'm sorry I lost my temper with you the other day.
You felt bad enough already.
I can be a real ass and I hate that about myself.
Another family heirloom.
He buys jewelry. Well, it's a no-brainer. He's the one.
- He felt remorse, Mae. Well, that's a lovely quality.
No, he knew he should feel remorse. Oh, my God, Milly.
Those empanadas are amazing.
- They're gonna be perfect for Mom's party. - Oh, my party.
- Mom, what about these for your party? - Oh, shoes, please.
Why are you making such a big deal over this dreaded event?
Why are we celebrating my descent into oblivion?
Come on, Mom. It's not that bad. Snap out of it.
Well, I mean, it is a milestone, and actually, I am taking stock of my life
and trying to find some peace and quiet in my old age,
so, Milly, will you please bring Jason to the party?
I would just love to meet him. That's all I'm asking.
I understand, but isn't it my choice who I bring?
- I think it is. - Thank you.
All right.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Mom, Eli says that's what I say right before I...
No kidding? Me, too.
And, you know, it was funny,
the other night, we hadn't had sex in so long, by the third one,
I was setting off the car alarms in the neighborhood,
and dogs were barking...
Three? Is that normal?
Please. Everyone knows I hold the record in this family.
Why are you so quiet?
'Cause she's doing the Oompa-Loompa with two guys, Mom.
- Stop it. - What?
Wait a minute.
At this point, are you doing it with both of them at once?
No. I'm not. Absolutely not.
Honey, I've been thinking about your situation with Jason.
Mom, I didn't ask for this. It happened to me.
So move on.
No. It happened to you.
Things have gotten so out of hand I broke my first bundt cake.
Has anybody seen my G.I. Joe?
Believe me, it's not in here.
I left it on the bed.
...that it happened to you.
You're making me hate you and I don't ever want to see your face...
With that Johnny...
Happy birthday, Mom.
- Happy birthday, Mom. - Happy birthday.
Your favorite butterscotch cake. We made it.
Well, some of us made it. We helped, okay?
- It's really yummy. I tried some. - All right.
- Make a wish, make a wish. - Make a wish, Mom.
- Come on, make a wish, make a wish. - Make a wish, make a wish.
- Happy birthday. - We love you, Mom.
I'd like to propose a toast.
To the incredibly unique Daphne Wilder,
the fearless leader of the Wilder women, who I hope to someday call family.
You've created a wonderful family,
and I hope when my folks stop through town,
that Milly'll charm them as much as she's charmed me.
Cheers.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Cheers.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you.
- What was that exactly? - Did you know he was gonna do that?
Did he just propose? Because I think he just proposed.
I think he did. The question is, to who?
Maggie, stop being a killjoy. All right, girls, what do you think?
- He seems well-read. - He's tall.
- Okay, you guys don't like him at all. - Don't listen to your sisters.
For God's sake, sweetie, do not listen to them.
Here's what I'm thinking.
I'm thinking his parents are from Connecticut.
They're a little conservative,
so maybe you should just wear your pleated skirt.
- Just this once, honey? - Stop.
It's just a gesture, just make them more comfortable.
I understand it's a gesture but, Mom, this is moving very quickly.
- He just said all of this. It's... - Milly, don't fight it.
This is the way it's supposed to be.
You're just not used to feeling pursued and adored.
I hate pleated skirts.
Isn't this about the time we were going to sing?
- That's a great idea. Come on, Mils. - Yes, yes.
Well, I met him on a Sunday
My voice.
And I missed him on Monday
Not bad. What do you got going, Mom?
And I dated him Wednesday
I said bye-bye, baby
- Nice. - Yes.
Milly? Will you take the soprano?
You know, that's it. That's it.
No, no. You're so out of control.
What'd I do this time?
You're forcing me. Jason's here. You're making me...
So, Jason, can I get you another one of these?
Will I need one?
Oh, yeah. They're just getting started.
Who wants lavender ice cream?
- No, no, no. - No, no, no.
You're not gonna go. You're out of control. Milly's right.
- I don't know how she can take it. - I can't. I can't take it anymore.
Well, excuse me for just one moment here. I thought that this was my birthday.
My very big, special birthday.
Yes, Mom. It's your big, special birthday.
That's how you should remember
- you're too old... - Old?
Not too old, but too old to be doing this to Milly.
You're pushing her like you pushed her into Girl Scouts.
Thank you very much. I'm not ten years old anymore.
- You have to stop. - Yeah.
You have to change at some point.
Fine. But I just want you girls to understand something about motherhood, okay?
Mom.
- Okay? Yeah, okay.
I mean, it is the most impossible love.
You tell me when it ends. You tell me when it stops.
All I know is, it's absolutely fine for me to teach you how to walk and talk,
and then you grow up and you head off in the wrong direction toward a cliff.
And I'm supposed to just stand there and wave and go,
"Well, kids, good luck. It's Mom. I'm here. " Well, I can't do that.
What am I supposed to do, huh?
Am I supposed to just put my feet up at the end of the day and say to myself,
"Well, you know, they're on their own and she says she's fine. "
Well, you won't be.
Just stop it. God damn it.
You are making me crazy and you're never gonna change
'cause you don't even know when you're doing it.
Oh, well, I am gonna stop as in right now.
So, let me tell you, I am washing my hands of your emotional problems.
I'm just a visitor with a limited day pass from here on in.
Oh, my God, I can't even talk.
Mom.
- Oh, my... - Great.
She loses her voice and we are three days from Hungarian flu.
You guys, the last time I had her at my house,
Derek and I were in therapy for two months. I can't do it with this.
No, no, no. I know it's my turn technically, but you cannot...
We can't be in the same room together right now.
Rock, Paper, Scissor.
Rock, Paper... Fine, fine, fine.
Hi. Oh, Ma, I'll take that.
We know you're about to get sick, so we're gonna Rock, Paper, Scissors
to see whose house you're gonna stay at.
'Cause you know what, Mom? We all want you to stay.
We're fighting for you.
- Let's declare, guys. Please? - Okay.
Oh, you win, Mils. That's great.
Have fun, you guys.
What for?
'Cause I'm here with you. Women prefer him, as a rule.
Shall we take a walk?
Yes, let's.
What?
Where is he now?
"You don't need to take care of me. "
"Go out and have fun with Jason. "
No. No. Why?
"Because I said so. "
No. I'm not leaving.
They say dogs feel disoriented when they get debarked.
You're nice, too.
No.
- Yes. - No, please.
"Now there was a man who knew how to be a man. "
Mmm-hmm.
"There's turkey meatloaf in the fridge. "
"What's an orgasm feel like?"
Amazing?
I don't know. Amazing, and...
Like...
Like being totally out of control.
Just like...
"No, I wouldn't like that. "
Yes, you would. Oh, Mom, no, no, no. It's not like being drunk.
It's just satisfying and...
Like you're out of your body,
but you're in your body, and your toes curl under...
That doesn't sound delicious, I know, but, God, it's so delicious, Mom.
And you can laugh or cry, but like a good cry.
I mean, I've cried before. It's just like...
You know, just...
Oh, my God, I can't believe I just said that to you.
I'm not explaining it right. I'm not explaining it right.
Didn't you ever have one with Dad?
"He said he didn't have all day and he worked nights. "
Oh, Mom.
"Don't tell your sisters I asked. "
Hello?
No, I'm sorry. She can't come to the phone right now.
Can I take a message?
You're calling about the personal ad?
Are you sure that you have the right number?
Yeah, Daphne Wilder.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Just a little belated birthday gift.
You like it?
See, it brought me luck, so I thought maybe it would bring you luck.
Oh, do you like it, Mom?
Mom? I know.
I know all about your little ad.
And I think it's so great.
It's so bold and so brave of you
and finally it shows me that you heard us at your birthday party.
You're trying to live your own life.
And I want you to know, Mom,
you don't have to go through the personals to find love, 'cause that can be so...
Terrifying.
Jason's uncle is coming into town next week with his parents
and he's dying to meet you, Mom.
Jason says he's, like, the most amazing guy in the entire world
and I haven't even really told him about the...
All right, all right, fine. Fine.
Why didn't you marry?
I didn't know what the war was like then.
If I had it to do over again, I'd marry him.
When I joined up, I remember...
Hello.
Is this Milly Wilder's home?
I'm Joe Dresden, I'm Johnny's father.
Are you Milly's mom?
This is Lionel, this is Johnny's boy.
"Daphne. "
"Can't talk. " Well, it's overrated.
Sign? Do you sign?
"Laryingitis. "
Laryngitis. That's the alternate spelling, I guess.
I know Johnny had a date with Milly tonight and I was hoping to catch him.
I can't reach him on his cellphone.
I stupidly misplaced my keys and I can't get back into our house.
They're beautiful.
Three girls, huh? And all by yourself.
That couldn't have been easy.
Yeah, yeah, I know, but still, it had to be tough.
"There's tougher things. "
Yeah, like trying to give you a compliment.
You know, what could be good for that throat
is a couple of drops of brandy.
Mine's feeling a little scratchy, too.
Shall we take a walk?
We could get along.
Couldn't we?
- You're sweet. - No, I'm not.
Yes, you're a dear.
What are you thinking about now?
About how nice it is. And you're nice, too.
Besides, you're so very beautiful.
I'd be very glad to have you kiss me now if you don't mind.
Women prefer him, as a rule.
- Where is he now? - Who?
- The boy you're engaged to. - He's dead.
He was killed in the Somme.
Were you engaged long?
Eight years. We grew up together.
- Why didn't you marry? - I didn't know what the war was like then.
If I had it to do over again, I'd marry him.
When I joined up, I remember having this silly idea
that he might come to the hospital where I was.
Now we've got our basic tomato sauce. I took out about two-thirds of it,
because if there's any mistake
that American cooks make when they're cooking pasta,
is that they tend to over-sauce it.
They put too much stuff on.
In Italy, the main event is the noodle
and the rest is just the dressing, very much like we dress salads.
Now, I've got it in there. I'm allowing it to start...
Hello.
Hi. Hi.
We were worried sick about you.
- It's nice to see you again, Milly. - You, too.
It's a great night, isn't it?
- It's one for the books. Yeah.
She has a 'gina, too.
Lionel.
As Grants,
we Grant you health, we Grant you happiness,
we Grant you someone else to water your plants.
Cheers.
- Definitely. - Cheers.
Reggie's the toast giver.
- He's the real talker in the family. - I see.
Can somebody get me another bourbon and soda on the rocks?
Oh, no, no, no, you can't order bourbon...
They seem to be hitting it off.
Definitely. Yeah.
- Beautiful. I don't think so. - And then I want you to try the buffalo filet
- while we're here. - Yeah.
You know, the buffalo was an endangered species up until a couple of years ago
and now we're eating them.
Isn't this great, Mom?
...and you look out over the fields
and what you see are herds of commercial buffalo.
And then you also see herds of...
I had a great time. Please tell your parents good night for me, okay?
- Good night. - Good night.
Tell me you're not seeing that guy. Are you, Milly?
Yes, but I don't...
Actually, the "yes" is all I needed to know.
No, no, no, but the "but" part's really important too.
But what? Not him.
Why?
'Cause he looks like some guy your mother would love.
Johnny, wait, though.
This is really difficult for me and I've never been here before.
I don't know how to navigate this.
- Oh, poor thing. - Don't talk to me that way.
Oh, I'm sorry. What was I thinking?
You're involved with this guy to the point where you're meeting his family
and I should be careful how I'm talking to you?
Are you sleeping with him?
I wouldn't say it that way.
Well, what way would you say it?
Are you going to stop seeing him?
- That pause says it all. - No, it doesn't.
That's not true. That's not true.
Who are you? I can't even look at you.
Oh, God.
The train has been delayed.
- The train has been delayed. - Scusi, I'm gonna go check on the soufflés.
Oh, no.
Jason's finally met such a wonderful girl.
She's so sweet. She has the loveliest spirit about her.
But I still can't believe he found her on the Internet.
Not like in our day.
That somehow reminds me
of people writing a phone number on the bathroom wall.
- Sweetie, I think that we should... - Are you dating somebody else?
What?
I just heard your mom on the phone talk about
how you're dating some girl you met on the Internet.
Oh, it's nothing like that at all.
I'm surprised and I don't even know if I have the right to be,
'cause to be honest, I feel like I need to tell you
that I'm also dating somebody else.
Well, first of all, to be honest, you didn't need to be so honest.
I'm not seeing anyone but you.
But since we're being honest, this is something that I was saving for later.
What?
My mother's personal ad?
Oh, my God.
You sounded just like her there.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Hey, hey, hey. What does it matter how we met?
You and my mom have been totally scheming
and now I know exactly why she pushed me on you.
Because she was voting for you. She found you.
Yeah, and it doesn't take anything away from us.
What matters is that we did meet and how good this is between us.
And the truth of that...
The truth? Where's the truth? Where's the truth?
Because you've been living a lie and I've been lying to you, Jason.
And it doesn't change anything.
How does that not change everything?
Because you're here. I think you already made your choice.
But if it helps, I'll say it.
Stop seeing him. Then you and I can get closer.
Close enough to spend the rest of our lives together.
I knew I had you the day I met you.
How could you know something like that?
'Cause you were so nervous,
you laughed like a hyena in that beautiful polka dot dress of yours.
Really?
Mmm-hmm.
I'll tell you one thing, though.
You did not have me the moment that we met
because I wasn't even sure that I liked the fact
that your staff talked about you behind your back at the dessert table.
And, excuse me, but, truth be told,
I didn't like anything that you ordered for me
on our first date, except the calamari.
And okay, fine, yes, it was nice to not have to think for a change,
but who wants someone who doesn't think?
Look, and sometimes you laugh when I cry and say, "Huh?" when I make perfect sense.
And never, ever, in my life have I burned a chocolate soufflé until now
and that, in and of itself,
oh, my God, should have told me I don't feel like myself around you.
And I would have decided that a long time ago if it weren't for my mother.
Because who wants someone who laughs like a hyena
in a polka dot dress that my mother made me buy?
I love that dress.
Take her out.
Hey.
- Stuart, this is an emergency. - Well, should I wait?
- Let's reschedule. - But I'm suicidal.
Oh, wow, this is making me feel like when I was the last pick in kickball...
Right and that's exactly where we'll begin next week.
Maggie, you promised me after Willie Matthews,
you would never lie to me again.
- Oh, Milly Woo, Milly Boo. - Stop.
Well, I'm sorry. Mommy made me promise not to say anything
- or she'd be furious. - Mommy?
Mommy made you promise? Where is your own moral code?
Your adulthood? Your sisterhood?
Just...
- I'm feeling rejected by you. - Okay.
And it's bringing up memories of summer camp
when Jimmy Feldon and Eric Fishman both transferred out of my bunk.
I totally understand, Stuart.
Come back today and we'll do a two-hour session at 3:00 p. m.
Listen, you're right.
I didn't handle this well and I understand you feel betrayed.
But, really, isn't some of this anger a little misplaced?
No, no, Maggie. It's placed exactly where it should be.
And there is plenty to go around, so don't worry, Mom will be getting hers.
- Okay... - Maggie.
Stuart, I am asking you to empower yourself and leave.
This could be a huge day for you, Stuart.
This makes me feel like when I was 13 and no one came to my bar mitzvah.
Why didn't they come? I don't get it.
Stuart, you have a blood sugar problem, okay?
Just get some lunch, you'll be fine.
Honey, I know this is painful.
Do you have any snacks in here?
Third shelf on the right.
Honey, instead of blaming Mom,
you should really focus on the fact that both of these guys went along with it.
I am, I am. Because I just told Jason that...
Guys...
Guys?
That was plural, wasn't it?
I feel like I don't know what you guys are talking about
and it's making me feel very much out of the loop,
and it's making me want to jump out the window.
Stuart. For ten years, my sister has sat here
and told me that you're about to commit suicide.
Well?
You mean she's been talking about me?
Wow. God.
Mom? Are you there? Pick up the phone, Mom.
Hello?
You've reached Daphne... You've reached Daphne...
You've reached Daphne Wilder.
Please leave a message after the tone.
Oh, my God. Oh, thank you, dear God.
Mom.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yes!
- Oh, my God. - Yes, oh, yes!
Oh, my God!
Yes. Yes.
Yes!
Okay, so the orange-cranberry muffins are in here?
They're in there.
And the ones with the nuts are in here too?
They're in there, too.
I had a little trouble with the frosting,
but I know how much you love butter cream.
Mother, I told you on the phone I need distance.
Okay. But it's a new recipe.
Tangerine instead of orange. For a clean slate?
Why don't you get it? I don't want to see you.
Milly, if I'm guilty of any crime, it's just that I've just loved you too much.
Here.
Milly? It was just so you. I...
Milly?
This isn't the way it was supposed to be.
Welcome to life.
Yeah, but I mean, how can I be happy if she's not happy, hmm?
Hey, it's Milly. Leave me a message.
Milly? It's your mother, Daphne Wilder.
Please pick up.
It's been four days.
Okay.
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
What are... Nothing.
Just do nothing.
Hey, it's Milly. Leave me a message.
Hi, Milly. This is your mother.
Hopefully, you still have a mental picture of me.
We have the same hands and earlobes
and love of Bauer pottery.
I know that you asked me not to call you
and I respect that.
I just thought that you might like to know
that I found Grandma's recipe for your favorite Lady Baltimore cake.
The one from my third birthday.
The one from your third birthday.
You know what, Milly? Okay, you were right about Johnny.
Obviously, he has more character.
I mean, he's really a good guy.
And you should know that he never saw that ad,
and, in fact, we met by chance.
He was just an innocent bystander.
I know that I'm saying too much. I've learned my lesson.
Good.
Because, Milly, it's your life.
Yup, that's right. That's absolutely right.
Hey, it's Milly. Leave me a message.
I know you're in there and it's fine with me that you've chosen not to pick up.
But, Milly, if you're in any way still pulled to Johnny,
then please don't let your pride or our differences
come between you and getting what you want
otherwise, honey, you're gonna end up like some pathetic character
in a Tennessee Williams play.
Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
Okay.
Milly...
Milly?
I never meant to hurt you, sweetie.
And I promise I will never ever interfere ever again.
I was, I was only, I mean...
I guess what I'm trying to say is
that I was just trying to protect you from becoming me.
My sweet girl.
Mom?
Hi, honey.
I miss you.
I miss you, too.
Solo on the four chord.
Alternate the bass line, will you?
Too late for spring sign-up.
I've actually been here before.
I came once on a Tuesday when it was closed, and I just wanted to...
You know, I can't hear you. I'm sorry.
Please.
I miss you.
I miss us
and I'm not seeing anybody.
That doesn't change anything for us, Milly.
Yeah, but Johnny, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so deeply sorry,
and I wish I could find a less cliché word for sorry, but...
It was an aberration. It's not who I am,
and I know we can't start over, but maybe we could...
Maybe we could try this again.
I need to get back up there.
Okay, you're driving a bus. Seven hundred and fifty people get on.
Two get off.
Thirty thousand seventy-one get on.
Four hundred and five get off.
A thousand get on and nine hundred and ninety-nine get off.
Get off.
What color are the bus driver's eyes?
I don't know.
I said you're driving the bus. Get it, dummy?
You dummy.
Dummy.
You did say that, Lionel. That's right. That's so good.
- He did. - That is so great. That is so great.
Want to hear it again?
Well, I mean, I don't know.
Actually, I thought you really nailed it that last time, so...
- Didn't he? - Just one more time. Please?
Okay.
Okay, you're driving a bus.
- Five people get off. Six people get on. - Really?
Seven hundred and seventy-five thousand get on.
Seven hundred and thirty-five million and one...
- Oh, no. - Hey, guys.
You know, I forgot a few things at the market.
I'm just gonna... I'll be right back.
Dad, Dad, you got to hear this punch line.
Yeah, yeah. You really, really... You have to stick around for this.
Think you got to, Johnny.
Okay, now. - What is it?
- You are driving a bus. - Yeah.
A billon million catrillion get on.
I cannot believe you are here. You are truly insane.
Two hundred billion million get off.
Well, I... This is a surprise to you?
Daphne, you're not listening.
Honey, oh, no, no. I swear, of course, I'm listening.
Okay. Dad and Daphne. You're driving a bus.
Five hundred catrillion cazillion get on.
- But zero... - Lionel, look.
- A blimp. - Where?
- Right there. - I can't see it.
- Right there. Look harder. - Where? Show me.
- I can't see it. - Up, up. Look harder.
I've wanted to talk to you for the past few days and I haven't had the nerve.
That I find hard to believe.
Johnny, you have too much pride.
I prefer to call it common sense.
It's pride, and it's a quality you and I share.
It's an admirable one, until it becomes a wall.
"Well, yes, I am alone,
"but at least I have my righteous anger to keep me company at night. "
Come on, that's not a life, and you know it.
And let's face it. I mean, if it wasn't for me,
obviously Milly never would have betrayed you in the first place.
So what are you doing, Johnny? What are you doing?
Why waste one more minute of your life?
And I'm right.
I'm so right.
Damn it.
For once, she is.
Jeez, you guys, no one's listening.
If Milly was here, she would get my joke.
You're driving a bus. Ten people get on. Ten people get off.
Thirty thousand get on. Thirty thousand get off. A million get on...
See, that's the fun of the tuna pasta toss,
'cause it's delicious and it's easy,
because when you're cooking for one,
it's really important to look forward to the end result. You know?
What if you want to make it for two?
It's a little bit more complicated, but I think it can be done.
I see some of you have gone ahead
and already added your carrots and your pickled relish.
And remember that some people like dill.
Even before I met you, I had an instinct about you.
And once I saw you were a woman with profound static cling,
I wanted to be that force around you.
Personally, I love dill. I think it's not used enough
and very underrated, sort of, like, mayonnaise,
and I also really love olive oil for tuna.
I love that when I breathe you in, you smell of cake batter.
And I love that you have this insane way
of talking in circles that makes perfect sense.
I do?
'Cause sometimes I feel like nobody understands me but...
Me.
I get you.
That's wonderful. But, you know, my bladder is about to pop.
Can you hold it for a minute?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, guys. Where were we?
With the tuna pasta and the tuna noodle doodles,
tuna sandwiches, tuna...
I love your eyes.
I even love
your mother.
Well, we gotta get this show on the road. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Where is she? - Well, it should have started 20 minutes ago.
- That's not like her. - I mean, the ceremony has to start soon.
I don't know where she is, though.
Oh, my God.
I'm worried. I hope she's okay.
- Just call her. - All right. I'm calling.
It's her own wedding.
Oh, no.
No.
Hi, honey.
Hi, Mom. Where are you?
Honey, I just have to talk to you a little bit later, okay? Mil...
Oh, my God. I kind of think she's having sex with Joe right now.
- Great. - Awesome.
Would she like us to explain that to all the guests, or just the preacher?
She is a woman after my own heart.
All right, Mom? We are gonna give you five more minutes.
Ten. Ten.
Mom. Come on.
Open up the champagne, sweetie. What's the rush?
Because I said so.
Mom, don't hang up the phone on me.
You got soul
Everybody knows
That it's all right, it's all right
When you wake up early in the morning
Feeling sad, like so many of us do
Hum a little soul Make life your goal
Surely something's got to come to you And say it's all right
It's all right
- It's all right - It's all right
It's all right
Have a good time
'Cause it's all right It's all right
- Are we married or what? All right.